LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN
FOR TEACHERS
Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the rats
Top Ten Favorite Elementary School Excuse Notes10. "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."
9. "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."
8. "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."
7. "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."
6. "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting."
5. "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."
4. "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."
3. "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."
2. "Cody was absent yesterday because we were at disco bowling until 2am."
1. "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."
10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules"9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl
8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust
7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket
6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets
5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play
4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks
3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to `Nam
2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway
1. His vice-principal is Pat Choate (US Politician: Reform Party)
10. I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp9. The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy
8. Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going out with you again this year
7. Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass"
6. Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class
5. The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room
4. Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?
3. Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow
2. My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum
1. I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler
Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun10. Goodbye three-ring binders, hello four-ring binders
9. Learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty
8. Shower after every class, not just gym
7. Remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred bucks less than your teacher's salary
6. Dissect a frog... in history class
5. The ride seems faster on top of the bus
4. With luck, phys. ed. teacher could be a striking Major League Baseball player
3. Unionize your shop class
2. For show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon?
1. Be like Dave. Join the glee club!
10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in
8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies
7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve"
6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it
5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter
4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray
3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head
2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
1. Chicken a la Don King
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to
Graduate From High School This Year10. Instead of a cap and gown, they give you a McDonald's hairnet.
9. Your final paper in English was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure."
8. Grandma starts affectionately calling you "Lil' Flunkie."
7. Nobody believes pot in your locker was planted by those Whitewater dudes."
6. Your computer teacher discovers your gettin' it on with a laptop.
5. At oral exam, you respond to every question with, "Hey -- I ain't in Mensa, you know!"
4. Your guidance counselor gives you Dr. Kevorkian's number.
3. You constantly neglect your studies to date Woody Allen.
2. Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry you won't be graduating, Kenny."
1. Your combined score on the SAT: 12
10. Entire student body ties for last place in spelling bee.9. Math homework always seems to be about prisoners trading cigarettes.
8. Every driver's ed class ends with lesson on dumping bodies in New Jersey.
7. The three "R's" stand for reading, writing and reloading.
6. Cafeteria suddenly has plenty of beef the day after that runaway bull was shot.
5. If you don't bribe teachers, your kid gets obstructed view seating.
4. That cultural field trip to see the new Adam Sandler movie.
3. Art class was canceled when the theater ate all the paint.
2. Map of the world on classroom wall shows two regions: "America" and "Where Cabbies Come From."
1. Thinks E=MC2 is Hammer's old name.
Top Ten Things Every Principal Knows 10. Half the stuff teachers say is completely made up
(From Morristown High School, Richard Garibell)9. Buy Tums in bulk
(From Dickinson High School, Robert Donato)8. After a long day, a principal's best friend is Professor Jim Beam
(From B.C.I.T. Westhampton Technical High School, Daniel Money)7. Tell them it's for extra credit and students will wash your car
(From Toms River High School East, Maureen Madden)6. Don't waste your time on that female gym teacher
(From Liberty High School, Doug Berman)5. If the shirtless father was a problem student, chances are his shirtless son will be, too
(From Summit High School, Paula Schwartz)4. Kids spend too much time on homework and not nearly enough on video games
(From Dr. Ronald E. McNair Academic High School, Robert J. Roggenstein)3. Whenever I need some time alone, I pull the fire alarm
(From Howell High School, Barbara McMorrow)2. I should have become an astronaut
(From Montclair High School, Elaine Peeler Davis)1. Nobody knows the difference if you make P.A. announcements nude
(From Toms River High School North, John Coleman)
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot
9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform
8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell
7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers
6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration"
5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'"
4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled
3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie"
2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black
1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"