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Turn on your speakers and pop the bubbles
http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html
RESEARCH
#1) Research: The practice of reading three books that nobody has ever read before in order to write a fourth book that nobody will ever read.
#2) Steal from one – that’s plagiarism; Steal from many – that’s research!
#3) Even under the most rigid set of controlled conditions, the lab animal will do what it damn well pleases!
#4) Research Glossary [of Incompetence]: What is written… vs. [what is meant]
It has long been known that…
[I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference]A survey of the earlier literature…
[I even read through some of last year’s journals]Of great theoretical and practical importance…
[Interesting to me]While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…
[The experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it]We are excited by this finding…
[It looks publishable]The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behaviour…
[The fellow in the lab next door had some already made up]High purity… Very high purity… Extremely high purity… Super-purity… Spectroscopically pure…
[Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier]A fiducial reference line…
[A scratch]Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study…
[The results on the others didn’t make sense and were ignored]Preliminary experiments have shown…
[We did it once but couldn’t repeat it]We have a tentative explanation…
[I picked this up in a bull session last night.]Accidentally strained during mounting…
[Dropped on the floor]Handled with extreme care throughout the experiments…
[Not dropped on the floor]Typical results are shown…
[The best results are shown]Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original photograph that…
[It is impossible to tell from the photograph]A surprising finding…
[We barely had time to revise the abstract. Of course we fired the technician]Presumably at longer times…
[I didn’t take the time to find out]We didn’t carry out the long term study…
[We like to go home at 5 pm. What do you think we are, slaves?]The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent
[Fair]Good…
[Poor]Satisfactory…
[doubtful]Fair…
[Imaginary]As good as could be expected…
[Non-existent]These results will be reported at a later date…
[I might possibly get around to this sometime]The most reliable values are those of Jones…
[He was a student of mine…]It is suggested that… It is believed that… It may be that…
[I think]It is generally believed that…
[A couple of other guys think so too]It might be argued that…
[I have such a good answer to this objection that I shall now raise it]It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding…
[I don’t understand it]Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated…
[Neither does anybody else]Correct to within an order of magnitude…
[Wrong]It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field…
[This paper isn’t very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject]Thanks are due to Joe Bloggs for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions…
[Bloggs did the work and Doe explained what it meant]
~ Sparkdog
Dormitory == Dirty Room 
Amazing Anagrams
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in itFrom Hamlet by Shakespeare
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how
life turns rotten.And the Grand Finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
Becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
How do you tell a Canadian from an American?
-Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)
It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.
Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.
Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".
The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".
But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.
Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.
BILL GATES BASH (Just kidding, Microsoft)
Spelling Checker
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Computer problems
http://humorshack.com/archive/jokes/computer/index.shtml
"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"
[Slam]
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Hotmail: A Spammer's Paradise?
If so many spam offers weren't totally bogus, Hotmail users would be incredibly well-endowed, slim people with plenty of hair who make big money working at home when they aren't having great sex provoked by free porn and herbal Viagra.
