Zine 6 Edition
Collated by Bill Hillman
They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,that
each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident
that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University
of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but
after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make
it
back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor
after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the
plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat
tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a
long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?
AMUSING QUOTES
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and LaurieThe hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro courseWith every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. FermMadness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney BrownThere's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debateWriting about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. JonesWhen I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
-- Quentin CrispMy opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh BrilliantHer kisses left something to be desired
-- the rest of her.Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David LettermanFor three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny CarsonDon't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's AlmanacG: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land,The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
THE WORDS SAY IT ALL
These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: (The spelling is exactly the way it appeared in the magazine.)1."I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2."I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3."Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4."Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5."Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6."Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7."It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8."Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9."You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10."Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11."I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13."I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14."I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15."I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16."My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17."I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18."As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19."Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20."Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21."Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22."Marital status: often. Children: various."
23."Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25."Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26."References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
FINAL EXAM PROBLEMS
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the
front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room". Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam. "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of
exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course." The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?" "What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion. The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?" "NO", snarled the professor. The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
MEMORABLE OPENING LINES
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.Some recent winners:
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep herfrom seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Never with hold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Never with hold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.MARTHA STEWART
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it -- the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?