Collated by Bill Hillman
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
HISTORY LESSON
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water."Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed - hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway - hence, a "thresh hold."In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while - hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."And that's the truth ... Who said that History was boring? . . .
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what
happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local
Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by
the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside
her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's
a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor
home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set
the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the
central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman
in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward
to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A,E,I,O & U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
"Going to war without France is,"
in the words of US former Deputy Undersecretary
of Defense Jed Babbin,
"like going deer hunting without an accordian.."
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.
"Let's run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain."
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life.
A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE
RAIN
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life
to forget them. Take the time to live!!! Keep in touch with your friends,
you never know when you'll need each other!
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STS-107 Flight: January 16 2003 - February 1, 2003  |
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~Kalpana Chawla ~Michael P. Anderson ~ William C. McCool ~Ilan Ramon  |