WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
Zine 17
Collated by William Hillman
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The chinese word for happiness is a combination of four smaller symbols, namely "Mouth and Cultivated Field" showing that alongside other things, a full stomach is an important art of happiness. The other figures mean "Unity and Heaven" As a whole, happiness comes from living in unity with nature and appreciating the gifts of heaven |
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What's mainly wrong with society today is that
too many Dirt Roads have been paved.
by Paul Harvey
There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.
Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust &bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience.
Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody. At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.
Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini. At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road!
A FEW FOR THE ROAD
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for
all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to > sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
WAL-MART WINEWhile wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Château Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Château Phil Fulmer
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship RieslingAnd the number one name for Wal-Mart Wine ...
1. Nasti Spumante.
PERSONALITY TEST
Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find out this stuff. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes two minutes.Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.
It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
Ready?? Begin...
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you.....
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie....
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you,
but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions &who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.Sincerely,
The Dog
Court Tidbits
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
_____________________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
______________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
______________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
______________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
______________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_______________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
______________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_______________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_______________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_______________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_______________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_______________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_______________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
TERRORIST WARNING!
The FBI has issued a warning in Lancaster County.
They suspect a terrorist may be hiding among the Amish community.
This photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation.
Cell Phones don't kill, people doChatting on a cell phone while driving may have gotten a bad rap in recent years as a common cause of car crashes, but a new study shows cell phones can't hold a candle to good, old-fashioned rubbernecking when it comes to causing a highway pile up.In one of the largest studies to date on crashes involving distracted drivers, researchers found looking at other accidents, traffic, or roadside incidents caused the largest number of accidents, while cell phone use ranked only sixth.
The study was based on data collected by Virginia state troopers on more than 2,700 crashes involving distracted drivers between June and November 2002.
Researchers found that of all the crashes reported, 98% involved a single distracted driver.
"We've known for years that drivers contribute more to causing crashes than the vehicle or the roadway," says Robert Breitenbach, director of the Transportation Safety Training Center at Virginia Commonwealth University, in a news release. "In many instances the driver error involves not paying attention to the driving task. We can now identify those distractions with some confidence."
Rubbernecking was responsible for the largest number of accidents reported (16%) followed by driver fatigue (12%), looking at scenery or landmarks (10%), passenger or child distractions (9%), adjusting the radio, tape, or CD player (7%), and cell phone use (5%).
Overall, various distractions inside the vehicle accounted for 62% of the distractions reported. Distractions that came from outside the vehicle accounted for 35% of all distractions, and 3% of the distractions were undetermined.
Nearly two-thirds of the crashes in the study occurred in rural areas and were often caused by driver fatigue, insects entering or striking the vehicle, or animals and unrestrained pet distractions.
Automobile accidents caused by distracted drivers in urban areas tended to be the result of drivers looking at other crashes, traffic, or vehicles or cell phone use.
Researcher James M. Ellis of Virginia Commonwealth University says the findings should apply to other regions of the U.S. because the areas studied contained a representative mix of rural and urban counties, a diverse ethnic population, and varying road conditions and types.
SOURCES: "Pilot Study of Distracted Drivers," prepared for the Transportation and Safety Training Center, Center for Public Policy at Virginia Commonwealth University, January 2003. News release, Virginia Commonwealth University.© 2003 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.