Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze
that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This is HORRIBLE!
KIDS I
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and
it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN
THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you?
KIDS II: THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (Hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre,
no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to
make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could
tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything
in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water,
he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Sesame Street Personality Test
Answer each question with the answer that most describes you, then add up the points that correspond with your answer. Then send this to all your friends, including the person who sent it to you with your character in the subject line. Get a pen and paper because you'll want to keep track of the question number and your answer. You'll need both to unlock the secret code at the end.
1) What describes your perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement park
c) Rollerblading in the park
d) Rock concert
e) See a movie
2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Popular
3) What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary
4) Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given only
these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender
5) Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) Work out
b) Read
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep
6) Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
a) yellow
b) white
c) sky blue
d) teal
e) red
7) Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) ice cream
b) pizza
c) sushi
d) pasta
e) salad
8) What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year's
d) Valentine's Day
e) Thanksgiving
9) If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood
10) Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional
Now total up your points and find your character below:
Q 1 ... a=4 b=2 c=5 d=1 e=3
Q 2 ... a=2 b=1 c=4 d=5 e=3
Q 3 ... a=2 b=1 c=3 d=4 e=5
Q 4 ... a=4 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=1
Q 5 ... a=5 b=4 c=2 d=1 e=3
Q 6 ... a=1 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=4
Q 7 ... a=3 b=2 c=1 d=4 e=5
Q 8 ... a=1 b=3 c=2 d=4 e=5
Q 9 ... a=4 b=5 c=1 d=2 e=3
Q 10... a=5 b=2 c=1 d=3 e=4
(10-17 points): You are OSCAR. You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.
(18-26 points) You are ERNIE. You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.
(27-34 points) You are ELMO. You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.
(35-42 points) You are KERMIT. You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and
wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments.
A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday,
and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get
confused with the real thing.
(43-50 points) You are BERT. You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen. Now put your character in the subject line, then forward this to your friends and back to the one who sent it to you.
The Importance of Punctuation
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: -- Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: --Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: --After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: --This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: --We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: --Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: --Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: --Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: --Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: --For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: --The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: --If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: --We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SCRABBLE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE
Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With
no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS
INTERNS
FOR AGING MUSIC LOVERS
For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! Some of our old favourites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"
The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Bobby Darin - Splish Splash I was Havin' a Flash
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
HISTORY TEST ANSWERS
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests.
Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Soc rates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee , Brutus."
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. >
13. Delegates from the original 1 3 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his at tic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
18. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote of his adventures in Tarzana,
CA and became famous there because of his jungle property which was inlaid
with tigers and lions. He killed a few with his bare hands and made
a movie to show it. He also traveled to Mars before it was a planet, and
established a red flag there. That is why it is called the red planet.
He hopped over to Venus for a few days but according to his biography
he was lost on Venus. I don't know where he is buried but his books
live on including some westerns by his indian friends.
