NEW WORDS FOR 2003:
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
10. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
11. SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
12. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just screwed-up big time.
18. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks
THIS YEAR'S DARWIN AWARDSThese awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski runcalled Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. Another
man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on
landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win
Signs For Deep ThoughtFriends don't let friends take home ugly men.
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DEBeauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NCIf life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West VirginiaFighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LONo matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NCAt the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZIt's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZMake love, not war. - Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MTIf voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TXIf pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DCExpress Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZYou're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CAThere are 29 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on. Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE. No cheating! No looking around! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
Mind Teasers of Common KnowledgeCan you beat 18? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
24. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
25. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
26. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
27. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
28. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
29. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
ANSWERS
Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (north of ! the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Ace of spades
25. Left
26. ONE
27. *, #
28. 3
29. Counter
Definition of Barbecuing:
The only type of cooking a "real" man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drink in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Radio Conversation
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Things I've Learned from My Children
Author Unknown
http://www.montessori.org/index.htm
http://www.montessori.org/Resources/Library/ParentLibrary.htm
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movie.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old; Duplos will not.
- 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
- SuperGlue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry.'
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
HAIKU SONY
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
ARCHIVE
Hillman Eclectic
Studio
All Original Work ©2003 by Bill Hillman and/or
Contributing Authors/Owners
No part of this web site may be reproduced without
permission from the respective owners.