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Noah's Ark

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It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.  Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.  Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.  I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U. S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.  The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.  Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.  When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.  Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!  The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

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How Specifications Live Forever

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When you see a space shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Morton Thiokol at a factory in Utah.

Originally, the engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them much fatter than they are. Unfortunately, the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site in Florida and the railroad line runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to be made to fit through that tunnel.

Now, the width of that tunnel is just a little wider than the U.S. Standard Railroad Gauge (distance between the rails) of 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Did you ever wonder why that gauge was used? Because US railroads were designed and built by English expatriates, and that's the way they built them in England.

Okay, then why did the English engineers build them like that? Because the first rail lines of the 19th century were built by the same craftsmen who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

I'll bite, why did those craftsmen choose that gauge? Because they used the same jigs and tools that were previously used for building wagons, and you guessed it, the wagons used that wheel spacing.

Now I feel like a fish on a hook! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

Well, if the wagon makers and wheelwrights of the time tried to use any other spacing, the wheel ruts on some of the old, long distance roads would break the wagon axles. As a result, the wheel spacing of the wagons had to
match the spacing of the wheel ruts worn into those ancient European roads.

So who built those ancient roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts?

The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. And since the chariots were made by Imperial Roman chariot makers, they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing.

Well, here we are. We now have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and bureaucracies live forever.

That's nice to know, but it still doesn't answer why the Imperial Roman war chariot designers chose to spec the chariot's wheel spacing at exactly 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

Are you ready?

Because that was the width needed to accommodate the rear ends of two Imperial Roman war horses!!!

Well, now you have it. The railroad tunnel through which the late 20th century space shuttle SRBs must pass was excavated slightly wider than two 1st century horses' butts.

Consequently, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was spec'd by the width of a horse's behind!

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses' rear end came up with it, you may be exactly right.

Now you know what is "behind" it all.

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THE AGE TEST

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1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ ____ !"

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?"
_____ _____ _____ _____.

4. What do M&M's do?
____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _____ _____.

6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _____ _____.

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___.

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
______G._______.

9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!

10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.

12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?

13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,huh...yea; what is it good for?
, ____ _____."
 

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice,
and _____ ____ _____.
 

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway
_____ ______.

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to
the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
 

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by______ ______.

18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ___."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics."Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip,
____ ____,____ ____ ____."

21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____."

22. ____ ____ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____."

23. "Good night, David."
"____ ____,____."

24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____."

25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
____! ____ ____ ____ ____."

26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy,
and ____ ____ ____."

ANSWERS: Click and drag over the white space below to see the answers highlighted.
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Jimmy Durante - Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. Smile you're on Candid Camera
26. he is us

SCORING:
24-26 correct - You're probably 50+ years old
20-23 correct - Most likely in your 40's
15-19 correct - Are we in our 30's?
10-14 correct - Must be in your 20's!!
1- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?

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How Is Your Aging Intelligence

---

Take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own....

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin. Highlight the white space below each question to see the answer

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "Bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading some thing more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "Water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. InReading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. InCardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. InSwansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at MilfordHaven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

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Southern Born & Bred

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• If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you  adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
• The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
• The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
• The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
• The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
• The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
• The North has green salads, The South has collard greens
• The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
• The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..
• In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
• Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"  is plural possessive.
• Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
• Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a  transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect  this way. All of them are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
• Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
• It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
• Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
• In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

 AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

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Great taglines...

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•  On a Septic Tank Truck : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
•  On a Septic Tank Truck sign:? "We're #1 in the #2 business."
•  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
•  At a Proctologist's door? "To expedite your visit please back in."
•  On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
•  Also On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
•  Pizza Shop Slogan:? "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
•  At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:? "Invite us to your next blowout."
•  On a Plastic Surgeon's? door:? "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
•  Towing company: We don't charge an arm & a leg. We want tows.
•  On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
•  In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and  take appropriate action."
•  On a Maternity Room door:? "Push. Push. Push."
•  At an Optometrist's Office? "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
•  On a Taxidermist's window:? "We really know our stuff."
•  In a Podiatrist's office:? "Time wounds all heels."
•  On a Fence:? "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
•  Used Car Dealership:? "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
•  On a Muffler Shop:? "No appointments! We hear you coming."
•  In the Vet's waiting room:? "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
•  At the Electric Company:? "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.? However, if you don't, you will be."
•  In a Restaurant window:? "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
•  Front yard of a Funeral Home:? "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
•  At a Propane Filling Station,? "Thank heaven for little grills."
•  And don't forget the sign at the Radiator Shop:? "Best place in town to take a leak."

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SUBJECT: 1923 HISTORY LESSON

---

In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
 The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

 However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.  He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral:

Screw work. Play golf.

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IDIOTS IN SERVICE

---

This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email.  (Does YOUR dial-up email work without a telephone line?).
 

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
 

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
 

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
 

IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Now don't you feel better about yourself...?

 

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WORD FOR THE DAY

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catercorner
Pronunciation: /KAT-er-kor-ner/
adv : in a diagonal or ablique position

Visitors immediately noticed the new bank because it stood catercorner to the town's main intersection, jutting away from the neighboring buildings at an unusual angle.

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AS SMART AS YOU ARE...

---

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (nowget this...)
• The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 yearsold.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
• Spades - King David,
• Hearts - Charlemagne,
• Clubs -Alexander, the Great
• Diamonds - Julius Caesar
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front
• leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
• Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
• Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
• Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
• Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
• Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
• Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
• Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day
• Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.
• Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
• In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
• son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
• In Scotland , a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
• At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow




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FORBES LIST OF TOP-EARNING DEAD CELEBRITIES: Dead Elvis Second to None

---

by Joal Ryan ~ Oct 24, 2003

While you were out breaking your back for "The Man" last year, Elvis Presley was making $40 million in his eternal sleep. The King, who
fell off his Graceland throne in 1977, topped Forbes' annual rundown of top-earning celebs, released Friday.

This is the third time the money-counting magazine has compiled a list that makes working stiffs feel bad about their paltry paychecks.  And it's the third time Forbes has crowned Elvis the liveliest dead guy around.

Presley cleaned up thanks to his bestselling greatest-hits collection, Elv1s 30 #1 Hits (with more than 9 million copies sold),  and a new remix of "Rubberneckin'" that was used by Toyota to sell cars, Forbes said. And, as if the deceased icon needed more walking-around money, attendance increased 4 percent at Graceland.
His $40 million was up $3 million from the last survey.

Forbes' List of Top-Earning Dead Celebrities

1. Elvis Presley, $40 million
2. Charles Schulz, $32 million
3. J.R.R. Tolkien, $22 million
4. John Lennon, $19 million
5. George Harrison, $16 million
6. Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel, $16 million
7. Dale Earnhardt, $15 million
8. Tupac Shakur, $12 million
9. Bob Marley, $9 million
10. Marilyn Monroe, $8 million
11. Frank Sinatra, $7 million
12. Richard Rodgers, $7 million
13. Oscar Hammerstein II, $7 million
14. Jimi Hendrix, $7 million
15. Cole Porter, $6 million
16. Irving Berlin, $6 million
17. Dr. Robert Atkins, $6 million
18. James Dean, $5 million
19. Jerry Garcia, $5 million

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JEWISH HUMOUR

---

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
    A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

3. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
     A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes"

4. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
     A: They never let anyone finish a sentence

5. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
     A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

6. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came  back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
    A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
       A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

11. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

12. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
      A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

13. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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Subject: BUTTER vs. MARGARINE ~ One side of the story

---


An issue of Men's Health magazine recently talked about how the fat in margine is so much worse for you than even lard. By the way, shortening such as Crisco is equally bad for you --- Men's Health said that it is very difficult for your body to break it down, thus it can increase your cholesteral. Here for years they thoughtthat because margarine and cristo are based on vegetable oil, it is better for you than the animal fat. But the problem is not that margarine and crisco are veggie based -- it is the chemical process making it into a solid that is terrible for our bodies.
We wonder how our great grandparents didn't have cholesterol or heart problems, even though they ate breakfasts of eggs, bacon and sausage cooked in lard....everything they ate was natural! Bake with butter, cook with olive oil, and you will be happier, healthier,
and your food will taste better!
On Monday, October 20, 2003, at 12:59 PM, PEERAGE wrote:

DO YOU KNOW...
The difference between margarine and butter?
Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods. Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years
Now for Margarine..
Very high in Trans Fatty Acids... Triple risk of Coronary HeartDisease...
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol)
Lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) ....
Increases the risk of cancers by up to five fold..
Lowers quality of breast milk ... Decreases immune response...
Decreases insulin response. And here is the most disturbing fact....
HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
YOU can try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) ... it does not rot or smell differently...because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it... even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.
Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

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NEW EXERCISE ROUTINE FOR OFFICE PERSONNEL

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Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more  proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Do not forget  to:

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

NOW SCROLL        DOWN...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

NOW  SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day!