Webzine 42: Graffiti Zine

WEB GRAFFITI ZINE
Zine 41
Collated by Bill Hillman

An eclectic collection of oddities, humorous anecdotes, weird photos,
funny headlines, cartoons, puzzles, inspirational items, jokes, and more...
gathered here as a reference repository for
speakers, lecturers, teachers, students, writers,
or Web travellers just looking for diversion and a bit of levity.

GROSS OUT ISSUE #1

Warning!
An unspecial, embarrassing, gross-out edition
for fans of extremely low-brow humour.
If you are offended by tasteless "humour"
please don't proceed.
There are billions of other Websites on the Web
that you will find more entertaining.

THIS YEAR'S HUNK CALENDAR

Mr. January also known as Mr. Pack and Post. He is a Leo who enjoys competitive Chess and talking in Internet Chatrooms. His favorite movies include Revenge of the Nerds and Pee Wee goes to town.

Mr. February, also known as Prisoner No: 4125863. He is a Cancer who enjoys long drives on secluded country roads. His favorite movies include Psycho and Escape from Alcatraz.

Mr. March or Wing-nut, or Tooth Pick, as he is known to his friends. He isa Virgo who enjoys take away food and having his hair done. HIs favorite movies include: Eat Drink Man Woman and Porkys 1 and 2.

Mr. April is called Junior by his friends. He is a Capricorn who likes being nude. He is currently captain of his Nude Triathlon Team. Unfortunately an accident involving a bicycle has stopped him competing.

There's nothing sexier than twins. Both Mr. Mays are Geminis and between them have 35 personalities. They are looking for a woman... or two.

Mr. June AKA the Lava Lamp, because after a small run like this he has perpetual motion that is intoxicating. He is a Taurus that likes all things eatable. His favorite movies include the Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" and he also likes those Subway ads.

Mr. July, or Velcro to his friends. He is a Gemini who likes women to run their fingers through his soft hair. Likes: The beach. Shampoo. Dislikes: Waxing.

Mr. August, also known as Neckless or 64 DD. He is a Taurus who likes Nursery Rhymes and warm milk. His favorite movies include Look Who's Talking 1 and Babe.

Mr. September, or also known as Steelo. His favorite past-times include looking for small insects in his hair and wearing collarless, frilly sleeve "ugly" shirts. His greatest desire is to lie flat on his back.

Mr. October is also known as Cuddles. He is a Scorpio and looking for an understanding girl who can cook. . . . . . anything. His greatest deisre is to find his feet and his leopard skin G-string.

Mr. November, AKA Bluey. He is an Aquarius who loves nothing more than making shitty necklaces out of crap other people have thrown away. He is looking for a girl who has a career, preferably in dental hygiene.

Mr. December. All his friends call him Magilla but he doesn't know why. He's a Sagahairian and likes a good conditioner and a blow dry. He is looking for a sensitive woman who can operate a lice comb.

BEER GOGGLES:
WARNING TO MEN ~
THE DANGERS OF DRINKING BEER
http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

AN E-MAIL APPEAL FOR HELP

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick.

I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rotbefore I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless SOB who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy "Smiley" Evans

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. it's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Colonoscopies and other fun things

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7.. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not in fact, up there?"

TASTELESS LAWYER JOKES

1. Why did the Post Office just recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only one, the rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue theladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ?
Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

REDOING THE OLDIES

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us..good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...