An eclectic collection of oddities,
humorous anecdotes, weird photos,
funny headlines, cartoons, puzzles,
inspirational items, jokes, and more...
gathered here as a reference
repository for
speakers, lecturers, teachers,
students, writers,
or Web travellers just looking
for diversion and a bit of levity.
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES - Lovers of Words
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back for seconds.
11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. Every calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
PUNS
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam! ... "3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
IMAGES OF CANADA
Manitoba Home Security System
|
Honey!... I'm Home
|
Keef is royally ticked off since Mick received knighthood. He’s put in his notice. But…there’s a new kid on the block and he’s ready to step in. |
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE
As if that wasn't enough ... here is what you've seen...
First: The Pentagon on fire...
Then The Twin Towers...
... And now ... look at this!
TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
Top Ten Questions Asked by Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured.
From the December 15, 2003 Late Show with David Letterman
| 10. "Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?"
9. "Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a b*#@ch!" 8. "Anyone have a mint?" 7. "Is this about the illegal music downloads?" 6. "Am I going to be on 'Cops'?" 5. "Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?" 4. "How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?" 3. "Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?" 2. "How's the war going?" 1. "Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?" |
 |
1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
Quotes on Politics Collected by an American Friend2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
11. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
12. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. --Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)
13. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)
14. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.--Pericles (430 B.C.)
15. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.--Mark Twain (1866)
16. Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. --(Unknown)
17. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
18. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
19. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
20. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
21. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
22. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995
From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow):
Star Trek Christmas Carols
(author unknown)Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go --
make it so, make it so, make it so.From William Riker (to the tune of Deck the Halls):
Here's a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen):
I'm at Starfleet Academy and I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day --
To make things worse I have to be
in some dumb Christmas play!
Yes I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
teenaged boy,
and the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.From Data:
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh --
or so I am reliably informed,
though, lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived
referent for the term "fun," I am able only
to report the phenomenon as experienced by others,
whose individual perceptions somewhat color the --
yes, sir.
SCRABBLE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOMEVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z''S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
