New Zealand Diary

Date: 19^th April
Text by:Astro

Alright, so here I am all better, ahthangyaverymuch, and I'm going to take you a driving tour of New Zealand, and you're going to hear about volcanoes (just a bit), volcanic landscapes (a medium amount) and swimming with dolphins (lots lots lots lots!).

Date: 20^th April
Text by:Gordenia

But I shall interrupt, and put in a few words myself. First of all the flight was a mammoth one. Santiago-Buenos Aires then connecting to Auckland,New Zealand. We are still in recovery mode 10 days on as I write this. We had no idea what the time of day was or even what day it was at all. Crossing the international date line has strange effects on the brain. It does however mean we have an extra 20 dollars to spend on our budget as we got rid of a day......Oh and whoever stole the day...can they please return it. It was the 8th April if you see it lying around anywhere.... Gracias.

We got very little sleep due to the new entertainment systems in the Qantas planes enabling you to view a choice of 18 different films, three TV stations, play Nintendo or listen to music. So that took care of 13 hours whilst crammed in a metal tube in the sky.

We arrived, relieved to once again be in an English speaking country, though it has been difficult readjusting. We found ourselves stopping and translating sentences into Spanish before approaching people with questions.

I would also like to wish Stuffed Gonzo a very merry travelling experience. He dissappeared in transit between Santiago and New Zealand and has apparently gone of exploring on his own. Well 6 months strapped to the back of a backpack would make anyone want to up and leave.

ANYWAY we bussed it to the City Hostel in Auckland, checked in, had a big greasy breakfast then slept for around 4 hours each, before getting up, showering and heading out for a couple of cheeky Guinneses and a Curry. Marvellous

We decided that due to time constraints (only 10 days in NZ) we would explore only the North Island of New Zealand and leave the South Island to another time. Anybody who has been to New Zealand will know this is very unusual cos most travellers head straight to the snowy peaks of South Island. Well, this now gives us an incentive to return.

We decided that hiring a car between three of us was the cheapest option at 10 quid a day, and we planned a route encompassing a volcanoe climb, New Zealands "most beautiful walk", mud pools and thermal spas and finishing with swimming with dolphins. Not a bad 10 day plan we though....

How rude, interrupting me like that! Well, where was I? Oh yes, we hired a car. And you know, us being in a car and all, we had to tune into the radio stations to get some quality driving tunes, and, well, its New Zealand, so what d'ya reckon we picked up straight away? That's right ...

C L A S S I C R O C K

And I mean mean classic - we started off on the open road with Deep Purple's 'Smoke On The Water'. Carl put the pedal to the metal, I found my hands spontaneously making the sign of the devil, and we all found our heads rhythmically moving back and forward as our souls gave in to the ROCK.

Give in to the ROCK ... give in to the ROCK ... give in to the ROCK ...

Such was the hidden message in all radio broadcasts in New Zealand, and so we sold our souls to the devil, drove over as many crossroads as we could, and started growing mullets. (Well, we didn't get our hair cut in the 10 days we were there, so technically we were growing mullets).

Where did we go first? We must consult THE ROCK to find out ...

#uh uh uhhhh, uh uh uhuhhhhhh, uh uh uhhhh, uh UHHHHH There was smoke on New Plymouth, and fire in the Taranake Volcano#

Thus has THE ROCK spoken. We were in Mount Egmont National park, under the shadow of Mount Taranake, staying in a great little hippy-run hostel called The Wooden Leg. Unfortunately, due to the bowel-quaking ferocity of THE ROCK, and its incredibly deep basslines, my bowels, well, quaked, and quacked, and on our first morning in the park, 45 minutes up the side of a beautiful volcano, I had to leave the moshpit of ascent, and retreat to the toilet facilities, and thence to bed, whilst, ahh, shall we say 'The Devil Drove Out Of Georgia' repeatedly. Yuk. The boys inform me though that the views from the top of the volcano, over NZ and the sea were absolutely amazing. The views of the toilet were ... less amazing, but I quickly got used to western methods of toilet paper disposal (in the toilet, rather than in a bin like in C & S America). Of course, the next day, a driving day, I was perfectly well again ... until the day after when we were due to do the Tongariro Crossing, one the most beautiful walks in New Zealand, when THE ROCK dictated that I must once more commune with the Fiery Imp of Porcelain. B*gger.

Date: 21^st April
Text by:Gordenia

And once again I will butt in and have a wee say about the walks that Astro was unfortunately unable to participate in.

Oh the joys of walking a volcanoe.

Mount Egmont or Taranaki is a beautiful walk, but I tell you....be prepared to hurt when you walk this one. This volcano is a steep incline and could be very frustrating at times. The ground is of course comprised of the remains of volcanic ash etc, and this means that for every two steps you walked up, you slid down the equivalent of one step. This is tough on the leg muscles to say the least. Every step we had to really dig our feet in in order that we didnt slide down. What was also frustrating was having a hyperactive 10 year old kid in shorts and trainers speed past you on the ascent like the whole experience was just a breeze. Little brat!!!!.

We almost reached the summit but due to the icy conditions at the top and lack of crampons we decided not to go the extra 50m or so. We didnt want to be the 64th and 65th fatalities on the volcano either. The Maoris also prefer if walkers dont climb on the top as it is regarded as a sacred place.

The weather was beautiful when we started, but the volcano is reknowned for very fast and changeable weather conditions and sure enough within about 5 minutes what was a perfectly clear day turned into a cloudy and overcast day. The summit of the volcano was well above the cloud layer, so it made for a beautiful view over the sea of cloud.

We slid down the mountain, hurting more leg muscles and knees and falling down on our backsides, but made it down to the bottom where Graeme picked us up and we collapsed in the hostel. Knackered.

Oh ROCK, oh ROCK, give us thy blessing, tell us what our next adventure should be ...

Thou shalt climb across another volcano, and leave behind the one with the weak stomach

So spake THE ROCK, and so it was done. The Children of The Rock climbed across the Fire Mountain in the Tongariro National Park, leaving one among them to commune more with the Devil of BombayBelly.

We stayed at a great hostel in the Tongariro Park - it had a full climbing wall in the central hall, and all the bedrooms / dorms came off that hall, through little cave entrances. Nice!

And then, whence had returned the adventurers from the Fire Mountain, so didst THE ROCK speak unto us once more.

Boys, thou hast passed through Hell, on your terms - the Hell of walking up steep mountains and, verily, being surpassed by the young, and the Hell of the devil in the belly, and now, as Dante passed from Hell to Purgatory, so wilst thou pass from thine hells to the outer reaches of heaven, but through a place most stinky and commercially touristy first. Headest thou to Rotorua, home of volcanic lakes, boiling mud pools and an uneartly stink of rotten eggs wheresoever thou troddest.

Yea, and it came to pass that the weary travellers didst drive to the sounds of some great ROCK MUSIC to the place where the Underworld meets the Kingdom Of Capitalist Heaven On Earth, and lo, the travellers saw mighty green lakes, yellow crystals, stinking efulgences from the ground, as Hell forced its way through continental rifts to bring foul waters filled with the devil's own breath to the surface. And lo, did it stink of rotten eggs. And yea, did the travellers feel sick.
Unto the volcanic park had comest the travellers, weary from their journey through Hell, and as Virgil did guide Dante, so did the travellers pay through their heavenly noses for a guidebook that is unto David as a sheet of paper is to Goliath; yea, it was not much for the money, so spaketh all.

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But the travellers, paying penance for any sins by breathing in the Devil's Breath, didst see that the land was good, and that the crack of Doom from which the volcanic muds and waters came to bring colour, onto which did shine the glory of THE ROCK, the light from the sun, to make the mineral deposits look very heavenly, and rather pretty actually now you ask.

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And in the manner of their forefathers did the travellers converse with sweet old ladies who didst go "ooh" and "aahhh" and "mmm" in the manner of old ladies talking those filled with the colour of youth.
Upon leaving the land of Sulphur, the travellers paused to rest at the boiling mud holes, so unto the bottom actions of one of their tribe that it caused much mirth. And, feeling that THE ROCK now moved in his innards, plagued no longer by the Flume of Incontinence, did the afflicted traveller laugh, and make merry.

From this place, the travellers travelled to the ancient town of Rotorua, and made their way to break bread, and take wine at the local inn, before settling down in front of the ark of THE ROCK, the neon deity in front of which the whole world prays, to watch the marine messengers of the Devil eat very silly people under the Deep Blue Sea, and the travellers made merry, and lo, there was much mirth at seeing the blasphemers being torn in half by the excellent computer graphic sharks that the Lord had commanded to be made. And yea, let it be said, that the humour of the travellers guesses at who would gettest themselves eaten next did cause much merriment with fellow travellers, and it was as if THE ROCK had commanded brethren to speak to brethren using jokes and silly voices. And it was seen to be good.

For 12 hours did the travellers drive, fleeing the persecution of Tourism in Rotorua, missing such fun activities as Zorbing, which pertaineth not to having it Greek Style, but which shutteth the adventurer into a big plastic bubble, and rolleth them down a hill in it, like Sisyphus in reverse.
With a map as their guide through the Purgatory of the Highways, THE ROCK abandoning them to their faith, as Lucifer of the Very Copious and Large Hills Which Blocketh Radio Reception shadowed their journey, to arrive, weary from the music wilderness in Paradise - the beautiful Bay of Islands in Northland, the far north of North Island.

And the Bay begat sea, and the sea begat islands and marine creatures, and creatures begat dolphins, and the islands begat national parks, being blessed by fertile ROCK, and the sea and the parks and the marine creatures begat very chilled tour operators with very nice catemarans and cheap-ish tours who took our weary travellers out to sea, where they were blessed by THE ROCK, for they were able to move in the sea, and under it, and still being able to breathe. Yea, THE ROCK begat dinosaurs, which begat in turn dead stuff, and the dead stuff did beget oil, which begat plastic, and THE ROCK saw the plastic was good and made very handy snorkels out of it.
And b*ll*x to all this Biblical stuff, WE WENT SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS! So ner! We watched the 2m (7ft) long sleek swimming mounds of muscle, which were gorgeous, and they played around the boat, and then we were allowed to get in the ocean (only 50m / 160ft deep!) and frolic with them. And 3 of them swam just 50cm (1.5ft) away from Gordy, and the look on his face when that happened! Awh, bless ...

And guess what I discovered swimming in the deep ocean - that when you look down into the depths (with a face mask on of course) you can get Acrophobia - a fear of heights, because it looks like you're very far up, and could fall or get dragged down very very easily. Never expected that - made me a bit panicky. B*gger! Still, I did stay in the water long enough to see a real dolphin underwater, about 3m (10ft) away from me, preeeeetttyyy special I have to say.

After swimming with the dolphins, under the bright blue skies of a fine southern latitude autumn morning, we sailed on to the secluded bay of an island for lunch. But not before an opportunity to practise snorkelling in safe, shallow, crystal-blue waters. We chased fish, and saw cool urchins clinging to the shore rocks, and generally got used to putting our faces in the water and CARRYING ON breathing - feels REAL weird at first, but you get used to it after a while. Face in, face out, breathe in, breathe out ... and when you put flippers on your feet (and yes I DO need them, my feet aren't that big!), you can glide effortlessly through the azure waters, almost weightless. Bliss.

On the way back from the bay to shore, we went for a proper sail - the motors were taken out of the water, and Carlos helped pull the sails up, and when that was done, the wind took us, and we tacked and sailed, and had a very jolly and pleasant afternoon sailing around conservation-status islands, on perfect calm waters, spotting penguins. AH! What a life. How nice for us.