Just like the International Playboys we are, we got off the plane, straight through customs, to see hordes of screaming women begging for a bit of us. Which was nice.
In the airport we got accosted by official people trying to help us - "you need taxi?" "you want hotel? good hotel, only $10" - to the point of molestation. Which was also nice, because we haven't been molested for quite some .. er .. well, so we talked to this lady at an information stand, and she was trying to get us to stay in $10/night hotels, and we were almost tempted, despite it being more than twice what we usually pay, it being nearly 0100 (or 1am for you anti-24hr clockers). We asked for cheaper hostels, "around $3-$5?" and got a look of blank astonishment from her, as if to say, "what are you, scum?". Well, as it happens ...
Fortunately, providence smiled on us in the form of a Swiss guy who knew a cheap $3 hostel in the 'dangerous' end of town. Pff! A quick taxi there, a quick argument with the taxi driver who tried to change the agreed price, and we got a splendid hostel. Whilst chatting with the Swiss guy, he told us some very interesting information - Peruvian women are very forward, and like Gringo-men very much. Just a tip for later in the diary, people ...
Woke up, and discovered an immediate cultural difference:
Usual breakfast in Central America - rice & pinto-beans with eggs. In Nicaragua, the rice&beans goes by the marvellous name of Gallo Pinto ("Gayo Pinto").
Usual breakfast in Peru - 'Americano' - 2 bread rolls with butter and jam, juice, coffee and an egg. So, a little something about our diet. Interesting, no? No?
And then we had a big BIG day.
Lima is HYOOJ. Like a cross between London and New York - or if you've not been to the Big Apple, then London and a very large capital city of your choice, as long as its got 8 million inhabitants, yellow taxi-cabs, colonial architecture, plazas dotted here and there, and a general feeling of hustle, bustle and busy-ness.
We walked mile after kilometre after mile to get to the Miraflores area, which is next to the beach, and the 'tourist' zone, following the 2 maps in the guide book - one for the central area of Lima, where we were staying, and one for the Miraflores area, next to the beach. The thing is ... the two maps don't join up in the book, and what you're not told is that they are actually about 45 blocks apart - of which we walked 15 between the bottom of one map and the start of the next, before we discovered the truth. What, you think we couldn't HANDLE the TRUTH?
So, let's zoom on a bus the last 30 blocks to the sea front. Designed for tourists. With Burger King. And Sushi Bars. And tourist shops selling crap. And a pier. Oh, and magnificent views of the sun setting into the Pacific Ocean horizon. And ... a cinema! So we took our Gonzo for a birthday treat and watched Harry Potter. And very enjoyable it was too. Now, when's Lord of the Rings out, eh? Time for some proper magycking.
So we walked around more ... and its not really interesting describing walking around. So I'll cut to the chase - we tried to find the bars, beause there was some late birthday drinking to get done. Eventually after walking up the two "most popular streets for bars" and finding none, we found out that in a completely different part of the city, are two streets with exactly the same names as the ones we were looking on in Miraflores. So we went there. And drank beer. And Pisco Sours, which is the local firewater drink - goodness knows what the spirit is made from, but the drink is egg white, sugar, lemon and Pisco. And it gets you drunk. So we drank. And got drunk. And met a dodgy geezer who tried to give Gonzo some - shall we say Peruvian Marching Powder? - when he found out it was his birthday, which was quite scary, cos then he started getting fairly annoyed that we were refusing his generosity. Which meant it was time to go back to the hostel. So we did.
Next day we took the bus 3 hours south to the town of Pisco which really opened my eyes about the Peruvian landscape - I was expecting greenery, but noooooooo ... instead you drive through the most fantastic desolation I've ever seen. Browny-yellow dusty sandy desert stretching up to the foothills of mountains out the left window, and the Pacific Ocean out the right window. The desert is so barren and sparse, and yet here and there are small small shanty towns, with no apparent source of water or farming anywhere near ... and then you get 20km down the road, and there is a large pond of water with huge "Private Property" signs ... and then 20km further a shanty town. It did occur to me to shout out the window - "build nearer water!". Ho hum. And the desert stretches away, and small sandstone hills roll out from the mountains, occasionally you expect to see Jawas, or R2-D2 rolling across the landscape whistling forlornly to itself (for the Star Wars fans) because it looks just like Tatooine. Cool.
About 20-30km out of Pisco, the landscape gives way to cultivation, vineyards and other greenery.
Sunday 23rd - the next day.
We've organised a boat tour for ourselves, to the national park and islands off the coast. And here are pictures on someone else's website of what we saw. When you get to the site, click on the numbers down the left hand side to see different pictures, and I'll guide you through them here:
- First picture. No idea. Think it was in the town square.
- 2nd Picture. We saw Peruvian Pelicans! And later, out on the boats, we were 1m away from Humboldt Penguins, Billion Dollar Birds (or Red Legged Cormorants - their other name is because of the intensive guana harvesting that takes place on the islands - and the Cormorants are ... most productive shall we say?), Inca Terns, Turkey Vultures and Peruvian Boobys. Marvellous.
- 3rd Picture. OOhhh, wooooh ... one of the mysterious Nazca carvings. This is a whopping 173m tall carving into the sandstone, of a cactus. Who did it? What was its significance? Who knows? Was it for and by aliens? Woohhh ... of course not, it was pre-Incas getting high on the local hallucinogenic cactus juice, drawing whacked-out pictures of what tickled them most. If YOU had bugger all else to do with your life other than scratch in the desert for food, and get high on cactii, YOU'D start drawing what made you happy, too. This carving is linked with the more famous "Nazca Lines" out in the desert an hour or so down the road. Huge lines carved in the desert floor, making up pictures of monkeys and spiders and what-not that can only be seen properly from the air. Evidence of aliens! Or bored people high on cactus juice again? ... you decide.
- 4th picture. We found a colony of Essex Girls out on the islands. Well, they were ugly, had moustaches and smelt of fish ... so ... alright, they were sealions, and they were SOOO cool. They make a sound like people being tortured and dying on battlefields, and that's supposed to turn the lady sealions on. Fair enough. And they swim around the boats and play under the water. And we saw the bull lions fighting on the beaches, slapping their ample girths into each other, just like on David Attenborough. So cool. An absolute highlight of the trip.
- 5th pic. The birds I mentioned earlier.
- 6th pic. More pelicans.
- 7th pic. Where the sea lions live.
- 8th pic.
After the boat trip, we went into the National Park - more desert - and walked to a protected area to see Pink Flamingos. The only good thing, which is bad, is that to conserve the feeding grounds, you have to stay 100m away and go up an observation tower, so they look like teeny little pink blobs balancing on hairs. But we saw some later outside the special area, and they were cool. Everything was just c.o.o.l. about this day trip. So, in the National Park, we then drove out into the desert, and walked under the cruel sun, to a place called "La Catedral" - a view over a cliff which plunges down to and around a natural bay where birds nest. Now, it was an exceptionally impressive sight ... BUT ... what was much more interesting was the BEER-CAN THAT DEFIED GRAVITY.
Standing at the edge of the cliff, behind a low wall for those people like me who don't like cliff edges, we saw a beer can roll across the desert floor, from the cliff edge. A little confusing. Then it rolled back to the cliff edge and fell off. Then 2 seconds later - WHOOSH! - it flew up into the air, arced, and fell back on the desert floor again. Then rolled to the edge of the cliff, and, with half the can off the cliff and half on, it danced along the cliff edge, sometimes falling off, but magically floating back up again and dancing along the cliff edge again. Very very amusing.
shh .. don't tell anyone but there was a wind coming up the cliff face, off the sea, which was stopping the beer can from falling off - keep it a secret though, cos it looked like magic
A thoroughly marvellous day out, we left the desert with mouths filmed with dust.
After, we zoomed back to the town centre, paid an extortionate amount for a bus ticket - oh lucky us, the prices went from $9 to $20 a bus ticket just for Christmas - and took a 14hr bus journey to Arequipa, the 2nd largest city in Peru, up in the mountains, framed by a volcano and the Andes.
And now for some adventures .. of a different kind.
Arequipa is a beautiful city. Many of the buildings are built of the local volcanic stone, which is very white / light beige in colour. The buildings still have much of the original colonial styling to them, despite the many earthquakes that hit the city - including one within the last 18 months that destroyed large parts of the city - even now the cathedral in the main square, a grand baroque edifice - is propped up with wooden scaffolding. And its the main square where our interesting adventures take place. Step this way ..
One side of the square is dominated by the cathedral, then the other 3 sides have covered paths, where the balconies of the buildings cascade to the ground in archways that run the length of the square, and the supporting columns arch over to each other. Its a lovely effect, one that's probably mirrored to some effect in many town squares.
On one side of the square, all the buildings are occupied by restaurants - and they ALL want your business. Women stand outside with menus, and as soon as your pale gringo face, or your lanky gringo walk is seen through los locales, they rush over - "eat?" "cheap food" "free beer, only 10 for menu". And if you stop for even one microsecond ... even to say "no thanks", then all the other women assume that you want food, and before you know it, you're surrounded by women begging for you. Oh, our egos just swell and swell. Did I write egos? phew ...
After just one day of this, and being hassled by about 6 women at once, all talking at you at once, Gonzo became famous, thanks to both his Superman T-shirt, and the amusing similarity of his name to "Gordo" - if you remember, meaning "Fat" in Spanish.
So, its Christmas Eve, we're wandering back to the square in the evening, thinking of playing the women off against each other, which they did anyway, and we decided, after a fierce bidding war, to go into Shirley's restaurant, to the fading cries, as we go up the stairs to the balcony area, of "no, Superman, fly to me restaurang!". Gonzo got very good at feigning embarrassment, all the while with a little "aaaayyyyee" twinkle in his eye.
We had a lovely Xmas Eve meal - we tried various different soups (Creole, Corn), then pasta, and drank our free Pisco Sours. And then, as it was Xmas Eve, we wanted to go dance in a disco, so we asked 'our Shirley' where we could go. After a twisty-turny conversation, we somehow agreed to meet up with her and go to a locals' disco, rather than a gringo one. This never worked out, as Shirley 'forgot' to meet us, so we went out and got verrrrrry drunk instead ... in a gringo bar. I can't remember the last 2 hours of the evening, apparently I was arguing philosophy though. Won't someone just shut me up?
So, primed with one night of being sought after by the restaurants, we went back the next night, having already decided to try the restaurant next door. Of course we didn't tell the women that -- no, first we stood for 10 minutes whilst they battled for our business. One woman was so ready for battle she even had a military style uniform on, and started saying that all the other restaurateurs were lying and cheating. Very amusing.
Bored of the street wars, we ensconced ourselves on the upstairs balcony (same balcony as the night before, 5 tables further along), and then reality wrapped round itself, and something very odd happened.
Gonzo became and International Sex Symbol, and Lusted After Stud-Muffin.
What is going on with the world? ;-)
Quietly sitting, sipping beer, two women on the table behind me, facing the boys, started looking over and then whispering amongst themselves. And then the more glamorous of the two (the other being something of a truffle-pig, oh, with an 8yr old child in tow) came over and asked if Gordy had the time. Oh, and could she get a cigarette too? We don't have any? Oh that's a shame.
Well, no-one thought anything of it. Until the women shouted over again, and asked if it'd be OK to take our photo. Well, obviously the vain side in Jackal came out, the pop-star in me surfaced, and the Hugh-Grantiness-Need-To-Be-In-Front-Of-A-Camera leapt out like a tiger on heat from Gonzo, and so we happily obliged.
Four photos later, it became very obvious that Glamour Lady, or Ofelia as we discovered, had a certain shine for our Gonzo. Were we sure we didn't have any cigarettes? No? ... still a shame.
Our food came, got eaten, and then we relaxed with disgusting local champagne (think - sickly sweet Perry / pear wine). And then - would we mind having some more photos taken? With both ladies, and the kid (who by this time was falling asleep on their table whilst they quaffed more ale). Thankyou so much for the photos.
With that ordeal over, we went back to our drinks, watched the world pass below in the square, over the balcony. And then came the questions. Not to me or Jackal, you understand, although to be fair, the uglier of the 2 women did say she quite liked the little shaven Munki (this is one time I'm happy to be an ugly git), but all for, and to, Gonzo. With me translating much of the Spanish. (Spanish speakers - forgive my Spanish following - its not good, but I hope you get the drift)
- ¡Me te gusta!, ella dijo (I like you, she said)
Shocked look from Gordy. Bumbling fop stuttering.
- Eres no como los Peruanos, hay alguna especial a tu (You are not like the Peruvian men, there's something special about you)
Shocked look from Gordy. Bumbling fop stuttering. Barely hidden smirking from Jackal & Astro, meaningful glances exchanged.
- ¿Te me gusta?, ella dijo (Do you like me? she asked).
- Err ... ummm ... , foppishly replied Gordy, looking at me with wild panic flailing in his eyes.
- She wants to know if you like her. I translated quietly.
- Sh*t, said Gordy, I actually understood that. Errr... what do I say?
(blank stare, suppressed smile from Astro)
- ¿Más fotos?, ella preguntó (More photos? she asked)
So over she came, and a photo with Jackal off one side, me off the other, and Gordy and The Lady dead centre was taken. And then ..
Could Glamour Lady give us a christmas kiss? OK then .... a peck on the cheek for Jackal, a peck on the cheek for Astro, then DIVE DIVE DIVE! Her puckered lips flew, like an eagle to the petrified mouse in the field, down towards Gonzo's waiting mouth; a look of panic flashed like lightning across Gonzo's eyes, and with reflexes that only a Superman could possess, he moved his head round and presented his freshly shaved cheek to the approaching predator. I swear, people, that I saw tongue movement under her cheek profile, ready to shoot out like an electric eel. I almost choked on my champagne.
And then she went back to her seat and drank more beer, until the band started to play. And then things went all Fatal Attraction.
- ¿Te gusta la música? ella preguntó (You like the music? she asked)
- Sí, replied Gordy, already feeling the wait of the future bearing down on him.
With a blur of movement that you'd need digital camera technology to find out exactly what happened, The Lady was suddenly out of her chair and leaning, seductively, over Gordy.
- ¿Bailamos? pregunta (We dance? she asked)
- Errrrr (in a Hugh Grant stylee), eerrrrrrr .... no?
- ¿No? ¿No? ¿Porque no? (No? Why not?)
- Errrrr ... No me gusta, Gordy bumbled out (I don't like it)
- ¿Porque no? Vamos, bailamos (Why not? Come on, let's dance)
- (Meekly)No. No quiero. (No, I don't want to)
- ¿Porque? ¿Porque no?
Panicked look across to Astro
- I'm ready to leave now, Gordon, do you fancy a walk?, a saving question from Astro across the table.
- Ah, si. Mi amigo quiere salir, dijo Gordy a La Mujer (Ok. My friend wants to leave, said Gordy to the lady)
- Primero, ¡bailamos!, perdío (First we dance!, she ordered)
- Errrrrrrrr (floppy hair flops like floppy curtains across his forehead, giving him a foppish Hugh Grant look. Bumbling Britishman abroad, without meaning to, increasing his foreign charm). - No. No quiero.
- ¿Porque no?
Astro starts to get scared as well, in empathy. The "let's dance" "no" "why not?" molestation continues. Astro stands, says he's ready to go. Eventually The Lady gives up and returns to her table. The boys gather their jackets and leave.
Heard echoing down the corridor -
- ¡Regresa! ¡Regresa! (Come back! Come back!)
The boys return to their hostel, and find a dead bunny boiling gently in a small pan in the hostel's kitchen.
Poor Gordy. Savaged by a Peruvian woman who's only crime was finding Foppish Scottish Beefcake attractive.
Oh, and being a complete nutter.
Happy New Year everyone. We ran away from Arequipa fearing stalking action, but not before we'd been to Colca Canyon and hung out with the Llamas and Picuñas - of which .. more later.
Adios.
