Gallo Pinto - A dish served at all times throughout Central America consisting of rice and beans, or sometimes beans with rice. Dry, tasteless and cheapest on the menu.

Corriente - On a similar note, this is the rich man's "Gallo Pinto" ... in that it's served with egg. You can usually ask to have the egg cooked in any way you want, though scrambled is how you normally get it anyway.

... con carne - Translation "with meat". A dish served "with meat".

... sin carne - Translation " without meat". A dish served "WITH meat".

Vegetarian Option - A dish served without meat, containing only vegetables ... and ham, chicken or fish. See "... sin carne".

Desayuno - Breakfast. Consists of eggs. Veggie option ... eggs, usually with ham.

Desayuno Americano - Eggs and ham with coffee.

Desayuno Mexicano - Eggs with onion and chillis ... and ham.

El Menu- A set menu of starter (soup), main course (meat with chips or rice) and dessert (jelly or fruit chunks). Its always the cheapest option and always fun to watch rival restaurants haggle the prices down for you as you happily stand by.

Tenedor Libre - Great invention of Argentina where you can help yourself to as much food as you can possibly stomach in a week for as little as US$3 dollars (depending on the current state of the Argentinian Peso). Includes huge chunks of roasted meat for the veggies. Marvellous! We've so far only managed a 2 hour sitting with 8 courses. Can anyone beat us??! Barney? Al?

Food by the kilo - Brazilian invention of similar nature where you take food from a buffet and then weigh the plate! You pay "by the kilo". Record ... Gordy on 850 grams!

KNOW YOUR FELLOW TRAVELLERS. TIPS ON CONVERSATIONS.

Ozzies -

The great vegemite / marmite debate.
Quockas ... a very rare marsupial, the butt of much molestation by camping Bruces on the only island in the world on which it exists; such as: "Quockas on the bbq" or "quocka soccer".
Kiwis - never confuse Kiwis with Ozzies, after all, whilst an Ozzie may have sexual relations with a sheep when desperate, its the Kiwis that can tell the good-looking ones from the sturdy ones.
Neighbours.
Regional Differences - Ozzies from different states drink different beer. Swan, VB (Victoria Beer), Fosters; a different beer for a different state. Be assured that they all taste crap, and are only superior to British beer by the fact that they are always served cold.

Remember to always throw in some colourful local lingo, e.g.

"Doona" - or a quilt to those who can speak English properly ;-)
"Ya great Gallah!"
"Throw some mor shrimps on the bar-B, mate!"
"G-day ... Mate!"
The word "feral". In Britain, this word follows its dictionary definition - a domestic animal having gone wild; in Australia, the word "feral" means the same as "minging" "bogus" "disgusting" "awful" in the UK or US. Example, "Awh mayt, that Sheila's real feehral", "Awh mayt, Marmite's reyhal fayrahl", "Awh mayt, ah corn't belayv yaw ayt that! That's reyhl furhl!" (apologies for the change in accent; this is to account for regional differences).
"She'll be right"
Used to describe anything that will be all right. Very handy.
"Poor little fellah" "Poor little tyke" and Poor little bugger"
Said when flattened roadkill is sighted.

Swiss - The Swiss are tricky. Always mention Nazi gold, cuckoo clocks and Toblerone though. You should be aware of 2 things - in Switzerland, Cuckoo Clocks are associated with Germans; the city Lucerne has a much better Mardi Gras carnival than Rio de Janeiro, Sydney, and the Berlin Love Parade combined. Really.

Germans - Mullets are a must, followed by David Hasslehoff hits of the 90s and of course more mullets. The war always goes down well.

Israelis - Often found on the west bank of lakes and countries (this is true! - its from experience), they travel in packs of 20 or, strangely, as lone anti-semites. Talk about national conscription.

Dutch - A Virulent species of European, spreading quickly through all Latin American countries. There is NO escape. Just mention the lack of a football team in the champions league or world cup to get them to leave. Just kidding Patrick and Masha! You can also talk about southern Dutch people being stupider than northern Dutch people. Or Amsterdam.

U.S.A. - Surf doods. Haven't met anyone else yet, so just mention "gnarly waves" and "cool tubes" to get a free beer.

And finally, just to show how incredibly cultured we really are in The Great British Isles, here are 144 euphemisms for getting DRUNK!

Ankled, Badgered, Banjaxed, Battered, Befuggered, Bernard Langered, Bladdered, Blasted, Blathered, Bleezin, Blitzed, Blootered, Blottoed, Bluttered, Boogaloo, Brahms & Liszt, Buckled, Burlin , Bolloxed Cabbaged, Chevy Chased, Clobbered, C*nted, Decimated, Dot Cottoned, Druck-steaming, Drunk as a Lord, Drunk as a skunk, Etched, Fecked, Fleemered, Four to the floor, Gatted, Goosed, Got my beer goggles on, Guttered (Inverness), Geeshed, Had a couple of shickers, Hammer-blowed, Hammered, Hanging, Having the whirlygigs, Howling, Inebriated, Intoxicated, Jahalered, Jaiked up, Jan'd - abbrev for Jan Hammered, Jaxied, Jeremied, Jolly, Kaned, Lagged up, Lamped, Langered (Ireland) [also langers, langerated], Laroped, or alt. larrupt, Lashed, Leathered, Legless, Liquored up (South Carolina), Locked, Locked out of your mind (Ireland), Loo la, Mad wey it, Mandoo-ed, Mangled, Manky, Mashed, Meff'd, Merl Haggard, Merry, Minced, Ming-ho, Minging, Moired, Monged, Monkey-full, Mottled, Mullered, Newcastled, Nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant, Off me pickle, Off me trolley, On a campaign, Out of it, Out yer tree, Paggered, Palintoshed, Paraletic, Peelywally, Peevied, Pickled, Pie-eyed, Pished, Plastered, Poleaxed, Pollatic, Rat-legged (Stockport), Ratted, Ravaged, Razzled, Reek-ho, Rendered, Rosy glow, Rubbered, Ruined, Saying hello to Mr Armitage, Scattered, Schindlers, Screwed, Scuttered (Dublin), Shedded [as in " My shed has collapsed taking most of the fence with it"], Slaughtered, Sloshed, Smashed, Snatered (Ireland), Snobbled (Wales), Sozzled, Spangled, Spannered, Spiffed, Spongelled, Squiffy, Steamin, Steampigged, Stocious, Stonkin', Tanked, Tashered, Tipsy, Trashed, Trollied, Troubled, Trousered, Twisted, Warped, Wasted, Wellied, With the fairies, Wrecked, W@nkered, Zombied

HeadF*ck - the rules

(Copyright of the boys)

Here is a great card game that all the family can enjoy! Its really simple to play - the most complicated part is explaining the rules. We'll give it our best shot ...

Ok, this is a game of memory. A game where, with certain exceptions, you are never going to look at your cards. A game where the aim is to score as few points as possible by the end of a hand, a game where you are going to stop talking and chattering whilst you incessantly cycle numbers through your head. A game that is going to take over your life for at least 5 minutes whilst you play it.

Before we fully explain the rules, allow us a moment of ego - although based on a simpler card-game called simply "The Memory Game", HeadF*ck is much improved and mutated, and you have the following people to thank: Carl Turner, Gordon Birkett, Avram Goldbert and Graeme Maughan. The game was devised, fiddled around and generally b*ggered about with in Nicaragua, on a small volcanic island in early December 2001.

Right! Lets play ...

6-Card HeadF*ck:
Basic aims - each player receives 6 cards, face down, in 2 rows of 3. At each turn, the player will pick up a card from the pack, and must swap it with one of the cards in their hand. Each card, with some exceptions, is worth its face value, and the aim is to end up with a hand worth as few points as possible. At the end of the hand, brought about by a player "calling" when they believe they have a good hand, all cards are viewed, and counted up, and scores are noted down, and added to scores from previous rounds. When a player reaches 100, they are out of the game.The winner is the last man standing.

That's the basic rules and aims, but how do you actually play?

Deal each player 6 cards. DO NOT look at the cards.

Arrange your cards in two rows of three cards, all cards face-down. So you should have a 'top' row of three, and a 'bottom' row of three. For the mathematically inclined, a 2x3 rectangle.

Each player is allowed to look, just this once at the top row of three cards. Look at the cards, REMEMBER the cards, and then place them back down on the table, face down.

YOU MUST NEVER LOOK AT YOUR CARDS AGAIN, NOR MOVE THEM AROUND - ALL CARDS REMAIN FACE DOWN IN THEIR ORIGINAL POSITIONS

Remember your aim is to have as few points as possible - How is this achieved?

When all cards are dealt, place the rest of the pack in the centre of the playing area, face down. The first player, to the left of the dealer, picks up a card from the pack, looks at it, remembers it, and then must swap it with one of their cards. The card you have 'thrown out' is placed face-UP next to the pile of cards.

Player two then has two options - pick up a 'blind' card from the pack, or pick up the card just disposed of by the previous player.

Which cards do you choose, and why?

Low-value cards - aces, twos, threes, etc., are obviously good cards to pick up; they are worth few points (cards are worth face value), and so contribute to a low scoring hand.

BUT - PAIRING CARDS is a better way of reducing your score. If, from your initial look at your top three cards, you remember you have, let's say, a '9', then when you pick up another 9, the two pair-up, and are worth zero points. Pairing cards, or getting three or four the same cancels out their points.

So, you now have two aims - collect cards to pair up with what you know you already have, and collect low value cards when this isn't possible.

What about those Exception Cards?

Jacks and Queens are worth 10-points; and you can NEVER pair them up. They are always worth 10-points. If you have two Jacks - that's not zero, no sirreee, that's 20-points you've got their. Same with Queens.

Kings are always worth '0' (zero) points, and are therefore worth keeping hold of. You can't pair up Kings, but as they're worth zero, it doesn't matter. What, you want them to be worth minus amounts? You can see the Variants section for that!

Jokers - you can pair a Joker up with anything except Jacks and Queens. A Joker is therefore a great 'wild-card' to get.

Let's recap on the rules quickly:

6 cards, face down. Arrange in two rows of three. Look at the top row, place back face down, never look at your cards or move them again.

In turn, each player picks up a card from the pack, looks at it, and swaps it with any one of their existing cards. You are looking to collect pairs/ triples/ quadruples of cards (two 9s, two 6s, three 10s, etc), Kings or Jokers or low-value cards, to ensure that you have as few points as possible. Whilst all cards are worth their face value and can be paired up, starting with Aces=1, etc., Jacks and Queens are always worth 10 points, Kings 0, and Jokers' Wild.

What more do you need to know?

When you think that you have a good hand, having replaced at least one card, you can "call". When this happens, the caller gets no more chances to swap a card, and all remaining players are given one more chance if they want to swap a card. You MUST call BEFORE you swap your card; this is to to ensure that you have remembered your cards correctly - because, if you call, and then swap your card over and find you've swapped the wrong one .. well, it adds to the fun of the game doesn't it?

When everyone has finished swapping cards, play ends, and you count up how many points you have in your hand.

Scoring

The person who has called is in the position of thinking that they have the lowest amount of points out of all the players. But have they?

When everyone has added their scores up, the person with the lowest - hopefully the caller - scores zero (0) points; no matter what they actually scored, if they got the lowest, they get zero.

If the caller doesn't have the lowest score for that hand, then their actual score is multiplied by the number of players who beat them, plus one. Let's explain this with an example - its really easy:

3 players, Beryl, Barbara and Barry are playing. Beryl calls, the hand ends, and the players reveal their cards and count their points.

Beryl had 6 points in her hand - two 5s (zero), a King (0), a 3, a 2 and an Ace. Combined score - 6 points.

Barbara had 5 points though - two 9s, a 10 + a Joker (0), a 4 and an Ace. Combined score - 5.

Barry has 6 points - let's say a 2, a 4, two 8s and two 7s. Combined score - 0.

Unfortunately for Beryl, she hasn't got the lowest score - Barbara beat her, and Barry got the same. So we multiply her score by (two people + one) = 3. Six times three: Beryl's score is 18 points.

Barbara scores 0 (zero), as she got the lowest, and Barry scores 6 (six). See, pretty easy.

Play continues until there is only one person left, players leaving the game when their score equals or surpasses 100 points.

Let's recap on the rules of calling and scoring

When you think you've got few or no points, you should call. You can call on your first go if you want, but you still must swap that first card over. You must call before you swap the current card on your turn.

The person with the lowest number of points scores zero, everyone else gets the point value in their hands, remembering the rules about pairing, Jacks, Queens, Kings and Jokers.

If the caller does not have the lowest number of points, their score is multiplied by (no. of people who beat them plus 1). So, if 4 people have fewer points than the caller, the caller's score is multiplied by 5.

Variants, Variations, Strategy, Dirty Tricks, Cheating

Variant #1: Jokers - if you have a 'spare' Joker at the end of play, i.e. not matched up with anything in particular (as an example, say your 6-cards are two 2s, two 6s, a King and a Joker, your Joker is not matching anything in particular), then you deduct 5 points from your total score.

Variant #2: If 6 was 9 version - if at any point your score equals '69', you automatically win.
If you combine Variant #1 with V.#2, this is called Bunny HeadF*ck and was invented by Patrick Wenckeback and Corinne Overman. Those crazy cats.

Variant #3: Jokers - same as above, but ADD 10 points to your overall score. Shame on you for not keeping that Joker in play! This variant invented by, er .. probably Carl. Well done, Splitter!

Variant #4: Total HeadF*ck - you play with 8 cards, not 6. Eight cards to remember, as you constantly swap one card at a time, trying to remember where you put the 7, whether it was a 4 next to the 8, or a 9, ooh, or is it a Queen? Ah bugger!

Variant #5: Ultimate HeadF*ck - play with 9 cards instead of 6. 3 rows of 3. You must look only at 3 cards and the other 6 remain blind. Not one to play when surrounded by chatting people (especially if they want to talk to you), when drinking, or - and obviously we don't recommend this, but from hearsay - when smoking the wacky baccy (we understand your short term memory is somewhat affected, similar to when drinking).

Variant #6: Go on, think of something! Get playing, and send us in your own 'crazy' 'wacky' 'off-the-wall' rules. First person to send in decent, original, rules for drinking HeadF*ck gets a prize.

There you go - the game of HeadF*ck. You could teach your granny in 5 minutes, if you politely renamed it (we recommend "The Memory Game" as a suitable alternative). Have fun!

ooh, dirty tricks! If you've got a score somewhere near 100, and you're pretty sure you're going out next round, then just call when you're swapping your first card. Yeah, you've got 3 blind cards, probably a Jack or Queen or two in their, BUT ... SO HAS EVERYBODY ELSE! Think of how many points you can force people to score, the number of people you could take out with you ... go on, be evil.

And no sodding cheating! This applies to anyone called Dave, and Gordy.

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