Series 3, a series that saw new faces and Daisy promoted from ‘large bit on the side’ to co-presenter. Here’s the best from the first few shows, which are Tuesday October 26, 1999 until Thursday November 4.
“Payne Stewart crash. Did he hit a birdie?”
Tommy Vance (News Slam)
“Why shouldn’t women get eggs over the Internet? I’ve been getting spunk over my computer for years.”
Iain Lee on about supermodel eggs for sale (News Just In)
“Prince Phillip engraced himself with the President by saying his wife had good tits for a slitty eyed bird.”
Iain on the Queen’s visit to China (News Just In)
DAISY – Front bottom. How does it feel?
GLENDA JACKSON – I don’t understand what you mean by front bottom.
(The Angel of Delight)
“A friend of mine fucked her though and said she was brilliant.”
Malcolm MacLaren on Bridgette Bardot (Studio Interview)
“But why is French soft cheese so delicious? Well, apparently French farmers have a special way of pulling back the foreskin.”
Iain on boycotting French food (Headlines)
“Not content with killing our Princess, the French are at it again.”
Alan Francis on the beef war
“Thora Hurd, the tit interest in Last of the Summer Wine…”
Daisy Donovan (Showbiz News)
“Caprice has denied rumours she is dating Rod Stewart. She said ‘I don’t need another saggy blonde twat between my legs’.”
Iain (Showbiz News)
DAISY – Do you think it’s right that women get paid less?
OLD WOMAN – No, not if they’re doing the same job.
DAISY – But they are always on the period.
WOMAN – What do you mean always on the period?
DAISY – On the rag?
WOMAN – Pardon?
DAISY – Blob?
WOMAN – I’m not with you.
DAISY – Got the painters in?
WOMAN – Oh, I understand, yes… yes…
(Street interview on women getting paid less than men for the same jobs)
“Apparently the couple have spent £200,000 on fertility treatment to get the surrogate mother pregnant. Why didn’t they just shag her?”
Daisy on two gay dads having children (Headlines)
“After a long drawn out siege, the terrorists finally surrendered, releasing the hostages unhurt. Apart from the dead ones and those who were injured.”
Ricky Gervais reporting on the assassination of the Armenian Prime Minister
“I love Yop. It’s got the consistency of good, strong semen.”
Iain talking about a drink called Yop.
“The French are a terrible pain in the arse.”
Michael Winner (Studio Interview)
ALI G – Is it true lookin back now dat Reagan and Thatcher was actually doin it?
ALEXANDER HAIG – Doing it?
ALI – For real. Is it true dat dey was doin it, sleepin?
HAIG – I think that at that point in Ronald Reagan’s life he couldn’t do it if he wanted to.
(The Voice of Youth)
“The Prince has been hunting with Camilla Parker-Bowles, who’s proof that if the wind changes, your face really does stay like that.”
Iain
“Tony Blair is to set up a new Ministry for Rural Affairs, or incest as it’s more commonly known.”
Iain (Headlines)
“According to a new survey, two out of three people are failing in bed because of stress…”
Daisy looks at Iain
“…The third person is said to be very disappointed.”
Daisy (News Just In)
DAISY – You were only sixteen when you passed your exam into Cambridge, and people must have really been scrutinising your entrance as a young man.
LEON – Well I really did it as a sort of dummy run, I thought have a go, it’s good practice.
Leon Britton interview (The Angel of Delight)
“The last deep coal mine in the north east is to close next year with the loss of four hundred jobs. WAHEY!”
Keith Chegwin reading out the news in a cheerful way (Studio interview)
“Two minutes into the show and not one cheap double entrande. It wasn’t easy, but Michael [Portillo], if you’re watching, I’ll bend over backwards for you… And suck your cock.”
Iain
“A new survey shows that taller women have a better chance of promotion. However, it’s only fair that I point out that women with small hands makes your cock look bigger.”
Iain (Headlines)
“I’m quoting you now. ‘I can’t imagine having great sex with Margaret Thatcher.’ Now, does that mean you can actually imagine having sex with Margaret Thatcher?”
Daisy to documentary maker Nick Broomfield (Studio Interview)
IAIN – Now, how much of your work has been influenced by semenal documentary maker Ben Dover?”
NICK – Are you talking about Michael Portillo again?
From the same interview
“Would you like to make a film about the Queen Mum while there’s still time?”
Iain to Nick
“A mother with the surname Lee has been criticised for naming her children Obvious Lee and Sure Lee. She said they were great kids who would do anything for their sister Dairy.”
Daisy (News Just In)
“Is it true dat you ave certain female spies dat ave a camera in der punanny?”
Ali G to former head of the CIA, Admiral Stansfield Turner (The Voice of Youth)
“Chris and Geri. Ugly bloke dates fat lookalike.”
Tommy Vance (News Slam)
“Every time Carol Vorderman comes on the tele, so do I. Two from the top and one from the bottom.”
Iain
“Twenty seven year old Geri has a single to sell. Twenty seven in dog years maybe.”
Iain on Geri Helliwell’s relationship with Chris Evans
“When she left The Spice Girls, he was there to comfort her. They stayed up all night drinking tea and dunking ginger nuts. Then she played with his balls.”
Daisy on the same matter
DAISY – We’ll be chatting with sweet talking weather girl Sian Lloyd.
SIAN (doing a forecast) – Oh fucking hell!
“Railtrack bosses announced a £236million profit. A spokesman said it sent out the wrong signal. We asked a driver and he said ‘What signal?’”
Daisy just a couple of days after a major crash involving a Railtrack train (Headlines)
“That Bank Holiday when the Queen Mum finally dies.”
Alex Lowe on what Australians would miss if they were to vote out the Queen
“According to a new report, snoring makes you crap in bed. Surely that’s loose bowels?”
Daisy (News Just In)
“Not to mention the phoenix like rebirth of Welsh politics. It’s all very exciting and baffling, especially if you’re English and don’t give a shit.”
Daisy commenting on events in Wales
DAISY – How would you sum up the characteristics of Welsh people?
MAN IN AUDIENCE – Mmeeeehhhh [as in a sheep bleating].
SIAN – Hey, hang on, hang on, hang on… Just bear in mind, we shag them, you eat them.
Daisy, Sian Lloyd and an unexpected extra (Studio Interview)
OLD MAN – What do women prefer about men?
DAISY – Enormous cocks.
MAN – Pardon?
DAISY – Nothing.
Street interview on the sacking of two women from Eurostar for wearing trousers.
DAISY – Good news.
IAIN – The IRA are threatening boy band Westlife.
DAISY – Bad news.
IAIN – There’s a cease fire.
OTHER MOMENTS
Lain Lee, not Iain at the Liberal Democrat party conference 1999.
A skinhead touching up and licking Iain during a street interview on touching at work.
Iain’s vox pops.
Reconstructing the first ejaculation shown on British TV, which was shown in the broadcast prior to The 11 O’Clock Show. White liquid was squirted from off camera onto a picture of Michael Portillo’s face.
Humping cows interrupting a news reporter reporting on the beef war.
Iain and Sian Lloyd flirting throughout the studio interview.
Other Quotes Pages
Series 2
Series 3 page 2
Series 3 page 3
Series 3 page 4
Series 4
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