Continuing with quotes from Series 3, these quotes run from Tuesday November 9, 2000 until Thursday November 18.
“Chris Evans is shagging the unshaggable. And so is Geri Halliwell.”
Iain Lee
“I’m here with a right Douglas Hurd.”
Daisy Donovan using Cockney rhyming slang to great effect when introducing Lord Hurd (The Angel of Delight)
DAISY – Lord Hurd, what was it like being blown by an Irishman?
HURD – It was odd, very odd.
DAISY – Are you worried about being blown again?
HURD – No, not at all.
Daisy and Hurd on the IRA bombing (The Angel of Delight)
DAISY – Do you not think that everyone is waiting for you to spill your beans over Margaret Thatcher?
HURD – I hope so.
From the same The Angel of Delight interview
DAISY – A lot of…
Daisy makes a wanking sign.
ROLAND – A lot of doing that (copies Daisy) which you’re obviously a fan of aren’t you?
Daisy and Roland Rivron (Studio Interview)
DAISY – It’s Saturday afternoon. You’ve got no live football to broadcast. What spot are you going to show in it’s place?
IAIN – Or sport. Football’s a sport.
Daisy cocks up big time (same Studio Interview)
“How ironic it’s people in wheelchairs that are standing up for their rights.”
Iain
“Nick Faldo announced his engagement to glamorous 26 year old Valerie Burcher today. It’s his third wife so that means he’s on the ninth hole.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“There will be more money for wrist clinics and blind charities as Brown announced a levy on wank mags.”
Alan Francis reporting on Gordon Brown’s pre Budget budget.
RICKY – Do blind people still get £2 off a colour licence?
DAISY – Yeah I think so.
RICKY – What if their family’s watching it? They’re having a laugh at our expense.
Studio discussion.
DAISY – He used to run around laughing when he was playing.
STUART – Why not? What’s wrong with that?
DAISY – He was pissed!
Daisy and Stuart Hall talking about George Best (Studio Interview)
“Hunting is part of our cultural heritage and without tradition our nation will fall apart. Think how much the crime rate has soared since they banned cock fighting, bear baiting and scout fucking.”
Daisy on fox hunting
“Yesterday was National Curry Day. Today is ‘I Wouldn’t Go In There For A Couple Of Minutes Day’.”
Iain (News Just In)
“What is supply and demand? Is it like wit me Julie, I supply it and she demand it aye.”
Ali G to leading economist Professor J.K. Galbraith (The Voice of Youth)
“What appens if I use de Internet and instead of dat address, I do it on wwf.swedishfanny.com cos den everyone will fink dey will see some nice girls whatever and what do dey see? Me slippers.”
Ali’s idea to make a million in the same interview
“Just think of what we could achieve in two minutes. I could have had sex. Twice.”
Iain on Remembrance Day.
DAISY – After the pro-hunt campaign in Cardiff yesterday, there was outrage in rural Wales over the realisation that incest is illegal.
Cut to a Welsh country man with his face blurred out.
MAN – Absolutely livid and if it is banned, what do I do? I’m 22…
(Headlines)
“At eleven o’clock this morning, two minutes silence was observed to remember the War. Of course the Americans kept on talking and only joined in just before the end.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“…and cinema films that actually show you a bit of muff.”
Alex Lowe on what we’d miss by boycotting French goods
IAIN – Do.
DAISY – Teach the class to add up and divide. Don’t.
IAIN – Encourage them to multiply.
Referring to the Renata Williams sex with pupil court case (Do’s and Don’ts)
DAISY – Do.
IAIN – Take double maths. Don’t.
DAISY – Take double penetration.
Later in the same segment
“You’ve been called a psycho, an obscene curiosity, a freak and a poodle haired fanny basher.”
Iain to boxing champion Jane Couch (Studio Interview)
“Daisy, would you like to ask the rest of the following questions? I’ve just shit myself.”
Iain after being climbed on and punched by Jane (Studio Interview)
DAISY – Do you think there’s power in prayer Iain?
IAIN – Yeah definitely. Only the other day I was on my knees in church. I was sucking off a priest.
IAIN – Have you ever thought there must be more to life than constant annihilation and poking fun at people?
DAISY – Ah, who cares you lanky twat.
“When did the Tory party last have a mass debate?”
Iain to Stoke MP Bill Cash (Iain’s Choice)
“I think she’s mutton dressed as lamb. Lamb shit.”
Daisy on Cherie Blair
“One thing’s for sure. If they do get delivered any kind of package by Gerry Adams, they’ll be running well ahead of any bugger in front of them.”
Paul Garner reporting on the Northern Ireland peace talks
OLD WOMAN – McGuiness is it? What’s his name, the second one after Gerry?
PAUL – Duff Paddy.
WOMAN – Yeah, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him
Talking about the same subject.
“Baron Lord Colin Moinahan. What a mouthful you are for me.”
A unique greeting from Daisy (The Angel of Delight)
“He’s called then lazy bug-eyed green shits.”
Iain talking about Prince Philip and aliens (Street Interview)
“This time tomorrow we’ll know who will be going to the finals next summer and who will be staying at home. In Scotland.”
Danny Bhoy reporting on the Euro 2000 playoffs.
“Reports that the menu have been leaked have been denied by Charles. He reported ‘All I said is that I will definitely be having the moose that night.”
Iain after Camilla Parker-Bowles announced she would be cooking on Millennium night
“I’ve heard Mike Tyson’s marriage is in trouble. His wife won’t sleep with him any more. Not because of the rape but ever since he bit Holyfield’s ear she doesn’t trust him going down on her any more.”
Junior Simpson (Studio discussion)
TONY – Little Daisy Donovan, little Daisy Donovan…
Daisy looks smug.
TONY – …wasn’t that a picture of two cats?
Daisy looks disappointed.
DAISY – No, it was a heart.
TONY – Another house?
DAISY – A heart.
TONY – Oh, a heart.
DAISY – I wasn’t very original. I thought you were going to say I was excellent, but no. You got the wrong picture.
Daisy and Tony Hart discussing what Daisy and Iain sent into The Gallery on Tony Hart’s shows (Studio Interview)
“In your day, er, you know, you courted, a lady showed a bit of ankle, maybe if you were lucky, you fucked her.”
Daisy to an old man (Street Interview on flirting)
“Do you wanna have a look at my furry monkey?”
Daisy to a young man in the same Street Interview
“Boy George is to play a gangster in a new British movie. It’s called Lick, Cock and Two Stroking Bollocks.”
Iain (News Just In)
“Can I sue you if you as murdered me?”
Ali G to Alan Derschowitz, OJ Simpson’s lawyer (The Voice of Youth)
ALAN – Every state has a different age of consent for having sex with somebody. Some states it’s 17, some states it’s 14, some states it’s 18.
ALI – In which state is it 14?
(The Voice of Youth)
“Showbiz Wedding. Flirt in skirt to marry twat in hat.”
Tommy Vance on Denise Van Outen and Jay Kay (News Slam)
“Keegan. Worst beating since lay-by.”
Vance again. England 0 Scotland 1 in the Euro 2000 playoff (News Slam)
“I haven’t seen a performance so bad since I took the mirror of my bedroom ceiling.”
Iain on the same match
“It sounds appalling. Someone told me Kevin Keegan pulled off Michael Owen.”
Daisy, who didn’t see the match.
“Treat young people first. They’ve got stuff to do.”
Ricky Gervais on the NHS
“What’s the similarity between the England team and a stroke victim? They’re both useless down the left hand side.”
Ricky
“Many small boys have been helped by Ron’s guiding hand.”
Paul Whitehouse on his ‘Fast Football’ character Ron Manager (Studio Interview)
IAIN – Which of your catchphrases do you hate people repeating to you in the street?
Paul pauses for a moment.
PAUL – Fuck off Whitehouse.
Same Studio Interview
“He’s like a girl.”
Paul on Johnny Depp (tudio Interview)
DAISY – Now, sperm was all over the papers this week.
IAIN – And this time it definitely wasn’t me.
“It has been revealed that Posh Spice buys her clothes from a shop called Tarts. She said she likes to slip into something simple. Just like her husband.”
Daisy (News Just In)
IAIN – Daisy, do you think she [The Queen] enjoys the Royal Opening?
DAISY – No, but Philip laps it up.
Daisy talks dirty, bringing an unwanted vision to everyone’s eyes
OTHER MOMENTS
Daisy mimicking Geri Halliwell learning sign language saying she should have learnt one meaning boyfriend (Chris Evans) and making a wanker sign.
Michael Portillo’s wordsearch, with BENTMAN highlighted.
Gary Glitter’s diary.
The 11 O’Clock Show’s alternative Gallery – Remember Hart to Hart anyone? (Studio Interview)
Daisy’s Street Interview on flirting.
Iain’s Street Interview on importing foreign sperm for Britain’s spunk banks.
Other Quotes Pages
Series 2
Series 3 page 1
Series 3 page 3
Series 3 page 4
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