Continuing with quotes from Series 3, these quotes run from Tuesday November 23, 2000 until Thursday December 2.
“The nearest we get to a decent shag is having a tonk over Charlie Dimmock on Ground Force.”
Iain Lee speaking for himself and middle-aged men.
“The Dome was visited yesterday by a Mrs M. Dome. Mrs Shit and Mrs Expensive were unavailable for the trip.”
Daisy Donovan (Headlines)
“They don’t believe that such a man would go out and pole a doughy-faced low-rinsed trumpet when he’s got a nice slice of blueblood muff tucked up at home.”
Paul Garner reporting on the Archer affair.
DAISY – Neil’s been on a rollercoaster ride in politics. He’s had the highs, he’s had the lows. When Neil goes down, do you cradle his head?
GLENYS – He does, I mean I do if necessary.
Daisy and Glenys Kinnock (The Angel of Delight)
“When you stand up, how big is your slot?”
Daisy asking Glenys about public speaking (The Angel of Delight)
PETER – I’ve got long hair…
DAISY (hugely sarcastic) – That’s a real winner yeah.
Talking about why Peter Stringfellow is successful (Studio Interview)
DAISY – What makes them so gu-gi?
PETER – Personality, beautiful, gorgeous and er…
DAISY – Enormous jugs.
Talking about strippers (Studio Interview)
“How do you persuade women to go to bed with you?”
Daisy being inquisitive to Stringfellow
“Sorry Peter, I would never go out with you. You’re as old as my grandad and I don’t like your hair.”
Nice young lady on the street (Studio Interview)
IAIN – So we’ll keep home robbery illegal but legalise shoplifting?
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN – Yeah, yeah.
Street Interview
“A lovely model cheated death when a stray bullet ricocheted off one of her breast implants. She said ‘Normally when something shoots at my tits I just wipe it off’.”
Iain (News Just In)
DAISY – Listen, listen, listen!
IAIN – I’m listening…
DAISY – I’ve gotta tell you something. Vanessa Feltz has split up with her husband. She’s on the market and you were only saying yesterday how you like a woman with a bit of meat on her.
IAIN – Not on her. In her.
“Why should we listen to people who volunteer to give old men baths?”
A well put question from Ricky Gervais reporting on social security
“This has all put a tremendous strain on her heart. That and the fifty Wagon Wheels she has for breakfast.”
Daisy contemplating a bad year for Vanessa Feltz
“What’s the connection between Geri Halliwell and Virgin Radio? They’ve both got a ginger twat.”
Pat Sharp (Studio Interview)
Would you ever pull a stunt like Geri Halliwell? And I said stunt.”
Daisy to Pat Sharp (Studio Interview)
“The Ministry of Sound said ‘As long as there is a hole in my arse he’ll never play here’.”
Daisy looking for a Millennium Djing job for Pat (Studio Interview)
IAIN – Would you ever tell a girl you love them just to get a shag?
MIDDLE AGED MAN – Yeah, sometimes yeah.
Later…
MAN – I’ve told loads of birds. Joanne, Sylvia, Rita… whatever
IAIN – Tell them whatever it takes to get your fingers wet?
MAN – Well yeah… me prick.
Street Interview on lying
“Apparently some model agency bosses expect the girls to perform sexual favours for them in return for work. Of course the girls didn’t swallow, think of the calories.”
Daisy (News Just In)
“My money’s on Michael. Each way? I hear he does.”
Iain on Michael Portillo and the Kensington & Chelsea by-election
“Michael Portillo has expressed his disappointment that most voters can’t be arsed.”
Iain (Headlines)
“Five minutes to dress or five minutes to wank as a goat?”
Daisy to a Caribbean man (Street Interview on humans stopped evolving)
“What do you get when you join a gang? Do you get a free gun?”
Ali G to Alejandro Alonso, expert on LA gangs (The Voice of Youth)
“Some people say they don’t know what makes Martin McGuiness tick. Well I say if you hear him ticking, clear the building.”
Iain
“Now he’s doing his bit for the disabled by knobbing about with that peg leg model.”
Daisy on Paul McCartney
“There appears to have been confusion at Cherie Blair’s pregnancy test when a nurse said ‘I’m just going to stick this in your twat.”
Cut to a picture of a nurse putting a stick in Tony Blair’s mouth.
Daisy (Headlines)
“Why when we had all these tossers together in one place, didn’t we bomb the bollocks off them?”
Paul Garner reporting on the anti-capitalist demonstration in London
“What’s it like having your nose at the rim whilst you’re slurping away?”
Daisy asking Roy Hattersley about ideas that fly around Westminster (The Angel of Delight)
DAISY – Now do you look back and laugh when you see yourself on television dribbling out of your hole?
ROY – I never minded Spitting Image. First of all, I was the eponymous hero. I was the only one who spat…
(The Angel of Delight)
“You often stayed up all night working on your column.”
Daisy on Roy Hattersley’s book, ‘Buster’s Diaries’ (The Angel of Delight)
“You know recently that Rik [Mayall] had an accident, fell of his bike. It took me a long time to stop laughing. I thought I was finally rid of the old bastard.”
Light-hearted banter from Ade Edmondson (Studio Interview)
IAIN – Is it something you’d like to see or not?
YOUNG MAN – No.
IAIN – What if it were lesbians?
MAN – Yeah, that would be different.
Street Interview on the Gay Olympics.
“Fuck off you liar.”
Jeffrey Archer’s cat
“Posh Spice Victoria Adams has lashed out at critics who called her stupid and bulimic. In a statement she said ‘I’ve never even been to Bulimia’.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“Maths. I set a problem. I have six grenades, I give you two grenades. How many grenades do I have left? 254 but for fucks sake don’t tell Trimble.”
Daisy (Diary of Martin McGuiness)
“Yeah, they’re lovely. Oh sorry, I thought you said ‘Do you like my tits?’”
The infamous ‘Mack incident’. Lee Mack to Daisy. Daisy’s face was a picture.
“If I were a beauty queen, which one would you prefer? This is beauty queen one. (posher voice than normal!) I’m a geneticist and I speak five languages. Beauty queen two. (Latino voice) I care for the children and these (rubbing invisible large breasts) are nice. Beauty queen three. (normal voice) Fuck me, fuck me, me so horny, fuck me.”
Daisy to young man on Miss World. I’ll definitely have number three! (Street Interview)
IAIN – Isn’t this just an excuse for fat, ugly, smelly people to get sex?
FAT, UGLY MAN – Sounds great to me.
At Erotica 99 (Iain’s Choice)
“Here’s a girl we’d all run a hundred metres for… Miss Daisy Donovan.”
Not a mile then Iain?
“Did you ever do it on your parents’ bed?”
Iain to Carol Thatcher (Studio Interview)
BLACK MAN WEARING DUFFLECOAT – How do you know I’m a virgin?
IAIN – Well, look at the state of you.
Street Interview
DAISY – Good news.
IAIN – Charlie Dimmock gets a new calendar out which shows her in a range of revealing poses. Bad news.
DAISY – You might find your dad cracking one off over it in the shed.
Good News Bad News
MAN – Meet outside if you’re walking with the 10:30 demonstration.
RT – Hey y’all, I got room for couple in ma car.
RT Fulton at the anti-capitalist demos at Euston Station (What The Hell Is Going On?)
OTHER MOMENTS
Iain mock stripping after Peter Stringfellow invited Daisy to have a go (Studio Interview)
Pat Sharp ‘revealed’ as a bastard son of Peter Stringfellow
Iain, Asian man, pulling off judges and wanking (Vox Pop)
Daisy coming out to “What’s New Pussycat?” by Tom Jones and to the biggest reception I’ve heard on TV.
The infamous ‘Mack Incident’. Visual as well as verbal.
Quotes Pages
Series 2 Quotes
Series 3 Quotes Page 1
Series 3 Quotes Page 2
Series 3 Quotes Page 4
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