The final page of Series 3 quotes, which includes the shows from Tuesday December 7th to Thursday December 9th. Also includes the show broadcast on my birthday (Wednesday December 8th) and the Christmas Special that was broadcast the Wednesday before Christmas, which I saw being filmed the Thursday before.
“Cliff Richard is hoping to keep the hamsters in the number two slot.”
Daisy Donovan on the Christmas number one battle (Headlines)
“A judge has ruled that French Connection’s fcuk ad campaign is tasteless and obnoxious. A company spokesman said the judge was just being a miserable old wakner.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“It seems that full penetrative sex is the new Pokémon.”
Iain Lee on the ever increasing teenage pregnancies
IAIN – Do.
DAISY – Make it clear to your child what a loving relationship you have with their mother. Don’t.
IAIN – Come out of the bedroom and ask it to smell your finger.
(Do’s and Don’ts)
DAISY – Have you ever mastered the five knuckle shuffle? When you were at Oxford..?
DAY – The five muscle shuffle?
DAISY – Knuckle. Punting?
DAY – Punting. Ah yes. I have punted but not with any great…
DAISY – Shuffle.
DAY – Excellence.
Banter with Sir Robin Day (The Angel of Delight)
“I saw a picture of you and I’ve seen some cocks in my time but I have to say you’re the biggest cox I have ever seen. Amazing…”
To Sir Robin Day (The Angel of Delight)
“Next week, Karl Marx. Commie bastard.”
(Ricky Gervais’ Social History)
“She never slips out of character as that slightly, dirty soiled boiler who’s just worked off a dog behind the ghost train.”
Iain on Daniella Westbrook
DAISY – When did you decide you wanted to be a drug smuggler?
MARKS – When I was about 25.
DAISY – Right Howard, that’s interesting. Did you tell your careers advisor?
Daisy and Howard Marks (Studio Interview)
“Device found in [Gerry] Adams’ car. Luckily not one of his.”
Tommy Vance (News Slam)
“Tony Blair has launched NHS online. The system diagnoses what’s wrong with Internet users. It’s just a single page telling you’ve no friends and wank too much.”
Iain (Headlines)
“However, there is a page for people with incontinence. It’s at www dot nhsonline dot need a slash dot and another slash dot and yet another slash dot com.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“Adams has said he wants to the chief bugger. Downing Street have sent Peter Mandelson.”
Daisy on Gerry Adams being bugged (Headlines)
“They like a fight, when they’re not too busy wanking over animal porn.”
Ricky on the Dutch
“A new female urinal will mean that women will soon be able to go to the toilet just like men. Presumably they’ll just be able to pull down their pants and piss on the floor.”
Daisy (News Just In)
“Gary Glitter turned out to be the only man in the computer show with his webpages stuck together.”
Iain looking back at the last seven weeks
IAIN – It’s a special moment. We’ve been on screen together for the past seven weeks.
DAISY – I know.
IAIN – Do you think there’s a special F factor between us?
DAISY – Yeah, I think you’re a fucking idiot.
Light hearted banter at the start of the last show in the series
“The roads in Surrey are the most dangerous in Britain. In fact, a new report reveals you’re twice as likely to get hit by a car in Surrey than you are in South Wales. Of course, that’s because no-one can drive in South Wales. They’re all too busy bumming sheep to learn.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“Fuck off fatty.”
Iain to Ricky
“Daisy says never tell John Prescott that your legs are made of pies.”
Cartoon public announcement
“What was it like in the seventies having all those teenage boys pouring over your album sleeves?”
Iain to Suzi Quattro (Studio Interview)
SUZI – The good thing with that is that it’s sex with someone you love.
IAIN – Yeah, me.
Suzi and Iain discuss wanking (Studio Interview)
“Suzi Quattro’s implying I’ve got an erection.”
Iain (Studio Interview)
“Join in. Two’s up.”
Daisy trying to persuade someone to have a hypothetical threesome with his wife and her ficticious lesbain partner (Street Interview)
IAIN – Good news.
DAISY – Cleaner king James Dyson has invented a robot vacuum cleaner. Bad news.
IAIN – Birds no longer have anything to do.
Good News Bad News
THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL – ON CAMERA
“Gary Glitter touched us, no, when he sent us this delightful greeting. It’s a traditional Christmas scene, some young carol singers, and inside, well we don’t actually know what it says inside. It’s stuck together.”
Iain
IAIN – Does that mean I may get some?
Iain pokes his finger through a circle made by his other hand whilst he whistles.
DAISY – You can whistle all you like but you ain’t getting a shag.
“The Duke of York launches a Royal website. There’s controversy when the Diana page crashes.”
Iain (Royal News)
DAISY – In an unusally frank interview, Edward revealed the wedding night moment he shocked Sophie by proving how gay he’s not.
Cut to an interview with Prince Edward and Sophie Rhys-Jones in a leafy surrounding.
EDWARD – I managed to take her completely by surprise. She had no idea it was coming.
(Royal News)
“Looks like some spunk there.”
Iain whilst looking at an item representing the Virgin birth in a Bethlehem store
IAIN – People who don’t like Paul Garner should look away now.
Daisy covers her eyes.
“Every Christmas, some knobhead like this rolls out of a pub after a skinful of grog and thinks he’s safe to drive. But in a matter of minutes he’ll go from Dog and Duck to dead and fucked.”
Paul Garner on drink driving
“Think, Before you drink, Before you drive, Like an arsehole.”
Paul’s anti drink drive message.
“It’s the most nauseating piece of shit I’ve ever heard.”
‘John Peel’, aka Robin Ince on Cliff Richards’ ‘Millennium Prayer’
“You’re happy to kill our Princess, but you won’t buy our beef!”
Street Trader in Paris
“A friend of mine spent £700 on a bullet proof vest and got shot in the ass.”
Frank Carson in the mostly cut out Studio Interview
“The American Judicial System demand DNA samples from both Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. They save time and get both from a swab or her throat.”
Daisy (Political News)
DAISY – December, there are worries that John Prescott takes things too literally when Blair asks the Deputy Prime Minister to do a big job on the buses.
Cut to a picture of Prescott straining heavily on a bus seat (Political News)
IAIN – Don’t.
DAISY – Forget that a dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
Should you invite Daniella Westbrook round for Christmas? (Christmas Do’s and Don’ts)
“Posh calls him Brooklyn, because that’s where he was conceived. Apparently, Beckham wanted to originally call the baby Front Bottom.”
Iain (Showbiz News)
IAIN – Good news.
DAISY – Paul McCartney get’s a Parkinson’s special. Bad news.
IAIN – So does Dudley Moore.
(Good News Bad News)
OTHER CHRISTMAS SPECIAL MOMENTS
Ricky Gervais’ Penis Puppet Theatre
The crashing of Christopher Reeve’s and Stephen Hawking’s Scalectrix cars
The unedited Frank Carson interview – Five minutes of constant laughter
THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL – OFF CAMERA
Frank Carson fake farting all night, with Iain often blaming Daisy
Daisy makes a mistake very early on.
DAISY – Another fuck up by the remedial girl.
Production team makes a mistake. Daisy gets stopped mid flow...
DAISY - Heeellllooooo..?
IAIN - Oh no, can you see me wanking again?
Much laughter.
Production cues in Daisy, but she can't start because she’s laughing.
DAISY - (to Iain) Sorry, I'm still thinking of your fucking cock.
IAIN - That's the whole point. It's not a fucking cock.
Daisy forgets one of the few lines they actually have to memorise.
IAIN – You fucking dozy cow.
During Ricky Gervais’ Penis Puppet Theatre
IAIN – Come on Ricky, get your cock out.
Getting ready to change to Buddha, Stars In Their Eyes Style
IAIN – Please, can I be Macy Gray?
Dressed as Buddha
IAIN – I look fucking ridiculous.
After the show, with the gang and Frank Carson standing on the small stage behind where James played
FRANK - I always wonder why women grow a moustache around their vagina, when I can give them a white beard.
ALI G’S ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS DAY MESSAGE (Shown to the audience after the filming of the Christmas Special to record audience laughter)
“If you as switched over from de Queen’s Speech, me understand. She ain’t as fit as she used to be.”
“This year as bin an anus obillius.”
(Not broadcast on TV)
“If e was alive today, e’d [Jesus] probably be dead.”
With Jeffrey Roper…
“Ain’t dat a real coincidence doh, dat e [Jesus] was born actually on Christmas Day? Der are 400 days in a year whatever, de likeliood of im bein born on dat day like is one in one million whatever.”
“Why nowadays, why does Jesus go around wit dem reindeers?”
“What is Ramalamadingdong?”
Standing with a choir…
“One tousand years ago, we were all still monkeys. Now, tanks to somefin called evolution, we is all omosexuals.”
CHOIR – Ding dong merrily on high…
ALI – Did you just say dong?
“Happy Easter.” – Final words of his message.
PERSONAL MEMORABLE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL MOMENTS
Being thoroughly entertained for nearly two and a half hours.
A whole day in London without a care in the world.
Paying £16 to park my car near the studios for the day. Fucking rip-off! My trip in February saw me pay £13.50 for an all day travel card (a train from just north of Luton and as many buses and tubes as I wanted to use).
Getting to meet the gorgeous Daisy Donovan, having my photograph taken with her, getting her autograph, shaking her hand and having a brief chat with her. A real pleasure. Television does not do this young lady justice.
OTHER MOMENTS (Not from the Christmas Special)
Iain getting a North London tattooed fat man to strip to his boxers in the cold of December in a Street Interview on the North-South divide.
Daisy in a skip.
Other Quotes Pages
Series 2
Series 3 page 1
Series 3 page 2
Series 3 page 3
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