Starting off Series 4 is page 1, oddly enough. These shows run from the first show on Tuesday February 15, 2000 to
“Please welcome the man who loves a warm entrance, Mr Iain Lee…”
Tommy Vance introducing the very first show in the fourth series.
“The year 2000 started with a flu epidemic which killed thousands of pensioners, and if the flu didn’t get them, then Dr Shipman did.”
Iain Lee
“How did a bunch of grimy, unshaven foreigners come over here and stuff their faces on free steaks and margheritas at the Hilton then bugger off home and complain our food is shit?”
Paul Garner reporting on the Afghan hostages
“The lezza died. Probably of shock. First time she’d ever been jumped.”
Ricky Gervais on the woman who threw herself in front of the King’s horse in the 1913 Derby (Ricky Gervais’ Social History – Women’s Rights)
IAIN – Our profile should have been entitled ‘Gascoigne – Portrait of a Legend’ and not as we broadcast ‘Gazza – Portrait of a Bell End’.
DAISY – Computer problems led to scripting errors. The word ‘footballer’ was repeatedly replaced by ‘pie-eater’. Goalscoring became pie-eating.
IAIN – And the phrase ‘Delighted the crowd with an inspired touch’ was broadcast as ‘Sat about in his pants shovelling handfuls of pie in his fat mouth til pastry came out of his blobby arse.”
‘Apologising’ to Paul Gascoigne
“A new team to monitor police has been set up called OFCOP. It’s based on a pilot scheme in Manchester called Piss Off Cop.”
Daisy Donovan (News Just In)
“Royal news and Madame Tussauds has unveiled a dummy of Princess Diana wearing a replica of her wedding dress. When the exhibit closes they hope to reuse the waxwork as a candle in the wind.”
Iain (News Just In)
“How do I always get what I want? Unlike my contemporaries, not through munching boardroom cock.”
Daisy (The News Avenger)
“You fucked a monster.”
A voice over to a clip of some calling at Primrose Shipman’s door
IAIN – I got to admit that she does get a bit annoyed when I come home, stumble in drunk, dress up in her sexy lingerie and whisper kinky suggestions in her ear while I stroke her.
DAISY – I don’t know how your girlfriend puts up with you.
IAIN – Not my girlfriend. It’s my alsatian.
“Babe 2: Pig In The City. That turned out to be a documentary by Dawn French.”
Ricky on the race for London Mayor
“[Gerry] Adams refuses Mandelson’s demands. Mandelson sdays ‘Alright then, no tongues’.”
Iain (News Just In)
“It seems anyone who’s anyone is being followed by a dribbling nutcase. Martine McCutcheon’s got one, Anna Ford’s got one and of course Richard has Judy.”
Daisy on stalking
IAIN – You’re a fan if.
DAISY – You follow your idol’s career with interest. You’re a fanatic if.
IAIN – You follow your idol with an axe.
DAISY – How many pints can you drink before you feel ill?
IAIN – Ah, that depends. Alcohol or semen?
DAISY – Alcohol.
IAIN – I don’t drink alcohol.
DAISY (acting drunk) – Does drinking make you more aggressive?
MIDDLE AGED BALDING BUSINESS MAN – Probably.
DAISY – What? I can’t hear.
MAN – Probably.
DAISY – Er, could you speak louder or are you just making my life difficult?
MAN – PROBABLY.
DAISY – DON’T FUCKING SHOUT AT ME.
Street interview on women drinking
“At least you’d know he didn’t have a gun.”
Ben Miller on if Gerry Adams was nude
“A Hollywood leading man can have sex with movie stars, but the President can have sex with movie stars AND start wars. Look at John F Kennedy. He was fucking Marilyn Monroe and the Vietnamese at the same time.”
Eddie Brill on the US Presidential elections
“Hospital germs kill five thousand. Top that Shipman.”
Tommy Vance
“If you’re listening Tony, roll me a fat one, and I don’t mean John Prescott.”
Iain on Tony Blair and drugs (Headlines)
“A thirteen year old Nottingham girl who was given a mobile phone by her school because of bullying says she intends to take full advantage of BT’s No Friends and Family.”
Iain (Headlines)
“An expert has claimed that the Internet turns people into socially inept losers. As the Spokesman for the Internet Users Association responded he blushed, looked at his feet, cleared his throat and popped into his bedroom for a wank.”
Daisy (Headlines)
“It’s unlikely anyone will forget the ugly scenes at Manchester United.”
Cut to a photo of Paul Scholes in action with his pee wee out of his shorts.
Alex Lowe
DAISY – You have a lady, but you don’t like ladies…
JAMES WHITTAKER – I would sort of go down that line yes.
Talking about Prince Edward and Sophie Rhys-Jones (Studio Interview)
PETER PIPER – You know that Fat Boy Slim?
NORMAN COOK (AKA FAT BOY SLIM) – Yeah…
PETER – Well he came up to me and he said, honestly Peter, he said, you’re the best DJ I’ve ever seen in my entire life…
[Later] You know that hit, Right Here, Right Now? I gave him that.
NORMAN – Really? You want to sue him.
PETER – No, no. I gave it him as a favour.
Peter Piper Talks To The Famous
“On my 18th birthday I only had two lovers to choose between. Left and right!”
Iain talking about Prince William being spoilt for choice
“Following the robbery, local police say they are looking for someone who looks a right daft twat.”
Daisy on Jean-Paul Gautier’s stolen clothes
“He [Alex Ferguson] got cross and I got scared and I weed my sarong.”
Iain in a soft voice, reading from David Beckham’s ‘diary’
“Come on… Don’t be a c[cut]”
Alex’s many ‘charity appeals’
OTHER MOMENTS
The Dr Shipman Snuff-o-Meter.
Iain in a pale blue baby costume in a street interview.
Drunk Daisy round off the women drinking street interview slurring her words holding a 40mph sign under one arm with a traffic cone on her head.
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