Chapter Seven: Letting Go
the park Picture-perfect. That was the phrase that crossed the minds of several people who passed them in the park, with smiles on their faces. It was almost impossible to look at them and not smile; the three of them looked like an illustration for the perfect family, the man in a white shirt, his dimples flashing as he smiled at the baby, the woman in a loosely fitting sea-green dress, her long blonde hair tousled by the wind, the baby girl obviously theirs -- with her father's dimples and her mother's liquid brown eyes. Picture-perfect -- if one ignored the tension boiling beneath the surface.
Sonny reached out a hand, smoothing his daughter's hair gently, then looked over at Carly with what passed for a smile between the two of them. "So many changes," he said, quietly. "I never would have thought she'd grow so quickly, but when I don't see her everyday, there's so many new things. So many things I've missed."
Carly looked down, feeling vaguely guilty and irritated at being made to feel that way. "Yeah, well, I feel the same way, okay, Sonny? It's not like we don't share custody; you spend exactly the same amount of time with Ginia as I do," she said, stinging from the implied criticism. "So don't try to make me feel guilty, Sonny."
"That's not what I meant, sweetheart, and you know it," Sonny snapped back, then took a deep breath, as Carly picked up Ginia, not wanting her to hear her parents argue, then rolled over on her back with their daughter in her arms, smiling up at her as she giggled down at her mother. Sonny's eyes softened, and he started to reach out a hand to touch Carly's shoulder then dropped it, unseen. He let his breath out, his voice considerably gentler. "I just meant that -- I miss her. Not your fault, not mine, but I miss seeing our daughter every morning, wakin' up to her voice on the monitor. I miss -- a lot of things. That's all I meant, Carly."
Carly was quiet a long moment, then she sat up, disentangling her daughter's fist from her hair, and placing her gently on the blanket on which she and Sonny were both sitting. "I know," she said quietly, not looking at him. "I miss it too. Ginia, I mean," she looked up quickly, then back down again. "This is good though, you know? You, me, together and tryin' to get along for her sake. I think it helps her; she's less confused this way. Thanks for meeting me, today." Carly had called him this morning, deciding it was time to break the silence between them, for their daughter's sake, if nothing else.
"Thanks for callin' me." Sonny sat a moment longer, laughing as his daughter started to use him as her own personal jungle gym. He picked her up, and she crowed, patting his face with her small hands. Sonny kissed her forehead, both her cheeks and the top of her head tenderly, before handing her back to her mother. Carly looked up at him questioningly as he rose to a crouch. "I've gotta go," he said, reluctance in his tone. "Got a meeting," Sonny added, by way of explanation.
Carly busied herself slipping on one of Ginia's socks that had come loose. "With Alexis?" she asked, trying for nonchalance in her tone and failing miserably. She lifted her eyes to Sonny's slowly, measuringly, her gaze opaque.
Sonny was silent; he hadn't been prepared for this. Wasn't sure he'd ever have been prepared for this. "Yes," he said, finally. "Carly, I didn't mean to--" He broke off as she held up a single hand.
"It's okay, Sonny," Carly said, bending her head over Ginia's, her hair hiding her face, and the fierce jealousy in her eyes. "You don't owe me any explanations; we're not married anymore, remember? We'll see you when you pick Ginia up this weekend."
Sonny paused before rising, and Carly, her face still turned away, missed the expression that crossed his face at her words 'we're not married anymore'. He stood up, as it became obvious that their conversation, or what passed for one between them, was over. "See you," was all he said, before walking away.
Carly refused to look up and watch him; she started packing up the baby toys spread haphazardly across the blanket, and so didn't see the man who walked up behind her, stopping at the edge of the blanket.
"He loves you, Carly," the man said, doing what Carly couldn't, wouldn't -- watching Sonny walk away.
Carly froze at the first sound of his voice, then relaxed as he continued. She didn't bother to turn around; she knew who it was without looking up. Would have known this particular voice anywhere, anywhen in her life. "So what?" she said, her eyes trained fiercely on her daughter. "Sometimes love just isn't enough, Jase. If anyone should know that, it's you. You and I, I thought we both figured that one out a long time ago."
~*~ Carly opened the door, laughter on her face, fully intending to tease her husband about him leaving the house, then turning around and coming right back home. Her face froze as she faced the man in the doorway, the man who was certainly not her husband, but who, once upon a time, she had wanted more than any other man on this earth. "Jason," Carly whispered, her hand flying to her throat. After a short, silent moment, in which a thousand conversations began and died in the meeting of their eyes, Carly's eyes narrowed, and she folded her arms. "What do you want, Jase? Why are you here, this time? I thought you told me, last time you dropped back into my life, that you were never coming back again."
Jason gazed at her, not exactly impassively. "I don't know," he said finally. "I don't know why I'm here. All I know is I can't figure out how to stay away."
Carly looked at Johnny quickly, then grabbed Jason's arm, pulling him quickly into the penthouse and closing the door. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she snapped. "Last time you were here, right after I got married, you showed up here, and told me not to tell Sonny, that you were never coming home again, you just had to say goodbye, for real. And, I kept your stupid secret from my husband, because I thought you meant what you said, Jason, that this was over, forever. I put you behind me, finally," she stepped away from him as he took a step towards her. "No," Carly shook her head, "don't do this again. Don't keep makin' me choose who's loyalty to break, 'cause this time, you aren't gonna like the choice I make. You walked away, Jason; you made that call. Live with it."
Jason looked at Carly, his face still. "I never stopped," he said, finally, his voice low, locking his eyes with hers.
Carly froze in place, staring at him. "What?" she whispered. "You were the one who said, on more than one occasion, Jase, that you couldn't be the man I wanted you to be, that you couldn't love me and stay who you were. You said that to me, over and over and over again," Carly's voice began to rise. "And, what are you sayin' now? That you still love me??"
"Yes," Jason's voice was almost like an explosion in the room. "I love you. I said that I couldn't; I never said I didn't."
Carly was silent a long, long moment, then slowly, softly, she began to laugh. She looked at him, shaking her head. "Irony, Jase. You never did get that one, did you? Lemmee tell you; this is it. You told me for so long that we'd never be together, you and I. That we couldn't happen. And," she shrugged, meeting his eyes, her own very clear, "I finally believed you. I moved on and made a life with someone else. You may not have stopped, but," her voice suddenly became very gentle, "I have. I'll always love you, Jase, but I'm not in love with you," she said, knowing it was true only as she said it. "You figured out it couldn't work first; I figured out how to stop first. Sooner or later," Carly took a step towards the first man she'd ever truly loved, lifting her hand gently to his cheek, "so will you."
Jason returned Carly's gaze, his own steadfast. And, though he wasn't versed in subtlety, the message in her eyes was clear -- good-bye. He closed his eyes a long moment, trying to readjust his world; in a way, he'd always thought that when he was ready, if he was ready, Carly would be waiting for him, when he came home. Thing was, Carly's life hadn't stopped just because he wasn't in it anymore. And, there was no one to blame for that one but himself. Jason sighed, then lifted his hand to cover Carly's on his cheek. He looked into her eyes a long, timeless moment, then dropped his lips lightly, pressing them against hers in a long, chaste kiss that both of them knew was the last they'd ever share.
It wasn't until both Carly's hands had slipped up to cup Jason's cheeks that Sonny walked in. ~*~
Carly stood up, Ginia safe on her hip, and brushed her dress off lightly, still not turning to face Jason. "If anyone should know that love doesn't always mean forever, it's you and me, Jase." She turned around towards him, finally, her eyes shadowed. "That 'love conquers all' crap, that's a fairy-tale, Jason. Thought you didn't believe in those."
He shook his head once. "I don't," Jason said simply. "But I do know that you make things a lot more complicated than they are, Carly. So does Sonny." He shrugged. "Especially when it's something that shouldn't be complicated at all."
"You know what, Jase? Give me this great speech again when you actually know what you're talkin' about," Carly snapped, a lot shorter with him than his comments warranted. She was about to add more, when someone tapped Jason on the shoulder, and he turned around. His face lit up as he saw Lark, and she threw her arms around his neck, kissing him soundly on the lips. Carly turned slightly, just enough to see Jason's face. "Or maybe you do know what you're talking about, after all," she said, quietly, aware that no one was listening to her speak other than her ten month old daughter. She cleared her throat loudly, picking up the blanket and Ginia's baby bag. "I've gotta go; I have a dinner date," Carly announced, as Jason and Lark turned to face her after detaching from one another, his arm still loosely about Lark's waist. "Bye Jason, thanks for the advice," Carly said, softly, standing on her toes to press a kiss on Jason's cheek, a little part of her enjoying the sudden flash of jealously in Lark's eyes, just -- because. "Lark," she said, cordially, nodding. She actually liked the other girl, kind of. But, it didn't mean she was above pushing her buttons, every once in a while. Jason had been hers first; Carly had always had a hard time sharing her toys.
"Carly," Lark said, in exactly the same tone, slipping her arm through Jason's and leaning against him possessively.
Carly turned to leave, pausing to look at Lark, then Jason. "Hold onto what you have," she said, quietly. "Enjoy the moment. Cause, believe me, you never know when it's gonna explode in your face." She held their gazes a moment longer, then turned and walked away, not looking back.
the PCPD
Alexis scanned the empty office from the doorway, then strode in, laying a manila folder on the Commissioner's desk. She was just turning to leave, when the sound of a voice in the doorway made her jump.
"Can I help you with something, Counselor?" Marcus Taggert entered his office, eying Alexis Davis curiously.
Alexis faced him, her hand at her throat. "Try attaching a bell and collar to your throat; you nearly scared me to death," she shook her head with a small smile. "I was just dropping off the paperwork from the McDougall case on your desk. It's fairly straightforward, nothing that requires more than a quick glance on your part."
"Which means, translating from Cassadine-ese into English, I'll be reading these all night," he said with a quick laugh, moving around her to his desk. He picked up the folder, flipping through it with a silent groan, then dropped it on top of the other pile of 'to-do's that came along with the title 'Commissioner'. One of the papers in the pile caught his eye, and he picked it up, then grinned at Alexis. "So, Ms. Davis, you're on the list of performers at this year's Nurse's Ball, huh? How much did Lucy Coe have to pay you to get you do that one?"
"Not enough," Alexis said, dryly. She rolled her eyes, sighing deeply. "As hospital co-counsel and Lucy's sister-in-law, I couldn't find a way out of this one, though I notice you did," she shot Marcus a dirty look. "But, Lucy promised me no singing and a minimum of anything else, so I guess I should count my blessings."
"Wanna get kicked out of performing in the Ball?" Taggert grinned wickedly at Alexis. "Try arresting her husband a couple dozen times; it works like a charm."
Alexis laughed, a trifle guiltily. "So that's why you're always dragging my brother down here," she shook her head. "Ulterior motives, Commissioner; there's got to be some statute or the other I can throw at you next time you get it in your head to arrest Stefan for whatever unsolved crime the PCPD turns up next," she lifted her eyebrow at him; Alexis liked Taggert as Commissioner, even if he was a pain in both Stefan's and Sonny's rears. He was a lot more fun to play with than Mac had ever been.
Marcus Taggert laughed, still grinning as Alexis tipped an imaginary hat towards him, and headed towards the door. He called out to her, as her hand found the doorknob, his grin fading as he remembered something Carly had mentioned the other day. "Ms. Davis," she turned and he paused, not sure how to broach this, "defending Stefan Cassadine is one thing; at least most of the time, there's some question as to whether or not he's guilty of whatever he's accused of. But, defending Sonny Corinthos," he looked at her, his gaze entirely serious, "that's something else altogether."
Alexis stilled completely, her face frozen. Her eyes flared at Taggert, as her heart started to beat a little faster. Whatever was going on with her and Sonny was still so -- new and unnamed by both of them; she wasn't ready to defend it yet. "That sounds a lot like a warning, Taggert," Alexis said slowly, dropping his title deliberately. "Is there something you know about my client, Mr. Corinthos, that I don't? Because if you're withholding information--"
"I'm not withholding anything, Counselor," Taggert said, quietly. "I heard that your -- relationship with Sonny," his mouth twisted as he said the other man's name, "was something more than professional. Look, I know that I don't have any right to give you advice, especially about your personal life," he spread his hands, feeling acutely uncomfortable under her sharp gaze, but plunging on, nonetheless. "But, with Corinthos, personal lives have a way of getting real public, real fast. People die around him, Alexis. His casualty list is longer than your date book," Taggert said flatly.
Alexis stepped forward, placing both palms on Taggert's desk and leaning forward, frost and fire in her eyes. "You're right about exactly one thing, Commissioner; my personal life is none of your business. This conversation, if one can even call it that," she bit out, "is so beyond inappropriate, I'm tempted to find something in it I can sue the department for, just on principle."
"I wasn't speaking as the Commissioner, Ms. Davis, and you know it," Taggert shot back, his own quick temper rising. "Just as a man who hates seeing smart women make stupid choices around Sonny Corinthos. He's not worth it; he's not worth what a relationship with him could do to your professional life, and he's no where near worth dyin' for," Taggert said intently. "And, here's something else for you to think about -- would you be getting so mad at me right now, if a little part of you didn't know that what I was saying was true?"
Alexis didn't bother to answer him; she just gathered her briefcase, and her purse, and stormed out of Taggert's office, almost, but not quite slamming the door behind her. Once she'd rounded the corner, away from curious eyes, Alexis closed her eyes, leaning hard against the wall. ..would you be getting so mad at me right now, if a little part of you didn't know that what I was saying was true?? After a long moment, she pressed her chilled hand against her hot face, shook her head once, and pushed away from the wall, walking quickly out of the station.
the Spencer home
Emily knocked tentatively on the screen door, peering into the house. "Lucky," she called, "you home?" She knocked again, waited, and was digging a piece of scrap paper out of her pocket to scribble a note, when the screen swung upon.
"Sorry, darlin'," Luke Spencer stepped out onto the porch smiling at Emily, around his unlit cigar. "The cowboy's not home; it's just me."
Emily smiled up at Luke. "You're never 'just' anything, Mr. Spencer," she grinned. "I'm sorry to bother you; I just wanted to drop this off for Lucky," Emily held up an old, battered copy of Alice's Adventures Through the Looking Glass. "I promised Lucky he could borrow it; I thought, you know, he might find some things in common with my old friend, Alice."
"Luke, sweetheart, call me Luke, please. I like to preserve the illusion that I'm not older than dirt. Indulge me," he sat down on the steps, and Emily sat comfortably beside him, holding out the book to Luke when he reached out his hand for it. "Ol' Alice, huh? Yeah, I can see how she and my kid might have a few things to talk about," he sighed, then looked up from the book and at her. "You've been a good friend to my son these past few weeks, Emily," Luke said softly.
Emily shook her head. "Lucky's been a good friend to me, Luke. For a very long time. We're just picking up where we left off when he -- went away," she sat quietly, companionably for a moment, then turned to Luke. "I should probably go; I just wanted to drop off the book. Tell Lucky I'll see him later?"
Luke nodded. "I will; you can be sure of it. You're good for him, darlin'. When my boy's comes back from bein' with you, there aren't any secrets hidin' in his eyes, nothing haunting him. Thank you for that," Luke put the book down, leaning forward, his eyes fixed on something faraway. "For a long while, his mother and I thought Lucky's eyes would never be clear again. When he's with you, they are. That's a real good thing, sweetheart."
Emily looked at Luke. "Lucky's my best friend in the world, Luke," she said simply. "Anything he needs from me, I'll be there. Although if he asks me to babysit Foster again," she grinned, "I may be temporarily unavailable. My roommate has already threatened me with several creative and unusual methods of putting me to death for what Foster did to four different pairs of her shoes."
Luke laughed. "Skillethead strikes again," he chortled, and shook his head. "I can see why my boy enjoys your company so much," he said to Emily. "I could listen to you laugh all day, darlin'. Why don't you stick around a while? I'm sure Lucky'll turn up soon."
Emily shook her head. "I wish I could, but I have a family dinner to get to. My parents go a little insane if I don't check in every now and then." She stood up, hesitated, then bent down to kiss Luke lightly on the cheek.
"Oh, god," Carly drawled, stepping out on the porch from inside the house. She had come in through the kitchen a moment earlier; she, Bobbie and company were having dinner at the Spencer compound tonight. "Why is it every time I see you, you've got your arms around some woman?" Carly demanded, prodding Luke with a foot. "Hi Emily," she said, neutrally. While she and Emily would never be friends, a lot of the rancor had gone out of their relationship about the same time she and AJ had actually started acting like co-parents, instead of immature teenagers.
"Hey Carly," Emily said, straightening up. Emily smiled at the baby in Carly's arms. "Hey there you," she said, then looked back at Luke. "I'll see you later, Luke. Thanks for the talk."
Carly watched her go with a lifted eyebrow, then turned back to her uncle. "How come you never hug me like that?" she asked petulantly. "I'm your favorite niece, Luke."
"You're my only niece, Caroline," he retorted, standing up. "And, you still haven't made the top ten list on my all-time favorite niece list, baby doll." Luke looked at Carly. "Besides, you never bring me presents. You just show up."
"And that, dear uncle," Carly smiled, saccharine-sweetly at him, "should be present enough." She batted her eyes at him as he groaned. "Besides, I may actually let you change Ginia's diaper. If you're very, very good," Carly grinned at him, placing her daughter firmly in his arms. "That's at least worth a hug."
"It's worth somethin'," Luke muttered, as Carly went back into the house, leaving him with a happy, and very stinky, Ginia. She burbled up at him, and he looked down at her, then called after Carly. "Just wait, Caroline! When the kid ends up with a diaper on her head, it's gonna be your fault!"
Mt. Hebron
He wasn't quite sure why he was here; he hadn't been back here since he'd exchanged vows with Elizabeth -- which felt like, and might as well have been, a lifetime ago. Especially since everytime he walked into this place, all he could see was her face -- and the one moment he saw over and over again, when he thought of her, was the last one. When he'd walked in on her and his brother in what had been a more than intimate moment.
Lucky shook his head; he hadn't come here to dwell on the ways his relationship with Elizabeth had made him hurt. He looked at the altar once, then slid down to his knees, trying to recapture the thing he'd once felt here. Lucky shut his eyes, letting his head drop to the back of the pew in front of him. It had been so easy to feel God once. Of course, that had been when he'd had the luxury of believing in Him/Her/Whatever.
He began to speak, his voice little more than a whisper, not knowing whether he was speaking to the God that he wasn't sure he still had faith in or the ghosts from his past that were stronger here than anywhere else. "I'm not sure why I'm here," Lucky whispered softly, his eyes closed. "I'm not sure of much anymore, though, so I guess that's nothin' new." Lucky was quiet a moment, then he continued, his voice slightly stronger. "One thing I do know, though, is that I have to find a way to live here, in the present. The past -- I can't go back. I don't want to. Only thing is, I keep findin' myself trapped there."
"More than anything, I want to let go, to -- find the way, finally, all the way out of that cage they kept me in. Because a part of me," Lucky's voice was raw with emotion, "is still back there, in that room. And, it won't be free until all the ghosts runnin' around in my head find peace. Until I find a way to let them go, let them stop having the power to hurt me." Lucky fingered something in his pocket, then continued. "So, I guess, more than anything, that's what I'm doin' here. Asking for strength, to let go. Not because Helena programmed me to, but because I want to. Because the only way that's left for me to live is walking forward, not looking back."
He was silent a long, long time, and when Lucky finally stood up, he drew the object he had been fingering out of his pocket, letting the subway medallion slide to the bottom of the chain as it dangled from his fingers. Lucky looked at it, feeling it's cool weight in his hand, then walked forward, laying it gently on the altar at the front of the sanctuary. "Good-bye," he whispered softly. "I wish you happiness, Elizabeth." Lucky turned around slowly, and walked out of the church, never looking back once.
couple of weeks later
