Chapter Two: No Matter How Far You Go, There You Are
Todd walked slowly down the stairs, knowing he was going to have to face questions from Blair, the one person on this earth who could always see through his lies. He didn't know if he was ready for that; he didn't know if he'd ever be ready. But when he had decided to come back to Llanview, he had also decided one other thing. He wasn't running anymore, not even from himself. He continued walking down the stairs, and stopped on the bottom step, arrested by Blair's voice.
"What did you mean, Todd?" she asked, not lifting her head to look at him, still on the couch where he had left her to go see his daughter. "When you said you had to leave Starr to keep her safe, what did you mean?"
Todd froze for a moment, then deliberately walked across the room and sat down at the desk before answering her. "I don't know, Blair; it was just something I said, okay?"
"No, Todd, not okay! You can't just waltz in here, say things like that and drop the subject," she retorted, her head snapping up. "Tell me what you meant!"
"Blair. . .," Todd's voice trailed off, and he leaned back against the chair. When he opened his mouth to speak again, his voice was quiet, halting. "When I left town, I was -- pretty messed up. Not because of the wacko five faces of Todd stuff, you know about that, but something else. I don't know exactly what it was even now; it was just like I had been pretending to be all these people that I wasn't for so long, I didn't even know who I was anymore."
Todd was silent a moment, while Blair considered what he had just said. For some reason, she didn't think he was referring to the DID when he talked about pretending. "What do you mean 'pretending', Todd?" she asked.
"You know what I mean, Blair; you were doing the same thing for Sam." She started to retort angrily then saw that he wasn't trying to hurt her, he was just making a point. She made a slight gesture with her head, neither a nod or a negation, and he went on. "It was like all these people wanted me to be somebody else for so long: Téa, Sam, Viki. And the whole time, there was this, this thing inside of me that was me, the real me, that I couldn't show, couldn't let out. They were all telling me that I had to let that go, way before the whole DID crap, and so I tried, but I couldn't. I just felt more and more trapped, and pulled in like twenty billion different directions, and there was still this thing inside me that was getting desperate to get out." His eyes focused on Blair's face. "I couldn't show that part of me to anyone except. . ." He trailed off again. After a moment, he cleared his throat and continued. "And then everything blew up, and I knew that if I stayed in this town and tried to be who they wanted me to be any longer, I would blow up too. And knowing me, if I did that, I'd hurt everyone within a ten mile radius of me. I couldn't hurt Shorty, Blair; I swore that a long time ago. And I would have."
She sat back against the sofa cushions trying to absorb what her ex-husband had just told her, tears involuntarily pooling in her eyes. Even when she was furious with him, which she still was, she told herself, this man had the power to get to her every time. By now, she had almost stopped questioning why. "So, where did you go?" Blair asked softly.
Todd rose and crossed to the penthouse windows, looking out into the night. The stars looked cold and far away, and the moonless night matched his mood. "Europe. I traveled around, just staying in one place for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, then moving on. Viki told me I needed to 'find myself', and maybe I was trying to do that, I don't know. I guess what I was really doing was just -- running."
"It's what you do best, Todd, always has been," she answered, somewhat sharply.
He turned to look at her. "Yeah, but I always come back, don't I?"
"Like a bad penny," she muttered, standing up to face him, looking him full in the eyes. "You ran, Todd, and left me standing here to fix all your messes, and take your blame. You weaseled out of your mistakes, like always, Todd, and like always, I end up being the fall guy."
"Yeah, well," he said, looking around the penthouse, "looks like you landed on your feet, like always."
"After months of hell, Todd!" Blair's eyes began to flash fire. "Since you weren't around for people to shun, guess who got all the nasty looks and cold shoulders? Yep, good old Blair, your co-conspiritor, that's who!"
Todd lifted his eyebrow. "Since when do you care about what people think?"
"That's not the point! When you left, trying to go 'find yourself', you left chaos here behind you, and you left me here to deal with it!"
Todd looked at her, then cracked a humorless smile. "I'm Todd Manning, Blair. That's what I do." She turned away with a frustrated sigh, and he reached out to catch her arm. As Blair turned back to face him, he dropped her arm. "Look, Blair, I, I know that I left you with a lot okay? But, I'm back now. Might be a little late, but you know I hate to wear a watch."
"You're back, hmm? For how long this time?" Blair folded her arms and glared at Todd. "And why exactly are you back anyway? What's Llanview got to offer you, Todd? Another shot at taking away my daughter?"
"No. I mean, yeah, I came back for Shorty, but that's not the whole reason why I came here." He ran his fingers through his hair, walking past Blair. "I don't--I don't know about this finding myself crap, but the whole time I was away, everytime I started to think about who I was and what I wanted, all I could see in my head was here. This stupid little town--Llanview," he spit out, as if he had had a bad bite of food. "I hate this town but it's where I know who I am, the only place that I don't feel like I'm someone else inside my skin. I guess when I started looking for myself I should've looked here first. In my town, my--home."
"Your town, huh? And you've come back to claim it?" she asked sardonically.
He shrugged. "Something like that." He glanced at the clock on the desk, now flashing 12:54. "Whoa. Didn't know it was that late. I guess I better get out of here, find a place to crash for the night," he said, turning to leave.
Todd had reached the door when Blair, not knowing exactly why, called out. "Todd, wait!" He turned around, a surprised look on his face. Blair gestured at the couch, the words coming out of her mouth almost without volition. "You could crash on the couch, if you want. I mean," she continued on, nonchalantly, "it's late; the Palace is probably all filled up tonight by now, and there's nothing else that'll be open except for some seedy motel. Just for tonight, you could stay here."
Todd looked at Blair for a long, silent moment, then dropped his coat back on the chair from which he had picked it up. "Thanks," he said softly.
"Yeah," Blair answered. She stood for a moment, then turned to the stairs, saying, "You know where the blankets and such are; I haven't moved them."
"Yeah, I know where they are. 'Night, Blair."
"Good-night, Todd," she answered softly, looking into Todd Manning's eyes. With a last glance at him, she turned and slipped quickly up the stairs, leaving Todd standing in the middle of the dark penthouse.
He remained standing, looking around, not sure what he was looking for, just looking. Finally, he sat down on the couch, staring into the empty fireplace. "Welcome home, Todd," he said softly, into the darkness.
