Chapter Nine: Past, Present, Future
the penthouse, later that evening
Todd opened the unlocked door of the penthouse, calling out as he walked in. "Blair? Shorty, you home?"
Blair walked slowly out of the kitchen, an uncharacteristically nervous expression on her face. "Starr's not here, Todd; I sent her to Viki's to spend the night," she said, rearranging two of the cushions on the couch.
"Okay," he said, warily. "I thought I was gonna have dinner with her, Blair; what am I doin' here if Shorty's at my sister's place?"
Blair sat down on the couch she had just been fidgeting with, choosing her next words with care. "I wanted to see you, Todd. Alone. I, there's been something going on between us, since you've been back, and I thought we should -- talk about it."
After a long moment of stunned silence, Todd groaned. "I'm not good at 'talking', Blair. Neither of us are; talking about stuff only screws things up for me. It always has."
"I remember one time when it didn't," she answered him softly.
He sat down heavily in the leather chair across from the couch. "So we had one good conversation a hundred years ago on a plane." He gestured widely, "Look where it got us, Blair!"
She leaned forward, looking at him, her hands tightly clenched in her lap. "It got us married, Todd!" A soft smile appeared on Blair's face for a moment, "And happy, so happy for a while."
"Wrong, Blair!" Todd retorted. "It got us here! Face it," he rose, pacing in front of the fireplace, then looking at her, "neither of us are good at 'happy', okay? I'm so-called happy and what comes next? I die, and then come home to find my wife rolling around on the floor with her lover!"
Blair sat back, her mouth twisted into a rictus of pain. "My God, Todd, I cannot believe you just said that!" She rose and strode over to him as he turned his back on her. "Look at me. Look at me," she demanded and he slowly turned to face her. Her eyes were blazing, as she caught his eyes with her gaze and defied him to turn away. "I want you to listen to me, really listen to me. If you can't," she shook her head, tears filling her eyes, "Oh, Todd, if you can't finally hear me, then there's no point in this and there never was." He made a gesture, not quite of aquiesance, but she took it as one. Blair drew in a breath, closing her eyes, then opened them, speaking precisely and slowly. "I thought that you were dead. No," she shook her head, "more than that, I knew you were dead. And, I knew that I would never be whole again. You know, I almost hated you then. Not just for leaving me, but for even coming into my life in the first place." She dropped her hands, and walked over to the stairway, leaning against the railing and looking out the window at the deepening shadows. "The loneliness is a lot easier to bear if you've never known what it is not to be alone. But when I lost you," her voice faded to a whisper, "I knew exactly what it was I had lost, and it hurt so bad, Todd." He made a half-step towards her, moved, as always by her pain, but stopped before she turned around, held still by the expression on her face. "I just wanted--I needed to lose myself in something, in someone, even if it was only a transitory illusion for a single night. I never loved Patrick, Todd," she enunciated each word with precision and her heart, "I just-- He was comfort, and shelter from the storm. Can't you understand that, Todd? Haven't you ever wanted someone just to hold you tight and make everything else go away?" Blair held out her hands to him, pleading with him one last time to understand this and find a way to get past it. For her sake, for his, and for theirs.
Todd was silent for a long space of time, his eyes never leaving her tear-filled green ones, his breath held before he let it out in a long shuddering sigh, letting more go than just a breath. "Yeah." Blair closed her eyes, two single tears spilling over her cheeks as he continued. "Yeah, maybe I can. I've been alone all of my life Blair, except for when--" He jerked his head in her direction. "And then, when you weren't around anymore, for whatever reason, Téa--" Todd broke off again, this time dropping his eyes, while Blair's head snapped up and her eyes began to blaze.
"No, Todd, don't stop. I want to hear all about -- Téa," she said silkily, her hands rising to her hips.
It was Todd's turn to fidget as he ran his hand over the mantelpiece, shifting his weight and running his other hand through his hair nervously. Slowly, he became still. "I saw her this morning," he said quietly.
"And?"
"And nothing. And we talked, okay?," Todd snapped back, suddenly feeling defensive. "Téa and I, we had some unfinished business."
"Oh, well," Blair strolled over towards him, her hands now crossed across her chest, "I'm so glad that you and little Miss Téa, Mrs. Reverend now, remember, could get your 'business' straightened out."
"Come on, Blair! You're the one who wanted me to be all understanding about Poetry Boy and I'm telling you that I understand, okay? I've been there, with Téa!"
"Oh, no," Blair protested, shaking her head, "Patrick and Téa were nothing alike!"
Todd shrugged pretending to consider it. "I don't know; they both talk kinda funny, have pretty bad hair, this weird obsession with fire or blowing stuff up--"
"Shut up, Todd," Blair interrupted. She pointed over to the door, "Patrick is dead! He died right there, saving your life and our daughter's, or did you forget that little tidbit!?" She strode angrily across the room then whirled to face him. "And there is one really big difference between me and Patrick and you and Téa. When I turned to Patrick, you were gone, dead. I had lost you. But, you and Téa, that happened when I was unconscious and in a coma. You never lost me; you threw me away so you could steal my baby from me, when you knew, better than anyone, how much I loved and needed my daughter and how much she loved and needed me!"
"What was I supposed to do, Blair? Dorian was breathing down my back, and threatening to take my kid away!" He shouted back. There was a moment of tense silence, while they both stared at one another, then Todd took a step back, his attitude relenting. "Look, I'm -- I acted too quickly. You are -- a good mother. I know that, hell, I knew it then. But, Blair, it was the best I could come up with. I fell in love with my daughter, and I just wanted to keep her with me. I didn't know what would happen with you, no one did, and the thought of my kid being raised by a woman who would rather see Starr raised by wolves than let me near my daughter wasn't something I could handle. So," he shrugged, "I did what I had to do. Things didn't exactly go as planned."
"They almost never do. You'd think you would have learned that by now. But, you know," she said quietly, "I can almost understand what you did. Because I know what it is to love Starr. And, I know what you're like when you love someone. Because you loved me once. And, oh, Todd, it was something." She closed her eyes, her face smooth, lost in memories for a long moment before opening them and turning the full force of her green eyes on her ex-husband. "This isn't the way I planned things to go either. So, I'm going to just tell you what I asked you here to tell you tonight because I am sick of pretending to be one thing when I'm really something else and hiding how I feel all the time. Here goes: I loved you, Todd. And -- I still do. I still have all these feelings when I look at you. You were the one great love of my life, Todd; I even told Sam Rappaport that once upon a time. I love you."
Todd remained still as he spoke almost in a whisper, his face almost expressionless if one ignored the emotions blazing in his hazel eyes. "Blair, I've traveled across the world and back for what feels like a thousand years. Looking for -- who the hell knows? Myself, maybe. All I know is that the first time I felt like I might be close to what I was looking for was two weeks ago, when I walked through that door and saw you and my kid. Our kid. Blair, your eyes -- I see them in my dreams, staring at me, angry, happy, whatever. They're just always there. God, this is as hard to say as it was the first time, but -- Look, I don't know anything about love, but this, what I feel, it's-- I love you, Blair," he almost mumbled, his voice indistinct but his eyes and his heart crystal clear.
She smiled, almost sadly, the tears starting to flow. "Love, love was never our problem, was it? We always had that, so much we almost burned with it sometimes." Her eyes grew heavy with remembered nights and she almost physically pulled herself back to the present. "Trust and honesty, though, those we never quite got right. Except for one brief shining moment, gone before it ever really existed."
Todd reached out, tentatively touching the side of her cheek with a finger, still whispering. "What if we did get it right? I mean, what if we could have all the trust and honesty stuff, too, this time? I've changed, Blair. Or maybe I've come full circle, I don't know. But, there's no secrets, nothing hidden. What you see is what you get. It's not much, Blair, never was. But, if you want it, if you want me, despite all the junk I'm trailing around, all you have to do is -- trust me."
Blair lifted her hands, slowly and wordlessly placing them on either side of his face, running one thumb over his scar, before standing on her toes, and lifting her mouth to his. Their lips met, at first tenderly, but slowly with growing passion as his hands found her waist, pressing her hard against him, her body molded to his, as perfect a fit as it had always been. She drew back, breathless, one hand still caressing his cheek, the other at the back of his neck. "What was that?" murmured Todd, his face somewhat dazed.
"A beginning," Blair answered, a small smile playing about her lips. She lay a hand on the middle of his chest, almost with regret. "And, for tonight, an end. I want things to work out this time, Todd; third time's the charm, you know. Maybe, for once," she ran her hand across his chest and down his arm, "we'll finally get it right."
"When you say that," Todd said, "I can almost believe it. So, Ms. Daimler, what next?"
"What's next is you pick me up and we'll go on a date. It worked for us once, remember?" She laughed as she responded to his dubious look. "This Friday night, Todd. It'll be a night to remember, I promise. Trust me," she smiled, playfully.
"I do," he said simply, heading for the door. He turned back before leaving, "Hey, you still got that red dress?" She nodded. "Wear that one," he stated, his eyes sparkling before he left, closing the door behind him, everything, once again, ahead for Todd and Blair.
