The sun has no right to shine so brightly today. . .not today. Not with you gone from me. It should be raining--the sky should be weeping at the loss of your grace from this earth. I don't know how I can manage this ceremony; my heart is shattered. The sermons, the eulogies, the slow procession--the fade into an endless nightmare, eclipsed by the cruel reality: you're gone.
They lower you into the earth--I can't stand this, but I must be strong. I must, if only for the others. Dirt, powdery smooth and sweet smelling, trembles in my hand. One meagre portion of earth that will end a lifetime of love.
As the first handful of dirt slides out of my shaking hand and falls softly upon the wood, memories flow through my head. The crash--our first meeting--how were we to ever know what the future held for us? It was memorable, that was sure enough. Even then, fate was drawing us together, if not in the way we wanted or expected. . .the tango at the party--you moved like poetry, elegant, controlled. I've never danced with anyone like that. I've never met anyone who could dance like
that.
Then as we spent more time together at the Youth Center, we started to grow on each other, the bitterness and anger slowly giving way. But it was too early then--I refused to let down my guard. However, time and circumstance would not let us be, and every day we seemed drawn a little closer. I guess we proved that there's a fine line between love and hate.
Then, New Mexico--the place that turned our lives around. I saw so much more of you than I ever had before--I saw what a warm, wonderful, compassionate person you were, how strong and capable you could be. And somewhere in those moments of all our unguarded pain, we became joined, two souls as one.
After the first few mishaps and the initial awkwardness wore off, such a beautiful life started. Carnivals, long walks, dancing, intimate dinners--a thousand memories. Then, the proposal. It was something I never thought would happen; the moment seemed so surreal, like a dream too good to be true. Then the wedding. . . It didn't matter that it was small, informal. All our loved ones were there, and our future was unfolding before us. No one could ruin our happiness. I'll never forget Julian's face when he heard. It was wonderful. And there was nothing he could do.
The honeymoon was incredible. Spain was beautiful, so much more beautiful with the fact that you were there; I saw the country through your eyes, every sensation heightened. The land of romance was ours alone, and nothing mattered to us except each other. All the past -- all the pain, and missed chances, and lost dreams--it all disappeared. There was only the two of us, you and me, caught in picture perfect snapshots of the present, with a golden future stretching ahead of us.
Our first anniversary--you were so excited. And the surprise--a celebratory trip to New Mexico. We stayed at the same hotel as the first time we were there, but how much happier this stay was. You even made sure we got the same rooms--though we only used one of them. We hiked along the trail we had crossed the first time, marveling at the wealth of time and occurences that had happened since then. That night you swore you would love me eternally, and I promised to love you till death and after.
The years passed so quickly. . .one child. . .another. . .first day of school. . .our tenth anniversary. . .graduation. . . college. . .our children's weddings. . .grandchildren. . .the deaths of loved ones. . .our fiftieth anniversary. The years were kind in their caress to you; they lent you a dignity and grace unparallelled. If I could have only known how short our time left was. . .but no. It was better to have that joy untainted by any sorrow. We had so many years together, but it was too few. . .I don't
even want to think about tomorrow, waking up alone, wandering around the large house, so empty of your living vibrance, yet so haunted with your presence. . .I never knew grief this powerful existed. Why did you leave me? I need you here now. . .life is nothing if you're not there to share it with me!
For eternity, you said. I believed you then, and I believe you now. Death cannot stop our love; it can only separate us for a heartbeat. I can feel your presence, watching over me. I know you're in a beautiful place now, waiting for me. . . The last of the earth is shoveled in, smoothed off. The stone is so grey and smooth . . . it bears only one inscription besides your name and date: Beloved.
Sleep well, my love, with peaceful dreams. One day soon I shall hold you again.
