Miguel is dealing with his sorrow on the day that he promised to move on from mourning.

Note:  This is a Miguel/Kay story but there is a little Miguel/Whitney.  I like to make 
interesting pairings and I think they would make a good one in an alternate universe. But 
please don’t let the implied M/W connection keep you from the story.

DYING BREATH

NYKKY
jocenicole@excite.com

I place a rose on her grave and wish again for the millionth time that things were different.  
But they are not.  Nothing is different.  She is still gone and there is nothing anyone can do 
about it.  There is nothing I can do about it.  All I can do now is visit, wish and place a 
rose on the grave.

As I walk back to my car, the pain in my heart that I thought would have eased by now, 
pierces me like a dagger.  It hurts so much that I reflexively place my right hand over my 
chest as if I am having a heart attack.  I take several deep breaths and calm myself.  I can’t 
believe that even now, the blow of her death causes my heart to pound rapidly as if it is 
trying to build up to an explosion.  I close my eyes, raising my head heaven ward and I 
hope that a ray of light will shine down and explain to me how I managed to lose my best 
opportunity for love.  Explain to me why I am cursed to walk the land without her.

I drop my head and continue walking briskly to my car.  I open the door and climb in, 
slamming the door behind me.  I had hope that today would be the day that I find the 
strength to carry on.  I made a promise that I would.  But as I place my keys in the 
ignition, I can’t turn the key.  My hand refuses to comply.  I turn and face the direction of 
her grave and I feel my eyes watering and I know that today will not be the day.  Yet it 
has to be because I promised.  As I shed my tears, I flip the switch and I drive off slowly 
until my anger makes me floor the gas.  My car revs up and I am kicking around seventy 
out of the graveyard.

As I drive back to my home, my mind drifts back to a year ago…

[Flash back]

It was nice out that day and all of us were talking.  The city was having a festival and all of 
us were back in town to hang out with family and friends.  I came with Charity although 
we no longer dated.  We broke up after our second year in college.  At first it was hard on 
both of us but in my heart I knew it was the right decision.  I realized that I loved 
somebody else and I loved her more than I could ever love Charity.  Charity, sad as it is to 
admit, was puppy love, a deep crush on something different.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t 
regret any time I spent with her.  She gave me something more precious than anything on 
this earth.  She gave me perspective and the understanding of what love could be like.  
Although in the end the love we shared wasn’t for me, it made me ready to deal with the 
love I felt for my favorite bad girl.  A chick with the biggest chip on her shoulder.  The 
woman who could look at you and make you wish you were never born but when she 
shows you love, you know that you are willing to do anything to have her show it to you 
again.  The most important woman in life.  Kay.

We started dating during the last semester of my third year of college.  It was weird how 
we hooked up.  I happened to be on campus and she rode up on her bike.  And I am not 
talking about a ten speed.  I am talking about a motorcycle.  It was an Indian a brand that 
was rarely seen since Harley-Davis Company got a monopoly in the states.  No, this was a 
bike that was created recently for those who aspired to different things.  It was a bike 
made for someone who follows the beat of a different drum.

I remember my mouth hanging open.

“Kay, is that you?”

“Who the hell else would it be?” she pulled off her helmet and tidal wave of long chestnut 
hair falls down.  Kay was wearing a leather jacket and jeans.  Her boots were black like 
her jacket and made from the same material.  I remember shaking my head and smiling.

“Why are you here?” I figured that she was visiting somebody other than me.  I guess 
that’s because I never really spoke to her after Charity and I began to get very serious and 
I realized that she didn’t approve of it.  It pissed me off that she disliked Charity and worst 
treated Charity badly for being with me.  After our confrontation, we barely spoke and 
after graduation, she went to a different university.  I saw her a few times after that but it 
wasn’t the same.  We were friendly enough but Kay found a new set of friends and lovers 
and I was pretty much excluded from it. In the beginning it didn’t bother me but after a 
while it did.

Now she was here staring at me with that curious look of hers.

“I came because I wanted to show you my bike.  I know how much you wanted a bike and 
I figured that riding mine would be the next best thing.”

“You can’t be serious?” I said shaking my head.  I didn’t think I wanted to ride with Kay 
on a motorcycle because I heard the stories about how wild she was in the past.

“Don’t be a chicken.  Just get on,” she reached behind her and grabbed the other helmet 
and tossed it at me.

“Alright,” I stuffed the books I carried into my backpack and then placed the helmet on.  
When climbed on the back, Kay adjusted herself and then over her shoulder she said, 
“Hold on, buddy.”

She placed her helmet on and lifted her foot kicking the bike into motion.  I get pressed 
back because we take off so fast. But as we cruised down the unknown streets, it became 
the beginnings of the path to our relationship.  That bike ride ended our truce and 
rekindled our friendship.

On the day of the festival, I had been waiting for Kay to show up for more than an hour.  
She told me that she would be late.  I was annoyed because it have been the first time I 
saw her since Christmas because I went back to Spain.  I got into a studying overseas 
program year before graduating.  She sent me away with her blessings and a night of 
intense sex in the fall.  

Kay also went away.  She went to Australia for classes in another university.  She didn’t 
come home for the holidays because she was working with a company doing something or 
other.  She told me to come see her in Australia.  When I arrived she announced to me 
that she was pregnant.  I freaked out but after a moment I was happy.  I also was ready to 
move back from Spain to be with her but Kay insisted that I stay in Spain.  She told me 
she is going to be pregnant until May and that we would have plenty of time with the baby 
afterwards.  We argued intensely about it.  I felt like she was pushing me away.  But she 
insisted that I go.  Reluctantly I agreed but I called all the time running up my phone bill 
and when she went into labor, she had me on the phone the whole time.

When I got back in town in the spring to graduate, she hadn’t come home yet.  I tried to 
call her, it took me eight days to get in contact with her.  I wanted to see her and my 
daughter.  When I caught her she told me that she would not be around until the time of 
the festival.  This annoyed me because I wanted to spend time with the daughter I haven’t 
met but I told her how much I missed her and she told me how much she loves me.  I 
spent the rest of the two weeks anticipating and preparing to see my daughter for the first 
time and also seeing Kay again.

So now at the festival, I was waiting here, trying to be polite and listening to everyone talk 
endlessly about absolutely nothing and then I saw her.  She was waving at me and pushing 
a stroller.  I looked at her in excited anticipation.  The baby looked quite beautiful from 
the distance and so did Kay.  It caused my mouth fell open.  Seeing her walking towards 
me it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The main thought in my head was I am a father.  I think 
that everyone noticed my state and glanced over at Kay.  They saw her pushing the stroller 
over and were shocked.  Kay and I decided not to tell anyone about her pregnancy.  We 
wanted to wait until we got back and announced our wedding plans.  I almost laughed at 
their shock until the shock I was given in the next few minutes.

Kay was pushing our child across a busy intersection.  She was almost across when this 
bastard with brake failure raced through the light.  We all saw that Kay barely had enough 
time to push the baby out the way and then the impact.  She was hit so hard that she was 
thrown forty feet and landed on another person’s car across the street.  The man’s car 
spun out of control and slammed into a pole.

There was silence on the street like everyone went instantly in shock. Then I heard a 
scream of Kay’s name.  It is loud, full of anger, pain, and fear.  And it is coming from me.  
I moved with lightening speed, telling someone to check the baby as I run over to Kay.

Kay looked like every bone in her body was shattered.  Several were exposed and she was 
twisted in an unnatural way.  There was blood everywhere and it all came from her. My 
hands reached and drew back, trying to figure out what to do but failing miserably.  I 
knew I was mumbling something but it wasn’t coherent.  Suddenly I couldn’t see.  I 
thought it had started raining until I realize that I was crying hard.

“Ka…Kay…Please Kay, speak to me,” I was shaking violently and my fear increased as I 
noticed more and more that she wasn’t moving. Then hands were on me, moving me back 
and away from her.

“Let me go!  Let me go!  Kay! Kay!” I was kicking and screaming, fighting to get back to 
her but they wouldn’t let me go.  Then I felt stronger arms around me and Luis told me to 
stop.  But I couldn’t stop.  I couldn’t stop shouting.  I was freaking out.  The woman who 
means the world to me was lying in a heap on top of some poor bastard’s car and there 
was nothing I could do about it.

[End flash back]

I shake my head when I hear a horn.  I notice that light is green and that I can go.  I drive 
through the intersection taking deep breaths.  I wipe my face with the back of my left hand 
and then using that same hand to hold the wheel, I turn on the radio.  There isn’t anything 
on and eventually I turn it off.  I am almost home anyway.

When I get there, I park the car and I just sit in it.  I know Momma is sitting in the living 
room waiting for me to return.  She is probably playing with Mikail (guess how she got 
that name) or reading her a book.  The thought of holding my daughter is the only thing 
that gets me out the car.  I walk up to the door and use the key, as I open it, I hear my 
daughter’s laughter.  It causes me to smile a little so that when my mother sees me she 
doesn’t feel like the grim reaper walked through the door.  

I go straight for my beautiful daughter, taking in her scent when I pick her up and holding 
her close.  She is glad to see me and that sends a special kind of thrill through my soul.  
She is all that I have left.  She is the only thing that keeps me from walking into the ocean 
and never coming back.   I know it sounds melodramatic but the truth is like that 
sometimes, especially when a person is in pain.

I coo at her and bounce her slightly in my arms, as I walk upstairs.  I know that I didn’t 
speak to my mother but I didn’t feel like dealing with her questions about my state of 
mind.  I just wanted to play with my daughter and dream about what it would have been 
like had Kay survived the accident.

She did stay alive for three days by some strange twist of fate.  We all thought that she 
would make it but her body couldn’t sustain her.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending 
on how you look at it, Kay was coherent the last day.  I was there when she died and left 
me all alone to raise Mikail.  

I look down at our daughter and smile, “What would I do if you weren’t here?”  I kiss her 
forehead.  I lay her on my bed and give her a toy.  Then I change my clothes.  As I do I 
drift again.

[Flash back]

Kay had so many wires and tubes going in and out of her that she looks like a science fair 
project.  She was in the intense care unit wearing both a neck and back brace.  It was a 
miracle that they have managed to sustain her for two full days and were now working on 
the third.  I came into the room and I asked Grace and Sam for a private moment with 
Kay.  I just wanted to watch her alone because that was about as intimate thing I could do 
with her now.  They agreed and left me.

I watched the rise and fall of her chest.  It was one of the few things that gave me hope, 
that and Kay’s willpower.  Her sheer desire to survive at any cost, made me think she 
would.  So when her eyes popped open I just knew the worst was over.  I was so wrong.

“Kay,” I said softly, “Kay baby, I’m so sorry.” I tried not to cry but I failed in that task.

I see her throat working and I though I needed to ring the nurse but she said my name and 
it made me hesitate.  

“Kay, I will call a doc…”

“I’m sorry Miguel,” she whispered.

My hand dropped and I leaned close to her and said, “Sorry for what?”

“Not letting you stay,” she grimaces and blinks rapidly but then continues after sucking in 
several breaths, “see the birth...”

“ Of Mikail?”

“Yes, our baby,” she said as a tear slid from her eye.

I close my eyes for a moment and then I opened them, “Kay, it doesn’t matter.  We can 
talk about it when you get better…”

“Now.  Talk about it now.  No doctors, just you and me,” she managed before she goes 
into another fit for oxygen.

I shake my head but Kay told me how she was scared because she thought I’d resent her 
for keeping the baby if she asked me to stay with her.  Then she realized that I wouldn’t 
but she still didn’t want me to miss out on my opportunity.  She said that she was wrong 
and wasn’t trying to hurt me.  She told me that she wrote several letters trying to explain 
it but she didn’t send them because of our loving phone conversations.  She said that she 
thought once we got back into the country everything would be alright.  She said that she 
was so sorry and needed me to forgive her. This takes a lot of her but she was so 
determined to know my feelings that she kept watching me.

“I don’t need to forgive you.  I need you to forgive me for not staying regardless of what 
you wanted,” I said with a wink then shedding a tear.

She tries to smile at me but it causes her pain.  I rung the nurse and her parents came back 
into the room.

[End flash back]

I can feel myself about to get worked up and I quickly shake it off.  I tell myself that I 
can’t keep putting myself through it over and over again.  I have a daughter to raise and 
she needs me physically as well as mentally strong.  I go over to my bed where my 
teething daughter is gnawing on her toy.  I pick her up and then I hear a knock at my 
door.  The door opens and Momma comes in.

“How are you?”

I look at my mother and wonder how she managed to live with out Pappa for all these 
years.  Then my anger comes back.  I hate the fact that I would have to learn once again 
to live without one of the most important person in my life.  

“I’m fine.  Just great,” I snap sarcastically.

Momma doesn’t even flinch, so use to my attitude and mood swings.


“You want something to eat?”

I shake my head and continue watching my daughter.  My mother stands there for another 
moment and then she leaves, closing the door quietly behind her.  I sigh in relief because I 
feel like some presser has left my shoulders.

Everyone is waiting for me to get over it and on with my life.  But I am sick of hearing 
that crap about how tough it is and how Kay wouldn’t want me to live like a recluse, 
shutting out everyone and everything.  But how can they know how I feel?  I had the 
luxury of not only seeing the cause of my love’s death but also watch her die.  How can 
they feel the pain I feel knowing that I have to raise my daughter alone? How can they 
understand the deep sorrow that I have that my daughter will never know her mother and 
that I am the only one that will be able to keep her memory alive?  Most of them didn’t 
really like Kay.  Kay’s only other friend in town was Simone and she left awhile ago to 
live out her dreams.  I can’t move on.  I can’t. But today I promised that I would.

I stand up and begin walking around my cramped room.  I really need my own place but 
that is hard to do when your job pays crap and you have a child.  Hopefully, I can get a 
promotion soon because I can’t stand being in my mother’s house or even Harmony.  The 
place is too cramped now because Poloma is back and Momma is also the babysitter for 
Luis’s kid with Sheridan.  I swear sometimes that kid needs his own room here.  But he 
loves his grandma and always wants to come over.  And Sheridan is pregnant again, 
meaning that another bouncing baby’s will be around.

My phone rings and I look at the number.  Speaking of the devil, it is Sheridan.  I pick up 
the phone.

“Hi, Sheridan.”

“Miguel, how are you?”

I almost sigh.  Almost, “Fine.  Just fine.  I am playing with Mikail.”

“Oh how sweet.  How is she?” I can feel her smile through the phone.  Sheridan is crazy 
about my daughter.  I think she hopes her second baby will be a girl.

“She’s fine.  Just teething and all.”

“Yeah it is about time for that…”

I just sigh about to end the conversation.

“I’m calling to ask you if you want to come over for dinner and games.  You could bring 
Mikail.  Luis and I would love to have you.”

I roll my eyes but I keep my voice pleasant, “Naw, thanks.  I think that I just want to stay 
home and play with my daughter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I am.  But thanks anyway.”

“Well, okay.  I’ll talk to you soon?”

I know what she is driving at but I’m just not ready to play pretend yet.

“Yeah soon. Bye.”  I hang up the phone before she could even say it herself.

I look down at my daughter who is about to fall asleep.

“Mikail, sometimes I wonder when people think about trying to help you if they ever 
consider just leaving a you alone.”

I carry her around for a few minutes until she finally falls asleep.  I place her carefully in 
her bed and kiss her head.  I stroke her hair for a moment and then I get into my own bed.  
I stretch out thinking about Kay’s last words to me.

[Flash back]

“Promise me Miguel.  Promise me that if you must mourn me that in a year you will stop 
and move on.”

“Kay, you’re not going to die,” fear was pulsing through my veins.

She managed to raise an eyebrow, “Miguel…(gasping breath)… Miguel, you don’t know 
that.”

“Yes I do.  You are strong and will make it.” I had to believe this I had to, “Besides, we 
have a daughter to raise.”

Tears slid from Kay’s eyes and she was silent for a moment.  Then sobbing she said, “I’m 
going to miss her.  I’m never going to see her grow up.”

I jumped up, damning the hospital procedure and I rested my hand on her cheek, “Yes you 
will because you will survive this.”

Taking another deep breath and rolling her eyes slightly she said, “Miguel, the optimist, 
the loyal.  What did I ever do to deserve you?”  She shuts her eyes and for a moment tears 
were constantly sliding from her eyes. Then she grimaces.

“Kay are you…”

Her eyes open and she finds mine, “Kiss me Miguel?”

I don’t even hesitate. I leaned down and kissed her softly of the lips.  I let my face linger 
over hers for a moment before moving back a few inches to gaze into her eyes.

“Miguel, promise me that in a year you will move on if you haven’t already.”

I tried to make a joke, “Why a year?  Why can’t I just miss you forever?”

“You can miss me for a lifetime but you still have to move on, for yourself and for 
Mikail,” her eyes closed again and then she opened them.  The look in her eyes raised the 
hairs on the back of my neck but I can’t break her gaze.

“Kay, are you…”

“Promise me.  It will be our last gift to each other.  Release.”

I began to shake my head, “No Kay, I can’t make that promise because I’m not going to 
give up and neither are you.  I’m getting a doctor…”

“Please, if you love me, promise me.”

I saw the pain she was suffering in her eyes.  I know then that I would have sworn the 
world to the devil to make her feel better.

“I promise, for you my love, I promise.”

She closed her eyes again and then opening them slightly she said, “Kiss me again. Tell me 
you love me.”

I know at this point what was happening but a stronger part of me was still in denial.  I 
closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them.  Kay’s eyes were looking back at me 
completely clear of everything except love for me.

“I love you.  I always have and will forever,” as I lean forward I noticed her smile and I 
smiled back.  I kissed her tenderly and slowly pulled back.  On Kay’s dying breath she 
whispered, “Remember our promise.”

I just watched her face for a moment and then stood up.  I didn’t move until the men 
dragged me out the room.  I didn’t hear the noise of the instruments going off because 
Kay went flat line.  All I heard was her last words over and over again.  

I didn’t even know I was running until I stopped in front Mikail’s bed.  She had to be 
hospitalized because the stroller tipped when Kay pushed it out the way, causing Mikail to 
hit the ground.  The funny thing was that the day Kay died, they were going to release 
Mikail with a good bill of health.  As I looked down at her sleeping body, I wept.  I cried 
until I couldn’t stand not touching my only connection to Kay.  So I picked up my 
daughter and held her close to me as I cried.

[End flash back]

My face is wet but I promised.  This is it.  Today is the day and I HAVE to move on.  But 
how can I?  At midnight tonight am I suppose to suddenly snap out of it?  Am I suppose 
to be able to walk around and act like everything is fine? ‘Yeah, it’s been a rough year but 
I made it and I am ready to move on.’  What a load of crap.  I can’t lie to myself.  I am 
not ready and I don’t think I ever will be.  Kay, how am I suppose to do this?

I sit up in my bed and look over at my daughter.  I don’t want to wake her but I can’t stay 
in this room right now.  I leave and go downstairs.  I hear Momma and Poloma in the 
kitchen.  I debate whether to yell and tell them I’m leaving and ask them to look out for 
Mikail or just go into the kitchen.  I decide to go to the kitchen.

I peep my head through the door.  Momma looks up smiling tentatively.

“What is it Miguel?”

“I’m going to take a walk.  Do you mind watching Mikail?  She is sleeping.”

“No, not at all.  Besides, if I need to leave Poloma is here.”

“Yeah, I don’t mind,” she looks up at me with those big brown eyes and I can’t help but 
smile at her.  I walk completely into the kitchen and kiss them both.

“Thanks,” I just stare at them and they stare back.  Then I nod and leave.

I walk for a few blocks lost in my thoughts when I notice someone walking beside me.  I 
pay closer attention and eventually recognize Whitney looking as beautiful as ever.  She 
hasn’t been in town much because of all the touring she is doing with tennis.  By the way 
she looks, the sport is treating her well.  She wasn’t here when Kay got hit and died.  She 
was overseas.

“Whitney, what are you doing here?” I said actually glad to see her.

“I’m back home to make some major decisions,” she faces me and opens her arms.

I walk into them smiling.  The embrace stirs something in me that instantly brings on a 
pang of guilt.  I enjoyed the touch of another woman and I shouldn’t.  Not on this day.  
Not ever.  I pull back abruptly causing Whitney to yelp.

“Sorry,” then I notice her right arm.  Her elbow is heavily bandaged.  I frown at it then at 
her.

“What happened?” I say concerned.

Whitney turns away from me and we begin to walk again.  I wait patiently for her to talk.  
Eventually she speaks quietly.

“I damaged my elbow.  The damage is bad enough that I might have to be out of tennis 
for a while, maybe forever.”

I think my mouth drops a bit.  I hear the sorrow in her voice and I long to reach out and 
tell her that it will be okay. Again I feel guilty about the desire. Then I think about how 
much I hated that statement being said to me in reference to Kay.  So instead, I step closer 
to her.

“Are you sure?  Did you get a second opinion?”

“Yes, I got a second opinion.  He told me that if I am lucky I might be able to play in a 
year but serious competition over long period of time is definitely out for now.  I have to 
wait a year to see if it will be possible to play again.”

I shake my head and we walk in silence.  We get to the park and take a seat on the bench.  
Whitney has a distant look in her eyes for a moment and then she quickly shakes her head.

“I need to get over it.  But it is hard because only recently did tennis become something I 
really wanted.  Not something I got pushed into by others.”  She looks at me and smiles, 
“I’m sorry.  I guess I am angry that things turned out this way for me.”

“That’s okay, really.  I don’t mind and I can understand,” I said really meaning it.  “It 
really stinks when something precious to you is ripped away from you.”

“Yeah, it is but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  Tell me about you.  How have you 
been?  I know that Theresa is out the country with Ethan but how about the rest of you?”

I shrug and tell her about everyone.  When I finally get to myself I say something brief like 
I’m fine.

Whitney studies me for a moment and the she places her hand on my shoulder and says, 
“Are you sure?  You don’t look fine to me.”

I almost snap but I catch myself.  I sit there for a moment and then I just start talking, 
spilling my guts.

“Today is the anniversary of Kay’s death.  On this day a year ago, I made a promise that I 
would move on after a year of mourning for her.  I promised Kay that I would not keep 
letting the pain of her death effect my life in a substantial way.  But Whitney, I can’t move 
on, I just can’t. I miss her too much because I love her so much.  How can I move on 
without her when I don’t even want to live without her most of the time.”  I jump up from 
the bench and start walking.  Whitney follows after me and we walk together in silence for 
a moment.

“You know when we started dating, everyone thought I was crazy.  People said that Kay 
was incapable of being good. They said that she was a selfish person and very 
inconsiderate of others feelings.  Many people couldn’t believe that I choose Kay over 
Charity in the end.  Even now, there are people thinking that I should get back Charity.  
But they don’t understand.  They didn’t know Kay.  And they don’t know what Kay 
meant to me. She was special.  Very special.”

Whitney stayed silent, glancing at me every so often.

I raised my hand and rub my chin laughing a bit, “I remember our first real date.  It had to 
be one of the most hilarious things that happen to me.  We went to the Olive Garden 
because we were starving after long day of beating the crap out of each other in a paint 
ball game.  We got into the restaurant wearing a multitude of colors in our hair and 
looking like we didn’t have a dime between us.  The guy started to not give us service but 
Kay grabbed the guy by the shirt and said that he better find a seat for us or she’ll scream 
that she saw a rat run from the kitchen smelling like some of the food.  The guy, scared of 
her, gave us a seat in the deepest and farthest part of the restaurant.  I told Kay that she 
didn’t have to be extreme but she said that she only did it because she wanted to teach the 
guy that judging a person based on superficial looks alone can get you in a lot of trouble.  
I told her that there are other ways to prove a point. But I like the fact that she was free 
enough to allow herself to be outrageous.”

Whitney is laughing at my story a bit and I can’t help but laugh some more myself.  When 
Kay did that to the guy I was mortified but afterwards when we were seated, we had a 
romantic night and we really talked for the first time in years.  It allowed us to air a lot of 
dirty laundry and for me to understand that complex woman.

“Well Kay always made me think that she had a lot of fire.  I heard that she was wild.”

“She was Whitney but not all the time.  Just when she is really happy or really pissed.  
You know the kind of person with a Type A personality.  Would it surprise you that most 
of the time, Kay just spent her time hanging out with me watching movies, going to poetry 
readings, watching sports, or just sitting with me watching the stars.  When she wasn’t 
with me, she was a great student.”

“A little but I knew that Kay was smart,” she shakes her head after a second, “So why did 
you love her?”

I stare out looking at the people in the park for moment before answering.  After a few 
seconds I said, “I loved her and still do because she did let me go.  I loved the fact that she 
would fight to have what she wants.  She is the strongest woman that I have ever known.  
She forced me to be myself and not mold myself into something she thought I should be. 
She demanded that I challenge her and stand toe to toe with her.  I didn’t have to worry 
about her because she didn’t need me to be her protector.  She just needed me to love her.  
And what I really loved about Kay was her frankness.  She told like it was and made her 
intentions clear from the beginning of our new found relationship.  But even with all her 
frankness, she could be self sacrificing if she needed to be.”  I shrug my shoulders, “I 
don’t know.  Maybe this makes sense maybe it doesn’t but I do know that when she was 
alive and I thought about her, I felt alive and empowered.  Since her death I have felt lost, 
unable to deal.”

Whitney places her hand on my arm and stops me from walking, “Miguel, I sorry about 
what happened with Kay but you have a daughter to raise and Kay wouldn’t want the two 
you spending the rest of your lives ailing over her death.”

I shrug her off angry, “I know that.  She made me promise not to but I can’t just stop 
feeling like my reason for being died when Kay drew her last breath.”  I walk briskly away 
from her.

“Miguel.  Miguel, please stop.”

I slow down so that she can catch up with me.  I turn and face her saying, “I’m so tired of 
everyone. They all piss me off.  Don’t they know what I lost?  Kay and I were supposed 
to get married.  We were supposed to raise Mikail and any future children together.  
Don’t they know that I will never get to watch Kay grow old?  Don’t they understand that 
my daughter won’t have her mother here to see her take her first step? Say her first word?  
Watch her got to school for the first time?  Kay will miss her daughter’s prom, graduation, 
and wedding.  I will miss sharing Mikail’s experiences with Kay.  I won’t be able to look 
at Kay and tell her that I love her no matter what happens.  The only things I have of Kay 
for my daughter are pictures, a bike, and memories.  All because some dumb asshole 
couldn’t fix his fu----- brakes!”

I run my fingers roughly through my hair. Then a dry laugh escapes my lips as I say, “For 
the better part of the year I have listened to people reassure me and tell me how it is best 
that I move on.  You believe it? People who didn’t care for my relationship with Kay, 
telling me that moving on is the best thing for me and my daughter. Well I’m sick of it.  
I’m in pain.  I hurt and it won’t go away just because her death was part of God’s plan.  It 
won’t end because I moved on.  No matter how much time passes I don’t think I will ever 
get over her.”

I throw back my head and let out an angry incoherent shout.  Then I slowly lower my head 
and cover my face with my hands.  Then I drop my hands.  Looking at the ground I say 
gruffly, “Nobody understands.”

Whitney touches my shoulder and I flinch.  She doesn’t back off.  Instead she steps closer 
and says, “I do understand that.  Life has a way of making you wish you didn’t have to 
live.  Just when you found something very precious to you it is taken away.  Please forgive 
the comparison to your loss but I know I will never play tennis again.  It’s funny.  All my 
life I hated tennis.  Then one day, after my father and I had it out about the game, I found 
that I did want to play tennis and I wanted to be a great player finally for myself.  Right 
when everything was about to fall into place, that dream was taken from me.” I start to 
say something but she holds up a hand and continues.

“I know I never had to suffer the loss of a family member to death but I have lost 
something very important to me. And now I have a choice, I can stay pissed about it and 
allow my anger to force a child I might have to live out the dream I want. Or I can deal 
with my anger and try and find a new way to move on with my life. I can look around and 
see what else is out there.  It might not ease the pain of what I lost but I would know that 
I at least didn’t let the loss of my dream to be a great tennis player keep me from living.  
Because I know I still have a whole lot of living to do and people love.  

She squeezes my shoulder, “Miguel, I don’t think Kay asked you to forget her.  She asked 
you to try to live again no matter how hard.  She did it herself when she thought she 
would never have you in her life.  You can do it too.  No you don’t have to stop feeling 
the pain of your loss.  Yes sometimes it is not going to be all right.  And yes I believe that 
you are entitled to be angry.  But today you have to try and move beyond that pain.  You 
have to try and live without her and you have to do it without dragging yourself into a 
funk.  Take the beauty and strength of your relationship with Kay and let it empower you 
like it did when she was alive and you will begin your healing process.  Don’t just dwell on 
the loss.  Rejoice the fact that you to got to love each other regardless of all that has 
happened.  Take it one day at a time.  That’s what I have to do and so do you.”

I just stand there looking at her.  I wonder if that is what Kay meant and then I remember 
her saying, ‘You can miss me for a lifetime but you still have to move on, for yourself and 
for Mikail’.  I didn’t know what she meant until just now.  Whitney is right.  My missing 
Kay should not be the excuse I use for half living my life.  Kay wouldn’t want me to barely 
exist.  She would want me to live life to the fullest as if she were around to watch.  She 
would want our daughter to see the real me, the Miguel that she knew.  She knew that I 
would always love and miss her but the promise she asked me to make was her way of 
releasing me to live and love again.  Her last gift to me.

I throw my arms around Whitney and hug her tight.  She hugs me back and allows me to 
cry on her shoulder.  I know, I know, I have been crying a river but hey sometimes that’s 
all a person can do.  When I finally let her go I feel a little better.  I smile at Whitney and 
she smiles back at me. We start walking again and this time when I talk about Kay or 
when she talks about tennis the talk empowers us both.

[Later that evening]

It is seven-thirty at night.  I’m in front of Kay’s grave again but this time I bring Mikail. I 
talked to Mikail about her mother, telling her about her and then telling Kay about Mikail.  
Eventually I talk about us.

“I miss you baby.  I really do but I remembered my promised that I would move on after 
today and I think I just might be able to.  I guess somebody finally made me realize that 
missing you didn’t mean I had to miss the life I live right now.  I have our daughter to 
raise and she should get to know the Miguel that you fell in love with, not the half a man I 
became after you died.  It will be hard but I know that you are always going to be with me 
even if it is only in my heart.  I understand now that as long as I carry you around there 
that our love will last forever and I won’t taint it by using it as an excuse not live.  So I 
guess this is the last time I come to this grave to mourn.  The next time I come here it will 
be as a man the visit to woman that made him happy and to again thank you for the 
sweetest moments in my life.  I love you Kay and I am finally able to say goodbye.”

I stand up picking up my daughter and start to walk away but then I turn and say, “I think 
that I might go out on a date with Whitney. There is something about her that… I don’t 
know.” I laugh a little and then say somberly, “I hope that as part of moving on it means 
I’m free to try love again.”

Then I think about for a moment and say, “But I know you know that no matter who I 
date in the future that no one holds a candle to you babe.”  

I turn and walk away.  As I walk back to the car, I could have sworn that I heard Kay’s 
laugh on the wind.  The thought made me smile.

THE END