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She just grunted and buried her face deeper into the pillow. Emma wanted to let her rest, but she also knew the young woman needed food. She had been sleeping for two days and only had some crackers to eat. She had been so worn out when they finally got her to bed. Her sleep hadn't been restful either, Emma had watched her toss and turn in her bed, fighting nightmares and calling out his name. "Louise," she hummed again and shook her shoulder slightly.

Lou's eyes opened slowly and seeing Emma sitting on her bed she pulled herself up into a sitting position. "Kid?"

"He'll be fine sweetie, but you need some food. Come on down, I made your favorite."

Lou rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands, shaking her head as she did. Mumbling something.

"I wanna see him first!" Lou said hoarsely. "Can't think of food right now, ain't exactly hungry."

"Two days!" Lou's head snapped up and Emma read disbelief and fear in her eyes. "You let me sleep for two days! I promised I'd stay with him Emma!"

"Lou sweetheart, you were so tired you could hardly stand on your own feet and he's been out all the time." Emma had to hug the young woman, trying to comfort her, wishing to wipe the desperation out of the eyes. Her stance so tense. So guilt-ridden. "Lou, he wouldn't have noticed if you were there or not!"

"Oh God, he's that bad? Emma, there are things I need to tell him, things I never told him and he needs to know!"

"Lou, he's probably gonna be just fine. He'll probably wake up soon, that's why I came to get you. But the moment he sees you he'll get mad at us for not taking care of you properly, like feedin' ya. You know that. You won't be able to be there for him if you don't get your strength back. Come on, let's get some food into you and you'll get to see him."

"I already have a mother, Emma!" Lou grunted as she swung her legs over the bed.

Lou had to smile, Emma was their mother hen, always looking out for the needy ones. Lou herself wasn't really keen on that part. Never had been, but she was learning fast. "Is Jimmy all right?"

Emma nodded and placed her arm around Lou's shoulders, gently pushing her out of the room. "Everybody's fine Lou, Amanda is here and I just got Noah to sit down and have breakfast too. Sean's finally getting something to eat too. It's been a hard two days for all of them." She could tell Lou's stance changing and her pace slowing. "Lou, you have to talk to him. You have to tell him, you'll regret it later if you don't set things straight with him. You were together for a long time, you might regret it if you don't.... "

"You planned this didn't you? Getting us together around a table. Ever think of all the deadly tools around, forks can really hurt if you know where to put 'em!"

"Lulabelle!" Emma didn't know if to laugh or scold her. "Don't you think it's wiser to part on friendly terms?"

"I don't wanna deal with him now," Lou shook her head, "I just wanna see Kid. Sean is in my past, we kinda used each other. Kid's different, and I really need to tell him that."

Emma nodded, "oh he pretty much figured it out already. But I still think your history deserves a proper ending. Let him know that it's really over, that you have moved on so he can do it too."

"Sometimes we're just left hanging on, unable to take that leap of faith into something new. Just do it Lou, take the leap."

"Been listening to Teaspoon," Emma chuckled, "in all those words there are some that's really worth listening to."

Lou snuck into the kitchen and found herself a seat at Noah's side. She had a hard time even looking at Sean, sitting at the end of the table, watching her intently as she walked inside. She just nodded in his direction, never meeting with his gaze. First she had to find out about the Kid, then she'd deal with Sean. "Noah, is he gonna be all right? Just tell me the truth!"

"He's probably gonna be just fine. Just let that medication and the stemcells do their work and he'll be just fine. He's just out cold but that's to be expected," Noah smiled at her but Lou read the tiredness in his eyes.

"This long?" Lou asked, her stomach turning. "It's been two days already, shouldn't he wake up? What if ..."

"Lou, we just have to wait, that's all we can do. He's alive and breathing by his own, when he wakes up well find out more. We just have to wait Lou."

"So why won't Emma let me see him," she inquired, "I won't disturb you or anything, I just wanna see him!" She peered at Noah, trying to see if he was being straight with her. Fearing they were hiding the truth from her, like it wouldn't come out eventually anyhow? Like they were trying to shield her from the grim fact that he had been deprived of oxygen for too long, his brain maybe damaged beyond repair.

"No Lou, you saved his life, both of you. You did exactly what needed to be done and Sean took care of the rest. All brainreflexes are normal, that's all we can tell right now. We'll know the rest in a while, some functions we'll leave for you to try out."

Lou finally lifted her eyes in Sean's direction. "Thanks," she said, her voice rather unsteady from the relief Noah's words had brought her. Her sleep had been filled with nightmares of Kid slipping away, Kid in an eternal state of unconsciousness. Never again opening his eyes. Never again holding her. The memories of him haunting her. And she still didn't know. Her throat felt so tight she felt it would be impossible to get a bite down, it was damned hard to even breathe.

Lou nodded and tentatively took one bite of the bread. Of course, he had treated him like any other patient, because that was what the Kid was to him. Somebody that needed his expertise. There was no need for her to tell him thanks, but she just felt like she needed to tell him what Kid meant to her. Whatever shape he would wake up into, she'd be there for him, coaching him back to life if necessary. At least she had that. He still would be the Kid to her, and the feelings she had for him were enough for them both. She needed to let them both know that. What she should have told both him and Sean months ago. "I just wanted to let you know I really appreciate you comin' out here and help him. You see....I love him."

Noah scrambled with the fork against the plate; "I better get goin'," he mumbled. Emma took the cue and snuck out of the kitchen after him. Leaving the two of them alone. Lou cursed them both.

"Louise," Sean started when the door shut behind the two. "You could have told me. I shouldn't have had to find out through others. Dammit Lou, I care about you."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I've left a lot unsaid lately. Figured it would work out by itself."

"I don't know if I ever started 'seeing' him. But I started loving him from the first time I saw him. Didn't know it then, that's all. I'm sorry Sean, I should have told you right from the beginning, I just couldn't. Things were everything but clear between us, kinda rocky so to say. Still are in fact."

"I see," Sean said, holding his gaze on Lou. "I was kept as the fallback guy in case something went wrong. In case it didn't work out. Well hell, I can live with that."

"I can't Sean. I realized that I need more than somebody loving me, I need to love back. With all my heart and soul. I just don't love you that way Sean, I've never loved anyone that way before. I don't care if he doesn't ...well I do care if he doesn't love me, but I can accept it. Can't come back to you thou'. I need to love, need to love like I love Kid." She saw Sean flinch at her words, she hated to hurt him like this. But there was no other way. "I loved you too Sean, don't ever go thinking I didn't. But as a friend, a really close friend. But Kid, he's that and more. It's...it's like finally finding something you always looked for, not even knowing you looked or what it was you looked for."

"It's okay Lou, you don't need to explain. Never believed in that romantic love thing anyways."

"Someday you will Sean, you'll find it too if you're lucky. And you'll know exactly what I mean. It ..it takes you and makes you... I don't know....see things differently? It's just something else, something you can't explain."

Lou rose from her seat, carefully gathering the plate and the tools to take them to the washer. Meticulously she rinsed the plates and pondered on Sean's words. Was that how she saw the Kid? Like a savior of some kind? Hell no, sometimes the man irritated the hell outta her and she felt like whacking him hard, but she wouldn't take him any other way, she loved the way he always took the time to think things through. To explore all possibilities before making his decision, and then sticking to it, come whatever difficulties. A sometimes nerve wrecking devotion, and readiness to help anything living on earth, even those who didn't deserve it. Getting himself in trouble for it, making her mad as hell coz' of that stubborness. That was just the Kid. She smiled to herself before she turned to face Sean.

"No Sean, he's not God-on-Earth, he's just Kid, and that's all I ask him to be. That's why I love him, coz' he's he."

"But what if he don't remember anything when he wakes up? What if he's a wreck, not the one you met?"

"I don't know Sean, I just know I need to be with him." Lou mumbled. The fear of the truth in the words making her clinch her jaw, what if he doesn't even know who I am? "All I know now Sean is that I need to see him."

Sean rose slowly from his place at the table. Walking over to her and stopping right in front of her, watching her. Lou calmly met with his eyes, knowing she was right. There had never been a question of choosing really, it was a question of trust. And for her to trust she needed to respect. And that was it, she respected the Kid as a human being, faults and all, because she understood him, deep down she had that deep understanding of what he was all about. To love she needed that, and she had found it. "Let me see him Sean, please, I need to tell Kid what I just told you."

"Not even get me started on the name," Sean smiled sadly at her. "How come a grown man is called the Kid?"

Lou yanked his shirtsleeve lightly, "coz' he so damned cute." Her eyes were overflowing as she spoke and the notion of Kid flooded her with tenderness.

He seemed so small in the bed, her heart surged at the sight of him. The strong man she knew, lying there, seeming so small and helpless. Tubes still in his arm and under his nose, making him seem vulnerable. He must hate being tied up like this, her proud man, always striving for control of himself. Striving to be the dependable one when things went out of hand. Her eyes couldn't get enough of him, she drank him in. Eyes automatically searching for the dreadful hole she had made in his skull. There was nothing but a white patch behind his ear. He seemed agitated, his eyes moved under the lids. Her hand automatically worked its way to rest on his shoulder, calming him. "Is he in pain?" she asked Sean.

"No, I don't think so, just sit with him for a while. Call me if he starts to wake up. I'll be outside."

"I will," Lou promised, latching on to Kid's hand, praying that he'd open his eyes. Feeling weak at the sight of him lying there, all the apparatus hooked into him, beeping with every heartbeat. His veins swollen from the medication, he looked so vulnerable and she knew she wouldn't be able to rest until he had opened his eyes. Just once. She's be sitting here until it happened, she should have been sitting here all along. She rested her head on the cool sheet at his hand and let the tears flow.

The sound of scraping as he pulled a chair to her side. "No Lou, you haven't lost him, he's still here."

"I know Jimmy, but what if his brain is so damaged that he can't remember? How will I be able to help him if I don't know!"

"Everything about him Jimmy, please tell me. Tell me that secret you both share. What happened that time, that time the girl died. Who was she? And why are both you and Kid so defensive about it. I need to know what really happened. Coz' I know it's such a big part of you both."

She was mumbling into the sheet and Jimmy laid a hand on the trembling back. "Oh Lou..."

"Please Jimmy!" Her dark eyes boring into his, the sorrow in them wrenching his guts, he knew he wouldn't be able to keep any secrets from Lou. He should have known that right from the start. She had the right to now and he would tell, for her sake and for Kid's. But most of all for himself.

"Yeah," Jimmy said, the pain of the memories invading him instantly. "Please Lou. Let me finish while I can."

Lou nodded and diverted her eyes back to the Kid, "go on Jimmy," she said softly.

"Kid had this girlfriend during his sophomore year at the university. She was younger and he took care of her during the first semester, like some kind of a tutor. Guess he was a good caretaker coz' then they started seeing each other. She was involved with a militant group of animals' rights activist, doing brake ins and stuff. That's how I met Kid again after all those years, he came to bail her out."

"We grew up in the same neighborhood, the rowdiest one in the southern bi-Cupolas, a neighborhood you never visited if not forced to. We grew up in HellonEarth."

Lou gasped for air in shock, and Jimmy smiled bitterly, that was the normal reaction.

"I was doing an internship at the local ProtectionsOffice, and that's when she showed up. Involved in a brake in at the pharmaceutical lab, the rumor was that they were holding dogs in there. The rumor wasn't true and they got caught, she was put on probation and I became her probation officer. I fell in love."

Jimmy looked down on his own hands as they formed fists from the raw emotions raging in him. The anger for what she had gotten involved in, the love he had felt for her, the sorrow that she had left without either of them saying a proper good-bye. "I knew it was wrong, I knew I shoulda stayed out of it. But she said she loved me. But she needed Kid for the information he had access to coz of the research he was performing, so she kept seeing him too. Maybe she loved him, I don't know. Maybe she just loved herself and the idea of being a heroine, I just don't know. So I kept seeing her, hoping she would leave the Kid and be all mine. I knew he cared for her and he had no idea of our involvement. It felt wrong but in fear of losing her I chose to keep quiet. And then it all happened."

He had to draw a couple of deep breaths before he continued. He knew he'd see the scenes unfold before his eyes, like they did in his frequent nightmares. Like they did every time something reminded him of what had happened. What he had done.

"There was University baseball tournament, an yearly event. Only this year everything went wrong." He choked on the words. Nearing the crucial point he wasn't sure he would be able to tell Lou, he wasn't sure he'd be able to form the words so anybody could understand. To him the memories were only a desperate pain, no words strong enough to explain it. Too excruciating to form into words.

Lou squeezed his hand, "go on Jimmy. It's all right. It's over now, let it out."

How he loved her for those words, how they opened a part of his soul up, the pain streaming out of him and Lou was there to catch it. Lou was there to hold his hand and let him spill it onto her, relieve himself of the pain and the guilt. Someday he hoped Kid would be able to do the same, tell it all to Lou. Open those old scars and realize he wouldn't bleed to death.

Gratefully he took her hand into his, looking at it while he continued. "The movement had arranged for a protest at the games, just to make themselves heard. Protesting against the money the Universities were putting into the games when they should have been funding the reallocation of the wildlife instead. Kid was in the committee, doing what I still don't know. It was supposed to be a peaceful protest, outside the arena. I remember like it was yesterday, I spotted Kid, standing outside, handing out promo-slots, laughing and joking with the girls. Marie was nowhere to be seen, I looked for her everywhere, but I couldn't find her. So I walked up to Kid, just standing there by his side, chatting with him, actually helping him hand out the promo's. It seemed like a perfect day. Then we walked inside and sat together, watching the game, the activists too, real peaceful like."

"It started from the back, shouting, shots fired, a blood-like substance being thrown at the spectators, causing hysteria. I yelled at the Kid asking him what the hell was going on, but he was already running up the stairs, shoving people out of his way. Yelling for them to stop. Somebody fired a shot against him and I drew my gun, by then I realized a disaster was in the makings. People started trampling each other, all withdrew to the southern part of the arena. I heard the screams as people were being trampled. I saw the mass get pressed into the wall, I knew people were dying. I remember Kid shouting at me to get the Protors to shower the activists with the water canons, but my EA was down, everything was down. We were caught off guard."

Another lengthy pause, Lou's hand lay still in his lap, she hadn't moved a muscle during his tale.

"We reached the upper parts, Kid was hollering to them to stop it. The mass was now moving towards us and I knew we would be crushed. There was no stopping the wave, they were all terrified, I was terrified. One man was standing with his back turned to us, shooting up into the air. And right at his side was Marie, looking at me with big scared eyes. I heard Kid holler at my side, "Damn it Jed, what the hell are you doing?" The man turned and I saw Kid's brother aiming a gun at Kid. The moment froze and I saw like in slow-motion how he aimed at the Kid, and shot!"

"I answered the fire and killed him, Kid threw himself out of the way, the bullet never touching him. When I understood that I didn't even know if Jed was actually shooting or just using blanks it was too late. I had killed him and I was like stunned. The mass made a sudden shift and the walls and the floor gave in. Kid got up and shoved me out of the way as people stared rolling down the stairs, breaking their necks when they fell. Kid stood and held the killer of his brother safe. I didn't know what to say. Then the crack! Oh God, that awful sound of wood giving in. I lunged for Marie but I missed her. Then I don't remember anything before I woke up in silence."

"Oh God Jimmy," Lou breathed at his side, "what happened then? How did you survive?"

"I woke and found myself stuck between the balks in there, hanging kinda half in the air. Not knowing exactly where I was. I heard Marie sobbing and whimpering, I tried to talk to her. But she didn't answer me, she kept mumbling all these strange things, I heard her mumble even thou' there was chaos above me. People started yelling for help. I heard but I couldn't understand. So I hollered for Kid, I could hear somebody dragging himself on the ground and I tried to free myself to get to her. To hold her and ask her where she was hurt. But I just couldn't get loose. And it was so dark in there, pitch dark. Then I heard Kid talk to her, asking her how she was. She cried and told him her head hurt. When Kid started talking to her, soothing her I understood something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong."

"That's how I know what to do in these circumstances. Kid told me everything that needed to be done to save her. But we couldn't do it. He told me every step of the way needed to save her life and I was going out of my mind. We could do nothing except wait. Nothing worked. I tried to call for help, but all the lines were scrambled. I tried to get to her but I was stuck. I yelled at Kid, I yelled at the world. I needed to be with her. But no, when it was close to her end Kid managed to scoot closer, holding Marie in his lap. He told me to take her hand because she was dying. God how I hated him then, I hated him like I'd never hated anyone before. I could have killed him if I still had my gun. I probably would have. I told him to beware, coz I was gonna kill him if we ever got out alive."

He was crying now, but he didn't care. Hot tears run down his cheek, his voice cracked but he couldn't stop talking.

"She died there, while I held her hand. We had been there for hours already and it was all too late. I tried to talk to her, I tried to call her back. Tell her to hold on. But she just went and died on me. And I had all these questions I still need to ask her. Have all these damned questions that nobody but her can answer, but she's gone. If I hadn't shot, if I had stayed cool maybe it would have saved her. Maybe it would have saved Jed, maybe it would have saved us all!"

Lou rose and enfolded him in her arms, rocking him like a child. Stroking his hair and hugging him, telling him it wasn't his fault. That it was nobody's fault. That everything was all right. Jimmy enveloped her in his arms, hugging her close. Grateful she didn't shy away from him, but knowing there was more to tell. His guilt didn't end here. There was so much more.

"But Lou," Jimmy choked "after the hearing. After we all had been cleared, even Kid. And he was under strong suspicions, I know they held him for weeks. But he too was cleared...but I....I went and beat Kid half to death. And he didn't even hit back! I beat him into a bloody pulp and he just took it. I yelled at him that it was all his fault, he had been with the organizing committee, he shoulda known about their plans. He shoulda stopped it. The more I hit and the less reaction I got from him, the angrier I got. I beat him until he was unconsius...then...then...Oh God Lou. He was my friend, Lou and I hit him till he was unconscious. I took all my anger out on him and the bullhead never even hit me once, he just took it. He was comatose and I kept hitting. I'll never forget the feeling when I picked him up by the collar, all limp. Like Marie. All the way to the hospital I felt sick, I felt like a murderer. I resigned from the ProtectionProgramme that same night. I just walked away. I went to our old neighborhood and wanted somebody to kill me. Or somebody to arrest me. I wanted relief for my guilt, any relief."

Lou had sunken into his lap, looking at him, tears streaming from her eyes. "Oh God Jimmy, why didn't the two of you ever tell me? Why did you walk around with all this hurt inside? Why Jimmy? Why?"

"I promised the Kid. The damned fool had cocked up a lie about being robbed and that I saved his life. I think I even got a medal for it, I tried to tell them it wasn't so but no, they believed him. He told them I had hurt my head at the occasion and didn't remember how it went by. And those damned bastards believed him! Suddenly I was a hero, I hated him for that too. You see, he came looking for me, he came back home and dragged me outta there. Told me that I'd have to go through what he went though every day, and would for the rest of his life. He had always been the one wanting to take it slow, the legal way. Wanting to raise awareness instead of direct action. Jed and Marie didn't agree, they felt it was taking too long. So he found me there, months after I resigned. He found me all drunk and high on God knows what, he dragged me outta there and made me promise to never utter a word of it to anybody. He made me promise a lot of things. He told me he wasn't gonna let me kill myself, he was going to see to it I stayed alive and lived the same misery he did, everyday. And I knew that he was blaming himself, but I didn't set him straight. Felt good to have him blame himself, it kind of lessened my own pain. Like we were brothers in despair and pain. So I promised and we swore to never be in touch again, we swore to forget we ever met. Swore to forget everything. Then we both ended up here."

"Oh God Jimmy, I'm so sorry. For both you and the Kid, I'm so sorry it all happened to you. But I remember reading about it, wasn't either of you causing it. There was nothing anybody could have done. It was just a combination of bad things happening all at once."

There was a moan from the stretcher. A moan that sounded like "no". They both turned at the faint sound Lou instinctively grabbed Jimmy harder, clutching him. Trembling as her attention turned to the Kid.

Lou rose from his lap with one swift move and rushed to Kid's side, clasping his hand into hers, calling his name. Jimmy watched him move on the stretcher, the first time he moved by himself since that day in the ASA.

Lou's pallor increased ulteriorly at the sight of Kid's uneasiness. She clasped his hand into his, "Kid?" Her voice barely audible.

Jimmy rose and entwined his arm around her waist, afraid she'd fall down, turning to look at the Kid he too noticed his increased discomfort. "Lou, I think we should..."

He stopped talking as Lou caressed his friend's cheek and the eyelids fluttered. Then Kid opened his eyes into a crack. A faint smile as his eyes fell on Lou.

"Sweetie," Lou mumbled, her voice so tiny. Relief, joy and fear, all tangled into the endearment.

Then Kid looked at the hand resting around Lou's waist, his half-closed eyes darting to Jimmy. Jimmy smiled at him, "High time you woke up!"

But Kid didn't smile this time, perplexed Jimmy noticed his ardent stare on him. With that same gaze he remembered from the time he'd beat him senseless. That gaze of bottomless despair, defeat and disbelief. That look of nothing left to lose. "What's wrong Kid?" Automatically Jimmy reached for the alarm-button, pressing it while trying to understand what was going on.

Kid just looked at him, the expression in his gaze worse than any blow he had ever received from the Kid. "What the fuck is wrong?" Jimmy asked once again, but he knew he wouldn't get any answer.

Kid closed his eyes and groaned. His left hand grabbing for support as he tried to get up from the bed.

"Go, just go!" Kid grunted. Trying to get away from Lou's hand that held him down.

"What?" Lou looked at him, but he held his eyes closed. Then she turned to Jimmy and the hurt in the brown orbs had Jimmy wish Kid was all right so he could whack him for that statement. Jimmy recognized that tone of voice, that tone of dismissal. Kid had used it on him too, and it made you feel like you were nothing at all. Less than dirt.

But Noah intervened. With rapid steps he walked to the stretcher, looking at the monitors as he approached. "You awake Kid?"

Noah looked perplexed at him, following his gaze as it wandered over to where Jimmy and Lou were standing, bewilderment and shock making them both paralyzed. Noah nodded in their direction, telling them to do what Kid asked. Jimmy steered a shocked Lou out of the room. "Come on. Let Noah check him out!" He felt the tension in her body, the shock. "Please Lou."

He managed to maneuver her out of the room, casting a last glance at Noah inside, obviously talking to Kid, shaking his head at something Kid said, looking in their direction. Jimmy closed the door and held on to Lou.

Jimmy held on to Lou and rocked her in his lap. Kid must once again had gotten everything wrong, he must have seen the two standing close and immediately gotten it all wrong. Just so like him, jumping to conclusions, at least when it came to Lou. Hurting her once again. Jimmy had no idea what to say to comfort her, no idea whatsoever, but he needed to talk to the Kid. This time he would most definitely set him straight.

|Prologue||Chapter 1||Chapter 2||Chapter 3||Chapter 4||Chapter 5||Chapter 6||Chapter 7||Chapter 8||Chapter 9||Chapter 10|
|Chapter11||Chapter 12||Chapter 13||Chapter 14*||Chapter 15||Chapter 16||Chapter 17||Chapter 18||Chapter 19||Chapter 20*|
|Chapter 21||Chapter 22||Chapter 23||Chapter 24||Chapter 25||Chapter 26||Chapter 27||Chapter 28||Chapter 29||Chapter 30|
|Chapter 31*||Chapter 32||Chapter 33||Chapter 34||Chapter 35||Chapter 36||Chapter 37||Chapter 38||Chapter 39||Chapter 40|