Hurting & Healing

by Christine Luland

Title: Hurting & Healing
By: Christine Luland
E-mail: cluland@hotmail.com 
Rating: R (Part 1 & 2) for a few swear words and mature content (issues of 
rape). Part 3 might be NC-17 if I can stop blushing while I write it.
Summary: C/D hurt, comfort, eventual romance. Cordelia is assaulted. Doyle 
helps her cope
Spoilers: Nothing important
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the evil Joss Whedon. But I think he 
should be charged with character abuse. Big, Cruel Meanie!!!! The song 
lyrics are from She (Tous Les Visages de L'Amour). Words by Charles 
Aznavour and Herbert Kretzmer
Feedback: Please?????
Dedicated: To Andrea, Happy Birthday Sweetie! Now write me that story!!!

************

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
Me I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She, she, she

**********************

It seemed like an easy night, no visions, no new demons to face, just a card 
game with my buddies down at the pub. It was after midnight when I entered 
my apartment and locked the door. Smiling to myself as I threw my winnings 
on the dresser, I made mental plans to stop at the new coffeehouse around 
the corner from the office tomorrow morning. Cordelia loved their mochas 
even though she rarely allowed herself one. She claimed calorie content but 
I knew things were still tight for her and four-dollar coffees weren't a 
treat she could have regularly. But her favorite banana nut muffin and a 
mocha would be just the thing to lift her from her usual Monday morning 
blues. And I loved to see her smile.

I woke up about three, this feeling of something being horribly wrong 
running through my veins. Sleep was impossible after that. I'd no sooner 
start to doze off then the feeling would surge again. Something was wrong 
but unlike my usual visions, I couldn't get a handle on what it was. I was 
almost tempted to call Angel but what was I going to say? "Angel, something 
bad is happening. I don't know who or where but it's happening now. Go 
find it." He's good, but not that good.

On sleep deprived autopilot I walked into the office around nine, mocha and 
muffin in hand. At the sight of Cordelia's empty chair that bad feeling 
changed to outright fear. "Angel, where's Cordelia?"

"She left a message on the machine. Said she felt sick and was going to 
take the day off to rest," he explained as he walked in the room. "Probably 
a good idea, you wouldn't want to catch a cold would you? Sneezing could 
make life difficult."

"Yeah a cold," I replied, not reassured at all. "She probably was out too 
late on her date last night. Oh God..." As I said the words the vision I 
had expected all night finally came. A flash of strong hands gripping a 
woman's throat, the sight and sound of ripping fabric, Cordelia's terrified 
face..."

"No," I said to myself as the implications struck. "Angel, she's in 
trouble. I've gotta get over there." Leaving a confused Angel behind I 
tore out of the office and into the garage where I grabbed the keys to 
Angel's car and high-tailed it to Cordelia's place.

I cursed every light and intersection on the short drive to her apartment. 
Pulling into the unused parking space assigned to her unit, I kept praying 
that I was wrong. That she was okay. Hell, as much as it would suck, I was 
even willing to find her lounging in bed with her date from the night 
before. She'd be pissed at me for barging in but at least she'd be okay.

The door to the apartment swung open as I bounded up the steps. Not a good 
sign. "Cordelia?" I called out as I entered the apartment. "Are you okay?" 
I stepped carefully over a purse that had been carelessly dropped in the 
middle of the living room floor as I slowly crossed to her closed bedroom 
door. Once again the door opened without any help. "Something's wrong, 
isn't it Dennis?" I asked the spirit. "Our Cordy's in trouble."

I'd been in Cordelia's place a number of times and I knew she wasn't the 
neatest when it came to her bedroom. Closets were for shoes and the nearest 
piece of furniture would work to store clothes, so there were always some 
articles of clothing scattered around. But something about the trail of 
clothing that led to the bathroom door bothered me. I picked up a scrap of 
blue silk and froze as the image of ripping material from my vision flashed 
before my eyes. It was the same piece.

I could hear the shower running as I approached the bathroom door. "Cordy?" 
I said as I knocked. "It's Doyle. I'm gonna come in. I just want to make 
sure you're okay."

Entering the bathroom, I could tell by the condensation on the mirror that 
it had once been hot and steamy, now it was just cold and damp. "Cordelia?" 
Tentatively I put my hand on the frosted shower door. Taking a deep 
breath I tried to prepare myself for the worst as I open the door.
"Oh Christ..." Ignoring the icy cold spray, I reached in and turned the 
faucet off, all the while keeping my eyes on Cordelia as she huddled on the 
floor in the corner of the shower stall. One eye was blackened and her lips 
were blue from the frigid water. A matching set of handprints circled her 
neck. But what was worse, what made me close my eyes for a second and pray 
for strength, were the bite marks on her breasts and the purple bruises I 
could see on her thighs as I pulled her to her feet.

She collapsed against me as I reached blindly behind me for a robe, a towel, 
anything to wrap around her and warm her. From a place beyond my reach her 
robe floated over and settled around her shoulders. "Thanks Dennis," I 
muttered as I picked her up in my arms and brought her to the bedroom.
Placing her on the bed I wrapped her in as many blankets as I could and then 
pulled her into my arms. "Dennis, get the phone." Within seconds the phone 
came sailing through the air. I grabbed it and quickly dialed 9-1-1. It 
seemed like forever before I heard the operator answer. "911. What is the 
nature of your emergency?"

"My friend has been beaten pretty badly. I'm pretty sure she was..." I 
paused, unable to bring myself to say the word. "She was assaulted."

"Is she conscious?"

"No, not really. Please send someone quickly. We're at the Pierson Arms, 
2815 Henderson, Apartment 3."

"A unit is being dispatched. They should be there in five minutes."

I clicked the phone off and dropped it. Wrapping my arms tightly around 
her, I buried my face in her wet hair. "Oh Cordy, I'm so sorry. It'll be 
okay though, I promise you."

The five minutes it took for the ambulance to get there seemed like forever. 
Finally I heard them enter the apartment. Gathering my fragile burden; I 
met them in the leaving room.

They took her from me as I tried to explain what I thought happened. 
Working quickly, they examined Cordelia's injuries. "She's extremely cold," 
one stated. "Why?"

"She was on the floor of the shower when I got here. The water was like 
ice. I don't know how long she'd been like that."

"Okay, she's in shock. We're going to take her to Mercy Hospital. You can 
meet us there."

Helplessly I watched them wheel the stretcher out the door. I wanted 
nothing more then to be with her, but at the same time I knew I had to let 
the professionals do their job. My indecision was interrupted when the 
phone rang. "Yeah?" I bit out as I put it to my ear.

"Doyle? Is everything okay? You lit out of here so fast..."

I sighed and rested my head against the wall next to the phone. "No, it's 
not alright Angel. She's hurt bad."

"What happened?" he asked, fear filling his voice. I knew he cared for her 
as much as I did.

"That date she had last night? I guess he couldn't take no for an answer."

There was silence for several seconds as Angel thought over my explanation. 

"You mean..."

"Yeah," I said softly. "She's in shock. The ambulance just left. They're 
taking her to Mercy Hospital. Meet me there okay?"

"I will." Angel paused, "Doyle, she'll be okay. We'll make sure of it."

I took a ragged breath. "I hope so."

***********

Mercy Hospital was in the usual state of chaos you would find in any big 
city hospital. By the time I found someone who knew what was going on Angel 
had arrived by way of the city's tunnels.

A young woman doctor led us into a small room and closed the door. She 
glanced quickly at the chart she held in her hands. "Are you gentlemen 
related to Miss Chase?"

"We're her friends," I began quickly, "and the closest thing to family she 
has in L.A."

"I'm sorry but I really can't release patient information to any one except 
family."

I tensed, prepared to grab the doctor by the collar and demand to know how 
Cordelia was. Angel put a calming hand on my shoulder and spoke to the 
doctor earnestly. "Look, say I'm her brother or something. But there's no 
one else Cordelia can call."

The doctor nodded in understanding, "Okay then, your sister received a 
pretty severe beating. Two of her ribs are broken. Her throat is bruised 
and she has a concussion from a blow to the head. When she was brought in 
her body temperature was several degrees lower then normal. Her chart says 
she was found in the shower?"

"I found her there. The water was ice cold."

"In a way it makes sense." The doctor paused before continuing. "She was 
raped."

"I thought so, I had hoped not but..." My voice trailed off as my eyes 
filled with tears. Brushing aside Angel's comforting hand I walked to the 
window and stared out through a crack in the closed blinds. Behind me the 
doctor continued speaking to Angel.

"We completed a rape kit but I'll be honest, we didn't get much. She said 
he had a condom and the shower washed away what little else there was. But 
we've given her a prescription for the morning after pill just in case, as 
well as some antibiotics for any STD's we can treat now. She's going to 
need to come in every six months for an HIV test for the next two years." 

The doctor stopped speaking. I guess she could tell that Angel was getting 
overwhelmed. "Listen, here's the name and number of the local rape crisis 
center. They'll be able to help her."

I heard Angel take the card and thank the doctor. Turning to face them I 
made a conscious effort to control my raging emotions. "Can I see her? 
Please?"

The doctor put her hand on my arm. "She's going to need you to be strong."

It was both a statement and a question. "I know. I'll be okay."

The doctor led us through the busy ER to a quiet, semi-private room at the 
end of a hall. Through the glass and half-drawn curtain I could see 
Cordelia lying small and broken on the bed.

"We're going to be moving her to a room on a regular floor in a bit. We'd 
like to keep her overnight in order to keep an eye on that concussion. 
She's sleeping now, but you can sit with her if you'd like."

We mumbled our thanks as the doctor turned and walked away. "Listen," I 
said to Angel, "can you get me a cup of coffee?" I laughed bitterly. "I 
didn't sleep well. I kept thinking something was wrong."

Angel disappeared without a word and I entered the room. Reaching the bed I 
pulled over a nearby chair and sat down. Taking her hand in mine I slowly 
ran my thumb over the back of her fingers. Angel soon returned with coffee 
and took up a silent vigil of his own on the opposite side of the bed.
About an hour later Cordelia began to stir, trapped in a nightmare. "Hey," 
I said as I gave her hand a squeeze. "Cordelia, wake up. It's okay now." 
Pulling her hand from mine she tried to sit upright, groaning as the pain 
from her broken ribs hit her. Angel and I were on our feet in an instant, 
gently supporting her and helping her lie back down.

"Doyle? Angel?"

"Yeah darlin, we're here." My heart broke as her eyes filled with tears and 
she began to weep bitterly. I motioned Angel back as I perched carefully on 
the side of the bed. With one hand I took hold of her hand while I gently 
brushed her tangled hair off her face with the other. "It's okay, " I 
whispered. "Cry it out. It'll make you feel better."

"It'll never feel better," she said sadly. I wanted to argue with her but I 
could understand how she was feeling. Instead, I settled for grabbing a 
tissue and gently wiping away her tears.

"I want to go home," she stated after a while.

"Cordelia, you can't." This came from Angel as he moved out of his dark 
corner. "They want to keep an eye on your concussion."

"Angel, they're just going to wake me up every hour. After all the knocks 
on the head Giles took you think I don't know the routine? You can do the 
same thing at my place. Please?" she pleaded. "I hate hospitals."

Fortunately I was saved from replying by the doctor's entrance. "Cordelia, 
how are you feeling?"

"Like hell," she said with a small bitter smile. "But I want to go home. 
Now."

"Cordelia, I'm not sure that's such...

"A good idea. I know. So sign me out AMA and I'll be on my way." Slowly 
she pulled herself up into a sitting position and swung her legs over the 
side of the bed. "Angel and Doyle can check up on me tonight."

The doctor looked at Angel and I as we shrugged helplessly. "Okay, I'll 
sign you out but you have to promise me that someone will stay with you 
tonight."

"Not a problem, doc." I quickly interjected.

The doctor nodded. "Okay then, I don't suppose either of you gentlemen 
thought to bring Cordelia a change of clothes? I didn't think so," she said 
as our faces fell. Turning to Cordelia she took her hand. "I have a pair 
of sweats in my locker if you'd like to borrow them. They're clean. In 
theory I'm supposed to work out on my lunch hour. Unfortunately my last 
lunch hour was about six months ago."

"That would be nice," Cordelia said as she fingered the drab hospital gown.

"No problem. I'll be right back."

Angel and I were quickly chased from the room as the doctor returned and 
began to help Cordelia dress. We stood in the corner of the hallway as I 
fumbled in my pocket for the car keys. "The sun's set. Could you please go 
get the car?" I held up my shaking hands. "I don't think I'm in the best 
shape to drive right now."

"Of course." He took the keys and turned to go down the hallway. "Oh 
hell." Grabbing hold of me, he gave me a quick, hard hug. "Doyle, she's 
going to be okay. It's going to take awhile but she'll be okay. We'll help 
her."

"I know, now go get the car." I said as Cordelia emerged from her room in a 
wheelchair pushed by the doctor.

*********

When we got to Cordelia's apartment I hurried around to her side of the car 
and lifted her into my arms.

"Doyle! What are you doing?"

"I've had a few broken ribs of my own. I know moving hurts like hell. So 
just stay still. Let me carry you." She didn't argue, just rested her head 
against my shoulder and put her arm around my neck. I was glad she didn't 
fight me because then I would have had to admit that the real reason I 
carried her was that I didn't want to let go of her ever again.

We entered the apartment and I tried to set her down gently on the sofa. 

"No. My room, please? I want to put my own clothes on."

Without saying anything I changed directions and took her to her bedroom. 
Carefully depositing her on the bed I went to her closet. "What do you 
want? I'll get it."

She closed her eyes for a second before speaking. "There's a blue denim 
shirt on the top rack and a pair of gray sweatpants on the bottom shelf. 
Could you bring them to me please?"

I quickly found what she asked for and turned back to the bed. "Hey, where 
are you going?" I asked as I stopped her from standing up.

"I need underwear."

"Cordelia, which drawer?"

"Second one down," she admitted. "And don't paw around too much."

A half-smile crossed my face at this small sign of the spunky Cordelia of 
only the day before. "I wouldn't dream of it." I quickly grabbed a 
delicate piece of silk and handed them to her. As I turned to leave the 
room and allow her privacy to change she spoke, causing me to freeze in 
mid-step.

"Doyle?"

"Yes Cordelia?"

"You're right, it really does hurt to move. Would you please help me 
change?"

I caught my breath at this sign of her trust in me. Oh God, I thought to 
myself, don't let me fuck this up. "Of course sweetheart, whatever you 
need." I returned to the bed and sat down behind her. "How about this? 
We'll do the shirt first?"

She nodded, and began to slowly pull her arms from the sleeves of the 
sweatshirt. When they were finally free I carefully pulled the shirt over 
her head, exposing the smooth skin of her back and the thick bandages that 
bound her ribs. Grabbing the denim shirt I held it as she slipped her arms 
in and pulled it closed in order to button it. When she was done I stood 
and gently helped her to her feet.

"Trust me?" I asked as a way of getting permission to proceed.

She nodded once again and I knelt in front of her. Carefully I reached up 
under her shirt for the waistband of the borrowed sweatpants and slowly slid 
them down over her long legs. Placing cool hands on my shoulders for 
balance she gracefully stepped out of them. I grabbed the panties from the 
bed and held them out for Cordelia to step into. She did and I carefully 
averted my eyes as I raised the material up her legs and over her hips. I 
tried to repeat the same actions with her sweatpants but my eyes drifted for 
a second and were caught by the sight of the bruises on her thighs as they 
appeared just below of the hem of her shirt. Without thinking, I stopped 
and ran my fingers over them. "Oh Cordy," I whispered, "I'm so sorry."
I felt her tense and I quickly continued pulling up the sweatpants. When I 
stood up, there were tears leaking from beneath her closed eyelids. I 
thought for a second about what she probably needed and what I knew I 
needed. Finally I took her in my arms. She remained rigid for several 
seconds before slowly relaxing against me. As I tried to run my fingers 
through her hair they quickly got tangled. "Okay sweetheart, how about I 
get your hairbrush and we'll do something about this?" I asked softly.
I could barely feel her nod of agreement against my shoulder. As I let her 
go in order to search for her hairbrush it appeared by my side courtesy of 
Dennis. Sitting down on the bed I leaned back against the headboard. 
Cordelia sat down with her back to me and I began the slow, careful process 
of brushing her hair.

Cordelia's eyes were closed and she never noticed Angel come to the door and 
look in anxiously. He nodded silently as I motioned him away with a sharp 
movement of my head. A few minutes later I heard the soft sounds of a jazz 
station come on as he turned on the radio.

Finally I put the brush down on the nightstand. "You should get some sleep 
now," I said quietly. Cordelia turned and I suddenly felt myself drowning 
in the sorrow reflected in her eyes. "Oh, lass..." I said as I placed a 
tender kiss on her forehead. I was stunned when she lifted her lips to meet 
mine. For a second my spirits soared as my favorite dream came to life. 
But reality crashed in a mere moment later when she tried to deepen the 
kiss. I pulled away, my breathing ragged. "Cor, princess, stop. Please?"

She dropped her head onto my shoulder, embarrassed. "But why?" she asked. 
"I thought you wanted this? Wanted me?"

I took a deep breath as I thought about what to say, knowing what I said 
next was probably the most important thing I'd ever say in my life. 

"Sweetheart I do. More then you can imagine. But you're hurting right now 
and not just physically. I don't want to add to that hurt. When, if 
anything happens between you and I it'll be for the right reasons, not 
because you're looking to forget." I could feel her silent tears soaking my 
shirt. Felling helpless I wrapped her in my arms and held her tightly.

"This changes everything doesn't it?"

"It doesn't have to," I replied as I tipped her head up to face me. 
"Nothing's changed about how I feel. I still think you're an incredibly 
beautiful woman that I would love to know better."

She tipped her head back down into my neck and whispered so softly I had to 
strain to hear her. "How can you think that? I feel so dirty. Like this 
was all my fault somehow."

I started to get angry then. I could only imagine what she was going to 
tell me, probably the same line of bullshit the bastard that did this to her 
said. "Cordelia," I said fiercely, "none of this is your fault. I don't 
care what you wore or how much this jerk says he spent on dinner. Hell, he 
could have flown you to Paris for dinner and it wouldn't have mattered. If 
you said no, at any point, he should have stopped."

"That's what I keep trying to tell myself but..."

"No buts. That's all there is to it."

"Okay." She was silent for a while, curled carefully into my chest. 
"Doyle?"

I made a soft noise to let her know I was listening and she continued, 
"Would you stay here with me tonight. I don't think I want to be alone. 
Could you just hold me?"

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere, Cor." Carefully we shifted position 
until we were lying comfortably on the bed. We had settled like spoons, 
Cordelia's back to me, with my body wrapped protectively around her. As I 
pushed her long hair away from my face I exposed the smooth skin of her 
neck. Unable to help myself, I pressed my lips to her skin.

"Doyle? What are you doing?"

 "Just relax sweetheart. Nothing's going to happen. It was just too 
tempting to pass up," I said with what I hoped was a small laugh. I had 
taken a chance doing that but I wanted to prove to her that my feelings 
about her hadn't changed. That I still found her desirable.

"I wish..."

"Wish what?" I prompted as my hand began to trace a gentle path up and down 
her arm. I could feel her body trembling and I braced myself for whatever 
she was about to say.

"I'd never been with anyone before. That was my first time. I wish it 
could have been with someone special, someone like you."

Oh just shred my heart a little smaller I thought to myself. I propped my 
head up on my hand and shifted our positions until she was facing me. "Oh 
Cor, what happened to you. That doesn't count. That's not making love. 
That was violence and brutality and about as far from true intimacy as you 
can get. I promise you, someday, when you're ready, you'll see what the 
difference is."

"And you'll be there?" she asked shyly.

"Luv, I'd be honored." I followed that statement with a quick kiss on her 
lips, pleased when she smiled in return. "Now why don't you get some 
sleep?"

She nodded in agreement and we snuggled together again. I resumed my gentle 
stroking of her arm and soon felt her relax as she drifted off to sleep. 
Angel came in a few minutes later to check on her. I assured him that she 
had only just fallen asleep and that she was okay. After making him promise 
to check on her in an hour I chased him out of the room and finally allowed 
my own exhaustion to claim me.


Title: Hurting & Healing (3/3)  Sorry about that title misspelling, :) 
By: Christine Luland 
E-mail: cluland@hotmail 
Rating: NC-17 for a love scene, a few swear words and mature content (issues of rape). 
Summary: C/D hurt, comfort, eventual romance.  Cordelia is a victim of date rape.  Doyle helps
her cope 
Spoilers: Nothing important.  In my happy little world (located on the Left Bank of the River
Denial) Episode 9 WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!!! 
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the evil Joss Whedon.  But I think he should be charged
with character abuse.  Big, Cruel Meanie!!!! 
Feedback:  Please????? 
Dedicated: To Andrea, Happy Birthday sweetie!  Now write me that story!!! 


The months passed and slowly Cordelia healed.  She was different though, softer, more
considerate and accepting of other people.  In the beginning she spent a lot of time at the
crisis center, talking things over with the women there.  But as the months went by she began to
spend time there as a volunteer instead of a victim.  The time between auditions lengthened
until she finally stopped going altogether.  I guess the final sign of the change in Cordelia
was the day she arrived in the office loaded down with admissions information for UCLA. 

Business picked up and we were no longer struggling to make ends meet.  Kate found out Angel was
a vampire and that there really are monsters in the dark.  She was shocked at first.  And
angry.  Despite her protests, Cordelia and I both swore she shot Angel on purpose three weeks
later as they chased a Malkani demon, a small revenge for dashing her romantic hopes.  But as
time passed she adjusted to the limits on their relationship and became an important part of our
little family of misfits. 

Cordelia and I settled into a comfortable routine as roommates that just happened to share
sleeping space.  But I was happy.  Happy to watch her study, happy to argue with her over whose
turn it was to cook dinner, happy to hold her as she slept.  But I still hoped that someday she
would be ready for more. 

Kate, Angel, Cordelia and I had settled into a routine of meeting on Friday nights at Good
Times, my favorite sports bar.  I'd managed to teach them the rudiments of darts which in turn
led to many hours of laughter and a lot of spilled beer.  One Friday night in January, Angel and
I arrived late; delayed by a random vampire that refused to be staked. 

They were deep in conversation as we arrived.  Kate speaking earnestly, and Cordelia nodding in
understanding.  They looked up as we approached and stopped speaking.  Kate took hold of
Cordelia's hand and squeezed it.  "Remember what I told you." 

Cordelia smiled tentatively.  "I will." 

"Remember what?" I asked as I slid into the booth next to Cordelia and took her hand. 

"Nothing important.  Just some information for my psych class." 

"Psych class?  Are you going to start profiling demons now?"  I cringed as Angel poured us each
a beer.  "Remind me to be out of town when your first paper is due." 

Kate laughed, "Why Doyle?  Afraid of what she'll say about you?" 

"No, afraid she'll ask me to type it." 

We all laughed and moved onto the dart game.  But I could tell that Cordelia had something on
her mind.  Several times I caught her biting her lip, deep in contemplation of the ice in her
glass. 

"Are you okay?" I asked as we left the bar and headed towards the car Cordelia had recently
leased.  "You seem like there's something bothering you." 

"I'm okay."  She tucked her hand into the crook of my arm and rested her head on my shoulder. 
"I just have some stuff on my mind." 

"Anything I can do?" 

"No, not now.  This is something I need to work out for myself."  Pulling her keys out of her
pocket, she handed them to me.  "Drive me home?" 

She was silent for the short ride home.  I wasn't surprised when she quietly said she was going
to get ready for bed.  I waited anxiously in the darkened living room, uncertain of what I
should do. 

"Doyle?" 

"I don't think I'm ready for bed yet," I said as I turned around.  "Oh..." I breathed, "You look
lovely." 

Cordelia smiled tentatively as her fingers toyed with the sash of the short silk robe she wore. 
"You like it?" 

"It's beautiful.  You're beautiful."  As I spoke Cordelia slowly crossed the room and took my
hands.  Staring down at our entwined hands she spoke softly.  "I don't want to be afraid
anymore." 

I tipped her chin up and stared into the deep brown eyes I had grown to love.  "You're sure?" I
asked.  "Cause if you're doing this because you think I want it then we shouldn't.  Cause I
don't." 

Her face reddened in embarrassment and she started to pull away.  "I'm sorry, I thought..." 

"Oh God, I'm such an ass."  Reaching out I grabbed her arm and pulled her back against me. 
"Sweetheart that didn't come out right.  Come here.  Let's talk for a minute."  Dragging a
reluctant Cordelia behind me, I headed over to the couch and sat.  With a gentle tug I pulled
Cordelia down and settled her in my lap, wrapping my arms around her.  "Cor, wasn't what I meant
to say.  I guess what I wanted to ask is if you're really ready.  Don't think that I'm going to
lose interest in you just because we haven't made love.  I just want you to want me as much as I
do truly want you." 

"And I do," she whispered into my neck. 

I smiled and tipped her face up for a kiss.  "Well then, can we forget I stuck my foot in my
mouth?  I'd much rather be nibbling on something else right now."  To prove it, I leaned over
until I caught her earlobe between my teeth.  She giggled and pulled out of my arms. 

Standing just out of my reach, she beckoned me to follow.  Without saying a word I did.  I
stopped short when I entered the bedroom.  Candles glowed on every available surface and soft
music played in the background.  After several seconds I recognized Enya's "Watermark".  "Nice
music," I said as I watched the glow of candlelight on Cordelia's skin. 

"I know it's silly.  But I thought..." 

I cut off her words by taking her in my arms and kissing her softly.  "It's perfect," I
whispered against her lips.  She responded by wrapping her arms around my neck and molding her
body against mine.  The kiss deepened and I took the time to learn the feel and taste of her. 
I'd kissed her many times over the last year, but they were chaste, gentle, affectionate
kisses.  Now I finally felt able to put all the passion I felt for her into a kiss.  Cordelia
whimpered quietly into my mouth as her hands slipped around my neck and her fingers ran through
my hair. 

Long minutes passed as our lips dueled.  Finally I pulled my lips away from hers and rested my
head against her shoulder.  "Wow." 

"Wow yourself," Cordelia said as her fingers moved up to the buttons on my shirt.  "I've wanted
to do that for a long time." 

"Really?" I asked as I slid my hands up and down her silk covered back.  I was trying
desperately to ignore the heat I could feel building as Cordelia slowly undid the buttons of my
shirt.  "What stopped you?" 

"I guess I was just afraid of changing things between us.  But then Kate and I talked tonight. 
And I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of."  As she said that she pulled my shirt
out from my pants and pushed it off my shoulders.  I shuddered as her cool hands touched my bare
skin. 

"You don't need to be afraid of me.  And as for this," I said as my hands untied the sash of her
silk robe.  "This is nothing to be afraid of.  This is me," I kissed her. "Showing you," I
pushed the robe off her shoulders. "Exactly how much," my hands slid up her bare arms.  "I love
you." 

Cordelia stopped suddenly and lifted luminous eyes to face me.  "You love me?" 

I brought my hand up and rested it against her face.  "With all my heart." 

"Oh.  You never said after that one time...I wasn't sure." 

"I do." 

She kissed me then and smiled a brilliant smile.  "And I love you to." 

After that there was no need for words, only soft caresses and smoldering kisses.  Slowly I
edged backwards until I felt the edge of the bed behind my knees.  Wrapping my arms around her,
I fell back unto the bed.  Cordelia squeaked in surprise at her new position but quickly
adjusted as I slid my mouth down her neck and across her collarbone. 

"That feels nice." 

"I'm glad," I said as I reluctantly pulled my lips away.  "Cor, sweetheart, I need to get a
little more comfortable."  She looked at me with a confused expression in her eyes.  I pulled a
hand away from her back and gestured at my pants.  "They're just a little uncomfortable now
princess." 

"Oh," she said as her face reddened.  Rising to her feet she held out a hand to me.  I took it
and stood up next to the bed, frowning in confusion when she slipped past me and slid under the
blankets.  "Silly...Get comfortable and come join me," she said as the held the blankets up in
invitation. 

"Sorry, all the excitement...I get a little dense sometimes."  I quickly shed my pants and slid
under the covers next to her.  "Now where were we?" I asked as my lips returned to the soft skin
of her neck.  Slowly I let my lips travel down her neck to the swell of her breasts where they
lie hidden under the silk of her negligee.  "Oh Cor," I whispered as a slowly pushed the thin
strap of silk aside.  "Let me see you." 

Pushing herself up into a seated position Cordelia slowly pulled the silk nightie over her head
and then lay back down next me.  She blushed ever so faintly as I tenderly slid my hand over her
bare skin.  "Oh, you are so beautiful." 

Still moving slowly, I returned my lips to the skin of her breasts.  Ever so gently I moved my
lips over them.  Slowly letting her become used to the feel of this intimate contact.  She
shuddered softly as my hand traced a path down her side and onto the satin skin of her thigh. 
As my hand slipped down and over the dark curls at the junction of her thighs I returned my lips
to her face.  Carefully I placed soft kisses over her closed eyelids.  "Princess, do you want me
to stop?  I don't want to hurt you." 

Her arms wrapped around me and pulled my body down onto hers.  "No, don't stop.  Please," she
whispered.  "This is wonderful..." 

I smiled as her voice trailed off.  "Okay.  Just trust me.  I'd never hurt you."  Slowly I slid
my hand down between her legs and gently slid a finger between her delicate folds.  She
shuddered and pushed against me.  "Shush," I murmured as I kissed her.  "All in good time." 

Long moments passed as I gently stroked her sensitive core.  I was concentrating so much on the
feel of her body moving against mine that I was momentarily surprised when I felt Cordelia's
hands push at my boxers.  Lifting my weight I helped her push them off.  Settling back down on
the bed I gasped as Cordelia took me in her hands.  "Oh sweetheart," I breathed. 

"Doyle, please...I want..." Cordelia panted breathlessly. 

I moved my body over hers and slowly lowered myself until we touched skin to skin, heat to
heat.  With one slow push I felt myself slide into her warm, moist heat.  I held still, allowing
her to get used to the feel of me.  "I love you," I said as I rained small kisses down on her
face. 

Cordelia opened her eyes and smiled at me.  "Show me," she said as she slid her arms up my back
and pulled me against her.  Smiling, I began to move slowly, enjoying the feel of her wrapped
around me so intimately. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I could hear Cordelia's breathing quicken and feel her
muscles tightening around me.  I gasped and quickened the rhythm of my movements.  She shuddered
in climax against me and I followed, collapsing against her. 

We were silent for several minutes, enjoying the new intimacy between us.  Rolling onto my back,
I pulled Cordelia close and wrapped my arms around her.  "I love you," I repeated. 

"And I love you.  For this and for everything you've done for me this year.  I never would have
made it without you." 

"Well I'm glad I was here to help.  Glad that you let me."  I brushed her hair back and kissed
her forehead. 

"It's hard for me to accept help.  But somehow I could never say no to you."  Cordelia smiled
and ran her hand down my chest.  "You're pretty persistent." 

"Only when it really matters."  I could feel her relaxing against me and I kissed her forehead
once again.  "Go to sleep now." 

"Hold me?" 

"I'll never let go," I promised. 

~fin~