Ice Cream Does the Darndest Things by Collie E-Mail: PrettyParanoia@aol.com Feedback: Sure. Send me some love. Disclaimer: Not mine. They're Joss's. Bow down. Archiving: Free for all. If you want it, just let me know. Author's Note: This fic is a respose to the challange proposed by Anne-Marie Cullum. It involves: 1) "You are such a fool" remarks Doyle with his wonderful sneer 2) Cordelia must overhear Doyle's rant and be appropriately pleased and she needs to demonstrate her happiness! 3) Cordelia must say at some point "You are the man!" 4) Ice cream of some kind 5) a cold shower 6) a shovel (preferably for smacking Xander) Cordelia yelped and jumped back as Xander lunged at her, fangs bared. Doyle grunted and swung the shovel hard, wincing at the jarring pain in his arms as it connected solidly with the back of the vampire's head. Xander's attempt thwarted, he fell to the ground with a groan, rolling onto his stomach, growling as he struggled to get back up. Doyle glared down at the vampire, smashing the handle end of the shovel against the wall, breaking it to a sharp point. "You stupid idiot! How could ya ever let this one go?" He gestured to Cordelia, continuing his rant, "She's the best thing that could have ever happened to you, and you mucked it all up! You are such a fool." Doyle sneered and brought the impromptu shovel-stake down through Vampire-Xander's heart, shaking his head in disgust as the creature exploded into dust. "Ew! Ew, ew! I never, -ever- wanted to see that again! Yuck! Vampire-Xander. As if it wasn't bad enough seeing his mortal face.." Cordelia whined, making a face as she stepped delicately over the ashes of what was Xander's otherworldly doppleganger, "I mean, once was enough, but I guess if Willow's evil twin could try to kill me in this world, why not Xander's right?" She stopped in front of Doyle, smiling up at him. He dropped the shovel-stake and nodded quickly, "Oh, right. Absolutely." He smiled and shifted akwardly on his feet as she watched his face. He blinked and glanced back at her, feeling slightly embarassed at by her adoring eyes, "Cordy.. why are you starin' at me?" Cordelia broke into a grin, throwing her arms around Doyle, surprising him to the point of almost knocking them both over, "Doyle, you are the man! Thank you so much!" Doyle smiled and wraped his arms around her waist, grinning proudly, "'eh, t'wasn't nothin', Cordy. I'm sure anyone would have done the same -- well, anyone that didn't go screamin' into the night after seein' him all fanged-out like that -- but you know what I mean.." She cut him off with a small peck to the lips, stepping back and smiling, "Doyle, you know what I want?" His eyes widened and he stammered, "Uh.. uh.. um.." She rolled her eyes and swatted at him, "Get your mind out of the gutter, Horn-Dog. No, I want some ice-cream. Can we go down to that little place on the corner and get some?" She smiled up at him through batting lashes. He groaned inwardly, feeling his heart swell. "Of course, Princess. How could I refuse you anything?" He smiled down at her and grabbed her purse off the ground where it had been flung during the Vampire-Xander attack. He handed it to her, then opened the door, leading her out of the agency, hand on the small of her back. They walked through the door to Cordelia's apartment about a half an hour later, laughing at one thing or another, half eaten ice-cream cones in their hands. Cordelia's voice rang out, strained with laughter, "So then, Xander tried to unbutton my sweater and ended up ripping off two of the buttons, and I was all, 'God, Xander! If you can't do it, maybe you should just leave and I'll masturbate! At least I'll derive SOME pleasure from that!'" Doyle's laugh rang out, joined by Cordy's as they set their stuff down on Cordy's end table, both plopping down on the soft couch cushions, laughter slowing as they worked on their ice-cream. Doyle smiled at his ice-cream cone, glancing sideways at Cordelia who was slowly licking her's. He chewed at his lower lip as he watched her tongue slide along the cool ice-cream, over and over, steady and firm. Suddenly, it stopped. He glanced up and meet her eyes. One elegant eyebrow arched, "Doyle, what are you doing?" His eyes widened, "Uh.. n-nothing at all. I was, uh, just looking to see if my, uh, wallet was on the table." He glanced at the table, and sure enough, there it was. He sighed inwardly in relief, "So, yeah.. I'm just gonna grab it--" He reached across her, misjudging the space between her and her ice-cream cone, and accidentally knocked it from her hand. He watched as the world seemed to gear into slow motion, chocolate ice-cream smearing all over her neck and collarbone, sliding down along her white tank top. She squeaked in horror, jumping up quickly -- knocking Doyle to the floor at the same time, "Doyle! Ahhh! Look what you did!" He quickly jumped to his feet, glancing around for tissues ot napkins -- anything. None. "Uh.. oh! Wait, I know!" He grabbed her by the hand, dragging her off in the direction of the bathroom. Cordelia sensed his plan and struggled, "Oh no you don't! Doyle, don't even turn on that shower. If you know what's good for you, you'll--" Her sentence was cut short at the closing and locking of the bathroom door and the hissing spray as the water hit the tile. She pressed her lips together, crossing her arms against the brown stain on her chest, "Well, if you think you're going to stay in here while I shower, you've--" And again, she was cut off as he tilted her chin up, his warm tongue gently licking away the chocolate ice-cream from her neck. She closed her eyes and smiled, lowering her arms to run them along the inside of his unbuttoned shirt, "Well.. if you insist.." He chuckled softly against her throat, nipping gently at the skin, "Oh, but you know I'd never force myself upon ya, Princess. It's all up to you.." He moved lower, suck softly on her collarbone, moving his hands slowly along her hips, up under her shirt, his warm fingers against her chilled skin sending tingles along her spine. "Oh, Doyle.. we're, uh.. wearing too many clothes for the shower, you know.." She giggled softly, then inhaled sharply as her jeans were suddenly pooled around her feet. He grinned against her breastbone, placing a soft kiss on the skin, "Strange, I was thinking just that." He stood back up as she stepped out of her jeans. He fingered the hem of her soiled tank top, 'tsk'ing, "Pity. It looks like this will have to be washed immediately." He smirked as she raised her arms over her head, her eyes gleaming as she stared at him. He slowly pulled the shirt over her head, quirking a brow as he saw that she was bare underneath, "Why, Cordelia.. no bra?" He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes playfully, "It was hot." He just smiled, running his fingers along the side-swells of her breasts, taking a deep breath as her nipples responded to his touch, puckering and hardening under his gaze. She whimpered softly, raising her hands to push his button-up off his shoulders, tugging up the hem of his undershirt, "No fair for only one of us to be shower-ready." She smiled impishly as he yanked the shirt up over his head, reaching for his belt. he paused, glacing at her with a rakish smile on his lips, "These too?" She nodded, hands on her hips, "Especially those." He nodded in return, unbuckling his belt, letting his pants drop. He reached for her waist, stepping out of the pants and kicking them aside. He pulled her suddenly against him, running his hands slowly along the perfect globes of her ass, his lips finding their way back to the sweet ice-cream on her neck. She hissed in delight, her hands running along his leanly muscled arms, "Doyle," She whispered. He layed one last kiss on her neck, his liping moving against the soft skin, "Yes, Princess?" She sighed softly, running her fingers down his torso, sliding them along the waistband of his boxers, "Let's get wet." He lifted his face, the grin on his lips matching her's. He nodded, reaching over to slide her panties down as she returned the favor. He pulled the shower curtian aside and gestured, "After you, Princess." She smirked and stepped in, groaning as the warm water poured over her cold, sticky flesh. She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair, smiling as the water doused every inch of her. The smile broke into a grin as she felt warm, strong hands sliding across her stomach, slick with soap. She opened her eyes, watching as Doyle worked at cleaning her of the ice-cream. She placed her hands on his, stopping them. He glanced at her questioningly, as she leaned in, pressing her lips to his earlobe, whispering, "I liked it better when you cleaned me with your tongue." She took his earlobe between his teeth and suckled it, delighting at his groan of pleasure. Suddenly, she found herself pressed against the cold, wet wall tiles, Doyle's hands pinning her arms above her head. He gazed into her eyes, a firery passion smoldering to match the one that burned in her's. He leaned forward, flicking his tongue across her lips, moving them down before she could capture them in a kiss, his hands sliding along the skin of her arms and sides of her body maddeningly slow. He paused, flicking the tip of his tongue along her left nipple, causing her to hiss with pleasure, her hands winding themselves in his hair. He gripped her hips, his fingers kneading the flesh as his lips wrapped around her nipple, sucking it hard, his teeth grazing it gently. She leaned her head back against the shower wall, her lips parted slightly, her eyes closing as she whimpered softly under his ministrations. He kissed his way to her right breast, lavishing the same attention upon her nipple, the fingers of his hands gently stroking the flesh of her hips and thighs. His lips kissed their way southward, pausing to tongue the bit of water that had gathered in her belly button. She moaned softly, her hands pressing on the top of his head, urging him lower. He smiled against her skin, his fingers moving to stroke the velvet-soft skin of her opening. She gasped, pressing against his fingers, her own fingers tightening in his hair. He slowly parted her slick lips, his finger spreading spreading her moisture along her slit before slowly instering one, then two fingers. He suddenly realized her fingers were no longer in his hair, and he glanced upwards. Her fingers clutched and scrabbled at the slick walls, the look on her face one of pure, unadulterated lust. Lips parted, pink tongue barely peaking out, eyes closed, soft moans coming from her throat. He groaned softly, the mear look on her face and sounds she was making, getting him hard as a rock. He slowly rotated his fingers in her tight opening, thrusting them in and out gently as his thumb circled her clit. She let out a harsh groan, her hands back in his hair, urging his face towards her, "Please.. Doyle, please.." He inhaled her musky scent, having wanted nothing more in his life. He removed his fingers from her, gripped her hips once more, and slid his tongue slowly along her slit, groaning as he tasted her. He almost came on the spot. Her fingers tightened and relaxed in his hair, her moaning steady as he ran his tongue slowly along her opening, flicking it's tip across her clit, scraping at it with his teeth, sucking it hard. She pressed herself against his mouth, her legs trembling, "Oh God, Doyle!" She came with a scream, her legs giving out as he held her up, slowly sliding her down to kneel with him on the shower floor. He smiled and slid his hands up her stomach, running his palms across her breasts, teasing her aching nipples with his thumbs. He leaned forward and captured her mouth in a searing kiss, sliding his tongue along her bottom lip, then into her mouth. She groaned, tasting herself on his lips and tongue. She broke the kiss and placed her hands on his chest, gently pressing him backwards, "On your back, Doyle.." She whispered, smiling seductivly. His eyes gleamed as he obeyed, "As I said earlier -- how could I refuse you anything?" She smiled and moved on top of him, running her hands along his hairless chest; her nails grazing his nipples. He hooded his eyes, his hands running up her thighs, his voice low and husky with want, "So, are you going to tease me all day, or are we going to get -really- wet?" She grinned down at him, leaning to kiss him gently, "Oh, you'll get your's -- believe me." He grinned in return, stealing a kiss of his own, "Oh, Princess -- I do hope so." She sat back up, moving her hands down, slowly sliding her fingertips along his slippery shaft, making the barest contact possible. He hissed in pleasure, thrusting his hips upward. She chuckled softly, sliding her hand around his cock, slowly stroking him, "Actually, this teasing thing might prove to be fun." He groaned, his fingers digging into her thighs, "God, Cordy -- you're killin' me, here.." She giggled and moved over him, placing the head of his cock against her slit, slowly sliding it back and forth across her slick opening. His eyes popped open and bore into her's as he suddenly gripped her hips, pulling her down hard onto him. They both gasped loudly at the sudden penetration, and the insupposable pleasure that enveloped them both. His eyes rolled back into his head as she began to move on top of him, her rythm achingly slow and torturous. She slid to his tip, sliding back down just as slow; squeezing her muscles around him. After about five minutes of her evil ministrations, he gripped her hips and stoped her, pulling himself up off the floor, grabbing her by the back of the knees and pulling her legs around his waist. He placed one hand firmly against her back and whispered in her ear, "Hold on tight.." Her eyes widened and she did just that. In a flash, she was on her back, and he was in charge once more. She opened her mouth to protest, but was quickly cut off by his invading lips. He quickly pulled out of her hot core, her dissapointed moan filling his mouth. His fingers found their way to her clit, rubbing it with the slightest pressure. She gasped into his mouth, her arms tightening around his neck, her legs spreading wide. He smiled and pulled away from the kiss, moving down to capture a nipple between his teeth as he thrust hard back into her, "Oh God! Doyle!" She screamed, clawing at his back as she came hard, biting the muscle that corded inbetween his shoulder and neck. He growled, throwing his head back as he pounded hard into her, her moans and cries of pleasure sending him over the edge as he came into her with such an intensity that his vision blurred for a second. He let out a gasp, barely unable to keep from collapsing on top of her, lowering himself slowly as the last remains of her orgasm milked him dry. He pressed his chest to her's, feeling both of their hearts pounding uncontrollably, as he stared into her eyes. He licked his lips, smiling shakily, "Damn, woman .. you really -are- going to be the death of me. I don't know if the old ticker can stand much more of this." Cordelia giggled, wraping her arms around him as he lay on top of her, her legs still wrapped loosely around his waist, as he softened inside her. He smiled, closing his eyes as he nuzzled her neck. He murmered softly, "Wow.. I wonder how long we've been in here.." As if to answer his question, the water suddenly turned ice-cold, pelting down like hail on his back. He let out a cry as she squealed, both of them scrambling to get up and get out -- a task much harder than it seems. Doyle reached over and turned off the water, letting out a laugh as Cordelia scampered out of the shower, taking the shower curtian with her. She didn't stop running until she'd gotten as far as the living room -- then stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes widening. Doyle chuckled and stepped out of the shower, running a hand through his hair as he followed her wet footprints to towards the living room, "Cordy, come back in here and dry off. And you broke the shower curtian, luv--" He stopped mid-sentence, eyes landing on the dark figure that stood in Cordelia's living room. Angel. Cordelia quickly wrapped the shower curtian around her, shivering as she stammered, "Uh.. uh.. h-hi, Angel. I, uh.. didn't know you were stopping by.." Doyle quickly ran behind her, using her to cover up his nakedness, "Y-yeah.. if, uh.. we'd known, we would have, uh.. tidied up the place a bit, you know.." Angel held up a hand suddenly, cutting them both off. He glanced down at the ice cream, now a sticky brown puddle on the carpet, then back up at them. He chuckled softly and shook his head, "Don't worry -- I think I get it." Then he turned, placing a hand on the doorknob. He paused, turning back to face them once more, "But when you come back to the office, we're gonna have to talk about that pile of ashes on my floor." He smiled and opened the door, walking out into the night. Cordelia and Doyle turned to look at eachother, the collapsed into laughter.