Scene 16 (Justine and Amanda are playing oral tic-tac-toe. Harley is gone) Amanda: Um, ok. X in top left corner. Justine: O in bottom middle. Amanda: X in bottom left corner. Three in a row, I win!! Justine: What three? Amanda: The left column. Justine: No, I had the middle left one!! Amanda: Did not, I did!! Justine: Did too!! Amanda: Did not!! Justine: Too!! Amanda: Not!! Justine: Too!! Amanda: Not!! Justine: Too!! (Lisa and Dana appear at the window) Dana: Hello?? Lisa: Hello!! Amanda: Hello?? Is someone saying hello?? Lisa: Amanda! Look at the window!! Amanda: Lisa!! Justine: Dana! Dana: Justine! So that’s who we forgot. Lisa: Hey Justine, we’re gonna need your costume. Amanda: Are you guys gonna untie us, and take us home? Dana: Well, we sort of have to fulfill our namesakes first. Lisa: Yeah, if we rescue you now, how will we get the instruments back? Justine: How about you guys untie us, then we help you fulfill your namesakes? Then it would be a fair fight. Dana: Well, we’ve already seen how you fight. “I think I’ll go get a drink and leave Dana all by herself to fight off these maniacal people who want to kill her.” Lisa: Yeah, and I don’t know how good Amanda would be, having sat in the same position for three days. Amanda: I can’t feel my toes. Justine: I was thirsty, ok? Dana: Anyway, Justine, you’re going to have to untie you, and you’re going to have to strip and give us your costume. Then. we’ll tie you up again to alleviate suspicion. Lisa: Don’t worry, no one will care if your in your underwear. No one did when I was. Justine: Ok. (they untie her, and she goes into a closet and takes off her costume) Here, you might want to have it dry-cleaned first. I’ve been wearing this same costume for the past forty-eight hours. Lisa: Ew. Ok. Dana: We’re gonna go kick bad guy ass now. See you guys in a few minutes. Lisa: Yeah, sorry we can’t untie you. Amanda: That’s ok. Good luck. Justine: Yeah, good luck. Lisa: Thanks. Bye! Dana: Bye. Amanda: Bye. Justine: Bye. (They crawl out the window) Amanda, is it just me, or is it cold in here? Amanda: Just you. Let’s start over. You go first. Justine: Thanks. O in top right. Amanda: X in middle right. Scene 17 (Joker is going through he notes for his plan. Harley, in launderette, looks as if she has given up trying to seduce him and is filing her nails. Henchmen play pool) Harley: You know Puddin’, I’ve been thinking of taking up the Clarinet again. I could play a duet with Amanda. It would be all pretty!! Joker: (wrapped up in his own thoughts) Why am I getting four thousand? I’m supposed to get four hundred grand! . . . Clarinet? Why would anyone play the clarinet. Harley: I used to play it in Middle school. I could learn again. It would give me something to do in my spare time at Arkham. Joker: Twenty? No, there’s got to be more than twenty. . . Harley: Come on Puddin’, It would be fun, and relaxing, and. . . Joker: Hoker, hoker. . . No! It’s got to be Jarley. . . . Listen Harley, I’m busy, could you PLEASE be. . . (there is a loud crash from the other room) Dana: (from the other room) Ow! Lis- I mean, Kick-ass girl, watch that saxophone. (another loud thump) Lisa: Made it! Joker: Oh, no! Not again. I’m getting tired of this. I think I’ll just shoot them this time. Come on everyone (they run in to meet the Kick-ass girls) Dana: Hello again. Joker: Hello again. Dana: Kicking and screaming. Lisa: One at a time. Dana: Real fighting, not catfighting. Joker: Not this time. The rules are a bit different. (he takes out his gun and points it at them) At least I’ll get rid of one pesky superhero. Hahahahah!! (He has the gun on Dana, and he pulls the trigger. The top flips up, exposing a sign that says “*Bam*!”) What the. . . ? How did this get in here? Okay, get in a circle. We’ll play by your rules. At least until I find the real gun, Ready. . .set, . . GO!! (the fighting commences. The sides are pretty even, with Lisa pretending all the men are her Ex-boyfriend, Jason. It goes on for about three minutes, while Joker and Harley go off to try to find his real gun) Lisa: (In the midst of the battle) Hey, time out for a sec, you guys. Dana: Yeah? Lisa: What are those things? (she points out the window. Everyone looks. Huge winged things fly in, attacking and biting everyone. The fighting ceases as everyone tries to defend themselves) Lisa: Bats!! Henchman Moe: No! Not him! Dana: They’re not Bats. They’re pigeons! Lisa: Ew!! Get them off!! Get them off!! Voice From Pigeon: Sorry, I ran out of Bats. Lisa: What? Dana: Who said that? VFP: Id was be. Henchman Larry: Who?? VFP: be. From the big one wid the gray tailfeaders. Lisa: They’re all big. Dana: And they all have big tailfeaders. Thers. Feathers. VFP: big black spods on da tailfeaders. Dana: This one? (she grabs the one nearest to her) VFP: yes. Lisa: The pigeon is talking? VFP: look on da neck. Dana: This black box type thing? VFP: Yes. That’s where Ib talking from. Ids Be. Batban. Batban. Ban. Mmmm-ban. You know. Joker: (enters, with Harley) I found it!! Here it is! Now I get to shoot. . . What’s going on? VFP: Id’s be, Joker. Batban. ban. ban. Mmmmm-ban. You know. Black cape. Pointy ears. Joker: Oh for, . . . Even when your sick, you mess everything up! Harley: You know, Batsy, you sound so much less threatening when you’re talking with the flu through a pigeon’s neck. VFP: Keep talking and I’ll send Robin after you. VFP: (robin) Sorry, Batban. Mmmmm-ban Id’s contagious. I’b sick too. VFP: (batman) Shhh! dey don’t know dat. VFP: (robin) Oops. Well, now dey do. VFP: (batman) Ahem, as I was saying (cough, cough) The instrubents. Give them back, Joker. Joker: No!! They’re mine! I stole them fair and square. Amanda: (from the other room) Hullo? Harley? Where are you? VFP: Woah, is that Batgirl? Why is she dere? Harley: No, brilliant one. It’s Amanda. WE’RE IN HERE!! VFP: Oh. Well, all girl’s voices sound alike through a pigeon’s deck. Woah, Abanda? I had down that two-face kidnapped her! Dambnit, I sent Batgirl to the wrong place!! Robin? VFP: (robin) Yes sir? VFP: (batman) Call her on the batphone. Tell her to come home. VFP: (robin) Oh ban, you bean I have to get up? VFP: (batman) Yes! Go, dow. (robin grumbles) Oh, shut up. Amanda: Here you guys are. Look, I figured this out. (Amanda enters, followed by Justine in her underwear) Joker: What is this, a new fad? That’s the third girl this week I’ve seen in her underwear. Harley: *Ahem!* Joker: Of course, I’d rather see you all the time my sweet. Harley: I thought so. VFP: What? there’s a girl in her underwear there? Darn it, why does all the good stuff happen when I’b sick. Where’s the visual contact switch on this thing. . . Amanda: Sorry about Underwear girl. Justine: Lis- I mean Side-kick-ass girl needed my costume, so I sorta had to strip. VFP: Here it is! That’s ok, we don’t mind. Hey Robin, get over here, quick! Amanda: Anyway!! I figured out how to- Lisa: EWWWWWWWWW! (She marches over to the pigeon and shouts into it’s neck) Batman!! Look what one of your stupid pigeons did to my costume!! VFP: That’s the trouble with working with pigeons instead of bats. Pigeons are much harder to housetrain. Lisa: Darn it, and we just got this dry cleaned too. Oh, stupid pigeons!! VFP: Send it to the dry cleaners again. Put it on my tab. Dana: Batman has a tab? At the dry cleaners? VFP: Well, dey’ve been doing dat to my costume a lot too lately. Lisa: Eww, this is soooo gross. I’m going to go clean it off. Where is the bathroom? Harley: Left hallway, third door to the right. Lisa: Thanks. (leaves) Amanda: As I was saying, I have figured out a solution to everything. After Joker sells the instruments, . . . VFP: I don’t like that. You’re going to sell them on the black market. That’s illegal. Joker: Illegal? Oh no!! Stop everything!! Give it all back!! We can’t go through with it, it’s illegal!! VFP: Are you bocking be? Joker: Oh, nooo! Of course not! I wouldn’t bock you in a million years! Harley: Look, batty, you just don’t know when to quit, do you?? Don’t take this personally, but we don’t care!! We just don’t give a damn, okay? We have absolutely no interest in what you’re saying. Your stupid morals don’t apply here. VFP: Quinn- Harley: WHAT!!?! what could you possibly say that would arouse ANY interest in me, huh? What! VFP: How’s this; GO TO HELL!!! Joker: Hey!! that’s my girlfriend you’re insulting here! You can insult me all you want because (1) I’m gonna kill you someday, and (2) I can toss them right back at you, but that doesn’t apply to her because she’s not made of rubber. That’s the only person who’s ever called me Puddin’, and I care about her feelings, you big pointy-eared flying rodent- VFP: I called you Puddin’ once. Joker: What? VFP: Yeah, that was when I was mocking you. Remember, on the train? Joker: What are you rambling about? VFP: Remember, after you threw Harley out the window? Harley: The fourth time you tried to kill me, Puddin’. Joker: Oh, right. After the Piranha thing. Justine: Oooh!! Tell us about it!! I want to hear it! Harley: About the Piranhas? Justine: Yeah!! Harley: Well, it was after Mr. J had tried to kill Commissioner Gordon. B-man found us out, and came after us. I spritzed him with some laughing gas, and we got away. Joker: Barely. Harley: Well, while we were fighting, Batsy made some remarks about my Puddin’ losin’ his touch. Completely untrue, of course. Batman: It is not! Joker: Shut up! So that night when we got home, I decided it was time for Batsy to go, and set myself down to think up some deliciously delirious death for him. Harley, on the other hand, wanted to “play”. Harley: Can you really blame me? Joker: No, I guess not. But I wasn’t in the mood for playing, so I gently asked her to leave. Harley: But I didn’t. Joker: So I asked her again. Harley: But I didn’t. Joker: So I asked her again. Harley: But I. . . Hey, no you didn’t! Joker: Oh, right. I threw her out. Harley: It’s Batman’s fault. I remember, that night I had a flashback of how I became Harley Quinn, and how I met my Puddin’. How I went through college and everything only to become a psychotic clown. (*sigh*) Justine: I want to hear that story too, when you’re done. Harley: ‘K. VFP: Anyway, she decided that the best way get the Joker to spend some “quality time” with her was to get rid of me. So she sent me a tape, pretending Joker was going to blow up the city, and she had decided that he had gone too far. Harley: And he fell for it!! Like I would actually call him. Ha! I’d grab Ivy, the babies, and probably Justine and Amanda now that I know them too, and get the hell out. VFP: So I met her at the dock and she showed me all these phony plans. Harley: I couldn’t believe he had showed up! I handed him all the fake plan, and then I had this life-sized Joker machine on a boat come out to startle him. VFP: And she had a recording of his voice. Harley: The cute laugh. Do it, Puddin’!! Joker: No one turns traitor on me and lives!! Hahahahahaha!! Harley: And I had a machine gun shooting blanks. VFP: All this to distract me. . . Harley: And then the kicker. I stuck a syringe full of sedative in his neck. I had to drag his huge limp body four blocks to an old abandoned warehouse, then up five flights. I don’t care how good a shape he’s in, he’s gotta lose some weight. VFP: It’s all muscle, ok? Muscle weighs more than fat. Harley: Yeah, yeah, right. So I got him chained upside-down over a piranha tank, and then he came to. VFP: She was drinking grape soda. About to kill someone for the first time, and she’s drinking grape soda. Harley: We had a nice little conversation. Until he starts sayin’ how Mr. J’ll never really believe he’s gone, because I won’t have any proof of his death. The piranhas will eat him all, and there won’t be any body left as proof. Joker: So then she calls me up to witness his death. And she was all “Ha, ha, I’m gonna kill batman, I’m better than you, cause you can’t kill him, and I can!!” on the phone. VFP: She was not!! And anyway, the jealousy sets in. Joker: Well, I have to be the one to kill Batman!! I was his first enemy, I get to kill him!! Harley: So my Puddin’ comes over, all mad at me for tryin’ to kill Bats. Joker: Well, she stole my plans, she stole my idea, and she stole my right to kill batman. Then on top of that, she insulted my intelligence by explaining the joke to me! She thought I couldn’t get it! Harley: But you didn’t get it. Joker: If you have to explain the joke, than there IS no joke! Harley: Oh, right. Sorry, Puddin’. VFP: So, while I’m watching, the start fighting. No, excuse me, Joker starts fighting. Quinn just tries to defend herself with a swordfish. Harley: That somehow shrank in my arms. VFP: And she says “But Puddin’-” and he says “Don’t call me Puddin’” and he punctuates it by tossing her out the window. I was enjoying this by the way. I thought it was hilarious. Joker: Well, I didn’t realize it was five stories high. VFP: Bullsh*t! Harley: Lucky for me there was a dumpster into which I fell. VFP: Then the Joker comes back over to me. Now, he could have saved himself some trouble and lowered me into the tank, right then and there. But he’s not smart enough to do that. Harley: You shut up! My Puddin’s smarter than you, he just had respect for tradition, and he wasn’t going to get rid of you the wrong way! VFP: So he came back over to me saying “I really have to apologize for the kid. . “ and yadda-yadda-yadda. Then, he realizes that this is a big opportunity, and he takes out his beloved gun. Only when he tries to shoot me, Joker: He kicks the gun up. So instead of shooting him, I shoot the fish tank! Piranhas everywhere. All over me! And those things hurt. But it was a pretty good joke. VFP: It was funny. The fish of course, left me alone. Harley: Maybe they don’t like spandex costumes. VFP: It is not spandex, it’s rubber! Joker: I get all the fish off of me. We go out to the rooftop, and he tries to get away by jumping on a train! The coward. VFP: That was you! Joker: What? Oh, right. VFP: Only I jumped on the train too. So we’re facing each other. Joker: And he tries to antagonize me. VFP: I only said somethin along the line of “You really blew it, you moron. Your one chance to get rid of me, and you weren’t smart enough to take advantage of it. Plus, your girlfriend is smarter than you! She came a whole lot closer to killing me than you ever did. . . . . Puddin’!” Joker: Now that really pissed me off. So I came after him with a knife. VFP: Only I threw him off before he got the chance to use it. Joker: No you didn’t, I jumped off. VFP: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Everyone thought he was dead. Joker: Now could I ever die? Think about it. Harley: The police found me in the dumpster. I had seventeen broken bones, including a broken collarbone, three broken ribs, and a fractured skull. I needed four hundred and twenty-four stitches, plus I was in a wheelchair. They admitted me back to Arkham. The day I got to my cell, I looked over on the nightable, and there was a little vase, with a rose in it. The tag said “Get well soon. Love, J” Justine: Awwwwww!! Dana: That is so cute!! Justine: I hope when I have a homicidal maniac for a boyfriend, he does that for me. Amanda: Ok, great, wonderful story. Can we please hear my solution now? Justine: No!! We have to hear about how she became Harley Quinn. Remember? Amanda: Oh dear God! Harley: Well, I used to play the clarinet in Middle school. VFP: Oh please!! You don’t have to go back that far!! Harley: Then, in High School I got into Gymnastics. It was the only way I felt like I was fitting in. So I got a scholarship based on my gymnastics, but I decided to pursue my dream of becoming a clinical phychiatrist instead. So I got my Ph. D. No exactly on my grades, *ahem* Justine: What? I don’t get it? Joker: She was gorgeous, you moron. Look at her figure! Justine: (pause) OH! I get it. Wow, that’s how I want to get through college. VFP: You’ll have no trouble DRESSED LIKE THAT! Justine: Oh. Harley: I went to intern at Arkham. I was attracted to the extreme personalities. That’s how I met Mr. J. He used to sneak out of his cell and put flowers on my desk. I read all about him, and within three months I was able to get a one-on-one session with him. I did lots of analysisseses. Justine: Analysisses? Dana: I think it’s analysi. Harley: And he told me all about his abusive childhood. Joker: The alcoholic mother? Harley: No, the sadistic father. VFP: He told me he was an orphan raised by devil-worshippers who took pleasure in burning his hair on his head as an offering to Satan. Joker: Who asked you? Harley: So I helped his escape from Arkham. Amanda: Yadda-yadda-yadda and here he is!! Can we PLEASE discuss my solution now? Everyone wants to hear it, right? VFP: Right. Joker: Not really. Amanda: Too bad. Now, I was listening to your plan when you told Harley. In fact I re-explained it to her. So you do the selling thing, and get the money. Then, you give us two hundred and fifty grand to buy ourselves brand new instruments. Joker: Wait, that’s my money? Who says I’m giving it to you? VFP: I do. Joker: Come on, your a pigeon’s neck with the flu. What are you going to do to me? Harley: Aww, come on, Puddin’, that’s only the money from a flute, a clarinet, and half a trumpet. Joker: Hmmm, true, true. . . Harley: Pleeeeese? For me? Vroom, vroom . . . Joker: Oh, ok. Amanda: Yes!! I get a new band!! See, you get your money, we get our instruments, everyone’s happy. VFP: NO. Harley: What? Don’t tell me you’re getting in the way of this too. VFP: Your still stealing the instruments. And dealing with the black market. I don’t like it. It’s illegal. Amanda: Let’s take a vote. All in favor? Justine: Aye Dana: Aye Lisa: Aye Harley: Aye Joker: Aye Henchman Moe: Aye Henchman Larry: Aye Henchman Curly: Aye Amanda: Aye. All opposed? VFP: Aye. Amanda: Well, it looks like your outnumbered Bman. Sorry. Joker: Bye-Bye Batsy. ( He aims at the pigeon and shoots the black box off it’s neck) VFP: Haha, you didn’t get me! I’m on this one too. Justine: Hey, we’ve got this pretty much under control. Can you go now? VFP: I was just sharing my personal opinion as a do-gooder. Harley: Yes, but if you recall, WE DON’T CARE!! VFP: Quinn, go to. . . ohm, what the hell. Forget it, I give up. I’m tired and sick, and I want to go to sleep. Go do your evildoings. By the way, Kick-ass girl? Dana: Yes? VFP: I’ll be out of commission for the next few weeks. Take over for me, will you? Dana: Sure. VFP: If you need a sidekick. . . Lisa: no, I’m her sidekick. Side-Kick-ass girl. VFP: Cute. Very cute. Justine: What? No, I am! Dana: Sorry, you’ve just been down-graded to Kick-ass-and-side-kick-ass-messenger girl. Justine: Yes! VFP: Anyway, if you need my help, give Batgirl a call. Her beeper number is 821-2179. Dana: Thanks. VFP: You’re welcome. Joker: Bye now. (He shoots the other pigeon. All the other fly out the window) Harley: It’s getting late. Can we all go to bed? We can do the selling, exchanging, and buying tomorrow. You guys can spend the night here. Justine: Really? And not tied up? Harley: Sure. Lisa: Where do we sleep? Harley: In the guest room. Dana: Guest room? Joker’s hideout has a guest room? Joker: It’s for the homicidal maniacs convention we hold here once a month, with Two-face, Ivy, Riddler, Penguin, Hat-guy, and Puppethead, and all of those guys. Justine: Oh, right, I read about that in the magazine. Harley: Me and my Puddin’ can spend the night in here. Joker: The couch has a pull-out bed. Justine: Hey, Harley? Got any clothes I can borrow? It’s awfully cold in here. Scene 18 (Justine, Lisa, Amanda, and Dana are stretched out on the floor in a mess of stuffed animals, popcorn, chips, pajamas, video tapes, and sleeping bags.) Amanda: I love sleepovers. They’re so fun! You want to know something, besides the fact that I was tied up, sitting in the same position for three days, practically starved to death when they forgot to feed me, and wasn’t able to use the bathroom for forty-eight hours straight, I really had fun being kidnapped. Justine: Me too. Harley’s cool. Lisa: Yes, we know. She’s your idol. Your going to grow up to be just like Harley. Dana: A psychotic clown in love with a homicidal one. Amanda: Oh, God. Does our city really need another one? Justine: And Joker’s pretty cool once you get to know him. Dana: Ick! Who would want to. Justine: Well, considering that if you do, he’s less likely to KILL you, I would. Dana: Oh, right. Amanda: I think he’s too men to her. She should find herself a guy who appreciates her more. Justine: I think they make a cute couple. Dana: You would. Amanda: I missed you guys sooo much. Being kidnapped with no one t talk to is a drag. Dana: We missed you too. Lisa: Obviously. Amanda: I can’t believe you would dress up in freaky costumes and fight henchmen just for me. Lisa: Well, we did it more for the instruments. Amanda: Gee, thanks. Justine: I got myself kidnapped just to keep you company. Amanda: Really. Justine: I did so! Lisa: You just wanted to meet your idol. Justine: That too, but I love Amanda more. Dana: I hated those pigeons. Lisa: Those damn things ruined my costume!! Amanda: So what movie should we watch next? Lisa: What else is there? Dana: Batman. . . Batman Returns. . . Batman Forever. . . Batman and Robin. . . . Justine: What one is Harley in? Dana: She’s not. Justine: Than there’s no point. Scene 19 (Interactions are finished, Harley is hot-wiring a neighbor’s car because all of Joker’s cars are too conspicuous. She’s not in her costume) Harley: Finished! Hop in, you guys. Amanda: I’ll drive, I have my license. Harley: Not on you. We get pulled over, you could get in a lot of trouble. Me, on the other hand will only get my week at Arkham. In fact, I could lose the cops. Or beat them up. Amanda: Maybe we should take a cab. Scene 20 (In the car) Harley: Look! Look everyone, I’m not breaking the law. I’m driving the speed limit! I haven’t driven within 40 mph of the speed limit in seven years!! And look! A traffic light, and I’m stopping... See, those people are going, but me? I’m stopping,. Lisa: Harley? Harley: Yeah? Lisa: The light’s green. Harley: Oh. What does that mean? Lisa: It means go! Harley: Oh. Amanda: I knew we should have taken a cab. Harley: What did you guys think of Batsy last night? Justine: I could take him. Harley: I almost did. How would you go about doing it? Justine: Well, he’s a man. Flutter some eyes, show some leg. Harley: Ivy tried that one. Justine: Or you could use the damsel in distress thing. Harley: Hmmm. . . Justine: And if all else fails, use your secret weapon. Dana: What secret weapon? Justine; The one thing that strikes fear into the hearts of all old, unmarried bachelors. Show him a tampon. He’ll run screaming. And I’ll bet he’d never bug you again. Harley: I don’t think Mr. J’s ever tried that one. We’ll have to try it when B-man’s all better. Hey, you guys, I have a question. Lisa: Yeah? Harley: What does yellow mean? As in yellow light? As in traffic light? (The car in front of them slows down and their car swerves violently around it, barely missing two cars coming from the opposite direction) Too late. Amanda: Well it doesn’t mean that. (The car’s in the wrong lane as it swerves to miss a head-on collision) I knew we should have taken a cab. (Several cars beep) Harley: Same to you!! Lisa: We are going to die. Harley: (slams on the brakes. The cars behind her collide) This it? Amanda: YES! Yes of course this is it. And if it isn’t it, we’ll walk. Justine: Thanks for the lift. Dana: We’ll see you the next time you rob a bank, or do something similar. Amanda: I’ll miss you! Justine: Me too!! Harley: Aww, group hug!! (they embrace as best they can) All: Bye!! Epilogue Amanda: Amanda kept visiting Harley, as a friend, having long talks, and bonding. She broke up with Rason a few days later, after he looked into his Pennsylvanian Dutch background, and discovered that according to his Amish roots, he wasn’t allowed to date yet. Dana and Lisa: Dana became widely known as Kick-ass girl, and Lisa as Side-Kick-ass girl. They worked with Batman for a while, until moving to Metropolis to work with Superman. They also were forced to change their names to the Kick-butt girls after a lawsuit from a woman who’s daughter they saved, and also said their names in front of. Justine: Joined the Joker’s gang and came to be known as Harley Quinn Jr. She now spends her days robbing banks, in and out of Juvenile Arkham. She is still waiting for her perfect Homicidal Maniac to show up. Joker and Harley: Now do various evildoings without the intrusions of Batman. The actual reason he stopped bugging them is not known, however, several feminine hygiene products were found at the scene of their last crime. You draw your own conclusions.