Disclaimer :

 

   I so do not own any characters that are in this story! They belong to Joss Whedon ( who on the

 

Internet at this particular time is rumored to be on acid ) Mutant Enemy, Fox, and any other of

 

those big productions that I am beginning to hate since they broke Buffy and Angel up. Haven't they

 

heard of a long - distance relationship, damn it?! ( Takes deep breath ) I'm okay. I do not own the

 

song "Absence Of Fear", however, I do own all the songs at the end or near the end of each chapter.

 

Jewel Kilcher owns "Absence Of Fear" of which this story is named and of which is used at the end

 

of the Epilogue.

 

 

Author's Note :

 

   If you never watched season two of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" or you just aren't up to date,

 

here's the sitch : "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" is in it's fourth season right now. In my story we are

 

going back in time and are still in the second season. ( I liked that time. ) In the second season, Buffy

 

turned seventeen and she and Angel made love. The gypsy curse that was set upon Angel was broken

 

when they did this because he achieved a moment of true happiness ( don't ask, just don't even think

 

about asking. ) Now, in my little world that wreaks havoc on the people I hate ( especially Buffy's

 

mother ) Angel and his demon form Angelus are the same person. I mean, think about it. If they

 

both fall in love with Buffy and both act the same way, then they most likely have to be - Um... I'm

 

getting ahead of the story. Just read!

 

   This is rated NC - 17.

 

 

Prologue : Ache

 

The Graveyard

 

February 15, 1998

 

 

   11/21/99 - Buffy sat on a gravestone and sighed. There were no vamps out, but Giles had told her

 

to stay anyway. He did, however, warn her to be careful and to not stay out too late. Angel would be

 

watching her and Buffy knew he probably was right then.

 

   'As usual,' she thought sadly.

 

   In four days, a month would have passed since the time that Angel had lost his soul. Buffy's

 

prediction was that he would show up and rub her nose in it. He'd most likely taunt her, call her

 

lover, remind her of the night they had made love; she'd be strong though. It wouldn't always be this

 

way. Angel would come back to her somehow.

 

   She could dream, couldn't she?

 

   Buffy stood up and began pacing the ground. She was so restless lately. She didn't know why. She

 

just couldn't seem to sit still. She had a bad feeling about something and it made her more nervous

 

than she liked.

 

   'It's okay, Buff,' she thought to herself. 'It's just a feeling. It'll go away. Most of them do.'

 

   "Most of them do," she repeated aloud. Her thoughts had sprang into a different conflict. Would

 

her love for Angel ever go away? In some ways she wanted it to, but in others, she didn't think she'd

 

be able to live without her love for him burning inside of her heart and soul. He made her feel

 

complete and when she wasn't near him, there was an emptiness inside of her. It was an aching that

 

she didn't want. She just had to be near him. It didn't matter that it was the demon part of him she

 

encountered now. She still loved him.

 

   With another sigh, she began to walk out of the graveyard. He wasn't coming.

 

   "Where are you going, lover?"

 

   Then again, maybe he was.

 

   Buffy stopped in her tracks and turned around. "I was just leaving since you wanted to be a

 

chicken and not show yourself. That's all."

 

   Angelus laughed. "Think you could learn another pun?"

 

   Buffy glared. "What do you want?"

 

   "Nothing much," Angelus said, walking closer to her. "I'm just feeling pretty lonely right now.

 

Think maybe we could - "

 

   "Don't go there."

 

   The demon laughed. It was so much fun to taunt her. She wasn't as strong as she thought she was.

 

She was weak and he was more than willing to take advantage of that.

 

   "What, Buff? Don't tell me you thought that night was good. I certainly didn't."

 

   Buffy fought back tears. "Stop. That wasn't you."

 

   "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Angelus asked. "I was there, Buff." He sighed and

 

smiled. "You sucked. No pun intended."

 

   That was all he had to do to break her. She hung her head and began to cry. Angelus simply

 

laughed softly. It was too easy.

 

   "Aw, Buffy. Don't cry." He reached out and stroked her cheek. "You've just got to get around."

 

   Buffy slapped his hand away and began to back away. She wanted to run, but her legs wouldn't let

 

her.

 

   "Don't you ever touch me again," she hissed.

 

   "That isn't what you said on your birthday," Angelus mumbled in a sing - song voice.

 

   "Stop, please," Buffy pleaded softly. "Please, Angel, stop it. This isn't you."

 

   "Why are you begging? You're boyfriend's dead. You killed him, remember?"

 

   Buffy's tears grew heavier as she gazed at him. It wasn't Angel. She knew that. But she still

 

thought, that maybe if she pleaded enough, he'd come out and say how sorry he was and want to be

 

with her again.

 

   "Please, baby..."

 

   "Please, what?"

 

   "I - I love you. Don't do this to me, please."

 

   Angelus smirked and then began to laugh. Buffy just looked down at the ground as she cried.

 

   "Call me when you feel up to some bumping," Angelus taunted as he walked off into the night.

 

   Buffy fell to the ground and wrapped her arms around herself.

 

 

*I should have listened to you

 

I should have promised myself to wait

 

But you wanted me and I wanted you

 

Now I'm left with this emptiness and ache*

 

- Sunrise

 

 

Chapter One : Flames

 

Sunnydale High School

 

The Next Day

 

 

   Buffy walked into the library to the sounds of Willow coughing. The slayer set her bag down on

 

the counter and walked over to sit by her friend.

 

   "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

 

   Willow managed to answer in a raspy voice, "I've got the twenty - four hour."

 

   "I had that a few weeks ago. It seems to be going around. So, if you've got it then what are you

 

doing her at school?"

 

   "Mom made me come. She said I should just shake it off."

 

   "Oh, my poor Willow," said Buffy, as she layed her head on her friend's shoulder. Willow began

 

to cough again and looked at Buffy.

 

   "Are you sure you should be near me? You could get it, too, you know."

 

   Buffy sighed. "Like it would really matter."

 

   Willow sat up straight causing Buffy to do the same. "Talk to me," she ordered in hoarse voice.

 

   "No, Willow. You're sick and you shouldn't be talking and I - "

 

   "Tell."

 

   "I met up with Angel last night."

 

   "What did he do?"

 

   Buffy fumbled her fingers together and gazed down at her hands. "More like what he said," she

 

answered softly.

 

   "Oh, no."

 

   "No, Will, I'm okay. I was a little torn there for a minute, yeah, but... I got over it."

 

   Willow shook her head, seeing straight through her best friend. "No. You didn't get over it. Don't

 

let him get to you, Buffy. He's not the same Angel that you knew and loved."

 

   Buffy sighed heavily again. She knew that Willow was right, but it didn't help much. The point

 

was, Angelus was still there and she couldn't help but think of him as her love.

 

   "I know. But... I can't stop loving him. I just can't do it. Every night... I get ready for bed and tell

 

myself 'Tomorrow night will different. He'll come back to you and say how sorry he is.' But it never

 

happens."

 

   Willow offered the girl a sad smile and embraced her. Buffy held onto her tightly. It comforted

 

her to know that she had someone there for her.

 

   "Uh, Buffy?"

 

   "Yeah?"

 

   "I'm about to lose consciousness."

 

   Buffy pulled away. "Oh, yeah. Sorry."

 

   "No problem. So, are you going to slay tonight?" Willow asked.

 

   Buffy shrugged. "I dunno. I really don't want to. I just want to stay at home and sulk away."

 

   "Ah, Buffy," Giles said, walking out of his office. "I need you to patrol tonight."

 

   "Then again, maybe I'll patrol."

 

 

   "Ah, good 'ol graveyard," Buffy quipped to herself. "Gee, it's nice to have something to look

 

forward to every night."

 

   "You don't sound too thrilled," a voice said from behind.

 

   Buffy turned around to see Xander and Cordelia behind her. Both were holding crosses and

 

stakes.

 

   Buffy smiled. "What are you guys doing here?"

 

   Cordelia rolled her eyes and pointed to Xander. "Don't ask me. He's the one who drug me out

 

here." She folded her arms and sat on a gravestone.

 

   "So, what are you guys doing here?" Buffy repeated, turning to Xander.

 

   "Look, Buff," Xander began,"I know why you've been tense lately. Angel's probably gonna start

 

moving on up in hurting you because - "

 

   "In three days, it's been one month since I killed him," Buffy finished softly.

 

   "Yeah. But, Buffy, you didn't kill him. Angel's in there somewhere. It wasn't your fault."

 

   "He's right. It's not your fault the two of you got fleshy," Cordelia said, checking her nails at the

 

same time.

 

   "Honey, you're not helping!" Xander called. He turned back to Buffy. "Do you understand what I

 

mean?"

 

   Buffy looked at him for a few moments. She knew what he was saying, but she didn't believe him.

 

She made Angel lose his soul. She killed him. That's what she believed.

 

   Finally, she nodded her head. "I know, Xander."

 

   Xander gave her a sad smile. He couldn't stand to see his friend in pain. He wanted nothing more

 

than to kill Angel, but he wasn't going to say anything like that. It would just hurt Buffy more.

 

   "Good."

 

   "Could you do me a favor?" Buffy asked.

 

   "Sure."

 

   "Could you two go to the Bronze? Oz's band is playing there tonight and Willow mentioned that

 

she was going to go. I don't want her to be there all alone."

 

   "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

 

   She nodded her head. "Positive."

 

   "Okay," Xander said reluctantly. "Hey, Cordy, c'mon. We're going to the Bronze."

 

   "Finally! A place for the living!" Cordelia stood and ran after her boyfriend. Buffy just laughed

 

softly to herself. Even if her love life wasn't working out, she was glad that her friends' were.

 

   "C'mon, Angel," she whispered into the air. "I know you're out here. Stop hiding from me."

 

   "But it's so fun."

 

   Buffy clenched her fists and looked beside her. He was standing just a few feet away. She couldn't

 

help but gaze at him. The black silk shirt, the leather pants, the black duster; nothing about what he

 

wore was Angel. But his face, his eyes, his hands - everything about him - was Angel and it killed her

 

to know it.

 

   "Why's it so fun?" she asked.

 

   "Because I get to do this," he answered. Buffy didn't know what he meant until he kicked her

 

hard in the knee. She fell to the ground and hit her head hard on a rock.

 

   "C'mon, Buff. Stop lying on your back when it comes to me."

 

   The slayer glared at him and jumped out, holding her stake in her hand. "You ready?"

 

   "Very, very ready." He punched her, she blocked it, and the fight began.

 

   Buffy fought like she had never fought before. She punched him, she kicked him. She did

 

everything she could think of to hurt him. Rage was built up inside of her. With every hit and kick

 

she gave him, the worse her rage became.

 

   Angelus laughed at her. This was exactly the way he had planned it to be. He could carry out his

 

plan for the night now.

 

   Buffy kicked him in the leg and he fell flat on his back. She pounced on him and held her stake in

 

the air, ready to kill him. To her surprise, Angelus began to laugh.

 

   "Do you think this is funny?" she asked through gritted teeth.

 

   Angelus stopped laughing and smiled. He reached up and gently pulled Buffy's stake away from

 

her. She didn't stop him and she didn't know why not.

 

   "You don't want to do that," he said in a whisper. Buffy swallowed hard, not knowing what he was

 

doing. Angelus had to control himself from not laughing. Everything was going perfectly.

 

   He threw the stake and Buffy watched it hit a tree. Something told her to run - to get away from

 

him. But she wouldn't. She couldn't.

 

   "Do you remember your birthday?" Angelus asked.

 

   Buffy shook her head and was about to rise off of him when he grabbed her wrist. He didn't grab

 

fiercely, though. He grabbed it gently. Much like the way lovers did when they held hands. Buffy

 

had to stop and tell herself for a moment that this wasn't Angel because it felt so much like him.

 

   Angelus reached up to stroke her hair, her face, and then her lips. Buffy tried not to, but she

 

kissed his fingers softly. Every action was Angel. And even though she knew it was the demon,

 

couldn't she just pretend that it was her lover, her life even for just a few minutes?

 

   Angelus' hands traveled to her shoulders where they slowly removed her leather jacket.

 

Underneath, she wore a white, see - through tank top. A feeling of desire rose up in the vampire. It

 

was feeling he was not too thrilled in having.

 

   "What are you doing?" Buffy asked as a shiver ran up her spine, along with Angelus' hands.

 

   Angelus didn't answer. He slipped his hand under her top and stroked the small of her back. She

 

let out a small gasp, causing him to smile.

 

   Then, he let his hands travel slowly to her hips. She was so small. So fragile. Angelus almost felt

 

sorry for what he was about to do to her.

 

   Almost.

 

   "Angel..."

 

   Angelus pulled her down to him and she kissed his lips. He returned each one she gave. And then,

 

their kisses grew deeper. This wasn't what Angelus had planned. This wasn't what he had sought out

 

to do. But he couldn't stop himself. She was so beautiful. Anyone, even the ones who hated her just as

 

he did, had to admit that.

 

   Buffy bent lower to his body and kissed the hollow of his neck. Angelus felt himself shudder. What

 

was she doing to him? What was it that he was feeling for her?

 

   Buffy didn't know how, but she found herself laying down with Angelus on top of her, planting

 

kisses onto her neck. She held his head there for a few seconds and sighed. A feeling of deja vu swept

 

over her, although she didn't know why. She had made love with Angel, not Angelus. Was what he

 

said true? Was he there in spirit on the night of her birthday?

 

   11/22/99 - Angelus lifted her back up to him and pulled her top over her head, revealing her white

 

silk bra. He had to stop himself from carrying her off to the factory. He wanted her more than

 

anything and, the scary thing was, he couldn't explain why.

 

   They stared at each other for a few moments. Thoughts ran wildly in Buffy's head. Were they

 

going to have sex right then and there in the cemetery? Was he just doing this to hurt her?

 

   Why was she wanting him to touch her?

 

   Slowly, she pulled his lips down to hers and kissed him with a passion she didn't know she had.

 

Angelus felt her hands come under his duster and slide it off of his shoulders. She wasn't nervous.

 

He could see that clearly now. He saw it even more clearly when she began to unbutton his shirt and

 

plant kisses on his chest.

 

   'What are you doing?' Angelus' mind screamed. 'Are you crazy?! You're supposed to hurt her!

 

Not touch her!'

 

   Buffy had to shake her own thoughts away. 'This isn't Angel. Stop pretending that is! He doesn't

 

love you! He just wants to kill you! Can't you see that?!'

 

   Angelus made of trail of kisses across her flesh and held her tightly. He didn't want this. He was

 

supposed to try and kill her. Not tonight, however. He just seemed to want her and for that, he

 

wanted to kill himself.

 

   'Stop it,' Buffy's mind whispered as she felt Angelus kiss and bite gently on her stomach. 'Make

 

him stop. Make yourself stop.'

 

   "No," she managed to gasp out. "Stop..."

 

   Angelus looked at her in surprise. Maybe he was surprised that she had stopped him or maybe he

 

was surprised that he had stopped himself.

 

   He got himself together and laughed. Buffy simply stared at him in confusion. "What's so funny?"

 

   "It just amazes me... that you're so much of a slut that you'd have sex in a graveyard," he hissed.

 

   Buffy stiffened. "We didn't have sex."

 

   "Yeah. But you gotta admit..." He leaned down to her ear and whispered,"You wanted to," before

 

gently biting on her neck.

 

   Buffy gasped and dug her nails into his back. Angelus just smiled to himself as he started to kiss

 

her neck again.

 

   Buffy felt his hands travel to her back. For a minute there, she thought he was going to literally

 

rip off her bra, but he didn't. Instead, he picked her up and began to carry her away from the

 

graveyard.

 

   And she held onto him willingly.

 

 

Angel's Apartment

 

 

   Angelus set the slayer down as he opened the door to his old apartment. Or rather, Angel's old

 

apartment.

 

   Buffy looked up at him with wide eyes, wondering what he was going to do to her next. He

 

answered her unasked question by kissing her passionately on the lips and picking her up.

 

   As he carried her over to the bed, Buffy felt herself flying away. It didn't matter that this wasn't

 

her Angel. He was the next best thing. Even if he was a cold - hearted, soul - less demon.

 

   Angelus layed her down on to the bed and layed himself on top of her. She reached up and slid his

 

shirt off of him. He kissed her on the lips and then down to her stomach.

 

   "We left our clothes in the graveyard," Buffy said as a moan escaped her mouth.

 

   Angelus went back up to her mouth. "You'll get over it," he whispered before forcing his tongue

 

into her mouth. She moaned again and caressed his tongue with her own.

 

   Once again, she felt his hands slide behind her back, only to retreat down to her hips. Before she

 

knew it, he had removed her pants and they were lying beside his shirt in a pile on the floor. Angelus

 

began to kiss the soft flesh of her thigh and a moan escaped her mouth. He smiled at what he was

 

doing to her. He could make her go over the edge in a matter of seconds if he wanted to. That was

 

how much power he had over her.

 

   And he planned on using that power in every way possible to get what he wanted.

 

   True, his entire plan had been to kill her and leave her as a gag gift for her friends, but plans

 

sometimes change, don't they?

 

   Buffy held his head at the place on her thigh and closed her eyes tightly. Her hands were shaking

 

almost uncontrollably and she had to hold onto his shoulders just to keep them still. It occurred to

 

her quickly that she was nervous, although she didn't know why. She had been touched by the same

 

hands. She had felt the same body over hers. She had felt the same lips on her skin. It was just a

 

different person. If she kept telling herself it was Angel - Her Angel - then she'd be okay. Everything

 

would be okay.

 

   Right?

 

   Buffy brought his lips back up to hers and kissed him tenderly. 'Please him,' a voice whispered

 

inside of him. 'Make him come back for more.'

 

   A sly smile crossed Buffy's face and Angelus caught it. He nearly laughed out loud at the way she

 

was acting. She was actually going to give herself to him, knowing he wouldn't be there in the

 

morning. It made Angelus feel powerful.

 

   Buffy slowly reached up to caress his face and his lips before her hands traveled to his pants. She

 

held her hands there for a few seconds, causing Angelus to groan. She smiled to herself and began to

 

unzip and unbutton his pants. Within moments, they were beside her own on the floor.

 

   Angelus quickly unfastened her bra and threw it on the floor. He then started to kiss and suckle on

 

her nipples. Buffy's body arched towards his at this moment and he held her in place.

 

   Buffy kissed him long and hard on the lips. She was tired of waiting. "Do you want to?" she asked,

 

almost so quietly that you could not hear her.

 

   The demon over her nodded his head in response. He was going to be gentle with her, make her

 

feel like a princess, and then leave her. He had to hurt her.

 

   But all he wanted to do was love her.

 

   Buffy reached down and pulled his boxers down. Angelus managed to remove them the rest of the

 

way without losing control and taking her right then.

 

   The nervousness Buffy had felt in moments before this one started to disappear. She knew when

 

she woke up he probably would be gone and the next time they saw each other, they'd get into a

 

fight to the death; But she didn't care.

 

   Angelus kissed her stomach just above her panties as he pulled them down and off of her. The two

 

stared at each other for a few seconds. There was no sound in the room except Buffy's heavy

 

breathing.

 

   Before she knew it, Angelus thrusted into her, quickly and with ease. Buffy gasped out loud at the

 

sudden pain that ran through her body. Tears began to blur her eyes, but, surprisingly, Angelus

 

wiped them away and kiss the side of her face. She didn't know why he was being gentle and she

 

wasn't sure she wanted to know.

 

   Angelus didn't move for moments. Something told him to be careful with her. She was like glass.

 

She could break if you handled her too hard, or too roughly.

 

   For some reason, he didn't want her to break.

 

   Buffy reached up and kissed him, giving him silent permission to continue. He did. Slowly, at first,

 

but gradually building up speed. Buffy felt herself going over the edge. A loud moan escaped her lips

 

and she tried to keep another one from coming out. She was in a flurry of emotions and, right then,

 

she didn't want him to know what he was doing to her. Truth was, he was giving pleasure she hadn't

 

had since the night she made love with Angel.

 

   Angelus looked down at her and saw her try and swallow back a moan. He didn't know why she

 

was doing this. He just wanted to know he was pleasing her.

 

   He bit gently down on her neck and a slight moan came from her. Angelus began to pump harder

 

into her, making her hold on tightly to his shoulder. He whispered into her ear,"Just let it go, baby."

 

   She came at that moment. It was too much for her. This was so much different from when Angel

 

had made soft love to her. This time was way different. While Angel was slow, Angelus was fast.

 

Angel was gentle. Angelus was somewhat. When it came to being in her, he was a tad over the gentle

 

side, but not by much.

 

   Her orgasm soon passed and was replaced by heavy breaths coming from her. Angelus bit down on

 

her breasts, causing her to again seize his shouders in an effort to control her emotions. Angelus

 

placed his forehead on hers and continued his drive into her. Their ragged breaths were the only

 

sounds in the room for a few seconds until Angelus finally asked what he had been wondering so

 

about.

 

   "What are you doing?" he asked between heavy pants.

 

   Buffy nearly shrieked out as she layed her head back onto the pillow behind her and shut her eyes

 

tightly. Angelus gazed at her neck and kissed her again.

 

   "Why are you holding back?"

 

   Buffy thought tears were about to come as she called out his name. His name! Not Angel's! She

 

had no earthly idea why she was calling out Angelus' name. Her whole idea had been to pretend that

 

it was Angel, so that she could have maybe a few minutes of peace.

 

   Upon hearing his name called, Angelus nearly dropped dead - no pun intended. She was honestly

 

realizing that it was him who was loving her at that moment. He pushed even harder into her,

 

feeling her nails dig into his back. She looked up at him with wide eyes and shook her head.

 

11/23/99  - "I - I can't..."

 

   Angelus cut her off as he kissed her throat. She breathed in deeply and stroked his back. "I can't,"

 

she repeated. "Angel... I - "

 

   "Forget about him for now," Angelus whispered as he placed his forehead back on hers.

 

   Buffy shook her head as tears blurred her eyes. "I can't. Angel... please."

 

   Angelus took in what she was saying. She wanted him to stop making love to her. If making love to

 

each other was what they were really doing at all. Neither one of them knew exactly.

 

   Buffy took deep breaths as Angelus began to stop. Relief poured through her along with

 

disappointment. She didn't want him to stop and emotions she had held back were still in her. The

 

only reason she wanted to stop was because she felt like she was betraying Angel.

 

   Angelus stroked her cheek gently and made of trail of kisses from her lips down to her waist. Buffy

 

gripped onto him and moaned softly. Angelus smiled to himself as a thought sprang into his mind.

 

His trail of kisses went lower down to her center. Buffy's eyes, which had been shut for only a few

 

seconds, sprang open.

 

   "Angelus, what are you - "

 

   He didn't give her time to finish her question. He slipped his tongue inside of her and she gasped

 

loudly. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't done yet.

 

   He lifted his head to look at her. She gazed at him in a way she had never done before. It was a

 

gaze of longing. A gaze of wanting.

 

   He tilted his head back down to kissing her thighs and then looked back up at her. "Do you

 

honestly want me to stop?" he asked.

 

   Buffy shook her head. "No."

 

   Angelus moved his body back over hers and the two stared at each other. He pushed a damp curl

 

out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She smiled at him and ran her fingers through his hair.

 

   "Let it go this time," he said. She nodded her head, not caring anymore.

 

   Angelus kissed her passionately on her lips as he entered her again. Buffy moaned in his mouth as

 

she felt the slight pain from before.

 

   He didn't wait this time. As soon as he was in her, he began to move. Slowly and then faster. Buffy

 

tightened her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck and back. Soft moans began to

 

escape her lips and fill the room.

 

   Angelus couldn't stand it any longer. He wanted to hear her scream and cry out his name like

 

before. He pushed even harder, deeper, and quicker into her and at that moment she came.

 

   Buffy's body arched in every place on his as her loud moans filled the room. She bit down on his

 

shoulder and in that moment her lover came to.

 

   Their orgasms passed in minutes and Angelus slowed his drive in her once more. Buffy felt the

 

sweat that was covering their bodies as he moved against her. He collapsed on her chest and their

 

heavy breaths were the only sounds they heard.

 

   Except for Angelus. When he layed his head down on her chest, he heard her heart beating loudly

 

and quickly. Hunger began to overtake the vampire as he realized that he hadn't had a thing - or

 

person - to eat that night.

 

   Buffy didn't know how, but she knew what he was thinking. "You can if you want to," she

 

whispered into his ear.

 

   Angelus looked at her in shock. She wanted him to feed off of her!

 

   He shook his head. "No. I won't hurt you like that."

 

   "Why not?"

 

   "I don't know."

 

   And neither one of them knew as they fell asleep, wrapped up in each other.

 

 

*Two bodies intertwined with each other

 

Touching, tasting

 

Calling out each others names

 

Moaning, screaming

 

Two burning flames

 

Gripping, seizing

 

Seeing, exploring

 

Crying for more*

 

- Sunrise

 

 

   "What are we doing back here?" Cordelia groaned as Xander and Willow pulled her into the

 

graveyard.

 

   Xander rolled his eyes as he explained to his girlfriend the fiftieth time what they were doing

 

there. "We just want to check on Buffy and make sure she's okay."

 

   "You mean you want to check on Buffy! I could care less!"

 

   "We know, Cordelia," Willow mumbled. "Believe me. We know."

 

   "Just making sure you did."

 

   Willow sighed and looked over at Xander. "I don't see her. Do you remember exactly where she

 

was?"

 

   Xander shook his head. He didn't remember exactly where Buffy had been. He had been at the

 

Bronze with Willow and Cordelia when a feeling of worry washed over him. He was frightened for

 

Buffy. All he knew was that he had to find her.

 

   He scanned the cemetary quickly with his eyes, looking for the same gravestone Cordelia had been

 

sitting on earlier. He found it, a few yards away and pointed to the spot.

 

   "That way." He and his friends immediately began to run in the direction.

 

   It wasn't until they were just a few feet away that Willow stopped them. "Wait," she ordered, her

 

eyes seeming to be focused on something.

 

   "Willow, what - " But Xander followed her gaze and saw the "what". On the ground were some of

 

Buffy's clothes. Her tank top and her leather jacket. Beside these objects was a black duster.

 

   Xander looked around and saw Buffy's stake against a tree. He shook his head and looked back at

 

the clothes.

 

   "Xander," Willow began,"you don't think that she'd - "

 

   "We don't even know it's his."

 

   "Buffy got lucky?" Cordelia asked, clueless as to what the big deal was all about.

 

   "Get them," Xander ordered.

 

   "Excuse me?" Cordelia said. "What color do I look to you?"

 

   "Just do it!"

 

   She threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. If you want to have a little pitch a fit party, that's fine by

 

me," she said as she began to gather up the clothes.

 

   Xander was fuming as he clenched his fists and began to walk in the direction of the library.

 

 

Chapter Two : Apology

 

 

   Angelus awoke to hearing Buffy crying. He opened his eyes to see her sitting up in bed, clutching

 

the cover against her chest. He sat up and rubbed her back.

 

   "Buffy, what is it?" he asked worriedly.

 

   She looked at him and buried her face into his chest. He held her, although he didn't know what

 

was wrong with her. After a few minutes, he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes.

 

   "Tell me what's wrong. Did you have a dream about something?"

 

   Buffy nodded her head as she cried some more. Her dream had felt so real. She had seen Angel.

 

She had ran to him, expecting him to hold her. He did, but then he pushed her away just as quick.

 

He didn't want anything to do with her.

 

   Angelus pushed her hair out of her face and stroked her cheek. "C'mon, baby. Tell me what

 

happened."

 

   Buffy gazed up at him, even though she couldn't see him clearly through her tears. "Is he mad at

 

me?"

 

   Angelus wasn't sure what she meant, but then it occured to him. She was talking about Angel. He

 

couldn't give her answer.

 

   "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

 

   Buffy placed her hand on his chest. "Because he's in you. I know he is. I felt him."

 

   Angelus hung his head. She was still thinking about Angel, not him. As much as he hated to admit

 

it, it was killing him. He wanted her to think about him, not his soul.

 

   "Buffy... I don't know that," he answered.

 

   "I know. I just need to hear you say it. Just say that he doesn't hate me," she pleaded.

 

   Angelus brought her lips to his. "He doesn't hate you."

 

   It comforted Buffy a little bit, but not enough. She still sobbed uncontrollably. Angelus had to lay

 

her back down and hold her until her shaking subsided.

 

   When she had finally calmed down, she shut her eyes and soon began to fall asleep. Angelus let out

 

a sigh of relief and pulled her body closer to him. She groaned in her sleep and wrapped her arms

 

around him.

 

   After about ten minutes, Angelus slowly moved away from her, so that he wouldn't wake her, and

 

checked the clock on his desk. Rather, Angel's desk.

 

   "3 : 00," he said aloud. He had to get back to the factory. Spike and Drusilla would probably

 

question him to death about where he had been, but that didn't matter.

 

   Angelus stood up and began to put his clothes back on. Thoughts were spinning around in his head.

 

He had just made love with the girl he hated. Or did they just have sex? He didn't know. He wasn't

 

even thinking straight when he brought her to the apartment. Or was he thinking straight? Did he

 

know exactly what he was doing?

 

   See what I mean about the two of them not knowing a thing?

 

   He slipped his shirt on and buttoned it up when he heard Buffy's voice.

 

   "You're leaving?"

 

   He turned to look at her. "Yeah. I've got to. Spike and Dru will be wondering where I am."

 

   11/27/99 - Buffy laughed. "So... I guess next time... you're gonna try and kill me?" she asked softly.

 

   Angelus put his shoes on and looked at her. He didn't want to lie to her. He wasn't planning on

 

hurting her - Ever.

 

   "I guess," he finally answered.

 

    Buffy felt tears start to well up in her eyes again. She watched numbly as Angelus walked over

 

and opened the door to leave.

 

   "Angel!" she called.

 

   Angelus looked down at the ground before gazing back at her. She had her arms wrapped around

 

herself and her knees pulled up to her stomach in a protective manner. He knew why she was doing

 

this. She was afraid that he was going to hurt her.

 

   Or she felt ashamed at what they had done.

 

   "Was I good?" Buffy asked meekly.

 

   Angelus let out a fake laugh. "As good as you'll ever be," he taunted.

 

   Buffy hung her head as her tears fell. Angelus couldn't watch her cry. He walked out and closed

 

the door behind him. But it didn't help. He could still hear her sobs and he knew he was the cause of

 

them.

 

 

The Library

 

February 17, 1998

 

 

   "We don't know for sure that they slept together, Xander," Giles said. "Let's not jump to any

 

conclusions."

 

   "I'm sorry, but I like the conclusions that I have jumped to and I am not giving them up."

 

   Willow rolled her eyes and began to pace the floor. It was 8 : 45 and Buffy would be coming to

 

school soon. Everyone had decided the night before to confront her about the clothes in the

 

graveyard. Willow didn't want to believe that her friend had slept with Angelus, but there was a

 

feeling in the pit of her stomach that told her she did. The feeling could have been there because she

 

knew how her friend felt about Angel and it also could have been there because Buffy's mom had

 

called her and asked where her daughter was.

  

   "Does it really matter if they did?" Cordelia asked. Everyone turned to look at her with

 

questioning expressions. She didn't even squirm.

 

   "No, I mean, think about it. Buffy loved Angel. I think everybody here should know that. Maybe,

 

she sees Angelus as Angel and if he doesn't hurt her, what's the problem?"

 

   "In case you haven't noticed, Cordy, Buffy isn't here, yet, and that means she could be - " But

 

Xander was cut off as Buffy walked into the library.

 

   All eyes turned to her and she suddenly felt herself grow self - conscious. Could they see right

 

through her? Did they know what she had done?

 

   "Gee," she started with a fake smile on her face,"It's quiet. Did I do something?"

 

   "That's what we're about to find out," Xander replied. Anger was filling him. It had been ever

 

since he saw the clothes in the graveyard. He was determined to get to the bottom of everything.

 

   "Where were you last night, Buffy?" Giles asked softly and calmly.

 

   Buffy hesitated. "I... I was at home. I patrolled for awhile and then I went home."

 

   "You must have gotten home late," Willow said.

 

   "Wh - Why do you say that?"

 

   "Your mom called me. I told her you with me. Studying. Having a whole bunch of fun learning

 

about history."

 

   Buffy hung her head. They knew something. She wondered if they knew everything.

 

   Xander reached behind a pile of books and pulled out Buffy's tank top. Her eyes grew large and

 

she nearly gasped out loud.

 

   "Surprised?" Xander asked with a laugh. "There's more. You left your leather jacket and he left

 

his duster."

 

   "I... I don't know -"

 

   "You don't know what we're talking about, is that it?" Xander interrupted, taking steps further to

 

her. She looked up at him for a few seconds, but quickly looked at the floor.

 

   "Now tell us the truth, Buffy. Where were you and were you with him?"

 

   Buffy gazed at all of her friends. Cordelia stood against the stairs, her arms folded. Willow was

 

sitting at the table, looking at her friend sadly. And Giles was staring at her, not even wanting to her

 

the words come out of her mouth.

 

   And then there was Xander, who was hell - bent on hurting Angel and hell - bent on keeping her

 

away from him.

 

   "Nothing happened, if that's what you're getting at," Buffy whispered. "He came. And we got into

 

a pretty bad fight."

 

   "Then why in the hell were your clothes in the graveyard?!" Xander screamed.

 

   "It was a bad fight," Buffy answered, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

 

   "I don't believe you!"

 

   "You don't have to!" the slayer screamed at the top of her lungs, as her tears came and she broke

 

like glass. Willow immediately ran and caught her friend before she collapsed onto the floor.

 

   "Shh," Willow whispered, stroking her friend's hair. "It's okay, Buffy. Just tell us what happened.

 

I'm not mad at you. Cordelia's not mad at you. And whatever happened, Giles will not be mad at

 

you."

 

   "And I won't, Buffy," Giles confirmed.

 

   Buffy looked at the faces of her friends. Each expression was caring, except for Xander's. He

 

appeared as if he was about to come to blows.

 

   Willow pushed Buffy's blonde hair behind her ears. "C'mon, Buffy. Just tell us."

 

   Buffy turned to her friend as more tears came. "Oh, God. I'm sorry."

 

   Willow nodded her head and pulled her friend to her. Buffy just kept repeating her words of

 

apology.

 

   "It's okay, Buffy," the redhead said. "Everything's gonna be okay."

 

   "I... wasn't thinking," the girl said between sobs. "I wasn't thinking."

 

   "No. It's okay."

 

   Giles sighed and pushed past Xander and knelt beside the crying girl. "Come here, Buffy."

 

   She tried to push him away, not wanting anybody to be near her. "No. No. Don't."

 

   "It's okay. It's alright." Giles picked her up and carried her into his office. He layed her down on

 

his couch and ordered for her to rest.

 

   "I'm so sorry," Buffy managed to say, pulling herself into a ball.

 

   "No. Don't say you're sorry, Buffy," Giles said as he shook his head. "You have no reason to be

 

sorry. I just want you to rest."

 

   Buffy nodded her head and closed her eyes. "Okay."

 

   "Good." Giles stood up and gently shut the door behind him.

 

   "Are you people insane?" Xander asked as he glared at everybody in the room. Willow was still

 

sitting on the floor and began to shake her head.

 

   "You just don't get it, Xander."

 

   "Are you insane?!" Giles hissed in a whisper. "Yelling at her like that! She's been through

 

enough, Xander! She doesn't need you screaming at her about how wrong she was! It was wrong

 

decision! I know that! She seems to know that! But you can't do that to her! She's going through a

 

tough time!"

 

   "What do you think the rest of us are going through, Giles?! You think we like to sit and watch

 

our friend suffer! It's the last thing I want to see! I held her when she cried! I know what she's going

 

through! But why would she go and have sex with him?!"

 

   "She did it because she loves him," Willow answered.

 

   Xander - along with everyone else in the library - turned to the redhead. She laughed softly.

 

   "Love will make you do crazy things," she started. "It'll make you smile. It'll make you cry. It'll

 

make you hope. And it'll make you stop having faith in everything you ever believed in." She felt her

 

own tears start to come up as she looked into Xander's eyes

 

   "It'll make you yell and scream and wait for the person that you've loved all your life even though

 

you know he's never going to notice you!" she exclaimed through gritted teeth. "It'll make you hurt

 

and suffer and make you wish that you would die ever so quickly! You can stand back and say it will

 

run it's course and that it's going to go away, but it won't! Love makes you do all those things...

 

because you're so happy and you feel so... lucky that you found it. But you are still scared and sad all 

 

at the same time because you're so afraid that it's going to leave you and never return or that the

 

guy you love is going to notice other girls and just think of you as his friend. She did it because she

 

loves him. She may not love Angelus, but you know exactly how she feels about Angel."

 

   Xander knelt down beside his friend and reached to wipe her tears. "Will, are you -"

 

   "Don't touch me," she said, slapping his hand away. She stood up. "It's the last thing that I want

 

you to do." With that, she ran from the library.

 

 

*I'm gonna apologize

 

For falling in love with you

 

I'm gonna apologize

 

Because it's something no one wants me to do

 

I'm gonna dry my eyes

 

For the tears that fall down my face

 

I'm gonna dry eyes

 

Because I'm running towards your place

 

I'm not gonna cry

 

For I know everything's gonna be okay

 

I'm not gonna cry

 

Because I'll wake up from this nightmare someday

 

I'm gonna apologize

 

For making love with you

 

I'm gonna apologize

 

Because it's all that I want to do*

- Sunrise

 

 

Chapter Three : Insecurity

 

That Night

 

Buffy's Home

 

 

   11/28/99 - The slayer walked into her house ever so slowly. Guilt was overriding her. She had

 

betrayed her friends - The people she held so dear to her heart. She had betrayed them just for one

 

night of pleasure with the vampire she was sworn to hate.

 

   But guilt was the only thing she felt as she set her jacket down on the couch in her living room. She

 

felt wanting conquering her, also. She wanted Angelus so bad it was killing her. Inside of her,

 

everything was being torn apart. The only way it would stop ws if she had him.

 

   "Buffy? Is that you?" Joyce called from the kitchen.

 

   Buffy sighed and put on a fake smile. "Yeah, it's me, Mom," she replied, walking into the kitchen

 

and sitting down at the counter.

 

   "How did the studying go at Willow's?" Joyce asked as she reached up to get a glass from her

 

cabinet.

 

   As she heard this question, Buffy seemed to drift away somewhere. Her smile faded, her eyes

 

stared off into space, and memories filled her head.

 

   'Let it go this time.'

 

   Joyce filled her glass with water and was about to take a sip when she noticed the expression on

 

her daughter's face. Buffy looked so pained. As if her world was crashing down on her every second

 

and there was nothing she could do to hold it up.

 

   'She's just seventeen,' Joyce's mind said. 'You remember what that was like. It's perfectly normal

 

for her to be acting this way.'

 

   "Buffy?"

 

   Buffy jerked back into reality. "What? Oh, yeah. I studied... at Willow's. You know how much she

 

likes to do that sort of thing."

 

   Joyce laughed. "She's a good girl."

 

   'And I'm not?' Buffy asked silently. "Mom?"

 

   "Hmm?"

 

   "Nothing."

 

   Joyce set her glass down and sat beside her daughter. "What's wrong, Honey? There's

 

something."

 

   "No, there isn't," her daughter lied. Could her mother see it also? Did her mother know what had

 

happened almost a month before on her birthday? Were the words "I HAD SEX" literally stamped

 

on her forehead for the whole world to see?

 

   "Okay. I'm not going to pressure you to tell me. But I am here if you need to talk to me, Buffy."

 

   "I know."

 

   There was a moment of silence before Joyce sighed and stood up. "I'd better go pack."

 

   "Pack?" Buffy questioned.

 

   "I have an art convention in L.A. I'm leaving in about thirty mintues. Don't worry. I'll be back in

 

three days."

 

   "Okay."

 

   Joyce wagged her finger at Buffy. "No parties."

 

   Buffy smiled and shook her head. "No parties."

 

   "No messing up the house."

 

   "No messing up the house."

 

   "And no boys."

 

   Buffy looked down at the kitchen floor. "And no boys."

 

 

   Buffy wrapped a towel around herself and walked into her room, shutting her door behind her.

 

Her mom was gone. She had left nearly an hour ago. Buffy had told her to be careful, but she wasn't

 

really worried about her mother. Her mind was simply on Angelus.

 

   Would he come to her again? Would he try and kill her or would they sleep together again? Was

 

she betraying Angel by wanting Angelus?

 

   Was she ever going to stop feeling this way?

 

   Buffy sighed and sat down on her bed. She hated feeling this way. She loved Angel. Not Angelus.

 

But when she was with him, she felt something that made her feel complete inside out. There was

 

something about how he would touch her or smile at her or make love to her that was familiar. The

 

only thing was she had been with Angel and he had never done those things the way Angelus did.

 

The two of them were complete opposites.

 

   Or were they?

 

   Buffy groaned at the confusing thoughts in her head as she walked over to her drawers and began

 

plundering for pajamas. She didn't even hear Angelus come in through her window or feel his arms

 

encircle her waist until seconds after.

 

   She gasped and turned around to face him, holding her sleepwear in her hand. Angelus laughed

 

and grabbed them, throwing them on the floor.

 

   "You don't need those."

 

   Buffy suddenly felt embarrassed. She looked away from him as he stroked her wet cheek. "Wha -

 

What are you doing here?"

 

   "Is that all I get for giving you thirty - five minutes of my precious time?" Angelus taunted.

 

   "I meant... You said that the next time we saw each other, that you'd try and kill me."

 

   Angelus shrugged. "I lied."

 

   Their eyes met and searched each other's, as if they were looking for something lost or important.

 

Before she knew it, Angelus slammed her up against her dresser and was kissing her. She wrapped

 

her arms around his neck giving in. Then she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist.

 

   Angelus kissed her wet neck before carrying her over to the bed. She removed his shirt quickly,

 

not stopping the kiss they were engaged in. He pushed her further up the bed and she pulled the

 

covers over them, pulling his lips back to hers.

 

   Angelus felt her hands run down his chest and undo his pants. He laughed at the smiling girl.

 

"You get right to the point, don't you?" he whispered.

 

   Buffy's smile grew and she rolled on top of him, planting kisses all over his mouth. She pulled his

 

pants and boxers off of him and fitted her wet body over his.

 

   Angelus couldn't believe her! She wanted him! Even after everything that he had said earlier that

 

morning! She wanted him just as much as he wanted her!

 

   That was a lot.

 

   He pulled her towel off of her and the two didn't move, taking in the sight of each other.

 

   That moment didn't last long.

 

   Buffy lowered her lips to his and shoved her tongue into his mouth. Angelus let his hands travel to

 

her hips, leaving them there for a few seconds, before traveling up to her back and stroking her.

 

   Buffy couldn't believe what she was doing. She was having sex with Angelus! Again! But she didn't

 

care. Maybe she wasn't thinking or maybe she knew exactly what in the hell she was doing.

 

Whatever the case, though, she loved the feeling she had at the moment.

 

   She moved up and let her breasts fall in front of his lips. Angelus took one at a time into his mouth,

 

causing her to moan loudly. He gazed up at her face and pulled her lips back to his. Then he rolled

 

on top of her and entered her quickly.

 

   Buffy gasped at the quick, hard movements he was making inside of her. Her gasps soon subsided

 

though and turned to moans of delight.

 

   Angelus laughed softly and bit down on her nipples. She pulled at the hair on his head as she felt

 

his teeth nibbling gently on her. He began to kiss her neck and whisper in her ear.

 

   "Are you going to hold back this time?"

 

   "No," she managed to answer, but her answer turned into a loud moan.

 

   Angelus held her tightly and sped up in his movements. Her hips moved with his as her legs were

 

wrapped tightly around his waist.

 

   "Angelus..."

 

   She was calling his name. She wasn't calling him Angel. Something came over Angelus that he

 

didn't know how or want to explain.

 

   Within minutes, they both came and Angelus collapsed onto his lover. Buffy kissed his forehead

 

that was covered in sweat. She kissed the side of his face and put her mouth to his ear.

 

   "My turn," she whispered. She rolled on top of Angelus and began to kiss him passionately.

 

Angelus rubbed her back and moved his hands down to her hips.

 

   Buffy felt herself flying away. Nothing mattered. How were her friends going to know? How would

 

her mom know? She was in L. A. and her friends were at home. No one would ever know.

 

   She positioned herself over him and impaled herself onto him. At that moment, she began to move.

 

Slowly then quickly.

 

   Angelus thrusted as hard as he could upwards as she began to moan. He teased her as he gave her

 

little pinches with his fingers on her hips. She bent down to kiss him, not slowing down at all, but her

 

lips never made it to his own. He pushed up farther into her, causing her to moan his name loudly.

 

   Buffy stopped moving as she felt her muscles go limp and she straightened her body on his. He

 

kissed her softly and she placed her head on his shoulder.

 

   "Was I good?" she asked softly, her fingers entwining in his.

 

   Angelus looked at their hands for a few seconds before looking at her. He couldn't lie to her

 

anymore. "You were good. Just like you always are."

 

   Buffy felt relief wash over her and all of her insecuritites leave her.

 

 

*Can you heal me of this self - conscious feeling that's taking over me?

 

Can you feel my shyness taking over my heart and soul?

 

Can you love me even when I might not be what you want me to be?

 

Can you help make myself whole?

 

Can you heal me of this self - conscious feeling that's taking over me?

 

Can you heal me of my insecurity?*

 

- Sunrise

 

 

Chapter Four : Secret

 

 

   "Why'd you come?" Buffy asked.

  

   Angelus didn't answer right away because he didn't know why he had come. Something had just

 

compelled him to see her.

 

   "I don't know," he finally answered.

 

   Buffy smiled and snuggled closer to him. "Whatever the reason... I'm glad you did."

 

   Angelus smiled and kissed her forehead. She didn't move, appearing to be deep in thought about

 

something. His smile faded and he stroked her face.

 

   "Hey. What's wrong?"

 

   Buffy sighed. She didn't want to tell him what she was feeling or what she was thinking about. It

 

would just ruin the moment they were having together.

 

   "Hey. Tell me," Angelus said.

 

   Buffy looked up at him and sighed heavily once more. "Today... My friends know what happened

 

between us last night. They went to the graveyard, checking up on me, and they found our clothes.

 

Needless to say, Xander was pretty mad."

 

   "What did everyone else think?"

 

   Buffy shrugged. "They were... I don't know. They felt sorry for me."

 

   Angelus looked away from her. "Because it was me."

 

   Buffy sat up and pulled his face back to hers. "No. Don't think that. Look... I don't know what's

 

going on with the two of us. I don't know why we can't seem to not jump into bed with each other

 

instead of trying to kill each other. I don't know why you aren't killing me now. I don't even know

 

why I am even letting you touch me. But I do know that I don't care that I don't know - If that

 

makes any sense to you."

 

   Angelus pulled her down to kiss her. This kiss was different from the ones they had shared before.

 

It was softer, more gentle. It felt more like the kisses Buffy had known from Angel.

 

   When it was over, Buffy layed back down and snuggled against Angelus. The two just stared at

 

each other, not knowing what to do or say. Finally, Buffy broke the silence.

 

   "Are you going to leave this time?"

 

   Angelus sighed. "I'll have to before the night is over. You know that. But I'm going to stay until

 

you go to sleep."

 

   Buffy smiled and wrapped her arm around his chest. "Good," she whispered.

 

   Angelus took her hand into his and kissed her fingertips. Buffy closed her eyes and sighed softly.

 

Angelus smiled down at her and kissed her forehed once more.

 

   "Sleep, baby," he ordered in a soft voice. Within moments, she was doing just that.

 

   Angelus didn't go to sleep. He just stared at the rise and fall of her chest. She was amazing. She

 

was everything he ever wanted. He was fascinated with her and never ever wanted to leave or hurt

 

her again.

 

   He just didn't know how to tell her that.

 

   But with the feelings he was beginning to have for her, came more feelings. Feelings he didn't like

 

having. He was a demon. He wasn't the same man she had fallen in love with. Sure, they were in the

 

same body, but the personalities were different.

 

   Or were they?

 

   Angelus gazed at the alarm clock on Buffy's desk and decided that he didn't have the time to

 

compare and contrast himself with Angel. He had to leave. It was already 5 : 00 in the morning. The

 

sun would be coming up in an hour.

 

   Swiftly, he stood up and began to put his clothes back on. As soon as he put his last piece of

 

clothing on, he headed towards Buffy's door. But something stopped him and turned back to look at

 

her.

 

   She stirred in her sleep and rolled over onto her side, facing her back towards him in her sleep. He

 

smiled and walked over to her, pulling the covers around her small body, and kissing her softly on

 

the cheek.

 

   Then he reluctantly left.

 

 

   Buffy groaned as she heard her telephone ring. "Arg," she said to herself, burying her face into

 

her pillow. "Go away."

 

   The telephone continued ringing.

 

   Buffy sat up in her bed, feeling a wave a nausea wash over as she did this. 'Great,' she thought.

 

'You really should have listened to Willow. You have the virus again.'

 

   The phone rang again, interrupting her thoughts. Buffy glared at the little machine on her table

 

beside her bed and picked it up.

 

   "Hello?"

 

   "Hi, Honey."

 

   Buffy smiled and placed her head in her hands. "Hey, Mom."

 

   "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

 

   "I think I've got the twenty - four hour virus again," Buffy answered, taking a deep breath to keep

 

from throwing up.

 

   "Again? That's the second time in nearly a month."

 

   "I know. Willow had it and her mom made her go to school. I probably got it from her."

 

   "I'm going to call Dr. Keats," Joyce said.

 

   "No, Mom. It's just the twenty - four. It will be gone tomorrow. I'm just gonna stay home today

 

and rest."

 

   "Maybe it's something else, though, Buffy. You can never be too sure."

 

   Buffy laughed softly at her mother's overprotectiveness. "I'm sure I'm going to be fine. Don't

 

worry."

 

   "Still," Joyce said. "You're my little girl and if something is wrong with you, I want to know. So,

 

I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Keats for the day I get back."

 

   "Okay."

 

   "Good. Now, are you being a good girl?"

 

   Buffy's mind wandered to the night before. For a moment, she could still feel Angelus' hands on

 

her. A smile formed on her lips and she laughed.

 

   "What have you done, Buffy?" Joyce asked worriedly, in fear that her house was destroyed.

 

   "It's nothing, Mom," Buffy insisted. "I was just pulling your leg."

 

   "You better be. I've gotta go, Honey. I'll see you when I get back."

 

   "I love you, Mom."

 

   "Love you, too."

 

   Buffy hung up the phone as soon as she heard a click on the other line. She crawled out of bed, but

 

sat back down as another wave of nausea hit.

 

   "It's okay, Buff. Just take deep breaths," she said to herself. After a few more minutes, Buffy

 

finally stood up and again and changed into sweat pants and a tank top. For a moment there, she

 

thought her sickness was gone, but she was wrong.

 

   She began to cough and ran for her bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

 

 

   Buffy sighed heavily as she finished brushing her teeth and walked out of her bathroom. She hated

 

being sick. She hated not being able to go to school and see Giles and the others. But that day, she

 

was actually grateful she was sick. She wasn't ready to face her friends. They probably thought she

 

was a slut or something and if they ever found out what she had done the night before, they'd hate

 

her.

 

   'It's for the better,' she thought to herself as she walked down the stairs and into her living room.

 

She thought about eating something, but quickly decided against it. She'd only throw it up. What

 

good would that do her?

 

   Buffy grabbed her remote control, turned on the T.V. and layed down on her couch. She changed

 

different channels and turned it to the news, searching for reports on vampire attacks. When she

 

saw that there had not been any, she changed that channel.

 

   After awhile - convinced that T.V. was of the lacking that day - she turned her television off and

 

went back up to her room.

 

   Buffy stopped in her doorway and stared at the towel that was lying on the floor. A smile arose on

 

her lips as she remembered the feel of Angelus' body on top of her own. Then she remembered his

 

words.

 

   'You were good. Just like you always are.'

 

   Had he meant those words? Did he honestly say that she was good to him?

 

   Buffy didn't care. She believed those words. She trusted him - As much as it frightened her to.

 

   She walked over, picked up the towel, and sat on her bed. She looked at the pillow where his head

 

had been. Slowly, she reached out and ran her fingers across the object before laying her own head

 

on it.

 

   Buffy breathed in deeply. His scent was still here. It felt just like he was beside her. Holding her.

 

She loved the feeling.

 

   Just as much as she was beginning to love him.

 

   She couldn't tell him that. He'd laugh at her, shake his head, and just say that she was his toy. Or

 

would he? He was being so gentle with her. And then there was that feeling of deja vu Buffy kept

 

having every time she was with him. Was he really there when she and Angel had made love? It

 

seemed to be the only explanantion. Angel had never done some of the things that Angelus did.

 

   Buffy shook the thoughts from her head as she felt herself go crosseyed. She just closed her eyes

 

and fell asleep, dreaming of the demon she loved.

 

 

   Angelus walked into Buffy's house and quietly shut the door. Worry overtook him as he heard her

 

coughing violently upstairs in her bathroom. He knew what was wrong with her and he sure as hell

 

didn't like it. He didn't want her being sick. He didn't want to see her suffer.

 

   Angelus rushed up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door. "Buffy?" he called.

 

   There was no answer. He heard her coughing some more and then he heard her begin to sob. He

 

couldn't take it anymore. He opened the door and walked in.

 

   Buffy was sitting and leaning in front of the toilet. Her face was red from coughing and throwing

 

up so much and now she was crying. Angelus knelt down beside her amd flushed the toilet.

 

   She looked up at him and shook her head. "What are you doing here? You're gonna get it - "

 

   "Don't talk right now. I can't get sick."

 

   Buffy laughed. "Oh, yeah." She took a few deep breaths and began to cry again. "I don't think I'm

 

done."

 

   "It's okay, Buffy. Just let it out," Angelus whispered as he rubbed her back under her tank top.

 

   "No... I'm tired of - " But she didn't finish her sentence as she began to throw up again.

 

   Angelus didn't even flinch. He was too worried about his lover to even think about how disgusting

 

it was. He wanted nothing more than for her to be well.

 

   When she was done, she began crying again. Angelus pulled her to him. "Are you done now?" he

 

asked softly.

 

   Buffy nodded her head against his chest, glad that he even cared. "Yeah."

 

   Angelus reached and flushed the toilet once more before going back to holding Buffy as she cried.

 

He opened the cabinet beside him and pulled out a bathcloth.

 

   "Hold on, baby," he said as he walked to the sink. Buffy watched as he wet and rung out the cloth

 

and sat back down beside her, wiping her face and mouth gently.

 

   Buffy stared up at him in amazement. He was willing to touch her and hold her while she was sick

 

as a dog. He was gazing at her with worried eyes and it warmed her heart. He cared for her.

 

   "Will you pass me the mouthwash over there?" Buffy asked softly.

 

   Angelus stood up and grabbed the liquid off of the sink. The tall bottle was not even half - way full.

 

He looked at her with an eyebrow raised.

 

   Buffy laughed at his expression. "I've used a lot," she explained.

 

   "Obviously," Angelus agreed, sitting back down beside her and passing her the bottle. Buffy

 

opened it and poured what was left into her mouth, swallowing it in the process. "Uh, Buffy?"

 

Angelus said.

 

   "What?"

 

   "Don't you know you're not supposed to swallow that stuff?"

 

   Buffy passed him the bottle and he set it on the counter. "It doesn't faze me," she answered. She

 

began to stand up, but then collapsed into Angel's arms.

 

   "It doesn't faze you, huh?"

 

   Buffy glared at him. "Oh, do shut up," she joked in her best British accent.

 

   Angelus laughed and kissed her forehead. She leaned her head against his shoulder and breathed

 

in deeply. "I feel so dizzy," she said.

 

   Angelus picked her up into his arms and carried her into her room. Buffy kept her arms around

 

his neck, not ever wanting to let go of him. Her lover set her down on the bed and walked over to her

 

dresser.

 

   "What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

 

   "Take off your shirt," he answered, searching through her drawers of clothes. There was a

 

moment of silence and he turned around to look at her. She had big eyes, as if she couldn't believe

 

what he was saying. It caused him to laugh softly.

 

   "No, Buffy. Not like that. I'm not going to take advantage of you. I might have a long time ago, but

 

not tonight," he explained, turning back to her dresser.

 

   Buffy smiled at his words. He did care for her. She thought it was so cute how he was trying to

 

hide his feelings. She hoped, though, that he would give in and be able to look her in the eyes and say

 

those things.

 

   Angelus finally pulled out one of Buffy's oversized t - shirts and walked over to sit on the bed with

 

her. She still hadn't taken her shirt off. He was about to ask why when she kissed him on the lips.

 

   "I want you to take it off of me," she whispered. Angelus swallowed hard, trying his best to not

 

kiss her again. He pulled her closer, reached behind her body, and pulled her tank top over her

 

head. Under her top, she wore a black bra, making it very hard for Angelus to not lay her down and

 

make love to her.

 

   Buffy stroked his cheek with the back of her hand and brought her lips closer to his. "What are

 

you doing?"

 

   Angelus didn't answer her question. He wasn't really sure what she meant. Was she asking what

 

he was doing at the moment? Was she asking what he was doing every night when he came to be

 

with her? Or was she asking about something that she herself had no idea what it was about? He

 

didn't know and he was starting to think she didn't either.

 

   Angelus grabbed the shirt and helped slip it over Buffy's head. His hands fell down to the

 

waistband of her sweat pants and she layed herself down on the bed. He didn't know it, but she was

 

testing him. She was seeing if he really did care for her for if he did, he would not take advantage of

 

her, no matter how much she tempted him.

 

   Angelus pulled her pants down off of her and threw them on the floor. She stayed in her position

 

before slowly rising and pushing him down on the bed. She kissed his lips and neck. Angelus felt his

 

hands slide up her shirt, no matter how much effort he put in trying to stop them.

 

   "I want you to make love to me," Buffy said, looking into his eyes.

 

   Angelus didn't know what to say. She had never uttered those words to him before. The both of

 

them had just thought that their affair was nothing more than wild sex, with absolutely no feelings of

 

love between them. He wanted more than anything to lay her down and do just what she was asking,

 

but he wasn't going to.

 

   "No, Buffy," he said. "I'm not doing that to you."

 

   "Why not?" Buffy asked, grazing his lips with hers. Angelus shook his head.

 

   "I will not take advantage of you like that."

 

   Buffy smiled. He really did care for her. "Do you want to, though?"

 

   Angelus hesitated. He didn't want her to know how he felt. She caught onto this quickly and kissed

 

him.

 

   "Remember what you told me?" she asked. "You told me to just let it go. So, just let it go. Do you

 

want to make love to me or not?"

 

   "I want that more than anything."

 

   Buffy smiled and layed down beside him. She placed her arm over his chest and snuggled her head

 

on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her waist and the other over her own on his body.

 

Softly, he kissed her forehead. She sighed. "Suddenly feeling better," she mumbled.

 

   "I..." Angelus didn't finish. He couldn't say it. Buffy sat up and stared deeply into his eyes.

 

   "You what?"

 

   "I have something to tell you... But I just can't tell you right now."

 

   Buffy nodded her head, knowing how he felt. She had to tell him something, too. Something she

 

couldn't bring herself to say, though.

 

   She had to tell him she loved him.

 

   "I've got to tell you something, too. It's just... I dunno. It doesn't seem right to tell you now."

 

   "I know," Angelus said. He had something very important to say to her.

 

   He was in love with her.

 

   Buffy layed back down and resumed her original position, the two of them falling asleep in each

 

other's arms. And for once in their lives, they knew peace.

 

 

*I've got a secret to tell you

 

I'll say it in a whispered hush

 

I've got three little words to say

 

I love you

 

But I don't know what you'll think

 

Will you push me away?

 

Will you welcome me into your heart?

 

I love you

 

I've got a secret*

- Sunrise

 

 

Chapter Five : Taste

 

February 19, 1998

 

The Library

 

 

   12/1/99 - Xander sat down in a chair and sighed. "She didn't answer the phone last night?" he

 

asked.

 

   Willow shook her head in response. "There was no answer. I thought about going over there, but I

 

decided against it."

 

   "Yeah. You wouldn't want to catch 'em getting pelvic."

 

   "Xander!" Cordelia said sternly.

 

   Willow laughed at the two of them. She wondered if what she had said the day before even

 

registered in Xander's pea - sized brain. Did he even know that she had loved him all those years?

 

Did he realize that that is why she knew to a certain degree what Buffy was going through?

 

   "Xander... I didn't go over because I think she needs some time alone. She's going through a lot," she explained.

 

   "When are you people going to learn that she's not going through a lot?!" Xander screamed.

 

"She's having sex with Angelus! The only thing she's going through is insanity!"

 

   "Gee, thanks, Xander."

 

   Everyone turned to see Buffy walk into the library. She was wearing a black spaghetti strapped

 

dress, heels, and her leather jacket. Xander stood up and swallowed hard.

 

   "Buffy," he said with a nervous laugh. "Didn't even hear you come in. How are you?"

 

   Buffy smiled and placed her hands on her hips. "Xander, Xander, Xander. Why are you all of a

 

sudden afraid of me? You scared that I'm gonna kick your ass?"

 

   Cordelia stiffled a laugh while everybody stared at her in amazement. They had never seen Buffy

 

like this before. She was so confident. So determined to show Xander that she didn't care what he

 

thought about her.

 

   Buffy felt her smile grow across her face. She wasn't going to be intimidated by Xander. She was

 

stronger now. Angelus had made her that way.

 

   "So, Buff," Xander started, preparing to get angry,"did you have fun sleeping with a demon the

 

other night?"

 

   Buffy folded her arms and looked up as if she was in deep thought. "Now, let's see," she said

 

mumbling to herself. "That was four nights ago, which makes that three nights ago - I'm sorry,

 

Xander," she said with a laugh. "You're going to have to be a little more specific. Are you talking

 

about before or after you found out because, to be honest, I'm a little confused on which night you're

 

talking about."

 

   Cordelia's mouth fell open, Willow stiffled a laugh, and Giles said,"Good Lord."

 

   'You slept with him again?!" Xander exclaimed.

 

   "It's not really any of your business what my sex life is like, but if you must know, I did. He came

 

the night after you guys found our clothes."

 

   "Buffy, how could you do such a thing?" Giles asked.

 

   Buffy turned her head to look at him. "I don't feel I have to explain myself to you guys."

 

   "Well, you better start explaining!" Xander yelled. Anger was all over him. She had slept with

 

Angelus! Again!

 

 

   "Why, Xander?" Buffy asked through gritted teeth. "So, you can yell at me and tell me how stupid

 

I was?! So, you can tell me how I sould live my life and ignore my feelings?! If that's the case, I'm

 

not telling you shit!"

 

   Willow stood up, walked over, and placed a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Just calm down."

 

   Buffy moved away swiftly from her touch. "I am not going to calm down! I am tired of him telling

 

me how to live my life or how stupid I am!"

 

   "So, stop acting like you are an incompetent fool and he might just stop, Buffy!" Giles exclaimed.

 

   Buffy looked over at him in surprise, but the shock soon faded. She knew he'd never except it

 

either.

 

   No big deal.

 

   Buffy scoffed. "I should have known you wouldn't be able to handle it," she mumbled as she

 

walked out of the library.

 

   Willow stared at Giles and Xander with her mouth hanging open. Weren't they going to run after

 

her? Weren't they going to try and talk to her?

 

   She decided to and followed Buffy.

 

   Buffy was standing at her locker when she saw Willow running towards her. 'Oh, God, please,

 

don't let her hate me, too,' she begged silently.

 

   "Buffy!" Willow called. "Where are you going?"

 

   Buffy saw a look in Willow's eyes. It was the same look that Giles and Xander's eyes held. Willow

 

was mad.

 

   Buffy turned around and began to walk away. "Buffy!" Willow called.

 

   "I'm skipping!" she answered, walking out of the school.

 

 

The Factory

 

 

   12/2/99 - Angelus sighed as he tossed and turned in his bed. He could not sleep. He was thinking

 

about Buffy. No, correction. He was worried about Buffy. She seemed pretty sick the night before

 

and he had to leave before she could even wake up. He didn't want to leave her like that.

 

   Not that he ever wanted to leave in any situation. He wanted to stay with her his every minute.

 

   This wasn't how it was supposed to have been. His original plan from three nights ago had been to

 

sleep with her and make her feel used - wasted. Instead, he had gone to her every night since then,

 

feeling a way he never thought he could feel. And every morning before sunrise, he'd leave feeling as

 

guilty as a human could feel.

 

   Angelus stared up at the ceiling as he wondered things. He was in love with Buffy. He knew that

 

now. He wondered if he always had. Or maybe his feelings weren't his at all. Maybe they were just

 

those of his soul.

 

   But he didn't have his soul, so how could those feelings be Angel's and not his?

 

   Could it be that he and Angel were the same person? It seemed logical enough. Angelus had been

 

there on Buffy's seventeenth birthday. He remembered clearly how he had kissed her, how he had

 

touched her, and how he had held her and kissed her tears away as her gift of innocence became his

 

to own. More than anything, he wanted to hold her like that again.

 

   But did she feel the same for him. Something deep inside told him that she did, but something else

 

told him that she was just using him as a replacement for the man she had lost that fateful night.

 

   Angelus stood up from his bed and paced the floor. There were too many questions and thoughts

 

racking his head. He didn't like it.

 

   'How do I tell her?' he thought. How was he to tell her that he loved her? He couldn't just very

 

well go up to her and say it. If she didn't feel the same way, she'd end up being convinced that all he

 

wanted her for was sex. That was in no way all he wanted her for. There was more to it.

 

   He wanted to be there for her when things weren't going so good. He wanted to be able to help her

 

get well when she was sick like he had the night before. He wanted to be able to walk up to her and

 

kiss her without it leading to sex. But how was he going to get those feelings out into words.

 

   Suddenly, Angelus had an idea. It was the nineteenth. That night would mean that one month ago,

 

Angel and Buffy had made love. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and it seemed like the right

 

time. But would she get scared and tell im to go away or would she kiss him deeply and passionately

 

and beg him to never to leave her.

 

   'You've gotta take your chances, man,' his mind said.

 

   It was settled. He was going to tell her tonight. It might come out as a whole big jumble of words

 

she would never be able to understand at first, but he'd get what he wanted to say out somehow.

 

   Angelus stopped pacing the floor as he felt his thoughts subside. The nervousness overtook him. He

 

let out a groan and plopped back onto his bed. With a glance at his clock, he saw that it was five

 

thirty. The sun had already set.

 

   "Thank God," he said aloud as he stood back up and grabbed his shirt. As he buttoned it, he heard

 

someone enter his room.

 

   "Where are you going?"

 

   Angelus nearly rolled his eyes in the back of his head as he heard Drusilla's voice. He wasn't

 

interested in dealing with her. She'd already been giving him the third degree ever since he started

 

disappearing every single night.

 

   "I'm going out," he answered as he walked past her to grab his duster.

 

   Drusilla threw her hand to her forehead as if she were in a great deal of unbearable pain. "She...

 

The slayer... She's taken you... She's taken..."

 

   Angelus sighed, realizing that she was having one of her premonitions. In that very moment, he

 

decided that he must have been going through some temporary insanity when he made her like him.

 

She was annoying as hell - Insane or not.

 

   "Dru -"

 

   "Kill her for me, Daddy. The slayer is to die. You said you'd kill her."

 

   Angelus didn't say anything. He was never going to agree to killing Buffy. He never ever wanted to

 

see her hurt. He'd give up his own life if it meant saving hers.

 

   "Dru, do me a favor," he started in a taunting voice,"Go call 1 - 800 - CHARTER."

 

   "She's taken you away from me," Drusilla said thriugh gritted teeth.

 

   "If you can't get help at Charter, please. Get help somewhere."

 

   Drusilla walked up to Angelus and looked into his eyes. Angelus knew what this meant. She was

 

going to try and hypnotize him. No way. Nada.

 

   "Sorry, Dru. I don't feel like playing," he said. He quickly slipped on his shoes and ran out of the

 

factory.

 

 

The Graveyard

 

 

   "C'mon, that can't be all you got!" Buffy quipped as she watched the vampire she was fighting fall

 

to the ground. He looked up and growled at her.

 

   "You're gonna die for that," he hissed.

 

   "Oooh, I'm really scared. I'm shaking in my heels." She reached through the sleeve of her leather

 

jacket and pulled out her stake, twirling it in her hands.

 

   "I'm ready for some fun."

 

   The vampire growled deeply and attacked. He sent a punch to Buffy's face, but she blocked it. He

 

tried to kick her, but she grabbed his leg and threw him on the ground. A deafening crack erupted

 

through the air as the demon landed on is back. Buffy smiled and wakled over beside him. He tried

 

to stand back up, but she slammed her heel down on his chest. He turned to dust and she sighed.

 

   "I'm good."

 

   "Yeah, you are," a voice said from behind.

 

   Buffy felt her smile grow as big as it could and turned around to see him. As usual, he was wearing

 

his leather pants and silk shirt, complete with duster. But that night, he seemed different. Buffy

 

couldn't very well figure it out, but she knew something wasn't the same.

 

   "Hey," she greeted, walking up to him and kissing him lightly on the lips. It was the first time she

 

had done that without it leading to sex.

 

   "Hey," he said back softly. "Are you feeling better?"

 

   Buffy laughed at how worried he was. "Yes, I'm fine. Will you walk me home? I'm kinda tired of

 

slaying." She laughed. "Hell. I'm kind of tired from everything."

 

   "What happened?" Angelus asked, the two beginning to walk out of the graveyard.

 

   "Angelus, I really don't think -"

 

   "You don't have to call me that anymore," he interrupted.

 

   Buffy placed her hand on his arm, urging him to stop, and stared at him in confusion. "I thought

 

you didn't like for me to call you Angel."

 

   He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I like Angel better. It doesn't take that long to say. See : Angel.

 

Angelus." He formed the words in syllables and Buffy couldn't help but laugh. He smiled and the

 

two began to walk again.

 

   "So, what happened that's got you so tired?" Angelus asked again.

 

   "Today... I went to school and we all got into a screaming match. Xander, I'm pretty sure, thinks

 

I'm a slut."

 

   "Do you think that you're a slut?"

 

   Buffy shook her head. "No. I don't." She grabbed his hand into her own. "I'm just a girl... with a

 

guy. It's simple."

 

   Angelus smiled as the two made their way to Buffy's house. Nothing was said as they moved. You

 

could barely tell, but there was tension between the two. They both desperately had to get something

 

out of their systems. They couldn't keep their feelings locked up inside. It might result in disaster if

 

they did.

 

   Buffy looked at her lover. He was looking down at the ground as they walked slowly. Something

 

was on his mind and she could sense it. She couldn't sense what it was, however. Did he sense the

 

thoughts that were weighing heavy on her mind?

 

   She had to tell him. 'I love you,' she thought, gazing up at him. After a few more seconds, she

 

laughed softly and looked down at the ground.

 

   Angelus smiled and turned his head to her. "What's so funny?"

 

   "Nothing," she said, shaking her head. "I was just thinking about things."

 

   "What kinds of things?"

 

   "I'll tell you soon enough."

 

   "Okay," Angelus replied. He wasn't going to push her into something she didn't want to do or

 

say. It was her choice to tell him something - not his own.

 

   Within moments, the two were walking up to her door. But as they did, Buffy tightened her grip

 

on Angelus' arm. He placed his arm around her waist to hold her up.

 

   "Buffy, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

 

   Buffy shook her head. When she tried to open her eyes, black dots appeared in front of her. "I - I

 

don't know... I just feel so dizzy... Angel -" Bu she didn't finish her sentence as she collapsed into his

 

arms. He picked her up gently and carried her to the door. He set her down for a second, just to

 

open the door, only to pick her up again and carry her into the house, kicking the door shut.

 

   Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her head on his shoulder. He was going to

 

take care of her. She had nothing to worry about. Nothing was wrong.

 

   So, why did she feel like her world was about to crash?

 

   Angelus carried her up to her room and set her down on the bed. She closed her eyes and breathed

 

in deeply. She felt as if her body were floating away. She knew what this meant. She was fixing to

 

pass out.

 

   Angelus caressed her forehead as she held onto his hand. "Do you want me to take you to the

 

doctor?"

 

   "No," she said, shaking her head. "No doctors. I'm fine... This just happens sometimes."

 

   Angelus wasn't convinced. She was supposed to be over her virus. Was it coming back or did she

 

have something much worse?

 

   "I think I'm gonna pass out," Buffy managed to say. Tears began to blur her eyes. This hadn't

 

been the first time something like this had happened. She had passed out three times within the past

 

month. The only reason she was crying was because she didn't want to pass out again.

 

   Angelus pulled her body up to his and held her as she cried. "Shh," he whispered, stroking her

 

back lovingly. "If you have to, go ahead. I'm going to stay with you. You'll be okay."

 

   Buffy wiped tears from her eyes and let out a small laugh as she heard him say this. Weeks before,

 

she never ever would have wanted to be alone with him. He would have killed her. But now, it's all

 

she wanted to do. She trusted him completely. He would never hurt her.

 

   Angelus rocked her gently and he felt her go limp in his arms. He didn't have to look at her face to

 

know. She had gone unconsciousness. Part of him wanted to run and take her to the hospital, but he

 

didn't. He wouldn't go against her wishes. If she didn't want to go, he wasn't going to face her.

 

   He told himself that everything was okay and layed her light body back down. Then, he walked

 

down the stairs, to let her rest.

 

 

   Angelus took his duster and his shoes off and sat down on the couch in Buffy's living room. She

 

had been out for nearly five minutes. The only reason he knew this was because he had been running

 

up and down the stairs checking on her.

 

   He didn't like this. He didn't like this one bit. Something was seriously wrong with her. He didn't

 

know what, but he was determined to find out.

 

   As Angelus began to close his eyes and pray silently for his love, he felt something snuggle up

 

against him. He opened his eyes and there was Buffy in her black dress, taking comfort beside him.

 

   Angelus immediately pulled her face to his. "Are you okay?"

 

   Buffy laughed. "Yes, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

 

   Angelus kissed her and held her. "You had me worried."

 

   Buffy looked up at him in surprise. "You were worried about me?"

 

   Angelus didn't answer. He was prepared to tell her. He had to tell her. It was the only way he was

 

going to know peace with himself and happiness with her.

 

   Buffy wasn't surprised at his silence. He had always been like that. She was admitting it fully now.

 

Angelus and Angel were the same person. Just because one acted differently didn't mean anything.

 

Humans do it. They act like something one day and then another the next. Buffy knew it was just a

 

natural quality everyone possessed. Angel's life just took it to the extreme.

 

   They were the same person. This was the same man that had made love to her exactly one month

 

before. She knew now why the touches and the kisses and the smiles he had given to her were

 

familiar. They were the same ones she had seen on his face the first time they made love.

 

   She was ready to tell him. She had to tell him.

 

   Neither one said a thing as Buffy pushed herself closer to kiss him passionately on the lips. Angelus

 

wrapped his arms around her waist and returned the kiss deeply.

 

   Within moments, the two were in Buffy's room. Angelus had her up against the wall and they were

 

kissing uncontrollably. Buffy began to unbutton his shirt and felt his hand slide up and down the

 

side of her leg. She moaned and he kissed her neck.

 

   Angelus tried to stop himself. He couldn't do this. He didn't want her to think that all he wanted

 

her for was sex. It was not true. He loved her.

 

   Finally, he pulled away from her.

 

   Buffy stared at him in surprise as she tired to control his breathing. What was he doing? Was he

 

tired of her already?

 

   She shook her head and laughed. "I should have known."

 

   "Should have known what?"

 

   Tears sprang up in her eyes. All that she felt, all that she thought was true, felt like a lie to her

 

now. How could she tell him she loved him when he didn't feel the same way?

 

   "I should have known... that the day would come... when you wouldn't want me anymore," she

 

answered softly.

 

   Angelus shook his head. "No, Buffy. Don't think that." He pulled her to him and they sat on her

 

bed together.

 

   "Listen," he began,"I have something to tell you. I don't know how I'm going to get this out, but -"

 

   He was interrupted as Buffy pulled his lips to hers. She was going to do anything to keep him -

 

anything at all.

 

   "Just tell me."

 

   "I love you," he whispered.

 

   Buffy had to control herself from not gasping aloud. Had she heard him right? Had he just said

 

that he loved her? Had she been dreaming? Was she dreaming now? A thousand thoughts and

 

questions were running through her head, but she didn't pay them no mind. All she cared about was

 

that now she knew how he felt.

 

   Angelus felt as if a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He had told her. Now, all he had to do,

 

was see if she felt the same way.

 

   Buffy kissed him softly and slowly before whispering those same three words.

 

   "I love you so much it hurts," she added through tears. "And I never wanted to tell you because I

 

thought that you wouldn't want me anymore and more than anything I wanted you and I just -"

 

   "Shh. It's okay." Angelus stroked her face and she felt something cold and metal against her

 

cheek. She grabbed his hand and looked down at the claddagh ring on his hand. It was no longer

 

with the heart pointing away from him. It was facing him. He belonged to somebody. He belonged to

 

her. This was proof of how he felt.

 

   "I turned it around before I came to see you tonight," he said as if picking up on the questions in

 

her mind. Buffy felt the tears stream down her face. She wiped them away and reached over to her

 

table by her bed. Angelus watched as she grabbed her own claddagh ring and slipped it on her

 

finger.

 

   Buffy smiled through her tears and grabbed his face with her hands. "I love you," she whispered

 

again.

 

   Angelus tried his hardest not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his face, but they did. Buffy just

 

wiped them away as he did the same to hers. Then they kissed passionately. Buffy wrapped her arms

 

around his neck and he wrapped his around her waist. They slowly fell back onto the bed and their

 

hearts knew peace.

 

 

*I'm gonna taste your love

 

Taste your skin

 

Taste the feeling of me within

 

Your soul, oh, I'm gonna taste your caress

 

Taste your kiss

 

Taste a feeling that's just like this

 

Love that I found in you, oh

 

I'm gonna taste you*

 

 

   12/6/99  - "Xander, we really shouldn't be here," Willow said as she hurried to catch up with her

 

friend.

 

   Xander ignored her. How could she be so stupid to believe that Buffy was not with Angelus?! It

 

was the anniversary of her birthday, for crying out loud! Angelus was probably going to try and kill

 

her after he slept with her! Xander knew he was alone in his idea, but that was okay. He was a man

 

who stood for what he believed and right then, he believed that Buffy was gettin' her some.

 

   "Xander, please!" Willow pleaded, grabbing his arm and twisting him around.

 

   "What?!"

 

   Willow took a moment to catch her breath. She had been running after Xander ever since they

 

had left the library twenty minutes ago.

 

   "Just... leave them alone," she said between heavy pants.

 

   Xander's mouth fell open. "How can you say that?! Don't you know he's gonna kill her?!"

 

   Willow shook her head. "He won't kill her. I know Buffy. She - She wouldn't be doing this if... if

 

she didn't believe that he was Angel."

 

   "So, what? You're just saying that he has his soul back? How, Will? In case you haven't noticed,

 

Giles has cut off all contact with Ms. Calender and the last time they spoke, she said she couldn't

 

find a way to bring Angel back! There is no way that he could have his soul back unless he never lost

 

it at all!"

 

   "Maybe he didn't."

 

   Xander shook his head and began to walk away. "I'm not hearing this. I'm not hearing this."

 

   "Just listen to me, damn it!" Willow exclaimed.

 

   Xander stopped dead in his tracks and turned back to her. He knew when Willow meant business

 

and this was one of those times.

 

   "You and I both know that something happened on Buffy's birthday -"

 

   "Yeah, she slept with a corpse. Continue."

 

   Willow rolled her eyes. "But you know that something happened to Angel that night. He changed.

 

He wasn't the same man that Buffy had fallen in love with. He hated her after that."

 

   "Hated? No, no. You're using the past tense. I think the word you're searching for is hates. Not

 

hated. Present tense."

 

   "I can't use the present tense when I knew that he doesn't hate her. I've thought about this a lot

 

today. Maybe... I dunno. Angelus could have fallen in love with her. Maybe he always had been in

 

love with Buffy. He was in the same body as Angel was. It could be possible that they share the same

 

feelings. They don't share the same personalities, but everybody's personalities change every once in

 

a while. You can be happy and peppy one mintue and then downright angry the next!"

 

   "Are you saying that Angel and Angelus are the same person?"

 

   Willow nodded her head. That was exactly what she was saying. She knew how Buffy felt for

 

Angel, but she knew how she felt for Angelus. She would never have stood up to Xander like she had

 

that morning if she didn't care for her lover. Anyone would have to be blind to not see that.

 

   And she knew Xander chose to be.

 

   Xander laughed. "You're full of it." He began to walk away and in the direction of Buffy's house.

 

   Willow could only follow.

 

 

   12/8/99 - Angelus held her body against his as he kissed her softly on her neck. Buffy moaned and

 

held his head there as he moved slowly inside of her. This time was different and they both knew it.

 

They were expressing how they felt for each other. The times before it had just been meaningless

 

sex. But there was something about this time. Something more gentle in the both of them.

 

   "Angel..." Buffy moaned.

 

   Angelus kissed the side of her face. "I love you," he whispered into her ear.

 

   Buffy felt tears spring up into her eyes as she held onto tightly to him. "I love you, too."

 

   Angelus smiled and kissed her on the lips as the two made gentle, passionate love just like they had

 

been wanting to for the longest time.

 

 

   "Xander!" Willow hissed as she followed him into Buffy's house. Her voice was just above a

 

whisper. If anything was going on upstairs, she didn't want them to know they were there.

 

   "What?!" Xander exclaimed, his tone the same.

 

   "Please. Let's just go."

 

   "No!"

 

   "Xander, just leave them alone! If they are together, let them be that way! Can't you see that

 

Buffy is in love with him?!"

 

   "Can't you see how stupid you are being?!"

 

   Willow sighed and threw her hands up in the air. "I give up! If you want to go in there and see the

 

girl that you were in love with for a year and a half, sleeping with somebody that's not you, then go

 

ahead! Be my guest!"

 

   "Fine!" Xander stormed up the stairs. He was careful not to stomp up the stairs. A part of him

 

really didn't want to catch his best friend in the act with the man he hated - the man she was sworn

 

to hate.

 

   He came up to the door of her room. As he reached for the knob, he felt wonderment wash over

 

him. Did he really want to know? Did he really want to find out? What would he do if they were in

 

there having sex? Would he storm in right in the middle of it? Would he try and kill Angelus? What

 

would he do?

 

   Xander shook the wuestions away as he carefully opened the door just a little. It was enough for

 

him to see, but enough for them to see him.

 

   He had been right. They had slept together. But... somehow... they looked different. Buffy was

 

cuddled up against him and she had her arm around his chest. He had his arm around her back and

 

was stroking it as the two were falling asleep.

 

   Barely - just barely - Xander heard Buffy whisper,"I love you." Xander thought anger would be

 

there, but it wasn't. Sadness was. He had finally faced reality in that one moment. Buffy wasn't his

 

and she was never going to be.

 

   The next thing he heard was enough to make him want to kill every single thing of the demon and

 

human race.

 

   Angelus kissed Buffy's forehead and whispered those same three words to her.

 

   Xander shut the door softly as soon as he heard Angelus. Against his will, he fell to the floor in

 

shock. Buffy was with him. They told each other that they loved one another.

 

   'He loves her,' he thought. 'She loves him... HOW DEEPLY SCARY IS THAT?!'

 

   He didn't want to stay another minute. He quickly walked down the stairs and returned to his

 

redheaded friend. She was still standing at the door, her arms crossed, and she was tapping her foot.

 

   "I told you so," she said.

 

   "Save it," Xander said, walking out of the house. Willow followed him as he started down the

 

street.

 

   12/9/99 - "I told you! You're still in love with her, aren't you?!"

 

   "Shut up, Will!" Xander screamed back.

 

   Willow wasn't going to listen to him. She was going to get what she had to say out. Swiftly, she

 

grabbed his arm and turned him around.

 

   "Admit it! You are still in love with Buffy! You are jealous as hell that that's not you in bed with

 

her!" she yelled, pointing to her friend's house.

 

   Xander jerked his arm away. "I don't love Buffy! You have no right to say that I still feel

 

something for her!"

 

   "And you have no right to want and ruin her happiness! I know you too well, Xander Harris!

 

You're planning something! I know you! If you haven't planned something yet, you will! You aren't

 

happy until you get what you want and you want Buffy and not me!"

 

   Xander stared at her in confusion. How did their conversation jump from Buffy to Willow? "What

 

are you talking about?!"

 

   "I loved you!" Willow burst out. "Not in a best friend way, either! I loved you like she loves him! I

 

loved you more than anything in this world! But you didn't love me back! You're just a coward,

 

Xander!" The redhead turned around and began to walk off, but a stunned Xander followed her. He

 

wasn't thinking about what he had just seen in Buffy's home. Well, he was thinking about it, but now

 

he had something to else to wonder about.

 

   "What do you mean you loved me?!"

 

   "I loved you!" Willow answered as she felt tears spring up in her eyes. She couldn't keep this a

 

secret any longer. Buffy was right. She had to tell him how she felt.

 

   "Do you not love me anymore?!"

 

   Willow scoffed. "Oh, I'm sure you'd feel flattered if I did!"

 

   Xander grabbed her by her arm and whipped her around much like she had done to him minutes

 

before. "Answer me, Will!"

 

   Willow shook her head. "No! I don't love you anymore! I've got Oz! At least, he noticed me while

 

you were off in the broom closet with Cordelia or checking out and complaining about not being

 

with Buffy!"

 

   Xander just stared at her in amazement. Willow had loved him. He never knew it. He never even

 

noticed it. How could he have been so stupid?! He thought back to all the times she had given him

 

subtle hints. How could he have not known?!

 

   Willow shook her arm as if to get it away from him. Tears were streaming down her face. "Please,

 

Xander," she pleaded in a whisper. "Just let me go."

 

   "No!"

 

   "Xander, dammit, you're hurting me!" she screamed, yanking her arm away from him.

 

   "Why didn't you ever tell me?!"

 

   "Because you're an idiot! That's why!"

 

   "You wanna be like that, fine! I don't care! But I am not going to watch Buffy be with him!"

 

   Willow shrugged. "Fine!"

 

   "Fine!"

 

   "... Good!"

 

   "Good!"

 

   The next thing they knew, they were kissing. It was everything Willow had ever wanted. She was

 

still in love with him and it killed her to be feeling this way. She was with Oz. He was with Cordelia

 

and there were more important things that they had to worry about than kissing.

 

   Xander jumped away along with Willow. They were both gasping for breath and Xander suddenly

 

began to wonder why he was always in a fight with a girl before he kissed them.

 

   "What just happened?" Willow asked, regaining her composure.

 

   "I don't know."

 

   "That was wrong!"

 

   "Very wrong!"

 

   Willow shook her finger at him. "Shame on you!"

 

   "Me?!" Xander asked baffled.

 

   "Just... leave me alone, Xander!" With that, Willow took off.

 

   Xander sighed as he turned around and began to walk to his house. He had just kissed Willow.

 

Willow Rosenberg! She had been his friend since kindergarten! What was up with that?! She had

 

loved him?! How could she have loved him?! Xander might have thought of himself as hot stuff, but

 

that was only to build self - esteem or to make his friends laugh when they were feeling down.

 

   But Xander's thoughts were interrupted as two hands grabbed him from behind.

 

   "Holy -"

 

   Spike brought his hands over Xander's mouth. "You scream, so help me, I'll snap your bloody

 

neck!"

 

   12/12/99 - Xander didn't even so much as squeak as Spike slowly pulled his hand away. The boy

 

was in pure amazement. Spike was supposed to be in a wheelchair. He wasn't supposed to be

 

walking around Sunnydale and quite possibly killing people.

 

   "You... How -"

 

   "Quit babbling like the idiot that you are and listen very closley to me," Spike said. "I -"

 

   "No way! You're not gonna trick me and then go slurp, slurp, slurp! That's not the way it goes!"

 

Xander swiftly grabbed a stick off of the ground and Spike held his hands up in the air.

 

   "Whoa, mate! I just wanna talk!"

 

   "About what?" Xander asked.

 

   Spike gulped. "About Angelus. Just... Wait a second, what I am saying?" He grabbed the stick,

 

threw it, and turned back to Xander.

 

   "Don't ask me why I was afraid of a pipsqueak like you. Must be that wheelchair thing. It whips

 

ya."

 

   Xander's mouth fell open. "I got one question," he said.

 

   Spike sighed. He was wasting his time with this boy. For a minute there, he thought about eating

 

him, but decided against it. Xander was the only one that hated Angelus just as much as he did.

 

Xander was Spike's one way ticket to making Drusilla happy.

 

   "Why are you talking to me and not killing me?"

 

   "Because I need to discuss something with you."

 

   "What could you possibly want to discuss with me?"

 

   "I need your help."

 

    Xander began to laugh out loud, causing Spike to raise an eyebrow and become angry. "And what

 

in the hell do you find so funny?"

 

   "Nothing," Xander answered between laughs. "I just... I thought you said that you needed my

 

help. I just find that funny." He continued laughing.

 

   "I did say that."

 

   Xander immediately stopped laughing. "And the funny keeps coming."

 

   "My Dru is unhappy -"

 

   "And I care because?"

 

   "You shut your hole! She's unhappy because Angelus has been with the slayer doing God knows

 

what kind of orgies!"

 

   Xander felt his anger from earlier rise again. "Don't even talk about it."

 

   "So, I'm assuming you saw them together tonight?"

 

   "Basically."

 

   "Be glad you didn't walk in right when the both of them got happy as you people put it." Spike

 

shuddered as he remembered looking in Buffy's window from a tree he was in. To a vampire, it had

 

to be the one thing that could make him want to stake himself.

 

   Xander ignored what Spike said and continued. "So, Dru's unhappy because Angel is with Buffy?"

 

   "Yes! As much as it kills me to say this, I need him to be with my Dru! I'd do anything to make her

 

happy! She hasn't been the same these past five days! She doesn't coo. She doesn't name the stars.

 

She doesn't even change her bloody Ms. Edith!"

 

   Xander gave him a questioning look. "It's her doll," Spike explained.

 

   "Oh."

 

   "Look, I need you to help me. I don't want you to kill Angelus, as much as I want him dead. I just

 

need for you to talk to him. Get him away from the slayer."

 

   "She has a name, you know. It's Buffy."

 

   Spike rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Angelus has changed. He's in love with the girl. He's back to

 

being the same whipped man he used to be only this time, without a soul. If you talk to him and tell

 

him how bad he is for the slayer, he'll most likely leave her alone."

 

   "Why is that?"

 

   "He'd do anything for her. He's in love with her."

 

   "First of all, Angelus is not in love with Buffy, Buffy is not in love with Angelus, and this

 

relationship that they have is just so that they can get pelvic every once in a while and not feel guilty

 

about doing it!"

 

   "You're a very strange man," Spike said to the boy. "Now, are you going to help me or do I have

 

to leave you on the slayer's bloody steps with your neck snapped?"

 

   Xander just felt like this was his chance. He could get rid of Angel...

 

 

Chapter Six : Young

 

 

   12/18/99 - Angelus smiled as Buffy snuggled up closer to him in her sleep. He had never been as

 

happy as he was right then with her. She was something that he had been searching for for his entire

 

life and she had something that no other girl would ever had. Angelus couldn't place his finger on

 

what it was though. He had no idea. All he knew, was that the mortal goddess that lay beside him

 

was the one he wanted to share eternity with.

 

   He wasn't going to make her like him - God, no! That wasn't what he intended for the two of them.

 

He planned on being there for her through everything. She was still young and right then in her life,

 

she needed someone to hold on to. Her friends were angry with her, her mother never seemed to pay

 

attention to her, her father lived in L.A. and probably never wanted to see her all that much, she

 

had to fight for her life every night, and then she had to try and please everybody, even if it meant

 

sacrificing her wants.

  

   Maybe that was what Buffy had that other girls didn't. She had a kind spirit - Towards humans,

 

anyway. If ever someone was in danger, Buffy would help. If her life was to be taken by helping

 

somebody she loved, so be it. From what Angelus saw, Buffy would do just about anything if it meant

 

keeping those she held dear safe.

 

   So, he was going to return the favors she had done for so many people. He'd be there for her. If

 

her friends and her mother and her father were that stupid to not want this... angel God had sent to

 

them in the form of an innocent seventeen year old girl, that was fine. He loved her. He wanted her.

 

   And he would always be there.

 

   "Hey," Angelus said to the girl that was stirring beside him.

 

   Buffy slowly opened her eyes. Not everything was registering at first, but then it came back to her.

 

Angelus had said he loved her. To prove it, he had made love to her. Buffy suddenly blushed at the

 

realization that her body was absolutely glowing.

 

  Angelus saw her cheeks grow red and laughed. "What are you embarrassed about?"

 

  "Nothing," she answered. "Everything's perfect."

 

  There was a silence between them for a few seconds. Buffy reached up and pulled his lips down to

 

hers and kissed him softly. This was what she had dreamed of. It was the same person she had fallen

 

in love with. The very thought of him made her heart seem to soar.

 

   When it was over, Buffy sighed and placed her head back onto his chest. Angelus leaned his head

 

down to kiss her forehead. He began stroking her back as she wrapped her arm around him.         

 

"When's your mom coming home?" he asked.

 

   Buffy looked up at him. "How did our pillow talk go from how I felt to when my mother was

 

coming home?"

 

   Angelus laughed. "It's just a question, baby."

 

   "She's coming home some time tonight. Why do you ask?"

 

   "Because I want to know how long I can stay with you today."

 

   "You're not leaving when the sun rises?"

 

   "Not unless you want me to."

 

   "I want you to stay," Buffy said with a smile curled up on her lips.

 

   "You sure?"

 

   Buffy glared up at him. "No, I want you to leave and become a crispy critter while you walk to the

 

factory," she said sarcastically.

 

   "You little Smart - ass."

 

   Buffy laughed. "You love it. Admit it."

 

   Angelus' face softened. "I love you."

 

   Her laughing subsided and Buffy reached up to caress her lover's face. She needed him in her life.

 

It didn't matter what anyone thought about her or their relationship. Nothing mattered except the

 

two of them. That was all they needed to survive.

 

   "I love you, too."

 

   Angelus kissed her passionately on the lips before the two dozed off again.

 

 

   "You have to go!" Buffy hissed in a whisper.

 

   Angelus nodded his head as he crawled out Buffy's bedroom window. "Buffy!" a voice rang out.

 

   "She's here! You have got to go!"

 

   "I know. Just one more."

 

   Buffy laughed and rolled her eyes as she kissed him on the lips. "I love you," she whispered.

 

   "I love you, too."

 

   "Buffy!"

 

   "Go! I'll see you tomorrow."

 

   Angelus nodded his head again and held up a finger. Buffy sighed and kissed him again.

 

   "Okay," he said. "I can go now."

 

   "Finally!"

 

   Angelus glared at her as he jumped and landed on his feet onto the ground. Buffy watched with a

 

smile as he walked away reluctantly from her house.

 

   "Buffy!" Joyce called as she knocked on her daughter's door.

 

   "Shit," Buffy muttered. She finished puttting on her clothes just as soon as her mother walked in.

 

   Joyce was smiling from ear to ear. "Hi, Honey," she said, walking over to hug Buffy.

 

   "Hey, Mom."

 

   Joyce tucked a piece of hair behind Buffy's ear. "Are you feeling better?"

 

   Buffy nodded her head. "Yeah. Everything's great."

 

   Joyce gave her daughter a strange look. "You seem more... Nothing."

 

   "No, what?"

 

   "You just seem more... happy. You must have missed me," Joyce joked.

 

   Buffy laughed and hugged her mom once more. "I love you, Mom."

 

   "I love you, too... but you're still going to the doctor."

 

   Buffy groaned and pulled away. Folding her arms across her chest, she sat on her bed, pouting. It

 

was bad enough that Joyce had to come home two hours earlier, but she was still taking Buffy to the

 

doctor?!

 

   'Geez,' Buffy thought.

 

   "You might wanna get some sleep. You have to go to the gallery with me tomorrow," Joyce

 

informed.

 

   Buffy's eyes grew wide. "What?!"

 

   "Oh, Honey, it's not the end of the world!"

 

   "Maybe not for you, but for me it's like the... the... apocalypse!"

 

   "Oh, Buffy, honestly! I have some inventory to take care of and it should last me until your

 

appointment. What? You don't want to go?"

 

   "Haven't we established this little thing already?"

 

   "Get some sleep. We have to get up at 8 : 00."

 

   "8 : 00?!"

 

   Joyce smiled and made her way out of Buffy's room. "Very early."

 

   "A rooster doesn't even get up that early on a Saturday!"

 

   "Go to sleep." With that, Joyce shut her daughter's door. Buffy groaned and fell backwards on

 

her bed. As she did, a wave of nausea hit her. She immediately sat back up and shut her eyes, willing

 

it away.

 

   It didn't work.

 

   "Mom," she said to herself as she stood up and walked out of her room. "Mom..."

 

   Joyce came out of her room and saw Buffy clutching at her stomach. Quickly, she ran over and felt

 

of Buffy's forehead. "You don't have a fever."

 

   "I don't feel so good," Buffy stated.

 

   Joyce led her daughter to the bathroom an shut the door behind them.

 

 

   "I still don't understand why I have to be here," Buffy complained as she sat down in her chair

 

across from her mother.

 

   "No, Buffy. We have no reason to be here. You've just been throwing up and feeling dizzy for a

 

few days and it can't be the twenty - four hour virus if it lasts that long, so you're right. Why are we

 

here?" Joyce replied sarcastically.

 

   Buffy glared at her mom. Honestly, the woman could make her want to puke. Then again, it could

 

be what she had for lunch.

 

   "You are breaking the eleventh commandment," Buffy said.

 

   Joyce gave her a quizzical look. "The eleventh commandment?"

 

   "Thou shalt not abuse the art of sarcasm!"

 

   Joyce rolled her eyes. "Really, Buffy, you are being very immature about the whole situation."

 

   "Well, I'm sorry, but when a nurse comes in, tells me there's a new policy, and I have to have

 

blood drawn from my precious body, I have a tendency to be immature about a lot of things." She

 

rubbed the spot on her arm where they had taken blood. They had put alcohol and a band - aid on

 

it, but it still hurt like hell.

 

   Before Joyce could say one word, Dr. Keats walked in. She was a fairly young woman and Buffy

 

liked her. The woman seemed to know where she was coming from on a lot of things. Such as, why

 

did she have to be a the doctor's office anyway.

 

   But at the moment, Buffy saw Dr. Keats flash her a sad look. Something was wrong. She didn't

 

have to say it because Buffy could tell from her look that Dr. Keats thought Joyce did the right thing

 

by bringing her there.

 

   "I have a few questions to ask," Dr. Keats said, sitting down in a chair.

 

   "Is there something wrong?" Joyce asked worriedly.

 

   "That's what we're trying to rule out," she answered. She turned back to Buffy and moved her

 

chair closer to the girl. "Buffy, I don't mean to treat you like a child... but what I am going to ask

 

you may be very sensitive to you. I want you to answer me truthfully."

 

   "Okay," Buffy agreed with a slight laugh. She had no idea where this woman was going and a part

 

of her didn't want to know.

 

   Dr. Keats sighed heavily. "You'd be surprised by how many times a week nowadays I have to ask

 

a girl this, but I have to know. Buffy... some things turned up when we took blood. I need to know so

 

as I can rule it out as to what is wrong with you."

 

   "What is it?"

 

   The doctor hesitated before finally asking. "Buffy, are you sexually active?"

 

   Joyce laughed loudly. "Of course not! My Buffy! That's crazy!" She looked at the doctor and saw

 

that the face she wore was dead serious. Joyce's smile faded. "That's insane. Right? Buffy?"

 

   Dr. Keats tunred back to Buffy who was hanging her head. Pity came down upon the doctor. Here

 

was this young girl, whose mother obviously didn't know a thing that was going on in her life. From

 

what she saw, Joyce treated Buffy like a small child still in kindergarten. More than anything, Dr.

 

Keats wanted to help the girl.

 

   She grabbed Buffy's hands and urged her to look up. Buffy did and felt tears begin to form. She

 

was caught. Everything was going to come out now. What was wrong with her? Did she have some

 

STD? Was she going to die?

 

   Or was it something else?

 

   "C'mon, Buffy, answer me," Dr. Keats urged. "No one here is going to be mad at you if you just

 

tell the truth. Have you been sexually active at any time?"

 

   Buffy gazed over at her mother. Shock was painted all over her face. Buffy felt guilt begin to

 

override her. She had lied.

 

   "Buffy, answer me."

 

   She looked down at the ground and nodded her head. Joyce gasped loudly, but Dr. Keats ignored

 

her. She was used to the sound coming from either mothers or fathers.

 

   "Okay, Buffy. Now, I need to know how many times and when you have had sex with someone."

 

   Buffy looked up at her with tear - filled eyes. "Please," she pleaded in a whisper. "Don't make me

 

do this."

 

   "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I have to know. I can't tell you what's wrong with you until I know when

 

you have had sex. Now, when was the last time that you can think of."

 

   Buffy gazed once more at her mother and back at the woman in front of her. One face was full of

 

shock and anger and the other was full of pity and compassion. Buffy liked the second face best.

 

   "Um... Yesterday," she answered softly.

 

   "Were there any other times?"

 

   Buffy began to burst into tears, but Dr. Keats shook her head. "No, Buffy," she said calmly. "You

 

are not going to cry, do you hear me? You are not going to cry because you have nothing in this

 

world to be ashamed of. You are a strong girl and you will not cry."

 

   "Okay," Buffy said softly, although at that moment, she felt like a baby. She didn't feel like the

 

slayer anymore. She felt weak, ashamed, and most of all, scared.

 

   "Were there any other times?" Dr. Keats replied.

 

   Buffy nodded her head. "Yes."

 

   "Okay. Tell me when."

 

   "Yesterday... and two nights before that... and the night before that... and my birthday."

 

   Joyce exclaimed,"What?!"

 

   Dr. Keats held her hand in front of the woman. "Ms. Summers, please. The last thing Buffy needs

 

right now is for you to scream at her."

 

   Joyce calmed down some, but not enough. She still could not believe that her daughter had had sex

 

and probably in her own home!

 

   "Buffy, how long ago was your birthday?"

   "Exactly?" Buffy asked.

 

   Dr. Keats smiled. "If you know the exact time that would help a great deal."

 

   "A month and two days ago," Buffy answered as a tears rolled down her cheek.

 

   "Okay," the doctor said softly. She handed Buffy a tissue and moved her chair back to the middle

 

of the small room. She was writing down someting on her clipboard, but Buffy didn't want to know

 

what. Right then, she just wanted to die. If anything, she wanted to be with her lover, him holding

 

her and telling her everything was going to be okay.

 

   "What were all of these questions for?" Joyce asked demandingly.

 

   Dr. Keats had to try her best not to roll her eyes. "One of the things I was trying to rule out was

 

pregnancy."

 

   Again, Joyce gasped. Buffy suddenly stopped breathing for a few seconds. Pregnancy? She was

 

pregnant?

 

   "I'm pregnant?" Buffy asked softly.

 

   "Well, the results haven't come back. They should be ready tomorrow morning, but I think it's

 

safe to say that you most likely are. Dizziness and nausea attacks are fairly common when you're

 

pregnant. That and you're late in your period."

 

   A single tear rolled down Buffy's cheek as she sat stunned. She was pregnant. Well, not for sure,

 

but it was pretty safe to say that she was. Part of her was happy because she knew it was Angel's

 

child. But the other part was as scared as five - year old child who had gotten seperated from it's

 

mother in a department store, only in this case, you couldn't stay where you were and wait for your

 

mother or father to find you. In this case, there was nothing you could do.

 

   "I'll call you two tomorrow when the results come in," Dr. Keats conitnued. She ripped off a piece

 

of paper from her prescription tablet and passed it to Buffy. "There aren't really that many

 

medicines for when you're pregnant, but this kind should help you with your dizziness and nausea."

 

   Buffy gazed down at the piece of paper for a few seconds until her mother stood up and grabbed

 

her by the arm.

 

   "Let's go," she ordered.

 

   Buffy looked back at Dr. Keats. "The baby... is it gonna be hurt after Angel and I -"

 

   "Angel?! The boy that was tutoring you in history?!" Joyce screamed.

 

   "Ms. Summers, please. No, Buffy. The baby will be alright. Everything's going to be okay."

 

   "The hell it is!" Joyce exclaimed. She pulled Buffy out of the room and out of the building.

 

 

The Factory

 

 

   Angelus buttoned his shirt and sighed. The sun was finally going down. He could go see Buffy. He

 

was so worried about her. She was supposed to be going to the doctor or was at the doctor at that

 

very moment. More than anything, he wanted to be there with her, to know what was wrong with

 

her.

 

   Suddenly, a creak of the door interrupted Angelus' thoughts. He swiftly turned around to see

 

Xander standing in the doorway.

 

   "What the hell are you doing here?"

 

   Xander didn't even flinch. "I snuck in. Before you kill me, I have a few things to say to you."

 

   "About what?" Angelus asked, slipping his duster on.

 

   Xander laughed. "What else? Buffy."

 

   "Is she okay?" Angelus asked worriedly.

 

   "No. She's fucking you. That's pretty much bordering on insanity."

 

   Angelus felt anger rise up in him. For a second, he thought about the joy of hearing Xander's neck

 

be snapped, but quickly dismissed the thought. If he were to kill Xander, not only would he feel

 

extremely guilty, but he would never be able to look Buffy in the eyes again. She'd hate him.

 

   "I'm guessing you've condemned her, so now it's my turn," the vampire said.

 

   Xander laughed. "Actually, this is the part where you grab a bag and start packing."

 

   "Excuse me?"

 

   "I'm not gonna lie to you, Angel," Xander started, walking closer to the demon,"I hate you. I

 

always have. Ever since I saw you give Buffy that leather jacket of yours. But I'm not alone in how I

 

feel. All of Buffy's friends hate you and Spike even hates you."

 

   "And just how do you know that?" Angelus challenged.

 

   "When I snuck in, I heard him talking. The man's jealous because Drusilla seems to be hanging

 

around you a lot."

 

   "I don't care about Dru."

 

   "And maybe that's what's pissing him off. I mean, he's pretty worthless, but for Drusilla - as crazy

 

in the head she may be - to be hanging around you is enough to even make me sick. Spike is a

 

worthless bloodsucker if I've ever seen one, but you - that's pretty sad."

 

   Angelus clenched his fists. "Tell me, Xander, how do you feel about your neck being seperated

 

from your body very slowly?"

 

   "I'm not afraid of you. You can't do anything to me because you know how bad it would hurt

 

Buffy. She would hate you with a fiery vegeance if you ever killed or hurt any of her friends, so don't

 

think your threatening is going to make me go away. Do you kow what you are doing to Buffy?

 

You're taking away the love of the man that you aren't."

 

   "What are you saying?"

 

   "You think you're Angel. Please! I'm more Angel than you are! You are a cold - hearted killer!

 

Angel's not much different, but if you think you've gone from a big piece of shit to a small piece of

 

shit, you're wrong! You're not good for her or anyone! The best thing you could do is leave her alone

 

and just get away from this town!"

 

   Angelus swallowed hard to keep from changing his face and killing the boy. But a feeling washed

 

over him. Was Xander right?

 

   Xander nodded his head, seeing how the vampire felt by looking in his eyes. "You know it's true.

 

You know that you are no good for her. I see you've got a bag by your bed."

 

   Angelus turned his head slightly and looked at the black duffel bag. What was he going to do?

 

   "I think you should put that thing to use and pack some stuff in it," Xander said. "Then I want you

 

to leave Sunnydale."

 

   "What makes you think I am going to listen to you?" Angelus asked through gritted teeth, not

 

taking his eyes off of the object by his bed.

 

   "Because you love her. And you know that by being with her you're taking away her life that she

 

needs to live. That and you know that you are not Angel. Feelings come and go. Don't let one little

 

night with Buffy make you think that you love her."

 

   "Tell you what, Xander. If feelings come and go, why don't you find you a nice corner and fuck

 

yourself. React to that feeling you get every time you see Buffy because, guess what, I beat you to

 

her. Now, get out before I decided to make a meal out of you."

 

   Xander laughed and walked out the door, shutting it behind him. Angelus turned back to the

 

duffel bag. Was Xander right? Was he still Angelus? Were they really two different people?

 

   Slowly, Angelus walked over, picked up the bag, and grabbed some clothes.

 

 

   The ride home had been silent for Buffy and Joyce. Every once in a while, Buffy would try to say

 

something, but Joyce would just turn the radio on. There would be war when they walked into the

 

house and Buffy knew it.

 

   Joyce glanced over at her daughter as she drove the car. Buffy was looking down at the floor and

 

clutching at her stomach protectively. Anger filled Joyce. Her daughter was pregnant. Joyce didn't

 

need some tests results to come back to tell her that. She had been there before. She knew the

 

symptoms. She just never thought that she'd have to watch her seventeen year old daughter go

 

through it until she was much older.

 

   Buffy glanced down at her stomach. She was pregnant - well, most likely anyway. She was happy,

 

but scared more than anything. There was no telling what her mother was going to do to her when

 

they got home, Giles and the others were going to be so disappointed, and she had to tell Angel.

 

There was no way that that one was going to be easy. He had just acknowledged that he and his

 

demon self were the same person. What was he going to think about a baby?

 

   Finally, they arrived at their house. Joyce quickly left the car and entered the house with Buffy

 

walking slowly behind her. As soon as Buffy was in her home, Joyce slammed the door and took her

 

jacket off. Buffy simply gazed down at the floor, waiting for her mother to say something.

 

   "Mom?"

 

   "Go to your room, Buffy," Joyce said softly.

 

   Buffy felt tears spring up in her eyes. "But -"

 

   "Go to your room! I'll be up there to talk to you in a minute!"

 

   Upon hearing her mother's screams, Buffy rushed up the stairs to her room. When she turned the

 

light on, there he was - waiting for her.

 

   "Hey," Angelus greeted in a whisper.

 

   "Angel," Buffy said, throwing herself in his arms. Angelus held her light body and kissed the top

 

of her head. This was not going to be easy, but he had to tell her. The sooner he was gone, the better.

 

   "Oh, God," Buffy whispered as she began to cry.

 

   All that he had planned on telling her seemed to fade away as Angelus saw the tears rolling down

 

her cheeks. He wiped them away and kissed her lips.

 

   "What is it? What's wrong?"

 

   Buffy hesitated. She couldn't keep it from him. Test results or no test results - she knew the truth.

 

There was a baby growing inside of her and it was his. Theirs.

 

   Angelus led her over to the bed where they both sat down. "C'mon, baby, just tell me. Please."

 

   "Oh, God, please don't hate me, Angel..."

 

   "Hate you?! Wha... Buffy, what is going on?"

 

   "When I went to the doctor... they said... I'm pregnant."

 

   If a vampire could get any paler, this was the moment it could happen. Had he heard her right?

 

Did she just say that she was pregnant? She had and he knew it. The child in her was his. They had

 

made it together. It was theirs.

 

   Buffy felt herself begin to panic. "Angel, please... say something, baby, please."

 

   Angelus pulled her to him as she began to cry again. "It's okay, Buffy. I don't hate you. It's not

 

your fault."

 

   "Oh, God, what am I going to do?" Buffy cried into his chest.

 

   "We are going to take care of this child and we are going to love it and spoil it," Angelus answered

 

with a smile across his face.

 

   Buffy looked up at him in awe. "You want this baby?"

 

   "Of course! Did you think I was going to make you get rid of it? I love you. I would never do that

 

to you or our child."

 

   "You mean, you wanna keep it?"

 

   "I just answered that."

 

   Buffy let out a sigh of relief as she threw her arms around her lover's neck. He wrapped his arms

 

around her waist and pulled her closer. She was carrying his child. There was no way in hell he was

 

leaving now. No way whatsoever.

 

   Buffy kissed his face. "I love you."

 

   Angelus returned the kisses. "I love you, too."

 

   Buffy placed her head on his chest and felt herself growing ever so content and happy. Things

 

would be okay.

 

   For the moment they were.

 

   "Buffy Anne Summers!"

 

   Buffy looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway, but she didn't budge from her spot

 

beside Angel. She even tightened her hold on him, knowing that there was about to be a shouting

 

match.

 

   Joyce gazed at the two with hatred in her eyes. This was the man who had gotten her pregnant.

 

For all Joyce knew, he had raped her. But then she remembered what Buffy had said to Dr. Keats.

 

They had slept together four to five times and in Joyce's house no less!

 

   She walked over quickly and pulled Buffy away. Angelus immediately stood up. 'I'm assuming you

 

want to talk," he said.

 

   "Talk?! You can talk to the cops! What are you - over twenty - one?!"

 

   "Ms. Summers -"

 

   "Shut up! I know Buffy has told you and that you say that you are going to be there for her! Don't

 

you dare lie to her like that! I know what guys like you do! You use a girl for a sex and when things

 

start to happen, you runaway!"

 

   "I would never do that to Buffy! I love her more than anything in this world!"

 

   Joyce was silent. This man was in love with her seventeen year old daughter. This man was the

 

father of the baby.

 

   That was enough to make her go homicidal.

 

   "That's it," she said. She grabbed the phone, apparantely calling the law. Buffy's eyes grew eide

 

and she grabbed her mother by the arm.

 

   "Mom, stop!"

 

   Joyce reached up and slapped her daughter across the face. Buffy fell to the floor in tears. Angelus

 

knelt beside her, holding her. When Joyce saw this, she slammed the phone down.

 

   "Get the hell out of my house," she said to the vampire.

 

   Angelus stared up at her with anger in his eyes. "If I ever... see you hit her again... I will kill you,"

 

he threatened.

 

   Buffy looked up at him and stroked his face in order to calm him down. "Angel, don't. Just calm

 

down, please."

 

   "If you don't get out of my house right now, I will make sure that you never see Buffy or this baby

 

again!"

 

   Angelus took this into consideration. He never wanted to be parted from Buffy or their unborn

 

child. They meant too much to him.

 

   Reluctantly, he kissed Buffy's forehead - just to spite Joyce - and walked out of the house.

 

   As soon as he was gone, Buffy looked up at her mother. The woman had her fists clenched and

 

Buffy suddenly began to wonder if she was going to hit her.

 

   "Get up," Joyce ordered.

 

   Buffy stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. The next action Joyce performed was

 

enough to shock Buffy for the rest of her life.

 

   Joyce grabbed Buffy and flung her on the bed. Buffy hit her head on the headboard - Hard. In

 

fact, she was pretty sure that there would be a bruise there for awhile.

 

   "Did you sleep with him in my house - in this room?!" Joyce screamed.

 

   Buffy was crying uncontrollably now. She couldn't say anything. All she could do was nod her

 

head.

 

   "How many times in this room, Buffy?!"

 

   "Three," she managed to gasp out.

 

   "When?!"

 

   "Once... while you were at the gallery..." She took a deep breath to keep from throwing up. "And

 

twice... yesterday..."

 

   "All the times that I'm gone, you've been fucking a man you didn't even see fit to tell me about?!"

 

   "Mom, please... I'm sorry... I - I love him."

 

   Joyce reached over and slapped her daughter across the face again. Buffy screamed and placed

 

her hand to her cheek. Joyce didn't even seem to show or feel any remorse.

 

   "You go to sleep! If by tomorrow we find out that you are pregnant, then we'll take care of this

 

problem!"

 

   "Mom, what are you saying?" Buffy asked in a whisper.

 

   "You'll see soon enough. Don't you ever go near that boy again!"

 

   "You can't keep me away from Angel!"

 

   "No, I can't! But the law can! Either, you never see him again or I will send him to jail for the rest

 

of his life!"

 

   Buffy knew that she couldn't send him to jail. He was over 242 years old. The police would never

 

be able to get him. He was dead. He was a vampire for Christ's sake!

 

   "I thought you would have had more sense to know when a man was lying and taking advantage of

 

you! Do you really think he's going to be there for you and this baby?! No! He won't be! Men like

 

him use girls like you for sex! Do you know how embarrassed I was in the doctor's office?! I didn't

 

even know about my own daughter!"

 

   "Well, maybe if you'd stop reading books on how to pay attention to me, you might notice who I

 

am!" Buffy yelled back.

 

   "Do you want me to slap you again?! I swear, Buffy! Whatever has happened to you, whatever has

 

changed you - it stops right now! Tomorrow, when we get that call, we are settling this matter, do

 

you understand me?!"

 

   Buffy didn't answer. She just cried even harder. How could her mother be so hateful? "I know I

 

made a mistake -"

 

   "You're damn right you did! But unlike some mistakes, this one is going to be resolved!

 

Tomorrow! Now, you go to bed and don't you even think about leaving this room!" With that, Joyce

 

left the room, slamming the door and locking it to where Buffy couldn't get out.

 

   Buffy ran over and began pounding on the door. "Mom!!! Mom, let me out!!! You can't do this!!!"

 

   After a few minutes, she was convinced her mother was ignoring her. She slid her back down the

 

door and pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her head into them. The one thing she wanted at

 

that moment was Angel.

 

 

   Angelus entered his room and slowly took his duster off. Everything that had just happened was

 

gradually sinking in. He sat on his bed and stared off into space as all of it hit him.

 

   Buffy was pregnant - with his child. It had to have happened on her birthday. He was the father of

 

the baby.

 

   Xander was wrong. Angelus and Angel were the same person. Angelus - Angel - it didn't matter

 

what you called him. He was the same person because he loved Buffy and he wanted to be with her

 

and be there for her.

 

   What was Joyce going to do? What had she done to Buffy as soon as he had left? If that woman

 

hurt Buffy, Angelus was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to hold back killing her. He was pretty sure

 

he would relish in the fact of killing her. But those thoughts disappeared as he realized how it would

 

effect Buffy. She'd most likely go into a deep depression and never want to speak to him again.

 

   Angelus sighed as he fell backwards on his bed and rubbed his forehead. All that had happened

 

had given him a huge headache. But his headache was the least of what was worrying him.

 

   He wanted to be with Buffy and he had no idea what her mother was going to do to her.

 

 

Buffy's House

 

 

   Buffy slipped an over - sized t - shirt over her head and crawled into bed. She was hurting too

 

much inside to even think about turning off her light. She wasn't crying anymore and for that she

 

was thankful. She had cried so much that she felt she was going to throw up everything she had

 

eaten that day.

 

   Moving her hand on her forehead, she sighed. She had a raging migraine. She had a pretty good

 

idea what her mom was going to do when Dr. Keats called to say she was pregnant because Buffy

 

knew she was. Maybe she had always known, just didn't want to admit it.

 

   Slowly, she moved her hand to her stomach. There was a baby in there. Angel's baby. It warmed

 

her heart to think that the child inside of her came from love. Whatever happened, Buffy swore to

 

herself right then and there to take care of her child.

 

   Joyce was so wrong. Buffy knew that Angel - or Angelus, whatever you'd like to call him - loved

 

her just as much as she loved him. Probably even more. He would be there for her and their baby.

 

Buffy remembered the anger in his eyes when Joyce struck her across the face. She remembered

 

how he knelt beside her and had held her. He loved her. If nothing else, those actions of protection

 

alone proved it.

 

   And what gave Joyce the right to yell and scream and condemn Buffy? Joyce had been only a year

 

older when she became pregnant with Buffy. It had been her first year at college when it happened.

 

She hadn't come out and told Buffy directly, but she knew. There had been way too many hints for

 

Buffy to realize that she had been a mistake, that Joyce hadn't even meant to have her.

 

   'Did she even want me?' Buffy thought sadly, turning onto her side in her bed. 'Was she just as

 

mad at herself like she is at me when she got pregnant?'

 

   Buffy didn't know the answers to her questions. She didn't know if Joyce had ever wanted her

 

when she found out she was pregnant. Buffy suddenly began to wonder what her grandparents

 

thought when Joyce told them she was pregnant. Had they been as furious as she was? What had her

 

Dad thought? Did he promise to be there for her mother like Angel had promised Buffy? Or had he

 

seen the pregnancy as a burden?

 

   'Probably,' Buffy thought with a slight laugh. 'It's not like he wants to have anything to do with me

 

now. Not like he ever did, anyway.'

 

   A small tear rolled down her face, but she quickly wiped it away. She wasn't going to cry anymore.

 

Everything was going to be okay and deep down she knew that. She was young, but in that moment,

 

Buffy became as wise as those around her. If she hadn't been mature before, she was now.

 

 

*Listen, mother, I may be young

 

But at least I know what to do

 

I'm not gone cry, not anymore

 

I won't scream and yell like you

 

You may think I was stupid

 

To fall in love with him

 

You may think we are stupid

 

To want to have this sweet friend that's growing inside of me

 

I'm young, but at least I knew what I was doing

 

I'm small, but at least it wasn't something I did with the wrong man

 

He's my destiny and he wants to be there for me

 

I may be young, but believe me, I'm better and stronger than you*

 

- Sunrise

 

 

Chapter Seven : Runaway

 

 

   12/19/99 - Buffy awoke to the sound of her mother waking around and pulling things out of her

 

daughter's closet. Groggily, she sat up in bed. "Mom, what -"

 

   "Get up out of bed and get some clothes on," Joyce ordered, passing her daughter a tank top and

 

jeans.

 

   Buffy stood out of bed and grabbed the clothes. There was silence between the two of them.

 

Everything that had happened the night before was still fresh in their minds. It always would be.

 

   Buffy sighed and changed into the clothes her mother had given her. She wasn't about to ask

 

questions. She didn't want to get slapped or slammed against her headboard again. There was a

 

small bruise on her forehead to prove it and slayers didn't bruise easily. In fact, they hardly ever

 

did, no matter how bad the blow was.

 

   Glancing at the clock by her bed, she saw that it was 5: 00 in the afternoon. Buffy had slept all

 

through the day and the sun would be going down soon.

 

   "Did... did Dr. Keats call, yet?" Buffy asked meekly, turning to look at her mom.

 

   Joyce's jaw clenched. "She did."

 

   "Am I..."

 

   "Yes."

 

   Buffy sat down on her bed as the news sunk in. She knew it. She just knew it. A small smile curled

 

across her lips at the thought of Angel's baby growing inside of her. It was a baby that came from

 

true love and no one could try and argue with that.

 

   Not even Joyce.

 

   With a small slap on the leg, Joyce said,"C'mon. Get up."

 

   "Where are we going?" Buffy asked as she followed her mother out of the house and to the car.

 

   "You just sit down, buckle your seatbelt, and shut up," Joyce answered sternly.

 

   Buffy hung her head as she opened the car door, crawled in, and did as she was told. 'Oh, God,

 

Mom. What are you doing now?'

 

 

The Factory

 

 

   Spike rolled himself over to where Angelus sat. The brooding vampire was sitting on a crate,

 

looking of into space. Spike laughed to himself. Xander had done what he was told.

 

   "Somebody's in deep thought," the british vamp said.

 

   Angelus jumped into reality and stood up, not wanting to hear anything Spike had to say. He

 

didn't want to hear anything, but Buffy's voice. But he'd have to wait until the sun went down.

 

   "I believe you had a visit last night from that friend of the slayer's," Spike continued.

 

   Angelus turned around to look at him. "How did you know that?"

 

   Spike smirked. This was going to be so fun. "I hired the little prick to talk to you."

 

   Angelus had to control a growl from escaping his throat. "You what?"

 

   "Oh, come on! You were getting pussy wipped and I was tired of seeing Dru in such agony. Why

 

the very thought of you in bed with the slayer is enough to make my blood run cold and I am not

 

cracking a joke. You've been going to her every night this past week and it's making everyone here

 

rather disgusted."

 

   "Big words, Spike. How would you like to not be able to say those words again once I rip out your

 

vocal chords and hang you by them?" Angelus threatened.

 

   Spike wheeled himself closer to his sire. "That's a nice visual aid you've given. But... there's

 

something I gotta know. Two nights ago, from what I saw that slayer and you were having some fun

 

up in her room. So, I've been wondering. Is she as good as she seems because if you need someone to

 

take your place for awhile..."

 

   That was it. Angelus couldn't contain it anymore. He grabbed Spike by his jacket and flung him

 

across the room. Spike immediately vamped out and stood up.

 

   "Bloody hell! You really are in love with that bitch aren't you?!"

 

   Angelus - completely ignoring the fact that Spike could walk - ran over and punched the vampire.

 

"Don't you ever call her that again!"

 

   Spike felt blood trickle down his lip. He felt of it and then licked it off of his fingers. "Okay." he

 

said with a laugh. "Stay away from Dru and I won't touch the slayer."

 

   "If you ever try and hurt her or rape her, so help me God, I will personally rip every bone out of

 

your body," Angelus growled.

 

   Spike stood up and walked past him. "I'm so scared. I'm shaking in my boots."

 

   Angelus growled and went to his room, slamming the door behind him.

 

 

The Library

 

 

   "You're certain?" Giles asked.

 

   Xander nodded his head. "Yep. Angel is leaving Sunnydale. I think he already has. There hasn't

 

been any sign of him."

 

   "Do you know if he has contacted Buffy?"

 

   Xander sighed, remembering what he saw the night before as he had walked past Buffy's house.

 

She had been sobbing on her bed, obviously from Angel leaving. At least, that's what Xander

 

thought.

 

   "I went past her house last night and she was crying. I didn't go in. I just saw from her window. I

 

guess Angel told her he was leaving town."

 

   "How do you know that he was leaving?" Cordelia asked from the corner in which she stood.

 

   Xander couldn't look her in the eye. He felt guilty about kissing Willow.

 

   Yet, he liked kissing Willow.

 

   "I, um... Well, I went to see him."

 

   Giles' eyes became wide with surprise. "Xander! Do you realize that you could have gotten

 

yourself killed?!"

 

   Xander laughed. "No way possible. Spike sent me to talk to him."

 

   "Xander!" Cordelia exclaimed. "Don't you think he could have just been using you so that he

 

could get some slurp, slurp, slurp dinner?! Wait a second... He sent you? Are we talking about the

 

same vampire because Spike can't walk and I am pretty damn sure that he doesn't get out much

 

with his wheelchair. I swear, it makes him seem like a poor, needy person you see on the street

 

outside of Neiman Marcus!"

 

   Giles, Xander, Willow, and even Oz - who was surprisidly there - rolled their eyes at her. Only she

 

could think about clothes at a time like this.

 

   "That's the thing about Spike," Xander answered. "The vamp can walk."

 

   "Good Lord," Giles said.

 

   "Is this a bad thing?"

 

   "Yes, it's a very bad thing! You got rid of one vampire, although I have no idea how, yet now, we

 

have another one on the rampage! He and Drusilla could do much more damage than when it was

 

just Angel! Angel sired those two! He taught them everything they know!"

 

   Xander hung his head. "Spike didn't want to get Angel out of the way. He didn't want him to leave

 

town."

 

   Willow looked over at him from her seat. What was he saying exactly?

 

   "Xander, what are you talking about?"

 

   Xander sighed. He had been selfish by telling Angel to leave Sunnydale, but that was fine. He was

 

proud of what he had done. Angel was gone. He would never go near Buffy again.

 

   "I'm saying this. Spike just wanted Angel to stay away from Buffy so that he would be there with

 

Drusilla. He claims that she's acting a little more... crazy than usual. He didn't want Angel to leave

 

or anything like that because the Drusilla would probably leave him. I agreed to go talk to Angel

 

and get him away from Buffy. Only I wasn't planning on talking to him about what Spike wanted

 

me to talk to him about."

 

   Willow stood out of her chair. "What did you say to Angel?"

 

   "I told Angel that he wasn't good for Buffy. I convinced him to pack his bags and leave town,

 

which he has done."

 

   Anger rose in Willow. You could mess with her, but you never messed with Buffy and Xander had

 

screwed up Buffy's life just then.

 

   "Are you crazy?! Do you know what this is going to do to Buffy when she finds out that you are the

 

reason that the one thing in her life that mattered left her?!"

 

   "Down, Bessie," Xander quipped.

 

   "Don't you dare make me calm down, Alexander LaVelle Harris! Not only is Buffy going to go into

 

a deep depression and hate you for the rest of her life, we've got a mad Spike on our hands! Do you

 

know what he might do if Dru leaves him?! Angel's gone! A lot of bad, bad things could happen that

 

are worse than when he was here!"

 

   "She's right, Xander," Giles agreed. "How could you be so stupid as to do something like that?"

 

   "Well, excuse me for caring about my friend!" Xander exclaimed, standing out of his chair.

 

   "Yeah, well, maybe you care a little too much!" Willow yelled.

 

   Xander sighed. He didn't know whether to yell or to kiss her. What was wrong with him? He

 

wasn't falling in love with his best friend was he?

 

   "I'm gonna go before we hurt each other," he said quietly. With that, he walked out of the library.

 

 

   Buffy awoke to the sound of her mother ordering her to get out of the car. She had fallen asleep on

 

the ride to wherever it was that they were at. Darkness surrounded the vehicle outside and Buffy

 

found herself longing for Angel to be beside her. She was so scared. She didn't know where she was

 

and she didn't know what her mother was doing.

 

   "Get out now!" Joyce screamed, opening Buffy's door.

 

   Buffy sighed and slowly unbuckled her seatbelt. Suddenly, Joyce grabbed her by the arm and

 

roughly pulled her out of the car.

 

   "Ow, Mom! You're hurting me!"

 

   "This hurts me more than it hurts you, Buffy! Now, come on!"

 

   Buffy could do nothing as her mother led her into a building. It looked pretty old. Almost as if no

 

one had lived in it for years, but there were three cars parked outside of it.

 

   "Mom, where are we?"

 

   "Never mind that. Just shut up and do what I tell you."

 

   Buffy hung her head as they walked into the building and sat down in two chairs that were by the

 

entrance.

 

   The place looked even older inside than it did outside. The painted walls were chipping, there

 

were leaks in every place on the ceiling, and the tiles of the floor looked like something out of a

 

seventies movie. More than anything, Buffy wanted out of that room.

 

   "I'm sorry to have to do this, Honey," Joyce spoke with a sigh. "But there is just no way we can

 

support it."

 

   Buffy gazed at her mother in confusion. "Mom, what are you -"

 

   But she was interrupted as a voice from in front of her spoke. "Ms. Summers, if you will follow

 

me, we can carry on what you are here for."

 

   Buffy looked up at the man in front of her. He looked to be about fifty years old, fat, ugly, he had a

 

beard, and his breath smelt like he had spent too much time in a bar. When his breath touched her

 

nostrils, Buffy thought for sure that she was going to throw up. But then what he said registered in

 

her head. What was she here for?

 

   "I - I don't understand. Wha - Why am I here?"

 

   The man laughed and turned to Joyce. "You really aren't telling anybody are you?"

 

   Joyce ignored him and turned to her daughter. "Honey, there is no way that we can take care of a

 

baby. There isn't. For you to have a child at your age is insane. Angel won't be here for it. He won't

 

even be there for you. The only thing we can do is get rid of it."

 

   Buffy began to shake her head as the realization of what her mother was saying dawned on

 

her.This was an abortion clinic. An illegal one, no less! Joyce was making her get rid of her baby!

 

No way in Hell was Buffy about to let that happen!

 

   Tears formed in her eyes. "No. No, I won't let you take my baby away from me!"

 

   "It's the only way!" Joyce insisted.

 

   "No! I can take care of it on my own! I don't need anyone's help!"

 

   The man sighed out of frustration and grabbed Buffy by the arm. "C'mon, now, follow me."

 

   Buffy slapped him, trying to push him away. "No! Let me go! I'm not going with you!"

  

  "Shut up and come on! Your mother is paying me a $1000 dollars to cut that thing out of you!"

 

   Upon hearing this, Buffy lost it. She sent a roundhouse kick to him, knocking him down and then

 

she kicked him in the chest, square into the heart. He began coughing as blood escaped his lips.

 

   "Oh, my God!" Joyce exclaimed, standing up in her chair. "Buffy, how -"

 

   Buffy ran towards the door, wanting to get out of there, but Joyce grabbed her by the arm. "No!

 

You are not leaving! You are staying here until we can take care of this problem!"

 

   "You know what?! Why don't I take care of the problem that's in my face?!" Suddenly, Buffy

 

punched her mother in the nose. Joyce fell back, grabbing her face as blood poured down it. She

 

screamed in pain, but Buffy felt no remorse. Nobody tried to take away one of the few things that

 

mattered in her life. Nobody. She didn't care who it was. She would kick their ass until they were

 

dead on the ground.

 

   Convinced her mother wasn't going to get up anytime soon, Buffy ran outside.

 

 

The Factory

 

One Hour Later

 

 

   Angelus entered the building and removed his duster. He had looked everywhere for Buffy. He

 

tried the cemetary, he tried the Bronze, he tried her house, and he even looked in the library

 

through a window to see if she was there. Nothing. He couldn't find her.

 

   He was so worried about her. The night before, Joyce had been acting like an insane animal. She

 

was so angry that she could have killed Buffy. Angelus would be damned before he let that happen.

 

   Angelus still couldn't believe that Buffy was pregnant. He never thought it would be possible. A

 

vampire is dead. There is no way that it can produce a child. But then it occured to him that he had

 

had his soul on Buffy's birthday. That was a human part of him. Maybe that was what had caused it

 

to happen. When he made love to her, he had a piece of his humanity.

 

   Which was why he had to see her. He needed to know what was going on. Was she going to keep

 

the baby? He was fairly certain that she was, but he didn't know if Joyce would let her. However, if

 

Joyce even tried to make her get rid of their baby, Angelus wasn't sure how he was going to react.

 

   "Oh, Daddy," a sing - song voice called.

 

   "Fuck me," Angelus mumbled with a sigh. He walked into the part of the factory where Drusilla

 

was... and what he saw almost brought tears to his eyes.

 

   There was his Buffy. She was tied up and some of Spike's men were hovering around her, touching

 

her in places that were only meant for Angelus.

 

   "What's this?" Angelus asked, trying to keep his cool.

 

   Drusilla smiled. "A gift. You can kill her now. Remember? Remember what you want to do to

 

her?"

 

   Angelus swallowed hard. The only thing he wanted to do to Buffy was kiss her and tell her how

 

much he loved her. The one ting he wanted to do to Drusilla, however, was kill her slowly.

 

   "Angel," Buffy whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

 

   Angelus gazed at her for a few seconds. Her clothes were drenched, he figured from the rainstorm

 

outside. He wasn't wet. He had been going through the sewers to try and find her. She obviously had

 

ran in the pouring rain to find him. Angelus wondered how far away she had been.

 

   "Untie her," he ordered.

 

   Drusilla stared at him in surprise. "But, Angel -"

 

   "Let her go, damn it!"

 

   Spike's men immediately did as they were told. As soon as she was untied, Buffy ran to him,

 

wrapping her arms around his neck. Angelus returned the embrace amd kissed the side of her face.

 

   "Daddy... you're not going to kill her?"

 

   Angelus put on a fake smirk. "Oh, I will. I just wanna have a little fun first." He pulled Buffy with

 

him into his room, locking the door behind him.

 

   Buffy stared up at him in confusion. What had he just said? Had he meant it? "Angel?" she asked

 

meekly.

 

   He nodded his head to reassure her. "It's me, baby."

 

   "Oh, God!" Buffy cried, throwing her arms back around him. The two of them planted kisses

 

along each other's face.

 

   "God, Buffy, do you know how dangerous it was for you to come here?"

 

   She nodded her head. "I know. I'm sorry. I had to see you." Her tears were growing heavier now

 

and it was making it hard for her to talk straight and for Angelus to understand a word she was

 

saying.

 

   "Okay, baby, just calm down, please. Everything's okay. Now, what has happened?"

 

   Buffy waited a few seconds so that her tears would subside. Not everything that had happened

 

with her mother had sunk in yet. She was still reeling from the fact that she had almost had an

 

abortion against her will.

 

   "My mom... she's lost it. She tried to take it away from me. She tried to take it away from me."

 

   Angelus didn't understand what she meant. Her tears were coming back full force. "Okay. Just

 

calm down. What did she try to take away, Buffy?"

 

   "The baby," she answered softly.

 

   Angelus felt anger rise up in him like he had never known before. Joyce had tried to make her get

 

rid of the child that belonged to him and Buffy. How dare she?! What gave her the right?!

 

   "She took me to some place. It was horrible! She was paying some guy $1000 to cut this baby out of

 

me! She said that you wouldn't be there for me and that you woulnd't want this baby."

 

   "Buffy, I do want our baby and I am going to be there for you. I don't care what she says. I am not

 

running away from you."

 

   Buffy laughed softly. "That's what I thought you'd say." She turned around so that he wouldn't see

 

the tears falling down her face. And that's when she saw his duffel bag.

 

   It was packed fully, ready to go. A slight gasp escaped her throat. He was leaving. He was leaving

 

her. He must have decided to go when he found out she was pregnant. Joyce had been right.

 

   Angelus caught her gaze and silently cursed himself. She turned back to him with stunned eyes

 

and began shaking her head violently.

 

   "No! No! You can't leave me! You can't go!" she screamed as she began pounding on his chest.

 

Angelus caught her hands and whispered into her ear to calm down.

 

   "Shh. It's okay. I'm not leaving you. Listen, there's something I have to tell you. I just need you to

 

calm down and relax. Can you do that for me?"

 

   Buffy hesitated before finally nodding her head. What in the hell was going on?

 

   "I thought about leaving you. I didn't think that I was really Angel -"

 

   "You are! You're him! You love me!"

 

   "I know, baby. But  when I began thinking like that, I didn't. I started packing my bags and I was

 

going to tell you last night. But then you told me you were pregnant. With my child. And I couldn't

 

leave you. I love you so much and when I saw you crying last night, I felt like I wanted to die for

 

even considering the thought of leaving you. I am not going anywhere."

 

   Buffy buried her face into his chest and cried out all of her anguish. He kissed the top of her head

 

and ran his hands up and down her arms. It was then he realized how cold she was.

 

   "Buffy, you're shaking like a leaf," he said worriedly.

 

   "I'm fine," she replied with a sniffle.

 

   "No, you're not." Angelus picked her light body up in his arms and carried her to his bed, pushing

 

the duffel bag aside. He lifted her soaking tank top over her head and grabbed one of his shirts,

 

dressing her in it. Then he removed her pants, that were just as soaked as her top. Buffy kept her

 

face buried against his chest as dressed her in warm clothing.

 

   "It's okay. I've got you now." He kissed the side of her forehead and she winced in pain. Angelus

 

pulled his face away from hers and saw fear in her eyes. Slowly, he pushed her hair away to reveal a

 

dark blue bruise. He swallowed hard, trying once more not to cry.

 

   "Did she do this to you?"

 

   Buffy reluctantly nodded her head. Suddenly, an idea sprang forth. It might not have been a good

 

one to most, but to her it was the best plan ever.

 

   "Let's runaway."

 

   Angelus stared at her in surprise. "What?"

 

   "Please, Angel! She - She's going to kill me, if not our baby if I stay here! She was going to make

 

me have an abortion! When I tried to run, she grabbed my arm to try and make me stay! I had to

 

punch her in the nose to get away from her!"

 

   "You punched your mother in the nose?"

 

   "Yes! Angel, please! I can't stay here and neither can you! Wha - What are we going to do when

 

my friends find out or when Spike and Drusilla realize that I'm having your child?! They'll try and

 

kill me!"

 

   "Okay, baby, just calm down," Angelus whispered, sitting beside her on the bed and pulling her to

 

him. She muffled her cries on his shoulder. Angelus was sure that his silk shirt was ruined because of

 

her tears, but he didn't care. All he cared about was being with her.

 

   "Please," she pleaded in a small whisper. "It's the only way. It's the only way."

 

   Angelus just closed his eyes and pulled her down on the bed with him, the two of them falling

 

asleep in each other's arms.

 

 

*How are we to face this problem?

 

It's not gonna go away

 

Everyone's telling us what to do

 

Instead of us doing it our own way

 

We're gonna make a great big happy family

 

If it's the last thing we do

 

Let's runaway

 

Throw our cares to the wind

 

And begin again

 

Let's run through the rain

 

Forget what everyone says

 

I just wanna be with you*

- Sunrise

 

 

The Next Morning

 

 

   Joyce got out of her bed and faced the mirror. Her nose was completely swollen from where Buffy

 

had hit her. How had her baby learned to throw a punch like that?

 

   She didn't know. But she did know one thing. She had waited all night for Buffy to come home, but

 

she never did. Finally, at three in the morning, Joyce went to her room to get some sleep.

 

   Joyce was still angry at her daughter for having sex with a man that Joyce had no idea she was

 

seeing, but guilt was a big part of her emotions at that moment. She had almost forced her daughter

 

to give up the child she carried. She had almost forced a man to kill her unborn grandchild! How

 

could be so stupid?! Lord knows how the man would have gotten the baby out of Buffy. He might

 

have just used a knife to cut into her and try and find the child.

 

   Tears began to burn at Joyce's eyes as she heard screams in her mind. They were sounds that

 

Buffy hadn't made, but would have if she hadn't ran the night before.

 

   "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, baby," Joyce whispered to herself, as if Buffy could hear her. Her cries

 

grew more loud and heavier. Finally, she ran out of her room and into Buffy's. She had to be home

 

by now.

 

   But she wasn't.

 

   At first, Buffy's room seemed normal, but then Joyce took a closer look. Her jewelry was missing.

 

Some make - up from her vanity table was gone. Joyce's eyes grew wide and she rushed to Buffy's

 

closet to find half of the clothes gone. She opened the drawers to find the same thing - half of the

 

clothes were missing.

 

   Where was Buffy?! Now, Joyce had another feeling to add to the list - worry. Her daughter had

 

ran out in the pouring rain the night before. Was she dead? Well, she couldn't have been because

 

most of her stuff was missing. Then, Joyce caught sight of the envelope laying on Buffy's bed. She

 

walked over and grabbed it, ripping it open quickly.

 

   And when she was done reading it, she collapsed onto the floor in tears.

 

 

  

Epilogue : Absence Of Fear

 

The Night Before

 

 

   Buffy zipped up her duffel bag as she placed the last piece of clothing in it. Outside thunder

 

roared and lightning cracked. This storm was going away anytime soon. But that was the least of

 

worries. She didn't want to wake her mother up. There was no telling what she night do to Buffy.

 

   Buffy shook the thoughts out of her head as placed her duffel bag over her shoulder. Looking

 

around her room for the last time, she walked near her door. But something stopped her. She was

 

forgetting two very important things.

 

   Quickly, she grabbed the cross and leather jacket that her lover had given her. She needed the

 

objects just as much as she needed him. Slipping her bag off of her shoulder, she unzipped it, folded

 

the jacket in it, and layed the cross on top of it. With a sigh, she zipped it back and walked out of

 

her house - Forever.

 

   Once outside, lightning lit up the sky. It was the imperfect end to an imperfect day and there was a

 

sense of irony to it. Things would get better in her life just like things got better after a raging storm.

 

It might seem bad at first, but it would clear up and little bit of happiness would begin to shine like

 

the sun. Buffy knew this would happen for a fact.

 

   Looking around, she saw her lover standing in the rain. He ran up to her and passionately kissed

 

her on the lips. Everything that they had been through together raced through both of their minds.

 

How had they ended up at this point? What started out as just a friendship to warn each other of

 

bad things to come had turned into something wonderful most people only dream about. Their first

 

kiss had seemed like a nightmare, yet a wonderful dream for both of them. People had said they

 

couldn't be together, but they'd show them. They'd show them all.

 

   They were going to be together. And now, they had a little child to take care of. It was their child

 

that had been conceived out of a night a true love and passion. If anyone ever said that the child was

 

a mistake, they were wrong. Their baby was going to bring them a lifetime of joy. They were going

 

to spoil it and raise it and love it more than anything in this world and they were going to do it

 

together.

 

   Taking her hand in his, Angelus ran with her to where he had parked his car across the street.

 

Buffy said nothing because deep down, they both knew it was going to be okay. Everything would

 

turn out the way it was supposed to.

 

   Nothing was wrong if they had each other.

 

 

*Inside my skin

 

There is this space

 

It twists and turns

 

It bleeds and aches

 

 

Inside my heart

 

There's an empty road

 

It's waiting for lightning

 

It's waiting for you and...

 

 

I am wanting

 

I am needing you here

 

Inside the absence of fear

 

 

Muscle and sinew

 

Velvet and stone

 

This vessel is haunted

 

It creaks and moans

 

 

My bones call to you

 

In their separate skin

 

Make myself translucent

 

To let you in for...

 

 

I am wanting

 

I am needing you here

 

Inside the absence of fear

 

 

There is the hunger

 

This restless inside of me

 

And knows that you're no stranger, you're my gravity

 

My hands will adore you through all darkness aches

 

And they will lay you out in moonlight and reinvent your name for...

 

 

I am wanting

 

I am needing you here

 

I need you near

 

Inside the absence of fear...*

 

- Jewel

 

 

Song Credits

 

Prologue - Chapter Seven

 

 

All songs written by Sunrise except for "Absence Of Fear." Written and performed by Jewel

 

Kilcher. It can be found on her album "Spirit".

 

 

   Hope you enjoyed the story! Feedback please! jasmine@buffymail.com oh and sequel coming soon!