It’s one month later, well, four weeks but some consider that a month. Anyway, this lovely scene opens in a darkly lit basement where the Slayerettes and assorted vampires are sprawled over beds and couches.
It’s Buffy’s basement and, as promised by her mother, it, the attic and the quest room have been touched up. The three male vampires, being more sensitive to the sun than the girls, tagged the basement and set to work, of course, they sent Joyce to a health spa in Florida first. The room is now an odd mix of sci-fi posters, Celtic Art and a collection of books Giles really, really wants (the fact that they’re in ancient Sanskrit doesn’t seem to be bothering him at all) and a computer that Willow would sell her own grave for. It’s lit with lava lamps and plasma balls and is quite eerie but overall, cozy.
The three single beds used to be along a wall but were moved in front of a huge TV/ entertainment centre with games consoles, a Cd player, the whole nine yards in other words.
We rejoin our heroes in a most favourable position, without any watchers, mothers or cares, hours of British comedy and a bucket of ice cream each (although Seymour’s eaten four).
Buffy and Angel were sprawled over Angel’s bed, limbs entwined in some very strange looking ways, and Buffy was starting to show. This caused allot of friendly jokes and for Buffy to take a leave of absence from school (some extremely imaginative and creative story was made up, I just can’t remember what it was) and for Angel to spend all the time he could with her.
On the couch, positioned cleverly in front of the beds, were Willow, Oz (doing what you’d expect them to) and Yaksha who had his legs wrapped around Sita who was sitting on the floor, getting a head massage. Cordelia and Xander were on Seymour’s bed not paying any attention to anyone and Seymour and Kalika were lying on the floor, having fun with the sloppy goo that used to be ice cream.
Finally, the film they were watching ends and everyone dries their eyes and sits up, or not in the case of two people on Seymour’s bed,,,
“God,” Kalika said wiping at her eyes, “I love Monthy Python!”
Her mother got up and hopped onto the couch. “But wait, the Carry on Crew are excellent as well!”
“Oh Matron!” said Angel in his best Kenneth William’s voice ever. He sent anyone born before 1980 (and Oz for some reason) into bouts of hysterical laughter.
Yaksha looked at the bemused faces of the younger ones and laughed again. “It’s before your time kids.”
Xander and Cordelia actually got up from their make out session and came over.
“Oh, my God, Buffy, I have the biggest news ever!”
“What Cordy? Is the world about to end?”
“No! Amy Madison is dating someone and you will never guess who!”
“Ohh! Gossip, tell me more.”
“Well, Willow, have you heard?”
“No, who is it?”
“It’s Chris Epps!”
The two other girls shrieked and giggled in shock and amusement. “Oh my God! I thought he was kicked out of school! Synder liked him less than he liked me.”
“He was suspended to spend some time with the head doctor but he’s back and looking allot better.”
Willow smiled at the though of her friends. “Well, it’s nice, they deserve each other.”
“Will, I know what you mean but for this, I’m going to pretend not to!” Buffy then burst out laughing and everyone else, well, not Willow and Cordelia, looked confused. “God, if I don’t watch it, I’m going to send myself into premature labour.”
“Eww!” Sita said looking grossed out.
Angel cuddled up closer to Buffy. “I thought you’d seen everything Sita.”
“Oh I have and I’ve delivered more babies than any maternity doctor and let me tell you, not one of you would stay conciouse during it.”
Buffy was worried. “Is it that bad?”
“Yes, it’s awful, you get your pelvic bones rearranged, you’re trying to fit a head the size out of a melon out of an opening,,, I shouldn’t be telling this to you should I?”
Buffy looked pale and nodded in agreement. “Well, yucky bodily functions aside, you won’t believe some of the stuff that’s happened.”
Willow nodded. “Cordy’s right, lots of stuff has happened.”
“Gossip time!”
“No!” shouted Xander seemingly terrified, “not the ‘g’ word!”
Buffy sat up in bed and giggled. “No, wait! Truth or dare!”
Yaksha laughed. “Yeah, the last time Sita and me played truth or dare, I streaked at the superbowl.”
“What year?” Seymour asked.
“Last year’s.”
“Liar! No one streaked that game.”
“Yeah, but I was going so fast only Sita could see me.”
Sita laughed at the memory. “Yeah, he’s pretty buff.”
“Anyway, should we retire to Buffy’s room to discuss the meaning of life?”
Xander looked at Cordy and Willow, needing help. “Well, we go up and talk about our boyfriends and what you were like when you were young, and other things.”
“Don’t look too scared Xander, it’s highly secret. Come on, lets go up. You boys do, what ever it is boys do.”
Seymour grinned wolfishly. “What, take pictures of you in your under wear?”
Xander joined in. “And sell them back to you?”
“But keep a copy?” Yaksha finished.
Sita growled at Yaksha. “Do and die snake boy!”
“Oh bite me!”
Sita smiled, “I just might.” She jumped on top of Yaksha and went for the jugular but instead of biting, she started tickling him until he screamed for mercy.
“No, stop, mercy! Please! No!”
“Ha, that’ll learn ya!” Sita kissed Yaksha on the forehead and the girls waltzed out of the room up to Buffy’s bedroom and the guys, including Angel, grinned and plotted on how to annoy their girlfriends.
Up in Buffy’s room, the girls were chatting away contentedly.
“So Sita,” Buffy said, “you and Yaks seem to have patched things up nicely.”
“Well,” the vampire shrugged, “I’ve never been one for holding grudges and five thousand years was long enough.”
“Exactly how old are you?” asked Willow who was having her hair braided into tiny plaits by Buffy and Cordelia.
“Um, five thousand and seventeen years old. I only worked it out the other day, I looked it up in one of Giles’ tomes.”
“Cool, so like in a few months, you’ll have spent fifty centuries as a vampire.”
“Yeah, I was eighteen when I was changed.”
“When’s your birthday mother?”
“Three days after the eight full moon from the winter solstice.”
“Oh,” Kalika said, “the twenty fifth of August?”
“That sounds right. Cool, I have a birthday.”
“We are so going to have the biggest party ever!” Buffy said enthusiastically. They laughed about birthdays (not mentioning any of Buffy’s) until Willow asked about baby names.
“Well, we haven’t chosen anything yet but something Irish anyway. They have such nice names over there. Angel had a few that I though were nice, Eadaoinn, Ailbhe or Cara if it’s a girl and Kieran, Owen or Donal if it’s a boy.”
“No definite ones though?” asked Cordelia.
“Not really, I like Cara, Ailbhe and Kieran allot though.”
“Nice choices” said Kalika.
“Yeah, Cara’s not really a name though. It’s Irish for friend, it’s beautiful.”
“Better than Kalika anyway.”
“What?!” Sita was shocked.
“Oh come on? ‘She who destroys’? It’s not very flattering.”
“Ehem, it’s who you are.”
“Good point.”
“So, Kali, how’s it going with Seymour?”
“Great, he’s really sweet and funny and cute and smart.”
“He is.” Sita said.
Willow shook her head, which was quite difficult since Buffy and Cordy were still plaiting her hair. “Sita, I am never going to understand why you didn’t jump on him.”
“’Cause he’s like a little brother to me. Besides, I resolved long ago not to give him the satisfaction of being called my boyfriend. Plus, he’s my best friend, if you can find true friendship it’ll last forever.”
“You guys are so tolerant,” said Buffy, “it’s weird like, with Spike and Angelus, it was like a war over Drusilla.”
Cordelia screwed up her nose. “Eww! Who would want to?”
They all laughed at the thoughts of the crazy and violent femme.
Sita giggled. “Well, it’s easier when you don’t believe in monogamy.”
Willow looked surprised. “You don’t believe in faithfulness?”
“Hey, that’s not what I said. I’d stay with Yaks or Seymour forever as friends but I’d never tie myself to a guy for more than a decade, twenty years at the most. Maybe it would have different if Rama had been on the scene, I would have stayed with him, you know what I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Buffy grinned. “Oz?”
“Yeah, he’s so cool about everything, and cute and caring.”
“See, there’s someone you would stay with because werewolves have a nose for finding their best partners and they’re very loyal.”
Their little soiree was interrupted when someone knocked at the window. Cordy opened it to find Oz with a rose in his teeth and a guitar in his hands. He handed a note to Cordy and the rose to Willow and sat back in a more comfortable position on the branch.
“What’s on the note?”
“Well, seems that the boys are playing dares Sita.”
All eyes turned to Oz as he started playing the guitar. It was to the tune of Smelly Cat from Friends.
“Sexy Willow,
Sexy Willow,
Why are you dating me?
Sexy Will,
Sexy Will,
I’m a short little dog!”
Down on the lawn, all the guys started wetting themselves laughing and the girls did the same up in Buffy’s room.
Oz, looking embarrassed, kissed Willow’s hand and started to climb down the tree. “Ok, I’m off the hook, Angel, you’re up!”
Angel walked over to under the window and started reciting the piece, a mockery of Shakespeare.
“But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Buffy is the sun!
Arise fair Slayer and kill the envious vamps
Who are already sick and pale from malnutrition
At how their hunts end in stakes and she
Be not a maid, since they will be dust
Their vestal livery is but smelly and damp
And none but fools dost enter it. Burn it down
It is my lady!
O, it is my love!
O, she knows she is.
She smiles yet her mouth stays fixed.
What of that?
Her eyes question me, I will answer you
I am too bold; ‘tis not at me she smiles.”
Angel then began climbing up to the window as he had done many the time before.
“One of the fairest stakes in all the heaven,
Having some business, dost grace her hand
To stab at evil hearts ‘till they do dust.
What if her eyes were there, there in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those super models
As Pauly Shore dost the stupid, his brains in hell
Rot so fast throu’ the brimstone and sulphur
That Satan rolls his nose and thinks it’s a zombie.
See how she laughs!”
He was now level with the window and Buffy walked over to him. They looked into each others eyes and Angel put his hand to Buffy’s cheek. She in turn put her hand over his.
“O, were I a straw in your coke,That I may taste your lips.” Buffy, who did learn something in English, took up Juliet’s part.
“Ay me!”
“She speaks!
O, speak again my love! For thou has
A voice more soft, more gentle
Than a winged messenger of Heaven
Unto her soft wand’ring eyes
The immortal I gaze into
When I lay by you,
And sleep my head upon your bosom.”
“Oh Angel, my Angel! Wherefore art thou so sad?
Deny thy sorrow and refuse the shame!
For I, giving all to you, swear to my love forever
And I’ll take away the sorrow.”
That was as far as the dialogue went because then their lips meet in a tender kiss and Buffy pulled Angel into the room. He smiled at her and shouted down to Xander. “Hey, Harris, you’re up next!”
The rest of the guys ran inside and Angel ran out of the room and downstairs. A few moments later, a rose was thrown in the window and the girls rushed to the window. On the lawn was Xander wearing nothing but a black bow tie and a towel tied like a diaper. He was holding Buffy’s crossbow and started singing a la Alanis Morissette, her song ‘So Pure’.
He cleared his throat and began.
“You from the pep squad,
You are so beautiful,
You reduced me to, tears of pain!
Bitchy more so than most anybody
Unapologetically numb, brain in my head
And knot in my throat.
I love you when you bitch when
You chewout in trance,
So strong such an exception.
Supposed former cheerleading bitch
I dust three vampires and you wax poetically.
I love you when you groom, when You stay in your room!
So vain, such an expression!
Lets brush your hair over tea,
Lets discuss things over the phoneLets not be popular, lets be ridiculous
Lets solve Sunnydale’s problems!
I love you when we kiss when
We make out in the closet
So kind such a lady.”
Everyone was laughing and all the guys went up to the girl’s. They were greeted by cheers and hugs.
“Hey,” said Kali, “how come you and Yaks didn’t do anything Seymour?”
“Well, we were the ones who had to make up the dares. I was going to dress in drag and sing ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba but I didn’t think you’d appreciate it.”
“I don’t know, I think you’d look sexy in a dress.”
“It’d be like the Crying Game” remarked Sita.
Cordy was staring at Xander, who was half naked and taking a few mental notes. “So, Xander, who made up the song about me?”
“Yaksha did! I didn’t have any part in it at all!”
“Really? I thought the end was sweet.”
“Oh, well, I made that bit up myself of course.”
Buffy was sitting beside Angel (as usual) and she asked “How long were you planning that?”
“Um, ten minutes but my challenge was to make it up as I went along.”
“You did an excellent job” Buffy said in a low voice.
“I had the best inspiration” said Angel in an equally low and husky voice. “It was very flattering.” A long kiss ensued and Yaksha looked disgusted.
“E gads! Is this going to turn into a kissathon?”
Cordy smiled heartily. “Why not? C’mere Xander!”
“Yes milady.” You can guess what happened next.
Seymour laughed. “See who can go the longest without coming up for air.”
“Oh, Sita and me” Yaksha said confidently.
Willow interrupted her own kissathon with Oz to look confused. “Wait, you two aren’t a couple.”
Sita replied “yeah, but we can go for forty five minutes without breathing.”
“We better think of other ways to waste our time ‘cause regarding late, it’s not. Plus, Buffy’s mom’ll be back soon and do you really want her walking in on a kissathon?”
Xander jumped up. “Ooh! I know! To pay us back, our better halves could lap dance!”
As soon as he said that, a bolt flew out of the crossbow and Buffy, Cordelia, Willow, Sita and Kalika hit him.
“Ow! Violent femmes!”
Sita had an idea. “ We could egg Synder’s house.”
“Or,” Yaksha said, “we could have an obstacle race in the basement.”
“We could get whipped cream and strawberries!” said Xander.
“We could go Bronzing” suggested Oz.
“We could hack the FBI mainframe” (you can guess).
“We could make prank phone calls to the Police.”
“We could find some Lilt, tonic water and pickles.”
“Buffy, enough with the weird cravings!” said Xander.
“Oh! I got it” yelled Seymour, “we can go annoy Giles and Jenny with our adolescent inanity.”
“Are you sure you don’t mean insanity?” Cordelia shot.
“Besides, it’d just be the most exciting thing ever.”
“Well, Miss-High-School-Beauty-Queen, do we have anything better to do?”
“Make overs?”
“Oh, grow up!”
“Hey! Leave her alone. Teasing her’s my job.”
“Ooh, and you’re so good at it Xander.”
“Seymour’s right, lets go.”
“Thank you Sita for agreeing with me!”
After Xander put his clothes on and everyone grabbed some weaponry, they set out for Giles’ apartment.
In Giles’ apartment, he and Jenny were sprawled on the couch after watching a romantic old movie. Jenny was laid out flat, her head on Gile’s lap and he was rubbing he hair absent mindedly. They had been living together in Gile’s apartment ever since Jenny came back only to discover that her apartment had been invaded by rats and roaches.
After a bit of matchmaking by Buffy and Co, they had become a couple again and the fact that no one was holding grudges made it easier. Well, Jenny and Giles were as happy as clams and as the movie ended, Giles decided it was time for some tea.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Mmm, no, I think I’ll just stay here.”
Giles smiled. “Very well.” He then started giving his lover a full blown head massage. Jenny was in paradise.
“God, that feels good. So, do you think I should move my stuff over soon out of my old apartment?”
“It would be a good idea, I’ll enlist the help of the um, young and willing and the old and strong to help us.”
“That’d be great. So, how is Sita getting on with the vampire slaying?”
“Fine, fine. She’s extremely strong willed and um, well, she doesn’t really take any protocol seriously, and she loves to point out that she’s older, wiser and more experienced than I, it’s joking.”
“Neither do you take any protocol seriously or Buffy for that matter and Sita and Angel both say that the vampire population has never been cut down as fast as when Buffy was slaying.”
“Yes, you’re right, I suppose both of us went against extremely large taboos. Buffy with Angel and having friends, and being a parent. Me, well, watchers are supposed to be superior to Slayers but I’ve never believed that, and watchers are never meant to accept help from bewitching Europeans or vampires or teenagers but, well, it worked, it killed the vampires.”
Jenny laughed and smiled at him and gazed at him with loving, proud eyes. “If you were any other watcher, you’d have disowned her long ago.”
“Well, what happened with Angel, happened out of love and if nothing else, my time here has shown me that love is the most important thing we can want and the most powerful weapon we can hold.”
“When did you learn that?”
“When you were, when you were gone. I couldn’t believe that I had acted the way I had. True, I was angry but I realised that anger was no excuse for denying love, it’s gone, all of the anger.”
“You are a truly unique and wonderful man Rupert Giles.” She paused to enjoy her head massage and carried on. “Did you ever wonder what it must be like for Buffy? Having a child must be terrifying.”
“It must, I can’t imagine it at all.”
“You’re a man, of course you can’t. I think she’s incredibly mature to be able to deal with it as well as she is.”
“I agree, and I admire her greatly for it; it will be a mixed journey but she has everyone’s support, her mother’s,,,”
“The Scooby Gang.”
“The vampires, especially Angel. Did you know he was going to kill himself?”
“No?! What happened?”
“When he was changed by Sita, she blocked his memories so he’d be able to help. Once she gave them back, he, um, he almost ran out. Sita grabbed him and reminded him about the baby. He was fine then, still burdened with grief but I think Sita may be using mind control so he doesn’t feel overly guilty.”
“It’s funny, vampires helping each other and protecting the Slayer, taking on her responsibilities, having souls, having children, going out in the sun, being cannibals and going to high school. We could write it down, ‘The Guide to Weird Watcher Experiences’.”
“Um, they’re called Watcher Journals.”
“You know what I mean.” They smiled at each other and started to kiss passionately. They contended doing so until there came a knock. Looking none too pleased, Giles got up and answered it to find Buffy, Angel, Yaksha and Sita standing there.
Giles was severely annoyed to say the least. “What on Earth are you doing here?”
“Well hello to you too. We were bored and since the Bronze was closed we came over here” said Buffy.
“Yeah,” Yaksha said, “the others all went home for make out sessions and Kali and Seymour are meant to be at home doing homework but we know that’s not true.”
Angel looked annoyed at the ever cynical Yaksha. “Yaks, shut up.”
“Yes, do!” said Jenny. “Come on in you guys.”
Giles looked like a man who had lost everything as they walked in past him. His slayer picked up on this. “Aw, Giles, did we interrupt smoochies?” Giles gave her a dark look that answered the question. “Well,, I didn’t think English people believed in sex before marriage.” At this point Sita collapsed onto the floor, in fits of laughter and kept going until she started to cry. She sat up, wiping at her eyes.
“Jesus Buffy, you’ve obviously never been to England.”
“Excuse me!”
“Giles, it was a joke. So Buffy, hows the baby?”
“Fine, my own little bundle of morning sickness. It’s annoying but it’s meant to be good for the baby.”
“It’s not just morning sickness, it’s afternoon sickness, evening sickness, night sickness and lunch sickness” said Angel.
“Oh dear, it sounds awful. Oh, I almost forgot, Sita, I received some pieces of stone today with ah, some inscriptions on them which no one could decipher, could you take a look at them?”
“Sure, is that them in the crate?”
Giles nodded and Sita went over and pulled the lid off the crate. Looking inside, she pulled out two pieces of stone and blew the dust off them.
“Do you know what language they’re in?”
“Yeah Giles, they’re in Sanskrit, my native language.”
She laughed and handed the tablets to Yaksha. “Here, Yaksha, read these.”
Yaksha looked at the stone and laughed.
“What’s so funny?” asked Jenny looking confused.
“It says ‘Runda smells worse than an incontinent elephant’ and the other one says ‘Arnan loves Manshi’.”
“So it’s graffiti?” asked Giles looking disappointed.
“Yup.”
“It’s such a joke what people will put up. I mean, a few years ago in The Natural History Museum in London they put up a scroll which they hadn’t translated and get this, it said Evanch’s better hung than a stallion and Eronch’s like a baby carrot and two anaemic potatoes.”
“Hey,” said Sita, “I know who wrote that and I was there when the day she wrote it. What a fun day.”
They all started chatting amiably until the question of slayage popped up.
“So Sita,” Jenny asked, “how’s slaying been?”
“Not too bad, bordering on boring. There’s not been very many trying to feed and hardly any have risen and for once, not one single plan to open the Hell Mouth.”
“You’ve probably scared them all away” said Angel.
“Yes,” drawled Yaksha, “she’s good at that.” He was rewarded by a punch to the arm that would have broken any human’s arm.
“No, I think something big is going on. The Summer solstice happens soon.”
“But”, Angel Reminded her, “they hate that day with a vengeance.”
“I know but there’s still allot of power contained in it.”
Buffy started to talk, in her old slayer mode. “We,” she received stern looks from everyone so she rethought her sentence. “I mean you, guys should see what’s going on.”
“You’re right. I’ll go beat up Willy the Snitch a couple of times.”
“Dibs coming!”
“Not a chance Yaksha, you’re going home to keep an eye on things. I’m leaving you in charge so don’t let anyone die before I get back. I’ve got a bad feeling.”
“What, like a portent?”
“No, Giles more like the opening lines of ‘The Merchent of Venice’, just a bad feeling.”
“Any dreams?” asked Yaksha.
“I haven’t slept in four days. Maybe I should.”
Jenny was amazed. “You get prophetic dreams?”
“More annoying than anything else and they usually only tell me how to overcome my problems, not how to find them and I have a woeful track record for not figuring them out until the last possible minute.”
“We should be glad that she hasn’t had one. The last time she did, she very nearly died” Yaksha said.
“Look, it’s a bad feeling not an oh-my-god-we’re-all-going-to-die-horribly feeling.”
Giles looked uncertain. “How can you tell the difference?”
“Experience. Now, you guys go home, I’m off hunting.”
“Bring me home a Happy Meal Sita.”
“Funny Yaks, funny.”
Getting up of the couch with a minimal amount of effort, Buffy made her way towards the door and Angel and the other two followed.
“Well, bye Giles, bye Ms Calender.”
“Call me Jenny Buffy.”
“Sorry, Jenny.”
Their goodbyes all said, Buffy, Angel and Yaksha went off home and Sita slunk off into the shadows. Giles closed the door and turned to Jenny who wrapped her arms around his neck.
“So Jenny, where were we?”
“Half way up the stairs I think.”
They kissed heartily and went on upstairs and there we leave them and you fans of smut probably know the next scene off by heart and non-smut lovers’ll skip it anyway and my story will get a higher rating (from R to Nc-17) so I’ll leave it out.
