*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part 9
~How Do I?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Buffy didn't know how long they'd been sitting in Angel's kitchen. Time was unimportant; she could spend eternity there in his lap and be completely content. Angel was hurting, and he needed her there. She would be damned if she didn't give him the support and comfort he deserved, the same things he'd always given to her when she'd needed them.

Plus, she was in shock. It wasn't like she could go anywhere, even if she wanted to. She was trying so hard to understand everything he'd said, searching her subconscious for those hidden memories while she rocked Angel softly, soothingly. Nothing had turned up so far. There were flashes of things, but she wasn't sure if they were real or just manifestations of her imagination.

It was just so hard to digest. She'd said that she thought Angel was the father of her child before she'd known that there was a real possibility that he was. She'd also said it in total lunacy, for she hadn't thought it was at all plausible. Saying it made it almost seem like it could happen, and that thought had comforted her...and it really had been true. She didn't really trust that Oracle, even if Angel seemed to. They were in a delicate situation at that moment, and their relationship had taken on a whole different angle and many complications.

There were a million questions racing through her mind, but the most prominent was also the most serious. What the hell were they going to do now?

Angel's sobs had quieted, but he hadn't let go of Buffy. His arms were holding her close to him, his large hands supporting her back while they cried together. Her shirt and skin were soaked with their mingled tears, as were his. Her fingers were gently combing the short hairs at the back of his neck in a soothing manner, and it seemed to be having the desired effect. Angel was silent beneath her, his heaving chest still once more. Her cheek was pressed against the wet fabric of his T-shirt, the top of her head tucked neatly under his chin.

It was different, because even though it felt natural to Buffy it didn't feel natural to the body she was in. They didn't fit together perfectly.

She missed her body.

"Buffy," Angel whispered, his voice raw with emotion and tears. She nuzzled his cheek with hers as she sat up and looked him in the eye. She nearly broke again at the pain in the chocolate pools...but the love kept her from doing so.

"What do we do now?" she asked him, her hand cupping his wet cheek gently. He nuzzled it for comfort, pressing a kiss to her palm. How had she lived without him?

"We get back together, make it work," he replied. Her heart skipped a beat at his words, her head filling with wonderful images of them together, and happy, with their babies... Their babies. Back together for the babies? What kind of a relationship was that?

Buffy felt her joy evaporate as logic wormed its way into her mind. That was the only reason he'd suggested it. Make it work for the babies. Angel mistook her silence for stunned joy, and continued.

"I can move back to Sunnydale, get a place. You can finish the semester and then move in with me, and you can take a year off when they're born. We-"

"So we're getting back together because we're having a baby together?" she repeated, her voice guarded and cold. Angel looked up at her with bright tears in his eyes, a slight smile gracing his lips.

"Two babies," he whispered. "Two amazing babies with the woman I love..." Angel leaned forward to kiss her. Buffy evaded his lips, pulling back to look squarely at him.

"So you just want to be with me because I'm pregnant," she said again. Angel, not understanding what was wrong, nodded his head.

"It'll be hard, I know, but we can--"

"No, Angel, we can't!" she cried, jumping out of his lap and staring down at him like he was crazy. "You're not thinking logically about this."

"And you are." His voice held a sarcastic note that was not lost on her.

"Yeah, for once I'm the sane one," she snapped, running a hand through her brown hair and taking a calming breath. She started again, this time without the anger. "Look, Angel. It's great that you want to do the noble thing here, but just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we can magically get back together and all our problems will go away. We lead separate lives now..." Buffy trailed off, turning away from him. "We don't live in each other's worlds anymore."

"I didn't say it wouldn't be hard, because it will be," Angel argued, standing as well and going over to her. He tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. "But that doesn't mean it's impossible."

Buffy pulled away from him and spun around. "It is, Angel, it really is," she sighed. Fresh tears sprang into her eyes. "Nothing has changed. *Nothing.* You're still a vampire, and I'm still the Slayer. You live in L.A. and I live in Sunnydale. Remember that normal life you wanted me to have so badly? I've got it."

"But things *have* changed. I've changed. You've changed. Circumstances have changed," Angel argued, his voice raising on its own volition.

"Right. Circumstances," she repeated bitterly. "You knocked me up, and now you think we'll just get back together and live happily ever after. Like I said, Angel, you're not thinking clearly. You're in some kind of denial, and I'd love to join you, but I will *not* sit around and make all these plans and then get hurt again. I won't let you hurt me. I won't let you hurt our babies."

"And you think that raising them without me won't hurt them--and you, and me--too?" Angel retorted, his gaze locked on hers.

A single tear traced down Buffy's cheek. "Angel, there are things we have to consider. Our lives, our relationship--which could use a lot of help right about now. We can't just say 'let's get back together' and have it actually happen."

"Is it because of Riley?" Angel asked, doing nothing to hide the jealousy he felt as he spoke. Buffy looked up at him, Faith's eyes wide at the thought.

"No, it's not because of Riley. Riley doesn't matter right now. What matters is *us* and what the hell we're going to do, since we obviously weren't smart enough to use a condom and now have to pay the consequences," Buffy replied, taking another step away from him. She winced, realizing how harsh her words sounded. Neither acknowledged them.

"Is it about me leaving?" Angel asked quietly. Buffy was silent for a long moment before answering.

"Yeah, I guess part of it is." His look of understanding urged her on, allowing her to give voice to her fears. "How do I know you won't do it again? That one day you won't think 'Hey, I don't deserve all this' and just abandon us? What if all your delusions of a 'normal' life for me come up again and you decide to leave so that we can have that? I love you with all my heart, Angel, but I will *not* let you hurt me like that again."

Angel was quiet for a long time. "You can't deny that this time apart hasn't been good for us," he started.

"No, I can't," Buffy agreed. "It *has* been good for us. But has it been enough?"

He took a hesitant step towards her. "Buffy...I love you. So much so that I can't even stand it sometimes. And to think I created life with you...it's unbelievable." He paused, allowing a small smile to grace his lips. "Don't you see? This changes everything."

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing her memories to return. If only she knew how special this was to him, how special it had been to her...it might've made this easier. But she wasn't going to pretend everything was fine and dandy and let him back into her life just because he'd gotten her pregnant. And she said so.

"I'm not going to make you rearrange your life because I'm pregnant, Angel," she said firmly. "The last thing any girl wants is a guy who hangs around because he feels obligated to."

"How can you say that? How can you even *think* that's why I'm saying all this?" Angel demanded, striding over to her and gripping her shoulders. He leaned down, invading her personal space, as he continued. "Don't you know how important all of this is to me? How important *you* are to me? Do you have any idea how many times I've dreamed of this, how long I've wanted this? It's not like I can have kids anytime I want to, Buffy. I won't let you keep them from me. I can't..." His voice broke with the weight of his words, and she fought hard not to take him in her arms once more and console him.

"I...I know that you want to be there for me, and I know you want to be there for them," she started carefully, gazing up at him and trying hard not get lost in his hypnotic eyes. "But you need to think seriously about this. Do you want to be with me? Do you *really* want to be with me, and would you want to even if I wasn't having your babies? Because if the answer is no, then we shouldn't even be having this conversation."

"All I've ever wanted was to be with you," he whispered, his large hands sliding down her arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. She shivered as fire raced up and down her spine.

"But you left," she reminded him, almost painfully. Why are you fighting this? She asked herself. You can have what you want...you can have what you've always wanted.

But she knew that she didn't want Angel to be with her out of pity, or out of duty. He had to be with her because he *wanted* to be with her. That was the only way. Words were nice, but she'd learned the hard way not to take them as the absolute truth. He'd said he'd never leave her hundreds of times, and yet he had. She'd fallen for Parker's lines, and been hurt incredibly. This...she needed proof that he meant it.

Problem was, she didn't know what exactly she was looking for.

"God, Buffy, don't you see why I did?" he cried. He let go of her, and for a brief moment she was afraid she'd fall to the floor without his support. "It was too much, to be with you and not *be* with you...I couldn't take not being able to make love to you, to show you how much I love you. It was like I couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything without being afraid."

"And how do you know that won't happen again?" she shot back angrily. "The curse is still there, Angel, it hasn't taken a permanent vacation. It's there, and it will always be there. We can't have what you want us to have, what *I* want us to have. There'll be no sex, and no picnics or strolls in the park as a family."

"Don't you think I know that?" he hissed, his eyes flashing gold for a moment before it disappeared.

"Yeah, you probably do," she said, "and that's going to affect us. Don't you think that the birth of your children will make you just a little happy? How do we know that somewhere down the line something won't set you off, like hearing their first words or watching their first steps? I want you to be in my life, and theirs, just as much as you do, but that's a risk I'm not willing to take."

"I'm not saying it won't be hard--" he began through clenched teeth

"Impossible would be the correct word there," she interrupted. Angel stared at her for a long moment before breaking.

"Why are you trying to take this away from me? They're all I have from that day, the only proof that it existed!" he shouted, slamming his fist down on the table. "I'll be damned if I let you take them away from me!"

And suddenly, she understood. They were his link to that one day that had been, and yet hadn't. They were all he had left as physical proof. She didn't even remember it, for God's sake. They were all he had.

"So it is about them after all," she said softly, the pain in her eyes evident. She wished so badly for those memories, to know first-hand all they'd had, to know what it had been like to create children with the man she loved, to feel the hope and joy of the future ahead. "You just want to get back together for them, so that you can be a part of their lives."

Angel realized his mistake too late. He raised up his hand in defense, his shoulders sagging slightly when it dawned on him that he'd totally screwed up what he was trying to say. "No, Buffy, that's not the only reason. It's a factor, yes, but not the main one. I love you. I want to be with you. It was hard before, and it'll be hard this time too. But it's..." Angel trailed off, unsure of how to put his feelings into words.

"It's like fate has given us an excuse to get back together. I know," he said, motioning her to keep quiet when she opened her mouth to speak, "we shouldn't need an excuse. We shouldn't have to answer to anyone but each other about our relationship. But you and I both know that that's just not the way it is."

"Everyone gets a say in the Buffy and Angel Show," she said in agreement, her voice low and bitter.

"What if this is fate's way of giving us a break?" he asked. "Maybe this was destined to happen. Maybe we shouldn't fight it anymore, maybe we should just go with it."

"That sounds really nice and fairy tale-esque, Angel, but this is the real world, and we both know firsthand that the Powers That Be or whatever Cordelia called them don't want us to be together," she argued, refusing to look him in the eye. If she did, she knew her arguments would evaporate and she'd go running back to him.

"Maybe they don't have as much control over us as you're giving them credit for," Angel replied anxiously. He searched her face for some kind of agreement, but found none there. "Do you really think they planned on our love being this strong? They've tried to break us up, but we always find our way back. Maybe this...maybe this is our reward."

"No, I don't think they planned it. What we have...it's more powerful than them," she said softly, finally finding the courage to look him in the eye. "Maybe they were afraid of that, or couldn't handle it. If I were some all-powerful thing, I wouldn't be too pleased to find out that two humans shared something that was more powerful than me. And they're the *Powers* *That* *Be.* They control, like, everything. Me, you, our lives are just their playthings."

"But they can't control us, that's the thing," Angel pushed. "They've tried, but we can't be controlled. Our love is so forbidden, even Romeo and Juliet pale in comparison."

"I know that, Angel," Buffy whispered, taking a cautious step towards him. "We've ignored all the impossibilities and what we have is so amazing. But the bottom line is we *can't* be together. You said it yourself. Remember the whole sewer thing?"

"That was really bad timing, wasn't it?" he said with a wince. She cracked a half-smile.

"That one takes the cake for bad timing."

"But that was before, Buffy. I know you hate to hear this, but the fact that we're now having twins *does* change things, and it affects this decision. If the Oracle was telling the truth, our children are going to be fighting evil just like us," he said.

"Can we get her to take a lie detector test? 'Cause I'm thinking that's the Powers' idea of a sick joke..." Buffy trailed off, tears glimmering in her brown eyes. "How are we going to let that happen to them? How are we going to just sit there and let our children fight for their lives against the big baddies?"

Angel approached her slowly, reaching out one hand to cup her cheek. "We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"Is this the same bridge that the water goes under...or is it over? I never found out how that expression goes..." she teased, the memory of their first kiss making her smile.

"Different one," he replied with a shake of his head. "This one isn't as high."

But Buffy couldn't let it die. "So you're *still* saying that we should just get back together for the babies?" Angel sighed deeply and ran a hand through his rumpled hair before reaching out and taking both of her hands in his, drawing him to her.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." She gave him a look, and he quickly continued before she could say anything. "Buffy, I love you. I'd give anything to be with you. Hell, I gave up my humanity so you could live. If this gift will allow me to be with you, I'm not about to look the proverbial gift horse in its proverbial mouth."

"But what if that's all it is? A gift horse? Or, actually it would be a gift baby, but..." she trailed off uncertainly. This felt so good, being in his arms again, so right. Maybe this *was* their second chance.

"I need you, baby," he whispered, leaning down to press his forehead against his while still retaining eye contact. "I need you so much I can't stand it. And just knowing that we're going to now have twins...I can't even describe how happy that makes me. But don't worry," he added at her startled look, "there will be no soul-losing today. It's true that I wouldn't be saying all this had you not gotten pregnant, or at least not now, anyway. But because you *are* pregnant, everything's changed. We have something we created that will bind us together."

"And that normal life you wanted for me?" she asked, half-teasingly. She was nearly sold on it, and she'd missed him so...

"I believe you once told me normal was over-rated," he said with a twinkle in his eye, straightening up.

"I can be pretty smart when I want to be," she replied with a shrug, not being able to contain the smile on her lips. She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "And what's happened to the broody, cryptically pessimistic guy I used to know? He certainly wouldn't have been saying this," she joked.

"He grew up, faced some demons. Realized there are things worth fighting for," Angel answered seriously, taking a step towards her. His voice dropped as he continued. "And he found out he was going to be a father."

Someone cleared their throat, and Buffy and Angel turned in surprise to see a blushing Wesley standing in the doorway. "Sorry to interrupt," he said hesitantly, glancing from vampire to Slayer and back again, obviously taking in the fact that Buffy had slept in Angel's clothes and that their faces were red and swollen with tears. "But I believe I've found the reversal spell."

Buffy nearly lost her balance when her mind managed to wrap around what he'd just said, but somehow stayed on her feet. She wanted to cry out in happiness, but opted to breathe a sigh of relief and share a victorious glance with Angel. "That's great, Wesley, "she said with a warm smile, the look appearing almost unnatural on Faith's face. "Can you go call Giles and tell him about it? Angel and I...need to finish talking."

Wesley glanced over at Angel, who nodded slightly. He gave a curt nod and smiled at Buffy. "I shall do it immediately."

They were silent until they heard the door leading to the office upstairs shut tightly. Turning back to Angel, Buffy felt the weight of their conversation hit her, and she suddenly got the urge to sit down.

"I still don't want to get back together because you feel obligated, Angel," she told him honestly, taking a hesitant step towards him.

"I don't, Buffy," he replied. "This is just giving us a push in the right direction."

"How do I know that you aren't just saying all this because you really do feel like you have to get back together with me because you got me pregnant?" she asked quietly, feeling hurt at having to say it. But it was bothering her, and she needed to get it out.

His shocked expression was all the answer she needed.

"How can you even *think* that, Buffy? I know we've been out of contact, but you should know me better than that. I love you too much to hurt you that way. Can't you see how right this is, how this is meant to be?" he asked desperately.

She looked away from him, a hurt expression flashing across her features. "You keep saying that like it's a good," she said. "But when you think about it, it just complicates an already majorly-complicated thing. Everything you left for is still weighing us down. This isn't a decision we can make overnight."

"I know it isn't," he said earnestly, taking a step towards her. "But we'll make it when we're ready, together."

"Together," she echoed, not daring to let herself give in to all the hope and promise that word held. "Every decision we make, right down to the brand of coffee we buy, has to be made together. None of that 'for your own good' crap. It's all or nothing."

The distance between them was rapidly closing. "I know," he whispered as he inched towards her. "We have to be equals, not Buffy and her boyfriend."

"Or Angel and his girlfriend," she quipped, eliciting a small smile from him.

"We make the decisions about everything involving us and our children together," he repeated. She nodded solemnly, taking on last step and staring up at him.

"No more listening to outside sources," she said with a pointed gaze. "I love my mother dearly, but she no longer has any say in my life."

"She was right, though," Angel said, gazing down at her.

"Let's not talk about that right now," she urged. "Let's just talk about how we're going to get these memories of mine back so I can understand how we got here." Angel smiled at her, and her heart fluttered. She so loved to see him smile...

"You'll remember. You promised me you wouldn't forget," he whispered, leaning down to brush his lips against her forehead.

"Angel," she murmured, her head lolling forward to rest on his chest.

"What, baby?" he asked sighing deeply and contently. He should probably be worried about his soul, but one look at her--regardless of the face she wore--made all thoughts of curses escape him.

"We're going to have a baby," she said happily, burrowing into his chest as his arms slid around her body.

"Two babies."

"How the hell are we gonna explain this one to the gang?" she asked. He smiled.

"Why don't we jump off that bridge when we come to it, too?"

"Another bridge? There are too many bridges in our relationship..." Angel chuckled, the sound spreading a tingling feel through her. Buffy was quiet for a moment, lost in her own thoughts. "Angel?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you *sure* this is what you want?" There was trepidation in her voice, as though she couldn't quite bring herself to believe that this was really happening.

"It's all I've ever wanted," Angel whispered, kissing her hair.

"We'll make it work, right? We'll do this together, face everything together?"

"We will," he soothed, his hands running up and down her back slowly. "I can't stand to be apart from you any longer."

"And you're absolutely, one-hundred percent, positively *positive* that you're not just getting back together with me because you feel like it's your duty to? I know how you eighteenth-century Catholic vampires can be..." she teased. Angel chuckled and clutched her tighter.

"How many do you know?"

She looked up at him, her soul bared to his gaze. She'd never felt as open...or as safe. "Just one. Don't worry, I haven't been secretly dating Spike this whole time. Although we were engaged..." At his startled look, she giggled and shook her head. "That's a whole other story, and it's one that I really don't want to talk about right now. Makes my skin do that crawling thing... But seriously, you're sure? This is what you want?"

Angel silenced her with a kiss, promptly making any and all doubts she'd had fly out the window. His lips glided over hers as if they had been doing so for an eternity, nipping and sucking at her lower lip gently as his tongue swept into her mouth. It held a promise of devotion and love, and she suddenly felt dizzy and high from it.

They were together. Nothing could hurt them when they were together.

"Oh, God, I leave you guys alone for less than twenty-four hours and you're already necking?" Cordelia complained from the top of the stairs. "It's like you two need a constant babysitter! Someone needs to keep an eye on you at all times, otherwise we'd be having some major soul-lossage. Again, might I add. I--"

"Cordelia, is there something you wanted?" Angel interrupted. She shot him a look.

"Yeah, pain-o-gram from the Powers That Be. Some girl is about to be the center of a demon gangbang, and it does *not* look as fun as it sounds. Not that it sounds fun. And can I just say that it's *really* disturbing to see you two making with the goggly eyes while you're in Faith's body?" she told Buffy with a shudder.

"Wesley found the spell to switch them back," Buffy said, slightly exasperated.

"So he said. He was on the phone, arguing with Giles about something. Those Watchers sure do have ego problems," she remarked, casually leaning against the railing on the stairs. Angel cleared his throat.

"Did you get an address?" he asked.

"Yeah, I got everything. Do you need her shoe size? How about the way she takes her coffee?" she snipped. "I got everything *during* my audition. It's like the P.T.B. are trying to sabotage my budding acting career or something! They must get their kicks out of watching me screw up because of those stupid visions."

"No, they get their kicks out of making life hell for Angel and I," Buffy corrected. "So, what do we get to go fight?"

"We?" Angel echoed. "Oh no, you're staying right here while I take care of this."

"Like hell I am," Buffy scoffed. "I've got energy to burn, and things are finally starting to look up. I'm getting my body back, we're going to make an effort to have some kind of relationship...I'd break out into song, but because I can't sing I'll save you the agony."

"Thanks oh so much," Cordelia said with a roll of her eyes. Sensing that they were about to go into another of those long periods of gazing into each other's eyes, she quickly broke the silence by saying, "Yo, Brood Boy and Slay Gal. These visions-- not to mention, my pain--are not for nothing. Some innocent girl is out there, about to be raped by a bunch of gross-looking demons that smell bad. Get moving!"

"Boy, does she know how to motivate the troops or what?" Buffy joked. Angel smiled softly, reaching up to tuck a strand of brown hair neatly behind her ear.

"Duty calls."

"Doesn't it always?" she quipped. Without another word, Angel pulled her to him and kissed her hard, the reality of it all crashing down on his shoulders and nearly making him cry again in joy.

They were together. Nothing else mattered.

Well, except for getting her body back. And making sure Faith didn't do anything to it. And stopping this kiss before it became something more...

He didn't think Cordelia would like it if they broke the kitchen table again in front of her.