"Time counts and keeps countin' and we knows now, findin the trick of what's been and lost ain't no easy ride. But that's our track. We gotta travel it and there ain't nobody knows wheres it's gonna lead." - Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

ONE SECOND

We were running...I heard the shattering sound of a gunshot…I felt the swift displacement of air whiz past my ear…I saw him stumble…He cried out my name…

ONE MINUTE

I slid to the ground, catching him, returning fire…There was shock in his eyes…He whispered my name…I looked up…ten more feet…He grasped my jacket and whispered my name once more followed by, “I’m sorry.” His hand fell away…Everything was still…His sightless eyes stared at the cerulean sky and a gentle breeze made the fields of grass beyond the Stargate ripple like waves on the ocean…A unrighteous scream broke the pristine silence…

ONE HOUR

The sky was gray with the sudden storm…Lightning split the sky open as thunder shook the ground…He held his friend tighter, hunching over to protect him from the sudden rain. He brushed the wet hair away from his eyes and straightened his glasses…Metal grating on metal…The feel of cold skin under his hand…a sudden whoosh and the sound of water rippling…He rubbed his hands up and down arms and back trying to bring some warmth to the skin beneath…light glimmered off the gun at his side…He rocked his friend back and forth, holding him close to share his warmth…Warm hands on my arms…a soft voice calling my name, calling his, asking what happened…What happened? I looked around, “Sam?”

“I’m here.” She squeezed my shoulder, “I’m right here.”

“Sam? What…what happened?”

She stared at me for a moment before squeezing my shoulder again, “It’s going to be all right. We’re going to take you back to SGC now, ok?” I watched as she yelled to Janet over her shoulder before looking around me. It was cold. When had that happened? I was shivering. The wind whipped my jacket away uncovering the body in my arms. I grabbed it and began to tuck it back, trying to keep him warm. Sam backed away in shock, yelling for Janet to hurry. Everything had a sickly green cast to it. I heard once that the sky turns green just before a hurricane…

I felt a tugging on my arms. They were trying to take him away from me…”No! Nooo!” I pulled him to my chest once again, this time trying to keep the prying hands away. Someone was shaking me, I recognized that voice, Sam…”Sam?”

“Yes, it’s me,” She was looking at me, her eyes were the same color as…”Can you hear me? It’s Sam…”

I smiled, “Hey Sam,” I looked down and smiled, “See, I told you we would make it…You’ve got to listen to me more often…”

The tugging was back, I wasn’t letting go, not this time…

”Let him go.”

Sam again. She loosened my grip his jacket and I let them take him away from me, “Sam?”

“I’m still here.”

“What happened, Sam?”

“I don’t know…”

“Sam…”

“Come on, lets get you up. Can you stand?”

“We were running, Sam.” She was tugging at my arm now. I stumbled to my feet. My legs were numb.

“Let’s get you back…”

I let her guide me to the Stargate. So close. The cold rain was falling on my face as she draped a warm blanket around my shoulders. So close…

ONE DAY

I woke up in the infirmary. Sam was there. She tried to get me to talk but I had nothing to say. I stared at the ceiling. Janet had drugged me into slumber as soon as I stepped foot on this side of the ‘Gate.

Sam said it was Thursday. A whole day had gone by. I shook my head. Thursday…

I guess Sam got tired of me staring at the ceiling because she finally left. I don’t blame her. I’m not very good company right now. She had tried to ask me about the mission but I wouldn’t tell her anything….couldn’t tell her…

Teal’c has been standing guard outside my door. I haven’t seen him but I know he’s there. I heard him talk to Sam as she left. She told him it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t. We were separated. It was supposed to be an easy mission. Gate out, translate some hieroglyphs, gate back. Simple. But we were separated…

I remember yelling for Teal’c to get Sam back through the ‘Gate. I heard the familiar whoosh…we were cut off…we ran, hid…too late…caught…”No…”

I must have yelled or something. Teal’c is standing beside me now. He’s looking at me with guilt in his eyes…”It wasn’t you’re fault, Teal’c.”

He blinks. Nods. Just once. The guilt is still there but not as much. Maybe one day he will forgive himself for what he didn’t do… I’ll never forgive myself…Maybe one day, I’ll forget…

They dragged us like animals…through the forest…chained us…Days…Weeks…We worked in the fields…They rippled in the wind like waves…Beatings…Hunger…Finally a chance…Running…

A hand on my shoulder brings me back. I’m once again staring at the ceiling. Hammond is there. He tells me I’m lucky. He tells me not to worry, everything will be all right.

I shake my head, no it won’t. It will never be all right…He’s gone. They don’t want to tell me, but I know. I remember now…So close…We were running…I felt it and then he stumbled…So damn close…

ONE WEEK

They finally had to let me go. Sure, I still wasn’t saying much but there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me. Janet fought tooth and nail to keep me there, she thinks I’m suicidal or something…something? Right now, I’m sitting here, in his place, surrounded by his things and I’m trying to forget that he’s never coming back. Yeah, something…

My jacket is draped over the back of a chair. There are stacks of half-filled boxes littering every room and light from the window is slowly creeping across the wooden floor. It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky, warm sunshine…

The sun was shining down. It gleamed off the white headstones, almost blinding in it’s brilliance…I stood there with Sam and Teal’c and General Hammond as they lowered the coffin into the ground. Sam sniffed into her handkerchief. I looked across the hole they were putting him in and watched Janet lift a crying Cassandra into her arms. I tried to feel something. Anything. I was dead inside. As dead as he was. He was dead because of me…I watched as Catherine threw a rose into the grave. One by one, people walked by and either tossed a flower or bent down to grab a handful of dirt to toss on the casket. One young Airman, Bookman, that was her name, she placed a stone at the head of the grave…where a new gleaming white headstone would be. One by one, they filed by until only Sam and Teal’c and me were left. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky…

It was a beautiful service for a man who should have had the rest of his life to live. He was my best friend and I let him die. And now, here I am, sitting in his place, packing his things, thinking that there should be something more to show for his life…

I glanced over to see out of the window. Not a cloud in the sky. It’s been a week. I pick up a gold frame that holds a picture of SG-1 during a happier time. Reaching out I run my hand over the face of the man I would have died for. It should have been me. We were running, so close…so damn close…

ONE MONTH

I’ll never forgive myself, but sometimes I can forget…I said that once before and as it was true then, it is doubly true now. I’ve managed to stave off Janet for a whole month now. She’s been after me again to see the damn shrinks. I don’t need a shrink. People see shrinks because they don’t know what is wrong with them. I know what id wrong with me. It’s called guilt.

I shouldn’t have hit that guard, I shouldn’t have dragged you across that field. I should have waited for the rescue party. I try not to think about if things would have been different. All I know for sure is that I got you killed. It should have been me. That bullet had my name on it.

I could really use some coffee right now, but if I get up Sam would know that I’m not sleeping and don’t think that wouldn’t get back to Janet…I really should be sleeping but sleep just won’t come and even if it did I can’t handle having the dream again. It’s the same dream I’ve been having since that day…we’re running through the forest and we’ve finally made it to the other side and then we start to run for the ‘Gate…then I see you stumble and I turn to shoot behind us and I see myself holding the gun that shot you…That’s when I wake up. I just can’t handle that right now.

I look over. On the other side of the campfire I see the guy Hammond assigned as your replacement. I can’t really say much about him. I really haven’t taken the time to get to know him at all. I’m sure he’s a great guy, I just…he’s not you.

I really should be sleeping. I pop a couple of sleeping pills in my mouth and rollover waiting for them to kick in. I’ll never forgive myself, but sometimes I can forget…

ONE YEAR

I told Sam that I couldn’t handle this anymore. That I wanted out. I had to get out of here, away. Anywhere that I wasn’t reminded of him every time I walked down a corridor or went to a briefing. It had been hard enough to walk through that ‘Gate everyday and not think about the friend I had lost, but to be confronted with that everywhere I went…It was too much. Maybe Janet’s right. Maybe I do need to get some help.

It’s been a year and everyone keeps telling me that I need to let it go. To forget about it…How can I forget when everything reminds me of him? I feel like I’m being haunted. Wouldn’t that just be so like him? Coming back to haunt me…

Even before I told her goodbye, I had put my letter of resignation on Hammond’s desk. She asked if I would be back. I told her the truth and begged her tell Teal’c goodbye. I couldn’t have faced him now. He was still looking at me with eyes full of guilt.

Would I be back? I honestly didn’t know. Maybe one day.

I already made plans to stay at a cabin in the mountains. I hope that will help me clear my head. But first…there’s one stop I have to make…

I drive through the gates and slowly pull over to the side of the road. Getting out I take a deep steadying breath before I silently walk down the grassy path. Past rows of headstones...Up the little hill…Under the oak tree…

I stop as I realize that I am not alone. Someone else is kneeling by the headstone with my friends name on it.

“Are you leaving?”

I look around but I don’t see anyone else near, “Yes.”

She doesn’t turn around but it doesn’t matter. I know who I’m talking to. I recognize her voice. She stands up, straightening her raincoat, “Why?”

Why…Why did he have to die? Why am I here? Why am I leaving? “I have to. I can’t stay here anymore.”

I can see her nod but she still doesn’t turn, “He wouldn’t want this.”

“I know.” I do. He would have wanted me to stay. Explore the galaxy…maybe even find Skaara.

Catherine turns and places a hand on my cheek, “Take care of yourself out there.”

“I will.”

I watch her walk steadily down the path. It’s been a year. A long hard year. Kneeling down, I place my hand on the cool surface of the headstone, my fingers unconsciously tracing the name engraved there. We were running…so close…“I’m sorry…”

ONE DECADE

I kneel down and place my hand on the cool surface, my fingers unconsciously tracing the name engraved there. “I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner…”

My mind drifts over the last decade. Such a long time, such a lot of things, some good, some bad…”Well you probably already know that we’ve lost a lot of good friends…” We had lost Catherine almost five years ago, Earnest soon after. George was killed in a tragic accident not two years ago.

“I came back. To the SGC I mean…although they call it the Stargate Commission now. They went public almost three years ago. Never thought I’d see the day. And you’ll never believe who they got to head this thing up…Some sarcastic, egotistical, arrogant, retired Air Force Colonel…At first I have to say that I took the job to make amends. I figured I could finish what you started…but, I’m not you…”

I hear soft footsteps behind me, a hand on my shoulder. Turning I see Sam. She’s as beautiful as she was the first time I saw her. She’s truly a magnificent woman…and mother. I decide to fill him in on the rest of the story silently…Sam married Richard Carter. He was the person Hammond picked to fill your shoes. And don’t think we made that an easy job…We all had a good time with her about not having to change her name when they married. They have two kids now. He’s the head of the Archeology department and she retired early and now heads up the Sciences department.

Teal’c is actually the leader of SG-1 now. We still go through the gate, but now with the fall of the last Goa’ould lord, it’s strictly a meet and greet operation. Gate out, make friends with the natives, study their culture…You would have loved this…

Janet is still in the service. Currently, she is stationed in Florida. Cassandra is almost grown now. She should be graduating college this year. We’re all very proud of her. She’ll be joining us here sometime next summer. She got her degree in Anthropology.

Sam patted my shoulder again before walking towards the car. “No, I’m not you but I think I’ve done a pretty good job.” Standing up, I straighten my shoulders, “I just wanted to say that I’m a better person for having known you and I’m honored and priviledged to have called you friend.” It took me a long time to get here. I still can’t help but think of him every time I look through the glass separating my office from the Stargate…Daniel’s Stargate. And it took me a long time to realize that no matter how far I run, he’ll always be there because he’s al part of me now. He’s a part of us all. I know that sounds a little flakey, but that’s just the way he was. He left his mark on everything he touched. And now I know, all that he believed in, everything that he was, it’s all still there…right there in the hearts and minds of everyone who has ever walked through his Stargate.

I offer a crisp salute to the silent headstone, “Goodbye Daniel.”

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The End.
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