I barked orders to the nurses and attendants around me. They're a good team. They flow around me. Instruments appear just when I need them, as if from nowhere. IVs are started as one person's hands change to another's, bags rehung as they finish off...I'm trying to save a man's life...
One hour ago I was commenting on how quiet it seemed. No one ever imagines an emergency room to be quiet. They never show that on 'ER' or in the movies. It's an eerie feeling. The nurse at the desk, Jeannie, just laughed as she said, "It's just the quiet before the storm, Doc. Just the quiet before the storm." The call came in fifteen minutes later.
"What do we have Jeannie?"
"A hurricane, Doc."
I peered over her shoulder to look at the log. Three car crash at an intersection. One dead at the scene, two uninjured, three enroute.
"Get me the workup on the three..."
"Already on it," Jeannie was scribbling on a notepad as the sound of emergency crews at the scene blared through the radio speaker.
I didn't have to say anything, Jeannie started handing out papers and everyone rushed to do what needed to be done before the EMTs arrived. Like I said they're a good crew.
We knew what to expect but that never really prepares you. Trying to save someone's life isn't like cramming for a history final. You have to find out for yourself, no one can study for you. They can give you notes but you still have to do all the work yourself to make sure the notes are right. That's kind of what EMTs do. They take the notes so all we have to do is verify they're right. We don't have to read the whole book to find out what's wrong.
Listening to the radio we knew it was two men and one woman. The woman was relatively unharmed. The other two were major trauma cases so we divided up into two units. It's tight, we aren't manned for that, but we can handle it.
The doors fly open and I run to the first gurney that passes through. Male, 40, severe trauma to the chest, possible leg fracture, severe blood loss...I rush down the hall with the gurney as he is pushed into the first unit.
One nurse starts cutting away the man's clothes, while another tries to clean the area so I can see. The accompanying EMT is still rattling off what they've already done. I'm going to have to operate. Now. I start yelling orders again. My team doesn't take offense. They efficiently glide around me doing what is needed. The go between, John, that's his name, is keeping us stocked up with fresh supplies as bloody gauze piles up at our feet. John also keeps us up with what's happening in the other trauma rooms. It's not needed, it's not important to saving this man's life but it's welcomed. It keeps us human, makes us feel something for these people.
The woman is ok. Everyone sighs relief. We don't know her but we're grateful anyway. That's one less phone call that will have to be made. One less person to save.
The other man isn't doing so good. He has multiple lacerations and massive internal bleeding. They're going to crack his chest. John nods at the man beneath my hands, "No ID on the younger one. EMT says he thinks they're brothers."
John left. I'm trying to close a puncture in the man's lung. I'm almost done. "He stopped breathing! Get him bagged!"
"It's not working! His throat's constricted!"
I toss aside the instrument I was using and hold my hand out. A scalpel is placed in it and a nurse moves out of the way as I move to make the incision for a treach tube...
It's in, it's good. John is back. They lost the brother.
There's a new rush of energy in the room. Everyone is more determined than ever to save this one. //Come on. Don't give up on me now!//
...He didn't give up. He fought every step of the way. He's got a long way to go but he'll make it. He has to. I don't want to tell someone they lost two sons. I step out of the room and start down the corridor toward the doctor's lounge. I don't know why but I feel compelled to enter the other unit.
Everyone is gone. There is no rush here. A battle fought hard and lost. This one looks so young. Too young to be here. Too young to be so still. I brush sandy brown hair from his closed eyes. He looks so innocent.
I feel a cold shiver run up my spine. It feels like someone is there. Watching. Waiting. "It's ok son. We've got you're brother...we'll take care of him for you. You can go now."
A cold brush on my shoulder and suddenly the room seems warmer.
//You've been awake too long. Imagining things...// I pull the sheet up, covering the peaceful expression on the young man's face, the slight curve of a smile. //Was that there before...?//
I shake my head and leave the room without glancing back. Jeannie should have the numbers ready by now.
"Hey Doc!"
I turn. Sure enough, Jeannie is walking towards me holding a clipboard, so I turn to meet her halfway. "Hey Doc, I got the numbers for you. The younger one didn't have any ID but the other two are military. The woman is fine. She had a bump on the head and a broken arm. Dr. Warner wants to keep her under observation for a day or so, just in case."
"Ok, Jeannie. I'll make the calls." I look up and notice that I'm standing outside the second unit again. I can see the sheet shrouded body on the table.
Jeannie places her hand on my arm and gives me a reassuring squeeze. "We got the other one, Doc."
"Yeah," I nod. Somehow I don't think that's going to be enough. "I'm gonna go make those calls."
"Sure thing, Doc."
I leave her standing in the hall and head for the doctor's lounge...Six hours ago I was standing at the desk telling Jeannie how quiet it was...
*Hammond*
I just got the call. I don't know what made me come in early this morning but I think fate had a hand in it. It's too early in the day to deal with this. I better get Dr. Frasier, there's nothing she can do that hasn't already been done but the woman is stubborn and she'll never let me forget it if I don't let her know right away.
It's a long walk down gray corridors. Wonder why I never noticed just how depressing a color that is. Finally, the infirmary. I can't explain it but I hesitate at the door. I don't want to be the one to deliver the news. I'm the commander though...the General...it's up to me, it's part of my job. At least it's not completely hopeless...
"Morning, Sir."
I nod in her direction, she's smiling, "Dr. Frasier."
Her smile fades as she gets a good look at my face, "Sir. What brings you down here so early?"
It's time. "Dr. Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
She's good. She kept her demeanor calm as she motioned toward her office. She thinks she can fool me but I saw the concern and worry flash in her eyes. I nod and follow her through the door.
"I'm afraid there has been an accident. Colonel O'Neil and Captain Carter have been injured."
"Oh my God. How badly, Sir? When? Where are they?"
I hold up my hand to stop the rush of questions. I'm trying to calm myself but the only thing I want to do is run out of here and head for the hospital. "Capt. Carter is going to be fine. She had a bump on the head and a broken arm. She's still at the hospital. They're planning on releasing her tomorrow if there aren't any complications."
I can see it in her eyes. She knows I'm stalling.
"And Colonel O'Neil?"
I take a deep breath, "Colonel O'Neil was severely injured. He's in the ICU. We won't know more until we get there."
She stares dumbfounded for a moment then starts rushing around the office gathering her things, "What are we waiting for, Sir? Let's go!"
"Dr. Frasier." She's not listening now. "Janet!"
She goes still and looks up at me impatiently.
"Have you seen Dr. Jackson this morning?"
I can see the wind practically knocked out of her. She looks like she's been punched. "No, Sir..."
"I tried to get a hold of him. He's not in his office and he doesn't answer his home phone. I think he might be on his way in." I can tell she's connecting the dots.
"Someone ought to be here to tell him, Sir." I nod, she nods. "You go ahead, we'll be on our way as soon as he gets here."
It's an awkward moment. Neither of us knowing what to say. Two stars on your shoulder never prepares you to give someone bad news.
"Go on, Sir. And Sir?"
I turn. She's shifting from one foot to another and her hands are fidgeting with the objects on her desk. She notices that I notice and she stops, putting her hand in the low pockets of her lab coat.
"You should take Teal'c with you."
*Teal'c*
General Hammond is talking to the man, Doctor Richards. He is not like Daniel Jackson but like Doctor Frasier. I do not understand everything this Doctor Richards is saying. He has said that both Colonel O'Neil and Captain Carter are injured, yet he will not tell us where they are.
"General Hammond."
"Yes, Teal'c"
"Why will this man not let us see Col. O'Neil or Capt. Carter? Are they prisoners here?" I glare at the man and though I do not show it, I am pleased when he takes a step back and swallows nervously.
"No, Teal'c, they're not prisoners. The doctor will let us see them as soon as we can."
General Hammond turns back to the man. The accident that injured my teammates occurred in the late hours of the previous night. It is six AM now. I hear the man tell him that as soon as everything is set up they will let us in for a short visit.
I study the area around me while I listen to the conversation of General Hammond. there are many people here. It is a much larger version of Doctor Frasier's infirmary. We are in the ER. General Hammond has said something that worries me...
"Colonel O'Neil doesn't have a brother."
"Oh, the third victim didn't have any ID and the EMTs on the scene said they thought he was the man's brother."
"You never mentioned a third!"
I could see that General Hammond was thinking the same thing I was, "General Hammond, Daniel Jackson was with Colonel O'Neil and Capt. Carter when they left me at the base last night."
I could see the anger rising in General Hammond's face. "Where is he? What's his condition?"
Doctor Richards backed up at the anger before he answered. In a low voice he says, "The...He didn't make it."
"Oh God."
"Maybe this was not Daniel Jackson..."
General Hammond nods and holds up his hand to me before speaking to the man again, "Can we see the...Can we see the body."
*Dr. Richards*
This is a close group. I've dealt with the military before and I've never seen these types of reactions. It's like they're family. We may have been wrong when we thought the two were brothers, but we weren't that far off...
The younger one hasn't been moved from the trauma unit yet. It's been a little over an hour since the battle was lost here. I hate to take them into the room. Doesn't matter. Here or the morgue, it won't change the fact.
I sigh. Thank goodness for small favors, someone has cleaned up the area. No bloody gauze on the floor and the instrument tray has been taken away...Even the bloody white sheet has been replaced with a crisp new one. One of the nurses must have heard the conversation and rushed in here to do this. I send a silent thank you...
They stand on the other side of the gurney as I pull back the sheet. no reaction. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe this isn't Daniel Jackson.
No, this is him. I can see the big man stiffen, his eyes darken with anger. The older man let's out a deep breath before reaching forward and brushing his hand through the long strands of hair. It's such a similar gesture to the one that I made not long before. Similar but different. This is more like a father saying goodbye to a son. I decide to give the men some privacy and motion that I will be just outside the room.
I've dealt with the military before but this group has thrown me for a loop. A dayshift nurse approaches and lets me know that my patient is now set up in the ICU and that the woman has regained consciousness. She turns to walk back to the Nurse's Station. The door to the trauma unit opens and the two men step out as I watch the nurse's retreating back.
The older man thanks me for allowing them the privacy. I clear my throat and give them a moment to compose themselves.
"Do you have a number I can call to contact Mr. Jackson's next of kin?"
The man straightens his shoulders and lets out a deep breath, "Dr. Jackson has no living relatives. Colonel O'Neil is listed as his next of kin."
//Doctor?// I open my mouth to ask but the man standing behind the General speaks before I have the chance...
"I wish to see Captain Carter and Colonel O'Neil."
His tone leaves no room for argument and I lead them toward the elevators...
I take them to see the woman first. I think it will be easier on them if they see her first. Before entering the room the General asks if he can use a phone. I gesture to the station down the hall as I walk with him. The big man, Teal'c, takes up position at the door. I can't help but to think that he looks like he's guarding it.
I arch an eyebrow when I here the General ask for a Doctor Frasier. I wonder who he is. It would be just like the military to try to come in and take over. I feel a little guilty when I listen to the one sided conversation. I can hear the grief in the light Texas drawl as he tells the doctor not to wait for Dr. Jackson. He doesn't say that the young man was killed, only that he's already here. I realize now that they must have been trying to find him, to tell him about the accident.
The call doesn't take long and we enter the woman's room. She is sitting up and looking decidedly worried. As soon as she sees the men she sits up straighter. "Sir! Jack and Daniel? They won't tell me anything sir! Are they alright?!"
Teal'c remains as impassive as he did in the trauma room downstairs and if I hadn't seen the look in his eyes I would swear he had no emotions. The General steps forward and takes the woman's hand. I think she knows what he's going to say or at least part of it.
Tears fall from her eyes and she shakes her head back and forth, "No! No..."
"Sam...I'm sorry. Daniel didn't make it..."
Sam tries to snatch her hand away but the General holds fast. She's still shaking her head and I can hear her voice tremble, "Daniel..." Her breath catches, "Jack?"
With a glance back at me he rubs her hand, "Jack's in pretty rough shape but he's going to be all right."
I would have protested but a look from Teal'c stopped me. I look back at Sam and realize that she's nodding now. Once again I'm struck at how close this group is.
"When are they going to let me out of here sir? I'm fine. I want to see the Colonel. Does...does he know about...about Daniel...?"
This time I do cut in, "Colonel O'Neil hasn't regained consciousness yet. As for you, young lady, if nothing arises between now and this evening, you can go home tomorrow morning." I did notice the glare at the 'young lady' bit and I have to remind myself that this young woman is a captain in the military. "Right now gentlemen, I think Capt. Carter could do with some rest."
THREE DAYS LATER...
*Hammond*
The last few days have been understandably difficult. All the arrangements have been made and the funeral is scheduled for tomorrow. I've also assigned an officer to go through and pack Daniel's things. By the book this time.
This time...Last time, after that Oannes incident, I'd ordered the rest of SG1 to clean out his apartment. That of course was completely against regulations. The guidelines for something like this are clearly laid out. The person has to be of a commissioned officer who has had little or no contact with the deceased. It was hard to find someone who fit that description. The SGC is actually a pretty small command. But last time, I'd been very concerned about Jack O'Neil's state of mind and his plans to retire.
Jack O'Neil. Now that was cause for worry. The doctors suggested that he not be told about Daniel's death until he's recovered enough that his health would not be put in jeopardy by the announcement. I've agreed. So far it hasn't been an issue. Although he has regained consciousness, it's only been for a few minutes at a time and even then he hasn't been aware enough to understand what has happened.
Captain Carter, yet another cause for worry. Dr. Frasier wanted me to pull her from the duty roster. We had a long 'discussion' on the matter which ended in my pulling rank to keep her on duty. I may not be a doctor but I think I know my officers well enough to know that what Sam needs now is to keep busy, throw herself into work. After all this is over, after the funeral and after Jack is back on his feet, then is the time she'll have a good enough perspective to take care of herself...even if I have to order her on stand down for that to happen.
The only wrench in my gears right now is Teal'c. The man is a warrior, trained in the service of Apophis who jumped sides to join SG1, which he has come to accept as his family. It doesn't take a doctor to see that the death of Daniel Jackson has shaken the man to the core. It's no secret that he's always felt a deep responsibility for the welfare of Jackson. I'm sure that has a lot more to do with Jackson's wife being used as a host than I have ever read in my reports. As it is, he is not a hard man to find these days, just look for Sam Carter and he won't be far away. It's as though he has taken it as his personal mission to ensure her well being in lieu of Daniel's death. I'm hoping he can work through this in his own way because I have no idea in hell what to do if he can't.
Of course the rest of SG1 is not my only concern these days. Dr. Jackson was a very well liked young man. He always had a boundless supply of passion for his work and a more than abundant supply of energy to go with it. I don't think he ever realized just how highly thought of he was around here. His death has come as a shock to everyone who knew him and combined with the uncertain fate of Colonel O'Neil, who has almost become a folk hero in the SGC, the morale on base has hit an all time low.
I'm hoping the funeral tomorrow will allow everyone a chance to get it all out in the open and move past this tragedy. But damn I liked that boy...
*Sam*
It's raining and there are a lot more people here than I expected to show up. Daniel would have been surprised at that. I don't think he ever realized how much he meant to everyone who knew him. He always seemed to keep himself aloof from everyone around him. Everyone but the team that is and a few others...Janet and Cassandra, General Hammond, Catherine and Earnest.
I know Janet has been worried about me lately. I want to tell her that I'm ok but I would be lying. If it were up to her, I know she would pull me from duty and it would probably be justified. I know that General Hammond went to bat for me on that issue and for that I'm grateful. I think he understands that I just can't let myself deal with all that has happened right now. Later, when Jack is better...
Oh God...Jack. He doesn't even know yet. I don't know how he's going to take the news but I can imagine that it's not going to be a pretty sight. He's never said it and I'm certainly not going to be the one to bring it up but I've always thought that Jack saw Daniel as a way to make up for what happened to Charlie.
Daniel had such a childlike wonder about him that you couldn't help but want to protect him. I had never met anyone with so much passion before. I remember when I came on board this project. I had read about the man who had deciphered the stargate. At the time I hadn't thought too highly of him, thinking he had just been trying to advance himself by taking credit for two years of work that somebody else did. That was before I had met Catherine.
She told me of the incredible young man who had come in and in two weeks managed to do what a hand picked team of scientists hadn't managed to do in two years of research, that if not for him the SGC would not exist. She also told me about his love of coffee and chocolate and his sense of humor and his passion...When I finally did step through the gate and meet him I felt like I already knew him.
I know it's not fair to Daniel, but I've tried not to think about what's happened. I don't want to think that I'll never see him again or hear him laugh or have to pull him out of the lab to rest...So I threw myself into work and I didn't protest when General Hammond had his apartment cleaned out and I didn't say anything when they cleaned out his locker and his office. All carefully packed away in boxes, stored in one of the storage bays deep within SGC, waiting. Waiting for what?!
Waiting for Jack to wake up. And then someone is going to have to tell him that his best friend died in the car he was driving. It wasn't Jack's fault but he'll see it that way. He'll blame himself for Daniel's death and where will that leave the rest of us. Last time he was going to retire. What happens this time? Daniel isn't coming back this time.
Oh God! He isn't coming back! I can't think about this right now...That's rich Sam...You're at his funeral, he's really gone this time. That's his casket. He's really in there. Get a grip Sam...Keep it together...Just one more day, one more week, just until Jack's better, then you can let it go...
Catherine stepped forward to place a rose on his casket, she's crying and I wonder what's wrong with me. I look around and I see that people are leaving. I've missed the service. Teal'c is standing beside me. I wonder what he's been thinking about during all this. I haven't even talked to him about what happened. He hasn't asked but I should have talked to him about it. I could lie and say I've been busy, that I haven't had the opportunity, but that would be unfair to him and to Daniel.
He's been...guarding me. I remember Daniel telling me that Teal'c seemed to always be around, like he was guarding him, maybe out of some sort of guilt complex that he had over what happened to Sha're. I think that Teal'c blames himself in some way for Daniel. He is of course the least likely to be held responsible. He wasn't even there! Maybe that's it. Maybe he thinks he could have stopped it if he'd been there. In any case he's been watching me like a hawk, maybe he thinks I'm going to break. Maybe he's right, but not just yet...
*Janet*
It's been two weeks. Everything's crazy. I still can't believe what's happened. I still can't believe Daniel's gone. This can't go on much longer. It's been a long two weeks.
Jack woke up. Really woke up. It was the last place I wanted to be but it was where I was needed most. Over the last weeks I've come to realize that this moment was going to be more difficult than I ever could have possibly imagined. Every time he drifted to the surface he asked the same thing. His voice was too weak to make out the words but we knew what he meant..."Sam and Daniel?"
Once he started to heal a bit he became a little more lucid during the periods he drifted to the surface of awareness. Not by much but enough to know that Sam was there with him. Then he just asked for Daniel...It was a hard thing to do. It's hard to lie to a man and tell him that 'everything's going to be all right' when you know that it isn't. It's even harder when the man is a friend.
Today it was just General Hammond and myself. I've been in and out of this room for the past two weeks and I never noticed how small it was until this moment. He knows something is up. He knows something's not right.
"Sir."
"Colonel."
He's just staring at Hammond. I can practically see the gears working, putting together the expression on the general's face, the fact that Sam's been to visit but Daniel hasn't, that I'm here...
"Jack, I have some very bad news."
"It's Daniel, isn't it?" His eyes are darting back and forth between the general and myself, "How bad is it? Is he going to be ok?"
I step forward and take his hand. He's shaking his head and looking at me like I've gone mad. He shifts his attention back to Hammond, "Is he going to be all right?!"
"Jack..." I've still got his hand clasped between mine.
"Son, he didn't make it."
The pressure on my hand is so tight I think it might break but I don't say anything, it's the only reaction he's given. His expression hasn't changed. "How...how..."
He doesn't have to finish, Hammond knows. "It's been two weeks, Colonel. You've been out for a while."
His hand is still griping mine as he nods, "Thank you, Sir."
Hammond knows and I know that he won't let it out in front of his commanding officer. That's why it had to be me. He won't let it out in front of Sam or Teal'c either. I give the general a slight nod and he pats Jack on the shoulder before turning to leave.
"Janet, tell me this isn't happening. Tell me this isn't true."
I sit on the bed. My hand is still being gripped tightly, though not as tightly as before. I take my other hand and brush the short hair above his ear. He closes his eyes and I see a tear roll from the corner. I brush his hair back again and suddenly find myself with a lap full of Jack O'Neil.
It's an odd relationship we've developed. It all started over a common interest. The same common interest that all this grief is for. Daniel.
Jack's got his arms around me and he's sobbing into my shoulder. Jack's a proud man. I'm glad I'm here. If it were anyone else he would have tried to hold it all inside. I guess he feels safe with me because I'm no threat or maybe it was all those might sitting up together watching over Daniel. Whatever the reason, I wish there was more I could do, something I could say, to take away this pain. I settle for rubbing comforting circles on his back and rock him back and forth. It suddenly strikes me that I've seen him do this very same thing...with Daniel.
I can't break down now. This time is for Jack. I use the hand that's around his shoulders to wipe away my tears. Jack's not making any noise. I glance around and look at the clock. I hadn't even realized how long we've been sitting like this. I check again and find that Jack's asleep. Slowly I ease him down and slip off the bed.
I cross the room and turn down the lights before returning to sit in the chair beside his bed.
*Sam*
I am not equipped to handle this. It's been two months since the accident and I feel like I'm going crazy. Between walking on eggshells around the Colonel and trying to avoid Janet's well meaning but not helping attempts to comfort me, coupled with the dreams that won't seem to go away...I just don't know how much longer I can handle this.
Teal'c is still following me around like some kind of guard dog and it seems that no matter what I say that won't be changing anytime soon. How did Daniel do it?! I know he's trying to ease some sense of guilt...or something... with his actions but it's really starting to get to me.
And Colonel O'Neil! I just don't know what to say to the man. He walks around like nothing's happened except that he's completely lost his sense of humor. Under the circumstances I completely understand that, I'm not feeling too funny myself these days. Oh, that and even the mention of Daniel's name is taboo. I wonder if this is what he was like after Charlie...
Catherine says to give it time. She's been a Godsend these last weeks. She's been the only one that I could turn to and still talk about Daniel without feeling like I was either breaking some unwritten rule of sanctity or about to be hauled off to the base shrink. God I really miss him...
*Teal'c*
Humans are very emotional beings. I too have deeply felt the death of Daniel Jackson, yet I cannot comprehend the actions of those around me. Many have approached me to offer condolences on the death of Daniel Jackson. Captain Carter says this is an Earth custom. I am familiar with this custom, we have a similar one on Chulak. I did not tell her that my confusion lie in the amount of concern paid me despite my dishonor at not being able to protect Daniel Jackson.
On Chulak it is customary to remember a fallen warrior by placing his name in the Great Hall to be honored for all time. Daniel Jackson was not a warrior in the customary sense but I have come to realize that he was just as brave as any warrior and deserves as much respect.
Many people attended the funeral of Daniel Jackson. I was pleased to see that he was so greatly honored by these people. I think he would have been surprised.
Captain Carter is not pleased. She has told me she does not need a 'babysitter'. Daniel Jackson once explained this concept to me. I do not know how best to explain my concern is for Captain Carter's health rather than for her physical security. She is much like Daniel Jackson. I fear that if left alone she would not receive the proper rest or nourishment. There were many times when Daniel Jackson needed the same reminder.
I find Colonel O'Neil's behavior disturbing. He and Daniel Jackson were very close yet he has not once mentioned the name of Daniel Jackson. I overheard General Hammond and Doctor Frasier heatedly discussing O’Neil’s mental state. They both seem to agree that Colonel O’Neil is not as ‘all right’ as he appears to be. Even Captain Carter has expressed her discomfort at O’Neil’s behavior lately. She says she feels like she is ‘walking on eggshells’. I am not familiar with this human phrase but I feel that I know what she meant.
Neither Captain Carter nor O’Neil were pleased when General Hammond assigned SG1 a new linguist. I find that I am not pleased by the replacement of Daniel Jackson either. She is a great deal like Daniel Jackson, full of energy and very curious yet more cautious. She does not talk as much as Daniel Jackson. It surprised me to realize that I had become accustomed to his constant chatter. It will take time to adjust to the silence.
I have finished the book Daniel Jackson loaned me. It is about human customs. I do not know who I should give it to now that he is not here. I think that O’Neil would be angered if I brought up Daniel Jackson and I do not wish to upset Captain Carter. I will keep the book to remind me of my lost friend. I find it’s presence strangely comforting.
Amber Smith
I can't believe I did that! I actually yelled at him! Well, what the hell did he expect? I'm a member of this team now and he just better get used to it.
You think someone would have told me 'before' I accepted the assignment. It's not like they didn't have ample opportunity! I still remember the exact words General Hammond used...
"Doctor Smith, it’s nice to see you again. How are things?"
"Oh, well it's a lot different from what I'm use to but I'm getting settled in." I hadn't ever worked for the military before and I found the stout balding man in front of me very intimidating. I really wasn't sure why he had requested to see me now, or why I had been requested for this project at all.
"That's good. Glad to hear it." He had a slight Texan accent.
"Sir, um, can I do something for you?" I gestured to the door and he understood that I wanted to know why I was here...
"Please, have a seat." He motioned to the chair in front of his desk. As we sat he took a deep breath before continuing, "Dr. Smith, you've been briefed on what we do here at the SGC, is that correct?"
"Ah, yes Sir..." I wasn’t sure where this was going. Had they decided they didn't need a linguist with a background in ancient cultures after all?
"Good...good." He was nodding again and appeared to be deciding on just what to say, choosing his words carefully. "It seems that between the time of your initial contact and your arrival here our needs have changed."
"Are you telling me that you don’t need anyone with my qualifications anymore, General?" //I knew it! Damnit! I threw away an offer at a teaching position to take this job!//
"On the contrary, Dr. Smith...Instead of the initial position, I would like to offer you a position that’s a little more...hands-on."
"Hands-on?" //Hands-on?!//
See! There was an opportunity! He could have told me then! Not to mention the half hour conversation that followed…
"...I do think you should know that you might not be readily welcomed onto the team, Dr Smith. They're a very close nit bunch."
"I can handle that, Sir. Thank you! This sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"I'm glad you decided to take the offer, but I think you should meet them before you thank me. They're a little rough around the edges right now..."
//Rough around the edges! Now that had to be the understatement of the millennium...// Who knows, I might have played it differently if someone had told me!
Over the next two weeks, I found that people were rather friendly. Well, friendly unless I told them just what I was going to be doing...You think someone would have let me in on the big secret then. Like I said, plenty of opportunity. Unfortunately it all came to the forefront two weeks and three missions later.
We were pushing our way through the thick underbrush of P3X-something-something-something when I tripped over a large stone obelisk that had fallen and been buried under years of decay. Eyeing the cause of my most recent embarrassing episode of clumsiness I started to brush away the dirt to see if I could identify its writing.
"Dr. Smith, do you think you could manage to keep up with the rest of the team?! There will be plenty of time to look for rocks once we set up camp."
After two weeks of the cold shoulder routine, not to mention my new CO's rude comments regarding my profession or the way everyone back at base started whispering every time I stepped into a room right before they fled like I had the plague and my "team's" general animosity towards me...I just snapped...
"With all due respect! Just who the HELL do you think you are?! For the last two weeks I have done nothing but take your orders and listen to you berate not only me but my job! I'm sorry I'm not Doctor Jackson! I don't know why you're so damned pissed off at ME, but I know I didn't do a damn thing to deserve it! If he's so f------ perfect maybe you should ask him to come back!"
"Daniel's dead!"
//Oh God!// I thought he quit or moved or...I didn’t know he...//I didn't know! Why the hell didn't someone tell me?! Oh God...// My head snapped up to meet eyes black with rage. I stumbled back a step.
"I didn't know..."" My voice was barely a whisper, "I'm sorry."
...Ok, not the best way to start a mission. It took us three days to complete our survey and during that time Colonel O'Neil didn't say another word to me. He didn't even look at me. On the plus side, Captain Carter, Sam, seemed more at ease around me. She was friendlier, even starting conversation occasionally. She told me about the accident and I how close Colonel O'Neil and Dr. Jackson had been.
I felt so horrible. I still feel horrible! I didn't know, but still...Have you ever just wanted the earth to swallow you up? I figure I might as well start packing because it's a small base and there's not a hole deep enough anywhere that would let me avoid him forever...
*Jack*
"Can I help you, Sir?"
Startled, I turned and just for a second I thought it was him. It wasn't of course. It never would be, never again. "Sorry, I didn't hear the door."
He's just standing there. He's wondering what I'm doing here. So am I. I don't know why I came down here. //Because you can't sleep and when you do you wake up sweating from nightmares that will never go away...// This kid doesn't look anything like Daniel. He's too tall and his hair's too dark and it's too short. Arrogant too. I can see it in the way he holds himself. Daniel didn't even know what arrogance was..."What's your name Airman?"
"Andrews. Daniel Andrews."
"Daniel..." I said it under my breath but he heard me anyway.
"Yes, Sir...?"
I shook my head. This kid must think I'm crazy. Hell I think I'm crazy...I keep hearing his voice, sometimes I turn a corner and expect him to be there..."I just wanted to look around. How long have you been assigned here?"
"I just got in last month, Sir. They needed someone with a degree in Archaeology. It was a hobby, got the degree by accident. Took too many classes for the fun of it..." He smiled sheepishly, "Never thought I'd actually use it."
He sounds just like Daniel does...did...just like Daniel did, right before he hauled into one of his lectures. "I'm sure you'll enjoy your assignment here then."
"Thank you, Sir." The office lapsed into silence. I glanced back at Amn. Andrews when he cleared his throat, "I'll...I'll just leave you alone then..."
I watched him close the door as he stepped back into the hall. I'm sure I'll hear the rumors flying tomorrow. Wonder what they will come up with? Whatever it is, I'm sure once Janet hears about it I'll be having another meeting with Dr. Saborin. //Damn shrinks.//
Hell, as though I'm not going to be seeing Saborin anyway. Not with what happened on the last mission...I tried to stay detached. I guess it was working because I didn't even realize how much we were pulling apart. Danny really was the glue. He probably never even knew it but he was what kept us together.
I was doing fine, staying detached. //Liar.// Ok, so maybe I wasn't fine, maybe not even close to fine but I was dealing with it. //Liar.// Doesn't matter. Just who the hell does she think she is anyway? She doesn't know me. She wasn't there. She didn't know Danny. She didn't listen as he fought for ever breath, trying to breathe past the blood in his lungs. She didn't hear him call out her name as he tried to fight past the pain. She didn't hear him scream as they cut away the metal cage crushing him. She didn't answer the whispered plea with a promise as he lost consciousness...
I look around the office. It's the same but completely different. It is still filled with the same artifacts collected from a dozen different worlds, but now they are all neatly tagged, cataloged, and shelved in their proper places. It all looks painfully organized. No maps piled on the desk or books stacked on the floor. The chair across from the desk is clutter free for anyone who wants to sit down. I smile as I remember how Daniel always jumped up to shift things around so I could sit there.
I don't know why I came down here. I guess I thought it would make it less real. Almost three months and I still can't believe he's really gone. //Goddamnit! Why him?...why not me?//
No one talks about what happened. No one's pointing the finger but me. I don't care how many times Janet says it, I know what happened. I was there. I was behind the wheel and now Danny's dead.
Everyone thought I would retire. No one said anything but I know they thought I would. I almost did last time, after that whole thing with Nem. Hell if "I'm" going to tell them why I'm not, I'd have a permanently scheduled time slot with the shrink. I can't retire. I have to find Sha're. I made a promise.
I know I have to let him go. //Just like Charlie...// I can't keep going like this. He would be the first person to tell me to get on with life...//"I don't want to die and I don't think your men want to die. It's a shame you're in such a hurry to..."//
I have to let him go. If not for me, for my team. I'm not so far gone that I haven't noticed the way Sam acts around me. It's like she's afraid I'm going to snap at any moment. She hasn't said anything about what happened. I don't think she remembers anything before the rescue crew lifted her out of the wreckage. She took a pretty bad knock on the head. Even if she did, at least I know she wasn't there when Daniel...They took her out first, she was the easiest to get to, being in the back seat...
...I don't know why I'm down here. There's nothing left here to remind me of Daniel. He's really not coming back. It's time I started taking care of my team, while we're still a team. He would have wanted that. So do I, they're all I have left, they're my family.
*Sam*
//Hammond? No. Janet? No. Teal'c? Definitely no...Well, someone has to talk to him// Sam's brow furrowed as she stared blankly at the computer screen. Realizing that she had been biting her nails again she angrily thrust her hand away from her mouth. She let out a heavy sigh and glared down at her ruined nails.
//Ok Sam, you have to go up to him and just tell him he needs to get a grip!// She frowned, "Oh yeah, that's sensitive..."
Sam glanced around the room to make sure that no one had heard her talking to herself. That would be the last thing she needed. After the funeral, Janet had seemed to focus most of her attention onto Jack, which was a great relief to Sam. Of course that didn't mean that she hadn't been prodded to see the base shrink every time she showed any signs of stress or...//Hell! Of course I'm upset! I watched someone who was like a little brother to me bleed to death!//
She squeezed her eyes shut at that thought, trying to block out the images of what happened. Her recollections were shadowy and jumbled. There was no sense of a time order to them. Just flashes really. Headlights, Daniel screaming as the semi struck his side of the car, Jack grunting as he tried to get some control of the car, then darkness. She remembered hearing voices, Jack's voice and Daniel's? Then the rescue workers telling her they were going to lift her out now...She remembered seeing all the blood as they lifted her, it was everywhere. Faces blurred and she caught flashes of people swarming around the area. Everything was tinged blue and then red...
//Police lights...//
Sam angrily pushed herself away from the desk, standing uncertainly. Shaking her head she grabbed her jacket and burst out of the office, almost knocking an entering Airman over. She stalked down the corridor and entered the elevator punching the button that would take her to the surface.
Pacing the small confines, she caught a reflection of her face on the shiny metal surface of the elevator wall. Caught by the haggard appearance she stared back at the reflection...Making a decision, she pushed a button and the elevator screeched to a halt. She reached out and pushed another button.
Sam hesitantly knocked on the door. //Nobody home. Well, I tried…// Shaking her head in disapproval at her own thoughts she reached her hand up to knock loudly on the door. //Where can he be?//
She spun around and pressed her back against the door. As she stood there trying to think of all the possible places where a Colonel with a less than warm and pleasant disposition as of late could go, she realized just how far apart SG1 had drifted. Before, she would have known exactly where to go to find her CO. //’Before’ you wouldn’t have any reason to go looking…//
Sam concentrated on the events of the last mission. //Ok, he was upset…// she grimaced and muttered under her breath, "Well, that’s being polite…Now, where would you go…?" //Daniel! Before, if he was upset he’d go to see Daniel! In this case…//
She pushed herself off from the door and quickly walked back towards the elevator. It took all her will not to break into a run…
She burst into the office, Daniel’s office…She glanced around the room that had once been so familiar to her and felt lost. Nothing was were it should be… //Daniel’s going to be ticked…// She caught herself before she could complete the thought. It’s odd how even after three months she still thought of Daniel in the present tense before she reminded herself that he was gone.
She hadn’t been down here since the accident. She felt a pang of guilt, she hadn’t even come when they packed up his things. She knew they had boxed up his office as well as his apartment but she hadn’t really thought that it would look so different. She just hadn’t thought about it…
A cough alerted her to another presence in the room. Turning she saw an airman staring at her. //Probably wondering who this crazy woman is…// "Airman, is anyone else down here?"
"Uh…No, Ma’am."
Her shoulder’s slumped. She had been sure this is where he would have gone. //What now?// "Thank you, Airman..?"
"Andrews, Ma’am."
"Thank you, Amn. Andrews."
She took one last look around the office, remembering all the times that she had come down here to drag Daniel away, to make him get some rest or eat something, to just talk with a friend over coffee. //He’s not here. He’s really gone// She pulled the door open…
"Ma’am?"
"Yes?"
"I don’t know if it’s important, but there was someone down here earlier…"
"When?"
"Uh, it’s been a while, maybe three hours ago…?"
"Do you know who it was, Amn.?
"Yes, Ma’am. It was Colonel O’Neil."
Sam noticed that he nervously shifted from one foot to the other. //Poor guy must think everyone around here is nuts//
"He said he just wanted to look around, then he left."
"That’s ok. Do you know which way he was headed?"
"No, I…Oh wait, he went down. I don’t know where though."
Sam thought about that for a moment. //Teal’c// "Thank you, that’s all I needed."
She gave him a brief smile before pushing her way out the door and heading back the way she had come. Entering the elevator, she punched the button that would take her to Teal’c. //Wonder if you get frequent flyer miles for elevators…//
*Amber Smith*
//Geez, it's dark down here// I turn the flashlight so that I can see the number of the room I'm passing...Still not the one I'm looking for.
I never realized just how much room there was down here. I'm on the bottom level of the SGC complex. I don't know what it was originally used for, but it's used for storage now. I know I really shouldn't be down here...
It's not 'off limits' or anything. I won't get in trouble for being here...Well, not 'officially' anyway. If Jack O'Neil knew I was down here, 'why' I'm down here, I'm sure he would have a few choice words for me. I don't blame him but I won't let that stop me. I just have to know...
Sam, Capt. Carter, lightened up quite a bit after what happened on the last mission. //Man that feels like so long ago! It's only been seven...no, eight hours now.// I'm sure she would have some 'choice words' too if she knew what I was doing.
I can't help it! Now that I know 'why' everyone has been acting the way they have been, and now that I know a 'little' bit about the man that I replaced...I just want to know more. I need to know more.
Sam told me about the accident and about how close he was to the rest of the team but she didn't tell me anything about 'him'. I have to know...
His things, um, his personal effects, are down here somewhere. It took me a while but I managed to find the paperwork authorizing them to be stored down here. I also noted that it said 'until they could be turned over to his next of kin'. That was listed as Colonel O'Neil. //Wonder why they're still down here...?//
I pass my light over the next door...//Got it!//
Everything is on secondary power down here. So while the lights in the hallways don't exactly work I know that there ought to be a switch in the room somewhere that will...I push the door open and it makes a creaking sound. Kind of eerie in the dark silence and I'm half tempted to just forget about my quest and high-tail it out of here. Instead, I step into the room and quickly search out the light switch.
"Well, that...didn't help. Much." I shake my head when I realize that I was talking to myself and quickly told myself to be quiet. Not that there was anyone down here to complain...//Great! Now I'm arguing with myself...//
I take a deep breath and then glance around the dimly lit room. There's only one light suspended from the ceiling and sitting directly under it are several boxes. The light casts a yellowing film over everything and doesn't quiet reach the outer edges of the room. It's still pretty creepy down here but with my treasure in sight, there's no turning back now.
I walk up to the pile of boxes and turn my flashlight so that I can better read the labels. I don't even bother with the ones marked 'kitchen' or 'clothing'. I'm quickly drawn to the small file box labeled 'photographs'...
I pull it a few feet away from the others and quickly kneel on the dusty floor to lift the lid. It's full of pictures, some in frames others loosely thrown into the mix. I take a few out...I recognize some of the faces. General Hammond, Dr. Frasier, Colonel O'Neil and the rest of SG1 standing with a man I don't recognize. //That must be him. Geez, he looks so young!// I dig through the box and discover several candid shots. //He seems so happy...They all do...// There's one that keeps drawing me back.
It's a candid shot of the entire team. Colonel O'Neil has his arm draped around Dr. Jackson and Sam and Teal'c are on either side of them. They are all smiling, even Teal'c. Looks like it might have been taken at a barbecue...
"Find what you're looking for?"
The voice out of nowhere startles me and I jump up and sweep my light around the dark room. A hand on my shoulder makes me jump and I drop the picture I had been clutching...
*Teal'c*
I feel that it is time to speak with O'Neil. I am reluctant to breach the subject of Daniel Jackson but I feel that it must be done. He has not accepted what has happened and he cannot continue in this manner. I fear that he will make himself ill or that he will be injured while his mind is occupied with troubling thoughts of what he cannot change. I will not allow that to happen.
Captain Carter seems to have adjusted to the change more than I or O'Neil. It was Captain Carter who told Dr. Smith of the tragedy of Daniel Jackson. I believe that had O'Neil or I not been present she would have told her much more about him.
I am glad that Captain Carter has welcomed Dr. Smith into our team. I feel ashamed that I have not done so until now. I know that Daniel Jackson would have been disappointed in all of us that we had treated her as an outsider for so long. I know this to be true because I know that he welcomed me even after I chose his wife to become a host to the Goa'uld. He would never wish animosity towards another.
I have placed Daniel Jackson's book in a special place. I keep it close during my daily meditations. I believe it has helped me seek peace and to understand what thoughts my friend would have offered if he were still among us. I believe I would like to share this experience with O'Neil. Perhaps it would be of benefit to him...
I quickly cross to the door, my decision made.
*Sam*
//Isn't this ironic? The one time he's not standing around like a watchdog and I'm searching him out!// I shake my head as I quickly make my way down the corridor. Teal'c's quarters are just ahead.
//I hope he's here...Where else would he go...?//
Stopping in front of my destination, I raise my hand to knock when the door swings open.
"Captain Carter?"
"Teal'c!"
I can't see Jack in the room behind him and I know before I ask that he's not here, "Teal'c, have you seen Jack?"
"No. Are you seeking Colonel O'Neil also? Perhaps it would be better if we searched together."
I can feel my eyebrow raise at that one. //Too? Wonder why Teal'c is looking for him...// "Sure, Teal'c, that would be great."
He nods at me and we just stand there looking dumbly at each other for a moment. "Ahh, well, do you have any ideas where he might be? I've already tried his quarters and Daniel's office."
"Daniel Jackson's quarters?"
"Been there, done that."
"Perhaps he wished to check on Daniel Jackson's belongings..."
My head snapped up at that one, "Of course! He went to Daniel's office but Daniel's not there anymore and all his stuff's been packed up and...do you know where it's been moved?"
"I do."
I shake my head impatiently and I know that I am not instilling any confidence in his belief that I am sane, "Well?!"
*Hammond*
I bent down to pick up the photograph. I remember this. It was right after the Oannes incident...
"Doctor Smith."
"Sir."
I could tell she was nervous. Probably thinks she's in some trouble for being down here or for going through Daniel's things. I ought to reprimand her. She shouldn't be going through his personal items. I can't reprimand her though, I understand why she's here. If it were me, if I had been the one to take his place, I might have been caught doing the same thing..."Why are you here, Doctor?"
"I...I just wanted..."
She looks scared now, time to let her off the hook, "It's ok. I understand, but you really shouldn't be here." Besides I really don't think she should be here when...
"What is this?!"
//Too late// I push the photograph into her hands and then step past her to grab the shoulders of a very irate colonel, "Colonel..."
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"Colonel..." I've got a tight grip on his shoulders now. I'm trying to avoid him doing anything regrettable. "Jack..."
His face stills into a look of angry resignation and when I see that he isn't going to try anything rash I let him go. He stretches his shoulders and neck and straightens his jacket before calmly walking over and standing in front of Dr. Smith.
If she looked like she was scared when I caught her down here, now she looks ready to faint. I can imagine what she must be thinking right now and I'm sure that she's right. Like I said before, she really shouldn't be down here.
Jack O'Neil's expression changes as he gets a look at the photograph she is holding. I can't help to notice the tremble in his hand as he reaches for it.
"This was right after Nem...right after the Oannes incident."
"Oannes, sir?"
I hear Jack let out a frustrated sigh. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about anything that involves mentioning Daniel Jackson. I can sympathize, I liked that boy, but even I know that it's not good for him to keep it inside. He's been unnaturally subordinate lately and that in itself is cause for worry when it's Jack O'Neil that you're talking about.
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts and focus on the present situation, I'm surprised to find that it seems to have worked itself out. In fact it seems to have worked the problem at hand better than my original plan of getting Jack to open up by helping him go through Daniel's things.
I quietly slip away as I listen to Dr. Smith ask him about another photograph. I hear quiet laughter as I close the door behind me. Yes, I think maybe this is just what is needed to help him get over this tragedy.
*Janet*
I'm not sure why I'm here. It wasn't five minutes ago that I was standing in the hallway yelling at the General about sending SG1 back out. Well, maybe not exactly yelling, but pretty damn close. Now here I am, standing in the control room waiting.
Waiting for what? I don't know what he expects me to see. I know what I will see. I will watch SG1...I will watch them walk through that door just like I have a hundred times before except this time it will be like watching strangers. They shouldn't be out there. They aren't in any condition to be out there.
I tried to argue General Hammond into seeing reason but he just held up his hand and told me to calm down. Calm down! How can I calm down?! How can he even think that they are ready to go back out there?!
I mean, it's not exactly like they're running on all thrusters here...In fact, after that last mission, they should all be sitting in a room somewhere talking to a shrink! I know, that doesn't sound very professional...shrink, therapist, psychologist...whatever! They shouldn't be out there. Not in the state they were yesterday.
Wow...has it only been a day? It seems like it's been so long...I keep thinking back and remembering how they looked when they came into my infirmary. I just remember looking at their haggard appearances and thinking 'so it's finally hit.' And boy had it...
I couldn't get Jack to even look at me much less tell me what happened. In fact, the only expression I can definitely say I saw him make was the cold glare that he gave Dr. Smith. I know that he didn't like the idea of anyone replacing...Daniel. We all knew it had to happen sooner or later.
Replacing Daniel. I was not looking forward to that either but when I finally met her...Well, I just think it's a shame that she joined the SGC under the circumstances that she did. She's a nice girl. A little young, too eager, a lot like Daniel....I gave her three weeks. Tops.
I was surprised though when even Sam didn't admonish him, Jack I mean, for being so judgmental. Something had happened out there and I knew I had to find out what. Of course I knew I would have to find out the hard way. No, Sam and Jack would not be spilling their innermost turmoils to me.
I understood of course. I am a doctor. They are career military. If there never was a greater barrier than that, that would be enough. It's common belief that if you're military, that you have to be tough. 'Don't let 'em see you break down. If you let 'em see you break down, you're out of here. Kiss your clearance and your career goodbye...' It's not true of course, maybe once but not now. I guess I should count myself lucky that they consider me friend enough to have broken in front of me just after the accident, although I wish to God that I had not been so 'lucky.'
So, now it comes down to my two options. Teal'c or Dr. Smith. I took one look at Teal'c and opted for Smith...Half an hour later, I sat in silence trying to recover from the shock of what had happened out there and wondering how to fix it now. I'm not even sure it can be fixed.
I shake the memories away as I hear the grating of the Embarkation room door opening. There's Jack, Teal'c will be right behind him...I'm watching now, just like I have every other time they have stepped into that room ready to 'gate across the galaxy into who knows what. As I watch from my window I see Sam step through the door followed by someone clumsily trying to adjust their gear. This looks like the SG1 that I know, the one from before, right down to the final member's unsuccessful struggles with the helmet straps. But that's not Daniel...
General Hammond steps up beside me. I turn to continue my earlier tirade but he does that damn 'silence' thing with his hand again and motions back to the view below. Angrily I turn back to the window and...and I am amazed by what I am witnessing.
Sam has stepped over to help the other with their gear. She reaches up and adjusts the chin straps of the helmet before giving the shoulder a gentle squeeze. It's such a familiar sight that I am drawn closer to the glass...Jack gives the others a nod and they respond in kind. He turns, just like he used to before, and gives the General a silent nod.
I snap my head from the scene below to the man beside me and watch as he returns the gesture and then returns my stare. I glance back down at SG1 as they make their way up the ramp toward the shimmering blue event horizon, my hand flat against the glass. At the top of the ramp they pause and I am startled as Jack then Sam then the rest of SG1 all turn in my direction. For one brief moment there is just them and me, no one else, we are all alone and I can see it in their faces...
"They're going to be ok."
Then it is over and they step into the blue and are gone.
"Yes they will be," I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder and then the sound of the door closing.
***THE END***
