by Allegra

Disclaimer: As you probably already know I do not own these characters. Please don’t sue.

Rating: NC-17

Author’s note: This section is being narrated by Joey.

Feedback: I’d love some! :) Good or bad, send it to allegras_world@yahoo.com

--Joey--

I lay in my bed, completely still, with my eyes scrunched tightly shut and listen to them leave. I have no right to be upset or hurt, this is completely clear to me. Still, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. Seeing him with that women, with her wild, blond hair and teeny, tiny dress has pulled all kinds of powerful feelings to the surface...feelings I was so unprepared for. I want to harm her, gouge out her eyes...dig my nails into her face--

“Get a fucking grip,” I command, through gritted teeth.

I wait until the sound of Pacey’s car can no longer be heard before I open my eyes. I’m thankful they’re gone...that they didn’t stick around forcing me to listen to them fuck. I don’t think I could have handled that.

Climbing out of my bed, I tiptoe quietly out of my room even though there’s no one home to worry about waking. Then, without even thinking I go into his room, not bothering to flip on the light, and lay down on his bed. It comforts me to be in this room, on his bed, surrounded by his things. I want to climb under the covers and sleep, but I don’t.

I can’t stop thinking about how stupid I’ve been. I actually believed that we could turn our relationship physical without any consequences. I was so wrong though. I never counted on feeling the kind of connection with him that I did. I actually thought it might be mutual at first--that maybe he felt something too--but now I know it was all in my head.

Tears well up in my eyes and I clench my jaw, refusing to let them escape. I can’t let myself turn into some kind of weepy, pathetic women. I have to pull myself together.

I stand up and smooth over the wrinkles in his bedspread from where I have laid. Then I pad out to the living room, gently closing his door behind me, and curl up on the couch.

Part of me is hoping he’ll come back, telling me that he doesn’t want to spend the night with that blond thing when he could be with me. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I can’t help it. I promise myself I’ll only sit out here for a few minutes--just in case--and then I’ll definitely go back to bed and forget this whole night ever happened...forget I almost told him how I really felt...

~~~*~*~*~~~

Hovering in that place between sleep and total consciousness I’m aware of sound but unable to place it. I know I’m not in my bed but I’m not sure where else I’d be. Slowly I surface, blinking my eyes open as I awaken. I quickly become aware of the stiffness in my neck.

“Shit,” I groan, sitting up carefully.

“Hey,” a voice greets me.

I look up, surprised to find myself in the living room. Pacey’s sitting in the chair across from the couch, watching me.

“Hey,” I wince, rubbing the kink in my neck.

“What did you do, spend the night out here?” he asks.

That’s when I notice the pale light easing in through the curtains. It’s morning. A little after six o’clock according to the clock on the wall. I look at Pacey, still dressed in his clothes from last night and all the memories come flooding back.

“Jo? Why are you out here?” he asks again.

“Um...I was having trouble sleeping and I came out here to watch some TV. I must have fallen asleep...”

He glances at the TV, still hidden behind to the doors of the cabinet that holds it, but says nothing to contradict my story.

“So, how long have you been sitting there watching me?” I ask him, raising my eyebrows.

He smiles, embarrassed. “Not long...I just got home.”

“Must have been some night,” I murmur, just loud enough for him to hear.

He starts to say something but I quickly cut him off.

“I think I need an aspirin,” I announce, standing up and padding into the kitchen.

“I’ll start some coffee,” he offers, following after me.

We move quietly around the kitchen. He starts the coffee and drops a couple pieces of bread in the toaster.

“So, um, do you want to talk?” he asks, pulling two mugs from the cupboard.

I give him a perplexed look as I pour a glass of orange juice and quickly down it along with two aspirins.

“You know, the note you left last night...you said you thought we needed to talk...”

There’s no way I can talk with him now...not after he’s made it clear that there is nothing between us. This was all just one huge mistake that we need to forget.

“That wasn’t really important,” I wave my hand dismissively.

“Are you sure?” he asks, watching me closely. “People don’t usually leave notes unless it’s important...”

“I just had another little panic attack about what we’ll do when Dawson leaves,” I lie. “I was re-thinking the whole new roommate thing...maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

“Oh.” He turns his attention to the coffee maker. “Are you okay now though?”

“Yeah...it was just a momentary lapse...”

He nods his head. “Good.”

He pours a cup of coffee and hands it over to me.

“You know you didn’t have to leave last night,” I tell him, as a tiny flicker of anger that I can’t explain ignites inside me. “You and...what was her name?”

“Sasha--”

“You and Sasha didn’t need to leave on my behalf. I hope I didn’t scare you two off...”

“No, it wasn’t that. You made me realize--”

“Listen Pace,” I interrupt, knowing I won’t be able stomach any discussion about him and Sasha, “you don’t have to explain anything.”

“Jo, I want to explain. I--”

“It’s really not necessary. Just because we fucked a few times doesn’t mean it meant anything...it doesn’t mean you have to explain your dates to me. You don’t owe me anything.”

He looks at me, stunned by the bluntness of my words.

“Jo...” his voice sounds surprisingly hurt. I wasn’t expecting this and I wonder if it’s just my imagination.

“Well, it’s true, isn’t it?”

“I think we do need to talk. Maybe this all means nothing to you--”

“There’s really nothing to talk about,” I interrupt him. I know I’m being unfairly harsh but I don’t care...I just don’t want him to know how much this is hurting me.

“Why are you so angry?” he asks, taking a step closer to me.

“I’m not angry,” I tell him, taking my mug and moving out of the kitchen.

He follows after me. “Where are you going?”

“To have my coffee in peace!” I snap.

“But your not angry?” he laughs bitterly.

“No, I’m not!”

He shakes his head. “Fine...whatever you say...”

I turn around, glaring at him. “Don’t be an asshole.”

“Then don’t act like such a bitch.”

I want to hit him, but instead I turn and stalk off towards my bedroom knowing that we won’t last much longer under the same roof if we don’t work this out.

~~~*~*~*~~~

We make it through the rest of the weekend because of an unspoken truce. We pretend that everything’s okay between us, that the fight never happened, that we never slept together...that nothing’s changed. It’s tense and forced but it’s our attempt at normalcy.

I’m so fucking miserable though, I feel like I’m walking in a fog. I can barely form a coherent sentence. I can’t stop thinking about him--about us. I don’t know how to let him go. No matter how many times I tell myself that it meant nothing, it doesn’t make the feelings go away. I don’t think I’m going to be able to will myself out of this and that scares me.

I’m outside, sitting on the porch steps, waiting for Dawson when he pulls up to the house Sunday evening. I’m so desperate to talk to him that I don’t even give him a chance to get out of the car before I’m opening the passenger side door.

“What’s going on?” Dawson asks as I climb in beside him.

“We’re going to go for a little drive,” I tell him. “I need to talk to you.”

“Jo?”

“Please...”

He lets out a small sigh and starts his car back up. “Where to?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Okay...” He gives me a confused look, but complies. “Then I guess we’ll go left for a scenic drive through the canyon.”

I nod my head and realize suddenly that I haven’t asked him one question about his big weekend with Elysse. “How did everything go?” I quickly inquire.

His face instantly breaks into a huge grin. “I had a great weekend Jo. Everything went exactly as planned. I proposed on the beach at sunset...it was absolutely perfect. I couldn’t have scripted a better scene.”

“And....?”

“And what?”

“Did she say yes?”

“Of course,” he smiles.

“Congratulations.”

He turns, looking at me. “I’m really happy, Jo.”

I smile, feeling genuine happiness for him. “Elysse’s a lucky girl, you’re quite the catch.”

“Thanks,” he chuckles and then falls silent, remembering where he is. “So, are you going to tell me why we’re driving around like this or what?”

I pause, debating what and how much I should tell him. Then, to both of our surprise, I blurt out, “I think I’m in love with Pacey.”

“What?” Dawson cries, pulling the car off to the side of the road and turning to me. “Are you joking?”

I shake my head.

“You think you’re in love with Pacey...Witter?”

I nod my head.

“When...when did this happen?”

“We’ve been kind of...well, becoming closer lately,” I tell him, deciding against going into any detail about our activities but I can tell from the look in his eyes that he gets the idea. “I don’t know exactly how it happened...”

“I don’t know what to say...” he shakes his head, surprised. “What about Connor? Is that over with?”

Sighing, I look down. “He loves me, I know that. He’s good to me, he cares about me...but all I can think about when we’re together is Pacey.”

“Connor may love you and care about you but how do you feel about him?”

“I don’t know...” I close my eyes. “It’s not that I don’t love him exactly...it’s just that I don’t love him the way I should. Maybe I did at one time, but not anymore...”

“Why are you still with him then?” Dawson asks.

“Because...”

“Because you’re scared?” He raises his eyebrows, holding my gaze. “If he’s out of the picture you have to really deal with Pacey...without anything to hide behind.”

“I don’t think Pacey’s really interested in a relationship with me...” I say looking away.

“Have you guys talked about it?”

“No...not really,” I trail off, embarrassed. “Even if he was interested I don’t know if it’s such a good idea. Turning a friend into a lover isn’t really a smart move...it didn’t work out between us...”

“Well, we were pretty young,” Dawson points out, looking over at me, “and maybe we just weren’t meant to make that kind of transition, maybe we were only meant to be friends...I don’t think that’s always the case though...”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You and Pacey have always had a very different kind of relationship then you and I have. I really shouldn’t be surprised by the idea of you guys together...there’s always been something there between you two...”

“You think?” I ask, biting my lip to keep from smiling.

“Yeah, I do,” he nods. “But if you really want a chance at turning this thing between you and Pacey into something real, you’re going to have to put out an effort. End things with Connor and tell Pacey how you really feel...just be completely honest with him. That’s the only way it can work.”

“I don’t know if I can.” I feel tears forming in my eyes. “I’m not that brave...”

“Yes you are,” he tells me. “You just have to decide what you want and then go for it...don’t wait until it’s too late.”

Leaning across the front seat, I hug him tightly. “Thanks Dawson.”

“Anytime Jo,” he tells me. Then shaking his head, adds, “How is it that I’m always the last to know?”

“I love you Dawson,” I tell him gently, “but you really are one of the most oblivious people I know.”

He rolls his eyes, smiling slightly, and starts up the car. “Can we go home now?”

I smile and nod my head. I suddenly have a lot to think about...

To be continued...