Here Comes The Brood
Written by
Diane Wilk
SECOND DRAFT
July 19, 1993
Episode 1.5
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – DAY
(GRACIE PLAYS WITH HER BARBIE DOLLS WHICH ARE SEATED IN A CIRCLE ON THE COFFEE TABLE. FRAN ENTERS AND IS DRAWN OVER, CURIOUS)
GRACIE: (IN A MODULATED VOICE) We have to stop now, Barbie. Our time is up.
FRAN: What are you doing?
GRACIE: They’re in group therapy.
FRAN: What’s the matter with you? Play normal. Besides, if you straighten these people out where’s the fun? (SITS NEXT TO GRACIE; SWITCHES DOLLS AROUND)
Now, Ken has had a thing with Barbie since before I was playing, so you never see them together. In the Dream Car maybe. Never in the Dream House.
GRACIE: (CONSIDERS THIS) Unless there’s a party with other dolls around.
FRAN: There you go. That would never come out in therapy.
GRACIE: Barbie’s in denial.
FRAN: Of course. Look at her feet. That’s all from frustration. Never trust a woman who can’t wear flats.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – MORNING
(NILES ARRANGES FRESH CUT FLOWERS IN A VASE. FRAN ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE, HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE)
FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Kids, hurry up, the limo’s waiting!!
(NILES CRINGES)
FRAN: (CONT’D) I love saying that.
NILES: And I love hearing it.
(SFX: DOORBELL RINGS)
(NILES STARTS FOR THE DOOR)
FRAN: I’ll get it. Finish what you were doing.
NILES: I have finished.
FRAN: You’ll look again.
(NILES RE-EXAMINES HIS HANDIWORK. FRAN OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S C.C.)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Hiii, C.C.
(C.C. ENTERS)
C.C.: Hello, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Make yourself comfortable.
C.C.: (OFF FRAN’S ROBE) I see you have. (C.C. TAKES A SEAT ON THE COUCH)
FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Mr. Sheffield! C.C.’s here!!
NILES: There goes the other ear.
FRAN: (WAGS A FINGER) Don’t start with me, Niles.
(MAGGIE AND GRACIE COME DOWNSTAIRS IN THEIR PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORMS)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Aren’t we gorgeous.
GRACIE: We wear the same thing everyday.
FRAN: Trust me. Men dream about these outfits.
(FRAN ADJUSTS THEIR CARDIGANS, SMOOTHS THE PLEATS ON THEIR SKIRTS, ETC. MAXWELL COMES DOWNSTAIRS WITH BRIGHTON IN HIS TRACKS)
MAXWELL: Brighton cut himself shaving again.
FRAN: (TO BRIGHTON) What’s your hurry? Wait till you get some hair!
(FRAN MINISTERS TO BRIGHTON. MAXWELL OPENS HIS MAIL)
MAGGIE: (RUBBING HER TEMPLES) Daddy, I’ve got another headache.
MAXWELL: (CONCERNED) Oh no, Maggie…
FRAN: (TO MAGGIE) Let’s save this look for when you need a facelift.
(FRAN REMOVES THE BARRETTE HOLDING MAGGIE’S HAIR TIGHTLY BACK)
MAGGIE: Wow…? I feel the blood rushing back…
NILES: (TO MAXWELL) I’ll cancel the MRI.
(MAXWELL SHOOTS HIM A LOOK)
FRAN: Say good-bye to your father, kids.
(THE KIDS AND MAXWELL AD-LIB GOOD-BYES, KISSES, THEN DO THE SAME TO FRAN. EXCEPT BRIGHTON)
BRIGHTON: I hate the limo. I get carsick.
FRAN: Take a cab in New York, you’ll get a heart attack. Don’t be so ungrateful. Your father had to walk ten miles in the snow to his limo.
(AND THE KIDS ARE OUT)
MAXWELL: Ah, C.C., Sorry to keep you waiting. (HOLDS UP ENVELOPE) The contracts arrived this morning.
C.C.: (POPS OPEN HER ATTACHE) I’ve got the limited partnership agreements as well.
(MAXWELL AND C.C. SWAP DOCUMENTS, SIT DOWN AND STUDY THEM. FRAN SITS ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH)
FRAN: Y’know, you should do a show with Cher. She’s pushing those hair products now, you could probably get her for nothing. (BEAT) Did she do something to her face? Her lips are not the same.
(C.C. ROLLS HER EYES. NILES BRINGS OVER COFFEE SERVICE, POURS MAXWELL A CUP)
MAXWELL: (SIPS; GRIMACES IN PAIN) Blasted tooth…
FRAN: Ohh? You need to see a dentist.
MAXWELL: Nonsense. I just… slept on it wrong.
FRAN: How do you sleep on a tooth?
MAXWELL: One can do many things when there’s quiet.
FRAN: Excuse me. What is it with the English and teeth?
MAXWELL: (RISES; TO C.C.) We’ll be late for the lawyers if we don’t step on it.
C.C.: (RISES) Yes, let’s get out of here.
FRAN: Wait, lemme fix your tie.
MAXWELL: No good? I thought I’d try a double Windsor knot. Churchill wore one.
FRAN: Was he hiding a goiter?
(FRAN CROSSES WITH MAXWELL TO A MIRROR AND PROCEEDS TO RETIE HIS TIE FOR HIM. C.C. SITS BACK DOWN)
C.C.: Coffee, Niles.
NILES: No, thank you. I’m already speeding.
C.C.: For me.
(NILES POURS HER A CUP. C.C. WATCHES THE INTERACTION BETWEEN MAXWELL AND FRAN)
C.C.: (CONT’D) The domestic vignettes around here are enough to make you ill.
NILES: It seems to agree with Mr. Sheffield.
C.C.: He does seem happy again. I was so worried about him.
NILES: I’m sure you’ll rest easy now.
C.C.: (CONT’D) Does Nanny Fine ever give it a rest?
NILES: Only on her day off.
C.C.: That’s tomorrow, isn’t it? How will you manage?
(FRAN FOLLOWS MAXWELL BACK)
FRAN: Hold it, you got some schmutz.
(FRAN WETS A KLEENEX IN HER MOUTH AND WIPES SHAVING CREAM OFF HIS FACE)
C.C.: Did you just spit on that tissue and rub it on his face?
FRAN: I brushed.
(FRAN EXITS UPSTAIRS)
MAXWELL: (TO C.C.) There are things about Miss Fine you wouldn’t want to change. Anyway, if you did, I doubt that you could. Shall we? (MAXWELL HEADS FOR THE DOOR)
C.C.: Maxwell, tomorrow’s Saturday. Let’s go to the zoo!
MAXWELL: (STOPS) The zoo? C.C., what have I ever done to make you think I’d have the slightest interest in that?
C.C.: It’s the nanny’s day off. It’ll be fun! We’ll be like one big, happy family. You and I.
MAXWELL: And the children.
C.C.: Of course. You can’t always think of yourself.
MAXWELL: C.C., this is a side of you that’s rather unexpected. You want to spend the day with them?
C.C.: Maxwell, I adore children. I don’t know why that should be so surprising. It’s a natural thing. A female thing.
(C.C. SMILES CONFIDENTLY)
NILES: Some females eat their young.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM – NEXT MORNING
(THE FAMILY SITS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. FRAN ENTERS. IN LIEU OF A ROBE, SHE WEARS AN ATTRACTIVE SUIT)
FRAN: Morning, everyone.
(KIDS AD-LIB G’MORNINGS)
MAXWELL: Your attire’s a welcome change of pace, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Pure linen. Bloomingdale’s after season sale. (REACTS OFF SUIT) Ugh, I haven’t even left the house yet? It only looks crisp on the hanger. I’m not hungry, Niles, I’ll just pick. (PICKS FOOD OFF SERVING TABLE WITH HER FINGERS) Maggie, they got some gorgeous moules left over from summer. Naturally, it helps if you wear a ten. Or a five.
(FRAN USES THE SERVING FORK AND PICKS OFF IT. NILES CAN’T LOOK)
FRAN: Why dirty a fork? I’m only thinking of you, you gotta clean it.
MAXWELL: Well, are we all excited about going to the zoo?
BRIGHTON: About as excited as you, Dad.
FRAN: Your father is thrilled to spend a day with his family.
MAGGIE: Since when is Miss Babcock part of our family?
MAXWELL: As long as she raises half the money for Daddy’s shows.
GRACIE: The zoo gives me major anxiety.
BRIGHTON: C’mon, Gracie. It’s not like the otters are going to… EAT YOU!
(GRACIE SCREAMS, BOLTS FROM THE TABLE AND GLOMS ONTO FRAN)
BRIGHTON: (CONT’D) I’d book two sessions next week, Dad.
GRACIE: I want to stay with Fran!
FRAN: Gracie, I have to go to a wedding. I’m a bridesmaid. I could scream too, you should see the dress I’m wearing.
(NILES CROSSES TO MAXWELL WITH A PLATE OF TOAST. MAXWELL WAVES HIM AWAY)
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
(NILES GOES TO ANSWER IT)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Not hungry, Mr. Sheffield?
MAXWELL: Full.
FRAN: Uh-huh. Lemme see you eat.
(MAXWELL PICKS UP BRIGHTON’S TOAST, BITES OFF A PIECE, SMILES)
FRAN: Chew.
MAXWELL: (DOES) Owwww…?!
FRAN: That’s it, no zoo for you. You’re seeing a dentist.
(BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE HIGH-FIVE “YES!”)
MAXWELL: Dentists don’t work on Saturday’s.