Need a support network? Turn on the television

BYLINE: Karla Peterson -- By the time you read this, "Survivor" will be a distant memory, but the psychic pain of seeing scary, scheming Richard Hatch make off with the million-dollar jackpot will be as fresh as a new migraine.

Then again, what were the alternatives? Mood-swinging Kelly? Cranky Rudy? Susan, the Psycho Banshee?

The problem with reality television is that it features real folks with real flaws. The nice people are either boring or wimpy, and the bad guys and gals are irritating and petty. For a satisfying television relationship, you can't beat the real fake thing. Here are a few of the fictional people who will be your side long after Richard and the alliance have slithered away.

Best Best Friend (Grown-ups' edition): Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore) from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," whose humor, empathy and loyalty make her the ideal sidekick, sounding board and pal for life. Now if only she'd loan out a few of those fabulous midi skirts.

Best Best Friend (High School edition): Sensitive, smart and more messed-up than you. From her weeping spells to her girls' room freak-outs, "My So-Called Life" heroine Angela Chase (Claire Danes) is everything you'd want in a high-school comrade, and her CD collection isn't bad, either.

Best Buddy: And the gold-plated remote control goes to ...Homer Simpson, who never met a snack food he wouldn't scarf, a beer he wouldn't quaff, a baser instinct he wouldn't indulge and a serious discussion that wouldn't make his Ping-Pong eyeballs glaze over. Post-awards party at Moe's!

Best Ex-Boyfriend: An arrested-development poster boy on the outside and a cream puff in the middle, "Sex in the City" sweetheart Steve Brady (David Eigenberg) is the kind of guy who will drive you crazy after three months and stay your friend forever. Available for moving furniture, installing stereos and all spider-related emergencies.

Best Ex-Girlfriend: Gorgeous? Sure. Sexy? Yup. High-maintenance? You bet. But "Once and Again" hot mama Lily Manning (Sela Ward) is worth her weight in grief, because once in the distant, misty past, she took leave of her senses and dated you. Keep those photo-booth snapshots close to your heart and linked to your Web site.

Best Bad Influence: The violent, venal, foul-mouthed gang from "The Sopranos," who make bad behavior seem as natural as breathing and as easy as a round of miniature golf. This ruthless bunch would have the entire "Survivor" cast sleeping with the fishes within 24 hours. Immunity challenge? I got your immunity challenge right here.

Best Mom and Pop: They couldn't stop Lisa Bonet from eloping with Lenny Kravitz, but you can bet they gave it their best shot. Otherwise, the parenting record of the warm and wily Cliff and Clair Huxtable (Bill Cosby and Phylicia Rashad of "The Cosby Show") is pretty spotless. With a homestead like the Huxtables', who needs college? Or marriage? Oh heck, why grow up at all?

Best Boss: With apologies to Bruce Springsteen, this man is the biggest boss of all, and as played by Martin Sheen in "The West Wing," President Josiah Bartlet is also the best boss in the free world. With his withering sense of humor and qualified idealism, he is a liberal's fondest hope, and an employee's dream. And you can bet the office parties are a blast.

Best Roommate: OK, so her friends are kind of weird and her extracurricular activities are pretty freaky. But when your Angst is up and your grades are down, no one can help exorcise those college-life demons like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) can vaporize a blood-sucking frat boy at five paces and skewer a satanic professor like a shish kebab, and if you're real nice, she might let you borrow one of those nifty capes.

Best Conscience: He's no angel on your shoulder, but Detective Frank Pembleton (Andre Braugher) of "Homicide" is the bully in your brain who will not let up until you promise to do the right thing no matter how much it hurts. Then he'll punch you a few more times, just to make sure.__The San Diego Union-Tribune (August 31, 2000)