It's funny that I've wound up here again. Ever since I got involved with Pacey, I've been praying for an out, a legitimate reason to keep me away from him. But now that both Pacey and Dawson have given me my reasons, I still end up coming. Honestly, I don't want an out anymore. I just want a way to pretend that I can come here and be with Pacey without thinking about anything...or anyone else.
I know that he doesn't want me here. He practically said as much the last time we were together and he hasn't returned any of my calls in over a month. I don't know how I ever could have expected him to talk to me after all that has happened since the last time we were together, but I still sat by the phone anyway, anxiously awaiting any kind of contact from him.
But it never came.
So, here I am, the eternally-stubborn Joey Potter, refusing to believe that he could possible cast me aside until I actually hear him say it to my face.I take a deep breath and knock. After a few seconds, I can hear him shuffle towards the door. He jerks it open and his eyes meet mine, the expression on his face immediately turning cold.
"Joey," he drawls, looking me up and down. "To what do I owe this pleasure? If you came to deliver your engagement party invitation, don't worry, Dawson already sent me one."
"Can I come in?"
He moves aside silently and lets me in, closing the door behind me. "You know," he says, walking dismissively past me. "I'm sorry that you didn't get to witness my joyous response when I opened the invitation, but I'm sure that I'll be able to stir up some of that enthusiasm for the wedding."
"Pacey..." I plead.
He turns around to face me and smiles coolly. "Wait until you hear my Best Man speech, I've spent the last few days perfecting it. How does this sound?" he begins, clearing his throat and raising his hand in a mock toast. "Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you just how much the Bride likes it when you suck on her earlobe, which by the way is something that the Groom doesn't even know. And it really drives her crazy when you run your hands up--"
"Okay, I get the point," I say, rolling my eyes, doing my best to not think about what he's really saying.
"Do you?"
I shrug off my coat and toss it over the arm of the couch. "Even the dog gets your point, Pacey," I say, watching as his eyes travel over my body. He seems to notice the less then modest attire that I've chosen to wear tonight.
"Well, Jo," he says, his eyes slowly wandering back up to mine. "Not that I don't appreciate you dropping in and all, but is there something that you wanted?"
"I wanted to see you," I say, trying to make the words seem as casual as possible.
He laughs harshly. "Why? So you could get me blessing? My congratulations?"
"No, Pacey. I came because I wanted to see you," I say again, emphasizing each word slowly. "I came because I missed you."
"You're not allowed to miss me," he says softly, slightly shaking his head. It almost looks like he's about to scream...or cry. I can't really tell which one.
"I know that I'm not. Believe me, I know," I say, taking tentative steps towards him. "But I can't seem to stop."
I move in front of him, closing the space between us and I stop when our bodies are almost touching. Nothing outside these walls matter to me right now. There's only him. And me. And us.
I slowly lift my hands up to rest on his shoulders, hoping for some kind of retribution on his part, anything on his part, but he doesn't move at all.
"You should go," he says weakly, grabbing my wrists and pulling them away from him. I know he's trying to fight this, trying to do the right thing, so why can't I just listen to him?
"Shhh..." I whisper, rising up on my toes to place a soft kiss on his lips, knowing that it won't take much to change his mind. He drops the lose grip that he had on my wrists and I trail my hands down his chest, moving in to kiss him again. I can feel him sigh against my mouth, finally giving in as he begins to deepen the kiss, opening his mouth to let my tongue slip inside.
One of his hands moves to the small of my back and he pulls me closer to him, no longer able to put up a fight. Reaching for the buttons on my blouse, he undoes them hastily, freeing me of the material and dropping it to the floor. He breaks the kiss and leans back to take me in, his eyes dark. I love how he looks at me, how he can make me feel like I'm the sexiest woman in the world without saying a word.
I grab the bottom of his shirt and yank it over his head, returning to our kiss. I taste bourbon on his lips. It's warm.
My fingers trail back down his bare chest, leaving faint marks in their wake until I reach his waist. Making quick work of his belt, I pull it from his pants and toss it carelessly aside. Rational thought is far from my mind as I slip my hand inside the waistband of his pants and he groans in response, his breath growing deeper. Neither of us seem too interested in waiting any longer as he grabs me around the waist and pulls me in the direction of the bedroom.
I can feel Pacey tracing small circles on my stomach, his body pressed firmly against my back and his arms wrapped around my waist. Occasionally, he'll whisper something sweet into my ear and kiss the back of my neck, but the words slide right off me. All I can do is stare at the engagement ring that sits on my finger, taunting me.
Dawson. Dawson Leery. I'm supposed to marry Dawson Leery. Why did I ever say yes when I can't seem to stop myself from winding up in his best friend's bed?
I never seem to have a moments peace when I'm with Dawson. I'm either feeling incredibly guilty or more likely, I'm thinking about Pacey. I imagine his touch, his kiss and how amazing and passionate I feel when I'm around him. But whenever I have experienced that passion and his touch and his kiss, just like this, I can't stop thinking about Dawson afterwards. How he would react, what he would do if he ever found out about us.
I've done this dance more then once in my life. I've struggled with my feelings for both Dawson and Pacey, the only two men that I will probably ever really love. But why do I have to love them both at the same time?
"Stay." he whispers quietly, resting his head against mine.
This is usually the part of the night that I hate most, the look on his face when I tell him that I can't is always pure torture, but my routine response drifts away and I can't seem to find my voice.
Leaving means breaking Pacey's heart and going right back to Dawson's arms, where I'll only be thinking of Pacey. Staying could mean spending the entire night thinking about how I'm breaking Dawson's heart, but it also means actually acknowledging the fact that I want to stay.
Shit. Did I mention that I was indecisive?
I close my eyes and speak the first words that come to me. I can deal with the ramifications of whatever those words are later.
"Okay," I say softly, lacing my fingers with his.
"Yeah?" He sounds surprised. Hell, so am I.
"Yeah," I say firmly.
He pulls me closer and I snuggle in to fit the shape of his body.
"I love you," he whispers, bending his head to plant a quick kiss on my cheek.
He doesn't say that often. He does says it from time to time, but the lack of a response has seemed to silence him lately.
And before I know it, I open my mouth and return the sentiment, forgetting for a moment about the man that is probably wondering where I am right now, my lifelong friend and my safety net...but my fiancee?
I let out a long breath before I speak the 4 words that will surely be my downfall.
"I love you, too."