"Bye, honey. I'm going," Dawson calls from the hall. "I love you."
I pause for a moment before answering. "You too," I return simply, nervously watching him gather his things at the door. He glances back into the kitchen and gives me a strange look. He must know that something is wrong, I can see it in his eyes, but he's doing his best to hide it.
It's funny because before now, I've always envied the way that Dawson looked at the world, how he looked at life. It was like he always managed to find the brighter side to a situation. But now when I look back, the strongest memories I have of him are when things would blow up in his face, his hopeful outlook only making the end result of each situation worse. You can't deal with a problem if you refuse to see it.
Pacey calls it trust--he claims that Dawson trusts both of us too much to believe that we would do something like this to him behind his back, but I call it denial.
The idealism and the optimistic nature that has become Dawson's trademark has always kept him safe because he never has to step out from behind his protective walls and face the problems that are sitting right there in front of his face. He's too scared to acknowledge anything that might shake the foundation of this perfect life that he has built up around himself. If he knows that something might stand in the way of him getting what he wants, he just won't accept it.
It's only going to make the end result worse.
He probably knows that I'm cheating on him. In fact, I'm sure that he knows. I've known Dawson my whole life and I couldn't possibly hide something like this from him. But he has never really accused me of the actual act, even though he has plenty of reasons to...and plenty of proof. He probably thinks that if he can just make it through the wedding with a smile on his face, everything will work itself out. He actually believes that we'll get the happy ending. He has no doubt that we're soulmates, whatever the hell that means.
I wonder how he got so much faith in me. In us.
Because I don't think that I have much of it anymore.
He turns to leave and I stare at the door intently as it slams behind him. He's angry. He's angry and I don't give a shit.
I peek through the kitchen window and out to the driveway where he is walking to his car. Before he gets in, he looks back up at the house and meets my gaze warily. He waves goodbye and I return the gesture unenthusiastically, anxiously waiting for him to just leave. His weak smile falls and he gets in.
Once I'm sure that the coast is clear, I walk over to the phone and pick it up, dialing Pacey's number. I find myself casting another glance out the window, just to be sure that he's gone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," I say, smiling at the sound of his voice.
"I figured," he says indifferently. "Dawson must have just left."
The harshness of his voice isn't what I was expecting and it throws me off. I clear my throat and pretend not to notice it. "Can I come over?"
"No, you can't," he says too quickly. I sink into the stool behind me and take a moment to let his words sink in. I'm used to him putting up a fight, but not like this. He's never usually this cold-hearted.
"What? Why?"
"You keep asking me that," he says angrily. "You know why."
"Okay," I sigh. "Maybe I do know why, but that hasn't been stopping us lately," I smile. "What makes today different from any other?"
"Well, for one thing, Jen is staying here this weekend and I'm not going to run out on her without an explanation just because you feel like a roll in the hay," he pauses. "And second--" he stops again before continuing and I can hear his voice losing it's previous force. "And second...I can't keep doing this, Joey," he says weakly, his voice breaking.
"I know, Pacey," I say, shaking my head. "But I have to see you."
"No, Joey. You don't understand. I can't keep doing this," he repeats firmly. "We can't keep doing this. It's over. We're over."
And before I can protest, he hangs up the phone and all I'm left with are his words echoing in my mind.
It's over.
We're over.
He's taken his phone off the hook. God, if he was going to do this, he should have at least had the balls to do it to my face. Explain to me how he can go from telling me that he loves me with everything that he is and making me happier than anyone else possibly could, to telling me that we were over. That fucking bastard leaves me just when I need him the most.
This is so perfect. The timing is so fucking perfect. As soon as I start to realize what it is that I want, he goes and does this. As soon as I think that I've finally made my choice, he goes and takes away my choice. So fucking perfect. Why would I expect any less? Bad timing seems to be a running theme in my life.
And now that I'm here on the front step of his apartment building, standing lifelessly in the pounding rain, I have to do all I can to keep myself from breaking down. I'm soaked, but that is the last thing on my mind.
What if he really meant what he said? What the hell am I supposed to do then? Go back to Dawson and try my best to pretend like I don't want to be somewhere else--anywhere else? Try my best not to call out Pacey's name whenever he touches me? I can't live like that. And now Pacey has made me realize that I can't live without him, either. The fucking bastard. I hope he's happy.
I pound up the stairs, the rain dripping off of me and onto the dark wood. I reach the top and make my familiar trek to his apartment. He better fucking be there.
I reach his door and start pounding on it immediately. I'm probably making a scene and disturbing the other tenants, but I don't care. I stop and wait for him to open the door, for him to answer, but he doesn't. I pound again, louder this time.
"Joey?" I hear a female voice call from inside. Jen opens the door and I immediately push past her and into the apartment.
"Pacey?" I shout, glancing around the room.
"He's not here, Joey."
"What? Where is he?"
"He left a little while ago. I don't know where he went. He didn't tell me."
Before she even finishes her sentence, I'm already out the door and running down the hallway. I have no idea where he could be, but I'm not going to stop looking until I find him.