"Look, Pacey, at the end of the day Joey and Dawson are going to stay friends or whatever it is that they are, and you're gonna end up alone. Alright? No girlfriend, no friend, just utterly and completely alone. Think about it. I was right before, wasn't I?"
You know, it's funny that I always come back to that same advice in my mind. It's just some comment that Doug made to me years ago, when I was in a similar situation. It was his way of trying to protect me when I was too far gone to protect myself.
My flings with Joey usually end up teaching me more lessons than I'd ever like to know. Her patterns are beginning to show. Dawson can give her comfort and idealistic love, but once she's bored with that, she comes to me for a change. She's told me that I make her feel alive, that I challange her.
Where does that leave me? And what would Doug say to me now? Back then, he was right. But did I listen to him? Take his advice? Open up my fucking eyes? Of course I didn't.
Hell, Doug wasn't right. Doug is right.
What would things would be like if I had just listened to him back in high school and taken his advice from the very beginning? Maybe I could've avoided all of this. Maybe I could've walked away from Joey then and tried to preserve at least a fraction of my happiness, some semblance of a normal life. But I'm in too deep now. It's all gone. Everything I feel and need and want is all wrapped-up in Joey. And that's what makes the inevitable ending that Doug tried to warn me about back in high school so much harder to swallow.
He wasn't the only one that knew it from the very beginning. Everybody knew. And they all watched our relationship happen with a hand over their eyes, waiting for that gruesome ending. Hell, I knew too, but I was so overwhelmed by my feelings for Joey and the possibility that she might feel something for me too, that I lost sight of the big picture. Dawson and Joey were destined to have the happy ending. That one perfect moment before the credits role that Dawson had always imagined for himself. And in those movies the sidekick never gets the girl.
We all knew how this story was going to end before it was even written. Dawson and Joey: together to the bitter end. And I was stupid enough to think that I could somehow end up changing Dawson's storybook ending.
Dawson and Joey's storybook ending.
But apparently everyone knows that the idea of me beating Dawson at anything is not only laughable, but utterly impossible. And the thought of Joey loving anyone more than she loves Dawson is just as ludicrous.
And so here we are...
The soft light seems to expose the house's external flaws as well as the internal ones, like the act that they put on during the day fades when they think that no one is watching. Their world doesn't look as happy and peaceful as I've always thought it was. Everything seems different at night. More real.
I can't help but smile at the thought. Dawson's dream of white picket fences and golden retrievers and rose gardens didn't really come true after all. Instead, he got lies and cheating and betrayal and this illusion of the perfect life. Not quite what he had planned, is it?
You know, I can't really seem to figure out exactly where it was that Dawson and I went wrong. Surprisingly, I don't think it was over Joey. She was the always the catalyst, but I think that it was more than just her. It's hard to be friends with someone who's life you envied. Someone that pitied you in return. Someone that your own father respected more than you. Someone that thought you were always there to play the role of the sidekick to his leading man. And as soon as I traveled outside of those boundaries that he set out for me, our friendship became strained. And when I finally stepped out from his shadow and made something of myself, I don't think that he knew how to do deal with being in the background.
But now I'm happy to be in the background as I stand here across the street from their house in the shadows, watching Dawson get out of his car and walk in through the front door.
Waiting to see if she's really going to tell him about us.
Praying that I'm worth all of this to her.
Scared that her love for me isn't going to be strong enough in the end.
And before I have time to react, he's down the driveway and across the street in a matter of seconds, his fist connecting soundly with my jaw. I stumble backwards and land roughly on the ground, more emotionally drained than physically.
He takes another step towards me, his arm pulled back and ready to throw another punch. "I should've known," he mutters before he sends down another blow onto my crumpled form.
God, there's nothing more that I want right now than to stand up and fight back, to wipe that look off of his face with just one quick punch. But maybe if I give him this one moment, the chance to beat me beyond recognition, it'll give him some sort of satisfaction. I can't help but feel like I owe him that much after all of this.
I know what it's like to be in his shoes and all of the anger and hurt that is coursing through him right now is fresh in my mind. Joey has put me in his situation more than once.
I wipe at the blood that is now trickling out of the gash in my lip and keep my head down, expecting another punch to quickly come my way, or a kick, or at the very least, a rant on my betrayel.
I don't have to wait long.
"How could you?" he asks harshly, seething with anger.
I look up at him and reply simply, "I love her."
I don't think that I've ever seen such a hateful look on his face before, his face like stone. "You think that matters?" he asks, surprising no one as he plays the only cards he has left, calling me on my insecurities. Only someone that you call your best friend can know the easiet way to hurt you. "You think she actually loves you?"
"No." I get to my feet slowly. "I know that she does, Dawson."
I'm expecting his punch this time and I throw up my hand to block it. When he can't get any leverage on me after struggling for a few seconds, he takes a step back.
"You know what's sad, Pacey?" he breaths heavily. "The fact that you think something has somehow changed between you. Has she ever loved you the same way that you love her?" The look in his eyes one of pure hatred, his jaw set tightly. "She stringing you along, just like always. And you're the idiot that keeps falling for it."
The fact that I know exactly what he's trying to do doesn't seem to stop it's immediate effect on me, my mind roaming back to Doug's words. You're gonna end up alone. Alright? No girlfriend, no friend, just utterly and completely alone.
I would give anything to know that he was wrong.
"She's in there crying right now. Weeping, actually," Dawson continues, gesturing towards the house. "She begged me not to go. Not to leave her. She didn't want her mistakes to ruin what we have together. She told me that she wanted to get everything off of her chest before we got married, which is exactly what's going to happen, Pacey."
That sounds familiar. She told me something similar this morning. Something about getting this out in the open before we could move on with our life together.
I begin to open my mouth, but apparently he's not done yet.
"You didn't really think that she'd leave me, did you?" he asks and I can't help but laugh at just how accurate his question is. He knows just how to get to me and it's working marvelously, my mind reeling. "You obviously couldn't hold onto her after our senior year. It was just another thing you managed to fuck up. But that's what Pacey does, isn't it?"
Words I've heard my whole life.
His expression changes to a righteous smirk. "Pacey, you've had your chance. You could never stop her from coming back to where she belonged. With me. You think it's somehow going to work now? You think she's going to give up the life she has with me for one with you?"
"I wouldn't want what you have with her, Dawson."
"What? Love?" he shouts. "Well, don’t worry, because that's the last thing that she has for you. She wouldn't be in there crying over me if she loved you," his eyes leave mine for the first time and he takes a long breath. "No matter how hard you've always tried, Pacey, you're never going to be as good as me. You were never my equal and you'll never even be close. Your family knew it, our friends knew and most importantly, Joey has always known it. That's why she can't leave me. You can't give her what I can. And you know what else, Pacey?"
I stare at him without answering, afraid that if I open my mouth, my weakening confidence will show through.
"You know it, too."
And with that, he turns and walks down the dark sidewalk.
I watch his shadow until I can longer see it. I can't move. I don't want to believe him, I can't believe him. But at the same time, maybe it will save me a lot of trouble if I finally would.
I didn't really think that she'd be crying like this. I figured Dawson was exaggerating at least a little, but for once he wasn't. I've seen her cry before, but never anything like this.
I can't believe I'm watching her through the window like this, feeling like some perverted criminal. But I couldn't knock. I couldn't face her when she's like this. I know that she's not crying because she's upset over how things happened. She's not upset over having to hurt Dawson in order to be with me. No, it's more than that. Much more.
And seeing her so devestated, I know that she wasn't ever really ready to let him go.
At least not for me.
And if she hasn't figured things out by now, when will she ever? When can she be with me and not have Dawson waiting in the wings to swoop in when things get a little rough.
I don't think that she'll ever be ready for a life with me.
And I can't wait around for her forever, just for the simple reason that I know how easy it would be for me to do just that. I could wait for her forever. I could pretend like I didn't notice that she was never really all there with just me, that she never gave herself to me completely. And I could pretend like I didn't see the hesitation behind her eyes whenever she professed her love to me.
It would be so easy for me to take it all because I love her that much. I love her so much that I don't care if it hurts me to be with her.
But for once Pacey Witter isn't going to take the easy road out.
And for once Joey Potter is.
"Goodbye, Jo," I say for my own comfort, turning away from the window and the sight of her crying. "I love you, Potter," I whisper as I walk away from her.
I don't bother looking back. I wouldn't be able to keep walking if I did.
And I won't let myself wait around for her any longer.
Barely Breathing
Performed by Duncan Sheik
I know what you’re doing, I see it all to clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There’s not much to examine, there’s nothing left to hide
You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why
I say good-bye...
‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There’s nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I’m thinking it over anyway...
I’ve come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don’t come and go