Pacey had no idea what the hell he was doing.
Joey was on the other side of that door. Right there. And after all of his agonizing over what would happen when this day came, fretting over what he would say to her, he suddently found himself utterly speechless. He had gone through hundreds of conversations in his mind, but he was drawing a total and complete blank. He was sure to make a fool of himself as soon as he knocked on that door and went into her room, trying his best to... God, to what?
He wanted to go in there and yell at her, scream at her with everything he had, do anything he could to get her to feel that same dizzying pain that she had made him feel.
He wanted to go in there and grab her, press her tightly against the nearest door or wall or window, and kiss her with all the hunger and desire that he still felt for her, leaving her breathless and aching. And when he pulled away, he wanted to feel her return his kiss with that same fury, that same need.
But he doubted that either of those ideas would go over very well with her.
At the very least, he needed to see her. And talk to her. There were so many things he wanted to know. Things he had waited so long to sort out.
If he stopped thinking for a moment and closed his eyes, he could still see her perfectly in his memory. She was lying in bed next to him in the early morning light, her hair slightly tousled from sleep. He could feel the heat of her body against his, the way they fight together perfectly as they slept side by side. He could hear the cute little noise that she would make in the back of her throat when they kissed. He could remember the taste of her mouth, of her skin.
Pacey groaned, reminding himself that his girlfriend was just downstairs.
What was her name again?
They had taken it during their first summer together aboard 'True Love' with one of those cheap disposable cameras that Pacey had insisted on buying at one of the ports, even with their very limited budget. Their cheeks were pressed closely together in the picture, Joey's arms around his neck and Pacey's stretched out to position the camera in front of them and to snap the picture. They were both smiling widely, looking insanely, unrealistically happy.
Joey couldn't remember the last time she felt like that. She couldn't imagine having no worries, just enjoying the freedom of living life. She had been chasing that sensation ever since their trip ended and she hadn't even come close.
Whenever she felt sad or lonely or whenever she missed him, she would take out the tattered photo, letting the memories that it carried with it wash over her. It was always her favorite picture from that summer, something to jog her memory and remind her of that amazing time in her life.
Looking at that simple photo made all of their later fights and problems seem blurry. Longing would take over.
But tonight when she closed her eyes, she had trouble placing herself back on True Love. She couldn't remember what if felt like, smelled like.
Now, in her mind, Pacey was there with someone else instead of her.
Joey opened the door and came face to face with him. She had to remind herself to keep breathing.
"Pacey?"
"Joey. Hey," he said softly. "Sorry if I bothered you. I, ah, just wanted to... I don't know. I guess I wanted to talk."
"Yeah, sure," she opened the door wider, stepping aside to let him in. "Come in."
"Thanks."
Joey closed the door behind him, watching closely as he walked further into the room and then turned to face her.
After he was silent for a moment, she cleared her throat, wanting to stop herself from saying something stupid, but her curiosity was too overwhelming. Not to mention the jealousy that was raging through her. She knew that there must be some better or more appropriate comment to make to someone after over a year of not seeing them, but she couldn't help herself.
"So, who’s the Cheerleader downstairs?"
Pacey flinched, angry and embarrassed at the same time. "Um, she’s not a Cheerleader. Her name is Ashley."
"Oh." His defensiveness had sobered her and she realized that maybe she was a little out of line. She took a deep breath. "Well, is she okay? She seemed pretty upset earlier."
Pacey stopped for a moment, unsure of what she was really getting at. "I think she had a right to be."
"And why is that?" Joey asked, eyeing him carefully.
"Well, she knows that you and I... dated."
Joey nodded quickly, angry at the simple characterization. "Is that what we did? We just happened to date?" she asked.
Pacey turned away from her to face the window, choosing to let the response that was resting on his tongue slide. Engaging in this with her was only going to make it worse. "Anyway, was I simply left out of the loop or did you not know that I was coming either?" he asked.
"Do you think I still would've come if I had known?"
Why did he bother? "Right," Pacey sighed. He could play this game, too. "So, where's Dawson?"
Joey shrugged. "I wouldn't know."
Pacey turned to face her, trying his best to hide his surprise, maybe a bit of hope in his eyes. "So, you guys aren't still... close?"
"You know, believe it or not, Pacey, but Dawson and I aren't dating. And we haven't since you and I broke up. In fact, I've barely even spoken to him."
"You know, that does surprise me," Pacey replied bitterly.
To Joey, their previous fights and problems weren't so far off anymore. His mistrust, his insecurities, and the constant accusations became crystal clear. "You haven't changed at all, have you?" she asked. "It's not that it surprises you, I think that it disappoints you." She took a step towards him, her voice rising. "I think you wanted me to run back to Dawson, because now that I've surprised you and everyone else by staying away from him, you don't have him to blame for our problems."
She was right, but he wouldn’t admit it now. "I don't need to blame Dawson for our problems," Pacey shrugged. "I have you for that."
Joey threw up her arms in frustration. "That's good, Pacey. We're really not getting anywhere and I'd rather not keep doing this, because we'd be at it all night. So let me know if you ever actually want to talk about this," she began, going for the door.
Pacey's quickly gave up, his voice stopping her. This wasn't right. "Okay," he agreed, the edge leaving his voice. "You're right, you're right. But do you think it's possible for the two of us to actually talk? If I remember correctly, we were always much better at yelling."
"Not always, Pace."
"Putting the bed to good use?" Jack smiled, wiggling his eyebrows for effect.
Jen laughed, shaking her head. "No way. I stayed with them when they were living together in Boston and trust me, you'd be able to hear them. The whole apartment would shake. I barely got any sleep that whole week."
"I remember when I stayed with them, too," Jack said, his smile quickly fading. "I barely got any sleep either, but it wasn't because of that," he said sadly, remembering the many fights that he had unintentionally observed.
"They're going to be okay, Jack? Aren't they?" Jen asked.
"I don't know," Jack sighed. "Maybe this whole disaster will turn out to be a good thing for them afterall. And then they'll have us to thank."
Jen laughed weakly. "I wish I could be that optimistic."