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As far as I know "The Simpsons" belong to Matt Groening and Fox. I'm just collecting pearls of wisdom from this hysterically funny show - I'm not making money from it and have no ill-intent. Just FUN!
Now, onto the quotes! (As of yet, they're in no particular order. I believe they are exact quotes unless indicated otherwise. If you see an error, please feel free to e-mail me. I'll give you credit!)
(not exact) Homer is running and screaming "Lisa!" in the middle of the street, frantically searching for his lost daughter. He bangs on a car window screaming, "Please! I've lost my lit-Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!" as the window opens and he sees Marge.
Homer and Lisa are breaking into the museum.
Homer: "Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file."
"Your growing insanity is starting to worry me."
Marge to Homer
Tree hugger: "If a tree falls in the forest - will you make a sound?!"
Everyone but Marge and Homer: "Yes!!"
Homer: "Marge! We're going out! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!"
Homer: "Uhhh....Ohhh. I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge." Pause. "Well, goodbye."
Bart: "Dad! Knocking over gravestones is bad luck!"
Homer: "Really? I thought it was good."
Homer making a toast: "To alcohol. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems."
Marge: "Oooh, free foot pain analysis!"
Homer: Oh, Marge, that's just a ploy to cure your foot pain!"
Marge: "Oh," as she limps away.
(not exact)
Marge: "I think you should give it a try."
Homer, very disinterested: "I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step toward failure."
Homer: "What about me? You didn't thank me."
Bart: "You didn't do anything."
Homer, very sad: "But I like being thanked."
I think Lou says this after a criminal runs away. "You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief."
Wiggum: "I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free...than go after 'em."
Cops in Moe's Bar (not exact)
Moe: "Would you boys like some pretzels?"
"No thanks, Moe, we're on duty. A couple beers would be nice."
Homer: "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't in the bottom of a bottle!" He laughs to himself. "They're on TV!"
Homer: "Say...I never thought I'd say this about a television show but...this is stupid!"
Homer, in a new age shop: "My little girls tummy hurts. Do you have something to stop her complaining?"
Homer singing to the tune of "The Flintstones" in his car:
"Simpson, Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in history.
From the town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree."
He proceeds to do so, followed by a classic "Doh!"
Homer sells his soul for a donut. He goes to Hell and his head is used as a bowling ball. It hits the pin and splits in two. A note drifts out: I.O.U. one brain
signed God
Marge, always trying to reprimand the boy: "Bart, stop pestering Satan!"
Arthur Fortune (beloved billionaire on a platform): "Who wants a dollar!?"
Homer (runs up on platform): "I do, I do!!"
Fortune: "And what's your name, young man?"
Homer: "I don't know, just give me the dollar."
Fortune: "Who wants a second dollar!?!"
Homer: "I do!"
Fortune: "...All right...Who wants-"
Homer: "I do!"
Then, Fortune says to heck with that and starts throwing handfuls of dollar bills over the crowd.
Mr. Burns: "That man's totally insane."
Burns wants people to like him, like they like Arthur Fortune and he decides to ask Homer for help.
Burns: "Homer, I want to be loved."
Homer: "Ah, all right, first, I'll need a couple of beers..."
Homer is giving Burns suggestions: "Well, you could donate to charity. Lot's of old coots do that."
Kent Brochman: "And by the way girls, he's single!"
Selma: "Single? Well, he passes the Selma test."
Burns: "And stunts like that impress people?"
Homer: "Oh, yeah! And I'm not easily impressed - Whoa, look! A blue car!!"
They're at Loch Ness.
Willy: "Ach, the whole town's turned out. I've ne'ver seen 'em so excited."
Five people are standing behind him, nodding.
Loch Ness
Burns: "We're the laughing-stock of the town!"
Five people are standing there, motionless.
(not exact)Homer to Bart: "On your first day of school, I'd like to give you the words of advice my father gave me." He remembers:
Abe: "You're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride - I say take it!"
Homer: "Lousy traumatic childhood!"
Homer and Marge try to get Lisa into a very expensive school...(not exact)
Woman: "...as soon as your $6,000 is paid, she's in."
Homer: "I'll give you $50."
Woman: "The price is non-negotiable."
Homer: "$75."
Marge: "I was hoping we could get some kind of scholarship."
Woman: "I'm sorry. There's nothing for you unless you belong to a minority group."
Homer: "Excelente! Muchas gracias, Senorita!"
Bart, first day or so in school, singing the alphabet song: "A, B, C, um...Line."
Teacher: "D."
Bart: "D, E, um...Line."
Teacher: "F, Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing a lot of those."
Homer is "QuizMaster" asking questions from a magazine: "Ok, last question: Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?"
Lenny: "Oh, the little rat-faced one."
Carl: "No, no, no, Nick! He's so good to his mother."
Homer: "According to this, you're both idiots."
Homer to Marge: "Everyone's marriage is falling apart but ours. The problem is communication...Too much communication."
"Fighting crime is not my cup of tea."
Chief Wiggum
Homer to kids: "You heard your mother's ramblings. She said she's fine."
On Religion
Bart: "Why do we need church shoes? Jesus wore sandals."
Homer: "Well, maybe they wouldn't have caught him if he had better arch support."
Homer talking to God: "...Did you see them at the picnic? Of course you did, you're omnivorous."
Various Signs
Hospital Sign
Quality care or your autopsy is free
Psychiatrist Sign
Because there may not be bugs on you