Dear Diary

May 17, 1860

Dear Diary,

Summer is finally starting to show itself. The birds are singing and the flowers are in bloom. It does a heart good to feel the birth of a new season upon us. My work has kept me busy. It has been three weeks since my arrival in Rock Creek. Though I have not made many new friends, Ms. Sadie has been kind to me. Her offer for work couldn’t have come at a better time. My life was slowly falling apart around me and I knew not what I would do. My ability as a seamstress proved worthy and now I am doing quite well. The room above the shop that she allows me to rent has been a God send. I truly fear what might have happened had she not come through for me.

The town of Rock Creek is an interesting town, a far cry from the squalor from which I had come. From my room, I can see the comings and goings of town. It is from that room that I interact with those in the town, through you Diary, my dearest and oldest friend. It is not that I like it to be this way. But I am shy and people tend not to see me when I am in a crowd. So it is best to stay out of their way. But with you, my trusted companion, I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my life.

My day started out rather uneventful. I worked on Mrs. Jensen’s dress, tacking in the lace around the hem. Her wedding dress is coming along beautifully. I had lunch with Ms. Sadie. We talked about all sorts of wonders. Ms. Sadie has traveled all over the East. What wonderful tales she has to tell.

I had a fitting in the afternoon for Miss Mary’s new dress, a beautiful royal blue that looked lovely on the young woman. But it was nearing evening when my whole day was complete. It was when I saw him that left me as if I were walking on clouds. I had seen my love, my hearts desire, as I had seen him on so many other days, through the dress shop window. I had seen him, even if he didn’t see me. And I am happy, even though he doesn’t know I’m alive.

From the window of the shop, I saw him with the other riders as they made their way to Thompkin’s store. I watched them as they pushed and shoved one another as young men were known to do. They kicked and punched at one another as they laughed carefree. There were only three of them, but the other two didn’t matter. I saw only who I needed to see. I saw him.

Oh, he looked marvelous in the bright summer sun. But he always did. A radiant smile across his handsome face. Eyes that sparkled as he looked up at the sun, turning his face up to it to feel its warmth. Oh, how I loved to watch him.

He had his red bandanna on, that striking dark red vest, that white shirt with its sleeves rolled up to reveal his strong tan arms. I felt my heart weaken as he looked at the one they called Cody and smiled. What I wouldn’t give to have him smile at me.

I watched until he was out of my sight at the dress shop window. My hand was resting on my chest, trying to still the quickening beats of my heart. But thoughts of my love stayed with me for the rest of the evening as I sat on my bed and gazed out the window. I tried to read, but my thoughts would not agree.

If only.......If only I could find the courage to tell him how I feel; to tell him what he means to me. To even tell him hello would be a beginning. But I can’t. Not now. Not yet. But maybe someday........

May 20, 1860

Dear Diary,

I am in good spirits. Today was a marvelous day. The sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful crystal blue. What more can a person ask for. It was such a lovely day in fact, that I took my sewing and sat on the boardwalk outside of the store while I worked on it. I have been keeping myself cooped up inside the shop for too long. I needed fresh air. I needed the sunshine. I needed to see my love.

As I sat on the boardwalk, in significant to those who passed by, I closed my eyes, reveling in the glory of the warm Summer afternoon. I loved the way the sun nipped at my fair skin, making it tingle as it tinged a soft red. I loved the way the breeze pulled at my curls, brushing them off of my face. I drew deeply on the crisp air and felt so alive.

Things have been quiet in town today which seems sort of strange. I wonder if it's the proverbial 'calm before the storm'. Now, I know that this isn’t a rowdy town by any measures, but it has seen its fair share of trouble. Marshall Cain paced the boardwalks all day. He looked bored and restless. What a handsome man that Marshall Cain is. While he certainly cannot compare to my Ike, he is quite handsome in his own right.

I have seen Marshall Cain and Miss Shannon carry on very affectionate conversations when they think no one is looking. I’ve watched the way that he looks at her; the smile that spreads across his handsome face. I've seen the way she holds his gaze, so strong and full of confidence. I admire Miss Shannon. She’s bold and daring. She is a fighter, and she never fails to speak her mind. I'm sure that Miss Shannon would not be afraid to tell the man she loves exactly how she feels. Oh diary, how I wish I could be like that.

Being a quiet person does have it’s advantages. Seems to draw people to tell me things they wouldn’t normally tell. I guess they figure that I don’t have anyone to repeat it to. I’m astounded as some of the gossip that women like to spread while I am taking a fitting. Most of it, I ignore because there is no sense listening to rubbish. But I would much rather be a bold person, able to speak to anyone that I please, than to know the most intimate details of anyone’s life. I would trade that in a minute.

I didn’t see Ike at all today. I can only assume that he was on a run. Although, it would have made my day complete to see that rugged, yet gentle man with eyes as bright as evening stars. But I saw him in my heart as I always do. Riding toward me on his beautiful horse, sweeping me up into the saddle behind him, carrying me off under a moonlit sky......Oh diary, how I want to love that man, and how I want that man to love me.

I will have courage diary. I will be strong. I make a promise to myself and to you, my trusted friend, that the next time that I see Ike McSwain, I will speak to him....and it will be magical. I hope.

May 23, 1860

Dear Diary,

Although our weather has been exceptional as of late, I knew that it could not continue. Today endless light gray clouds filled the sky as far as the eye could see. A cool, persistent wind blew in from the north, bringing with it the promise of rain. But it failed to follow through. Instead we were left with a gloomy day.

It’s strange the overwhelming effect that the weather has on people. Gone were the bright and cheery smiles of the townsfolk, replaced with scowls and curses for the rain. Some complained that it would rain at all. Others complained that if it were going to rain, that it should go ahead and rain already. But it taunted us.

Despite the impending rain storm, today was a glorious day for me. Well, glorious and yet horrible all at the same time. Why is that I must be cursed with a silent tongue? I want to be cordial. I want to talk to everyone that walks by. But when I try, nothing comes out.

Business at the dress shop was slow today. What ever people were doing, it certainly didn’t include getting a dress made. As such, I busied myself with doing extra cleaning in the shop. With the dirt in the streets, keeping the shop clean was always quite a challenge.

As I stood on the boardwalk sweeping, a soft clap of thunder rumbled far off in the distant sky. Fascinated by the prospects of rain, I gazed longingly at the clouds, calling for it to fall. I love the rain. As I turned back toward the store, I noticed him riding down the street toward me, and I froze to my spot, broom held tightly in my hand.

He looked tired and dirty. His brown pants made even browner by the trail dust that cover them. The wind was nipping at his hat, blowing it slightly back on his head. He wiped his forearm across his forehead before adjusting his hat to put it back into its proper place.

And there I stood, like an idiot child, just staring with loving eyes at Ike as he approached the shop on his way through town. I knew I should turn away. I knew I looked obvious, if not idiotic, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

No matter how many times I see Ike McSwain, I never failed to be mesmerized by the young man. I admire the air of self-assurance that surrounds the silent rider. I especially loved seeing him on his horse, the way he sits in his saddle, so tall and confident.

Sighing heavily as my heart raced from his being so near, I tried to pull my gaze off of him. Just as I was about to turn back toward the shop, he looked my way. I tell you diary, I nearly fainted. He turned toward me and our eyes locked. I didn’t know what to do. I could feel my eyes as wide as the night moon as I was helplessly lost in his curious gaze, his eyes kind and giving. Smiling that marvelously sexy smile of his, he tipped his hat to me. Can you believe it diary? He smiled at me.....at me.....Madelyn Archer.

So how do I repay his kind and friendly gesture? Can you guess what I did diary? Instead of smiling my most gracious smile, instead of saying hello, instead of acknowledging his courteous attempt, I turned my head. Yes diary, I turned my head away from the love of my life, from the man that holds my heart. And I wanted to die.

Diary, he must think I am a contemptuous and horrible person. He smiles and I turn away. I could feel my face burning with a blush, my cheeks feeling as hot as the sun. But no matter what my heart said, I could not make myself look back. At least not until I was sure he was far enough away from the shop that he would not see the shame in my eyes. I watched longingly as he turned the corner and headed to the bunkhouse.

I heard Ms. Sadie laughing. Startled, I turned to see her standing in the shop doorway. I held my breath, wondering just how long she had been standing there. Finally, I asked what had amused her so. When she said it was me, I felt as if I wanted to crawl in a hole. She said she couldn’t understand why I turn away in one breath and then look at him with such longing in the next.

Oh diary, I didn’t know what to say. I felt as if I were sinking in quicksand. I stammered and mumbled, trying to make excuses. But she knew. I think she has known all along. Ms. Sadie pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly to her chest. “You must find your courage Mady,” she said to me softly as she stroked my hair. “You deserve happiness and your worst hindrance is you.” As if an after thought, she turned back toward me before she went back inside the store. “He's quite a handsome boy Mady. What have you got to lose?”

As Ms. Sadie slipped back into the shop, I turned back toward where my love had gone. I stood for several minutes considering the things she had said. Turning my face up to the darkening sky, I muttered the question to myself. What did I have to lose? My dignity? No, I was certain that I had sufficiently taken care of that today already. My solitude? No, I would be happy to see that go. I didn’t want to be alone. I just always had.

No, I think the real thing that I am afraid of losing is my heart. But then I guess I already lost that the day that I stepped off the stage and saw him standing on the boardwalk with the other riders. The first day that I saw him smile.........

May 25, 1860

Dear Diary,

How can my life turn from bad to worse in just a matter of a few minutes? I don’t understand what happened today, but I can’t ever show my face in this town again. That’s it diary, I have to move. I have to leave this town so that the shame cannot plague me for the rest of my days. Oh diary....and I was so close.

It all started early this afternoon. The rains had stopped, but clouds were still scattered across the sky. The sun peeked through layer after layer of cloud as they drifted slowly by. The streets were muddy from the last few days of showers, but were beginning to dry themselves.

Again, it was a rather slow day at the dress shop. I did some minor repairs on clothing for some of our customers in town. Just after lunch, Ms. Sadie sent me to get some flour for a pie that she intended to bake. Glad for the opportunity to get out of the small shop, I headed for Thompkin’s.

When I entered the store, I couldn’t help but do a quick survey of the room. I knew he wouldn’t be in there, but I did hope. I figured he was probably out on a run as he usually was. I went about the store, picking up bottles of lavender water, and inhaling deeply on the flowery smell. I looked through the new novels that had recently arrived. I gazed at the long shelves full of jars and bottles, just happy to get to see something other than the dress shop.

I picked up a bottle of cure all elixir and wondered why Thompkin’s would sell such rubbish. As I turned the purple bottle over in my hands, I heard a rowdy bunch heading toward the store and I knew instantly it was the riders. I stood there frozen, afraid to even breathe. I guess I thought if I didn’t move, they wouldn’t see me.

I looked over my shoulder, still facing the shelf as Jimmy and Kid came in the store, followed closely by Buck. I waited another minute, but there was no Ike. I was so sad and yet, so positively relieved at the same time. Buck looked at me and smiled, tipping his hat. I nodded my head as I turned back to the bottle in my hand. I saw Kid and Jimmy exchange amused glances and I couldn’t help but be curious as to what it all meant.

I moved to put the bottle back on the shelf when I heard his name. “Afternoon Ike,” Thompkin said as he leaned against the counter, smiling at the young man. At the mere mention of his name, I was turned into a bumbling idiot.

I stared straight ahead as I heard his boot heels click along the wooden floor. I tried to focus on the task at hand, putting the jar back down, but my palms were beginning to sweat. My heart raced so loudly that I could barely hear, the accelerated beats drowning out the sound around me.

I told myself that I had to get a hold of myself. I mean after all, he is just a boy. But as the thought rolled around in my head, I knew in my heart that Ike McSwain was no more just a boy than the sun was just a star in the sky. He was all I ever thought about; all I ever dreamed about. And he was only a few feet away from me.

I kept my back to the riders, my sweating hand still clutching the bottle. I could hear them cutting up with each other as they gathered up some supplies for Emma. Trying to steady the shaking of my hand, I finally managed to get the bottle back safely to the shelf. As I set it down and moved my hand back slowly, I exhaled deeply, happy to not have dropped it. But that’s when it all fell apart.

“Afternoon Mady.” I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard my name. Startled, I turned toward the voice, only to see Buck and Ike standing side by side. Ike had a bright smile on his handsome face, his hands resting casually on his gun belt. Buck stood next to him, his long black hair falling loosely on his shoulders. “I didn’t mean to scare ya Mady. The name’s Buck and this here’s...,” Buck tried to say, but I finished for him.

“Ike....I know.” I tried to smile, but was so caught off guard by the whole introduction. Buck and Ike exchanged curious glances as Ike turned his attention back to me. He smiled a warm and friendly smile, extending his hand.

I tell you diary, at that point, I was afraid I would faint. I stared at his strong callused hands, wanting so bad to take hold of it, to kiss it gently, to place it on my body, and yet so completely shocked at the thought of actually getting to take his hand in mine. I’m not sure how long I stood there, staring at his hand like a fool, but slowly, he began to withdraw it. I looked up quickly, not understanding why he would do that. That was when I realized that he thought I didn’t want to shake his hand.

“What’s a matter Mady?” Buck said, his voice a bit on the defensive.

I looked from Buck to Ike with wide eyes. “Oh no wait....I didn’t mean that...I was simply.......I.....um. I was just...very....a...surprised by your gesture.....” I stammered as I could feel my face burning with a blush. My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I was sure they could hear it. Trying to make up for my terrible rudeness, I moved forward to grab Ike’s hand. And that’s when I fell.

It was like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. As I stepped forward, my toe caught on a loose board. With the quickness of my movement I was falling, no possibility of catching myself. Instead of just letting myself fall, what did I do? Can you guess diary? I tried to grab the shelve to steady myself, but instead, bottles of elixir flew through the air, crashing all around us.

To make matters worse, as if it could get any worse, I not only break the shelve, break all the bottles of elixir, but I then proceed to knock both Buck and Ike back into a display of lavender water bottles, all of which broke around the shocked riders.

The air smelled of flowery alcohol as I began to pull myself up from the floor. I could hear the laughter from Kid and Jimmy as Thompkin came charging over to check on the damage. I felt him grab me by the arm and haul me to my feet. As I stood there, I looked at Ike and Buck with complete horror on my face.

I felt pain in my hand and as I looked down, I saw a large shard of glass protruding from my palm. I pulled it out and watched as blood dripped from my hand to the floor. “Oh, your hurt,” Buck said as he tried wiping the layers of lavender water off of him. He grabbed Ike’s hand and pulled him to his feet.

It was at the moment when everything that had happened suddenly hit me like a runaway horse. I looked up at Ike to see him regarding me with what looked like pity. He started toward me, his eyes fixed on my hand and something in me finally broke. I turned and ran for the door. Buck and Jimmy were yelling for me to wait a minute as I pushed through the door.

I ran back to the dress shop with tears blurring my vision. What an absolute fool I was. I could still hear someone calling my name, but it didn’t matter at that point. I was humiliated. I had succeeded not only in alienating the man I love, but in trying to kill him with lavender water.

I slammed the dress shop door behind me, crying so hard that I could hardly breath. Ms. Sadie tried to stop me, asking me what was wrong, but I pushed past her and ran to my room and to you diary. I could hear a knock on the downstairs door just shortly after I came in and figured it was Thompkin wanting money for the damage I had caused.

Oh diary, the worst part about the whole thing is that I can’t get his smile out of my mind. He had stood there, smiling at me. I mean he smiled at me and I made an absolute fool of myself. Well, I guess it doesn’t much matter anyway. I can’t stay here now. I will be even more of an outcast than I already was, and I don’t think I can take that diary. I don’t think my heart can take that.

May 28, 1860

Dear Diary,

All my life, I have been shy. Sometimes when you're shy, people don't understand that you don't do it because you want to, you do it because that's what your mind and body do. It's hard to control. I certainly didn't want to make such a complete fool of myself in Thompkin's, but diary, I swear my mind seems to absolutely shut down whenever my love is around. I feel helpless to stop it.

After my fiasco in the store with Ike McSwain, I knew he would never want to see me again. Miss Sadie had said that he was the one that had knocked on the shop door after I had run from the store. I don't know why she said it. I still don't really believe that it's true. She said he was concerned about me and wanted to know if I was all right.

Oh diary, why would she want to get my hopes up like that? Doesn't she understand that I can't take the pain of getting my hopes up only to find out that he thinks I'm some kind of freak like most people often do.

And if I weren't confused enough as it was, I had an interesting visit today as well. The afternoon was very warm, the sun shining strong and bright across the clear blue sky. The temperature was so high that instead of staying inside and baking like a Thanksgiving Day turkey, I took some mending that needed doing and sat out on the boardwalk. A gentle breeze blew through town, providing relief from the hot sun.

As I sat on the boardwalk steps, a shadow fell across my lap. Feeling my heart start to beat faster, I glanced up to see Lou McCloud, one of the Pony Express riders, standing over me. I was curious as to why she was standing over me. Smiling, I bid her a good afternoon. She returned the greeting and asked if she could sit down.

I was extremely puzzled by her request to sit with me. I had only spoken to Lou one other time and that was a simple hello. As I looked at her face, I could see that she had serious things on her mind.

"How's your hand?" she asked, motioning to the heavy bandage that Miss Sadie had put on to my cut. It had actually taken three stitches to close the gaping wound. I hadn't intended on seeing Doc Barton about it, but Miss Sadie insisted.

I told her that it was still sore, but doing good. Looking at Lou, I could see that she had something specific on her mind, but she was trying to decide how to approach it. She sat with her hands resting in her lap, watching people pass by. But I could see her mind working rapidly.

"Can I ask you a question Mady?" She turned so that she was facing me fully. Sensing the seriousness of her tone, I set my sewing aside. I told her that I would answer anything that I could. Quiet for a moment, she looked up at me with questioning eyes. "Why don't you like Ike and Buck?"

I tell you diary, I nearly fell off the boardwalk. I was so surprised that she would ask something like that when it was so far from the truth. I could feel my mouth hanging open as I stared at her, trying to formulate my thoughts. Blushing profusely, I told her that on the contrary, I liked them very much and asked her how she ever got the idea that I didn't like them.

"Well," she said, looking down at her hands. "Ike says that you refuse to talk to him. You never smile and you seem to avoid him at all costs. Buck says that sometimes you will be cordial to him, smiling when you see him, but other times you won't. And when you were in the store, you acted as if you were offended when Ike wanted to shake your hand." Lou looked up at me, concern on her face. "Buck thinks you don't like them because they are different."

I was so at a loss. I was afraid something like that was going to happen, but I was so helpless to stop it. My shyness was like an albatross around my neck. I could feel my heart ache at the thought of Ike thinking I hated him. If he only knew.....

I tried to explain to Lou the situation at the store, that I had been taken so off guard. I wanted to make sure she knew that I was not the most coordinated person either. They had just surprised me, that was all. I told her that I had tried to explain it even to them in the store, but ended up causing more harm than good.

Lou laughed. "Yeah, I was there when they got back to the bunkhouse. It still smells like lavender in there." Lou watched me closely, listening to everything I said. It made me very nervous to have such undivided attention. But my goal was clear. I had to make her understand that I did and do like both Buck and Ike. But I certainly didn't want her to be able to see just how much.

We talked for a few more minutes, discussing how funny things can get turned around. When she finally left, I felt pretty confident that she understood that my reason was plain and simple....I was cursed. Cursed with shyness. And unfortunately diary, there is no cure.

June 1, 1860

Dear Diary,

The sun has dawned on a new day and I lay sleepless for the second night in a row. I don't know why I can't sleep; it's not like I haven't tried. Miss Sadie has given me every possible remedy that she knows and yet, nothing works.

So instead of laying in bed, I decided to go for a walk. I needed the air. After the fiasco in the store and my talk with Lou, I needed to clear my head. Dressing quickly, and running a quick brush through my long brown curls, I headed out into the cool morning air.

As I stepped out into the fresh new day, I drew deeply on the air. I loved the fresh clean way the air smelled first thing in the morning. Looking up and down the silent streets I wondered which way I should go. There was no one around, all the buildings still slept quietly in the early morning dawn.

Not sure of where I was going, I just started walking. My tiredness pulled heavily on my bones, and yet no sleep would come. I turned my face up to the new morning and felt the first rays of sun on my face as it cascaded across the small town.

I continued to walk, my mind full of images of Ike, his gentle smile, his deep green eyes, his strong well defined body. I had to find a way to talk to him. I could feel my chances slipping away. Another blunder like the one in Thompkin's and I was sure he would never speak to me again.

When I finally realized where I was, I was standing in front of the corral at the Livery. The hostler was in the pen, breaking in a new horse. Watching him run the magnificent creature, I stood in awe of the peaceful beauty of that one man and one animal, trying to coexist. If they could do it, why was it so hard for me to even say hello to the man that I love.

I laid my arms on the top rail of the corral fence. Resting my head against my arms, I continued my silent observation, all the while, thoughts of my love's sweet face filled my heart. That was when I felt the presence next to me.

I turned to see who else was crazy enough to be up at the same unruly hour as I was only to find Ike standing beside me, a smile on his handsome face. I stood up straight, never once taking my eyes off of him. I wondered if I was just dreaming, the lack of two days sleep finally catching up with me. It occurred to me that my poor tired mind could have conjured him up to satisfy my multitude of thoughts.

But I knew that it wasn't just a dream. He was there, and I was simply too tired to run from him anymore. I took a deep breath and turned to face the man of my dreams. "Good morning Ike," I said as I tried to ignore the racing of my heart. With my shoulder resting on the fence railing, I leaned against it, my foot resting on its bottom rung.

He smiled, signing slowly, not sure if I would understand him. ~What are doing up so early?~ I could only understand a little, but it was still enough to make out what he was asking. I smiled, still wondering that myself. "Can't sleep," I told him, shrugging my shoulders.

He laughed. ~Me either~ We stood looking at each other for several minutes, silence passing between us. But it was a comfortable silence. For once, I didn't feel compelled to talk or too nervous to even think. I simply enjoyed his company.

"Listen Ike," I said, looking at my hands. "I'm so sorry about that whole thing at Thompkin's." Smiling, "I'm not that graceful, and you and Buck caught me off guard." I started to look away, but couldn’t. If I gave into the shyness, it would take over. So instead, I looked back into his charming green eyes.

~I know. Lou told me~ he signed, watching me with curious eyes. I knew he had to be wondering why I hadn’t run away yet. Or why I hadn’t broke anything yet. But the fact was, I wasn’t going to. Not anymore.

“Ike!” We both turned when we heard Emma calling his name. “Breakfast!” He looked at me bashfully. I could see that he didn’t want to leave and I felt my heart skip a beat. I watched him as he seemed to be considering something. He looked so handsome, his eyes concentrating on whatever it was that he was thinking about.

~Would you like to go for a ride with me tomorrow evening?~ he signed, watching me closely to see what I would say. I was so completely shocked by his request. I stood staring at him for a minute, loving the look of curiosity that he held on his face. Knowing that there was absolutely nothing that I would rather do, I smiled. “I would love to Ike.”

He looked at me with surprise. “Ike!” Emma called again, her voice cutting through the quiet morning. ~You’re sure?~ I could actually see excitement in his eyes as he looked back to the weigh station. I knew he had to go, but I didn’t want him to leave. “Positive,” I told him. “Pick me up around 5pm.”

His smiled covered his whole face, warming my heart. I couldn’t believe that he had actually asked me. He nodded his head. ~Tomorrow~ and then he was off, running toward the station.

I watched him until he was out of sight, my heart beating so quickly. I was going to be alone with him, out in the countryside. I felt like I was walking on clouds. He had smiled at me the way I had always dreamed he would.

Feeling the weight of two days of missed sleep finally sinking in, I headed back to the dress shop. I walked with my arms crossed over my chest, a big smile on my face. It was going to be a good day. That was, if I didn’t sleep through it.

June 2, 1860

Dear Diary,

I’m so excited, but I’m so nervous. My love will be here in less than 6 hours and my stomach is in knots. I know I shouldn’t be nervous. Ike is gentle and sweet and caring. He would never do anything to harm me in any way. But the thought of being next to him, his strong masculine body, his sweet green eyes, that gentle smile.....well, I just feel weak.

After I got back to the dress shop yesterday morning, I fell instantly into a deep restful sleep. Miss Sadie let me have the day off, allowing me to sleep well into the afternoon and even on into the evening. Later that night, when I told her about my ride with Ike, I believe that she was almost as excited as I am about it. She’s a wonderful lady.

Now as the new day has dawned and a fresh clear sky hangs overhead, I have been doing everything I can to not allow myself get too nervous for my approaching evening. Oh diary, I’ve gone through my dresses a hundred times to make sure that I picked the most flattering. I just hope he likes it.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be a rider for the Pony Express. It seems like such an adventure, riding from town to town, fighting off renegade Indians, avoiding bushwhackers....I can only dream of what it’s like. Maybe Ike will speak of it tonight.

I saw the riders this morning, very early, as they headed through town on their mounts. It’s marvelous to watch them approach, a motlier crew I have not seen. Each rider is so different and yet, they are so perfectly in tune with one another. I’ve seen them all interact during play as well as work and have witnessed the depths of their friendships. I only wish I could have friends like that.

James Butler Hickok is one that is quite fascinating to me. His reputation that has been built, although he shuns it like a disease at times, seems almost like a comfort as well. He has respect, whether from fear or friendship, and that’s something I think he really enjoys. As gossip passes, I once heard that Jimmy’s father was an abolitionist, and a devoted one at that, even if it was at the cost of his family and friends. As it goes, he spent most of his time fighting for the cause, in effect ignoring his youthful son.

I’ve often wondered if that was why Jimmy keeps such a large chip on his shoulder. If he keeps people at a distance, he won’t have to be disappointed by them. The less that he has to care, the less he has to get hurt, and the less ghosts the young man has to carry with him.

A more charming fella I have not met than William F. Cody. His smile and grace are remarkable for such a young man. I’ve heard tale that there is no one that can shoot straighter than Cody. And yet, he is quite a mystery. I’ve often wondered what kind of family life he had growing up to be on his own at such a young age. He’s intelligent and obviously had some schooling, given his interest in reading and such.

But I think there is more to Cody than meets the eye. His flamboyant nature and youthful arrogance makes me wonder if he was lacking in attention, and as such, now craves it where ever he can. But then again, the reverse could be true as well. He had been given a tremendous amount of love and compassion as a youth, allowing him to grow up believing in himself and his abilities.

When I think of Buck, my heart goes out to the handsome Kiowa. He’s led such a rough life, having been rejected to such degrees from all the worlds he has ever known. Though his smile is warm and his laugh is good natured, there is such pain deep down in his eyes. I’m reminded of an animal that has been beat too much, quick to attack if threatened, but wanting desperately to belong.

Kid is even more so a mystery to me than Cody is. Diary, I don’t think anyone really even knows his real name. Not that mystery is a bad thing, but I often wonder what it is that he brings to their close knit group, besides leadership. I think that he has had to grow up quickly, often making him a “leader” of sorts to the rest of the lost souls.

I’m sure that it must be tough for a man of his upbringing in a Southern state, to deal with the unsettling ways of the West. But he seems to have adapted where it was needed. I’ve encountered Kid on several occasions in town and he has always been very polite to me. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something soothing about his calm nature. He didn’t make me as nervous as most of them do and it’s very apparent his love for Lou.

Sometimes I wonder how Lou does it. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to always have to pretend that you are something that you’re not. And yet she does it every day. It’s not that I don’t understand why she does it; I definitely do. It’s tough to be a woman.

I admire Louise McCloud, her guts and determination. She puts herself in a dangerous position everyday, always fearing that someone may find out her secret, so that she can make a better life for herself. She doesn’t let herself be defined by a man, but made her own way in life. My pa would’ve never liked her.

My pa used to always tell me that I would never be nothing without a man. He used to say that women had a place and it was to sit by their husband’s side and look pretty. “A woman don’t need to be heard,” he always used to say. I remember one time, when I was 15, that I tried to tell him that it shouldn’t be that way. I swear diary, he nearly killed me that night. From then on, I guess I learned to keep quiet. The problem is that once you start being quiet, it gets harder and harder to stop.

But some people don’t have that option. My Ike doesn’t speak, and yet he says more in one gesture than I can say in a full conversation. He’s the quiet and loyal companion. From the times that I have seen them all together, it amazes me how much like Buck he is. He’s been hurt and abused by a cruel world that sees people for their differences. But, unlike Buck, Ike still seems to have hope, hope that the world will learn to accept, hope that a person will not be judged solely on their differences, hope for a place to belong and I think he has that with those riders.

To see them individually, they are just people in a world full of people. But together, they are a family, accepted without judgment. It does my heart good to know that it does exist out there, acceptance and understanding. I guess it just takes time to find the way. I’m still hopeful that I will find it some day, despite what my pa always said.

Oh diary, Miss Sadie is gonna kill me if I don’t quit wasting time. It just helps me to tell you my thoughts so I don’t think about how nervous I really am. I just have to remain calm and remember that he wants to be with me tonight. I just hope I don’t make him regret it. Wish me luck!!

June 2, 1860

Dear Diary,

I just got back from my ride with Ike. Oh diary, it was awful. It was a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. The harder I tried to make it right, the less it actually worked. Diary, if it could go wrong, it did.

My heart is broken, my head is sore, and I’m fairly sure that I will never see my Ike again. My pa was right; I am worthless. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow diary, all the horrific details. Right now, the only thing I want to do is cry. Oh diary, why am I such a fool......!!

June 3, 1860

Dear Diary,

I woke up early this morning, my eyes puffy and swollen from my sobs of sorrow last night. Miss Sadie seems to think that I’m over reacting, but I don’t think that is so. She wasn’t there. She didn’t see what a fool I made of myself. She doesn’t know the things I did.

It started out so perfect too. I had finally decided on my peach colored dress. It’s one that Miss Sadie made for me when I first arrived in Rock Creek. Diary, it’s so beautiful. It has this soft peach lace at the cuffs of the sleeves and small peach buttons on the bodice of the dress. Miss Sadie said it brings out the green in my hazel eyes.

She had helped me with my hair, pulling up the long curls and putting them in a comb. She said I needed to keep it off my face so he could see how pretty I was. I tell ya diary, I don’t know about that, but it did look pretty all up like that, with long loose curls hanging in the back. I had never seen myself dressed up like that before and it was kind of strange. Pa never would let me have such things as pretty dresses or fancy combs. He always said I was good for nothing so I didn’t need it. Oh how I wish he could have seen me yesterday.

Once I was ready, I waited in the dress shop, sitting in a chair with my hands folded in my lap. I swear diary, I feared that I would faint. Just the thought of Ike wanting to be with me made my heart race. As I looked at my pocket watch for the hundredth time in a span of ten minutes, I heard a knock at the door, and I froze. I sat wide eyed as a second knock was made.

Miss Sadie came in the room, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Madelyn, you must relax. Ike’s a sweet boy. He isn’t gonna bite.” She smiled at me with a mother’s love. Taking a deep breath, I made my way to the door. I could see his outline through the lace panel curtain and knew it was gonna be a good night. But I should have known better.

When I pulled open the door, I was greeted by a bright charming smile. There was a twinkle in his clear green eyes. Oh diary, I was in awe. He was dressed in a dark jacket with a thin black ribbon tie. His crisp white shirt was a definite contrast to the tanned skin of his neck. He had his red bandanna on while he held his hat in his hands. And his smile.....well, diary his smile.....I felt weak in the knees.

I watched as his eyes trailed over my body before meeting back with my gaze. Putting his hat back on his head, he signed smoothly with slow, graceful movements. ~You look beautiful~ Well as you can imagine diary, I instantly began to blush, feeling my cheeks burning red.

“You looked very handsome Ike,” I managed to say. But I tell you diary, I have no idea where it came from. I didn’t think; it just kind of came out. I guess I finally let my heart speak for once. And it was so adorable. He blushed himself, looking bashfully at the ground. With a grand smile, he held out his arm to me, motioning toward the wagon he had brought. Seeing the wagon, I felt relieved. I hadn’t even thought of how I was gonna get on a horse in my dress. But he had thought ahead....my angel.

As we walked to the wagon, I felt as if half of Rock Creek was standing along the streets, watching us. I could feel the eyes probing, and began to get nervous. Glancing toward Ike, I couldn’t help but smile at the way he held his head up high as if proud to be seen with me.

After helping me into the wagon, we headed off out of town. I had no idea where we were going, but I knew Ike did. As we passed by the jailhouse, Sam and Emma stood on the boardwalk, arm in arm. I could see them watching us, smiles on their faces. Sam tipped his hat to me as he pulled Emma tightly to his side, quietly talking as we passed. I wasn’t sure what that was about, but there was nothing critical in their gazes, only happiness.

Once the town was behind us, I realized just how close I was sitting to the man of my dreams, and felt my whole body tense. I had never gone anywhere with a boy before so I was terribly unsure of how to act. As my nervousness set in more and more, I began to ramble on, either asking Ike all kinds of questions or carrying on about mending clothes and making dresses which I knew was something he would care nothing about, but I was helpless to stop it. It was either one extreme or the other with me, no in between.

Ike must have sensed that my relentless rattling was due to nervousness. As if to easy my tension, he took my hand in his, resting it on his thigh. I instantly froze in mid-sentence, never having suspected such a gesture. I glanced toward him, my eyes wide with surprise, only to see him staring at the road ahead, a comfortable smile on his handsome face.

We sat like that for a while, simply enjoying the scenery that passed as well as each other’s company. I tried to concentrate on the beautiful countryside, but my mind kept going back to my hand in his. I loved the way his skin felt against mine, our hands seeming to be a perfect fit.

He pulled the horses to a stop near a large grassy field. I could hear a small stream babbling off somewhere close and could see the start of a small wooded area in the distance. He looked at me and smiled, releasing my hand and climbing out of the wagon. I stood to follow him, only to see him with his arms held up to me, waiting to help me from the wagon.

I felt as if I were walking on clouds; in a dream that I never wanted to wake up from. I moved forward, placing my hands on his shoulders as he laid his on my waist. As he tightened his grip, he moved his hands in just the wrong way, grabbing my ticklish spot. Startled, I squealed with laughter, having completely forgotten just how ticklish I really was.

Oh diary, you should have seen it. When I cried out, I must have spooked the horses because they jerked forward. The sudden movement caught me off guard and sent me tumbling forward. I felt myself falling and the worst part was, I was taking Ike down with me. He hit the dirt first, landing on his back with a thud, and I followed right behind. Oh diary, it gets worse. I didn’t just land in the dirt though. I landed right on top of him, my whole body crashing into his.

Once we landed, I looked up at his face, still lying right on top of him with my hands on his chest. I could see him laughing as he tried to catch his breath. I tell you diary, I was mortified. I jumped up as quickly as I could, grabbing his arm to pull him up as well. I tried to dust him off, the dirt covering his handsome black jacket.

He put his hands up to stop me from swatting at his coat, his face full of amusement. ~It’s all right. It can be cleaned. But are you okay?~ He searched my face for some sort of recognition of my well being. I was so stunned. I had knocked him down, covered him in dirt and yet, he was more concerned about me.

I just shook my head yes as I stared into his brilliant green eyes. I could see so much compassion in that man, even after all he had been through in his life. He held no grudges with it, only seeming to live for the moment.

He brushed a stray stand of hair that had fallen from my comb out of my eyes, allowing his fingers to linger along the side of my face. Oh diary, the moment his fingers touched my skin I felt as if lightning had struck me, my heart bursting with joy. If God had chosen to take me at that moment diary, I swear I would have died a happy woman, if nothing else than to just feel his touch one time.

He took my hand and led me through the knee high green grass as we made our way to the small stream. It was such a breathtaking spot. The stream ran through the valley at an angle, smoothly flowing on its merry way. Small flowers dotted the banks of the stream and the beginnings of the forest were just to our right. It seemed so untouched.

“Oh Ike, it’s beautiful,” I said as I let go of his hand, walking closer to see the soothing stream. The sun hung lazily on the horizon as another day was coming to a close. As I scanned the area around the stream, a small daisy was put right into my line of vision. I had been so enthralled in the magnificent surroundings, that it wasn’t until that moment that I felt Ike’s closeness behind me. I could almost feel his breath on my bare neck.

I took the flower, turning to face him. ~Not nearly as beautiful as you~ I nearly fainted as he took in every detail of my face. Oh diary, I was so at a loss. I didn’t know what to think. Only that I knew I loved him more than I had ever loved anything in my life, even if it was only my first time even being that near to him.

I took one step back, turning my face bashfully toward the ground. That’s when I felt myself begin to fall. I guess I must have misjudged my stance because as I stepped back, my foot slipped down the small embankment. With lightning quick reflexes, Ike grabbed hold of my waist, pulling me back toward him. Oh diary, if he only wouldn’t have grabbed my ticklish side.

As he pulled me back to him, I began to squirm, absolutely helpless not to. It was strange the way it happened. As he pulled me back on the bank, he turned just enough to his side that when I began to squirm, it was his foot that went right off the small embankment. He landed with a splash on his bottom in the slow moving stream.

I stood on the banks, my face frozen in horror, my hands pressed to my lips. “Oh dear Lord,” I had thought to myself, watching him as he slowly pulled himself from the stream. His bottom was soaked, as well as his legs and feet and his arms up to his elbows where he had tried to catch himself.

I stumbled quickly forward, offering my hand as he pulled himself out of the stream. He stood before me, a playful smile on his face as I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket. Diary, I had no idea what I was even doing at that point. I just patted at his hands and coat sleeves, apologizing profusely over and over. I’m not even sure what all I said, the only thing I could hear was my pa’s voice creeping through my mind.

“See Mady, I told ya you were worthless. You can’t even go for a simple ride without making a mess of it. You’re stupid, no one’s ever gonna want a useless whore like you.” I tried to shake his awful drunken voice out of my mind as I paced back and forth. That’s when I felt Ike’s hands grab me by my shoulders, turning me to face him.

I knew I must have looked like a fool to him, but he was amazing. Even after knocking him in the dirt and then the stream, he still smiled. ~At least now my coat’s clean~ I was baffled by his casualness. Despite my thoughts of terror, I laughed, feeling so comfortable with that amazing man. I watched as he took my hand in his, bringing it to his lips and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. ~I think we might want to get back before it gets dark. Or before my pants freeze to me~ He opened his hand as if feeling the cool gentle evening breeze that was blowing in.

He put his arm around my shoulder and led me back to the wagon. I felt so embarrassed by the whole afternoon. I couldn’t believe what I had managed to do in such a short time span. And even though he seemed unphased by it all, I knew he had to be wondering why he had ever asked me to join him in the first place.

We rode back to town without incident. I tried to stay in my spot as not to cause anymore accidents. Again, he took my hand in his, only this time gently rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand. I could feel my heart in my throat at his comforting gesture. My only thought was that he must have felt sorry for me for being so unbelievably clumsy.

The darkness of the evening had fully settled in as we entered town. Few people were on the boardwalks, the only real business being in the saloon. We passed by all the sleeping buildings before stopping in front of the dress shop. As he jumped down from the wagon, he took my hand this time, placing his other hand on my back as I climbed down. He wasn’t gonna take anymore chances, I was sure.

He walked me to the door and we both shuffled our feet nervously. I thought of the incident in the dress shop as well as the whole afternoon and looked nervously down the street. I knew he had to be glad that it was almost over, the disaster known as Mady. As I looked toward the livery, I heard a creak in the boardwalk near me. I turned quickly to see what it was and......

*SMACK* ........collided my forehead right into his.

I stepped back, my hands flying to my head as white spots covered my vision. I could hear Ike gasping as he stepped back in the opposite direction. As my vision began to clear, I could see him holding his head in both hands, shaking it from side to side. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I knew he had to be silently cursing me, the way my pa always used to.

Horrified to see the same look of disgust I had seen so often from men in my life, I opened the door quickly and disappeared inside, slamming it closed behind me. I felt all my hope gone and my heart bleeding from sorrow. Why did I always have to screw everything up? As I ran up the stairs, I could hear a faint knock on the door but I didn’t look back. I ran straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. My life was over.

As I lay here in bed now, thinking back to last nights events, I at least know that I will always be able to see Ike’s face in my mind....the sweet way he had looked at me when I had opened the door, the way he had laughed when I had knocked him in the dirt, the bashful glance as we stood on the boardwalk....even if I never see him again.

I know Miss Sadie has a full day scheduled for today so I had better get down stairs before she comes hollering. Oh diary, even though I may never see my Ike again, I at least know what it is like to feel special....even if it was for only one afternoon.

June 4, 1860

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I could have asked for a more perfect day. The sun shone brightly in a clear blue sky. The day was warm, but a soft breeze crept through our small town making for perfectly marvelous weather. And if that wasn’t enough.....I spent the whole day with Ike. Oh diary, I can’t stop smiling.

It was so unexpected too. After the disaster of our ride, I was certain that he would never want to see me again. But thankfully, I had over-reacted like Miss Sadie had said.

He came to the shop early in the afternoon. I was busy working on Miss Benson’s wedding dress when I heard a knock at the shop door. I was puzzled because no one ever knocks on the shop door, most just come in. As I pulled the door open, I was met with a big bouquet of wild flowers thrust forward in a stiff arm.

Ike stood before me with a mischievous grin, holding the flowers as far away from his body as he could. With his eyes, he gestured to the flowers, playfully flinching when I moved. It took me a moment to realize his jest at my clumsiness. I couldn’t help but laugh.

~Can you go for a walk? I thought that would be safer.~ His smile lit up his whole face, a sparkle in his amazing green eyes. Playfully, I slapped his arm before burying my face in the marvelous assortment of flowers, inhaling deeply. I motioned for him to come in while I put the flowers in some water.

Miss Benson stood in front of the mirror, admiring the work that Miss Sadie and I had down on her gown. “It looks wonderful Mady,” she said, turning side to side. “Just wonderful.” She turned to me and placed her hands on my cheeks. “Thank you child.” With that, she left to change.

I felt my cheeks burn from her praise, something I still found hard to accept. Gathering up my sewing tools, I turned to Ike brushing the hair out of my face. He sat across the room watching everything I did. When he saw me look at him, he only smiled blushing lightly himself. Oh diary, it was so sweet.

After telling Miss Sadie that I was done for the day, Ike and I walked out onto the boardwalk in front of the shop. I inhaled deeply on the afternoon air, enjoying the feel of the breeze on my face. I knew my hair was a mess and my clothes were less than perfect for spending time with Ike, but he didn’t seem to mind. “I must admit I am surprised to see you here today,” I said, trying to quiet the rapid beating of my heart.

He looked at me with consideration. ~Why?~ As I fumbled for something to say, I felt his fingers on my forehead. He brushed at a loose strand of hair that hung in my eyes, a smile on his face. ~That piece always likes to fall~

I was captivated, frozen to where I stood. My heart raced to loudly, I thought it would make me deaf and yet, I heard nothing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. “I....um, well I thought that you probably wouldn’t.....um,” I said, trying to find the right words. Ike looked at me with a puzzled expression. “I didn’t think you would want to see me after our ride.” I was terrified of what he would say.

I looked at the ground in front of me, my hands fidgeting with a loose thread that hung from my skirt. Ike bent down, trying to catch my gaze. He put his finger under my chin, lifting my head up until we were eye to eye. ~Why would you think that?~

I started to stumble. “Well, you know....because I’m so clumsy. I ruined your coat, and knocked ya down,” I said, feeling my face on fire. My breathing was ragged, and my lips felt so dry. “And because of...you know, hitting our heads.”

I wanted to run and hide, I wanted to crawl in a hole, the embarrassment still so strong. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want to be.......As my thoughts raced in a hundred directions, trying to figure out how to make him understand, I felt his fingers gently turning my face toward him. As I came face to face with him, it was only then that I realized just how close he was to me.

Oh diary, I could feel his breath on my lips, see the desire in his eyes as he searched my face. For what, I don’t know. But diary, it was the single most beautiful moment in my life. He licked his lips in anticipation, drawing even more close to me. The fingers that were resting on my cheek were replaced with his palm, gently cupping my face. His callused thumb softly caressed my skin, sending chills through my body.

He pulled me even closer, our lips separated only by the faintest of winds. I knew I was holding my breath, but could do nothing to let it go. I wanted that kiss more than I had wanted anything in my life. I tell ya diary, I thought for sure I was going to faint. As if unable to wait any longer, Ike pressed his lips to mine and the world around us disappeared.

Nothing else existed, but that kiss. He took my bottom lip into his mouth, gently nuzzling it as his hand disappeared into my dark curls. Tilting my head ever so slightly, he deepened our kiss, his tongue caressing my lips as if requesting permission to enter. Obligingly, I parted them, allowing his tongue to intertwine with mine in a lover’s dance.

Diary, I swear my toes felt like they were on fire. Passion so intense coursed through my body that I felt as if I couldn’t breath. I never wanted that kiss to end, and yet, I had to pull away. I gasped for breath, my fingers immediately drawn to my tingling lips.

Ike slowly opened his eyes, and I saw a hunger that burned deep. And for the first time, I realized that his hunger was for me. For me, diary....can you believe it? I smiled, my cheeks burning red. He had stirred feelings in me that I didn’t even know existed.

He took a deep breath and adjusted his shoulders, smiling at me with a lop -sided grin. He brought the hand that had buried itself in my curls back to my cheek, placing one more soft kiss on my lips before pulling my tightly to his chest. Oh diary, I wanted to pinch myself. I was sure I had to be dreaming.

Holding me tightly, he kissed my forehead before laying his cheek against mine. I could feel the rapid beating of his heart as he pressed his chest to mine. I could smell his manly scent, a mixture of soap, earth, and wind. And I sighed heavily, enjoying the safety that I felt in his arms.

As he pulled back, he looked my face over one more time before offering me his arm. I was in complete awe, simply following where he led. I think if he had led me to the ends of the earth at that moment, I would followed right along with him. “Where we going?” I croaked, surprised by the unsteady sound of my voice. Clearing my throat, I smiled and looked bashfully at the boardwalk in front of us.

~It’s a surprise~ He signed in his smooth fluid motions, and with that, said no more. We simply walked, enjoying each others company as we strolled casually down the boardwalk.

We spent all the rest of the afternoon together. Ike had one of the riders, I think Buck but he never would say for certain, set up a picnic for us out near the north end of town by the livery. Oh diary, it was a marvelous afternoon. I’m not sure if it was the kiss or the fact that I had already done pretty much everything there was to do to embarrass myself, but I felt so completely comfortable with him this time.

We talked all afternoon about anything and everything that came to mind. Ike talked about the riders and attending the mission school. He talked of Emma and how much he cared for her. He even talked of his parents murder, his eyes so completely trusting. Diary, I just can’t explain how much it meant to me to have him open up to me the way he did. I’ve never felt so close to anyone before.

After we had finished with our picnic, we walked up North Hill road and found a pleasant spot where we could sit and watch the sun set. Diary, my trusted friend, it was the most spectacular sunset I have ever seen. As the sun was making it’s decent, it cast glorious colors all over the sky. I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by it’s intricate beauty. We sat side by side, our hands intertwined tightly. I rested my head on his shoulder, loving every minute that I got to be so close to him.

Once the sun had completely gone behind the horizon, we made our way back to the dress shop, hand in hand. I felt as if I were walking on clouds. I didn’t want the evening to end, and for once diary, I knew that it wasn’t. It was a beginning and it was only going to get better. It was just the beginning of what was yet to come.......

June 6, 1860

Dear Diary,

Isn’t it amazing how quickly things can change. Not more than a week ago, I would have never dreamed I would ever talk to Ike McSwain. If you had told me anything to the contrary, I would have said you were mad. But now, here I am, spending afternoons with him, holding hands with him, kissing him. I tell ya diary, it makes me weak just thinking of his soft playful kisses.

Oh diary, he’s everything I ever dreamed he would be and yet, nothing I ever expected. He’s so caring and so passionate about life, and he’s so smart too. I guess it comes from all the reading he does. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that he would like to read, but it just never did. I thought books were only for those that wanted to hide away from people. Being a quiet person my whole life, books were something I lived in. They were my place to get away from the perils of my waking world. So did Ike.

I guess I never realized that he had such hardships in his life that he had hid away from too. He just always seemed so friendly and outgoing; always playing around with the other riders. He’s so quick to lend a hand and always the first to give a smile to anyone that needs it. He’s amazing, diary. But he has seen much more than a young man his age should. He hasn’t told me much of his childhood, except for Buck. But I think there are things that he has lived with that a lot less stronger people would never have been able to face.

Diary, I swear I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think of the way he looks at me, always full of wonder and joy. I can’t imagine what he thinks about; I know I’m not much to look at. But he always makes he feel like I’m the only one that matters.

Just yesterday, we went up on North Hill, to wait for the sun to set. I had taken my book of poetry that Miss Sadie gave me when I first arrived in Rock Creek. We were sitting on a blanket under the big Oak tree that sits on the hill and I was reading some of my favorite poems to him.

Right in the middle of the one about Springtime, I stopped, having felt his eyes fixed so intently on me. I tell ya diary, as I looked up into those amazing green eyes, I felt breathless. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breath...I could only stare into the most understanding and caring eyes I had ever known. A gentle smile crossed his handsome face as he reached up to brush that one piece of hair that always picks the most inopportune moments to hang in my eyes.

As his hand touched my skin, I couldn’t help but close my eyes, enjoying the feel of his touch. He ran his fingers along the side of my face before letting them trail down my arm. Taking my hand in his, he placed a gentle kiss on my palm before intertwining his fingers with mine.

Diary, my dear friend, I never imagined that life could be this good. Miss Sadie is so happy for us. She tells me all the time that she had never seen me look so happy. I always tell her that it’s because I haven’t ever been. Why, she even lets me leave early on days when Ike comes to call. I think it was her that told Ike that my birthday was coming up in a week, but he won’t say.

Ike told me today that Emma wants me to come to the bunkhouse for supper. Says she wants a chance to get to know me. I nearly fainted when he asked me if I would. The thought of that many people, Emma and Sam and Teaspoon and all the riders, made my palms start to sweat. I am such a fool when I got nervous; Ike can attest to that.

But Ike was so sweet. He took me in his arms and held me closely to his chest. He told me that I didn’t have anything to worry about because he was going to be right there with me, right by my side. As much as the thought of having supper at the bunkhouse panicked me, the hopeful look on Ike’s handsome face melted my heart. I mean, how could I say no to him.

Besides, the riders have always been extremely nice to me whenever I see them. Lou was real friendly when I talked with her about Ike, and Emma is so warm and kind, I can’t imagine her ever doing anything to hurt another human being. And Buck always seems to go out of his way to be nice to me and.........And the fact of the matter was that no matter how I tried to talk myself into it, the simple truth was that I would do it, if for no other reason than because Ike wanted me to.

So diary, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes tomorrow night. I know I am going to be nervous, but with Ike by my side, I’m beginning to think I can accomplish anything. Well, at least dinner with the riders......I hope.

June 7, 1860

Dear Diary,

I sit here, staring at the moon and can’t help wondering what it’s like up there. The sky is so infinite and grand with stars as far as the eye can see. I know that we will never know for sure, but I still can’t help wondering. You know diary, it’s strange how you can see something one way for so long, and have it turn out to be so different; just like tonight.

What a marvelous evening it was diary. Emma and the riders are so wonderful. I don’t think I have ever felt so welcomed and comfortable anywhere before. They were not at all like I had expected. Well, except for Buck. I already knew how nice he was.

It was another afternoon of rifling through my clothes, trying to find the perfect attire. I wanted so badly to make a good impression. So dressed in a white fitted blouse and an emerald green skirt, I waited for my Ike to arrive.

Everyday since we went on our ride, Ike has brought me flowers. Oh diary, he’s so thoughtful. And today was no different. When he arrived to the shop around 6pm, he was armed with a glorious bouquet. I told him that he didn’t have to keep bringing them to me. But he said he wanted to; wanted me to know how special he thinks I am. Diary, I swear I nearly fainted.

We walked to the bunkhouse, arm in arm. I was so nervous. I guess he must have been able to tell. Kissing me softly on the cheek, he told me not to worry, signing that they would love me just as much as he did. Did you hear that diary? ....As much as he does.

When he said that, I practically stopped, looking at him with a shocked expression. He was so handsome, blushing slightly and looking at the ground in front of him. I felt my heart swell with love. I mean I knew I loved him from the moment I stepped off the stage. But to hear him say it....well, to imply it...was more magnificent than I had ever dreamed possible.

When we got to the bunkhouse, Buck was waiting for us outside. “You look very pretty Mady,” he said shyly, his smooth tan skin taking on a slight pink tone. After we talked for several minutes, Ike motioned for us to head in. I took a deep breath, my heart racing so fast, as I stared at the door.

Ike took my hand and kissed it gently. “Don’t worry,” Buck said smiling. He knew how nervous I was. “It’s gonna be fun.” Diary, he was so right. I had the greatest time AND I only had one minor mishap. Although that one was kind of funny and completely not my fault.

After all the comfortable welcomes, we sat down to a wonderful meal. Everyone made quite an effort to make me feel at home. Sitting between Ike and Lou, I felt like the center of attention for most of the night. Questions were asked about my work and family, about where I grew up and why I came to Rock Creek.

I’m not sure how they knew when I began to feel more comfortable, but they seemed to allow the conversation to move away from me, which I was grateful for. Instead, I was entertained by Cody’s latest adventure or Jimmy’s latest battle. Lou talked of Kid and their recent trip to St. Joseph. Emma carried on about times when the riders first came to The Pony Express. I tell ya diary, I didn’t know that people could be like that.

All through dinner, I could see Ike stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye. He would smile bashfully before returning his gaze to whomever was speaking at that moment. It made me feel so special the way he would look at me, full of hope and wonder.

It was Ike that caused my one and only mishap of the evening, but truthfully diary, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. We had just finished dinner. Emma was clearing the dishes from the table to prepare for desert. We were all sitting around the table, discussing the new horse that Teaspoon had just purchased. I was sitting with my hand in my lap, reaching for my glass of water when I felt someone’s hand wrapping itself around mine, our fingers intertwining.

I was so startled by the gesture, thought I knew it to be Ike even before I looked. It wasn’t like it was the first time he had ever held my hand, but I guess it was the smooth way he slid his hand across mine, so lovingly. What a sweet look on his face, his eyes sparkling like pale emeralds.

I was so entranced with his charming smile that I didn’t even notice that I had knocked my water glass clean off the table until Cody jumped from the table. He shrieked at the coolness of the liquid as it covered the front of his pants. Laughter erupted from around the room. I actually think Cody might have been mad if it hadn’t been for Ike’s blazing red face and my look of surprise. Instead, he only laughed, grabbing the towel that Emma offered to him.

After dinner, we sat around the table and talked for a little while longer as Teaspoon recounted many adventures of his life in the Texas Rangers. I tell ya diary, it was so neat to hear all those tales of adventure, always wondering if what he was saying was real or not. But what I found the most interesting was the way in which the riders sat so attentive, hanging on Teaspoon’s every word. I’ve never seen that kind of interaction between men before, especially not from my pa.

As conversations turned to yawns, I decided I had better get back to the shop. Ike has the early run in the morning so I didn’t want to keep him up too late. Good-byes were exchanged with me, along with requests for me to not be such a stranger since I live so close. Emma made a special point to invite me to supper against whenever I was free. “You’re always welcome here,” she had said, taking my hands in hers and squeezing them gently.

When Ike and I left the bunkhouse, we took our time getting back to the dress shop. The evening was glorious, so warm with a cool gentle breeze. Ike offered me his arm to which I gladly accepted, wrapping my arms tightly around his and laying my head on his shoulder as we walked quietly down the deserted main street of Rock Creek.

Oh diary, all my life I’ve dreamed of feeling the way I feel right now. Ike is the kindest, sweetest man I have ever met. I finally feel like I belong somewhere and that I deserve this happiness. Miss Sadie seems to think I do. But that was something pa always made sure to take away from me. He was never happy and seemed to try his damnedest to make me as miserable as he was. But then came Ike....and everything changed.

June 10, 1860

Dear Diary,

What a troubling day. My head is pounding and my fingers are raw from the numerous times I stabbed myself with a needle. I never realized just how many people want to marry in June. You know diary, people are fickle, aren’t they? I remember last week wishing so hard that we would get some business. I was tired of being bored and trying to find things to do. Now, I only pray for it to stop. What a nightmare.

It’s not the new fittings that I mind so much. It’s so fun to see the looks of wonder and happiness as the soon to be brides first start to vision what their new dresses will look like. It’s so wonderful to help them pick the fabrics and the colors and create this image of what they will have when I am finished making it for them.

No, it’s not the new dresses that I mind. It’s those dresses that we have already been working on that are the real pain. People always want to change their minds, like it’s an easy task to completely start over when the wedding is a mere week away. Take Miss Jensen for example. Diary, I’ve been finishing Miss Jensen’s dress for nearly a month, making sure that every single tiny detail is taken care of. I was nearly done with it too, and it is marvelous if I do say so myself.

Today, Miss Jensen came in to see my progress and to have a final fitting. What a disaster. I guess it must be her nervousness as the wedding draws near, but I could barely get the dress to button around her waistline. Two weeks ago, it fit perfectly. Of course she blamed me, ranting and raving that it was my fault her dress didn’t fit. She said I must have fitted her wrong before, yelling at me that I was trying to give her a nervous breakdown by ruining her dress. Oh diary, I tried to be as nice as I could be, working reverently to let the seam out. But I’ll tell you what diary, if she continues on the way she is, she’ll never fit that gown.

What really hurt my feelings was that her dress is my first attempt at making a dress completely by myself. Miss Sadie felt it was time for me to try my hand and see just exactly what I could do. And I am so proud of that dress. But Miss Jensen made it seem as if I were the worst seamstress alive.

What made it even worse was the intense heat that we experienced today. I don’t know where it came from either. The last couple of days have been marvelous, always carrying a cool breeze in the hottest part of the day. But today, there was nothing but sweltering heat. The dress shop felt like an Indian sweat house.

And to top everything off, Ike is out of town. Oh diary, I miss him so much. He only left the night before last with Cody and Buck, but I miss him like it’s been years. He said he had to help Teaspoon take care of some business in a small town south of Rock Creek called Jessup. He didn’t say what type of business their were needed for, although he mentioned that it had something to do with some ranchers there. I knew I didn’t have a right to pursue it; I mean we are just courtin’. But all day, I’ve had such a bad feeling diary and I can’t quite place my finger on why. I just hope he is safe.

When I was a child, my ma left one day, saying that she needed to go take care of some business and she wouldn’t tell me where she was going. I was only 6 at the time, but I knew I didn’t have a right to press my ma. I knew that she would do what was right, but from the moment the wagon pulled away from our house, I knew something wasn’t right. That was the last I ever saw of my ma.

Pa said that it was my fault that ma never came back. He said that if I had been a decent child, she wouldn’t have had reason to leave. Pa always blamed me; said I took away his only happiness. To this day, I still don’t know what happened to my ma. But I dream of her sometimes. In my mind and in my heart, I pretend that she ran off to be a dancer in one of those fancy shows and that she’s somewhere glamorous, living in fancy hotels and having a good life.

I don’t blame ma for leaving. Everyone needs to be happy in life. I guess ma just wasn’t happy. The only thing I wish was that I could have said goodbye; could have told her how much I loved her. And I wish that pa wouldn’t have blamed me.

Oh diary, I wish Ike was here right now. We could sit out under the bright summer moon and talk about the wonders of the world. Ike’s a dreamer just like me. Together I believe that there is just no telling what we can accomplish. But first, I just want him back in my arms. And I want this horrible knot in my stomach to go away.

June 12, 1860

Dear Diary,

I know it’s silly for me to worry. Ike’s a grown man. he’s fully capable of taking care of himself. He’s strong and cautious. And he is with Teaspoon, Buck and Cody. So why is it that I can’t make this awful feeling that I have in the pit of my stomach go away?

When Ike left three days ago, he had told me that it wouldn’t take them very long. He said that Teaspoon’s friend, the Marshall in Jessup, was having a small problem with some ranchers that lived just outside of his town. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Ike seemed happy for the change of pace, although he was sad that we would be apart. Oh dairy, it was so amazing the way that he held me in his arms, kissing me softly on my temple.

But he had told me that night that he would be back yesterday, today at the very latest. Now here is it near midnight and still no word from Ike or the others. I went to see Emma earlier today and although she tried to hide it, I could see that was is worried too. She said that Sam had left early this morning to take care of some business in Jessup, but I know he is going to check on them. I can just feel it.

The fact that they aren’t back yet isn’t what has me worried the most. Don’t get me wrong diary, I’m still concerned that they aren’t back yet. But it was a conversation that I overheard on my way to the station house that really upset me. I was walking past the saloon when I overheard two men talking about Jessup and the trouble that the small town had been having as of late. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I nearly plum fainted when one of the men began talking about a gun battle that had erupted in the center of the town earlier today.

No diary, I am well aware of the fact that I shouldn’t be eavesdropping. I also now that I can’t put much stock into the conversation between two drunken men. But what if something has happened? I miss Ike so much it aches me to my very core. I miss his smile and his gentle eyes. I miss his kiss and comforting touch. I just can’t even begin to think what I would do if something happens to him.

Sitting here on my window sill, I can see out into the vastness of the land around Rock Creek. The moon is so bright tonight, casting it’s celestial glow on everything it touches. In my heart I know Ike is all right. he has to be. But that won’t this persistent knot in the pit of my stomach. I just want my Ike back, safe in my arms.....

June 13, 1860

Dear Diary,

It's been five days now since Ike left and still no word. Diary, I don't know what to do. At one point today, I was determined to ride out after them, try to find them myself. But Jimmy caught me in the livery, pleading with me to come to my senses. He said that I didn't have the slightest clue where to begin, which I knew was absolutely true. But it makes me crazy not doing anything.

At first I was furious that he would try and stop me. My first thought was why wasn't he doing anything to help find them. But the more Jimmy talked, fidgeting with his gun belt, I could tell he was just as worried as I am.

I hadn't realized how hard this whole thing must be on Jimmy and the other riders. Not only were Jimmy, Lou and Kid worried about their missing friends, but the three of them were having to cover all the rides in the other's absence. To top it all off, I could see the deep concern in Jimmy's eyes when he spoke of Emma. I knew she had to be in terrible shape since she was missing, not only her riders, but Sam as well.

Miss Sadie has been a Godsend. With the increase in business we have had lately, the work has been nonstop. But knowing my worry, she let me work in the back room today, doing designs and alterations rather than dealing with anyone face to face. Diary, you can't even imagine how much this helped me not having to see the looks of pity that the women give me. Gossip, in a small town, spreads like a brush fire on a windy day. Seems everyone has heard, not only that Ike and I are courtin', but that Teaspoon and the riders are missing.

I swear diary, if one more person pats my hand and tells me not to worry, that it's all right, I think I will scream. It's not all right. It can't be all right or else my Ike would be back by now. If it were all right, I wouldn't have this sinking feeling in my stomach. If it were all right, Ike and I would be sitting up on North Hill, his arms wrapped around me tightly, as we watch the sun set.

But we are not. Instead, I am sitting here by my window, watching the shadows begin to fall over the quiet town as night once again takes over. The last remnants of sunlight cast an eerie glow as the darkness emerges from the shadows. There are only a few souls wondering the deserted streets of Rock Creek, save for a small group of riders following a wagon entering town limits.

The moon is already shining brightly even though dusk had only just settled in. I can see the small group of travelers as they come to a stop in front of the jail and my heart goes out to them. Though I cannot make out their faces, they move with the slowness of men who have ridden long and hard. From my vantage point, I can see two of their companions in the back of the wagon. From the lack of movement diary, I would fear the worst for those poor souls.

Oh diary, it scares me to see things like this right now. A month ago, I never would have thought about it, having gotten use to the loss of life in the unruly ways of the West. But now, I can't help feeling terribly shaken, hoping and praying that I will not see the riders coming in that way, that I will not see my Ike lying in the back of a wagon like that. I just want him back with me.

The two strangers in the back of the wagon are moving about, which surprises me, though I am glad. Their movements are slow, but nevertheless, they can move. One of the strangers is favoring his leg badly, limping as he eases himself from the wagon. From here diary, I would almost swear that it was Buck, long black hair spilling around his shoulders.

Oh God diary, what if it is them? Watching the second stranger struggling to get out of the wagon, I can see that his movements are even more guarded, as if nursing more serious wounds. I tell you diary, my heart is beating so fast I'm afraid that it will burst. If only I could see some familiar gesture or movement that would tell me if it really was Ike.

The stranger made it out of the wagon, but one of the others had to catch him as he collapsed forward, unable to stand on his shaky legs. I feel like a nosey busybody, watching them the way that I am. But I can't help it. I just need something to keep my mind occupied; I just need to know if it's them. Oh diary, he must be able to feel me staring at him because he's turning his haggard gaze to me and.......Oh God diary, it IS Ike.

June 14, 1860

Dear Diary,

Isn’t it amazing how, in the blink of an eye, your life can be turned upside down. Sitting here beside Ike’s bed, I can see the sun climbing it’s way up into the sky. A soft cool breeze in blowing in from the farthest reaches of the night, seeking shelter from the warmth of the rising sun. There is a quietness that fills the air of the bunkhouse that is as comforting as it is deafening. Yet the only sound I can hear is the soft purr of Ike’s breath as he sleeps quietly in front of me.

Oh diary, when I saw Ike collapse after he got out of the wagon last night, I felt as if I couldn't breath. I felt the world around me dissolve and my only thought was..."please God, don't take him away from me." For a few seconds, I couldn’t move, frozen with horror. But it was my heart that screamed out in pain for Ike that finally had me racing out the door. Ripping the dress shop door open. I could see the startled looks on their faces as their hands twitched toward their guns.

Sam tried to catch me before I barreled toward Ike, wanting to prepare me for what I was to see. But he was too late. From where we stood, I could see Ike’s eyes flutter, rolling back behind his eyelids. He leaned heavily against Cody for everything that he was worth; Cody bearing the weight for both of them. I called out Ike’s name, complete terror seizing my every muscle and nerve.

Diary my friend, it was as if my voice cut through the murkiness that held his mind. His eyes came back into focus as he raised his lolling head, his mind struggling to wrap itself around my voice. Even with everything that he had been through, he was able to muster a smile for me, looking at me as if I were the most important thing in the world. He reached out to me, pulling from Cody’s grip, as his eyes searched my face.

Tears fell unchecked as I took hold of Ike’s dirt covered hand. Bruises covered his face, his right eye a grizzly black and blue. A split ran down his bottom lip still caked with dried blood. But it was the large dark stain on his usually crisp white shirt that caused my heart to jump into my throat.

It was as if Ike could read my mind. Feeling him gently squeeze my hand, I met his upturned clear green eyes and knew that it would all be okay. You know diary, he has a way of doing that. Even if it feels like things are completely out of control, one look into Ike’s eyes and you just know that things will always work out.

Not sure of the full extent of Ike’s injuries, I tried to refrain from wrapping my arms around him tightly and never letting go. But I decided I had better not; I didn’t want to make his injuries any worse. Thankfully Ike decided for us both, pulling from Cody's arm and stepping forward as he brushed his hand along my cheek. He wiped at the tears that stained my skin before pulling me into his comforting grip. Oh diary, it was the only right thing I had known since he had left five days ago.

The simple, but meaningful gesture took everything Ike had left. As I wrapped my arms carefully around his chest, I could feel his weight pushing down on me. I tried to grab him as he slipped from my grasp, but I felt myself going down as well. If I had to fall, so be it, but I wasn't about to let Ike go again. Luckily, Cody and Sam were able to grab hold of us both before we hit the ground.

Cody grabbed Ike under the arms while Sam scooped up his legs, carrying him into the jail as quickly as they could. I followed closely behind them, slipping in between the two lanky men as they laid Ike down on the cot inside the small cell. Dropping quickly to my knees, I took Ike’s hand in mine, placing small kisses on his abused fingers.

Seeing the lacerations that covered his wrists, I couldn't help my fragile, shaken mind. I yelled over my shoulder, fixing my raging gaze on Cody and Sam. "What the hell happened to him?" But as the words left my mouth, I could see what I had, up to that point, not noticed.

Cody's face was severely swollen, a deep gash over his left eye. His face was so heavy with wear, I wondered what it was that was even holding him up. He was completely spent. Switching my gaze to Sam, I could see that he had been through hell right along with them. He pressed his dirt covered hand against his ribs, wincing with each breath that he took. His bare forearms showed the marks of rope burns as his pasty white face glissening with the sweat of a fever.

Ike began to stir on the cot, trying to get up. Quickly, I turned my full attention back to him. Whatever had happened in Jessup would have to wait. My only concern at that moment had to be Ike. With a soothing hand, I caressed his forehead and cheek, whispering softly to him. Diary, I just wanted him to know that I was there and that I would do whatever it took to make sure he was all right. His eyes opened only once more last night, recognition flashing brightly before he slipped back into unconsciousness, the darkness stealing him away from me.

Doc Barton came storming into the jail, pushing through the people that stood around the cell. I could hear Emma hollering Sam's name, a mingling of relief and fear so strongly dancing on her words. Again Cody tried to move me out of the cell, but I would not be moved. Instead, I crawled to the head of the cot, my hands resting on the sides of Ike's face.

I watched with concern as the doctor checked several spots on Ike's face and arms. Several times he offered me a reassuring smile, but I could see that he was worried. As he unbuttoned Ike's shirt and pulled it open, I thought for sure I would faint. Dear God diary, the only thing I could do was cry at what I saw.

Every inch of Ike's chest was covered with either bruises, black and purple, or blood. As the tears poured down my face, I placed small kisses on Ike's forehead. I was just so thankful that he was alive after seeing that. "He was shot," Buck said, sliding in the other side of the cell and sitting at Ike's feet. He placed his hand on his best friend’s leg and I could see enough pain in his eyes to know that I didn't want to know what had happened to them after all.

Buck certainly was a sight, in just as bad a shape as both Sam and Cody. His left eye was swollen shut, a deep harsh red color covering his tanned cheek. A deep red mark also ringed his neck, with small bruises scattered along the mark. He favored his leg as he tried to pull himself out of Doc's way, but still stayed close enough to the cot to keep his hand on Ike's leg.

I could see the dark watery looking stain on Buck's black trousers, the pants torn and ground with dirt. He had been shot too, but I could see that his only concern was Ike. With his one good eye, he stared helplessly at his best friend, his gaze shifting from Ike to me and back to Ike as tears spilled from his dark brown eyes. "He's gonna be okay. I know it," he whispered softly.

Oh diary, my heart swelled with love for Buck Cross. I had never seen someone so devoted to a friend as Buck was with Ike. But then they weren't just friends, were they. They were brothers, even if it wasn't by blood. I smiled, shaking my head yes in agreement, and watched as Buck offered me his lop-sided grin.

Doc worked carefully on Ike, removing the bullet and cleaning the wound. Ike was roused from his unconscious state by the pain that burned through his side. It took Buck, Sam and myself to hold Ike down, his body trying to retreat from Doc’s metal instruments. But the pain was too much to bare. He blacked out again after several minutes.

All total, it took nearly two hours to get the bullet out of Ike's side. The impact of the bullet had broken his bottom rib so Doc had to bandage him up tightly as well. It was nearly sun up when Doc had finished bandaging Buck, Cody and Sam up. Teaspoon was the only one that had escaped unscathed during their fiasco in Jessup.

As the sun rose on the new morning, Sam decided it would be best to take Ike back to the bunkhouse where he could rest in his own bed. They were all exhausted. Buck had already fell asleep in the cell with Ike, his head resting on the metal bars. Emma told me that I should go home and get some sleep, but I think she knew that I couldn't do that anymore than the sun could not rise and set.

Instead, I took up vigil by the side of Ike's bed. With a washing cloth and a bowl of water, I set about cleaning the layers of dirt off of the man I loved. Jimmy prepared for the early morning run as Cody and Buck fell into their bunks, asleep almost instantly. I could hear Lou and Kid whispering, their questions going unanswered as the only ones with any information were fast asleep, safe once again and glad to be home.

As I sit here now running the damp cloth along Ike's peaceful face, I know only one thing. In my entire life, I have never known what it was to need somebody. I mean really need someone. My ma left and my pa hated me, so I never depended on anyone but myself. Now, with a certainly strong than life itself, I know that I need Ike McSwain; I love Ike McSwain....and I'm never letting go.

June 15, 1860

Dear Diary,

You know, you never fully realize what you have until it’s almost taken away from you. But once it hits you, heaven help ya. Watching the sun slip gracefully behind the horizon, I know that another day is ending, and with it this time is the horrible events of the last few days. From my vantage point on the porch of the bunkhouse, I can see the full expansion of the sky and know that as the sun sets, I can finally smile which is something that I haven’t done since this whole thing started six days ago.

The one thing I can be grateful for, besides the fact that Ike and the others returned alive, is the amazing warmth I get from Emma and the riders. They have been so wonderful to me over the past few days. Emma tried all day yesterday afternoon to get me to go back to the dress shop to get some sleep. But she knew I wasn’t about to leave, not even for supper. Jimmy was so sweet too. He brought me over some stew and biscuits since I wouldn’t leave Ike and go to the house.

Ike slept all day yesterday and into the night. Oh diary, he looked like an angel, so peaceful and sweet. His eye is beginning to swell a little more since they first got back to town, though his lip doesn’t look as bad. I was able to get him cleaned up, the dirt caked on his poor skin so thick. I just can’t begin to imagine what happened to him.

Some time around midnight, the fatigue from the last few days hit me like a runaway stage coach. Wanting just to rest my burning eyes for only a few moments, I laid my head against his stomach, being careful not to put pressure on his ribs. I certainly hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but the darkness of the bunkhouse and the soothing sound of Cody’s snoring were just enough to lull me into a light sleep.

The first signs of daylight were just beginning to creep into the night sky when something woke me from my slumber. As I lay there, the comforting sound of Ike’s heartbeat echoing in my ear, I could feel the gentle hand caressing my hair. Opening my heavy eyes, I was greeted by his caring smile as those clear green eyes that I loved so much watched me lovingly. Oh diary, you have no idea how happy I was to see that smile.

~You need to go get some sleep. You look tired.~ he signed with slow, careful movements. I could see that every gesture was an effort far greater than the energy he had to spare. But even through it all, his brilliant smile would have lit the darkest sky.

I raised my head up, groaning at the stiffness in my neck from the way I had fallen asleep. Gently, he ran his fingers along my cheek, our eyes searching each other’s face as if to make sure that we weren’t dreaming. Hooking a finger under my chin, Ike drew me to him, placing a soft gentle kiss on my lips. I was in heaven.

We talked quietly for a few moments, me whispering as not to rouse the others and Ike signing slowly. Again he tried to get me to go home, telling me that he was fine. But I couldn’t leave him; I didn’t want to leave him. Seeing that I was not going to be swayed, he moved over as much as he could without hitting the wall, pulling me onto the bed beside him. I didn’t want to crowd him, the bunk being so small and all, but this time it was him who wouldn’t be deterred. So instead of fighting, I laid down beside him, his arm wrapped tightly across my back..

Now dairy, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it. Lying with my head cradled against his shoulder, I felt so safe and happy, more so than I ever have in my life. I fell asleep almost instantly. Oh God diary, how I love that man.

I woke back up a little after 8am. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of Ike’s arms, but I knew I had a million things to do. Miss Sadie’s kindness was only going to go so far, and there was so much work piling up. After talking with Ike earlier, I knew that he really was gonna be all right after getting some rest. Comfortable in that knowledge, I headed back to the dress shop.

Diary, I swear Miss Sadie is a saint. After a quick bath and a fresh change of clothes, I felt like a new woman. I set about the shop, trying to catch up on some of the backlog of work we had. Miss Sadie was just setting the table with a breakfast fit for a king. When I asked her about it, she told me it was because she knew I hadn’t eaten in a while and that I needed my strength. “Besides,” she said, her hands in the pockets of her crisp white apron. “I just want to talk with ya.”

We sat together, eating the wonderful meal and discussing Ike and the others. Miss Sadie let me ramble on and on about how I felt when I realized it was Ike and about how Doc Barton had to get the bullets out of Ike and Buck. I knew Miss Sadie already knew all about what had happened. Rock Creek is a small town; everyone knew what had happened. But I tell you diary, it felt so good to get to verbalize all those things that I have been feeling for the last week. And Miss Sadie listened attentively to every word. When we were done, she told me to head back to the bunkhouse. She said that Ike needed me more than Miss Jensen needed her dress.

You know diary, I could get used to that.....being needed by someone. I ain’t ever really been needed, or even wanted, before and this is just the most amazing feeling. I see the way that Ike looks at me, the light in his eyes when I enter the room. I feel so special; I feel so loved, and I just get lost in that smile of his.

Maybe tomorrow I can get Buck or Cody to tell me what happened to them in Jessup. I keep telling myself that I don’t need to know and that I should just be happy with the fact that they are all back safe and sound. But my curiosity gets the best of me. I want to be able to be there for Ike; to help him through anything that he may have to deal with and I can’t do that by not knowing.

Since they got back, no one has really talked about what happened....well, at least not to me anyway. Maybe tomorrow I’ll ask Sam or Teaspoon. On one hand, my mind keeps telling me I need to know. But then my heart tells me something different. After seeing the condition the men were in when they rode in, the bruises and scars, the burns and cuts, my heart tells me that it’s better left in the past. Either way, I’m just happy that they are home.

June 17, 1860

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder why there is such violence in the nature of man. Oh now, don’t get me wrong my old friend. I’m not saying that all of mankind is heartless and violent. But there seems to be this deep down curiosity that people have with death and violence. Every time I see a crowd gathering for a hanging or observers closing in to watch two men brawling, I can’t help but wonder how man can be so grand and so cruel at the same time.

Oh diary, I know that I’m probably not making much sense right now, but I am still so shaken by the tale that Buck and Cody told me of what happened in Jessup. I knew that I didn’t want to know after seeing my poor love’s condition upon their return. But be it pure curiosity, or my own unseen thirst for the violence of man, I pressed them to tell me. Now, I wish I hadn’t.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think of what those animals did to my love. Sitting here by his bedside, as I have for nearly six days now, I can feel the tears falling swiftly down my cheeks. They fall not only for the pain that I know he had to endure, but in thanks to whatever God it was that brought him back to me alive.

Earlier this afternoon, I had gone to the dress shop to help Miss Sadie work a fitting. I had been neglecting the shop a great deal since Ike first disappeared. Although Miss Sadie seemed to pay it no mind, it still bothered me. It was my job to help her, and help her I would. So I set about the shop working on some minor repairs, and helping Miss Sadie get everything organized. When we finally had some small resemblance of order restored to the shop, I returned to the bunkhouse and to my Ike’s side.

Approaching the bunkhouse, I was greeted by Cody as he sat whittling on the porch. Although he had taken the early run, he looked bright eyed and full of mischief. “What has you in such good spirits?” I asked, unable to let that charming smile and bright blue eyes go unnoticed.

With his lopsided grin, his eyes squinted from the grandness of his smile, he tipped his hat. “Afternoon Mady. How’s Miss Sadie? Everything okay?” I couldn’t help but smile at his thoughtful inquiries. Explaining my need to help her catch up on some of the work, Cody offered me a glass of lemonade if I would join in for a spell.

Gratefully accepting, I slid onto the bench beside him. Looking out at the warm, summer afternoon, I felt a sense of relief wash over me at the realization that Ike was going to be fine and that life was once again moving back on track. Well except......

“Cody, may I ask you a question?” No matter how I tried to reason with himself, no matter what words of peril I dreamed up.....the truth was that my curiosity had gotten the better of me. I wanted to know...I needed to know what happened in Jessup. Without knowing, I don’t think I would ever fully be able to help Ike get through the turmoil.

Cody already knew what I was going to say. I think he had been expecting it since they got back. Turning those bright eyes out toward the deserted plains that surrounded the way station, I could see the memories of those few days coming back to him. I hated to have him re-hash those events, but I just couldn’t help it any longer.

He stayed quiet for a long time, before dropping his gaze to the porch in front of him. Clearing his throat, he began. “Someone must have tipped them off that we were coming cause it was like he had ridden right into their trap.” Cody stared at his rough callused hands, rubbing them unconsciously. “Wait, let me start somewhere else,” he said, looking up at me through the blond strands of hair that hung into his eyes.

“Marshall Kliver and Teaspoon go way back. They rode together or something. Not sure where Teaspoon knew him from,” Cody said, considering the matter. “Teaspoon just seems to know everybody, explanation or not.” Cody smiled to himself at the thought, pleased in his explanation to that point. But the graveness set back in, his brilliant blue eyes beginning to dull. “Anyway, Kliver was having some problems with a rancher named Macky Shaw. Shaw owns, or did rather, a huge chunk of land just outside of Jessup. Well, Shaw got greedy and tried to bully a neighboring farmer off of the land that Shaw wanted. Shaw sent his son, Gerald, to rough up the farmer, but things got outta hand. Gerald ended up killing the farmer instead of just scaring him.”

“Kliver tried to uphold the law, and bring Gerald in. That’s when all hell broke loose,” Cody said with a heavy sigh. Rubbing dirty hands across his hand, he settled his chin in the top of his interwoven knuckles. “For weeks before Kliver sent for Teaspoon, the determined sheriff had been beaten, shot at, humiliated and just plain outnumbered, but he was determined to make Gerald Shaw pay for his crime.”

“After a teenage girl turned up missing, and rumors spread that Shaw had her out at his ranch, Kliver knew that he just couldn’t handle it by himself any longer.” He looked up from his hands with a grave seriousness so unaccustomed to Cody’s usually jovial face. “So he sent for Teaspoon.”

“As far as I can figure, someone must of known that we were coming. Later, we come to find out that it was Kliver’s own damn deputy that had been selling him out and that set us up too.” Cody stopped, turning his paled expression back out to the vast emptiness of the land. “But that’s when the trouble began.”

“Like I said, it seemed like we rode right into ‘um. Ike was riding up front with Buck right behind him. Teaspoon was riding in front of me as I pulled up the end. Just before the first shot was fired, I felt it all about to happen. I just wish I would have stopped him. But he was too far ahead.”

I could see the pain in Cody’s eyes, eyes filled with the guilt of what could have been. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault; that he couldn’t have possibly known. But I didn’t. I didn’t say anything; I just wanted for him to continue.

“When the first bullet shot through the night, it was like thunder rolling in off the plain. I swear it felt like slow motion. I saw Ike’s body jerk harshly back as the bullet ripped into his side. As the impact pushed him out of his saddle, I watched as his body sort of wavered, the force sending shock waves through his body. I heard Buck cry out, yelling Ike’s name as Ike fell to the ground, landing with such force on his already bloody side.”

“I was stunned. Couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. I felt like I was outside of my body, just watching ‘cause I couldn’t get my mind to cooperate. Buck circled around Ike, panic on his face as a mass of gunfire erupted from all around us. I swear it was like an explosion as the bullets ripped through the quiet night.”

“Buck jumped from his horse, trying to scoop Ike up in his arms, but a bullet tore through his leg just as he got Ike up into his arms, sending them both sprawling to the ground. Me and Teaspoon were driven back, away from the clearing that we had unknowingly ridden in to.”

“We fired at quickly as we could, trying to drive back the bunch of men that were descending on Ike and Buck as they withered in pain on the earthen floor. I yelled at Buck to get out of there, but he didn’t listen. I guess he didn’t hear me. Me and Teaspoon fired our unprepared weapons, spilling ammo from nervous fingers as we tried to load our guns. But it was too late. Shaw’s men had ropes bound tightly around Ike and Buck’s wrists, nearly dragging them both as the he kicked his horse into a slow trot.

I felt my mouth hanging open, the scene of what it must have been like, unfolding before my very eyes. My lips were dry, feeling like sandpaper as I ran my tongue over them in thought. “But why?” was all I could muster, the events more than I could understand.

Cody shrugged his shoulders as he ran dirt covered hands across his tired face. “Dunno, for trade I guess. ‘Least that’s what he said. Seemed that Kensington had Shaw’s son in the jailhouse and wouldn’t let him go.” Sighing heavily, Cody turned his weary eyes to me. “He wanted to trade, a life for a life.”

Diverting his eyes back to the hands that hung casually between his bent knees. “I didn’t see either of them until that night we came back. They was held out at the ranch for more than three days. Not sure what happened, though I don’t think it takes much to see that being nice certainly wasn’t a part of it.”

“Shaw had us bring his son out to his ranch. Kliver argued that he wanted more neutral ground, but Shaw wouldn’t budge so we agreed. When we rode out there that night with Gerald Shaw, I swear I was gonna kill him myself, damn arrogant fool. But I kept remembering that the only thing we really wanted was to get Ike and Buck back safely. We sure were glad to see Sam when he arrived. Even with him there, we were still out gunned by at least a dozen men.”

The idea of three men taking on an entire ranch full of scoundrels was outrages to me. “Why didn’t any of the townspeople help you all?” I asked, thoughts drifting through my mind of what must have happened before Teaspoon, Cody and Sam arrived.

Cody half smiled, a sad look clouded his eyes. “They were just townsfolk. They stayed out of Shaw’s way and gave him whatever he wanted. None of them wanted to have to stand up to him; not a powerful man like Macky Shaw. Anyway, when we get there, we can see a huge commotion going on around the back of the barn. So we headed around to the back and as we came around the corner, I swear I nearly dropped my gun.”

I could see the color drain from Cody’s face as the images of that night danced before his eyes. “That bastard had Ike and Buck both strung up like slaughtered cattle, thick ropes pulled tight against their necks. The ropes were pulled up so tightly that both of them were standing on the very tips of their toes, their tongues hanging out of their mouths as they fought for every breath that they drew in." Cody shuddered and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. I could feel the color drain from my face as the image of Ike in a hangman’s noose brought sheer terror to my mind.

“Both of them was bleeding real bad, their faces all cut and bruised. Ike’s shirt was open and at first I thought it was blood, but.....” Cody stopped, an uncomfortable look on his face. “Well, you saw it when we came in. They was beat pretty bad.”

“I thought for sure we was sunk. Shaw had at least three men with guns trained right on Ike and Buck’s lolling heads. Shaw himself wasn’t more than 5 feet from them, a mare’s leg by his side. I tell ya, we didn’t know what to do. We just stood there. It was Gerald that finally broke our paralysis as he tore free from Sam’s hands and ran for his father.”

“As we all jumped for our gun’s, hammers were cocked on all sides of Ike and Buck. We were trapped. We could see Shaw’s men heading toward us as Shaw himself just stood in the middle of the clearing, the lights from the fire casting grizzly reflections on the ground as he threw back his head and laughed.”

I waited for several minutes for Cody to go on. At that point, there was no turning back. I needed to know what happened. “Well, how did you get them out?” I finally asked, impatiently interrupting the silence.

Cody shook his head. “It was some divine intervention or something. As Shaw was opening his arms to embrace his only son, a gunshot rang through the night. All eyes turned to Shaw to see the blood that splattered his face and chest as a bullet ripped through Gerald Shaw’s chest. Shaw’s men started jumping, eyes darting around the clearing like mice caught in a trap. But it only took Shaw a matter of a few seconds to react.”

“With a thunderous scream that echoed through the stillness of the night, Shaw raised his mare’s leg to Buck’s head just as another bullet drove itself into his back. As if unleashing a chain of bullets, gunfire burst through the night. My mind went numb when it started cause Ike and Buck were sittin’ ducks. I jumped into the clearing and ran for ‘um as one of Shaw’s men drew back his hammer to fire right into Ike’s chest. But his body began to jerk as it was riddle with gunfire from every direction. I covered my head with my arms....like that was supposed to protect me from the bullets or something. But I didn’t know what else to do. Finally, I saw two men, men that I had seen in town, men that had lived in Jessup their whole lives, men who had finally decided to stand up for what was theirs, emerge from the bushes.”

Cody smiled his lop-sided grin. “Hell, I didn’t know whether to scream or cry. I ran for Buck and Ike, and with the help of Teaspoon, we were able to get them behind some cover. Sam had been in a brawl with a couple of Shaw’s men and even looked like he was gonna get beat, when a fragile little old woman blew a hole,” he said, bringing his hands up to form a large circle, “in the guy’s chest.”

“There wasn’t much else after that. Only two of Shaw’s men survived, both of which were at the jail when we left. Kliver got shot in the leg and in the shoulder, but he was still up and moving around when we left. Guess the townsfolk decided they wanted to keep the town after all.” Cody turned to me to see if I was okay. I could tell that he worried about telling me.....though I’m not exactly sure what it was that he feared most.

It broke my heart in tiny pieces to think of the suffering that Ike had endured, but I just couldn’t help feel so very grateful that he was home. I think knowing even just some of what had happened makes me realize even more just how precious Ike is to me. Placing a small peck on Cody’s cheek, I took his hand in mine and gently squeezed it. Rubbing my hand gently down his back, I thanked him so much for telling me. I could see that he still wasn’t sure that he had done the right thing, but I knew.

"What about the girl?" I asked, pretty sure of what his answer was going to be before he even said it. Cody looked at me puzzled. As our eyes locked on one another, he seemed to understand my question and only turned away. I held the gasp that wanted to escape tightly in my chest. Somehow I knew the truth of it, but the truth is still a brutal thing sometimes.

Instead, I offered him my best grin before heading back inside the bunkhouse to check on my miracle. And now, sitting here watching him sleep, I take his hand in mine and know that everything really is gonna be all right.........

June 19, 1860

Dear Diary,

It’s been over a week since they returned from Jessup and Ike’s recovery is coming along remarkably. He’s slowly getting some color back into his cheeks and has been able to keep some food down which is a relief. The blackness around his eye is finally beginning to fade, turning an awful dark yellow-almost brown color.

Being the free spirit that he is, the closed up bunkhouse was on the verge of making him insane, so we went for a walk this afternoon. It was so wonderful to see him up and around again, even if his movements were very slow and guarded. He was very pale for most of our short walk, leaning much of his weight on me. But dairy, you should have seen him. What an angel.

Several times during our walk, he would shut his eyes and turn his face up towards the sun, basking in its warmth and comfort. It was amazing, watching the way the sun shone down on him, caressing his strong brow, sliding gracefully off his small defined nose, illuminating his pale cheeks. I felt me heart race from the sheer beauty of the moment.

He would smile a slow, gentle smile and then look at my soul with those sparkling green eyes, so full of love. It made me weak. Every time he looked at me, I couldn’t help wonder what I had done to deserve him. He made me weak in the knees.

As we walked along the outskirts of Rock Creek, skirting behind the small, crooked row of buildings, he wrapped his hand tightly in mine. I could feel, more than see, his gaze on me. When I turned to meet it, he stopped, turning to face me. I watched him with wonder as he took in every detail of my face. It fascinates me when he does that. I would give anything to know what he is thinking.

As if he could read my mind, he signed, smooth and graceful. ~I don’t know what I would have done without you. You’re my world. It was that beautiful smile of yours~ He stopped, lifting his hand to my face and gently rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip. I was stunned to my spot. I watched with amazement as he stared at me until a single tear slipped from his brilliant eyes. ~That smile that got me through it~

I swear, my breath was caught in my chest. I was speechless. I was filled with so much love for him that I can’t even put it into words. It's like talking everything good and new that you have ever experienced in your life and put it all together. It's such an overpowering emotion, but one that I wouldn't trade for the world. As the tears fell freely down my rosy cheeks, I pulled him gently into my arms. Taking his face him my hands, I watched as he licked his lips in anticipation as I drew him to me. Inching closer and closer, I could feel his ragged breath, hot on my mouth. Desire blazed through me like a burning match touched to dry hay.

As our lips melded together, my tears grew stronger, spilling from eyes that were shut tightly against the world. I didn’t want to know anything in that moment but Ike and our love for one another.

So many emotions surged through my exhausted body, many of them not even my own. I could feel his pain and agony from the physical scars that Shaw and his men had inflicted on his weakened body. But I could also feel his life and his love for me and it was more powerful than anything I had ever known.

As our lips searched each others, I felt tears fall into my hands that still cupped Ike’s pale cheeks. I pulled back just enough that I could gaze into the tear-filled eyes of the man I adored. Even though no words were spoken in that frozen moment in time, more words were exchanged than could be contained in a thousand books. I knew that, at that moment, if I were to die tomorrow, it would be all right because I have finally known greatest....I have finally known what unconditional love was...I have finally seen some goodness in a world that held only darkness for me. I have finally know what it’s like to live......thanks to Ike.

Please God, where ever you may be, don’t ever take him away from me. I need him....like I need the sun in the sky and the air I breath. And now I know that he needs me too.........

June 22, 1860

Dear Diary,

Oh diary my friend, it seems like ages since I have been able to fill your pages. Things have been so busy around the shop and at the bunkhouse; sometimes I fear that I will never catch up with my work. But the afternoons and evenings spent with Ike have been the most precious moments of my life.

With each day that passes, we grow closer and closer. The others joke that we were made for each other, fated to be together. While I don’t know if I believe in the idea of fate, I do know that Ike fills this hole that had been in my heart and soul for so long, I had even forgotten it was there. I had just become use to the emptiness. But now....well, let me just say that I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world.

Ike’s recovery has been remarkable. He says it’s ‘cause of my taking care of him, but I know that isn’t the truth. He’s a fighter, determined to beat the odds and prove everyone wrong. I think that is what I love so much about Ike McSwain, his determination. That and those breathtaking green eyes......

Not only have Ike and I been growing closer, I have taken so to the other riders as well. Buck is such a sweetheart. When I think of the pain that he has been through because of something that is beyond his control, like his heritage, it saddens me to my very core. He has so much passion and love. I don’t know that I have ever met someone with a heart that is so pure as Buck Cross. Well.....except for Ike.

This afternoon Buck joined us as we went for an afternoon stroll. Ike was completely able to handle his own weight, taking the journey slow and easy. Wrapping his hand tightly in mine, the three of us set out for North Hill.

We made it to the top of the hill, just before sunset. The sky was clustered with clouds, but that didn’t stop of the sun from putting on an amazing display. The lights of sunset were so strong, bouncing off the surrounding clouds and changing their colors as it slipped away to end yet another day, and all the while we talked.

Buck told me all kinds of stories of times when the two of them attended the mission school. From the sadness that filled his eyes, I could see that his years at the school were not kind or easy. But the light that filled them when he spoke of his friendship with Ike filled my heart with such love for the gentle man.

He told me the story of Ike’s first crush and all the while, Ike blushed the color of the sunset dyed clouds above our heads. He said that Ike had been smitten with one of the teachers at the school. Her name was Miss Kensington. Oh diary, it was so wonderful to hear the youthful stories. I felt so much closer with them both to be able to share in their memories together.

Buck said that Ike was so heart-sick for the youth school teacher that he wrote a poem for her. I was fascinated with the idea of Ike writing poetry. While I never had much schooling, seeing as pa didn’t ever think I was worthy of book learning, I kept myself occupied with books. Most books pa never knew about; I kept ‘um hid in my room. Since I never had any money, I couldn’t buy them. But I had a teacher when I was younger who would give me new books every week.

She used to tell me that if I kept my interest in many things that life would always be an advantage. She said that books and knowledge would always lead me through any troubles that I ever faced. Even now, I owe her so much. If she hadn’t give me the marvelous world of books to journey through diary, I’m almost sure that I would have killed myself. And if I had done that, I never would have met Ike.

But back to Ike, Buck said that the poem was very sweet for a nine year old. He said it talked of flowers and the way her eyes looked like stars. He couldn’t remember it word for word, but I felt as if I would melt diary. Just imagine, having a poem written for you by someone that knows your every detail.

As night fell, we headed back to the bunkhouse to have supper. Miss Sadie was having dinner at the house with Emma, Sam and Teaspoon while the rest of us were eating at the bunkhouse. Emma felt the boys would be too wound up to sit still for a nice quiet evening. Diary, she certainly was right.

Cody was on some sort of “love” high. He met a girl earlier in the day and just knew that......”cupid’s arrow has stuck straight in the heart”....as he put it. It was quite entertaining to watch. His whole face lit up when he talked of the blonde beauty that had just moved into town with her family. Her father had taken over the hotel in town.

As he talked, I tried to concentrate, but I knew Cody was always falling in love so everyone tended to take his newest desire with a grain of salt. In a matter of days, he would tire of her. “She’s got a brother too. Real suave fella too,” he added, shoving a heaping spoonful of stew into his mouth.

Ike sat beside me, his full attention seeming to be focused on Cody and yet he trying to find a ticklish spot on my knee. I had told him that I just wasn’t ticklish, but he refused to believe me. Instead, he moved his hand to various spots around my knee, trying to find that one spot to make me squeal.

Swatting at his hand, I noticed Cody’s gaze had fixed on me. “Real suave.” It wasn’t until that moment that I noticed the shift in attention being diverted between Lou and I.

“What?” she asked, looking up from the book that lay on the table in front of her. She looked at me in question, to which I had no answer. I knew nothing of what he was doing.

Cody just shook his head as he turned his attention back to his plate. “Nothing. All’s I’m saying is he looks like he’s use to getting his way.”

I couldn’t believe that he was even insinuating what I thought he was. After all that I had been through with them and with Ike, I couldn’t even believe that he would think I would be interested in anyone but my Ike. Sliding my hand into the perfect fit that our hands were together, I leaned my head against Ike’s shoulder as I turned my gaze back to Cody. “You should know about people always thinking they will get what they want, don’t ya Cody?” I couldn’t resist saying, knowing the utter arrogance that emanated off the dashing rider when he felt it necessary.

A round of “Oowwww’s” rang out around the table as Lou pushed Cody playfully on the shoulder. “Yeah Cody, weren’t you just sitting here saying how this girl.....um. what did you say her name was?” Lou asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

A dreamy far off look overtook Cody’s brilliant blue eyes. “Anne,” he said as he sighed heavily, remembering the woman’s face.

Lou couldn’t help but smile at Cody’s romantic, exuberant nature. “Yeah, Anne,” she said as she tilted her head slightly to the side, watching his reaction with a curious gaze. “Anyway, about how this girl was going to be yours?”

Cody smiled. “That’s different. No woman can resist this charm.” Collective groans were passed around the table as Jimmy throw the biscuit he was eating at Cody’s head. With quick reflexes Cody was able to catch Jimmy’s toss with ease, but was unprepared for the biscuit that Buck through. “Hey now,” he said, putting his hands out in front of him in defense. “I’m just saying....you fellas better keep watch on these lovely ladies,” he said, a big Cheshire grin on his handsome face.

Lou did the same thing I did; we rolled our eyes and went back to the business at hand. For her it was reading the storybook that she had laid out on the table before her. For me, I had to keep Ike from finding my soft spot on the back of my knee. I knew if he found it, I would be a goner. Luckily, I was able to entwine my fingers with his, and Cody, in effect, changed subjects without warning as usual by asking about the early morning run.

The chatter continued for at least another hour. Cody continued on as he usually did; the others contributing where they could. With my head still resting on Ike’s shoulder, his hand around my back and gently rubbing my shoulder, I couldn’t help but stare at Buck as he, once again, tried to take the disbelief out of Cody’s story.

Diary, it’s amazing to me that Buck doesn’t have a love of his own. With handsome dark eyes and tanned, earthen skin, he is extremely attractive. And he had so much love to give to the right woman. I tried thinking of all the women that I knew in Rock Creek, but I knew there weren’t many.

There are three or four that lived in town, 1 is 3 years old than me while the other was pretty much my age. I know all three of them, which isn’t hard in the small township of Rock Creek. While all three girls are very nice and sweet people, none of them are worthy of Buck’s gentle, giving nature. I just hope that, one day, he will be able to find a special love like the one Ike and I share. Diary, he deserves someone who is going to treat him with love and respect. I think that’s pretty much what we all want.......

June 25, 1860

Dear Diary,

What a marvelous day. Diary, I have never felt so accepted before in my life. The riders are so amazing, especially Ike. I’ve never met anyone like him ever. He’s so kind and caring and real. He is exactly who he is, no matter what anyone thinks of him and I love that about him.

When I was growing up, pa made me hate who I was. Guess that’s why I was so shy for so long. He always told me I was nothing. Pa never hit me or nothin’ like that. He just paid me no mind, which sometimes I think might be worse. ‘Least if he was hitting on me, he would have realized that I existed.

I guess that’s why I find it so amazing to be over at the way station. Emma is the most beautiful, kind woman, next to Miss Sadie, of course. She is always asking stuff of me, like she really wants to know what I think and how I feel. Nobody’s ever asked me how I felt about anything before.

I tell ya diary, the first time she asked me, I didn’t rightly know what to say. Ike and Buck were trying to fix a floor board in the house so me and Lou decided to help Emma wash up the windows. It’s so dusty that they get dirty real fast. Emma was hanging a painting that Sam got her from Seneca. With her hands on her hips, she stood back from the painting, tilting her head from left to right.

Puzzled as to what she was doing, I couldn’t help but watch her curiously as she stood staring at the painting. I could understand her query; the painting was quite unusual. But I thought it was beautiful. It was of a small pond. On one side of the pond were rocks, dark gray and jagged with a darkening sky overhead. But on the other side of the pond was beautiful green grass and flowers, all fluffy and soft with a clear blue sky. It was almost as if the painting were halves to two different pieces, but meshed together to create one whole.

Hearing a soft chuckle from Lou, Emma turned toward us with a bright smile on her face. “Mady, don’t you think that is the strangest painting? I love Sam dearly, but God help him, he has no taste in art.”

I nearly fell over diary. Everyone’s attention fell on me and I could feel my face burning red hot. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out at first. I could see Buck and Lou out of the corner of my eye, exchanging amused glances at each other. I was afraid to look at Ike, fearing that he would think me an idiot or something. My opinion had never been worth anything in my whole life.

Oh diary, I couldn’t help but turn my gaze to the floor, certain that they would throw me out and yell at me to never come back. What a fool I must have looked like. I could feel the tears as they began to build up, threatening to spill over. Pa asked me one time what I thought about a new horse he had got, and when I told him that I thought it was pretty, he yelled and yelled. He said that no one would ever want me opinion cause I was nothing but useless. He said that woman like me were only good for one thing anyways and that I was so stupid and ugly that no one would ever want me for that anyways.

I felt like I was gonna panic. What made it worse was that I felt so stupid for my ridiculous fear, but I was helpless to stop it. The power of words is a mighty strong thing. Just as I was about to flee from the house, never to be seen again, I felt the soft smooth hand as it slipped into mine. Startled by the touch, I looked up to see Emma standing before me, holding my hand tightly in hers. There was so much patience and kindness that I instantly began to calm.

Searching my face, for what I don’t know, she seemed to find whatever it was. With a comfortable smile, she cupped my cheek in her hand. “Go ahead Mady, we really do want to know what you think about it.” I felt the second hand slip into mine and I knew, without looking, that familiar callused grip, so comforting and strong. Urging me with her eyes to go on, I took a deep breath.

“Actually, I think it’s kind of pretty....” Once I got to talking, everyone listened, considering what I had to say with great pause. Diary, it felt so amazing to have them take me seriously, to actually get to talk about things other than farming like pa always did. Ike even agreed with me, his bashful smile so strong in my mind.

That afternoon, Ike, Buck and Jimmy went with Teaspoon out to old man Wheeler’s farm to help him fix his corral. One of his horses got wild with some kind of sickness and went crazy. Wheeler had to shoot it, but not before it nearly destroyed the entire corral.

With Ike gone for most of the afternoon and my work caught up at the shop, I didn’t have much to do so I headed back to the bunkhouse. Lou and Kid were fussing about something when I got there. Seeing me, she decided that we needed to go into town and I was happy to follow.

Kid stood in the doorway, watching us leave. I couldn’t help feel sorry for the young man; the bewildered look on his face almost comical. “What was that all I about?” I had to ask, the curiosity getting the better of me. Lou just shook her head, taking hold of my hand and nearly dragging me toward the saloon as a fevered pace.

“Let’s get a sarsaparilla,” was all she said. I could see her lips were pursed tightly together and knew that she was really mad about something. I noticed she usually got that way when Kid was trying to tell her what to do or what not to do. I didn’t like the idea of going in the saloon. They weren’t too kind to us young ones when we went in there.

Lou stopped just outside the batwing doors, obviously thinking much the same thing that I was. With a heavy sigh, she sunk to the bench just outside the doors. “Dammit. Why does he always got to be like that?” she said, her face weary with sadness. I couldn’t imagine what Kid would have done to have her in such a state. He always seemed so kind, smitten with the spry young woman.

I sat with Lou, holding her hand in mine. After a bit of coaxing, she finally began to talk. “He just don’t ever trust me,” she said, shaking her head. “Why can’t he just trust that I have enough sense to know when to trust people.” She looked at me, and could see that I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. She smiled, momentarily forgetting her frustration. It was good to see her smile.

Patting my hand, “I guess I should tell you what I am carrying on about, ‘cause I’m sure it don’t make no sense like this. I went to Thompson’s this afternoon to get some of that stuff Emma was talking about earlier....you know..that stuff to fix the shelf.” I shook my head in agreement. I remembered Emma talking about needing some kind of filler stuff to fix a shelf that Sam had broke.

Lou went on to tell me how she had been coming out of the store when she ran into a young man, literally. She said he was quite handsome and very polite, but was not watching where he was going at all. Lou said that he nearly knocked her off the boardwalk, his pace fast.

Startled and apologizing profusely, he helped her up from the ground. She said he smiled grandly, introducing himself. “His name’s Austin. He’s from the South,” she said, a glint of excitement at the novelty of a new person in town.

“You should see him Mady, thick black silky hair, eyes so shiny brown that they almost look gold, a real nice smile.....” I could see the light blush that spread across her cheeks. “You got to meet him; he’s real nice too.”

Kid had seen her talking to him on the boardwalk. From what I gathered, Austin kissed her hand, apologizing profusely for nearly running her down. Kid was furious, grabbing her by the arm and nearly draggin her back to the bunkhouse. She showed me her arms where she sported small purple little bruises from where his fingers had dug into her skin.

I could understand why she would be upset. Kid had humiliated her more than anything. Not only for making a scene and acting like “a big, stupid jerk” as Lou put it, but he showed her that he didn’t trust her and that’s what hurt her the most.

Deciding against going into the saloon, we walked around the small town of Rock Creek. We talked and laughed and just had a nice afternoon. I never had any girl friends when I was growing up. Pa kept me out at our farm, never much letting me go to town with him. He always said that he didn’t want people to see him with an ugly child like me.

It was nearly dusk when we decided to head back to the way station. As we walked along the boardwalk, I heard a whistle come from the other end of town. Lou and I both looked to see Ike, Buck and Kid heading down the street toward us. Oh diary, when I saw Ike, that handsome smile on his face, I felt my heart race madly.

Coyly, he waved at me, absently brushing at the dust on his filthy pants. I was so happy to see him. Don’t get me wrong diary; I loved spending the afternoon with Lou. She is a wonderful person, but I loved even more spending time with Ike.

June 27, 1860

Dear Diary,

When the warm weather rolls in, it certainly rolls in with a vengeance. Diary, what ever happened to spring? I guess I really can’t complain too much. The sun was so bright and warm today. The sky was crystal clear and a soft, but warm, breeze drifted in around the late afternoon. At least with the hot summer days comes the warm refreshing summer evenings that have always been my favorites.

This is so bad diary, but I’m kinda glad its getting warm cause then Ike spends most of the afternoon, when he’s doing chores with his shirt off. I know...I know...I shouldn’t be thinking things like that diary. But I can tell you my old friend. Besides, he has such a beautiful body, I can’t help it that I enjoying watching him. Like this afternoon.

I went over to the station late this afternoon, as soon as I got done with the days fittings. Ike was working in the corral. Oh diary, he looked so handsome. He worked the new mare around the corral, no shirt on his smooth tan chest. I was in awe; the way the sun glistened off the sweat that covered his strong shoulders. Sporting only his worn leather gloves and his red bandanna, I felt things stir in me that I wasn’t quit sure how to deal with.

As I stood resting my arms against the corral fence, my mind began to wonder into areas that make my face turn red just thinking about them. Diary, I don’t know where these thoughts came from. I have never felt like this before in my entire life. But watching the way the smooth muscles of his back flexed as he tried cutting off the horse, his arms stretched out in a show of mercy to the animal, I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to run my hands across that bare chest, to place small kisses across his shoulders, to feel his skin pressed against mine. Oh diary, here I go again.

I stood watching him for several minutes before he realized I was there. When he did come over to where I stood, wearing a smile so handsome that I felt my toes curl. Oh diary, I love him so much it physically hurts me to be away from him.....to keep myself from ravaging him.

I had an interest conversation today too. Not with Ike, but with Cody. While Ike was finishing up his work on the mare, I went to the house to see if Emma needed any help. On my way there I was greeted by those amazing blue eyes. But from the moment I saw Cody, I could tell that there was something wrong.

After a few pleasantries, he asked if he could get my advice on something. You know me diary, I would do anything for any one of them riders. Of course I said sure, so we sat down on the porch swing.

“I don’t mean to be burdening you with my concerns Mady, but I need a woman’s point of view and Lou don’t ever seem to take me seriously,” Cody said, his long agile fingers hanging loosely between his legs as his elbows rested on his knees. I assured Cody that I would help him in any way that I could. He looked at me thoughtfully before presenting me with one of his patented lopsided grins, his eyes crinkled to small slits.

”It’s Anne. I’m not sure what I am doing wrong. I have tried nearly everything I know to get her to pay attention to me. I’ve given her flowers. I’ve offered to have her to the house for supper. I’ve tried to get her to go on a walk with me. But nothing I say seems to interest her at all. In fact, she seems terrified of me.” I could see the distance in Cody’s eyes and knew that he wasn’t telling me absolutely everything, but it was all that he felt he could share at the moment.

He turned to me, taking my hand that lay comfortably in my lap in his. “I remembered how you were with Ike and all of us at first, and thought that maybe she is just shy, but I just don’t think so. She seems.......” he said, trying to face the empty land that surrounded the station. “I don’t know....almost afraid of me or something.”

The hand that held mine gripped tightly as if the thought were just too much to bare. I know that Cody was use to being able to charm women, those blue eyes rendering ladies almost helpless. But I don’t think it was that diary. There was more.

I started to ask him some questions, trying to probe more into her behavior when Ike slid on the porch swing beside me. I had been so wrapped up in Cody’s peculiar behavior that I didn’t ever hear him walk up. Sliding his arm around my waist, he kissed me softly on the ear, sending chills through my body.

I guess Cody must have felt like a third wheel or something. He let me hand slip gently back into my lap, patting me on the leg. “Well, don’t worry ‘bout it Mady. I’ll figure out something,” he said, slipping off the porch and around to the side of the house before I could say anything.

~What’s wrong with him?~ Ike’s face was as puzzled as mine felt.

“I’m not exactly sure,” was all I could say as I turned my attention back to where Cody had disappeared to. He seemed so deeply bothered by the whole situation. I knew he liked Anne, but as far as I knew, her and her family had only just moved into town a week ago. I just can’t imagine that Cody could get attached to her so fast.

I felt a small kiss on the side of my neck and my breath caught in my chest. Turning back to Ike, I was greeted by his clear green eyes. I stared at him, taking in every detail and realized that it was possible after all that Cody could be attached to the new woman. I, after all, had fallen in love with Ike from the moment I laid eyes on him. I guess anything is possible diary, especially when it comes to love.

June 28, 1860

Dear Diary,

Who ever knew that mischief could be so much fun. A few months ago, I would never dreamed that I could enjoy life so much. But what a great day it was.

It all started early this morning. Lou came over to the shop, asking if I wanted to go swimming with her and the others. Ike had said something about them going swimming, but he didn’t know if they were gonna go or not. So when Lou wound up in the shop this morning, a grand smile on her face, I knew it was going to be a fun day.

The business at the shop has slowed down a bit so when Miss Sadie heard Lou’s offer, she quickly shooed me out the door. As we walked back to the weigh station meet up with others, I couldn’t help get an image of what Ike would look like, all wet and tan, in the summer sun. Oh diary, what an image it was.

“What are you smiling about?” Lou asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. I was surprised that I had actually smiled at the thought. I told her it was nothing, but wanted even more to hurry back to the station. The quicker we got back to the station, the quicker I could see Ike.

As we rounded the corner to the bunkhouse, I couldn’t help noticing how quiet it was. “Where is everyone?” Lou said aloud, as if reading my thoughts. “Wait here,” Lou said, mounting the porch of the bunkhouse before bursting through the door. I stood outside, my hand shielding my eyes from the warm summer sun.

As I stood waiting for Lou to return, Emma came out the of house, a basket of wash balanced perfectly on her slender hips. Waving, I headed over to the clothes line to meet her. “Well good afternoon Mady. What are you doing here?” Emma said pleasantly, a curious look on her face.

Diary, I was more than puzzled by her look. I told her about Lou’s offer to go swimming out at the watering hole. “But the boys left about half hour ago,” Emma said, brushing absently at a soft red strand of hair that tickled at her eyes.

“They did what?” came the startled accusation from behind us. We both turned to see a fuming Lou standing with her hands on her hips, her lips pursed tightly together. “They always do this to me.” I could see how truly bothered she was by being left behind yet again.

I can’t say that I was upset; I mean I could understand the boys not wanting a couple of girls tagging along with them. But diary, I was a little disappointed at not getting to see Ike.

“Don’t worry girls; we’ll get them back for this,” Emma said, folding her arms across her chest as a mischievous smile spread across her face. “You two go get three horses ready. It’s time for payback.”

Emma headed back to the house as Lou and I both took off to get the horses. Neither of us had any idea what Emma had in mind, but we certainly enjoying the mystery behind her request.

Once we had the horses ready, we rode mostly in silence out to the watering hole. As we neared our target, Emma motioned for us to dismount the horses. with her finger held to her lips, she whispered, “be quiet and follow my lead.” I swear diary, she looked ten years younger, a glint in her soft green eyes.

We snuck into the clearing unnoticed, the sound of the rowdy young men drifted up from the swimming hole. Smiling, Emma motioned toward the clothing strewn all about and it was then that Lou and I finally figured out what she had in mind. She wanted us to take their clothes.

Satisfied that we had gotten everything, we exchanged youthful, giggling glances. With our arms full of dusty clothing, Emma cleared her thought loudly, making our presence known.

“Afternoon boys,” Emma said, smiling confidently. “We wanted to thank you for leaving without Lou and Mady this morning. That was right kindly of you all.”

“So we thought it only fair to return the favor,” Lou continued where Emma left off.

Swept up in the fun of the moment, I bent down to pick up the last article of clothing that lay on the ground. Holding with two fingers, I crinkled my nose in mock disgust as I looked at the discarded long johns. Looking from the long johns to the shocked riders who had grown deathly silent, I just couldn’t resist adding my two cents into the whole game. “Now this should be really interesting,” I said as I added the article of clothing to the pile that I already held in my arms.

“See you boys back at the house,” Emma said before she turned toward the dusty trial that lead back to our waiting horses.

Whatever spell had been holding the men quiet and at bay had suddenly broken as they began to shout. “Oh come on. You can’t do that,” said Jimmy as he started up toward the banks. Buck followed close behind him. Cody, who was responsible for the discarded long johns stayed right where he was, a sheepish smile under his baby blue eyes. “This is all your fault Cody,” Jimmy yelled as he tried to run, the water pulling heavily on his long johns.

Seeing the men coming at me, I turned to follow my two cohorts in crime. But being the ungraceful person that I am, I never stood a chance against the unearthed tree root that stood between me and my escape path. As my foot caught the branch, I felt myself falling fast toward the ground, landing face first in the dirt. Clothes flew through the air and landed in a scattered array around me.

Ike was the first to make it to shore, motioning for the others to stay back. Confusion clouded my face as I rolled myself over and up to a sitting position, only to see Ike standing over me.

I felt like a mouse caught in a trap. As I sat looking up into his playful smile, I couldn’t help noticing the way the sun shone off his tanned chest, water slowly sliding its way down the ripples in his chest and his defined stomach. I smiled coyly at the handsome rider. “You do know that we were gonna bring them back,” I tried to say in my defense.

My plea for understanding brought out shouts of disbelief from the other riders, but not from my Ike. He smiled sweetly, a twinkle in his deep green eyes. I took the hand offered to me, allowing him to pull me back to her feet. “Thank you Ike,” I said, batting my eyelashes and smiling at the handsome rider who had stolen her heart. I was trying to be as sweet as I could, not exactly believing that he would let me off the hook that easily.

Realizing that I was covered in dirt, my once black pants were a light shade of brown. As I stood busing myself with the important task of removing the dirt, I was completely oblivious to the sly exchange that had taken place between Ike and the other riders. “You know it’s........” I started to say, wanting to tell them all that it was their own fault, but was stopped as I was swept up into Ike’s strong arms. “Ike,” I cried as he turned toward the water, a broad smile donning her youthful face. “Ike, don’t you dare.”

Jimmy and Cody were already splashing water at us as Ike continued back into the pond from which he had just come. “Ike, NO!!!” I screamed, squirming in his arms and trying to free myself from his grip, but he held tightly. When he was satisfied with his position in the water, he kissed me briefly on the lips before throwing me, fully clothed, into the water.

I sailed through the air and hit the water with a magnificent splash. Cheers and applause were all around me as the water muffled all sound. Ike jumped in right behind me. I came up quickly, gasping for air. Wiping the water and the shook from my face, I brushed at the long locks of hair that clung to my cheeks.

Ike had resurfaced right in front of me, and I tell you diary, he had the most mischievous, handsome grin on his innocent features. I melted like butter. I couldn’t help but smile. “Pay backs are hell Ike McSwain,” I told him before I wrapped my arms around his neck. “You just remember that.”

Lou stood on the banks, laughing and pointing at us. Emma had gone back to the station, but not before returning all the dusty clothes back to their place, scattered along the dirt covered clearing.

“And what do you think is so funny?” Kid said from behind her. I tried to warn her, but was pleasantly distracted by Ike as he splashed water in my face. Before I could move to help her, Kid had swept her up in his arms in a similar fashion as Ike had done to me. He proceeded to toss her in as well amongst the cheers and rowdy yells of approval.

Oh diary, it was such a fantastic day. We stayed there most of the afternoon, horsing around and laughing. When we were finally getting ready to head back, the boys made Lou and I turn our backs. Of course you know we had to peak diary. Who could resist an opportunity to see them handsome men dripping wet?

Once they were all dressed, Lou and I got out of the water. Both of us were soaked, with no dry clothes to change into. I don’t think it would have been so bad if a cool evening breeze hadn’t blown in. As we were about to head back to the horses, Ike stopped me, pulling off his shirt and handing it to me.

I didn’t want to take it because I didn’t want him to get cold, but I loved him more than ever for his thoughtful gesture. Taking the shirt, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. I could see that Kid had done the same thing for Lou.

Motioning for him to turn around, I slipped out of my wet shirt and into his. Pulling it tightly to my body, I buttoned up the small buttons and immediately smelled Ike in that shirt. Let me tell you diary, it was heaven. It smelled like earth and wind and soap and everything that was good in the world. And as I turned back around, Ike slipped his arm around my waist and led me back to the horses. At that moment, I knew that everything was right in the world.....for once.

July 1, 1860

Dear Diary,

This has to be one of my favorite things about summer, the warm summer nights. Sitting here on the back upstairs landing, I relish the feelings of the cooler gentle breeze on my face. The sky is the darkest deep blue, a multitude of stars scattered throughout the western sky with no apparent rhyme or reason. Only a sliver of the golden moon is showing, and even nestled in its bed of stars, it looks so alone.

I’ve always loved the night time. There is a stillness in the air that feels almost as if time itself has stopped. Rowdy laughter and piano music are faint, drifting aimlessly into the night. Oh diary, I miss Ike. He had to go with Jimmy and Buck to Sycamore on an overnight run. I didn’t want him to go, but knew I had no right at ask him to stay. Instead, I kissed him tenderly, loving the feel of his arms around me and wish him a safe trip.

So instead, I spent much of the evening doing extra work around the shop. There was some minor mending that needed doing and Miss Sadie wanted me to help her do a few repairs around the shop. Guess what I did diary? I was hammering a nail into the loose bottom step on the boardwalk and I missed the nail. And you guessed it; I hit my thumb instead.

I tell ya, that is the most awful pain on the face of the earth. I saw stars in my vision when that hammer hit my nail. I was so shocked that I wasn’t sure what to do. Immediately, I stuck my thumb in my mouth, and could feel my stomach growing queasy from the horrible pain.

But I did get to meet that Austin fella that Lou was talking about. What a nice fella he is too. He was heading toward the general store when I missed the nail. Seeing me jump up from where I knelt on the steps, he quickly rushed to my side. It was so nice, the concern and kindness that he showed me.

I can completely understand Lou’s flustering over him; he’s quite handsome. What really got me were his amazingly blue eyes. They rivaled Cody’s in their brightness, but there was a gray undertone that made them look almost silver. He also has this incredibly charming smile that made me feel so comfortable, I felt like I had known him for a long time.

My thumb instantly started swelling. Austin took his fine silk handkerchief from his pocket and dipped it in the water trough. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, but he insisted. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, he took off his black tailored jacket, and got down on his knees to finish fixing the step. I was so grateful for his kindness.

Once he fixed the step, we sat on the boardwalk and talked for a few minutes. He’s such a nice man too, very cordial and complimentary. He made me blush several times, telling me that he thought I was pretty. It was very sweet. He even asked me if I was sweet on anyone and I was so happy to get to tell someone about Ike.

I loved getting to talk about Ike....how wonderful he is...how caring and giving he is to me......how much I love him. Austin seemed to understand, smiling and asking me all kinds of questions. Diary, he is so nice. It’s amazing to me that I was able to talk to him so easily. I’ve been so shy my whole life, and yet, talking to Austin was so comfortable.

But the strangest thing did happen. While we were talking, I asked about Anne, and Austin’s demeanor seemed to change. He became guarded and watched me with a close eye. He questioned how I even knew Anne and why I would want to know. I tell ya diary, it was odd the way he changed. Shortly after that, he abruptly got up and walked away, leaving me sitting on the step looking after him.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with him or his sister. I can’t wait till Ike gets back. I want to tell him everything we talked about and see if he can make any more sense out of it than I can. Ike has a way of seeing things differently than most people do. Plus, I just like seeing the look of concentration that comes over his angel face when he’s thinking about something or listening to me talk. God, how I love him.

I need to talk to Cody too. He needs to be ware that something is different with our newest residents. From the look of sadness in his eyes, I want to make sure that he doesn’t get hurt any worse than he already seems to be.

As I look up at the sliver of a moon, I can’t help wondering if Ike is looking at the same moon in Sycamore. I wonder if he sees the intrigue of the vastness of the sky as I do. Oh diary, I wonder if he is thinking about me too. Blowing a kiss into the wind, I wish with all my heart for it to go to him this night and reassure to him the strength of my love for him. But I’m sure that he already knows........

July 3, 1860

Dear Diary,

What a strange day it has been. I find it so amazing how things can get twisted from reality until they are blown completely out of proportions. If only people could learn to find out what really happened before they act. But I guess that is never gonna happen. I think it is inbred in our nature to react first and ask questions later. At least that’s what happened today.

It all started early this morning. I was so excited because Ike was supposed to be back sometime before noon; at least according to Emma he was. I spent most of the morning with Miss Sadie, working on a beautiful new dress for Anne Castenay, Cody’s newest love. What a pleasant young woman she is; much like her brother, or so I thought he was.

We had kept the conversation light; speaking mostly of the drastic change that she had been through, moving to Rock Creek after living in such a grand city as Atlanta. I wanted desperately to bring up Cody, but didn’t feel it was my place to ask such personally questions. Luckily, Miss Sadie is not so conservative.

“I hear that you have had an opportunity to meet our dear Mr. Cody. Charming fella, isn’t he Miss Castenay?” I had to stifle the giggle that wanted so badly to come out at Miss Sadie’s forwardness. Shy she certainly has never been. Taking up occupancy in a chair near where I stood pinning Anne’s dress, she watched the young woman closely as a blush spread across her cheeks.

“Yes ma’am, I have had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Cody,” Anne mumbled, nearly at a whisper. But the smile on her face was radiant, which made me even more curious as to why Cody felt he was having so many problems with her. It was obvious that she felt a certain attraction for the charming rider.

From where I sat, I could see the expression on her face as the smile slipped from it, a sadness setting in. “But Austin doesn’t seem to like him. He doesn’t much like any of the......um. Well, I know it shouldn’t matter since he is only my brother, but....I..um, I don’t why either,” she croaked, her voice becoming unstable.

I looked at Miss Sadie to see the same expression that I knew rested on my face. There was a strong sense of fear in Anne’s voice as she shifted her attention to the floor in front of her. As if needed to take the attention off of her, she raised her head, a forced smile on her face. “But he is quite charming. Are all the riders like that?”

Miss Sadie and I both couldn’t resist a chuckle at the simple question. “Not all of them Anne,” Miss Sadie said scarastically, as she began to describe the other riders and the strong influence that they and Emma have had on the town. “And then there’s Ike.....” Miss Sadie said, watching for the smile that I just couldn’t stop from spreading across my face. “Ike is sweet on Mady here.”

Anne looked down at me, an unexpected smile on her delicate features. “Oh really? He’s the quiet one right?” she asked, watching me with such interest that it made me feel kind of awkward. “I’ve seen him around town. What a polite young man he is too.” As if an afterthought, Anne raised her hand to her hip. “So you’re the one that Cody speaks of. He thinks highly of you, you know.”

I could feel the deep blush that raced through my cheeks. “He’s a wonderful person Anne. He would do anything for just about anyone and never ask for anything in return.” I felt like a salesmen, trying to get her to buy the latest model of Cody. But I knew I would never forgive myself if I let the opportunity pass at a chance to help Cody out.

As I pinned the last pin into the hem of the dress, I could hear the heavy sign that slipped from Anne’s lips. “If only Austin......” she said as a sadness filled her blue eyes. I couldn’t help noticing that she looked nearly ten years older at the thought of Cody and Austin.

“Is everything all right Miss Castenay?” I asked, wanted to do whatever I could to take the sad look away. It was too beautiful of a day to have someone so sad.

Smiling, Anne looked me over carefully, determining if she could tell me what she so desperately wanted to. Turning back to the mirror, she ran her hands down the blue satin fabric. “Are we done for today then?” she asked, eager to change the subject.

As she went to change, I couldn’t help feeling that whatever it was that she was hiding was more dangerous than she could, or would, let on. Later that afternoon, I saw her and Cody taking a stroll out near North Hill. It was wonderful to see the brilliant smile on Cody’s handsome face. I just hope that whatever it is, he doesn’t get hurt.

The rest of the afternoon had been relatively quiet, until around 2pm when Lou came barreling in the door of the dress shop, tears burning her eyes. My first thought was something bad must have happened since I hadn’t seen Ike up to that point. Grabbing me by the wrist, she began dragging me toward the door. “Mady, can I please talk to ya? I hate him,” she sobbed through her tears as she drug me out on the boardwalk and up the stairs that led to the landing outside my room.

As we settled on to the top step, Lou instantly buried her head in her hands. “Mady, I don’t know what happened. One minute we was just talking about how quiet the town was, and the next he was kissing me.” Her voice was muffled by the hands that covered her face. “I tried pushing him away, but he held me so strong.”

To say I was confused would be an understatement. “Who was kissing you? Kid? Lou, I thought you were in love with Kid. Why would.....” I asked, not quite sure what could be so bad to have her so upset.

“No Mady, Austin. I was talking with Austin down by the livery.” From the tone of her voice, I could tell that the worst was yet to come. Lifting her red-rimmed, puffy eyes to me, she fought back the sob that threatened to choke her. “And if that ain’t bad enough, next thing I feel is someone ripping me out of Austin’s arms, and shoving me to the ground. Oh God Mady, it was Kid.”

I fought the gasp that wanted so badly to escape my lips. That was not good. “What did he do?” I asked, wanting to keep her talking so that she could sort it all out in her own mind. I could see the confusion that weighed so heavily on her. “I mean it’s actually a good thing, if you think about it. If Austin was being so forceful....,” I said, hoping to present a bright side to what surely didn’t have one.

“Oh, they started arguing; I couldn’t get either of them to listen. Kid was saying all kinds of crazy stuff about how Austin was determined to ruin every relationship in town,” she said, looking out at the small hills that surrounded the town. “I tried to tell Kid that I didn’t want it, and was trying to push him away, but I don’t think he believed me. You know what was the strangest thing about it all Mady? I think Austin liked getting me and Kid into a fight. Ain’t that strange?”

I was astounded by what she had said. I knew that Kid was not exactly happy that Lou had been talking to Austin at all, but to blame her when she told him that she had nothing to do with it was so unlike him. “Mady, what am I gonna do? I love Kid. I just want him to trust me.”

We sat that way for nearly an hour, talking about Kid and love and men in general. Diary, it was so wonderful to get to have a girl my own age to talk to. But it broke my heart to see her so sad about Kid. “Lou, you have to give him time to get over it. He was just upset, especially with all the talk that has been buzzing around town about Austin.”

I knew that Lou knew exactly what I was talking about. Seemed like all anyone could talk about for the last few weeks were the Castenay children. Gossip had spread like an unwatched campfire about the marvelous accomplishments that the young man and woman had achieved. Austin was said to be highly intelligent with plans to attend college to become a doctor, and Anne a talented pianist who had received numerous awards for her skills.

Though I never thought the riders would be ones to be jealous, I guess when someone that was as handsome as Austin showed that much attention to the woman you are courtin’, I guess any man is bound to be a bit insecure about it all. But I can’t understand how Kid could think Lou would ever love someone else, knowing the way that she loved him.

After Lou decided to head back to the station to see if she could find Kid, I went in search of Austin to find out why he would want to start such trouble. After searching for a few minutes, I found him at the livery, working with his black stallion.

“Good Evenin’ Miss Madylen. You are looking especially lovely today,” he said as I approached the corral fence. Immediately, I was thrown off guard, my cheeks burning red from his compliments. He could tell the effect that his words had on me, smiling grandly as he looked me over.

I don’t know what it is diary, but he made me feel almost naked. His smiled seemed so friendly and genuine, but something in his eyes seemed so raw and animal like. I could feel my anger dissipate as I pulled back from the corral, unsettled at the way that he seemed to be looking into my very soul. “I wanted to speak to you about Lou,” I managed to get out, a growing sense of unease becoming stronger and stronger. I had never been more grateful for that corral fence that stood between us as I was at that moment.

“Aaahhh,” he said, shaking his head as he drew his hands to his hips. “Miss Mady, I can assure you. That was all a complete misunderstanding. I’m afraid I mistook Miss McCloud’s friendly nature as something more. I feel horrible,” he said as his brow furrowed, his head shaking from side to side.

But there was an intensity in his eyes that seemed to speak a whole different language. I can’t explain it diary. I know that I have not had much experience around a great deal of people, but there was something not right with Austin Castenay; something that scared me to the bone.

I shifted my attention to his horse, not wanting to continue on anymore. “He’s a beautiful animal,” I said, hoping that Austin would quit staring at me and look at the horse. Thankfully, he did.

“Oh yes, he’s a marvelous horse. I’ve had him for about a year. Would you like to ride him, Miss Mady?” he asked, focusing his eyes so strongly on me that I felt as if he were looking through me. “We could go for a ride, and you could show me some of the area that surrounds Rock Creek.”

I felt a near panic come over me; wanting more than anything to get away from Austin. But diary, I swear I don’t know why. It was just a feeling that I couldn’t shake. “Actually, I must go,” I said, turning to leave before he could even say anything. As I turned, I ran smack into Ike’s chest.

Diary, I nearly fell on my behind with as hard as I hit him. But I was so happy to see him. “Ike,” I screamed, throwing myself into his arms and showering his face with kisses. I could see that he was not happy, his eyes full of anger, but his arms still held me so tight.

Looking up into his face, I could see his eyes fixed on Austin. I glanced over my shoulder, and saw the smug look that rested on Austin’s face as he watched the two of us. I tell ya diary, I don’t know what that man is doing, but I’m worried. He is not a nice man; no matter what anyone else says about him.

Wanting more than anything to get Ike out of there, I began to rattle on at neck breaking speed. “I missed you so much,” I said as I took his cheeks in my hands, trying to draw his focus back to me. Kissing him strongly on the lips, I felt the warm security that I always did when Ike was around. “How was your trip? You have to tell me all about it,” I said, linking my arm in his and pulling him along with me.

At first, I didn’t think he was gonna budge. He stood with his chest puffed out, his face slacken of any real emotion except anger. But I think that he could hear the plea that I knew was in my voice. Slowly, he turned his full attention to me, running his fingers along the side of my face and placing a soft kiss on my lips. Oh diary, how I love that man.

Once we had turned the corner, I could feel Ike’s body relax a little as he turned more of his attention to me. ~I missed you so much.~ he signed, slipping his arm around my waist as we walked to the station house.

I don’t know exactly what it was that had him so upset at the corral. I imagined that he had probably heard what had happened to Lou. One thing I knew for sure, none of the riders were gonna let Lou or myself out of their sights now. I could just feel it.

And to tell you the truth diary, after the way that Austin had looked at me, I’m relieved to know that. Something bad is coming diary; I don’t know what. But it’s coming. I just pray that whatever it is, no one gets hurt.

July 4, 1860

Dear Diary,

There are some days in a person’s life that are etched in their memories forever. Maybe it was something simple like the way the sun looked when it rose that morning, or maybe it was something life changing like the birth of a child. Whatever the reason may be, it’s those days that fill a person’s heart for years to come. It is those days that make life worth living. Oh diary, today was definitely one of those days.

And to think that it actually started out to be one of the worst days of my life; or so I thought anyways. First of all, it was Independence Day, a day that drives our whole way of life in America. It is a day for celebration and freedom, not to mention all the wondrous activities that usually occur around town. My pa never let me go to any of them, but I heard about them. Oh diary, I heard all about them and I dreamed that one day I would get to attend them. Thank heavens I finally got my chance.

Rock Creek was a bustle of activities all day long, an all day picnic by the old church, races and games for the children to keep them busy while the older folks got to visit, a dance as night drew close in the old livery stable......and the best of all, the thing that I always dreamed of seeing most......the fireworks.

My whole life I have heard of the spectacular sight that fireworks create, lighting the sky as if trying to reach to the heavens. Oh, and the colors....diary, I have heard that the fireworks are full of colors....reds, blues, golds.....lighting the sky like magic. And they were every bit as spectacular as I ever imagined it would be.

It also happens to be my birthday. Sometimes I thought it a curse to have my birthday on a day that is meant to rejoice in the freedoms we have gained for our country, only because it always seemed to be so unimportant compared to the holiday for the nation. But then, I never was allowed to celebrate in either so I guess none of it mattered much.

One time when I was five, my ma gave me a little birthday party. It was the only time that I have ever celebrated it. Pa had gone to town on a drunken rampage cause him and ma were fighting about something.....which was nothing new. I remember I was playing out behind the house when ma called me inside.

I remember it so clear. It was one of the few times that ma was completely sober. Oh diary, she looked so beautiful. I can still picture her, her long auburn curls pulled back in a red satin ribbon. She wore a flowery skirt with a white fitted blouse. I remember wondering if ma had died and that I was seeing her angel that day cause I never saw her all cleaned up like that.

When we went inside, she had a small package wrapped in brown paper sitting on the table. I remember wondering why she would give me anything just cause it was the day I was born. When I opened the box, I remember crying ‘cause inside was the most beautiful silver comb that I had ever seen. Ma took it out and put it in my hair, taking me in her arms and promising me that everything was going to be different from now on.

It wasn’t long after that when ma left. I always tried to believe that she left because she couldn’t keep her promise about it being different. You know diary, I kept that comb with me every day for nearly ten years, hoping that one day she would come back. But in a drunken fit, pa ripped it from my hands and I never saw it again.......until tonight.

The day started out on the wrong foot. I was so excited for all the festivities, but Kid and Lou were still not on speaking terms so things were tense around the bunkhouse. Cody had left early that morning to spend the day with Anne, and Buck and Ike were no where to be found.

To say I was disappointed was an understatement. Miss Sadie tried to reassure me that where Ike was, that it must be real important for him to miss the festivities. But she kept me involved all day, her and Emma both.

I spent most of the early afternoon helping with the picnic which was interesting since cooking is not one of my better abilities. Pa never let me cook so it was something that I never got accustomed to. But help I did, and it was so nice to get to spend time with the townsfolk. Everyone made me feel so welcome.

Off and on all day I kept running into Austin, and although he was wonderfully polite and respectable, there is just something so wrong with him. He makes me feel so uncomfortable. But it was no worry, the activities kept me completely occupied.

But I couldn’t help feeling so alone without Ike. And no one seemed to know where either Ike or Buck were. Every activities that I helped with or participated in kept me watching for Ike, but to no avail.

At first, I understood that he probably had something of great importance that needed immediate attention. But as the day went on, I grew more and more upset. He knew it was my birthday, and although it had never been of any importance to anyone else in my life, I guess I just figured that, with Ike, for once it would matter.

As night fell and the dance began, I felt like crying as I watched all the happy people celebrate the wondrous holiday. I felt so alone. Lou and Kid had made up and were enjoying each others company dancing and laughing together. Cody looked quite happy, dancing closely with Anne. Whatever problems he was having with her seemed to be all but resolved. Jimmy was dancing with a young dark-haired woman that I had seen from the hotel. Emma and Sam were also at the dance as was Miss Sadie who was dutifully occupied with Teaspoon.

Sitting just outside the doors that led into the livery, I watched with great envy as the cheerful music turned foes into friends and young hearts into lovers. As I looked up at the lonely moon, all alone in the dark blue starless sky, I knew exactly how it felt.

Just when I thought that I would break down into tears, I felt the gentle hand on my shoulder. Startled out of my thoughts, I immediately jumped up and threw my arms around Ike. It wasn’t until he spoke that I realized that it wasn’t Ike. “I knew you felt it to sweet Mady,” he said, drawing me so tightly to his chest that I almost couldn’t breath.

I was completely shocked to see Austin standing before me. Pulling frantically from his grip, I managed to finally free myself from his grip. I stood panting for breath and backing away from him while he continued to move forward. “Oh Mady, come on now. I know you feel the connection between us,” he said, reaching his hand out to touch my cheek.

I felt my skin crawl at the eerie way that he spoke to me. I kept backing up until I was pressed tightly to the outside livery wall, and still he moved forward. Just as he was about to lay his hand on my cheek, I heard Lou calling my name. “Mady.......Mady.”

“Over here,” I yelled, never so relieved to hear her voice as I was at that moment. The smile slipped from Lou’s face when she saw Austin standing to closely to me. I knew she could see the terror that I felt at being in such a vulnerable position. Without saying a word, she stormed over to me and grabbed my wrist, never taking her eyes off of him. “Mady, I have something to show you.”

She drug me into the barn, shooting questions rapidly at me. “Are you all right? Did he hurt you?” she asked, her face searching mine for answers.

Smiling, I shook my head. “I’m fine Lou. So what is it that.......” I started to say, but stopped when we neared the dance area. Oh diary, I nearly fell to the ground at the wondrous sight I beheld before me.

As I turned toward the area of the livery where everyone was dancing, I saw Ike standing there before me. Diary my friend, he looked marvelous. He was dressed in a black suit, a small black ribbon tied loosely around his collar. The white shirt he wore made his tan skin look even more so and he had his red bandanna on his head.

On his face, he wore a smile so grand that I felt weak in the knees at its beauty. His eyes were so full of light and love, and in his hands was the most beautiful bouquet of wild flowers. Oh diary, I was crying without even realizing it; I was just so happy to see him.

I ran to him, nearly crushing the flowers, but wanting to have him in my arms more than anything. He dropped the flowers to his side and scooped me up in his arms, turning me around as he placed kisses on my cheeks. ~You didn’t think I would forget, did you?~ he signed once he set me gently back to the ground.

The rest of the night was like magic. We danced every dance for the rest of the night, laughing and having a wonderful time. As full night set in, we all went out to the field behind the way station to watch as Sam and Teaspoon set off the fireworks. Oh diary, it was every bit as magnificent as I always dreamed it would be.

During the fireworks, Ike turned me to face him. I could see the seriousness that rested on his face. Running his fingers along the side of my cheek, he leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on my lips. Oh how my toes do tingle every time he kisses me. He has so much passion, so much love.......he makes me feel like I am the only person that matters in the whole world.

Staring deeply into my eyes, Ike pulled a small bow from his coat pocket. ~Happy Birthday Mady.~ he signed, placing a tender kiss on the tip of my nose. ~I love you.~ Of course, I told him that he didn’t have to get me anything; he was all I would ever need. But as I opened the small brown box, I felt my heart jump in my throat.

Inside the small box was a small silver comb with a single small flower on it. Diary, I know it was not the exact same one that my mother gave me, but I swear it could have been a duplicate. I could feel the tears instantly start falling. Ike went on about wishing he could have bought me something better, something grander because I deserved it all.

But I couldn’t hear it. All I knew in that moment was that Ike McSwain had given me something more precious than any fancy jewels or expensive dresses; he had given me back a little piece of myself that I thought had been lost forever. But not only that. Ike gave me something ever more special than all the money in the world could ever buy, he gave to me his love, and that is something that I will cherish until the end of time.

July 6, 1860

Dear Diary,

There are things in this life that we hold sacred. Some people hold their Gods and religions while others see it as their families or their lives. It is these kinds of things that we hold on to that often define who we think we are. Atleast that’s what I’ve always thought.

I think that’s why I have always held my virtue so close to my heart. I have always dreamed that one day I would meet someone so special and important to my life, and in return, I would be able to share with him a part of me untouched by the world outside. Even though pa always used to say that I might as well get used to giving away what I had since it was the only thing I would ever be good for, I also hoped for better. I had always hoped that pa was wrong, and now I know that he was. Diary, last night was the most beautiful night of my life.

I know diary, it seems like I say that every single time that I share my thoughts with you. But I can’t help it. Every day that i spend with Ike seems to only get better. He is everything that I ever dreamed a man could be. And now, not only is he the love of my life, but he is also my lover.

Yes diary, can you believe it? I’m not sure that I still can. But, oh diary, it was the most amazing experience I have ever had. I never knew that sharing my whole self with someone could be so powerful, so fulfilling. Not only did I learn something about love and the hand that life deals you, but I feel like I learned something about myself as well. I learned that I am not my father’s daughter; I am a woman that is worthy of life and love just like anyone else.

Ike had come to the dress shop early yesterday afternoon, wanting to make up for his absense on the day of July 4th. I tried to assure him that the glorious evening we had shared at the dance and then the fireworks more than made up for it, but he insisted that we go for a long afternoon ride; just the two of us. As you can imagine diary, I certainly didn’t argue. I cherish every moment that I spend with Ike.

It was a wonderful afternoon. The sun was bright and the sky was clear, and all that existed were Ike and I. We rode out deep into the lands that surrounded the weigh station, stopping in fields of flowers and by small streams and brooks. We laughed, we talked, we kissed, and I felt the desires, that so often had laid low in the core of my womanhood, growing intensely stronger.

Every touch and every carress seemed as if Ike were stroking the fires that burned within me. But it wasn’t just me; Ike too was growing restless with the brewing desires of our love. I could see it in the way that he looked at me; so much love and caring, yet a need as strong as the sun to share his entire being with me.

It was late when we made it back to the bunkhouse, and although the sun was dissappearing from the afternoon sky, our need to love one another grew with each passing moment. The weigh station itself was quiet; Emma and most of the riders having already gone to bed. Though niether of us made mention of the privacy the early bed times afforded us, I know it was foremost in our minds.

We lead the horses into the barn and rubbed them down, tossing hay at one another and playing around like children. Once we had the horses taken care of, Ike took my hand and started toward the stairs that led to the loft of the barn. Diary, I could see that he was eagar to share our love, his desire written on his face. And for a fleeting moment, I questioned whether Ike was the “one”; the person that completed my life.

He most have been able to sense my hesitation. Pulling me into his arms, he kissed me with such passion and such love that any questions that might have been in my mind slipped away. Instead I followed eagerly.

When we got to the top of the loft, Ike opened the small door that looked out onto the empty land that surrounded the station. As the cool evening breeze blew up around us, Ike drew me into his arms, devouring my lips as his hands roamed my body. But the coolness of the wind was quickly forgotten for I felt only the heat of his desire and my need for our union, for our bodies to become one.

Lowering me into the soft bed of hay that lined the loft, Ike made love to me until the morning dawn. Oh diary, I felt so many emotions that I wasn’t sure how to deal with them. It was scary and exciting and pleasureably all at the same time. At one point, I even began to cry.

Even now, I’m not exactly sure why I started to cry. Maybe it was for the loss that I knew would occur as i gave up a part of my youth and innocence. Or maybe it was for the pure and true happiness that I finally felt as sure as the air that I breathed. Ike was so terrified that he held me in his arms, reassuring me with his love and comforting me in the knowledge that everything was right with the world, and that everything was right with us. Deep in my heart I knew that I had nothing to fear, but Ike’s compassion certainly put all my apprehensions to rest. Again we made love and it wasn’t until shortly before dawn that we wrapped ourselves in each other’s arms, completely exhausted and perfectly content.

As we lay together on our soft bed of straw, we watched the sun break through the dawning of a new day. It was so amazingly beautiful, and I felt as if I were seeing it for the first time. I couldn’t help thinking that the way the sun broke through the small string of clouds that dotted the sky, and the brilliant streams of light that shone down on the sleeping earth was God’s way of smiling at Ike amd my love for one another.

He must have been as inspired by the new day dawning as I was because I felt his manliness growing against my back. His flesh was like pure energy, sparking little fires all over my body where his skin seemed to meld to mine. As his lips laid a small trail of kisses along my neck, I couldn’t contain the smile that grew on my weary face. His hands began their exploration of my body once again, and I felt an awakening deep within my very core that was both frightened and alive at the same time.

Never had I known was it was to give myself so completely to someone, putting all my hopes and dreams, trust and faith, love and friendship into one person......until Ike. He held everything I was in his hands. He had my heart and my soul, and now my virture as well. And with an assured certainty that surpasses even faith, I know that giving myself to Ike is what was meant to be.

July 7, 1860

Dear Diary,

Why is it that just when I think that luck and good fortune have found me, something happens to swing them back the other way. Just two nights ago, I spent the most memorable night of my life in Ike’s arms.. But tonight, I was uncertain if I would ever even be able to see him again.

I guess I should be grateful that Ike and the others showed up when they did. Otherwise, it really could have been a lot worse. In that respect, you could say that luck really was on my side tonight after all. Oh diary, it’s so hard to even remember how it all started in the first place.

There were several new projects at the dress shop that came in over the past couple of days, so Miss Sadie and I were fairly busy for most of the day. Mr. Thompkins had come in the day before to be fitted for a new suit. Why he would need a new suit I have no idea. I figured it was to impress Miss McCray, the new school marm.

Anyway, we worked on the jacket most of the day, making alterations as was needed. We also had to put the finishing touches for Anne Castenay’s dress. We even had Emma in the shop today, picking out fabrics and choosing patterns for a dress. Sam was quite pleased.

As late afternoon rolled around, Miss Sadie wanted to have Mr. Thompkins try on the new coat before we finalized the last alterations. It had cooled off a great deal by that time of the day to which I was quite thankful for. The shop had felt like an oven all morning so naturally I was glad for the fresh air.

I took my time strolling down the boardwalk as I headed toward the store. I hadn’t seen Ike at all and began wondering what he was doing at that moment. While my mind wondered off to our beautiful night that we shared together, I heard yelling coming from a nearby alley.

Now diary, you know that I am certainly not one to concern myself in the affairs of others. I would never intruded. So I’m still not quite sure why it was that I looked down the alley as I passed to see what the commotion was about. And even though what I saw filled me with rage, it was stupid of me to involve myself in the situation.

Austin stood with his hands holding far too tightly to Anne’s small fragile arms. He shook her with such vigor, shouting angrily in her face. “I thought I told you to stay away from that no good rider. He is beneath you Anne. I told you that,” he shouted, his eyes burning holes in the frightened young woman.

“But I love him,” she said, almost in a whisper, as tears of fear ran down her pale silky cheeks. Even as the last of her words were slipping from her mouth, Austin had drawn his hand back as he waited for her to finish. With great force, he let his hand fly, the back of it leaving a blazing red mark on her skin.

“Don’t you dare talk back to me Anne,” he screamed, drawing his hand back a second time and connecting with such force that the young woman was thrown to the ground.

I stood watching the grizzly scene unfold before my eyes and couldn’t think of what to do. It was an atrocious sight. As Austin drew back his expensive, highly polished black boot, I felt a strong need to protect the fallen woman. “Austin, NO!!” I yelled as I ran toward Anne.

Completely off guard by my interference, Austin stepped back from his sister, leaving her crumpled like a heap of old rages. Instead he turned toward me, and I nearly stopped in my tracks at the look of utter malicious contempt that covered his face. Suddenly, I felt sick in my stomach at my careless actions for I knew that Austin was determined to make someone pay for whatever crime had been perpetrated this morning.

“Well good afternoon Mady,” he said, his disdain marking every word. “You are looking especially lovely.” His arms snaked out so quickly that I didn’t even realize that I was tightly in his grasp until I felt his alcohol laden breath on my face. Everything was in a whirlwind around me as Austin pushed me forcibly against the building that lined the alleyway.

Finally able to gather my senses, I tried to scream but was immediately quieted as Austin forced his mouth over mine, his tongue poking my lips and teeth. Oh diary, you can’t even begin to imagine the terror that took hold of my heart. No one knew that I was there, even if we were right in town. My only thought was to make noise; someone would have to hear it.

“You think you are too good for me. You think that I’m not as worthy as some useless trash like that rider fellow,” he said, his hand brought immediately to cover my mouth when he had removed his lips from mine. The sheer size of the hand that he held to my face was so great that he covered both my mouth and nose, completely cutting my air off all together.

Austin continued his grumbled, spiteful whisper, but the lack of oxygen began to cause me to panic. I started to fight with all of my might, thrashing about and pushing him away. But Austin was much stronger than I will ever be.

It seemed like a split second from the time that he took his hand off of my mouth to the time that I felt the sharp sting on my cheek as his hand collided with my face. Stunned, my fight subsided as my poor unprepared mind tried to organize all that was happening to me. That was when I realized that Austin had much more diabolical plans than just to steal a kiss.

Feeling large rough hands grab my breast, tears fell from my eyes. I was helpless and I felt utterly alone as he pressed himself against me, his hand freely roaming my body. Again, I started to scream out, but Austin was one step ahead of me.

This time it was a closed fist that landed such a powerful jab to my face that I saw small white stars fill my vision. I felt my lip split immediately, hot wet liquid slipping down my face from the wound, and I could hear his vulgar and disgraceful words as he tried gathering up my skirts as I stood helplessly pressed to the building behind me. Everything seemed so out of control, and then it happened. Austin made a mistake.

From the moment he took his hand off of my mouth, grabbing hold of my blouse and ripping it open, I knew that would probably be my only chance. Taking advantage of the situation, I started to scream, loud and shrill and full of fear. I screamed until I felt my lungs hurt as Austin tried frantically to cover my mouth again. The second punch to my face was strong enough to do it too.

His hold on me faltered as he tried to cover my mouth which sent me crashing into the earth. My head bounced off of the dirt covered ground and immediately my vision began to fade all together. But the thought of Austin having his way with my body was enough to bring me back to full attention. That’s when I saw Ike.

Oh diary, he was like the white knight in the fairy tales, coming from no where to rescue the damsel in distress; always rushing in with only the safety of the princess on his mind. Jimmy, Cody and Buck followed close behind him and at the mouth of the alley, I could see Anne crying as she was comforted in Lou’s arms.

I don’t remember much of what else followed. There was movement all around me. I could hear the sickening sound of flesh pounding on flesh as bones cracked and blood began to flow. There were shouts and yelling as names were hollered and threats were made, and I could hear Cody asking if they should go after him.

But as I lay there, my head aching to the point of wanting just to go to sleep, I felt the hands that gathered me up and once again, I began to scream. Struggling against the arms that scooped me up, it wasn’t until I caught of a whiff of his scent that I opened my eyes.

Diary my friend, Ike didn’t know which way was up. All he could do was hold me. I felt myself being rocked and I was never so happy to see anyone as I was Ike. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him as if my life depended on it.

Ike was a Godsend. He gently stroked my hair as he sat on the ground, holding me in his arms. I could hear voices and questions and commotion, but I concentrated only on Ike’s loving touch.

After several minutes I felt a coat being put over my shoulders and looked up to see Cody standing over us. He offered me his brilliant smile as he ran a caring hand down the back of my hair. “You’re gonna be all right now,” he said, drawing the coat tighter on my shoulders and walking back toward Anne.

It was only then that I could muster up the ability to look around us. It seemed like everyone was in that alleyway. Anne stood crying in Cody’s arms while Jimmy, Buck and Kid talked quietly amongst themselves. I could hear someone shouting my name, the sound drifting down the alley as it approached.

Oh diary, it was the most frightening moment in my life. I looked down to see my blouse ripped; even my camisole was in shreds. Slipping my arms into Cody’s buckskin coat, I drew it tightly to my chest as Miss Sadie burst through the gathering crowd. Immediately, she drew me in her arms, embracing me with a mother’s touch.

As the excitement began to die down, people faded back to their own lives, leaving us in the alley. Eventually Ike and Miss Sadie took me back to the dress shop, insisting that I rest. Though Miss Sadie was not comfortable with the idea, I begged for Ike to stay with me while I slept. I knew that I would never be able to close my eyes without knowing that Ike was there.

The thing that frightens me the most diary is that Austin is still out there somewhere. As more people had begun to gather, Austin had seized the moments of confusion and slipped out of the alley. Anne went back to the bunkhouse with Cody and the others while Ike kept vigil over me. Everyone feared that Austin would return with the intentions of finishing what he had started. At least, that’s what I was worried of.

And as much as I hate to admit it, I know that I will never be the same diary. I lost something when Austin attacked me, a little part of me that I had always taken for granted. I lost my ability to trust. And I know that I will never get that back.

July 8, 1860

Dear Diary,

Once again, life’s unforeseen turns and twists have struck. Never in my life could I have imagined living through what happened today. I never even thought that a person could be so perfectly calm and together on the outside, and yet hide a uncontrollable beastly heart within. But Austin Castaney did, and no one expected it to go as far as it did today.

After the confrontation with Austin the day before, none of the riders had let me out of their sights. I felt safe; even loved them all for their concern and caring. But I felt smothered as well.

After helping Emma do some repairs around the main house, I decided to take a walk. I needed a few minutes alone to clear my thoughts after everything that had happened. Ike was working in the corral, exercising a mare that had a tender hoof. Jimmy, Lou and Buck were working on the barn, and Teaspoon was no where to be found. My only obstacle was Cody.

The moment I walked away from the house, I could hear his footsteps behind me. Turning, I saw Cody standing before me, his thumbs hitched in his gun belt and a wide grin on his face. “Just taking a walk,” he said casually.

I tried to reassure him that Austin would never be dumb enough to attack me at the station when everyone was so close. I also tried to make him realize that Austin definitely wouldn’t try another assault knowing that everyone would be more on guard. But from the look on Cody’s face, I knew that I could have told him that the President had given me strict orders to be alone and it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. He still would follow. Instead, I continued walking.

The afternoon sun was so warm that it surrounded me like a cocoon, protecting me with its strong comfort and warm. A soft breeze danced through the tall grass and off in the distance I could hear only the soft chirping of the birds, the faint ruffle of grass as Cody followed behind me, and the uneasy feeling of perfection. I can feel the smile slipping from my face as the sound of both the birds and grass seemed to stop. The wind whipped up the white petal pieces of a grown dandelion all around me and I could feel the sense of danger so strong, it seemed to buzz in my ears.

Just as I was about to turn back to Cody to see if he was still behind me, I heard the horrifying explosion as it ripped from the weapon of destruction. Two shots were fired into the calm morning air, and all I can remember is the whirlwind of dandelions as they swirled around me, their movements almost synchronized as if in a dance.

It wasn’t until I heard the gurgled cry as it whispered on the wind that I was able to pull my attention way from the flower dance. Turning toward the origin of the gunfire, I could see the pained expression on Cody’s face as his arms were drawn out to his sides. I tell ya diary, it was slow motion.

He arched his back as shock covered his face, his head lulling back in an ackward position. It would have almost been comical the way it all seemed to move if it weren’t for the look of terror in his eyes and the thin line of blood that fell from the side of his bottom lip.

It seemed like an eternity that he was suspended in mid air, stuck between standing up right and falling to his knees. But finally, the weight won out, pulling him down hard. I don’t know why, but even up to that point, I didn’t understand what was going on. It was surreal, and I was simply an outside observer, even though my body was in front of the grizzly scene.

It wasn’t until Cody feel forward, and Austin came into full view, the smoking gun still in his hands, that my mind began to wrap itself around what was happening. Though the marks of his beating the previous afternoon were still strongly visible, a look of triumph rested on Austin’s face as he smiled at me. But there was something in that smile that scared me more the savage way he had cut Cody down. There was pure madness; the kind of madness that crossed boundaries and built their own realities in the mind of some unsuspecting fool.

He stood looking at Cody for a few moments while time seemed to have stopped. He must have realized that I was there. As he looked up at me, our eyes locked and I saw so much chaos and anarchy that something finally broke in me. I began to scream, screaming for everything that I was worth. I wanted to help Cody; I wanted to run to his side. But I was too afraid to go near him.

Instead I took off at a full run, gathering up the layers of my skirt as much as I possibly could and running with everything in me. I wanted to stop screaming, my throat growing raw and sore, but I couldn’t. It just came out, no matter what I tried to tell myself.

As I tried to put distance between us, I could almost feel him gaining on me, coming closer and closer. Trying to see where he was, I didn’t even notice the rock that lay right in my path. Falling forward, my arms flailed to my sides as I hit the ground, landing on a rocky, gravely piece of ground.

Quickly, I rolled over, wanting to face my death rather than close my eyes to it for I knew it was at hand. The hairs on the back of my neck told me that. Pulling my self up as best I could, I drew my arms around my chest, and lifted my head to meet the eyes of the madman.

As he raised his gun to fire at me, gunfire filled the air like nothing I have ever heard. I drew my arms to cover my head, but not before seeing the expression on Austin’s face as his body was riddled with bullets.

Even in his last moments, he appeared to be sizing me up, wondering just what it would take to con me out of everything I had. But his death was not met with dignity and grace. No, it was met with shame and disbelief as his body convulsed into quick sharp movements. Blood gurgled up in his mouth, spilling out briefly as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Instead of slipping to the earth as Cody had done, Austin was knocked backwards. His legs looked as if they were knocked out from under him, pulling themselves up into the air. His arms appeared to be trying to wrap around his bullet riddles chest before falling to the sides as he landed on the ground. Diary, it was like nothing I had ever seen before.

As the bullets stopped, the noise around me was still deafening. The sounds of voices and hoof prints, of panicked movements and gasping realizations, and a scream that would not stop. I felt someone shaking me, having closed my eyes when Austin had fallen to the ground. Only then did I realize that the scream was mine.

Only when Ike had wrapped his protective arms around me did my terrified screams turn to sobs. Diary, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how long I sat there in Ike’s arms, crying my heart out. Time seemed to have lost its relevance.

Oh diary, it is only by the grace of the Almighty that the bullet meant to kill Cody had hit him high in the shoulder. Instead, he suffered a great deal of pain and a lot of blood loss, but he will come through it just fine.

I’m terrified to think what would have happened had Cody not been there. As horrible as it is that he was shot, I am ever grateful that it wasn’t me. I fear that Austin’s shot may not have been so off centered if it had been me.

I’ve never seen someone die before. Diary, I can still picture so perfectly the look of complete and utter surprise on Austin’s face as the bullets ripped his flesh apart. It was a look of shock and disbelief. Austin looked as if he had been betrayed by some unseen force that he may have felt owed him something more.

Seeing something like that really made me start to think about my life and how short it really can be. Sooner or later I am going to have to decide what I will do with my life. The brush with death that I experienced really made me begin thinking about just how short life can be. We need to learn to seize the moment and live every day like it’s our last, though I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

July 11, 1860

Dear Diary,

My old friend, I turn to you with a heavy heart. Since the day that Austin shot Cody, I haven’t been myself. I feel sadness and loss and a sense of uncertainty that I had never realized before. Life can be over in the blink of an eye and so many things may be missed if we go through life with our eyes closed.

Oh diary, I don’t know if anything I say is making sense. My mind feels like a wild horse, skittish and jousled. Seeing Austin die, the light in his eyes extinguished forever, made me realize how much there is that I still want to do in my life.

Don’t get me wrong; I would never mourn for Austin. He nearly ended Cody’s life. No, it’s more of a realization that I need to take back control of my own life. Diary, I feel that I have spent the majority of my life existing for lack of any other way out. But now, I feel an inner strength that I have never felt before.

Maybe it comes from the love that I have for Ike. He is an amazing and wonderful aspect of my life. Or maybe it comes from the changes that have occurred in my life since coming to Rock Creek. I think some of it comes from Miss Sadie, a woman that has been more of a mother to me than my own mother ever could have been. With her love and guidance, I feel like I have grown to realize that I do have worth as a woman and as a human being.

I have often wondered what it is like out in the world, in the world beyond the walls of Rock Creek. The lands go on for miles and miles in all direction and I’m sure that there have to be any number of marvels out there. Some are already found and yet, there are those that still wait to be discovered.

Oh diary, I know that in the untamed lands of the West, the Fates are tested nearly every day. People face death all the time. Some win; some lose. So why is it that I feel like I can’t let this new found wonder of the world simply drift from my mind. Why do I feel like I need to do something more with my life?

Diary, I’m so confused. Miss Sadie sat down with me today. We drank tea and talked of all sorts of wonderful things. It was so nice to feel the kind of attention that Miss Sadie gives to me. She really seems to care what I think and how I am feeling. I love her like she was my own mother. But diary, she made me an offer that I‘m not exactly sure what to think of.

I knew that Miss Sadie had wanted to expand her business for some time now. She always talked of how successful she had become in the town of Rock Creek, most of which she kept attributing to me. Of course, I know that it was Miss Sadie’s wonderful ability to dealing with people, but it was nice to hear her praise. That was when she offered me a store in St. Joseph.

I tell ya diary, I nearly fainted. Never in my life did I think that I would own my very own dress shop. Miss Sadie said that a banker friend of hers has been pursuing her to move into bigger cities, knowing the success that would ultimately come from such a venture. But Miss Sadie wasn’t sure that she wanted to leave Rock Creek. She had spent much of her life living in big cities.

What she wants is for me to run the store. Diary, what was I to say. The thought of my own store, of the foreign and undiscovered territory of a big city, of the chance to really have something for myself and do something with my life, it was all more than I could grasp at the time of our talk.

Even with all its magnificent possibilities, my only thoughts are of Ike. Diary, what am I gonna do? I love Ike more than I have ever loved anyone. He is my heart and soul and the breath that I breathe. But don’t I also owe it to myself and to Ike to make something of my life?

Diary, I know I could ask Ike to come with me; I’m sure that he would. I know that he loves me just as much as I love him. But I don’t think that I can ask such a thing of him. His life is in Rock Creek. His job is with the Pony Express. The riders and Emma are his family, though I often think of them as mine as well. I just don’t know if I could live with myself for making him leave the only home that he has ever known since he was a child.

Oh diary my friend, I don’t know what to think. The stress of the last few days have taken such a toll on me. I’m tired even after I sleep. I look over my shoulder every time I go anywhere and I jump at the smallest sounds. Is that any way to live a life?

Ike has been there for me every second of every day, and here I think of leaving him in search of my own wants. Diary, I am such a horrible person. He has done everything in his power to make me feel safe and comforted. Yet, I think of leaving.....

Oh my oldest friend, I have to straighten out my thoughts. I love Ike more than life, but if it’s the purest of loves, wouldn’t it be possible for it to stand the tests of time? Could our love not survive the distance?

July 13, 1860

Dear Diary,

My dear friend, I didn’t know it was possible to shed so many tears. My mind is a tortured mess. I love Ike so much, but I also want this opportunity too. When Miss Sadie first told me of her thoughts of opening a new store, what she failed to tell me was that if I wanted to run it, I had to leave right away. I just don’t know if I can do that.

The banker friend of hers has a store already picked out on one of the finest streets in St. Joe, and he assures her that it will be a success. The local newspaper is ready to run several stories on the new shop to help drum up business. Several orders are ready to be placed for materials, and all that is left is for Miss Sadie to sign the papers.

Last night I talked with Ike about the store and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Of course his first reaction was to come with me, and no one knows better than you diary how much I want that. But when I started talking about what it would mean, him leaving everything he knew, I could see the smallest hint of doubt in his green eyes.

Oh diary, Ike is so amazing. We talked about everything, about possibly getting married and what it would mean to the both of us. We talked of him moving to St. Joe and of me staying in Rock Creek with him. In the hay loft, we laid in each others arms until dawn, trying to reason everything out.

Oh, I know that reason has nothing to do with love, and that if I really and truly loved Ike I could never even think of leaving him. But I think that it’s because I love him so much that I am considering it. And I think that Ike really understood that.

As the dawn broke, Ike rolled toward me up on his elbow. Brushing at the hair that tickled at the corner of my eye, I could see that he had made his decision to stay. Oh diary, I felt my heart break in two at the thought of leaving him, but I completely understood his decision.

He gently caressed my cheek with the back of his hand as several tears slid from his troubled eyes. I wanted to save him as much pain as possible so I quickly shock my head and whispered, “I understand.” Taking his cheeks in my hands, I kissed him for all that I was worth and I felt a deep ache in the pit of my soul.

With nothing more to say on the subject, Ike folded me in his arms and made love to me one last time. Oh diary, it was the most beautiful moment in my life. I know I’ve said it a million times before, but I never dreamed love could feel so good and hurt so much all at the same time. But one things for certain, I will never love anyone the way that I love Ike McSwain.

Now, as I sit here looking at my empty room, all I can think about are his clear green eyes, and the way that they crinkle from the big beautiful smile that he often wears. I can almost smell him on my skin, feel his fingers on my face, taste his kiss. God diary, I love him so much.

The moon is hanging low in the sky tonight, and I can’t help wondering if I am making the right decision. I guess it’s kind of late at this point since Miss Sadie has already bought my ticket on the noon stage tomorrow. I get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of St. Joe in all its grandeur, but I’ve been trying not to think about it.

Emma and the riders were sad to hear that I was leaving and so quickly, but I think they understood. They said that they would be at the stage office to see me off, though I’m not so sure I’ll be able to handle that. Ike said that he wouldn’t come. He said it would hurt too much, so he took the morning run from Cody. I hate that he won’t be there, but I told him that I understood because it seemed like it what was easier for him.

I know that it’s not like I am moving to another country. St. Joe is not far from Rock Creek. Cody has promised to visit every chance he gets. But it’s not the same. Distance changes people. I guess it’s like that old saying, “You can never go back.” I mean of course, you can go back, but things are never the same way as they once were. I just hope that I am making the right decision.

July 14, 1860

Dear Diary,

I can barely see the paper that I write on through the tears that I cry. I never realized how attached I had become to Rock Creek and all those that inhabit the small Nebraska town until today.

When Miss Sadie and I left the dress shop this afternoon, bound for the stage office, I nearly fainted at all the people that were waiting on the boardwalk to say their good-byes. Miss Sadie says that I have a great effect on people, though I’m not sure exactly what she means. But it was so nice to see everyone that came. I burst into tears immediately.

I couldn’t believe all the people. Mr. Thompkin’s and Doc Barton, Miss Jenkins and old man Wheeler, several of the women from the hotel and customers of the shop, Emma and all the riders.....all except Ike.

I felt my heart sink when Buck told me that he did take the morning run after all, and I could see in his big brown eyes the worry that he had for his best friend. Kissing the Kiowa on the cheek, I whispered in his ear, “Please take care of him, Buck.”

Buck smiled, taking both of my hands in his. “I will. You too,” he said before slipping into the background.

Emma was so hard to say goodbye to. She had become like a third mother to me next to Miss Sadie. She looked so pretty in the afternoon sun, her hair glowing like fire. Drawing me tightly into her embrace, she kissed me on the cheek. “You make sure you come back and visit us. Make sure you take care of yourself Mady,” she said, a forced smile on her face and she drew away from me and headed back toward the bunkhouse with Sam close at her heels.

One by one, we said our good-byes, and all the while I kept an eye out for Ike. I know he said that he didn’t want to see me leave, but I guess deep down I had hoped that he would be there.

Next to Ike, Cody was the hardest to leave. He had become like a brother to me, my best friend. He sauntered up to me with his usual confident lop-sided grin, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. Running his fingers along my cheeks, his brilliant blue eyes dug deep into my soul. “I’m sure gonna miss you kiddo,” he said, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

I threw my arms around him and clung to his neck for everything I was worth. When the stage master said that it was time for us to pull out, I really didn’t think I was gonna be able to let go of Cody’s neck. But bless his heart, he didn’t let go of me either. As long as I held on, he held on too, and that filled my heart so full of love.

After the second time the stage master said that it was time to get moving, Miss Sadie finally took hold of my shoulder and gently pulled me back from Cody’s arms. “Mady hon, we have to go.”

Fighting back the sobs that threatened my body, I wiped unconsciously at the tears that stained my cheeks. Cody placed one more kiss on my forehead before moving toward the back of the group and slipping an arm around Anne’s waist, who stood quietly crying.

Taking one final look, hoping with everything in me that Ike would be there, I signed heavily when I realized that he really wasn’t gonna be there. Resigned to leave without seeing him one last time, I held the door open for Miss Sadie and then pulled myself into the stage. Latching the door tightly, I took one finally look around at the small town of Rock Creek.

The stage pulled slowly out and rolled bumpily down the dirt street as the hot sun hung high over head. Miss Sadie laid a hand on my back and allowed me to just cry as the last of the buildings on Main Street passed by. Just as we were turning on to the road that led out of Rock Creek, I saw him and screamed for the driver to stop.

Oh diary, I think I was out of that stage before the driver could even bring the horses to a halt. Ike was running from the bunkhouse and I dove into his arms as I met him in the middle of the street. I could hear shouts and clapping, but the only thing that I knew for sure was the feeling of Ike’s arms.

I showered his face in kisses as he did the same to me. We clung to each other so tightly as we poured a lifetime of love into those precious few seconds that we had left. I placed my hands on his cheeks, feeling the tears that lined his cheeks as I tried so hard to kiss them away.

I looked into his eyes one more time and I knew that I had been blessed with the most purest of loves and that I would treasure it always. “I love you,” I choked out through the sobs that I could no longer control.

With his usual graceful movements, he signed it back. ~I love you too.~ With a tearful smile, he handed me a small box wrapped in brown paper. A thin twine string was wrapped around the box, holding a single daisy to its top.

I looked up and before I could say anything he put a finger to my lips. With one more tender kiss on my lips, he ran his hand along my arm until my hand fell into his. ~Don’t ever forget that.~ he signed, kissing me gently on the forehead.

The stage driver was getting upset. “Ma’am, I have to leave so you need to either get in or I’m leaving without ya,” he said in a huff, his face red with anger.

I knew I had to get in, but I couldn’t make myself go. Ike must have seen it because he took several steps back from me, letting my hand slowly slip from his. As his fingertips ran across the palm of my hand, I wanted more than anything to reach out and grab a firm hold on them. But I didn’t, and when my hand finally slipped completely out of his and fell gently to my side, I knew that he would never be mine again.

Now, Rock Creek is behind us, a tiny spot on the horizon. I don’t know how long it was that I sat here perfectly still, Ike’s small package in my lap, just staring out the window. I swore one time that I could see him off in the distance, following on his horse, but I think it was more wishful thinking.

As if in a daze, I opened the small box and smiled brightly. Inside was a package of beautiful ivory stationary with a small bouquet of wildflowers in the top left corner of the paper. Also inside was a new quill and a bottle of ink. A small note was placed on top of the stationary package, scribed in Ike’s ackward scratchy pen.

If I can’t have you here,
Then at least send me your love.
Yours always
Ike McSwain

Oh diary, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve someone like Ike McSwain, but I sure do thank whichever God sent him to me. Ike gave me so much, more than I think he will ever know. He taught me how to live, how to believe in myself and most importantly, how to love. I know that no matter where I go in my life from now on, he will always be in my heart.

March 2, 1861

Dear Diary,

Diary, my oldest and dearest friend. It’s been nearly seven and a half months since I picked up your pages and poured out my soul. My life has changed a great deal since then and it’s only beginning. My days in Rock Creek may be gone, but it still holds an immense space in my heart.

Settling in St. Joe was an important step in my life. It gave me the room I needed to grow and find my own identity. I not only work in a dress shop now, but I own the shop. Miss Sadie’s banker friend was a great deal of help to me in getting everything started, but it was all my doing for the shop’s success. I only wish my pa could see me now; see how wrong he was about me.

Oh diary, I do miss Rock Creek terribly. Ike and Miss Sadie have written often, keeping me posted on the goings on in the small Nebraska town. When I first left, Ike would write every week, sharing every detail of his life. He even visited twice the first month I left. But as time went on, he wrote less and less. Oh diary, even now I love him more than life itself. But I know it had to be this way.

Miss Sadie’s letters still come every week without fail. It is Miss Sadie’s latest letter that has caused me to need your comfort, diary my friend. She spoke of a new love in Ike’s life, a sweet young woman named Emily. She said that they seemed quite happy, even though she knew he still missed me. But life does move on diary and so it did with my love and I.

Her letter also spoke of Ike’s death, a simple mistake that went completely wrong. Oh diary, when I read that my love had died, I felt a little piece of my heart die with him. My first thought was that if I had never left, maybe he would still be alive. But I know Fate is cruel sometimes and completely out of our hands.

So with tears in my eyes, I return to you, my trusted friend. I look through your pages and remember all the wonderful times that I spent with Ike, the things we did, the words we shared, the love we made. Diary, I know that there will never be another love for me like the one that I shared with Ike.

Although he may be gone from this world, he left a little piece of himself behind. The child that grows in my tummy is his gift that he gave to me, the greatest gift a person can receive next to an undying love. Oh diary, how will my son know just how special his father really was. I hope through you diary, he will be able to see the love that Ike and I shared. Oh Ike my love, what will I do without you? You will never be able to see our child grow.

What shall I name our son, Ike my love? Shall I call him Jimmy so that he may be strong and proud, even if a bit foolish at times? Shall I call him Cody so that he may see the adventure to be had and to live life to its fullest? Shall I call him Buck so that he may see the hope that still exists in a world that can be so very cruel at times? Shall I call him Kid so that he may always try to do what’s right, even when the path isn’t so clear? Shall I call him Lou so that he may see the world in its purist form, full of love and friendship, finding comfort in himself as well as others?

Or shall I call him Ike, in honor of his father so that he may see all the love that people are capable of, even in their darkest hour? Shall he bear the name of a man so great that he could lift a heart with a simple smile? Would he honor the name of a man that gave his mother the greatest gift of all, to believe in herself?

I think I shall name him Chance. For that is what Ike McSwain gave to me, a chance at life, a chance to love, a chance to bring our child into this world and teach him all the valuable traits that made Ike and the other riders so remarkable. So yes diary, Ike may be gone from this world, but he will always live on....in my heart, in your pages, and in my child’s eyes...........

The End

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