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Nineteen by Alana
Buffy yawned as her alarm clock rang off. She groaned as she opened her eyes. Morning comes too soon.
"Come on Buffy," Willow, her friend, and dorm-mate chimed. "Rise and shine."
"You know Will," Buffy joked. "They kill people like you for being WAY to much of a morning person." Willow laughed
as she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth.
"I can't believe you," Willow laughed. "You've forgotten what day it is."
"What?" Buffy asked, very confused. She needed caffeine, soon. Her brain wasn't working yet. "What'd I forget?"
"I'll give you a hint: Happy Birthday to You," she sang.
"Oh God," Buffy groaned with realization. "I must have forced it out of my mind."
"Why would you do that?" Willow asked between brushes. Buffy sighed, remembering her past two birthdays.
"Well I don't exactly have a great track record," she complained. "Last year I turned all non-slay, and the year
before…" Buffy trailed off. The year before she and Angel made love, and he lost his soul. Buffy felt a lump in her throat.
Thinking about Angel always did that to her.
"Look, Buffy," Willow said, obviously aware of what Buffy had been thinking. "I know you're birthdays haven't always
been…." She struggled for the right word. "Fun, but that's why we have to try extra hard this year to break that
tradition." Buffy offered a smile for her friend's sake. Willow patted her on the arm. "See, that's the spirit! Now, get
dressed."
Buffy walked to her psyche class slowly. She hated herself for it, but she didn't want to see Riley right now. She sighed.
Why did she have to do this to herself? Riley was a great guy. But so was Angel…
"No!" she scolded herself. "I can't think about him." She tried to concentrate on something less depressing. "Cake!" she
came up with. "Yummy." She kept her mind off Angel for a few minutes while she focused on the goodness that is cake.
"Buffy!" Riley called out as he ran across the field in front of Stevenson Hall. Buffy had just stepped out the door.
"Riley," she said, a hint of disappointment in her voice. "Hey."
"So…" he said. Buffy nodded. Riley smiled, then reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small box. "Happy birthday,
Buffy," he said as he handed it to her. Buffy was shocked. She hadn't remembered her birthday herself, how did Riley
know?
"How…?" she started, but he cut her off.
"Let's just say I had a tip from a certain red-head, who will remain anonymous." Buffy smiled. She should have known.
This had Willow written all over it.
"Thank you," she said.
"Aren't you going to open it?" Buffy pulled off the ribbon and lifted the lid. She peered in to see a cross, hung on a
delicate silver chain. Like the one Angel had given her. She closed the box.
"It's to keep you safe," Riley explained. He saw the expression on her face. "If you don't like it I can return it…"
"No!" Buffy protested. "I like it, it's nice."
"Nice…"
"It's beautiful. Thank you." She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. He gave a smile, although unconvinced.
"Are you ok Buffy? I mean, you seem…off."
"Ya…um," she stopped. What good would pouring her heart out do anyway? "I'm fine, just tired. I had a long night.
You know, slaying." It wasn't really a lie. She did go slaying last night, and she was tired. So that wasn't why she was
off, as he had put it, but it wasn't such a big deal. It wasn't a lie, she thought again, convincing herself more than anything.
She was just protecting him from her past, something that would only cause problems anyway. That's it.
"Ok," he said, convinced. "Walk you to class?"
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken," Professor Walsh said to her psychology class. "If you
want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with
hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that
casket -safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable,
and irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
Buffy repeated this in her mind. To love is to be vulnerable. Buffy laughed. It certainly didn't sound like a dream come
true.
"Miss Summers," Maggie Walsh called to Buffy. "Since you have everyone's attention, would you mind sharing your
views with the rest of us?" Buffy took a deep breath.
"If you wear your heart out for all to see, you can find happiness and joy and all that you've ever dreamed of," she felt a
lump rise in her throat. "But you risk having it bruised. You risk showing someone who you are and all that you stand for,
only to have them walk out of your life without so much as a good-bye." Her vision blurred. She casually rubbed her
eyes.
"Thank you, Buffy," Walsh said sincerely. "You may be excused if you wish."
Buffy sniffed. She grabbed her books then rushed to the bathroom. Willow stared worriedly. She knew Buffy's speech
wasn't inspired by their psyche lessons. She looked to Riley. He wore a confused expression on his face, asking,
"Should I follow her?". Willow shook her head. She knew Buffy, and this was something she needed to deal with on her
own.
Buffy splashed cold water on her face. She covered her face with her hands.
"Damnit, Buffy," she scolded herself. "Get over it." She took a deep breath. Then she remembered the incident in class.
She groaned. She had just humiliated herself in front of a class of 100. Oh, God. And Riley. How would she explain her
little episode to him? She had avoided the whole Angel talk for so long. She knew she'd have to tell Riley about Angel
sooner or later. She was just hoping it was later. Buffy picked up her books and left the privacy of the washroom. She
wondered down the busy halls to her next class.
Buffy landed a roundhouse kick in the vampire's stomach. He fell to the floor, but was quick to his feet. He lunged at
Buffy, sending her back into a tree. Buffy winced as a branch punctured her shoulder. She punched the vampire to the
floor and reached behind her. She moaned as she pulled the wood from her skin. The Vampire rushed towards her as
Buffy aimed the new stake towards his heart. He ran himself straight into the weapon and exploded into a cloud of dust.
Buffy grabbed her shoulder and walked slowly down the dark streets. She heard music as she neared the Bronze. She
suddenly felt a wave of nausea. She needed to lie down. She headed in the direction of the closest place she knew. She
didn't even pay attention; her feet just took her there somehow, without her consent.
Buffy walked down the hall of the abandoned apartment building until she came to the door. She reached for the knob
and it opened easily. She stepped inside and quietly closed the door behind her. There was really no point, she knew no
one would be here. She looked around, only now truly realizing where she was.
It was Angel's old apartment. She wandered around, brushing her hands against the abandoned possessions. Until she
came to the bedroom.
Buffy's breath stopped for a brief moment, and she was sure she felt her heart freeze as well. She stood absolutely still.
The bed was still unmade. She flashed back to that night, two years ago. She remembered every detail, every tough. She
felt his lips on hers. A tear rolled down her cheek.
Then the nausea came back. She felt the room spin around her. She had to lie down. She reached for the bed, and
rested her head on the pillows. She could smell him, as if he were still here.
Angel walked into his old apartment. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing here, but something about this day had
forced him back. It was Buffy's birthday, the day that they had…He shook his head. What was he doing here? He
suddenly felt tired. He walked towards the bedroom. He felt a lump in his throat. He could smell her, as if she were still
here.
Buffy groaned. Her shoulder sent a stab of pain down her side. She needed to see a doctor about that, she thought
absently.
Angel heard a soft groan. He stood still, listening for another sound. When he heard nothing he walked into the
bedroom. It was almost sunrise and he needed some sleep before the drive back to LA. He took off his coat and rested
it on the table. Angel stepped into the bedroom.
And then he saw her. Her golden hair covered her face but he knew it was her. As he got closer he smelt blood, her
blood. Very slowly and carefully, so as not to wake her, he pulled the covers off of her back. He saw the wound on her
shoulder. It wasn't deep, but there was quite a bit of blood. He took off his shirt and rolled it into a ball. He pressed it to
her wound.
Buffy felt pressure on her wound. She woke and rolled over. She blinked, it was dark. She saw a figure sitting next to
her. She squinted, her eyes adjusting to the lack of light.
"Angel?" she asked. No she thought. It couldn't be.
"Shhh," he whispered. "Close your eyes."
"It is you," she realized. "I'm dreaming."
"No," he assured. "You're hurt."
"Ya, rough night."
"What are you doing here?" he asked her.
"Same as you," Buffy answered softly. Angel sighed.
"I had to face the past," he explained. "I thought that if-"
"I know," she interrupted. "Me too."
"You should get some rest," Angel instructed.
"Stay with me?" she pleaded. "Just until I fall asleep."
"Buffy-"
"I know. But just this once? You can leave once I'm asleep, I just don't want to be alone right now. Please."
Angel could never say no to her. He lay down behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He felt a stab of pain.
This was what he had longed for all those nights he'd been away, but he knew it could never last. Part of him prayed she
would never fall asleep, so he would never have to leave.
Buffy felt herself melt when he wrapped his arms around her. This is what she had been dreaming of since he'd left. A
tear streamed down her face; she knew this moment could never last. She struggled to stay awake, so he would never
have to leave.
The sun shone through a crack in the blinds. Buffy squinted as the bright light awoke her from a peaceful sleep. She
rolled over, and felt a tear roll down her cheek, to see she was alone. She knew this moment had to come.
She slowly sat up, causing her shoulder to send a bolt off pain down her side. But she welcomed the pain. It distracted
her from the emotions screaming through her. She gingerly touched her wound, it had stopped bleeding. She winced as
she stepped outside. She shielded her eyes from the sun as she walked back to campus. She smiled. She'd made it
through her birthday with no more than a minor stab wound and terrible heartache. She laughed. Willow's plan for a new
birthday tradition hadn't exactly pulled through.
"Oh well," she reasoned. "There's always next year."
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