*Wearing zebra stripe-patterned sweater and foaming at themouth* You've had some SERIOUS ASSmaking-sure-I-can-keep-an-uninterrupted-freaky-fresh-vibe-goin' PROBLEMS,Sifl!But all that is about to end.
Sifl: Good lord...*shakes head*
Olly: BY ALL THAT IS HOLY AND BY ALL THAT HAS BEEN TOUCHED BYTHE HANDS OF MEN, we're gonna solve your conundrum in one fell swoop withthis new offering from the Precious Roy Catalog...*Sifl continues to shake head*
Olly: The Precious Roy Funk Grenade will solve all you'reworries. Scientists have been studying funk...well, since forever. Butit's only through the GENIUS of PRECIOUS ROY that PURE FUNK has been SUPER CONCENTRATED and placed in a HAND-HELD WEAPON OF MASSDE-FUNKTION that is suitble for framing and use in the modern home. *Goth/Punk model arm does the Holly-from-"The Price isRight"-thing over a fat spherical object be-deckled with mirror-chips, multi-coloredjewels and velvet. The pin is a big purple pimphat-feather. It issurrounded by a mystic halo of funk.*
Olly: This Orb de'la Funk contains the sweat of James Brown, apuff of breath from Barry White, the shoe-string of Bootsie Collins, themustache of Rick James and a lock of hair from George Clinton. And, just foryour buying assurance, each Grenade has been quality checked and isguarneteed to contain ZERO percent Ashford and Simpson. When the party is dragging, just pull the pin and count"1-2-3-jump back, kiss yourself, hit me-4" and throw it into any room to coveryour guests with the RADIATING POWER OF PURE FUNK!It's sure to beam even the dullest Bridge-Club-Quilting-Bee-PTA-Meeting tothe MuthaShip...Let's take some calls.
Caller one: Yeah, I bought one o' them funk grenades fromanother company, and when I pulled the pin and threw it, there was, like, no funkat all...
Olly: That's the risk you take when you deal with a FLY BY NIGHTretailer, caller. What happened?
Caller one: Well, I just got all creeped out...I just felt like people were watching me 24 hours a day...and weird things would happen on job interviews and mailboxes would talk to me and people kept telling me to smile...
Sifl: *Sifl balks* Oh, no...not again...
Olly: Caller, what you got was a FUNT grenade...named forAlan...Let this be
a lesson to you. STICK WITH PRECIOUS ROY!
Sifl: Let's take the next caller...caller, go ahead...
Caller two: Hi, I've used the Funk Grena-
Olly: *breaking in* I can't take no more calls...I'm too FUNKY,HUUUUH! Let's hear from Precious Roy!
Precious: 'Dis is Precious Roy, and William H. Macy owes me aspark plug!
Sifl: Um, Precious...we're talking about the Grenade, the, um,FunkGrenade...
Precious: I whipped Beatle Bailey's olive-drab ass! SUCKERS!!!
*Precious Roy theme plays**FADE TO BLACK*
