Dreams Used and Wasted…

By: Thursday’s Child

Okay everyone, this is the first X-File fanfic I’ve started and seen the end of. Not to say I’ve never attempted it. I’ve got about a dozen on my computer that are just waiting to be finished. Let me know what you think of this one and maybe I’ll add a “The End” to my other works!

Disclaimer: CC and 1013 and that stupid kid that says “I made this!” own the characters. Right, I’m past that part, I’ve admitted it, now I can do whatever the hell I want. Mwa, ha, ha! If I get sued, just pretend these characters are completely different than the ones from the show, okay?

Summary: Just a little romance between our favourite agents...a little bit angsty...

Rating: Um yeah…I’m not good at this part. There’s no smutty stuff, so there goes the NC-17 I know so many of you were looking for. I do however love my cuss words and use them quite frequently. Other than that and maybe a slight adult situation or two, this is pretty clean stuff.

Feedback: Please, please, please. I know it’s so hard to just push that button,  E-MAIL  yeah, that’s the one right back  there! Thanks, I’d really appreciate it!

Author’s note: A good friend of mine was singing in a concert and I went to see her for moral support. Before her there were all these awesome singers, but they were all singing such superficial songs like ‘Tell Him’ and Celine Dion crap. Then, here comes Stephie, and don’t get me wrong, she’s an awesome singer too, but her song made me cry, and I don’t cry at songs. It had so much meaning and reality and she sang it with such intensity. So, I really wanted to write a fic about it.

********The story has a much better affect if you actually read the words of the song**************

Dreams Used and Wasted…

There was a time when men were kind.

When their voices were soft,

And their words inviting.

He came to me one night, like any other night he stumbled from the streets, drunken and dazed. He often didn’t know why he’d come, but I did, though I wished I didn’t. So, he came to me. Unshaven, clothes rumpled, eyes bloodshot. His hair seemed longer than usual, the brown locks falling into the matching eyes.

I pushed open the door reluctantly, afraid he was drunk and I’d spend another evening listening to his heartbreak and drunken theories, all the while my heart aching to comfort him. But I let him in, searching his eyes, hoping tonight would be different.

And at once, my prayers were answered. My heart beat faster as he took my hands, pressing them together between his and dragging them to his chest. I didn’t smell alcohol on him. He smiled, different from any smile I’d ever seen on a human being before. He didn’t say a word for several minutes, just staring at me, his eyes drilling into mine.

He found what he was looking for and said the words I’d been waiting to hear for nearly eight years. “Gee, Scully I thought you had green eyes.” Okay, so those weren’t the words I waited for, but they came next. And he lowered his lips to mine, eyes still open, still fixed on me. I couldn’t shut mine.

There was a time when love was blind,

And the world was a song.

And the song was exciting.

It was wonderful, to be held in someone’s arms. So many times I lay in bed at night, on my side with my arm draped over me, pretending that it was someone else’s arm. That the hand cupping my stomach was larger, tougher and not my own. I wanted it so bad my body would tingle, waiting for someone to roll over and pull my body to his.

Mulder did. He kissed me. He tickled me. He held my hand and walked with me. He made love to me. When I fell to sleep at night, his arm was around me and it was still there when I opened my eyes in the morning.

There was a time,

But then it all went wrong.

Do you know, no matter what storytellers say, it’s nearly impossible to keep a relationship with anyone a secret at the FBI It’s even harder when your lover is also your partner. Skinner wasn’t too happy. In fact, one might call him extremely pissed off. But we were so in love, it didn’t matter. Nothing did.

We were lucky. He kept us together, never promising anything. Whenever he saw me, his eyes would find mine and just look for a while. I don’t know what he was looking for, but he always found it, because after his initial confrontation, he never brought up the affair again. Just those long, searching looks.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,

When hope was high and life worth living,

I dreamed that love would never die,

I dreamed that God would be forgiving;

It lasted longer than I thought it would, because I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I’m not pessimistic, I’m just realistic. We spent three wonderful years together as lovers. Three years waking up together. It was so different, and so much better than I had ever imagined. Never was there an awkward moment between us, never a moment of hesitation. We were better agents and better friends because of our relationship. And every time he told me he loved me, all my troubles melted away.

We were husband and wife. Not in the conventional method, that seemed like a fantasy that would never be realized. But he was my husband. Only weeks after it all began, he presented me with a thick, golden band, to which he held the mate. I’ve never taken it off, not to work, not to sleep, not to bathe. And with that, we were wed, in our minds. That’s all that mattered.

Then I was young and unafraid,

And dreams were made and used and wasted,

There was no ransom to paid,

No song unsung, no wine untasted...

Now, life didn’t become a fairy tale. We still had the X-Files and dozens of shadowy figures trying to use us as game pieces, but that had always been and would never change. Our enemies seemed to be growing in number daily, new figures easing out of the woodwork. The light-hearted moments grew heavy and dark. The only time I could smile was when we were alone together, and I could pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist.

My mother and the lone gunmen where the only ones to know. If I had tried to explain to my brother, he never would’ve understood. Neither would anyone else, so our relationship was kept well hidden.

But the tigers come at night,

With their voices soft as thunder,

As they tear your hope apart,

As they turn your dream to shame.

When I discovered I was pregnant, things were wonderful at first, but then seemed to disintegrate. I was overjoyed to be having a baby. I thought it was impossible. When we went to see the obstetrician, he congratulated us on a successful invetro-fertilization. And we realized, in horror, that once again I had become a science experiment to these people, for we had never sought pregnancy.

After hiding my condition as long as I could, which was only five months, I was forced to resign from the FBI. Mulder didn’t want to stay on, but he never really had a choice.

While he was at work, the phone would ring with no one on the other end. Knocks on doors yielded nobody…Shadows following me everywhere I went. I feared everyday more for my child and lover. Mulder was going crazy not being able to protect me every waking moment of the day. But, I reminded him I was a trained FBI agent. I could handle the big bad myself.

And, I trusted Mulder’s new partner, David Masterson, to take care of my love. David was sweet and inexperienced, so very young, only twenty-four. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I felt that young. He was one of the few people we could trust, which was a blessing.

He slept three summers by my side.

He filled my days with endless wonder!

He took my childhood in his stride.

But he was gone when Autumn came.

I went into labor in late August and Mulder stood by me the entire time, just holding me, not saying a word. We both feared what might happen once the child was born. It was a girl, Samantha Lee, with curling black locks and sparkling blue eyes that blinked with childish innocence. She didn’t cry, she seemed to gaze at us in wonder, as if understanding who she was and what we meant to her.

That evening Mulder didn’t want to leave, he begged to stay with us. And, I saw in him a strange fear, that if we were separated, it would be forever. The hospital staff said he was delirious from the day’s events and asked that David take him home. I felt Mulder’s fear, grasped at his hand, trying to keep him with me.

“Oh, god, Scully…” He gasped, pulling me close, careful of our sleeping daughter. “Scully, Scully…I love you.” David tugged at him gently but Mulder kept his eyes locked to mine. “I’ve loved you so much, so much more than I thought I could.”

I couldn’t stop crying; yet, it was so irrational. Never had I truly believed in the paranormal like he had. But I couldn’t deny that somehow, we knew, with total certainty that this was the end. “Mulder don’t say…” I couldn’t continue, I knew he was right and it wasn’t fair. “Pretend, please, for me.”

He stroked my hair and kissed Samantha lightly. He took her from my arms and she stirred, opening her eyes and finding his. “Hello. I’m your Daddy.” He whispered softly. “And,” He added in a soft voice, as if it were the world’s greatest secret, “I love you and your mommy better than anything else in the entire universe!”

“Mulder!” I cried, my voice strangled. I couldn’t stand hearing the words. He grabbed me so harshly I started, letting out a small squeak that he swallowed with his mouth. He kissed me so long, I thought we might just die then and there, Together.

But he left me, pausing at the door. “I love you.” He called to me, tears glistening in his eyes, unshed.

“I love you, too.” It was so soft, but I wanted to scream, I wanted to break something. After everything, this didn’t seem like a proper ending. My eyes pleaded with him, ‘Pretend…for me.’

He toyed with the ring on his finger, twisting it this way and that. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Scully.” He said, almost jovially and, as desperate as I was, I almost believed him.

And still I dreamed he'd come to me,

That we would live the years together,

But there are dreams that cannot be,

And there are storms we cannot weather.

The next morning, my mother and Skinner came to see me, wearing grim faces. But I didn’t hear their words, I didn’t need to. David wasn’t one of us. He’d been working for the evil all along, just like Krychek. Mulder had never made it home. No one knew where he or David was.

I was ushered out the very next day, Samantha securely wrapped in my arms. One had already been taken away, I would Not let this little one go. Skinner kept me protected around the clock until he could get me away. He made no plans, just gave me a large sum of money and trusted me to make my escape.

It happened so quickly. And, it was easier than I imagined as I settled down a few months later as a widow, with my new daughter.

I took up a job as a nurse at the local pediatricians. I figured that if anyone were looking for me, they’d look for doctors whom had recently taken up jobs. I’d rather be right in the action, but was safer as was. Several male colleagues came calling, but none struck my interest…no man ever could after Mulder.

At night, I would hold our daughter, little Samantha Lee singing songs…a song Mulder used to sing for me. And, if I closed my eyes and tried really hard, I could hear his voice joining mine, singing to our daughter. I hoped and wished with every fiber of my being that one day the door would swing open and there he’d be. But I’m a practical girl…I knew my wishing would never amount to anything.

We moved a couple of times and I settled down for good when SL was twelve. Our little girl is the smartest child in the world. She is just the perfect blend of me and Mulder and she’s so beautiful. At seventeen, she resembles me more than Mulder, in fact, all she got from him was her hair, her mouth (both figuratively and literally), and her height. She towers over me.

Samantha knows everything about Mulder and I…our jobs, the Syndicate, Mulder’s sudden disappearance right after her birth. And though she never had a chance to know him, she cries with me over our loss. It seems that somehow she did know him. Somehow she loved him just as much as I did and still do.

It hurts to look at her sometimes, but she’s all I have left. My mom passed away when SL was six. Bill never understood why I didn’t tell him about Mulder and I. He was hurt and confused and now he barely talks to me. The Gunmen keep in touch, always looking for some clue as to what happened to Mulder…some clue that he’s still alive and doing everything in his power to get back to me. But, it’s no comfort…all I have is Samantha and that has to be enough.

I had a dream my life would be,

So different from this Hell I'm living!

So different now from what it seemed!

Life is tired. I can’t dream anymore, not like when this first began. When there was still hope. I try to conjure up some old optimism from my youth, but it was too far-gone. Mulder’s never coming back…not ever.

Sometimes I wonder, would things have been different if we had never been together? If Mulder had never came to me and forced me to admit my feelings, to let myself fall in love. No, I couldn’t live without that…never give that up.

Then, I think, without Samantha, would things change? If I had never become pregnant, would it be different? Would Mulder still be with me?

Samantha walks into my study, her long, unruly hair in a mess; her thin, gangly limbs folded in the door jamb; her eerie blue eyes finding mine. She smiles at me, so much like her father’s smile. “Hey mom. Just wanted to say I loved you.” She tells me and wraps her long arms around my neck. She kisses the top of my head and it feels good to be loved.

‘If you weren’t born, Mulder would still be with me. I never would have had to leave him.’ The thoughts are horrible and I think them, even as she tells me how much she loves me. ‘I’m betraying you.’

It doesn’t help to think these awful thoughts, they won’t do any good…they’re just like dreaming. They don’t get me anywhere and they certainly don’t bring Mulder back. No, nothing will ever bring him back. Nothing. Nothing at all…

Now life has killed the dream

I dreamed....