The pic is me and Ryan
Enigmatic, provacative, baffling. The three adjectives that best describe my two best friends. They have everyone at Unioto High School wonder what they’re really all about. Me, too, for that matter.
Ryan Patrick Sullivan. Brilliant student, computer whiz, science fair genius. Member of the Mafia? Who know? He enjoys Austin Powers and Sifil and Olly, and Mel Brooks films. Now if I could just get him to watch Pocahontas with me… He’s a genius, yet he hates being called one… He’s devious and has a twisted sense of humor, yet he’s the only student who can wonder the halls without being questioned… Tell me what’s wrong with that picture!
Ben’s his best friend, has been for years. Oney’s his…something. His sister Sarah, mom Vicki, my true mother…dad, who hates me. Yet, for as much as I know about him, he knows ten times more about me.
Sara Ann McMain. Gorgeous eyes, tight abs, cold hands. Stripper/Assassin by night? She loves Spike (who could blame her?) and Wes…and Nick…and Nate…and hates Adam and Dwight. (You go Girl!) What’s behind her all-American teenager act? Anything at all? Certainly, for one, a brain;)
Her best friend is Erin, who lives back in Missouri. Jenn is another good friend and then there’s her best guy friend, Jason. Her older brother Bryan is a pain in the ass, although his girlfriend Chrissy is pretty cool. Mom, Joan, great cook…and dad? Don’t know anything about him…seems a common theme among my friends.
The entire time, my subjects wanted to know what was going on. It started out as a innocent questionnaire until they both acted like stuck up bitches and I decided to turn it into a true interview…
So, which one is the tramp and which is the vamp? I leave that entirely up to the reader…
Ryan: Do I have to be brutally honest? Totally honest?
Tyffani: Completely totally without a doubt honest.
R: Damn, completely was going to be my next one. Against my best judgment honest?
T: Favorite Color?
R: I’m still not past my first question.
Sara: Blue
S: (answering for Ryan) black
R:(at the same time) black
T: Now were going to get deep. Favorite animal?
S: I like manatees...Is there something wrong with liking manatees...
R: Favorite animal?
S: Like manatee for instance?
R: Favorite animal?
S: That’s what the question was.
R: Just trying to clarify can I have two? Sorry...
S: Oh, nemesis... Don’t I get answer...Hippopotamus...is hippopotamus too hard to type...if so, type hypo...
R: I’m still trying to get an answer to my question about two animals...
T: Yes, you may have two animals.
R: Okay, I have to go with bat and komodo dragon
S: That’s k-o-m-o-d-o
T: Thanks...Moving on...What are your aspirations in life?
S: um...(laughter), there you have
R: hiss hiss hiss hiss boo.
S: It was more of a guhugh...My aspirations...I can’t tell you, other wise I’d have to kill you or maim you and toss you in the river...don’t write that down…you are mine nemesis, he always sleeps on my car.
R: I don’t know.
S: She’s writing down everything I say. You didn’t hear that did you? Ryan said Scotland forever. Next question please I don’t believe he’s going to answer that one.
T: Okay (Sara blows a kiss)
S: He has more, some je ne sais pas, than I do.
T: je ne sais quoi.
S: Whatever.
T: As for my next question...If you could be one person, any person, dead or alive…
S: Why would I want to be dead, what would you do, lie in a coffin all day? This sucks
T: If you could be any person, who would you be?
R: Craig.
T: Why would you be Craig?
R: Just would.
S: Cause he likes pokemon and he wouldn’t have to hide his liking it. My answer’s good, you’ll be proud of me.
T: Okay who you be, Sara? (phone rings, it’s Ryan’s mom)
S: Okay, I would be...James Masters’ girlfriend and if he doesn’t’ have a girlfriend, then, I would cancel that wish of being anyone for a day and make my wish to ALWAYS be his main squeeze. (Hysterical laughter) Laughs hysterically. No other comments...
T: Very interesting...
R: Jesus H. tap dancing, mother fucking Christ.
S: Whom are you giving this to?
T: Wouldn’t you like to know.
R: What, you’re giving this to someone, I’m not answering anymore.
T: Next question... who were you in a past life? Ryan, join in please.
R: I was a poor vagrant who lived in the streets of New York City, I died of exposure.
T: Anything else?
R: I was also the bringer of disease, of the plague to medieval Europe. (To Nemesis) No, down, please get off me.
T: Sara?
S: I was the plague. (Laughs) He carried me around everywhere. I was his security blanket.
T: So you two knew each other in a past life?
S: Yeah, but I was also Cleopatra.
T: So does that make you Caesar, Ryan?
S: Is this a government survey? No, he wasn’t Caesar.
R: No, I wasn’t.
T: Then who were you, when she was Cleopatra?
R: I don’t know.
S: Brutus, I remember you, don’t lie.
T: Now it’s your guys turn to ask each other a question, who wants to go first. Sara, did you point at Ryan?
S: Yes I did.
T: Okay, Ryan.
R: What would be a good question to ask?
T: The first thing that pops into your mind...
R: That was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Nem sneezes. S: bless you.
T: Okay, give it a little thought.
S: Okay, I have a question.
T: Okay, Sara...
S: Ryan, do you know Juan?
R: I don’t think so, no.
S: Why not? You were supposed to give him the key.
T: Ryan?
S: You aren’t by chance the raven, are you?
R: I’m confused.
T: Okay, Ryan do you have a question?
R: Why is Tyffani doing this survey or whatever the fuck this is?
S: Did you spell your name right?
T: Yes.
S: Because, it’s for the government.
T: Where did you get that?
S: Well if it’s not for the government then it is proven that you are in the Mafia, I’ve asked my grandma, she said she knows you. She sees you every Wednesday. Lighting them up and smoking a bowl!!!
T: As fascinating as this all is,
S: uht oh, here it comes...
T: It’s time to move on.
S: She’s going to shoot us now, we know too much...
T: Ryan, this question is for you specifically.
S: Is that a hint?
T: Yes, Sara, it means shut up for a minute. I mean it.
S: I know you’ll miss me.
T: Okay, Ryan...I just have to know...Is your big toe or second toe longer?
R: Why should I know?
T: Well, they’re your toes, check.
R: (Heaves a sigh)
S: Mine are the same, I think, unless I stand on my toes, then the second is longer.
R: Second.
T: You know what that says about you?
S: Where’s my question?
T: Sara, is it true, blare harsha is a bird?
S: Yeah…it’s true...
T: Good.
S: I saw her up on a wire one time and one time out in a field, I don’t know what she
was doing, some crazy bird dance, I think.
T: Okay, now for your real question... I’m going to hand over the keyboard to Sara for about five minutes while I clean the kitchen, then it’s Ryan’s turn. Let’s see what they have to say...
Sara:
OH@ the speaker just fell!!! Well it is now seven thirty, and I’m patiently waiting for spike er…I mean Buffy to come on…yum yum James Marsters!!! Oh baby. That’s a hot with 2 T’s... hott. Easy as spelling komodo dragon. KO MO DO. Today Nate Booher cut in line with me and told me my shirt wasn’t a three-quarter sleeve qualification. That’s why I was so cold I guess. Oh but man is he hot. Hot with 2 T’s also. hehehehe. Three more minutes Tyffani says from the kitchen. I hope she’s not getting messy, she said she was cleaning you know? What an uproar she’s making in there! You’d think she was herding elephants... or manatees. Everyone loves me, I know it hehe. People are being so crazy at school, some of them…most of them are really stupid I think is the word for it. But we won’t touch on that now will we now Sara is speaking in third person, probably just about in time for her friend Tyffani to come back in here and stop her before she goes nuts on the keyboard! Woo I’m crazy!! So how bout it son, ya in for it? Up for it? Who cares!!! This is going to be such a long thing, I think it’ll maybe get deleted, or edited, if there’s anything bad in here. Right, like I’m really such a bad rude girl?
Ryan:
Stop reading. Hey, I’m not kidding, stop reading this........... It’s k\sort of hard to detect sina\elnce though a word processor, so I guess I’ll just spell it out right here: I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to be doing. Honestly, I have no idea what this thing is. Somebody help me. Sometimes I wish I had the slightest idea what was going on. Sometimes.... Like now...Uh.... 1:30 to go? uh...damn, I’m starting to sound like Oney or something. I still have no clue what I’m doing, if you couldn’t tell (didn’t I tell you $#^#$% to stop reading this?). *More silence* *prolonged silence* *damn,-that’s-a-lot-of silence* whew... done. Later
Sara:
Well, I forgot to tell you the part about my dream! Well, crazy dream!! I got my belly button pierced, and it was crooked, but Ryan Minney said he liked it, said it looked good so I was like , wow!!! How special! So I told everyone about it, but then I took the ring out and wanted to get it pierced in the right place, so I got a bunch of Novocain to make it numb, an I got a different ring in it too. Nifty huh? Okay I’m done. I’m not strange!!!! I have a nice belly. Tight firm abs!! Dan Kauffman has really nice abs. We made him bellydance at one of my parties one time, while playing charades. We set up the cards so that he’d get ‘belly dancer’ because his abs were so awesome. Okay, now I'm done. *smiles*
S: Ryan minney has nice abs too, I saw him with his shirt off.
T: Now that my two stars have had the opportunity to express themselves, lets wrap up this conversation.
S: Bye
T: Not that way, do either of you have a question for me?
Craig: Why the heck are you giving them interviews?
S: My words exactly
T: Any other questions?
R,S,&C: I’d like an answer to that question
T: (with a pout) Because, I thought it would be funny…
S: And it is, I think it was a good idea, I’m very funny.
T: Any other questions?
R: NO
S: No
S: What’s the meaning of life?
R: Don’t say it, don’t even say it.
S: Forget I asked.
R: Don’t even start.
T: No, I want to answer this...
R: If you’re going to give the wrong answer, just…
S: I already know.
T: 47
R: Erase that, it’s 42 and you freaking know it.
S: Interview concluded...nicely put.
T: Fine!
S: Or you can ramble for ten minutes like I did...
T: 47
fin~
(Ryan: No it’s not, you want proof?)
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