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Transcribed by: Jean Liew

With additions by Tennant Stuart

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[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Monica are drinking coffee as an excited Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Hey you guys, you’re not gonna belive this! I just got off the phone with my agent -

Phoebe: (over-reacting) OH MY GOD! I’m sorry, too soon, you go.

Joey: I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!

Monica: Joey!

Phoebe: That’s amazing!

Monica: Congratulations!

(Both girls jump up to hug him, then sit down again.)

Monica: I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy!

Joey: No, no -

Monica, Oh, Soap Opera Digest award?

Joey: Nope, I’m up for a Soapie!

(Joey grins widely, but both girls look disappointed. Monica holds his hand.)

Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?

Joey: No, no, it’s real - and it has been since 1998!

(Joey puts his hands on his hips, nodding reassuringly, as Rachel arrives from the bathroom.

Joey: Hey, Rach, Rach!

Rachel: Oh?

Joey: I’m up for a Soapie.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God!! That’s like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!!!

Joey: Thank you. Well, I guess now we know who I’m taking to the awards.

Rachel: Oh!! Don’t kid about that! Will all the stars be there?

Joey: Many are scheduled to appear. (does this weird proud-of-himself look)

Rachel: Oh my God!! (freaking out) Oh my God!! I can’t go, I’ll be too nervous!! (sits down on the couch, next to Phoebe)

Monica: Ok, I’ll go!!

Rachel: NO!!! You’re getting married. This is all I have.

[Scene: NYU, Ross’s classroom. He is giving a lecture.]

Ross: ...and it was Ernest Mograt who first hypothesized that the velociraptor, when threatened, would expand its collar and make a high pitched noise to frighten off its predator.

(A student, Alan, raises his hand.)

Ross: Yes, Mr. Lewis?

Alan: What kinda noise?

Ross: Just a high pitched, intimidating noise.

Alan: But like how?

Ross: Well, we, we don’t know for sure. But in my head, it sounded something like this. (puts his hands to his ears and makes a high pitched, intimidating noise) Of course, that’s just conjecture. (pause) Um, ok, that, that’s all for today.

(The class leaves.)

Ross: Um, Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?

(Ned comes up to him.)

Ned: Yes, sir?

Ross: (sits down on his desk) Um, Mr. Morse, I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam. I’m afraid I had to fail you.

Ned: Why?!

Ross: You need 60% to pass.

Ned: What’d I get?

Ross: 7.

Ned: That’s not so good.

Ross: No, no, it’s not. What, what happened there, Ned?

Ned: Well, maybe you can cut me some slack. (in a low voice) I’m sorta in love.

Ross: I’m sorry, but that, that’s really not my problem.

Ned: I’m in love with you.

(Ross gets a weird look on his face.)

Ross: Well, that brings me in the loop a little.

Ned: See, that’s why I did so bad on this test. (sits down on the desk with Ross) I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there and you’re teaching...Your face gets all serious. You look so good. And you wore that tight little turtleneck sweater -

Ross: (getting up quickly) Ok! Um, I, ah, I’m your teacher. Sorry. You’re a student and, uh, I like women. In spite of what might be written on the backs of some of these chairs.

(Ned is disappointed.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at a table behind the couch.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!

Monica: Really? (turns around to look) Oh my God, he’s really cute!

Phoebe: Go for it!

Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged.

Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number, just in case! (Monica looks at her oddly.) But if Chandler were in an accident and couldn’t perform sexually, y’know, he’d want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.

(The guy comes over.)

Jake: Hi, I’m -

Monica: (interrupting) Could I just tell you something? I’m very flattered, but, uh, I’m engaged.

Jake: Well, uh, this is embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.

Monica: Well, you should be embarrassed. (gets up and Jake sits down)

Jake: I thought you knew I was looking at you.

Phoebe: I did, that was really fun! (They start laughing.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey is sitting in the black barca lounger.]

Joey: (with his hand over his mouth to make a fake voice) And the winner is Joey Tribbiani!! (acts surprised and jumps up. He goes over to the counter and picks up one of those maple syrup bottles that looks like a person) (in his normal voice) Oh, wow, I honestly never expected this. I, uh, prepared a speech, but uh, I’d like to thank my parents (Rachel comes in) who have been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel -

Rachel: I’m -

Joey: (jumps in surprise) Jeez!!!!

Rachel: Look at you and your little maple syrup award!

Joey: Yeah, maybe, maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.

Rachel: Oh, it’s not a big deal, I don that too. With my shampoo bottle.

Joey: Really? What are you practicing for?

Rachel: Grammy. Best New Artist.

Joey: Oh, hey, listen, the Soapie people called today, and I also get to present an award.

Rachel: Aw, that’s great!

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: So you’ll definitely get on stage, even if you don’t win.

Joey: (upset) You don’t think I’m gonna win?

Rachel: Of course I do. But y’know, Favorite Returning Male Character, that’s a tough category. I, I mean, you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.

Joey: I, I, I know I might not win, but I just, I’ve never been nominated before. I want it so much.

Rachel: Oh, you’ll probably get it. But you should start practicing your gracious loser face. Y’know, like when the cameras are on you, and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win? Like (gasps, looks disappointed, and starts clapping and nodding, with a fake smile on her face)

Joey: Good.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: You practice losing at the Grammy’s?

Rachel: Aw, no, at the Grammy’s, I always win.

(Joey nods.)

[Scene: Allesandro’s, the kitchen. Monica is working. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, how’d your date go with Jake?

Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t take our eyes off each other all night and every once in awhile, y’know, he’d kinda just lean over and stroke my hair (demonstrates on Monica) and touch my neck.

Monica: Stop it, Phoebe! You’re getting me all tingly!

Phoebe: (giggles) All I could think of, y’know, was “Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?”

Monica: And did he?

Phoebe: I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (starts to lower her neckline to show Monica her hickey)

Monica: Ok, ok, I got it, I got it!!

Phoebe: I like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had ten drinks today and I’ve only had six!

Monica: Well, I haven’t had that feeling since I started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again, am I?

Phoebe: You sound like a guy.

Monica: Uh, no. A guy would be saying, “I’m never going to get to sleep with anyone else.” (freaking out) Oh my God, I’m never going to get to sleep with anyone else!!! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I haven’t thought about the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I’m never going to have a first kiss again.

Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Ross is helping Joey with his tie. He is getting ready for the Soapie awards.]

Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?

Joey: I that why you want to tie my tie?

Ross: I, I, I... There’s this kid in my class who says he’s in love with me.

Joey: Whoa. (Rachel comes out from her room.)

Rachel: Whoa, what?

Joey: Ross has a boyfriend!

Ross: I do, I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who has a crush on me. Yeah, I don’t know. Last year, with Elizabeth, and now this kid? What, what is it? Uh, uh, am I giving out some sort of, uh, Sexy Professor Vibe?

(Joey looks at Ross and Rachel stares at Joey.)

Rachel: Not right now...

Ross: And, and, the point is that my natural charisma has made him fail his mid-term.

Rachel: Aw, see, now I feel bad for the kid. I had a crush on a teacher once. It was hard, y’know? I couldn’t concentrate, and I blushed every time he looked at me... Oh, come one, you remember what it’s like to be 19, and in love.

Ross: (thinks about it) Yeah, I think I can cut him some slack.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?

Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him. (goes into the bathroom)

Joey: Problem solved!!

[Scene: Central Perk. Jake and Phoebe are at the door, while Monica is sitting on the couch, reading.]

Jake: Bye, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Ok, bye!

(They kiss and Jake goes out the door. They keep staring at each other’s eyes.)

Jake: Alright, bye!

Phoebe: Bye!

(She walks over to the couch and sits down.)

Phoebe: Uh...We say goodbye at the door, so as to not “flaunt our new love.”

Monica: Phoebe, you don’t have to tiptoe around me. I’ve been thinking about it, and, uh, y’know what? I’m ok with not having a new relationship.

(Jake stands outside the window.)

Jake: I miss you already!!!!!!!!

Phoebe: I miss you too!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they wave)

Monica: See, that’s what I mean. That, that’s great, but I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean, I’m going to be with Chandler for the rest of my life. And that’s what makes me happy. (to Chandler) Hey, sweetie, come here. (pats the couch) Come sit down. Phoebe and I have been talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is, don’t you think?

Chandler: Oh, totally. (Monica turns to look at Phoebe and smiles.) (Chandler offers his finger to Monica) Pull my finger. (Monica’s smile turns into a frown.)

[Scene: The Soapie awards.]

Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is Mackenzie Westmore. (She walks across the stage)

(Cut to Joey and Rachel, sitting at a table in the audience.)

Joey: That’s it! That’s my category.

Rachel: Oh my God, you got your speech?

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: Got your gracious loser face?

Joey: Yeah. (demonstrates)

Rachel: You remember, if you win, you hug me.

Joey: Ok. Can I squeeze your ass?

Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!

(Cut back to the stage.)

Mackenzie: In the category of Favorite Male Returning Character, the nominees are: John Wheeler, from General Hospital, (as she announces the nominee, he appears on the screen behind her) Gavin Graham, from The Young and the Restless, Justin Harrington [I think that‘s his name] , from Passions, and Joey Tribbiani, from Days of Our Lives. (Joey and Rachel appear on the screen. She’s hugging him and he’s smiling a lot. She kisses his cheek.) And the Soapie goes to (opens the envelope) Gavin Graham, from The Young and the Restless. (The screen shows a triumphant Gavin.)

(Cut to Joey and Rachel. He is banging his fist on the table in disgust. Rachel is embarrassed.)

(Cut to the screen. Joey is shown on it, still angry. Rachel gets him to do his gracious loser face.)

[Scene: The Soapie Awards.]

Announcer: Presenting for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani, from Days of Our Lives. (Joey walks across the stage.)

(Cut to Rachel, who is clapping.)

Joey: (in a mad, monotonous voice) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated tonight deserve to take it home. Unfortunately, only one can. (makes a face of disgust) The nominees are: from Passions, Erin Gaul, from One Life to Live, Mary Lauren Bishop, (the audience applauds but he cuts them off.) (quickly) from All My Children, Sarah Manay, and from Days of our Lives, Jessica Ashley. (opens the envelope) And the winner is, Jessica Ashley. Well, unfortunately, she couldn’t be here tonight, so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (pauses, as he gets an idea) And I’m sure that Jessica, would like to thank my parents -

(Cut to Rachel, who is shocked.)

(Cut back to Joey.)

Joey: (continuing) who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel, who’s sitting right there.

(Cut to Rachel, who is trying to hide.)

(Cut back to Joey. The music starts, but he is still trying to talk. After tapping the mike, he goes backstage with the trophy girl.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. They enter.]

Rachel: Joey, why did we have to rush out of there so fast?

Joey: Rach, we have to get out of there because (takes a Soapie out of his tux) Look what I won!!! (laughs and puts it down on a table)

Rachel: Oh my God. You stole her award.

Joey: No, no, no! I’m accepting it on her behalf! (puts it on a shelf of the entertainment unit.)

Rachel: Uh, Joey, I don’t think you know what “behalf” means.

Joey: Sure, I do. It’s a verb. As in “I behalfinin’!”

(Rachel takes down the Soapie.)

Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back.

Joey: But why?! I should have won one. I really wanted one and she didn’t even care enough to come top this thing. (tries to persuade Rachel) It could also be a Grammy.

Rachel: (looks at it) No, Joey!

Joey: Come on, Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full.

Rachel: Do you really want an award that you didn’t win?

Joey: No, I want an award I did win, but no one’s giving me any of those!! Plus, ok, ok, if I put it over there, and when people come over, they will think that I won.

Rachel: (pointing to it) It says “Best Supporting Actress.”

Joey: I can scratch that right off. (picks it up)

Rachel: Oh, no, Joey, this is wrong! You have to take it back. Ok? You don’t wanna win an award this way. You’re very talented and someday you’re gonna win one of those for real and that one is going to mean something.

Joey: Alright.

Rachel: Alright? Thank you.

Joey: (depressed) I’ll take it back tomorrow.

Rachel: Alright.

(Joey goes into his room. Rachel looks at the Soapie. She is about to pick it up when Joey opens his door.)

Joey: If I can’t have it, you can’t have it!!!!

Rachel: Argh!!! (goes to her room angrily)

[Scene: NYU, Ross’s classroom. It is between classes. He is writing something on the board. Alan enters.]

Alan: Professor Geller?

Ross: Yes, Mr. Lewis? How can I help you?

Alan: I know I didn’t do well on my mid-term and stuff. But I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.

Ross: And why, exactly, would I do that?

Alan: Cause I’m love with you.

(Ross stops drawing on the board. (He was drawing a dinosaur.) He turns around.)

Ross: What?!

Alan: Yeah, I’m all, in love with you and stuff. So, ya think you could change my grade?

Ross: No!!

Alan: Well, you changed Ned’s grade!

Ross: That was different. Ok? He, he was actually in love with me.

Alan: No, he’s not! He’s totally yanking you chain!! He’s done it with three other teachers.

Ross: What?

Alan: He’s got a girlfriend!!

Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade.

Alan: I know. It’s awful. I love you.

(Ross gives him The Look.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Monica enters and sits down.]

Monica: You seen Chandler?

Phoebe: No, why?

Monica: Cause I’ve just been thinking about all these things I’m not going to have and it’s freaking me out. What do I do about it?

Phoebe: Don’t sweat it. Chandler’s nowhere around, so get it out of your system. (points to a random guy) That guy is cute.

Monica: (turns around) Wh? Phoebe, come on. I’m serious! I just gotta talk to him about all this.

Phoebe: No, that is the last thing you wanna do.

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Because! You’re marrying him!

Monica: (confused) You gotta help me out here, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Ok, I’ve never been engaged, and I’ve never been really married, but I can only you what my mother told me: Whenever you have doubts, or fears, or anxieties about a relationship, do no communicate them to your husband.

Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with?

Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.

Monica: Your mother told you this?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: The woman who got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?

Phoebe: (realizes) Oh my God, you’re right! Alright, go, go!! Go tell Chandler!! (Monica gets up) Hurry, before it’s too late!! Wait, no! (Monica stops) Does this also mean that putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica’s mouth drops open in shock.)

[Scene: A hallway in Silvercup Studios. Joey and Rachel walk up to Jessica Ashley’s dressing room.]

Rachel: (excited) Oh, I can’t believe I’m going to meet Jessica Ashley!!

Joey: Hey, wait, don’t, don’t!! Shhh!! Please, be cool. I work with this woman.

Rachel: Ok, I’m totally cool. (knocks on the door)

Jessica: (off screen) Come in!

(They enter.)

Joey: Hey, Jessica.

Rachel: (trying to act cool) Hey, Jess.

Joey: Uh, this is my friend, Rachel.

Jessica: Hi!

Rachel: ‘Sup?

(Joey stares at her.)

Joey: Uh, listen, here’s your trophy. I accepted it for you. (hands the Soapie to Jessica.)

Jessica: (acting happy and gracious) Oh my God, I won? Do you have any idea what this means? (drops it on her couch like a piece of garbage)

Joey: That, that, that’s it? You’re not going to put it, (motions towards a bookcase with lots of trophies on it) you’re not gonna put it on your shelf over there?

Jessica: No, I save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (leaves)

Joey: (looking at the Soapie) Take it back?

Rachel: Absolutely.

Joey: Yeah! (he takes it and rubs it with his jacket. They are about to go out the door. Rachel grabs a big vase of yellow flowers off of Jessica’s table.)

Joey: There you go!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is sitting on the couch and Chandler is sitting in an armchair.]

Monica: Honey?

Chandler: Hmm?

Monica: As we get closer to the wedding, is there anything you’d like to talk about, or share?

Chandler: Ok, well, I think the centerpieces are too big.

Monica: (angry) You’re wrong!! The centerpieces are fine!!! (in a nicer tone) Do you ever get scared at all?

Chandler: Kind of. They’re really big!

Monica: Doesn’t it ever freak you out that, that you’re never going to be with anyone new again?

Chandler: What?

Monica: Just...I love you so much. Just, just, some things bother me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know, when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting...You know that rush?

Chandler: No....Now, when I first meet someone, it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.

Monica: Ok, but, alright. You’re a guy. Does it not freak you out that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?

Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new...Anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid, even more sweating.

Monica: Even with me?

Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. Look, for me, the rush is know that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives. (pause, as Monica looks at him) Well, yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, we’re back to panic, anxiety, and, uh, I’m definitely gonna need some kind sports drink.

Monica: Come here. Come here. (hugs him and they stand up.) Come on. You don’t have to worry. (they kiss) Besides, you know what? I’m going to have a lot of new things with you! The first time we buy a house, our first kid, our first grandkid...

Chandler: (gasping) Water!! Water!! Water!!

[Scene: NYU, Ross’s classroom. Everyone is leaving.]

Ross: Uh, Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?

Ned: That was a great lecture today. Did you get a new haircut?

Ross: Umm-hmm. Do, do you like it? Do, do, do you looooove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back.

Ned: What?! Why?!!

Ross: Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. It’s not going to work.

Ned: I’m not trying to pull anything! Look, I love you, dude!!

Ross: Y’know what? I’m not even going to talk about this. Ok, this little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend. Ok... Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel, Ned? You used me!! You don’t love me and you never did!!! (starts to leave, but two professors are standing by the doorway. They have apparently heard the whole thing.) Ah, Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson. I’ll be right with you. (to Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (Ned smiles.) (to the professors) Shall we? (leaves)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Rach?!

Rachel: (off screen) I’ll be out in a minute!!

Phoebe: (picks up the Soapie) It’s just so unexpected! I...I gotta tell you, it’s just such an honor, to, to just be nominated...for a Nobel Prize and y’know, to win one...for a massage!! Oh! Especially after having just won a Tony award for Best Actress in -

Rachel: (comes out of her room) Our reservation’s at 8.

Phoebe: (continuing) ...in Reservation’s at Eight...by Neil Simon. (to “Neil”) Thank you, thank you, Neil. Thank you for the words.

Rachel: Ok, you have to finish that later. We’re gonna be late. We gotta go.

Phoebe: Please don’t play the music. (to Rachel) One more thing. (turns back around) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (puts the award down)