________________________________________________________________________

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

________________________________________________________________________

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Monica are there, reading. Joey enters and sits down.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: How was your audition?

Joey: I’m sorry. Do I know you?

(Phoebe and Monica look at each other.)

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Joey: I’m practicing blowing you off cause I’m going to be a big movie star!

Phoebe: (excited) Oh, you got it?

Joey: Well, no, not yet, but the audition went real good.

Monica: What was it for?

Joey: Well, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really cool. And the director, is supposed to be the next next Martin Scorcese.

Phoebe: Next next?

Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, but, but then this guy’s right after him. (his cell phone rings and he answers it) Hello!

(Cut to Estelle‘s office.)

Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle. I just talked to the casting people. They loved you!

(Cut back to Joey, who’s very excited.)

Joey: (to Phoebe and Monica) They loved me!

(Cut to Estelle.)

Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.

(Cut to Joey.)

Joey: Oh my God!

(Cut to Estelle.)

Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?

(Cut to Joey.)

Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (listens) Oh! Uh, ok, uh, k, let me call you back. (hangs up)

Phoebe: What’s the matter?

Joey: (totally depressed) They want me to be totally naked in the movie.

Monica: Wow!

Joey: I know. My grandmother’s gonna see this!

Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Ross is sitting on the couch. Phoebe is watching Monica fold some sheets.]

Phoebe: Hey, the wedding is so close. Are you getting nervous?

Monica: Yeah. But part of me can’t wait until it’s over cause Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until after the wedding.

Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.

Monica: Hey, Phoebe, will you give me a hand? I’m gonna make up the guest bedroom. (to Ross) Our cousin Cassie’s coming over for a few days.

Ross: Cassie?

Monica: Umm-hmm.

Ross: I haven’t seen her like forever! I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.

Monica: Ross? She’s 25 years old.

Ross: So, what, I still have... No, you’re probably right.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Subtle, guys!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: (laughs) I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower!

Rachel: Ok, well, don’t ruin it! Just play along at least.

Monica: Ok. Sorry. (goes into the guest room)

Rachel: Ok, fine. (freaking out) Oh my God, we have to throw her a shower?!!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, a little while later. Joey enters. Monica is putting stuff away after cleaning up the guest room.]

Monica: Hey! What’d you decide to do about the movie?

Joey: Uh, I dunno. Uh, it’s not like it’s porn! This is a legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.

Monica: That’s what you say about porn!

Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the callback.

Monica: No! No, you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes. And the chance to star in a movie - come on!!

Joey: That’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus, it sounds really great. My character is Catholic, and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. We run away together and get caught in this big rainstorm. We go into a barn and undress each other and hold each other... And that’s really sweet and tender.

Monica: (giggling) Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing!

(Joey glares at her.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s place. Phoebe and Rachel are planning the shower. They have a calendar laid out on the table.]

Phoebe: When can we have this shower?

Rachel: She has so much going on! We have two options. We have Friday -

Phoebe: Well, that’s just two days away. What is the other option?

Rachel: Yesterday.

Phoebe: Well, if we make it yesterday, then woo-hoo, we’re done!!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, this is impossible. We can’t do this by Friday! (freaking out) We have to find a place, we have to invite people, we have to get food. There’s just too much to do. We cannot do it, we cannot do it, we cannot do it!!!

Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!!

Rachel: Ok. I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry.

Phoebe: (grabs Rachel by the shoulders and shakes her) JUST CALM DOWN, WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel: Ok, Phoebe, I already, I already did!

Phoebe: Oh, ok. Then I need to calm down.

Rachel: Ok.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(They sit down on the couch.)

Rachel: Ok, I think we can do this if we just get organized.

Phoebe: Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ok, we have two days to plan this party. We have to make fast decisions. (they get up)

Phoebe: Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ok!

Phoebe: Ok.

Rachel: Where are we gonna have it?

Phoebe: Um, here!! What time?

Rachel: Four o’clock. Food!

Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.

Rachel: Ooh! Great, very Monica.

Phoebe: And chili!!

Rachel: Ah...You went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?

Phoebe: Both!

Rachel: We‘re paying for this, you know.

Phoebe: Neither!

Rachel: Um, what should we do for the theme?

Phoebe: “Lusts of the Flesh!”

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: I don’t know...cowboy theme?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is sitting on the couch. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: (turns around) Hey.

Chandler: You know, I’m, I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.

Monica: (sarcastic) Oh boy, me too!

Chandler: Y’know, I was thinking, if we had a -

Monica: Umm-hmm.

Chandler: ...if we had a big fight, and we broke up for a few hours, technically we can have sex again. What do you think, (fake angrily) Bossy and Domineering?

Monica: (fake angrily) The wedding’s off, Sloppy and Immature!!

Chandler: That’s me!

Monica: Ok! (They get up quickly and start to run to their room) Oh wait, my cousin Cassie’s in the guest room and we’re supposed to have lunch.

Chandler: Well, get rid of her, Obsessive and Shrill!!

Monica: Shrill? The wedding is back on.

(Cassie come out.)

Cassie: Hi! I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.

Chandler: Hi, nice to meet you.

Cassie: Nice to meet you, too.

Monica: So, ready to go?

Cassie: Yeah. (she lets down her hair and starts doing this weird shampoo commercial routine with Barry White music playing in the background. Chandler stares at her.)

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I’ll be right with you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is there. Monica enters with Chandler.]

Monica: Cassie has to stay at your place.

Ross: Wh-why?

Monica: Because Pervy Pervertson here can’t stop staring at her.

Ross: What? Chandler, she’s our cousin!

Chandler: I was not staring at her, ok? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (looks at Monica) Say something.

Monica: You were staring about 8 inches south of there.

Ross: Fine. She can stay at my place. By the way, what, what does Cassie even look like now?

Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.

Chandler: Hmmm. So, Aunt Marilyn, is, is, is she coming to the wedding?

Monica: Wafer-thin ice!!!

[Scene: The callback place. Leslie, the casting person, is sitting at a table. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Leslie: Hi, Joey!

Joey: So, uh, will I be reading the same scene again?

Leslie: Actually, I tried to call you. You didn’t need to come down here again.

Joey: Oh great. (picks up his stuff) Y’know, I would have been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know? Thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie. Good day! (about to leave)

Leslie: Wait, Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your take from yesterday and loved it.

Joey: And scene! (bows) Huh? Wasn’t that fun? I did a little improv there. Yeah, ok. And so, you, you were saying?

Leslie: The director loves your part and wants to meet you tomorrow.

Joey: Wow, sure, that’s great.

Leslie: Oh, and your agent said you’re ok with the nudity.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, sure. As long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.

Leslie: Ok, well, ah, there’s one more thing. Ah, ah, it’s really important to the director that everything in the movie is authentic. Y’know? And so, in your love scene with Sarah, she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So -

(Joey is very confused.)

Joey: So, what?

Leslie: So, uh, well, the director is insisting that whoever play the part be authentically and atomically, uh, not Jewish. Know what I’m saying?

Joey: Yes! No, what?

Leslie: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time, would not be -

Joey: Bar mitzvahed?

(Leslie shakes her head in frustration.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica and Joey are sitting at the kitchen table.]

Monica: So to get this part, you can’t be -

Joey: Nope.

Monica: But you were?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: But you told them you weren’t?

Joey: That’s right.

Monica: Wow. Wow. Then it’s definitely all gone, there’s nothing there to work with?

(Joey glares at her.)

Monica: Joey, what were you thinking?!

Joey: I don’t know. But I really want to get this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked during an audition, you say yes. Like if they want you to ride a horse, you tell them you can and you just learn how to do it later.

Monica: Joey, look, this is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to...grow a turtleneck!!

Joey: I know! I know, I know, ok? Apparently, tomorrow, when I go in to meet the director, I have to take off my clothes so they can see what my body looks like.

Monica: Oh my God. What are you going to do?

Joey: I just have to call my agent, and tell her I can’t do the part. (gets up all depressed)

Monica: Unless!

Joey: Unless, what?

Monica: Well, this sounds crazy, but there maybe something we could...fashion.

Joey: Like what?

Monica: Well, I’m not sure yet, but, um, off the top of my head, I’m thinking double-sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.

(Joey thinks about it.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Rachel is there. Phoebe enters with a shopping bag.]

Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea! For our party favors for the shower -

Rachel: Ok!

Phoebe: ...we get some mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names into them and inside is everyone’s individual birthstone. (smiles at her idea)

Rachel: Ok. Ok! Alright, you take care of that, and meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.

Phoebe: Ok, ok. Well, ok, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?

(Rachel glares at her. Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: What’s up, Mon?

Monica: Well, um, I’m trying to make Joey something. Uh, do you mind if I raid your fridge?

Rachel: Do we have it?

Monica: (gets stuff out of the fridge one at a time) Smoked beef. That won’t work. (puts it back) Cheese. That won’t work. (puts it back) Olive loaf? I hope it won’t work! (puts it back and closes the fridge)

Rachel: Are you making him a sandwich?

Monica: No, uh, it’s more like a wrap. (Rachel nods) (excited) I’m going to go, guys! You can go back to deciding what you’re going to get me as a present! (leaves)

Rachel: (laughs, but quickly stops) We have to get her a present?!!!

Phoebe: Ok, but look! Lookit what I got! It’s her address book! (holds it up) We have a guest list. Aaah!

Rachel: Oh my God, you’re amazing. Did you just pull that out of her purse?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. And, a little money for the party. (holds up $100, I think)

[Scene: Ross’ place. Someone is knocking on the door. He opens it. It’s Cassie.]

Ross: (surprised) Cassie?!

Cassie: Hey, Ross!

Ross: Hi.

Cassie: It’s been so long! (hugs him)

Ross: Huh.

Cassie: Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.

Ross: But, but, that’s right. So, so, you did see me that day, cause it seemed like you didn’t.

Cassie: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Ross: It’s, it’s ok. Come, come on in!

Cassie: (does so) Thanks for letting me stay here. I mean, Monica’s place was nice, but her fiance sure stares a lot.

Ross: Ah.

(Cassie puts down her stuff. The hair routine begins again. Ross stares at her like Chandler did.)

Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!

Ross: (nods) Uh-huh! I have, I have a knack for impressions.

Cassie: Well, maybe after we get re-acquainted, you can do me.

Ross: Yeah. NO!!!!

[Scene: Ross’s place. Cassie is on the couch, eating a hot dog. Ross walks by with a beer.]

Ross: Cassie, how are you , how are you doing on that...hot dog?

Cassie: I’m done.

Ross: Thank God!

Cassie: I guess the last time when we really hung out was that time our parents rented that beach house together.

Ross: Oh, right, right. Ooh, ooh, remember the time I pinned you down and tickled you until you cried? (She nods and they laugh.) You’re probably too old to do that now.

Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer because it was when I got all these freckles. (pulls back her shirt neckline to show him)

Ross: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And, and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized we are related.

Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?

Ross: Um, I’m a little slow. (laughs) (to himself) Just as our children would be.

[Scene: Phoebe’s place. The bridal shower is taking place. Phoebe is going around with a tray, offering food to the guests.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Woman: (takes some food) Hi!

Phoebe: How are you?

Woman: Good.

Phoebe: (goes to some other women) Hi. Thanks for coming. (They takes some food) Mel! (goes to her) Some for you?

Mel: No.

Phoebe: Ok. (goes to Rachel and puts the tray down on the table) Rach? Who the hell are all these people?

Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people’s in Monica’s phone book and these were the only ones who could show up in 24 hours’ notice.

Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, there’s another word for people like that - losers!

(A woman comes up to the table for some refreshments.)

Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel and this is Phoebe. I’m the Maid of Honor. How do you know Monica?

Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.

Rachel: Oh!

Accountant: I’m just interested to know who’s been doing her taxes the last four years.

Rachel: That’s great!

Accountant: So what time is Monica supposed to get here?

Phoebe and Rachel: Oh, I don’t know! (they stare at each other)

Rachel: ‘Scuse me for a minute? (drags Phoebe to a corner) You didn’t tell her to come?

Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!

Rachel: No, I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!

Phoebe: Fine, I’ll call her.

Rachel: Yes, and please tell her to bring a cake!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey is reading. Monica enters with a tray full of her creations.]

Monica: Ok, we have a lot of options here. I have a number of prototypes for you to try on.

Joey: Oh, this is great!

Monica: Yeah! (points to them) Ok, this one’s a mushroom cap. This one is made of bologna.

Joey: And the toothpicks?

Monica: Just until the glue dries!

Joey: Thank God! (they start laughing)

Monica: (points) Now these are, are more realistic, but perishable. Here we have pink suede, which is nice, but if it gets wet, then, y’know, it’s gonna shrink.

Joey: We’ll just take that one away. (throws it away)

Monica: I also did something in fur, but, uh, that’s really just for me. Ok. (picks it up and rubs it against her face) So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see and get a better idea of what is going to really work.

Joey: Thanks! You are such a good friend and this is so weird! (takes the tray into his room) (off screen) Ow!!

Monica: Toothpick?

Joey: (off screen) Yeah.

Monica: What are you trying on now?

Joey: (o.s.) The Fruit Rollup.

Monica: And?

Joey: (o.s.) (mouth full) Delicious!

Monica: Joey!!

Joey: (o.s.) Wait a minute, wait a minute! We have a winner!

Monica: What? Which one?

Joey: (comes out of his room and zips up his pants) The Silly Putty! Not so silly anymore! (they hug)

[Scene: Ross’s place. Ross and Cassie are sitting on the couch, watching a movie. The lights are off and Cassie is pouring some wine.]

Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin. If she knew what was going on in your head, she’d think you were sick. (Cassie grabs popcorn from a bowl that’s on Ross’ lap) Or would she? Let’s back up for a second. She was the one who suggested opening up a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one who wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever! (Cassie covers both of them with a blanket) Oh, I know that look! Forget it! I want it, she wants it, I’m goin’ in! (tries to kiss Cassie, but she leans as far away from him as she can)

Cassie: What the hell are you doing?!!

Ross: (in his head) Say something clever. (Cassie is mad) Ok, it doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. Any words will do. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not talked, ever! There is nothing you can say to make this worse, so just say something! (out loud) I, I, I haven’t had sex in a very long time. (Cassie is grossed out and gets up) (in his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.

[Scene: The hallway of Phoebe’s building. Monica knocks on the door.]

Monica: Phoebe, Rachel, it’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for in such short notice? (goes in. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. The whole apartment is empty except for them) Oh!

Rachel: Uh, Monica, we are so sorry!

Monica: What?

Rachel: Well, first, for forgetting to throw you a bride shower.

Phoebe: And then forgetting to invite you to it. (Rachel glares at her)

Monica: You, you already had it?

Phoebe: Well, we called everyone in your phone book and a bunch of people came. But it took us so long to get you here that they, they had to leave.

Rachel: We wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, but now you don’t have either.

Phoebe: We ruined everything.

Rachel: Oh...

Monica: Oh, wait a minute! That’s not true! What you did, it was really sweet! And it kinda works out for the best!

(Phoebe and Rachel look at each other.)

Rachel: What do you mean?

Monica: And now I can spend my shower with the only people I really love! And hey, I can open all those presents without having to talk to a bunch of people I don’t even like!

(The guests all come out of hiding. Apparently, they were going to surprise Monica.)

Phoebe: Su-sur-surprise.

Rachel: Surprise, Monica.

[Scene: The callback place. Joey is talking to the director and Leslie, who are sitting at a table.]

Joey: And what’s so great is that my character is from Naples! My whole family is from Naples!

Director: Ok. Oh, that’s great. Ok, well, I’ve heard everything I need to hear. Uh, I just need to, uh, Leslie?

Leslie: Uh, Joey, this is the awkward part.

Joey: Oh, hey, right. Not a problem. (starts unbuttoning his shirt) Uh, I totally understand. You need to make sure I don’t have any tattoos or horrible scars. (takes off his pants) Don’t you worry. I have nothing to hide. So, there you go. That’s me. I’m a hundred percent natural. (the Silly Putty falls off. The director and Leslie are very shocked) I tell ya, that has never happened before.

[Scene: Phoebe’s place. Cassie is now staying with her. Phoebe is putting away her stuff.]

Phoebe: Cassie? Are you finding everything ok in there?

Cassie: (o.s) Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.

Phoebe: Oh! No problem. I’ve -

(Cassie comes out of the bathroom and takes the towel off her head. She does the whole hair routine again. Phoebe stares at her.)

Cassie: (sees Phoebe staring at her) What?

Phoebe: (in her head) Say something. Say anything. Ask her out, she’s not your cousin! (smiles)