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Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey, and Monica are on the couch and Ross is in a chair.]

Rachel: Hey, out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?

Joey: (thinks) Probably Monica and Chandler.

(A woman enters and goes up to Gunther, handing him some money.)

Woman: Hi, could I have a pack of Newport Lites, please?

Gunther: Oh, uh, we don’t sell cigarettes here but they have them at the newsstand across the street.

Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes to buy her the cigarettes)

Rachel: Oh my God, Melissa Warburton, I don’t think I have the energy for this.

Melissa: (gasps) Oh my God! Ray Ray Green?! (screams)

Rachel: Oh! Melissa! (they hug)

Melissa: You have been M.I.A. for the past seven sorority newsletters. What’s up with you?

Rachel: (laughing) Why don’t I tell you over here? (they go to a corner)

Melissa: So? Last I heard, you were going to get married. (looks at Rachel’s hand and sees that she doesn’t have a ring) Aw, poor Ray Ray.

Rachel: Oh, oh no, it, it’s good. It’s all good. I actually work at Ralph Lauren.

Melissa: Shut up!

Rachel: I will not! I am the Divisional Head of Men’s Sportswear.

Melissa: Oh, shut up more! Are you friends with Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: Oh please! (starts laughing)

Melissa: Are you?

Rachel: No.

Melissa: Listen, we, we have to have dinner. What, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Rachel: Uh, tomorrow? I, I, I don’t know.

Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me.

Rachel: Shut up! (Melissa laughs)

Melissa: I, I, I gotta go. It’s been so great, Ray Ray. (sees Gunther and grabs the cigarettes) Oh, there you are. Ok, um, so, listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (gives it to Rachel)

Rachel: Oh, wow, thanks! (reads it) Oh, you’re in Real Estate!

Melissa: Oh no, that, that’s an old card. Um, I wanted to get out of that and, and do something where I could really help people and make a difference.

Rachel: Oh! What do you do then?

Melissa: I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Rachel: Ok! (Melissa leaves. Rachel sits back down) Ok.

Joey: Look who’s back! It’s Ray Ray!

Rachel: Shut up, it was my friend, Melissa, from college.

Ross: (in a high pitched voice) She seemed really, really fun!

Rachel: She’s actually very sweet. And we used to be very close.

Monica: Wait a minute. She’s, she’s not the one who you...

Joey: Who you what? (getting excited) Who you what?!

Rachel: Yes.

Monica: Wow.

Joey: Wow, wow what?! Wow what?! Who you what?!

Rachel: It’s not a big deal!

Monica: (in a sexy voice) They were lovers.

Ross: What?!!

Joey: What?!!

Rachel: We weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year, we went to a party, had a lot of sangria, and y’know, ended up kissing for a bit.

Ross: So that’s two of my wives.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica‘s. Monica is arranging a seating chart for the reception with a board and some colored pins. Chandler and Rachel are sitting with her around the coffee table.]

Monica: Ok, this is where the band is and this is where the bar is and all the pins have people’s names on them. (points to a pin) Oh, Rach, here you are.

Rachel: Oh! Oh wow. Why don’t you just take me and put me by the bar with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender? (moves her pin. Monica glares at her) These pins aren’t for playing, are they? (moves it back)

Monica: Ok, the red ones are my guests and the blue pins are yours.

Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like 10 pins.

Monica: Chandler, relax! It’s not a contest. Certainly not a close one.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hello!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: (leans over Rachel) Hey Rach! (has that look on his face)

Rachel: (mad) Stop picturing it!!!

Monica: Ok, I think that’s it! The seating chart is done! This is our wedding! Wow. They all look like they’re having fun, don’t they?

Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?

Monica: Oh, uh, if this is the wedding hall, then your parents will be over here, (walks away from the chart with a pin) at home in Queens.

Joey: What? They’re not invited? Oh no! That’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed!

Monica: Why would they think they’re invited?

Joey: You got me! I dunno.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: I’m sorry! I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are coming, Chandler’s parents are coming, Ross’ parents are coming.

Monica: Ross’ parents are my parents!

Joey: Well, see, parents are coming!

Chandler: You know, I think we should invite them.

Monica: Oh please. You just want more blue pins.

Chandler: Well, this is just sad.

Monica: Alright, alright. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. Y’know, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar.

Rachel: That is not a problem.

Joey: Maybe you order a little sangria...

Rachel: Oh, get outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Joey backs away, scared.)

[Scene: Ralph Lauren. Rachel is standing in a room full of tuxedos with Chandler.]

Rachel: So, now, thee are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all! (pushing out a few on the rack) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.

Chandler: Aw, thanks for hooking me up, Rach. I want you to know, that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.

Rachel: I’m Monica’s Maid of Honor. Ok, don’t try to blue pin me!

Chandler: (sees another rack) Oh, what’s the deal with these? These, these are nice.

Rachel: Well, we, we custom make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them, they just send them back.

Chandler: You mean, like for award shows?

Rachel: Some of them.

Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet, with people yelling “Who are you wearing? You look fabulous!”?

Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E! ?

Chandler: Ok, who wore those?

Rachel: Let’s see. Uh, (looks at the tag) Tom Brokaw.

Chandler: Not bad.

Rachel: This one is uh, Paul O’Neil.

Chandler: Who’s that?

Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN. Just once in awhile, have it on in the background. (continuing) Ooh! This one was Pierce Brosnan.

Chandler: Pierce Brosnan? Are you serious?

Rachel: Uh-huh. (takes it off the rack)

Chandler: 007? This is James Bond’s tux?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux.

Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux.

Chandler: Ah, it’s not just that. I’d be England’s most powerful weapon. A jet-setting heartbreaker from her Majesty’s Secret Service. A man who fears no one, with a license to kill! (timidly) Would Monica let me wear this? (Rachel nods)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Phoebe and Joey are at the counter playing their own version of chess. They just quickly move a piece and slap the timer thing.]

Joey: We should learn how to play the real way.

Phoebe: I like our way. Look! (makes a move that is definitely illegal in chess)

Joey: Uh! Hey!

Phoebe: Check!

Joey: Nice move.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: So, Joey, I just took Ross and Chandler our for some tuxedos for the wedding. Do you need one?

Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I don’t need a tux.

Rachel: What are you gonna wear?

Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh! And maybe a hat!

Rachel: Oh. Does Monica know about this?

Joey: I don’t think so.

Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (starts to go to her room)

Phoebe: Hey, Rach, wait, you want to go to a movie tonight?

Rachel: Oh no, y’know what, I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.

Joey: Can I come? I won’t even talk. You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.

Rachel: Uh!

Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on?

Joey: Can I tell her? Can I tell her?

Rachel: Well, would you rather hear what really happened or Joey’s lewd version?

Phoebe: Joey’s!

Rachel: Hey! I have this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that she and I...kissed a little bit.

Phoebe: Oh! Sure! That happened! (starts laughing)

Rachel: It did!

Phoebe: (still not believing her) Sure!

Joey: Hey! It happened!

Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college, it was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk. And we ended up kissing. For several minutes!

Phoebe: Which means you had a couple Spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.

(Rachel is shocked that Phoebe still won’t believe her)

Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?

Rachel: Phoebe, why is this so hard for you to believe?

Phoebe: Oh, I just didn’t know you were a Lesbian. (Joey smiles)

Rachel: I’m not saying that I am a Lesbian, I’m just saying that this happened.

Phoebe: It just seems pretty wild! And you’re just y’know, so...vanilla.

Rachel: Vanilla?! I am not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean, I got, I got drunk and married in Vegas!

Phoebe: To Ross.

Rachel: Alright. You know what, if you don’t believe me about all this, then why don’t you come to dinner tonight, and she will tell you.

Phoebe: Good idea! Cause I just can’t picture it.

Joey: Oh, you should get inside my head.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is on the couch, reading. Ross enters with a tux.]

Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (holds up the tux)

Chandler: A freakishly thin date with a hanger for a head?

Ross: No, Rachel hooked me up with a tux. But not just any tux. (takes off the cover) Batman’s tux!!

Chandler: What?

Ross: That’s right! Made especially for Val Kilmer. And worn by him in the hit film...that Batman film he was in.

Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux. James Bond’s tux!

Ross: So?

Chandler: So, if you wear that, it’ll make mine less special!

Ross: You need something to make this day special? Hello! You have the most special thing of all. You’re marrying the woman you love.

Chandler: (makes a noise that sounds sorta like he’s drowning) Blah-blah, blah blah, blah-blah-blah, blah! Please don’t take away my cool thing! Please? Pretty please?

Ross: “Pretty please?” How very, uh, 007!

Chandler: Look! this is my wedding day. Ok? if you were getting married, wouldn’t do anything to upset you.

Ross: When I got married, you slept with my sister.

Chandler: That was pretty 007!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is rearranging the seating chart at the dinner table. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, hey, hey, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eights and I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Ok? And I called the caterers and added two meals. We are good to go!

Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming.

Monica: What?!

Joey: Somehow, they got the idea that you only invited them because of me and they felt a little unwanted.

Monica: Aw, that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad.

Joey: Look, Mon, if you can just call my mom.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Look, just tell her that you really want them to be there. Look, this is a woman who has sent you many lasagnas over the years.

Monica: No she hasn’t!

Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you?

Monica: What am I going to say?

Joey: I don’t know. Just, just tell them there was a mix-up with the invitations. No - blame it on the Post Office. They hate the Post Office. And the Irish. I didn’t think you could blame it on them, so... (dials the number and hands Monica the phone)

Monica: Hello? Hi, um, Mrs. Tribbiani? Hi, um, this is Monica Geller. I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah. Apparently some of the invitations to be sent weren’t delivered. (listens) Yeah, there was some screw-up at that damn Post Office! (Joey nods his approval) (listens) Yeah, tell me about it! Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like the US Lost Office! (starts laughing) What are they, Irish? (Joey gives her a thumbs up)

[Scene: The restaurant, Eddie’s, where Melissa, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner.]

Melissa: Anyway, his name’s Allen. We’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was actually planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well!

Rachel: Oh!

Melissa: And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.

Rachel: Oh, that’s great!

Melissa: Umm-hmm. Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?

Phoebe: Of course. I was, uh, Thigh Mega Tampon. (Rachel stares at her)

Melissa: What one?

Phoebe: Yeah. We were really huge too. But they shut us down when Regina Phalange died of alcohol poisoning.

Melissa: Oh! Isn’t it a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch?

Phoebe: Umm-hmm!

Rachel: Anyway, speaking of drinking too much, I was just telling Phoebe about our crazy night at the luau where you and I, we made out.

Melissa: What?

Rachel: Remember? Come on! We both had the sarongs on and the coconut bikini tops?

Melissa: Yeah.

Rachel: We got back to the house and we got really, really silly and we made out?

Melissa: Oh, wow, Ray Ray, uh, I have no idea of what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Really?! (Rachel glares at her)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is sitting on the couch reading something. Chandler enters, all depressed.]

Chandler: Ross is Batman!

Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time!

Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. And Batman is so much cooler than James Bond.

Monica: What are you talking about? 007 has all those gadgets!

Chandler: Batman has the utility belt!

Monica: 007 has a fancy car.

Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!!

Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.

Chandler: Batman had Robin. (Monica stares at him weirdly) We get ESPN, right?

Monica: How about, you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini?

Chandler: Actually, I, I don’t like martinis.

Monica: How about a Yoohoo with a funny straw?

Chandler: Ooh! Yum! (goes to change)

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6 o’clock, but does that mean you want people to get there by 6 or the show starts at 6?

Monica: Show?

Joey: Right. Right. The wedding. But, um, it’s gonna start a little late, right? I mean, weddings start late, right?

Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?

Joey: Listen, the thing is, it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to see me. Cause my part’s just in the beginning, it’s not even in the rest of the show.

Monica: The wedding starts at 6.

Joey: Ok, ok, I totally hear ya. Ooh! How about this? I vamp a little until they get there.

Monica: You’ll vamp?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, like y’know, warm up the crowd. Ask them where they’re from. Cause in Joey Tribbiani, you get a minister and an entertainer. I’m a ministainer! (starts rapping and dancing) There’s no one better, there’s no one greater!

[Scene: Eddie’s. Continued from earlier. Rachel is very frustrated.]

Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?

Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened.

Rachel: Well! (Phoebe starts cracking up) Come on! Remember - we were on the sleeping porch. We couldn’t stop giggling. And our coconuts kept knocking together.

Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding.

Rachel: Oh, come on, listen, I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she won’t believe me.

Melissa: I’m sorry, Ray Ray. I mean, if I thought it happened, I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.

Rachel: No!!!

Phoebe: Rachel, it’s ok, you don’t have to do this, alright? I believe you. Ok, if, if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.

Rachel: Thank you, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Melissa: She didn’t.

Phoebe: I know. (Rachel is even more frustrated)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Ross enters with his tux. Chandler and Monica are rearranging the seating chart at the dinner table.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Do you just carry that around?

Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.

Monica: Between you and - ?

Ross: (sheepishly) Gunther. Hey, hey, why don’t we put them on? Get a picture of Batman and James Bond together?

Chandler: I would, but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight.

Monica: A little tight? I can see double 0 and 7 in those things.

Ross: Well, that stinks! I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.

Chandler: Does that mean you’re not going to be wearing yours?

Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!

Chandler: Let me try it on.

Ross: (unzips the cover) Oh, but just the jacket. Double 0 and 7 are not getting in there.

Chandler: (puts on the jacket) Ok. Holy double vented comfort, Batman! (puts his hands in the pockets) What’s this?

Ross: Huh?

Chandler: (reads the small card) An invitation to the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman, he wore this to a premiere of some tutti fruity love story where he played a blind guy!

Ross: Let me see that! (grabs the card and reads it) Oh man!

Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell! (gives the jacket back to Ross)

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Listen, Monica and Chandler, can I talk to you for a moment?

Monica: Alright, that’s it. I give. Whatever you want, you can have it. You want to sing a song, you want to do a little dance, you want your mom to stand up on the altar and scream racial slurs, I don’t care!

Joey: No, uh, I just want to thank you guys for what you did for my parents. We, we’re so happy to be part of your special day.

Monica: Oh.

Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. You can tell them we’re glad they can come.

Joey: I will. (excited) Ooh! Check out what they got me to wear to the ceremony! (rushes to his place and returns wearing a big poufy cap) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys and (tips it to one side) this for party time! Huh? (dances a little)

[Scene: Outside Eddie’s. They are about to leave.]

Rachel: (mad) It happened. I am telling you, it happened.

Melissa: Hey, it was great meeting you. And, uh, Rachel, I, I don’t think I’ll be calling you, because, um, you know, you’ve gotten a little weird.(calls a cab) Take care, you guys.

Rachel: Wait! No, wait a minute! Look, that night was the one wild thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I’m not going to let you take that away from me. If you don’t remember that, maybe you’ll remember this! (kisses Melissa)

Melissa: My God! You love me!

Rachel: What?

Melissa: Of course. I remember that kiss. After all that time I can still hear the coconuts knocking together. I, I just didn’t want to tell you cause I thought you wouldn’t return my love but now you have! (tries to kiss Rachel)

Rachel: (backing away) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Melissa: Aw, you kissed me and you’re suddenly shy at me! You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss like that. (tries to kiss Rachel)

Rachel: (backing away) I, I, I, I just, I’m just a good kisser!

Melissa: Shut up!

Rachel: I’m sorry.

Melissa: (pretends to laugh) Oh, yeah, you’re sorry? I, I’m obviously kidding. I don’t love her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. I don’t picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I have to go. A kiss goodbye? NO? Ok! (gets in the cab and it drives off)

Rachel: Wow, I, I had no idea, but that was - (Phoebe cuts her off by kissing her) What the hell was that?!

Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss is about.

Rachel: And?

Phoebe: I’ve had better.

[Scene: Ralph Lauren. Rachel is standing in the room with all the tuxedos. Chandler is putting on another tux.]

Chandler: (off screen) Alright, I found one that fits!

Rachel: Alright, you know what they say, 23rd time’s a charm. (Chandler comes out) Aw, look at you, all handsome!

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: Aw, does it matter? It, it, it, it, all it matters is, that you look so handsome!

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: I don’t wanna say.

Chandler: Oh come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it?

Rachel: Diane Keaton.