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Written by: Doty Abrams

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

With scenes from episodes transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Philips , Dan Silverstein, Aaron D. Miller , and guineapig

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is at the kitchen table, looking at a calendar. Chandler is sitting in an armchair.]

Monica: Did you realize that four weeks from today, we’re getting married? Four weeks, baby, four weeks!!

Chandler: You realize you’ve been getting even louder each week?

Monica: There’s still so much to do! Hey, have you written your vows yet?

Chandler: I figured I should just buy those. Pat, I would like to buy a vow. (laughs)

Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.

Chandler: Right. So, have you written yours yet?

Monica: I know exactly what I’m gonna say.

Chandler: You happen to know exactly what I’m gonna say?

Monica: Ok, let’s just do it right now, ok? (gives Chandler a pad and a pen) Just say what’s in your heart. (sits back down and quickly begins writing. By the way, she’s writing with a black Cristal BIC pen. I just wanted to point that out...)

Chandler: (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What’s wrong with me? Ooh, don’t open that door!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. The guys are all there. Chandler is trying to write his vows.]

Chandler: (as he’s writing) Monica, there are no words... There are no words! This should not be this hard!!

Joey: Oh, hey, you’ve done this before, Ross, what did you write in your vows?

Ross: When I married Carol, I promised not to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise.

Chandler: I’m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! you should have seen her writing, writing, writing.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is at the kitchen table, tapping the pen on it. She had just as many good ideas as Chandler’s had. Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Monica, what?

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: What’s the emergency?

Monica: You have to help me. I’m supposed to write my vows and all I have is this. (shows the pad to Phoebe and Rachel)

Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.

Monica: Umm-hmm.

Phoebe: Except your breasts look kinda small. (points to the drawing)

Monica: (looks at it) Those are my eyes!! (points) Those are my breasts.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

[Cut back to the guys.]

Ross: Wh, wh, why don’t you start with something simple? Like, um, “Monica, from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you.”

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not sure I can do that.

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW The Thanksgiving Flashbacks, 1987. Ross is introducing Chandler to Monica at the Geller’s.]

Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!

Ross: This is Monica.

Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.

Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.

[Cut back to the girls.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, ok, um, maybe you can start with “Chandler, even though we were friends, there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more.” (Monica thinks about it)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW The Jellyfish. Chandler and Monica are at the beach.]

Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

[Cut back to the girls.]

Monica: Oh! Are we allowed to lie in the vows?

Phoebe: Maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. maybe you just say something about all the things he’s taught you, like (thinks)... Or all the things you taught him! (Monica thinks about it)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW Phoebe’s Uterus. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Monica is telling Chandler about the seven erogenous zones.]

Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labeling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!

Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!

Chandler: (Points to one) That’s one?

Monica: It’s kind of an important one!

Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)

Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

[Cut back to the guys.]

Joey: Oh! I got it! How about saying something like “Monica,”

Chandler: (writes it down) Monica...

Joey: “when I think back over our time together...”

Chandler: (writes it down) Yeah?

Joey: I can’t do everything! Look back over your time together! (Chandler thinks about it)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW The Birth. The hospital waiting room. Chandler is sitting down while Monica is walking around. She sees a woman with twins.]

Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You'll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW Ross’ Wedding. Ross goes into Chandler’s hotel room. Chandler’s still in bed.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!! (He runs back out the door.

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW The Thanksgiving Flashbacks. Monica appears in Chandler’s doorway with a turkey on her head.]

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

[(Flashback) TO After Vegas. Chandler is at Monica and Rachel’s.]

Chandler: Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?

Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.

Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?

Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.

Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW The Proposal. Joey leads Chandler into his apartment, which is has candles all over the place. Monica is standing in the living room.]

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, the present. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch, reading. Ross and Joey enter.]

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey, where’ve you been?

Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out cause Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.

Joey: How is “Monica, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

Ross: How’s Monica coming along with her vows?

Phoebe: Let’s just say she’s lucky she’s got a sweet ass, cause she’s not so good at the writing.

Ross: I can’t believe in four weeks they’re gonna be married!

Phoebe: Let’s just hope it works. You know, 9 out of 10 marriages end in divorce?

Ross: Phoebe, that’s not true.

Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the missus?

Rachel: I can’t believe they’ve been together three years.

Ross: Hmm.

Joey: Has it been that long?

Ross: It just seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW All the Kissing. Chandler and Monica are kissing in the bubble bath. Joey knocks on the door.]

Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!

(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)

Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.

Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?

Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)

Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.

Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)

Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in

pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke.

(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)

[Scene: Central Perk, the present.]

Rachel: I forgot why they didn’t just tell us?

Joey: I mean, it’s not like we weren’t cool about it.

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW All the Kips. Chandler, Monica and Joey are in Monica’s room. Joey has just found out about them.]

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.

Joey: Alright.

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW All the Resolutions. Rachel is listening to Chandler and Monica on the phone.]

Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone.)

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW Everyone Finds Out. Phoebe sees Chandler and Monica doing it through Ross’ picture window.]

Phoebe: Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What's going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Cut to Central Perk, still in the flashback. Joey, Rachel and Phoebe are discussing what they should do.]

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s. They’re all there except Ross.]

Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did! Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s. Chandler and Monica are confronting Joey.]

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn't tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who's them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Chandler: Oh man!

Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!

Monica: Unless…

Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s. Phoebe, Rachel and Joey are there. Phoebe has just gotten a call from Chandler. He asked her out.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!

Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.

[Cut to Chandler’s and Joey’s bathroom. Chandler and Monica are in there.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She's bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It's not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]

Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, LOVER. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You're-you're what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!

Joey: Dude! All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.

Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.

[Cut to Ross in his new apartment with his boss, Dr. Ledbetter. He sees Chandler and Monica through the window.]

Ross: No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: Central Perk, the present.]

Phoebe: Y‘know, your friends getting married, it’s gonna change things.

Rachel: You really think it’s gonna be that different?

Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean, pretty soon, they’re gonna be having kids and they’ll just be hanging out with other couples who have kids. Maybe they’ll have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership!

Rachel: Well, things change.

Joey: But I don’t want them to move to a Volvo dealership!

Ross: It’ll be ok, Joe.

Joey: Sorry, I just, I like things the way they are.

[(Flashback) Scene: TOW Nana Dies Twice. They’re all at Central Perk, looking at old photos.]

Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again

[Scene: Central Perk, the present. Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey, you guys!

Chandler: What’s going on?

Rachel: Well, we were just talking about you guys getting married and how great it is.

Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that’s what you really want.

Monica: Aw, that’s so sweet!

Chandler: So, we both finished our vows. (getting his out of his pocket)

Rachel: Oh, can we read them?

Monica: Yeah, just as long as I don’t hear Chandler’s and he doesn’t hear mine. (gives hers to the girls. Chandler gives his to the guys. They all start reading.)

Rachel: Aw!

Phoebe: Aw!

(The guys are laughing loudly.)

Phoebe: Oh! That’s beautiful!

(The guys are laughing again.)

Joey: Funny one! (slaps Chandler)

Rachel: Monica, will, will you marry me?

(Ross starts laughing. Monica is getting annoyed.)

Joey: Huh? What? I don’t get it. (they point it out to him) Oh! Yes! (they start laughing again)

Ross: Oh man, this is hilarious!

Monica: (mad) Chandler!!

Chandler: Don’t worry, honey, we’ll make yours funnier. (goes back to reading and laughing)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. The guys are reading Chandler’s “revised” vows.]

Chandler: Ok, what do you guys think?

(Ross and Joey stare at each other.)

Ross: (about to cry) Chandler...

Joey: (also about to cry) I’ve never known love like this.

Chandler: You really like it?

Ross: Dude! How did you write this?

Chandler: I stole Monica’s and changed the names. Shh!

Ross: You can’t do that!!

Joey: If he goes first, he can!