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Written by: Greg Malins

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

Thanks to Marita Bakken for transcribing the missing part of the tag scene

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey.

All: Hey.

Ross: Hey, uh, Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front. Can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.

Rachel: Wait a minute! You let Ross drive the Porsche, and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it?

Monica: Yeah, well, he’s my brother! And, plus, he drives so slow, he couldn’t hurt it.

Ross: It’s a car, Monica, not a rocket ship!

Monica: Whatever, Ross. Just replace the bulbs and the brake lights after you’re done. (Ross glares at her. Joey enters)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Saw the Porsche out there, Monica. Lookin’ good! When do I get to take that baby out again?

Rachel: You let Joey drive it?!!

Phoebe: I’ve never driven it, not once. Ok, once. Ok, I drive it all the time.

Rachel: (mad) Oh!

Monica: Nice work, everybody! So much for the, y’know, you-could-drive-it-but-don’t-tell-Rachel plan!

Rachel: I can’t believe you lied to me!

Phoebe: Ok, I can fix this. Ok, Monica, Rachel thinks all you talk about is the wedding.

Monica: Really?! Rachel, ok, the reason I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There. That wasn’t about the wedding!

Ross: Well, Rach, if you want a ride in the Porsche, I’d be glad to take you for a spin around the block.

Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting at a table behind the couch. Ross enters from driving the Porsche. His hair is all messed up.]

Ross: Whoa! That was a brisk ride!

Rachel: Take the top down, did ya?

Ross: Only way to fly!

Rachel: Hey, c’mon, Ross, give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I’m an excellent driver!

Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.

Rachel: At my school, that added up to head cheerleader.

(A woman walks by.)

Ross: (pointing at her) Did you see that look that girl just gave me? She must have seen me cruising around in the bad boy!

Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive, Ross.

Ross: What? (tries to smooth down his hair) Give, give me a brush.

Rachel: Give me the keys!

Ross: No way!

Rachel: Well, no brush.

Ross: Fine! Y’know what, it doesn’t matter. Because if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom. (goes to get it. Rachel takes the keys from his coat pocket and also grabs some cash. The woman stares at her.)

Rachel: Alimony. (the woman smiles and nods. Rachel runs outside)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Phoebe and Monica are sitting around the coffee table. Chandler sits down.]

Monica: (looking at RSVP’s) Chandler, I still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.

Chandler: Oh, right. Um, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation.

Monica: Chandler, he’s your father. He should be at your wedding.

Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Ok? We’re not that close. I haven’t seen him in years.

Monica: Well, what are you going to do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?

Chandler: He doesn’t have to know. It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys and he...stars in a drag show in Vegas.

Phoebe: I think I wanna trade circles.

Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. No one’s gonna be looking at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a backless dress.

Monica: So what/ As, as, as long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil, I don’t care!

Phoebe: Ok, I think I need to do some shopping. (leaves)

[Scene: Outside Central Perk. Rachel is washing the Porsche. She gets in.]

Rachel: Ahh! Ooh, nice! (Ross jumps on the front of the car. Rachel screams) My God!!

Ross: What do you think you’re doing?

Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (she turns on the windshield wipers and Ross gets off the hood)

Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys?

Rachel: Oh. (about to start the car) Hmm.

Ross: Whoa, ah ah ah ah ah! Do, do not start this car! (Rachel looks at him innocently as she starts the car) Ok, ok, I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now. (reaches for the money that Rachel stole)

Rachel: Look, Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car.

Ross: With you?! Yeah right!

Rachel: Alright. (starts to drive away. Ross stops her)

Ross: Ok! Ok! Ok! (gets in the backseat)

Rachel: What are you doing/ Get in the front!

Ross: In the death seat?!!

Rachel: Aww... (drives off with Ross hanging on for dear life)

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are talking. Her boyfriend enters.]

Phoebe’s boyfriend: Ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure. Ooh, I left my purse at Monica’s. I’ll be right back.

Phoebe’s boyfriend: Wait a minute.

Phoebe: What? Oh! (they kiss) Ooh! Ooh! Whoa! That one kept going! (leaves. Her boyfriend sits down)

Joey: So, you and Phoebe, huh? How long have you been going out?

Phoebe’s boyfriend: Over a month.

Joey: Wow. Maybe, uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other.

Phoebe’s boyfriend: Sure, I’d love that.

Joey: Yeah. So, uh, what’s your name?

Phoebe’s boyfriend: (laughing) It’s Jake.

Joey: Joey. (they shake hands) Hey, Jake, uh, do you like the Knicks?

Jake: Yeah, big fan.

Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday. You wanna go?

Jake: Yeah, that’d be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything. Tuesday. (leans forward to check his schedule. Joey sees that he’s wearing hot pink underwear)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica comes out of her room carrying two suitcases. She sets them down in front of Chandler.]

Monica: Here.

Chandler: What’s this?

Monica: It’s your suitcase! We’re going to Las Vegas.

Chandler: Are you serious? You mean, like eloping? No more stupid wedding stuff, like, y’know, these flowers and these flowers? Think of the money we’ll save! (Monica is getting mad) We’re not eloping! I love the flowers! Can our wedding be bigger, please?

Monica: We‘re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked and I wanna get to know my father-in-law.

Chandler: I thought I had won!

Monica: No, you didn’t! And listen, honey, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore!

Chandler: Look, forget it. I’m not going. I don’t want to see him, I don’t wanna.

Monica: Look, Chandler, I, I, I know that your dad embarrassed you, but -

Chandler: No, all kids are embarrassed. You’d have to come up with a whole new word to know what I went through. When I was in high school, he used to come to all of my swim meets, dressed like a different Hollywood starlet. You’re 14, you’re skinny, and you’re wearing Speedos that your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up in the stands, and there’s you dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!

Monica: Hey, my point is, he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Ok? He’s a great dad!

Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Gerrabaldi!

Monica: Who’s Mr. Gerrabaldi?

Chandler: Does it matter?!

Monica: Chandler, you’re not 14 anymore. Ok? Maybe it’s time you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.

Chandler: Well, ok, but I’m just doing this for you.

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?

Monica: How much did you really ever win before?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there reading. Joey sits down.]

Joey: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Listen, you know how when you’re pants and you lean forward and I check out your underwear?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Well, when Jake did it

Phoebe: Umm-hmm.

Joey: I saw that he was wearing women’s underwear!

Phoebe: I know, they were mine.

Joey: Oh! No, no, wait, that’s weird!

Phoebe: No, it’s not. We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.

Joey: That’s weird!

Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now.

Joey: That’s...kinda hot.

Phoebe: I think so too! And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick!

Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.

Phoebe: And, y’know, Jake says that women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And, he loved the way the silk feels against his skin.

Joey: Yeah, next thing you know, he’ll be telling you your high heels are good for his posture.

Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake, ok? He is all man. I’m thinking even more than you.

Joey: Oh, yeah. He looks like a real lumberjack in those pink lacies.

Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure in his masculinity would walk around in women’s underwear. I don’t think you could ever do that.

Joey: Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.

Phoebe: Oh, whatever!

Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn, right? (Phoebe nods)

[Scene: The highway. It’s nighttime and Rachel is still driving the Porsche. She has music playing. Ross is now in the front.]

Rachel: Ah, God! I have forgotten how much I love driving! I have got to get my license renewed! (Ross glares at her)

Ross: You don’t have a valid license?! Ok, that is it, pull over right now!!

Rachel: Uh, Ross, you are so tense! You gotta relax. Just need to relax, ok? You just need to relax, alright? Just relax... (closes her eyes and takes her hands off the steering wheel)

Ross: (grabs the wheel) Ok! Ok! That’s it! Stop horsing around!

Rachel: I am not horsing around, ok? I am Porsching around! (they hear a police car siren behind them) Uh-oh!

Ross: Just stay calm. Nothing is gonna happen to you. You’re not in that much trouble.

Rachel: Really? You think so?

Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down!!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey comes out of the bathroom in a robe. He sees the laundry and stops to see if Rachel’s home. Then he picks up a purple thong. He is about to take that to his room, but he puts it back and chooses red panties instead. He goes to his room to put them on.]

[Scene: Las Vegas. A few buildings are shown and Cher’s Believe is playing. Chandler and Monica are at a table at his dad’s club, Viva Las Gaygas. A waiter/waitress comes up to them.]

Waiter/waitress: Has someone taken your order yet?

Monica: Oh yes. (points) She did. He did. She? I’m sorry, I’m new.

Waiter/waitress: Umm-hmm.

Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer.

Waiter/waitress: You’re a straight, I get it. (goes to another table)

Monica: I still say, if we had called your dad, we would have gotten better seats.

Chandler: Oh, no. No, I don’t even want him to know we’re here yet. I’m sure he’s ready for that. Besides, I don’t think if he knew, he’d be too happy to see me.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: I never told you this, but he’s kinda been trying to get in contact with me a lot the last few years.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. By phone, through letters, he even came to New York. I always said I was too busy to see him. That’s all very cat’s in the cradle. I don’t wanna get into it.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!! (“Helena” steps onstage)

Helena: Hello, darlings.

Chandler: And there’s Daddy. (Monica is surprised)

[Scene: The Porsche. They’ve pulled over.]

Rachel: (frantic) Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! You’ll go under and I’ll go over!

Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Rachel: Come, Ross! (starts to get under her seat belt and gets stuck)

Ross: R-R-Rach, come on, no! I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this! (she gets back in her seat)

Rachel: Uh! God! (the cop comes up) (smiles) Hi officer! Was I going a little too fast?

Ross: Oh my God.

Cop: Can I see your license, please?

Rachel: Oh, yes, absolutely. (gets it) Y’know, it’s weird. I had a dream last night that I was stopped by a policeman. And then he, um, well, I probably shouldn’t tell you the ret.

Cop: Your license?

Rachel: (hands it to him) Uh, uh, here you go, uh, (reads his nametag) Officer Handsome!

Cop: It’s Hanson.

Rachel: Oh, sorry, my mistake! (laughs)

Ross: Dear Lord!

Officer Hanson: (looking at the license) Wow!

Ross: Here it comes!

Officer Hanson: This is a great picture!

Rachel: Oh! Really? You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled right out of bed.

Officer Hanson: You look phenomenal!

Ross: She should, it was taken 10 years ago.

Rachel: Y’know, you’re, you’re probably wondering about the date there.

Officer Hanson: Yes, I am. You’re an Aquarius, huh?

Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini.

Officer Hanson: Nope.

Rachel: Taurus?

Officer Hanson: Nope.

Rachel: Virgo?

Officer Hanson: Nope.

Rachel: Sagittarius?

Officer Hanson: Yep.

Rachel: I knew it! Oh!

Officer Hanson: Well, I tell you what...

Rachel: Yeah?

Officer Hanson: You won’t speed anymore?

Rachel: I won’t speed anymore.

Officer Hanson: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of?

Rachel: I promise.

Officer Hanson: And in the meantime, you better let him drive. Does he have a license?

Rachel: Yeah.

Officer Hanson: Can he handle the stick?

Rachel: Ah, well...

Ross: (mad) I CAN HANDLE THE STICK!!!!! (Officer Hanson leaves)

[Scene: Viva Las Gaygas. Helena is now singing the song from West Side Story.]

Helena: (singing) I feel so pretty, oh so pretty. I feel so pretty and witty and (points to the audience)

Audience: GAY!!!

Monica: That can’t be your father!

Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying the same thing for years. Oh my God!

Monica: What?

Chandler: That’s Mr. Gerrabaldi playing the piano! (points)

Helena: (still singing) Oh, I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (everyone applauds) Hello and welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars and a couple of irregulars. (walks offstage)

Chandler: She’s coming into the audience. She’s coming into the audience.

Monica: Just relax, you’ll be fine! (Chandler tries to hide behind a lamp) Oh, much better! You’re invisible now!

Helena: (to a guy) Where are you from?

Guy: Bakersfield.

Helena: Sorry...

Guy: (louder) Bakersfield.

Helena: No, no, I heard. I’m just sorry.

Chandler: I can’t do this. I’ll meet you back at the hotel. (gets up)

Helena: (sees him stand up) Oh, a standing ovation already! So early in the show! Turn around, darling. I want to see your pretty face. (Chandler turns around and Helena is shocked)

Monica: Can we have our drinks please? Uh, waiter? Uh, tress? (looks around)

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Joey enters and sits down.]

Joey: Check it out. (takes off his pants to show that he’s wearing Rachel’s panties) Huh? How much man am I?!

Phoebe: Oh, nice! Manly, and also kind of a slut!

Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Joey: Silk feels really good!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Y’know? And things aren’t as smashed down as I thought it was gonna be.

Phoebe: That’s great, Joe!

Joey: Yeah. And you have so much more choices than you do with men’s underwear.

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And, and fabrics! You got cotton, silk, lace! You know what I always wondered about?

Phoebe: Hmm.

Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know, the way they start at your toe and they go all the way up to your (realizes that’s not manly) I should go take these off, shouldn’t I?

Phoebe: I think that it’s important that you do.

Joey: Umm. (leaves)

[Scene: Viva Las Gaygas. Helena is talking to Chandler.]

Helena: So, what’s your name?

Chandler: Chandler. (sits down)

Helena: Chandler! What an unusual name! You must have terribly fascinating parents.

Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot.

Helena: And who is your friend?

Monica: I’m, I’m Monica.

Helena: Monica, where are you from?

Monica: New York.

Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens, I like. (sees Monica’s ring) Ooh, what is this? (holds up her hand) Sparkling something, honey! Huh?

Audience: Ooh!

Chandler: Actually, Monica and I are engaged.

Helena: (upset) Really? Congratulations. When is the big day?

Monica: In, in two weeks.

Helena: I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (goes to another guy) So, you’re bald!

Chandler: (standing up) Wait, wait! We’d really love it if you could be there.

Helena: Really?

Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am.

Helena: And I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Ooh, I’m getting all misty here. You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (goes back onstage)

Monica: You ok?

Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.

Monica: Umm.

Helena: Before I go on with the show, I’d just like to say to the bride and groom, how lucky they are to have found each other. Fortunately, in my life (four guys come out with umbrellas) (sings) It’s raining men. It’s raining men!

Chandler: When I was growing up, I played the one on the far left.

[Scene: The highway. Ross is driving very very very slowly and the other cars are honking at him.]

Rachel: You know what, remind me to introduce you to someone.

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Fourth Gear! (Ross glares at her. A police car siren sounds)

Ross: What?! What does he want? I wasn’t doing anything!

Rachel: Well, maybe he saw your hands slip briefly from the 10 and 2 ‘o clock position! (Ross glares at her)

Ross: Maybe it’s, uh, Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more. (pulls over)

Rachel: It’s a different guy. (the cop comes up)

Ross: Good evening, officer.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?

Ross: Uh, no, I don’t, but it, it couldn’t have been more than 60.

Cop: You’re right, it was 37. (Rachel cracks up)

Ross: I mean, you’re not gonna give me a ticket for driving too slow, are ya?

Cop: That’s right.

Ross: (tries to flirt like Rachel did) Y’know, off, officer, I, uh, I had the weirdest dream last night.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Cop: Your license, please.

Ross: (getting it out) Well, uh, you don’t, you don’t wanna hear about, about my dream? Officer (reads the nametag) Pretty?

Cop: It’s Petty!! (takes the license) I’ll be right back with your ticket. (goes to his car)

Rachel: You have a son!

Ross: I know, I know.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey sits down with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Feel better?

Joey: Yeah. Listen, uh, not that I’m insecure with my manhood or anything, but, uh, I think I need to hook up with a woman right now.

Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.

Joey: Ok! (goes over to a woman) Hey! Hi!

Woman: Hi.

Joey: You look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?

Woman: I don't think so.

Joey: Oh. Maybe it's because I'm on television. I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.

Woman: Wow! Really?

Joey: Uh-huh.

(A waitress walks up to them with the woman's bill.)

Waitress: 4.50, please.

Joey: Oh! Let me get this. (He fumbles around in his pocket to get some money, but pulls up Rachel's panties in the process. The women stare at him.)

Joey: These are for you...